Realizing that I write...like I live...for myself, primarily...

I think a lot about my place in the world...

Why do I always end up eating so much shit...when I'm so much more genuinely committed to the welfare of others than most people...

Nice guys finish last and all that...

And tonight...watching Some Kind of Monster...and getting some peace with the fact that I want my writing...and my teaching...and my relationships...and my life...as much as possible...to reflect me...the real me...as comfortable as I perpetually feel being and sharing myself...as I really am...

I guess I just realized that...I don't write or teach or do anything for anyone else, primarily, really...

Because if I did...I would expect a lot more money and a more decent and comfortable life than the one I have...if that were the case...

Mowing other peoples' lawns...especially rich peoples' lawns...

I've spent a lot of time asking myself, "Why don't you pursue that stuff like everyone else?"...why do you forgo all that bullshit so you can go and clean up other peoples' messes and prepare the most difficult kids for life?...why do I do this...when I get so little respect for it...and so little money, compared to other professions...and so little decent treatment from anyone who wants to make me feel bad for trying to be so good...because, I assume, they feel so bad for being such shitheads...or maybe it's because they just lack much real perspective on how self-absorbed they really are...

So why do I do it, I'm perpetually asking myself...

And the basic reason that I always come back to is...

Because I want to...

Because I want to be the best person I can be...

Because I care...for whatever stupid, fucked-up reasons...

Even about people...who don't care about me...nearly as much as I care about them...which is most people...probably everyone I know...for whatever stupid, fucked-up reasons...

For whatever reasons...I care about them...I don't always know why...I just do...it's just who I am...I'm not dysfunctional about it, I don't think...if people start to treat me like too much shit...I mosey along my way...and let them figure out their own bullshit on their own...without my help...which is a lot harder than figuring out with my help...though, usually...I'm gone before they figure that out...

So hopefully I leave them with enough wisdom to figure it out, better, on their own...

But I just want to be a genuine person...I don't know why I don't chase the money...or the girls...or the thrills...or the vacations...or the power...or the prestige...or the whatever...more...I just don't...

Because I think there's something to being a decent person...and having some sense of self-respect...and honesty...and being real...and responsible...and being myself...and I just don't know how to live any other way, frankly...because every other way feels fake and fucked up and cowardly...and I just can't do it...

But the truth is...I don't know why I care about being a decent person...in a world where so few people care about it as much as I do...I just do...

I guess...mostly...because I think it matters...whether anyone else does or not...

And I guess...partly...because I figure...surely there's got to be a girl that I can spend my life with...who I can respect as much as I respect myself...and who respects herself that much as well...

And because I have this vague hope...that others will find that kind of courage and the ideas it produces useful...because they've expended all of the other options that don't work as well...

And that some folks will find it as useful...as I first found folks like Abraham Maslow...and Amartya Sen...and Joe Nye...and lots of authors like these ones...who help explain the world, better...that perpetually needs explaining...

I don't know why the world rewards the less meaningful things in life, so much...I imagine because most people have just never figured out the path to a more meaningful or purposeful life...and they reward, more, people who think like them...and like my friends...many of them just don't give much of a shit to...

And I guess the reason why I do...is both because I've had more purpose in my life, up till now...and I know how much better it feels than so many meaningless thrills and bullshit...even as the thrills and bullshit can be kind of fun, too, at times:):):)...

And because for whatever vague reasons...I just think it's better to try to be the best person you can possibly be...even with all the equivocation and bullshit from others...which there is much of...than half-hearting it...as most people do, I think...

Why should people be good in a world which rewards people for being good so little...and so much for being so shitty?...

A society that is more self-actualized, Abraham Maslow argued...like a person...is one that rewards, better, doing good...and its one of the easiest signs of how upside-down a society is compared to one of higher values...

It's a really great question...

Why would people want to be good?...

When it pays off so well...in so many ways...money just being one of the bigger ways...

To be bad...or to be not so great...

I don't really have an answer for that...except some vague notion...some vague faith...that living a life where you try to be the best person you can be...is a better life to live...

I have my mom...and my dad...

My mom...who was/is a good person...but who kind of stagnated...and who I am much less close with, today, and have less respect for than my dad...

And my dad...who made lots of mistakes, when I was a kid...but who took responsibility for them...and kept growing...and who I like better...and respect better...as a consequence...and who was also, probably not coincidentally, much more successful, as well, long term...

And also...because...from a young age...my single most important goal in life...

Was to make life a better place...for everyone...me, included...

And because I so appreciate everyone along the way...who made my life better, similarly...

I guess a lot of people think of that as naive...or sentimental...or weak...or of me as a sucker...or whatever...

And sometimes I agree with them...when I look at what other pathes I passed up...to take the tough one I've taken...

Except...

When I think about meeting a girl like me...

And thinking how much I would respect the living shit out of someone who took my road...and would be thoroughly impressed with a girl who took improving life that seriously...I'd respect a guy like that, too, of course...but I'm looking to love and marry a girl...and have some kids and a family...so meeting a guy I respected like that just wouldn't fit into that particular plan, as well...as much as I would respect the shit out of him, too...

And when I think about how many of the happiest times in my life...have been living life with that kind of purpose...and sharing it with someone else, at least...if not more than one someone elses...

But living it on my own is fine, too, I guess...

I just wish it wasn't so goddamn hard, sometimes...

Or that all this effort -- which is far and above what most people give to life -- would be rewarded better...

But instead...all I get, lately...is a lot of people's bullshit...with very little appreciation for my efforts, at all...not that I'm whining...I just get a little overwhelmed with it, sometimes...

I don't believe in God...or an afterlife...not as an entity...or as a place...so I don't think that there's some kind of heavenly reward waiting for me, at some point...

It's just that...for whatever reasons...I've internalized these values...the values of decency...and compassion...and love...and forgiveness...and intelligence...and honesty...and integrity...and loyalty...and independence...and courage...and strength...and hope...and appreciation for life as it is...not just for what I want it to be...and doing everything in my power to be good...and be the best person I can be...

At some level...I think it's in our best interests...in the long run...even as it has led to some pretty shitty circumstances for me, at times, as I've traded off comfort...so many times...for doing and being my best...

But I have to admit that my faith has been challenged in the last three years...since leaving school...in the last four years...since losing Brandi...than it's ever been challenged before, in my life...

I don't know...

I just do...

I've just always tried to be my best...and I've just never stopped doing that...and I do it more the older and, I hope, wiser I get...

But maybe it's not so wise...

Maybe I'm just bullshitting myself...

Maybe people like me are just bullshitting themselves...

And what I should have done...is started a metal band...and been the best goddamned rock vocalist and guitarist I could be...and if possible...that could be...and fucked a lot of groupies...and made them do all kinds of fucked up stuff for me...did a lot of drugs...and got drunk and high as much as possible...and played a lot of music...in front of millions of cheering fans...and made a shitload of money...to have whatever my heart's desire...and maybe springboard an acting career...and maybe a political career, out of that...

And just generally hopped onto as many gravy trains as I could get my greedy little hands on...

Maybe that would have been...would be...a better path...

Something tells me it wouldn't have been...wouldn't be...

But maybe it would have been...

Maybe the reason why it pays better to be an asshole...or why it pays so little to be noble...

Is because what the human race needs more of...is assholes...not nice guys...

It does seem like that much of the time...

And definitely many of my friends think that is the better path...

And that I'm naive and a sucker for thinking otherwise...

And my life does not, at all, seem like some testament to the fact that being the best person you can be pays off, at this point...maybe it won't ever be...

Abraham Maslow taught, perhaps all his life...I haven't read his biographies close enough, at this point, to know...but he taught most of his life, at least...at Brooklyn College...some small, dinky college in New York...

He wasn't rich, as far as I know...his niece, in one account I've read, did sue over the use of some of his ideas and/or writings, in the name of his estate...I agree with the guy who wrote about it that this was very much out of keeping with the spirit Abraham Maslow's work...and a crazy and sad irony for the legacy of a man so dedicated to dealing with people with more decency, kindness, love, and generosity...

He was just this decent guy...who wrote...for the benefit of people who might learn something from his work...which is some of the finest work in psychology in the twentieth century...and in the history of psychology...and humanity...as far as I'm concerned...

Why?...why do it?...

I'm sure that's what many of my friends ask...not really of themselves...since many of the friends I'm thinking of haven't choose this path, really...and not really of me...since we've never had that conversation...

But just generally...

Why would so many people choose to be such suckers?...they gotta ask themselves...

Why would so many people...choose to do work...where they know they won't be rewarded for it, very well...where lots of people shit of them...both every day...and just generally...in how much they bitch and complain...about how everything they do perpetually falls short of some demanded ideal...where they are so little appreciated...concretely, at least...appreciated abstractly...but less, day to day...

Where the rewards for the work just seem so non-existent...in so many ways...compared to a million other options...all over the place...

Why do so many people...sign up to be...teachers...professors...scientists and researchers...military service-people...police officers...politicians (though there is some money in this line of work, apparently, that goes with all that power)...diplomats...missionaries...civil service professionals...non-profit professionals...

Public servants...of one stripe or another...

Why do people choose to do this work?...

When the rewards are so low?...and the treatment is so poor?...

Why do they do it?...

And the only answer I can give on some days...is...

A sense of purpose...

A sense of hope, maybe...

A sense that you are doing good in the world...

Sounds pretty circular, doesn't it?...

I guess...either you buy it...or you don't...

Either you buy that it's a good thing to do good in the world...

Or you don't...

And it's very dissappointing, I have to say...to find out how many people choose the latter...or choose something in between the two...

I guess we all kind of exist somewhere between these two choices...

Believing that it matters to do good in this world...

And not believing it...

I try to spend as much as my time with the first sentiment as possible...but I spend enough time in that second feeling, as well...

And I don't always know why...

I guess just on faith...

Why, I don't know, much of the time...

I wish I could be more definitive than that...

But that's how I really feel much of the time...

Even as someone who dedicates almost all of his life...to doing good...and making the world better...

Integrity involves a lot of voluntary sacrafice, much of the time...and I don't always know why...

I just do it...on faith...and because the things I care about...seem to work out better...when I do...

Some days I wish I could just wish away all the problems in the world...as so many people do...or try to do...

But...usually...I just keep working constructively...on building a better world...with hopes that maybe it will be better in my own lifetime...and maybe it will be better in my children's lifetime...and maybe that will matter to someone...one day...

It would be nice to think that this would be today...or tomorrow...or every day...

But then that feeling...always gets interrupted...by sorry realities that I have no control over...an aggressive bill collection effort...a utility bill I can't pay...an overbearing or controlling or passive-aggressive or petty boss or co-worker...the knowledge that someone I know has it better than me...no matter how much more work I've put into taking on the real challenges of this life...

It weighs on me...often...and not always with easy answers...unfortunately...

And mine will either be the memoir of some pathetic idealogue...who could never quite figure out he was wrong...or of a person of some thought and wisdom, I hope...who, like almost everyone, really...lives a life with too much inequity, much of the time...even as it also holds much joy and love and compassion and decency and wisdom...as well as some fun and good times, as well...in a world that is, hopefully, always striving for more equity...to always be better...even if it strives ever so slowly, sometimes...and very little, if at all, at other times...

It is painful to think of life, this way, sometimes...

And it is life...for me, anyway...and I would suspect for everyone, at some level...

And when it is painful...like now...I just sit with the pain...and wait for it to pass...or try smoking it away with a cigarette...which doesn't really work any more, these days...

And hope that it makes me stronger and better for it...

And that is life...I think...

But perhaps I should consider my other options, more, as well:):):)...

I should get to bed:):)...

Hope everyone is doing well:)...

Love,
Ben

Some kind of monster...

If you haven't checked out Metallica's rockumentary Some Kind of Monster...I highly recommend it...

It's a great opportunity to watch a band reflect on itself...on it's problems...as a band trying to record an album...and as friends for twenty years being honest with one another in ways that they've never been honest with each other before...

If you're not familiar with the movie and the band...Some Kind of Monster chronicles Metallica's recording of its most recent album...with the help of a therapist hired by their production company...to facilitate a process that had hit a serious breakdown after bassist, Jason Newstead, left the band...

As lead singer, James Hetfield put it...

"We worked on ourselves...identified what part can we work on...so when someone else steps in...it's clean...they're not stepping in our shit"...

It's pretty impressive, actually...to see a rock band...a metal band, at that...so maturely deal with a serious problem that the band had had for quite awhile...namely...keeping a bassist...after the death of their earliest bass player, Cliff Burton...and then a whole shitload of issues that band members had between one another -- especially between Hetfield and drummer and the other strongest personality in the band, Lars Ulrich...

The funniest part of the movie is learning what a puss guitarist, Kirk Hammett, was a lot of the time...though I definitely give the whole band, Kirk included, much more respect after seeing this documentary than the already powerful respect I've had for Metallica after seeing them live in concert at Lollapalooza in 1996...

And it is interesting to see that when people who don't seem to have a lot of complexity to their thoughts and feelings...share their inner-most thoughts and feeelings...there's not all kinds of complexity that I thought I might find underneath...that a lot of their problems are pretty simple...they just haven't figured them out yet:):)...

It was crazy and funny watching their therapist be a total puss about the band's decision to cut him loose when they were ready to move on...if I were Metallica's therapist, I would totally thank the shit out of them for letting me hang with them and maybe ask them for some decent concert tickets...and let that be that:):)...

And listening to James Hetfield tell an audience full of prisoners that we are all born good...and that without music he might either be in that prison or dead...was really powerful...

If you're interested in watching some of the world's biggest rock stars growing up and learning how to treat each other better...and making great music out of that...definitely check out this movie:):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

I was made to do this work:):):)...

After doing my paperwork, last night, for the Eisenhower position...I went downstairs in the same building to Kansas City Kansas's public library:):)...

An amazing collection of movies, books, CD's, etc...

Being in Kansas City had totally brought back all kinds of memories of Kansas City when I would visit Brandi while she was working downtown at the United Way of Wyandotte Country...and similar memories of living in Washington, D.C...mine and Brandi's two big city experiences...two young kids from Wichita, Kansas:):):)...a good sized city...but not a Kansas City:):)...or a Washington, D.C.:):)...

And working at Eisenhower has me totally inspired about working in the inner city:):):)...I forget that it is some of my favorite work in the world:):):)...and I'm honored to be able to do it:):)...

So I picked up some of this really pretty incredible collection of DVD's and movies and CD's:):)...

I picked up two movies about the inner city...Hoop Dreams...the story of William Gates and Arthur Agee...two Chicago grammar school and high school basketball stand-outs...and their journey through life in the inner city and the ranks of competitive basketball in the big city of Chicago...and their growth and learning and maturity through those experiences:)...

And Let the church say amen...a Filmmovement independent documentary about the work of Pastor Bobby Perkins, Dr. JoAnn Perkins (and education doctorate from George Washington University) and their family and church to provide a place of hope and deliverance for the inner city poor of Washington, D.C.:):):)...

Two brilliant documentaries about efforts that take place all over the country to provide hope in communities often far too lost in hopelessness:):):)...

And inspiring as all hell:):):)...

In the summer of 1998, this was the work and the mission of two kids from Wichita, Kansas:):):)...

Brandi and I were totally dedicated to efforts like Brandi's National Days of Dialogue, dedicated to race dialogue...and Americans Discuss Social Security...a dialogue effort directed at including and engaging average citizens on the complexities that surround issues of retirement and social security:):)...

We saw the Reverend Eugene Waters...who did very similar, broader work in Boston, Mass...with Cornell West, the radical philosopher and race thinker who, at the time, was a professor at Princeton:):)...and two folks totally committed to the growth and development of America's inner cities:):):)...

It was a brilliant and eye-opening time for two kids from a relatively quiet, moderate-sized city...exploring the big city...and all the virtues and vices it had to offer:):):)...mostly virtues, though:):)...with two pretty inspired kids looking the change the world:):):)...

And being in Kansas City...and thinking about the really great opportunity to work in a school like Eisenhower...a school with 70% of their kids receiving free or reduced lunches...in a fairly debilitated part of town:):)...

Had me remembering this very inspired time in my life...almost as inspired as today:):)...but not quite:):)...

But I have to admit the prospects of working at Eisenhower have me pretty incredibly inspired, these days:):)...

I'm thinking about showing these movies in my classes...Hoop Dreams, especially...since it's about two teens making it out of the hopelessness that often pervades the inner city:):)...

This is the work I was made for:):):)...

I love all the work I do:):)...the international policy work...the work in economics...the work in psychology:):)...

But this work...education...and, in particular, this inner city education work...

Is the work I was made for:):):)...

I am filled with the spirit of Reverend Eugene Waters, building a Boston that everyone can be proud of:):):)...I am filled with the spirit of my man, Fred, my co-worker who introduced me to the Ninth Street Baptist Church:):)...where I got to get back:):)...I am filled with the spirit of the Hoop Dreams of Steve James, Frederick Marx, Peter Gilbert, Gordon Quinn, William Gates, and Arthur Agee:):):)...

I love this work:):):)...and there is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing that you are doing real, substantial good in the world:):):)...

I got a TB test, a provisional certification, some bills, and other stuff to look into today...it's raining in Lawrence...so, no work for the lawnmowers:):):)...

Hope your day is going great:):):)...

God bless:):)...

Love,
Ben

I got the job:):)...

Tom Petz, the secondary personell director for Kansas City, Kansas schools wrote me this morning...I talked with him as soon as I got off work...and I go in this afternoon to fill out paperwork:):):)...

Very exciting:):):)...I finally get to do the thing I love doing more than anything else:):):)...teach:):):)...and working with kids:):)...

I was very impressed with both this principal and with the special education director for the district:):)...I've worked with enough principals and teachers, at this point, to know who's good and who's not, generally...and these are two very good teachers/administrators:):)...and it will be a great experience working with these kinds of folks...I've learned a lot being outside of schools, generally, and about working with people, specifically, for this time:):)...

But it's time for me to teach, again:):):)...

I've never felt so confident about my abilities to work with kids and students, at this point...I know more about people...about them and their abilities and interests...and, important to me...I know better when they're bullshitting me...and themselves...

And I am very much looking forward to teaching again...and working with top notch people...

By the way...it finally happened...

The Right Way in Iraq...John Edwards...

A politician finally apologized for rushing into war...

John still doesn't seem to have recognized the good that came from an invasion of Iraq...and this apology may be politically calculated as much as anything...but it is nice, I have to say, to hear one person who voted to rush into this war without thoughtfully considering the best way to do so and persuading the American people and our international partners to do so on its merits, and not preying on their fears, to apologize for doing so...

As John writes...

"I was wrong.

Almost three years ago we went into Iraq to remove what we were told -- and what many of us believed and argued -- was a threat to America. But in fact we now know that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction when our forces invaded Iraq in 2003. The intelligence was deeply flawed and, in some cases, manipulated to fit a political agenda."

John and other Democrats have been much criticized for the sentiment in that last line...that the intelligence was manipulated to fit a political agenda...

But there is some truth to this...

Most of the international community knew that Saddam had biological weapons...he had used them on the Kurds following the first Persian Guld War...

What was unknown...and only suspected -- by many liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats...Judith Miller and Bill Clinton being only two of them -- was whether Saddam had nuclear capabilities...

There was no evidence that I knew, at the time, that Saddam had nuclear capabilities...like many people, I would not have put it past Saddam, knowing his track record...but there was no evidence, that I knew of, to support that suspicion...

But John and Democrats are right that the President sounded the nuclear rallying cry with far more certainty than we actually had of that capability...

Which is why Joe Wilson's criticism of that claim -- a piece of which...whether Saddam was pursuing uranium yellow-cake in Niger...Wilson was sent to investigate -- is important...

Wilson was arguing that we had no evidence of Saddam having nuclear capability...and that the President exaggerated those claims despite his efforts to dispel the idea that we had evidence that Saddam was pursuing uranium usable for a nuclear weapon in Niger...

Wilson claims that Administration officials sought to distance themselves from his intelligence-gathering and to discredit his wife, Valerie Plame, by indicating that she, in her capacity as a CIA administrative official, sent him to Niger to investigate the claim...in naming Valerie, if they did so before the Vanity Fair cover piece or any other public airing of her name, which I'm unclear about, at this point, Lewis Libby, Karl Rove, and the numerous reporters -- Robert Novack, Judith Miller, Matthew Cooper, at least -- who named her publicly, blew her undercover status with the CIA...which caused a lot of damage to an undercover career built on making contacts based on that undercover status...

Libby and Rove claim that they did so to clarify the discussion...that Administration officials were not responsible for sending Wilson to Niger...

Wilson claims that it was an effort to discredit him...and to seek political revenge on his wife...

If Wilson is right...it is a much more serious situation...since it involved disrupting Valerie Plame's undercover career -- if other sources, like the Vanity Fair cover story on Plame, did not beat them to the punch -- and if it was political revenge...meaning it was done intentionally to torpedo Plame's career...it is a much more serious situation...

If Libby and Rove are right...as I give them the benefit of the doubt on, at this point...then this is a much more innocent situation, I think, of two officials giving up a CIA undercover officer's name as a part of an on-going debate about the war, without understanding the consequences of doing so...but in good faith...as a part of a larger discussion...

The perjury charge against Libby, to my mind, only sticks if it can be proved that Libby had intentionally acted in bad faith...which would have to be proven...and that he lied to cover his tracks...if Libby acted more innocently...and misremembered the trail along the way...then he's not guilty of anything, that we know of...and because of presumption of innocence...which I and everyone should take seriously in every case, frankly...then I give him much leeway on this...

But the original hub-bub in this case was whether the Administration exaggerated the nuclear threat that Saddam posed...I believe that they did...it is entirely possible that Saddam had nuclear capabilities that he and/or his minions were able to hide before anyone could investigate as freely as we can today...but that would have to be demonstrated to become evidence...and not just speculation exaggerated into evidence, which, I agree, it appears at this point that the Administration engaged in...

I do believe that the Administration believed that this kind of threat was posed...

But I think they believed that out of sloppy speculation...rather than out of a more serious, reasoned consideration of what evidence we had and what evidence we didn't have of those capabilities...

So John is right, on that point, I believe...even as I believe that the Administration worked in good faith...just with sloppy reasoning on the matter...

And I have to say that it is quite refreshing to hear at least one politician apologize for rushing to war in Iraq...when a more thoughtful, and openly debated and engaged discussion of all alternatives --including diplomacy...but not limited there...and a more engaged and thoughtful discussion of what alternatives to a U.S. led, far-too-unilateral war in Iraq might be available...including a multilateral war that included our European and democratic neighbors...democratic, less democratic and non democratic partners in the Middle East, including Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Kuwait, Jordan, Turkey, Iran (possibly...though there are serious reasons to consider what role Iran could play in such a coalition when they have/had been a serious adversary for the Iraq people for many years), and Israel (who contributed to the effort quietly and openly, but who was not included by the Administration as a coalition partner, for reasons I am unclear about, at this point)...and U.N. Security Council members like China and Russia...

And much more importantly to me...a war led by the Iraqi people, and Iraqi opposition parties and militias, and backed with overwhelming power by these other multilateral partners...

But none of that could be considered with the lack of open and constructive discussion and debate about how to handle Iraq and with the kind of rush to war that the Administration, in particular, was so insistent on...

Is it totally clear, at this point, why being thoughtful...and why facilitating a more thoughtful, open, and free discussion of whatever important decisions that have to be made...why that is so important, especially around matters as serious as war?...

Obviously, sometimes, we have to act before we think...and sometimes we must act before putting a more ideal amount of thought into a situation...and we obviously need to give people as much slack around this as possible...

While also expecting that they think...

The Administration believed and led others to believe that the situation in Iraq was life or death...it wasn't...and a lot of mistakes got made as a consequence...that cost a lot of lives and misery, unnecessarily...

They were in good faith, I believe...

Just not thoughtful enough...

And we are dealing with the consequences of that now...

Having said that...

Those decisions have been made...

And the decisions to make now...

Are how to improve the effort in Iraq...

Not how to run away...

Or how to play twenty-twenty hindsight...

But how to make the situation in Iraq better...

And to recognize all the good that has come and is coming from a free and more democratic Iraq...

John Edwards' apology is a welcome departure from the politics of blame and presure and hindsight and black-and-white outlooks on the situation in Iraq that dominates far too much of the discussion, right now...including John's editorial piece, here...

He, like many Democrats and liberals, still does not recognize all of the good that has come from this war...even as it has been engaged far from ideally...

But it would be nice to see a lot more politicians say they were sorry...or that they were wrong...or whatever public recognition they could make that they've figured out that this thing could have gone a lot better...had we taken time to think about how to engage it better...

To be fair to John and President Bush and the Administration and everyone who favored this war...

One of smartest international policy scholars in America...and perhaps in the world (though Joe does have too much of an America-focus, I believe, to make stronger claims in that latter category)...Joe Nye...the Dean of the JFK Harvard School of Government...favored this war, upfront, as well...as did former President Bill Clinton, who, with all of the policy disagreements that I have with Bill...which are many...I believe was the smartest and best President that this country has seen in its too brief history...

I did not...I was both concerned about the lack of engagement with the international policy community about the best ways to conduct this war...and with the lack of recognition, on the part of the Administration, of the very serious and good faith concerns that his critics had of the war...including and especially our European allies, whose lack of support should have been a serious check on Administration hubris...

And I was more pessimistic than seems warranted, now, with twenty-twenty hindsight, about whether the Iraqi people would support such an effort...which, to me, was the fundamental issue that needed to be different to prevent another Vietnam...Vietnam did not fail because the American people did not believe in it, fundamentally...fundamentally it failed because -- as irrational as it may seem to us -- the people of Vietnam did not favor it, seeing us as outsiders and imperialists, the French likes of which they had just expelled in earlier conflicts...and for whatever reasons...their Communist oppressors looked more appealing to them...

Certainly a foolish choice, I and most freedom-loving people would agree, I think...

But a choice for them to make, fundamentally, regardless...

And had Iraqis made a similar choice -- and it appears that some of them would have and would still today -- then this would have been a war very similar to Vietnam...

But it's not...largely because Iraqis are leading the effort to bring democracy to their country, at this point...as haphazardly as that process is occurring, right now...

But I do appreciate at least one American politician having enough courage to admit that the original decision to go to war was not as thought out as it should have been...

None of America's politicians are the brightest bulbs in the box...

Folks like Joe Nye and David Gergen and Paul Peterson and Catherine Minter Hoxby and Benjamin Barber and Robert Kagan and a whole host of America's smartest folks don't go into politics for all kinds of reasons, I imagine...but a pretty important one, in my books, is because the process is so goddamned irrational...the American people, like most citizens of the world, want the world...on demand...at no cost...and they don't want to take any responsibility for it...and they expect all kinds of perfection from people in politics, in the meantime, that just isn't possible, I don't think...

So, until Americans and others learn to engage the process with more decency and genuine responsibility and a constructive outlook and more thoughtfulness...and as and until smarter folks choose to be a part of the insane on-going soap-opera that is American politics...

These are the folks we got...

And it's refreshing to hear/read one them take responsibility for their leadership...rather than passing the blame like a bunch of schoolchildren...

Thank you, John...though if you're going to admit when you're wrong, John...the least you can do is take and give some credit for what's gone right in Iraq...

And here's to a generation of politicians that thinks and admits when they fuck up...and a generation of Americans who contributes to a democratic environment that makes that more possible...

Gotta go:):)...I've got a teaching job to go accept:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Our infinite capacity for bullshitting ourselves...

...or how fear and cynicism distort our sense of the possibilities of life...

Melissa ushered EMU Theater's production of The Big Funk, last night:):)...which was much better than I expected, I have to say:):)...I love John Patrick Shanley...I am probably the biggest fan of Joe vs. the Volcano of anyone I know:):)...but the reviews of the Big Funk (Shanley's script, not this performance) did not look so hot, when we first heard about the play...and while it is definitely not the greatest play written by Mr. Shanley, it is a decent script...and this cast did a pretty decent job with it...especially the female lead, Elizabeth Ahrens, who I think is perhaps the best female lead I've seen in an EMU production...

Shanley's script is basically an existential reflection on the fears and insecurities that drive too many peoples' lives...that lead to what Shanley calls "The Big Funk"...Ahrens performs powerfully in a scene with colleague Jason Bradbury, who, after her character, Jill, shares strong feelings for Bradbury's character, Gregory, proceeds to tear her to pieces, emotionally, symbolically wiping petroleum jelly over her face...Jill resigns herself to this treatment...as Gregory mocks the self-image that Jill carries that permits this resignation...

Elizabeth's co-star, Steve Ducey, also performs well in a final scene where his character stands as a naked man shining a large mirror on both the remaining characters and audience members...having them look at themselves...and encouraging them to give up the fears that leave so many people in the Big Funk of life that traps people who spend their lives inside those fears...

Shanley's script is all over the place...and is more existential play than a script with any strong sense of direction...but it makes for a fun theater experience...and for an opportunity for this cast of actors to demonstrate some powerful acting abilities...Ahrens' presence anchors the play in her ability to communicate, non-verbally and verbally, some sense of the internal conflicts that Shanley is getting at...and Steve Ducey, playing Austin, Jill's love interest in the play, gives one of the play's stronger performances as a young, disgruntled unemployed twenty-something who seeks to treat Jill with the decency that he thinks she deserves and to do something -- anything -- constructive in the society that he consistently reminds the audience that he hates...

All and all, it was a fun night of theater...

Melissa and I watched the new Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory before the performance...which started strong...with a much more serious presentation of Roald Dahl's serious and beautiful children's story, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...and with a really terrific first music number...

But from there...the new production of Willy Wonka devolves into a dark interpretation of the hopeful and sweet Roald Dahl story, led by Johnny Depp's Michael Jackson-like portrayal of Willy Wonka...what at first seems creative, eventually just seemed kind of creepy...to both Melissa and I...

And Roald Dahl's story and general theme in his children's stories of the hope and power and magic of childhood, even in a a poor childhood like Charlie's, is distorted into a psychoanalysis of a deeply troubled Willy Wonka and an affirmation of the need for children to accept the firm hand of adults in their lives...which pretty significantly twists the playful mocking of parents, teachers, and other adults that pervades Dahl's work, for not humbling themselves before the innocence and possibilities of childhood...

So Melissa and I returned to my apartment after the play and watched the older much better, overall, interpretation of Dahl's beautiful story, starring Gene Wilder, Peter Ostrum, and Jack Albertson...admittedly, the musical numbers -- especially the psychedelic trip through the chocolate river tunnel -- are kind of cheesy in the original film production of Willy Wonka...but overall...the film is not only much more genuinely geared towards children and an appreciation for the virtues of innocence and hope and possibility that come with childhood...but it centers itself around a flawed but generally child-friendly Willy Wonka in Gene Wilder...in contrast with the creepiness, pettiness, and self-centeredness of Johnny Depp's depiction of a man who, frankly, I would be very wary of leaving my own children with:):)...

The popularity of the second Willy Wonka -- at least in the household we were watching it in -- was yet another opportunity for me to reflect on peoples' abilities to bullshit themselves...

Depp's performance is brilliant...if you divorce it from the story...but it and the rewrite of the screenplay are a significant and meaningful departure from the original intent of Dahl's story...

Dahl is not affirming the firm hand of family...in fact, most of his work is a challenge to the firm hand of too many adults in handling children...he is constantly and playfully mocking parents and teachers and adults who have lost touch with the experience of childhood, so wrapped up are they in their fears and certainties about life...a trap that Tim Burton's production seems to fall into...in an attempt to re-write a story for the current popular political moment, I suspect...I'm sure Tim made quite a bit of money with this movie...but the classics that are Roald Dahl stories like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach this Willy Wonka is not...if Tim plans on doing any more interpretations of Dahl's work, I would definitely encourage him to look back to his much stronger sometime-live, sometime animated production of James and the Giant Peach, which is a children's movie classic...

Why so much fascination with the dark side, lately, in contemporary entertainment, I have to wonder?...it's pervasive in contemporary music, theater, and movies...in a way that has just not really encouraged much real innovation in any of them...especially in a children's movie, where it's presence seems only tangentially relevant...

It's so ironic, isn't it, how our cynicism moves us closer and closer to the very dangers that we are so afraid of...

And that's where great children's literature...like Dahl's...is so powerful...as a enlightening correction for adults' -- parents and teachers, in particular -- who so often get so lost in their own fears about the world...

Thanks to Roald Dahl for that reminder for all of us...and thanks to Tim Burton...for his marvelous production of James and the Giant Peach, especially, that you should definitely see if you haven't yet...and thanks to him and Johnny Depp and the rest of the cast for an exciting look into Roald's brilliant story of the magic and possibility of childhood...even as it fell short...

And thanks to Laura Leffler-McCabe, Elisabeth Ahrens, Samantha Raines, R. Troy Hirsch, Steve Ducey, and Jason Bradbury, and the rest of the gang for giving EMU fans an opportunity to enjoy an thought-provoking night at the theater:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...and if you get a chance:):)...and if you're in the Lawrence area:):)...you might check out The Big Funk at the Lawrence Arts Center:):)...

Love,
Ben

A great man passes...

Peter Drucker dies at 95...

For those of you not familiar with Peter Drucker...I definitely recommend that you familiarize yourself...a brilliant man...and a brilliant innovator in his own right...

Thank you, Peter...for the wisdom you shared...while you were with us...

Love,
Ben

Our greater humanity...

...or the irony of the politics of bullying each other toward responsibility...

I generally think if Rich Lowry as something of a weasel, honestly:):)...but this article in the most recent edition of the National Review is right on the money, I think...Rich is at his best, generally, when he is plucking the beams from the eyes of others, I think:):):)LOL:):):)...

Democrats and Iraq: The Gullible Party...

Rich basically argues that Democrats' constant argument that they were duped into voting for the war in Iraq and thus aren't responsible for their votes is nonsense, juvenile, and lacks real leadership...

And he's right...totally on...

It's been very disappointing to watch Democrats both embrace the victim mentality of the party that Bill Clinton did so much to try to leave behind...and to lack much serious leadership during this time from anyone, really, in Congress or even among Governors...I can't name one Democrat, right now, who seriously impresses me as a leader in the same way that Bill Clinton did...Barak Obama has potential...and there are plenty of non-politicians, of course, that I can think of with both leadership capacity and serious policy intellect...but none of them are stupid enough, is the short answer, to enter the American political ring with all of its pettiness, bitterness, nastiness, and thoughtlessness...

And Democrats, right now, just look like fools...working hard to get themselves off the hook for voting for the war...while giving very few if any constructive alternatives to the current situation...and playing up the politics of fear and victimization, domestically...it's been a sad spectacle, all around...

It's so ironic, isn't it?...

In an era claiming to be the an era of responsibility...

When every leader claims to have the recipe for more responsibility...

Which is, of course, to pressure and manipulate and otherwise bully their way in that direction...

None of them can take it...

Tell me something...

When was the last time you heard a major American politician or public leader -- Democrat or Republican -- say that they were sorry for something?...sincerely...not because they were pressured...out of attrition, or an insincere apology..but, sincerely...because they really believed that they had made a mistake and that they wanted to get on a better road?...

I believe that they feel sorry inside...to one degree or another...

But when was the last time that you heard John Kerry say, out loud...

"I'm sorry that I didn't research and discuss, openly, alternatives to the current situation in a way that would assist the President to develop a more workable policy for the war in Iraq"...

Or President Bush say...

"I'm sorry that I rushed to war with the arrogant belief that my opinion was the only one that mattered and the rest of the world -- the scholarly international policy community, in particular -- be damned"...

Or party leaders or members of Congress or the media say...

"We're sorry that we've promoted such an adversarial and generally pretty unconstructive discussion of different Iraq policy alternatives -- which is what a responsible Congress or media would do -- and instead framed every discussion point as attack, counter-attack, and as a function of the moral decency or depravity of various political players and short-term political advantage or disadvantage"...

When was the last time that you heard any of these folks who all claim to be the final arbriters of good and bad, right and wrong, wise and foolish...

When was the last time you heard any of them say, "I'm sorry"...

I say it...I say it all the time...when I think I've done something wrong...I probably say it more often than I should, sometimes, in an effort to cover all my bases and make sure that I've apologized if I think I even might have done something wrong, if I'm unsure...

When was the last time you heard any of these folks say, "I'm sorry"...or "I take responsibility"...

And yet...these are the same folks who claim to know just how to beat the country into shape...to get the American people to take responsibility for a whole range of issues that the country faces...

The war in Iraq and terrorism being our most important, right now, I believe...

When the evidence is so plain that bullying people into responsibility does not actually promote responsibility...

And that people generally promote bullying as a recourse the less they actually take responsibility, themselves...

Why would people so foolishly and stubbornly stick to the path that leads them persistently into damnation, I have to ask myself:):):)LOL:):):)...

A bunch of goddamn fools we are:):)...the human race:):):)...

Rich is right about Democrats...though he doesn't have a constructive alternative...or at least none of anything that I've read of Rich's suggests that he does...though I'm open to evidence to the contrary...

Why is it so damned hard for us to believe that if we are more decent and loving and honest...that the world would be a better place for it?...

Why do we spend so much useless time defending what shitheads we are?...and that it is the fact of our being shitheads that prevents more forward progress in getting people to take constructive responsibility for situations in a way that promotes more authentic collaboration towards a more genuinely constructive future?...

Why do we all spend so much time trying to defend our right to play bad cop?...and then none of us take responsibility when it gets us nowhere...

As Rich's quite accurate criticism of Democrats demonstrates is true among liberals, right now...

Because there's bad people in the world...

Because bad things happen to good people...

I swear to God that we are such fuckin' babies...

Aw...wook at da po witta baby...bad fings happen...and he just can't twust human nature:):):)LOL:):):)...

We are such fuckin' morons, sometimes:):):):)LOL:):):)...I swear to God:):):)LOL:):):)...

What is wrong with us that we just can't come to terms with the fact that bad shit happens...and that we're kind of shitheads, sometimes...but that doesn't mean that we have to give up on human nature...or people...or the world...or whatever stupid arguments we've made to rationalize what shitheads we are rather than giving it up...

Martin Luther King teaches love and forgiveness...and we practice harshness and bitterness...

Mohatma Ghandi teaches love and non-violence...a little naively, I have to admit...one account of Ghandi's life I've encountered argues that Ghandi thought non-violence would stop Hitler...pretty naive, I think...but non-violent resistance to British rule helped free India and inspire modern human and civil rights efforts...

The Buddha teaches to sit with pain...and to love and live with compassion...and to find peace...and, instead...we start commissions when things don't go exactly the way we want them to...and persistently assume that people are working in bad faith...

Jesus loves people...they shit on him, royally...because they're all kind of shitheads...

And we think that we should side with the crowd rather than, roughly -- though the question of Jesus' messianic claims can be set aside, for the moment -- with this very decent guy...because we just can't expect that people will behave better?...

Even though...in the centuries since that time...we've all gotten a lot better...and a lot nicer and more decent to each other...and a lot smarter...and a lot more able to function in this world, as a consequence...

Or maybe we should equivocate and "find a balance" between Jesus and the shitheads who crucified him?...or our current standard of more compassion and the shithead standard of Jesus' time?...

Or maybe we should embrace crucifixion even as we criticize Jesus being crucified...ignoring the fact that crucifixion gets used on an innocent, like Jesus, even as it is spared for guilty folks, like Barabbas, the thief and murderer who is released by Pontius Pilate in lieu of releasing Jesus...

Why do we all keep engaging in this stupid dance?...as if our efforts to bully our way to a better world...rather than building it...constructively...are really working?...

Why do we keep doing this?...

I mean the easy answer is...

Because we're petty...and small...and immature...and unable to face reality...no matter how much it stands before us...

Although...I think more likely...is that we are working in good faith...but just unwilling to face the reality staring us in the face...

Does anyone really believe that any punishment that they inflicted on Christ...no matter how awful the brutality...that they could have made him a better man with it?...

Does anyone really believe that?...

Does anyone really believe that Christ's captors and those responsible for inflicting punishment on him were better people than Christ?...

Does anyone really believe that Christ or anyone should make important decisions based on contrition -- meaning fear of punishment -- rather than attrition -- meaning a sincere belief that they've done something wrong?...

Do any Jews really believe that, if Jesus was not the messiah -- I don't believe he was, even as I recognize what a great man he was and what a transforming message he had for the world -- that he would or should have changed his heart or mind based on how much he was punished or brutalized?...

Does anyone really believe that?...

Because given the current political environment...

You would think that most people believe that...

That all that is needed to make the world better to get tougher on people...

That what Jesus needed was a good crucifixion...or a good beating, at least...or at least a some mildly bad treatment...to whip him in line...

And to see that he was mistaken...

Just like George Bush...

Just like John Kerry...

Just like Tom Delay...

Just like Howard Dean...

Just like Judith Miller...

Just like Matthew Cooper...

Just like Lewis Libby...

Just like Bill Clinton...

And just like a million other people...

In politics...journalism...sports...entertainment... and a million other places...

Where people need to be crucified...

Or at least pressured a little bit...

To do our bidding...

No matter whether our bidding is a good thing...or a bad thing...

And you know what the irony of it all is?...

That we do it to one another to persuade one another that we are right...

And that there is nothing that dissuades others more of our being right...than our attempts to hurt them and punish them or blame them...

Ironic, isn't it?...

You really think Pope Benedict arranging for the resignation of Father Thomas Reese at America magazine persuades Father Reese of anything?...

Do you really think that Pope Benedict can teach Father Reese to be a good man...and to condemn homosexuality...rather than allowing for an open debate and discussion on the matter within the Church?...

And more importantly...

Do you really think the Pope is right?...or the better man among the two?...

Why do we keep doing this?...

This dance of responsibility...

Everyone asserts that we want people to take it...

But noone takes it...

All the while pretending that this is the way to greater responsibility?...

Why do we keep doing this?...

Don't we care at all about building a world where people do take greater responsibility?...

Don't we care at all about actually being good...and not just looking good...not just playing our bit role in some self-righteous dance?...

Don't we care at all about actually making the world better?...and not just standing by our own self-righteous notions of it?...

As they beat Jesus with flesh-ripping weapons in the courtyard...and on the path to his own crucifixion...

I ball every time...

How do people do something like that...and never take responsibility for it?...

How do people sink to such brutality and depravity...and never see what monsters they become in the process?...

How do we all rationalize inhumanity...and never recognize it as such?...

And how in the world did the Romans and the Jewish leaders of the time...think they could do that...and that Jesus' message -- of love and compassion and forgiveness and decency and humanity -- would be wiped out by punishing him?...

Completely unaware...that the same man they were brutalizing...would capture the imaginations of Romans a century later?...

How naive...and stupid...and senselessly brute could they possibly be?...

Could we all possibly be?...

What was wrong with them?...

What is wrong with us?...

What is wrong is that the more we hurt others to get our way...

The more callous we become to it...and its consequences...for all of us...

The more aggressive and destructive we are...

The more detached we become from our humanity...

And from how aggressive and destructive we are...

Jesus is crucified...to prove that he's not the Messiah...

And his message of love...and decency...and compassion...and forgiveness...to love thy neighbor as thyself...to love thy enemy...to pluck the beams from our eyes before we pluck the splinters from the eyes of our neighbors...

All of this gets ignored...

So that non-Christians...can prove that he's not the Messiah...and to punish a blasphemer...

What is so hard...about learning the lesson...that our power to hurt...and to punish others...does not make us right...

That we can use force...in limited situations...in self-defense...to prevent future violence against us and others...and that always...as much as possible...we should use the least amount of force necessary...because no amount of force...persuades anyone that we are right...and its use often leads others to believe that we are wrong...even if we might be right...

And that our use of force...must...as much as possible...though possible is the real qualifier here...but...as much as possible...it must be used thoughtfully...

And that responsibility is not something that can be forced...it is something that must be learned...and internalized...from example...and experience...and study...

What is so hard about learning that lesson, I wonder?...

I'm not quite sure, any more...

If you haven't seen the Passion of Christ, yet, you definitely should...it's a much better movie than I gave it credit for, the first time around...my major criticism has been that it doesn't tell the story of Jesus' message, enough, I didn't think...though, on second viewing, it actually paints a pretty incredible contrast...between Jesus' message of love...even for one's enemies...and the brutality...of his persecutors and captors...

And then, as now...the debate is about who is responsible for such a tragedy...

Because then, as now...noone wants to take responsibility for it...

And so will be the fate of humanity...

Until we learn greater humanity...in the face of our stubborn inhumanity...

See the movie...if you haven't already...

Love,
Ben

A great set of interviews...

Had a great couple of interviews, today, with the director of special education with the Kansas City, Kansas school district and the principal of Eisenhower Middle School in Kansas City for a mild/moderate special education resource room position they've been trying to fill:):)...great folks:):)...great district:):)...challenging position:):)...I'm all psyched:):)...

It is so impressive and refreshing, I must say, to see seasoned teachers/administrators so idealistic and committed to their jobs:):):)...very exciting:):)...and a very good beginning to my work with the district:):)...it looks like if I get this job, they'd like me to stay awhile:):)...

It's really exciting, I must say...the idea of working in KCK:):)...I have a special place in my heart for KCK:):)...

Both because of my teaching practicum at BRIDGES elementary, there, during the summer of 2000...a school for students with really serious behavioral issues who have been removed from other alternative settings...

And because Brandi was about the most enthusiastic resident/worker/community member of Kansas City, Kansas of anyone I ever met in Kansas City...check that...she was THE most enthusiastic member of the Kansas City community I ever met:):)...she loves that community...with all its issues:):)...and I guess that love of KC just rubbed off on me:):)...

And I am psyched about the opportunity to teach, again:):)...if there's anything that doing useful but less purposeful work offers you...it is to really appreciate the purposeful work, even with all the hassles that some with it:):)...including the paperwork...which we spent quite a bit talking about, today:):)...

And it is exciting to be able to share some ideas that I've had some time to develop, now, with some folks who feel a genuine responsibility for dealing with the problems they are meant to address...student violence...poverty...holding all students to the highest academic standards...and supporting them to get there...and generally supporting and challenging young people in ways that support their maturity...and the learning and growing of their teachers and their communities, as well:):)...

Eisenhower is a public school of choice, interestingly enough...and about 100 students have chosen Eisenhower, this year, as a part of choice provisions of the No Child Left Behind Act...very exciting...and a very nice comment on how parents and students think about Eisenhower:):)...

The Lawrence Journal World had a cover article, yesterday, on the Kansas State Board resisting efforts to introduce vouchers and charter schools as a part of school reforms in Kansas...

And I'm thinking...

What are they so scared of?...

That the new schools will be better than current public schools?...

Seems like an opportunity to welcome rather than resist...

That public schools may have something to learn from other schools?...

Sounds like a good idea to me...

That students may leave situations they don't feel good about in public schools to leave for what they hope will be better situations in other schools?...

Isn't that what we want?...parents and students taking their education seriously enough to choose the best situations for their kids and themselves?...

Or maybe what people are afraid of is that people will make bad choices...

Which, of course, never happens in public schools:):):):):):)...

You know why I believe in school choice...amongst a million other reasons...

Because I really do believe in public schools...and the opportunities that they offer kids...that they either take advantage of or not...

And I'm not scared...I think public schools...and public school students will do great...and are up to the challenge...of learning lessons from other schools that have the independence and freedom to learn diverse lessons...about how to improve situations in schools and for individual students...

And because I want parents and students to not just take education seriously enough to make important choices around it...

I want them to have the freedom, and thus the responsibility, that comes with making those choices...

Frankly...I think you can a great education -- if you take advantage of it -- in the schools in your own neigborhood...

But when people don't take as much advantage of those schools...as many people don't...

I don't want them to have the excuse that they just couldn't get into their school of choice...

I want them to be able to get access to whatever resources will be helpful to them...

And then I want them to get about the business of getting a strong education...to make a difference in this world...and to be a powerful change agent within it...

And when they don't...

I want them to only have one person to be able to point fingers at, if they're going to point fingers...

Themselves...

And not artificial limitations that we might put on them...

And it bodes well for Eisenhower that so many kids choose them:):)...

Hopefully, it means that they're earning that support...

And that's what public schools need to get focussed on, right now...

Earning the support of students and parents...rather than defending their turf...which is the tactic of a gang member...not schools that are confident in their abilities because they deserve to be:):)...

And those are the kind of schools that we want for all kids:):)...

More on school choice, another time...there are far more good arguments for school choice than there are bad arguments against it...

I need to get to work, here:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Reflections on the end (hopefully) of my life as an average joe:):):)...

Another long, satisfying day at work:):)...

I just read this really beautiful post by a friend of mine about her dad and his lawnmowing business:):)...and felt many of the same feelings of pride she described working for someone I respect:):)...in a business that doesn't get much respect:):)...

It's such a fine line to walk...working average joe jobs:):)...

On the one hand...much respect...that I have...and that I gain for people who do this kind of work for a living:):)...every day:):)...without a lot of respect, as my friend says:):)...

On the other hand...working it every day:):)...

I am constantly reminding myself...as I have at every joe job that I've had out of school:):)...

It's just lawnmowing...it's just garage doors...it's just a gas station...it's just air filtration systems...it's just Medicare customer service (though this one has more purpose, as you can imagine:):)...it's even just group homes for people with disabilities (this one does too...though the problem at CLO was that people took their jobs and their various random opinions about their jobs far too seriously...not that they didn't feel respected enough:):):)...

And...at some level...it's even...just teaching:):)...

Though there is definitely something far more purposeful in that work...than any of the jobs I've had thusfar out of grad school:):):)...

I'm reminded...as I read this friends blog:):)...

That I love my friends...I really do...

And they need some serious humbling, right now:):):)...

That they...and everyone...needs to learn the bottom line on life...

Which is that heart matters...effort matters...responsibility matters...love matters...respect and decency and humanity matter...

But key to all of those...

Is that thinking matters...and that it matters whether you like it or not...

I've thought about our situation almost every day of work since we've had our various discussions about it (we're not really on talking terms, right now)...and Melissa and I have talked about it almost every day since those discussions/arguments took places...

And the bottom line...that they are going to have to come to terms with...whether they like it or not...

Is that thinking matters...even in what often seems like simple, everyday life...

Do you realize how clear that becomes when you work with such a broad swath of folks that either think more or think less on the job?...when you watch people make the same stupid mistakes over and over again because they just don't think about them enough...some of them which I point out, because they're important enough...and many of them, which I don't...because they just don't seem worth the conflict:):):)...

I just committed to judging a debate tournament...at Lawrence High School...here in December...

And I have a friend in Wichita, Brian White, who coaches a really excellent private high school Kapaun Mt. Carmel, who I've been wanting to judge for for some time now...

And thinking about judging debate makes it so clear, too...

I don't know why people get so defensive about this...

I guess because we all want to think we're doing life well enough, I suppose...we want to be accepted for ourselves...and not have to work at it so much...

And that is all definitely true...and worthy...we all definitely need to be accepted for just ourselves...no additional work necessary...

I love my friends...they've just fucked up...and they don't quite understand why, at this point...because they just haven't thought about it, enough...and, largely, because they jumped the gun on something too serious to be trigger-happy with...
which...if they would really think about it...is exactly the basis for a lot of our differences on other issues, as well...

Because...although we all definitely need to be accepted for just who we are...

Life...needs us to think more...

Always...forever...and forever...

All of us...forever...and forever...

There is no end to this one:):)...

That's one of the reasons I love this song I'm listening to...U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...it captures that spirit well, actually...and its perpetuity:):)...

You know why I feel like a kid, again...just with more maturity, now?...

Because...I've totally come to terms with this one...

That the thing that is common...for all of us...for our entire lives...

Is that we are never done learning...

Ever...

Ever...

Ever...

Ever...

That we will be thinking differently...learning new things...growing and maturing...for the rest of our lives...all of us...till the end of humanity...which I hope is nowhere close or soon...

And we can either open up to that, personally...and open up our cultures...

To more of that...

Or less of that...

And that is the end of the story...

What do all of the strongest, wisest, most decent and humane cultures and individuals all have in common?...

That they are that open...and opening up more all the time...

And what do the weakest, most petty, most vengeful, most hateful, most bitter, most cruel and inhumane cultures and individuals all have in common?...

They when the opportunity to open up and learn comes their way...which is every moment that we are alive...

They curl up with their self-pity...and cowardice...and thoughtlessness...and close themselves off from the world...and all of the pain and happiness...superficiality and depth...higher values and lower values...love and pain...all the stuff of life...that is what makes for the fullest life...

That's why compassion comes from strength...and why weaker people always confuse it with weakness...

Because it involves a level of courage that they do not know...

And are too afraid to venture...

Well...my friends are not those types of people...

When the going gets tough...my friends get going...

When push comes to shove...they take up the challenge...

Because the challenge is where life is at...

And thinking seriously is a challenge...I definitely grant you:):):)...

But it's the challenge that comes with living...

It takes an open heart and an open mind to do it well...especially if you're going to do it really well...personally...I never settle for less than the best...my best, at least...and the best, period, if possible...

My friends are average folks...good folks...with potential to be great folks (they're actually pretty great, as is...but they also have a lot of unfulfilled potential in this respect)...

Much like a lot of the folks that I've worked with for the past three years...a tenure that I hope is up, here, very soon:):):)...

Like those folks...they're family...they feel like home...and I love them tons...

But they also infuriate the fuck out of me...with too much mindlessness...and half-hearted bullshit...much of the time...

The difference with these friends..

Is that though I love all my friends...

These friends I'd die for (I'd die for all of my friends...which means anyone...frankly...but these friends I wouldn't have to think twice about that)...

And they are my friends forever...no doubt about that...

And they are going to have to think about this one...whether they fuckin' like it or not...because I won't accept anything less...

The infuriating thing about my joe jobs out of school...has been too little thought...

Though I've also been anticipating -- accurately, I think -- that I will face that as a teacher, as well...and a university professor, even...and just about any if not every job that I will have and every situation I will be in for the rest of my life...

And I will teach...and study...and engage...every one of those situations (within reason...an awful lot of shit is just not worth the time and effort:):):)...

With the same expectation...

Thoughtfulness matters...

And if you don't take it seriously...

Then I will take it seriously for you...until you do:):):)...

And a warm and sincere thank you to every teacher, thinker, and person in my life who has done for me...along the way:):):)...

Reading Joe Nye's Soft Power, right now...his latest book...amazing stuff...head and shoulders above a lot of folks in his field:):)...

And I still already see problems with his concepts...most importantly...that he doesn't distinguish, well enough, between force -- meaning the ability to compel people to do your bidding -- and power -- meaning...by Joe's definition...and a definition I think is a good one...the ability to obtain desired outcomes -- which not only are not the same thing...which Joe blurs, too much, in his descriptions of hard power, I believe...but which are often at odds...very often...far too often for someone as smart as Joe not to discuss it nearly enough...

Meaning...force -- the ability to compel people to do your bidding -- often interferes...and too often is counterproductive...to power -- the ability to to obtain desired outcomes...

Joe's conceptions of hard power and soft power, in my view...after reading much of his very large body of work over the years...

Is just a little fuzzy...intellectually...to my mind...

And his failure to make this clearer distinction...between force and power...is the source of a lot of his problems, I believe:):)...

But I have to say...the brilliance of his work...is breathtaking...it's like studying with a master...it is studying with a master:):):)...his is remarkably thoughtful work...

But I wholly agree with this very wise and brilliant passage from his first chapter in that book...that is wholly applicable to a whole slew of differences that my friends and I have about the nature of power...

As Joe puts it quite nicely...

"Most practical politicians and ordinary people often find these questions of behavior and motivation too complicated. Thus they turn to a second definition of power and simply define it as the possession of capabilities or resources that can influence outcomes. Consequently they consider a country powerful if it has a relatively large population and territory, extensive natural resources, economic strength, military force, and social stability. The virtue of this second definition is that it makes power appear more concrete, measurable, and predictable. But this definition also has problems. When people define power as synonymous with the resources that produce it, they sometimes encounter the paradox that those best endowed with power do not always get what they want." - Joe Nye, Soft Power, (Public Affairs, NY, 2004), p.3

And that is the heart of the matter:):):)...

Have a great night everyone:):):)...

Talk with you soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why my lawnmowing job is the best job I've had out of school:):):)...

Things are going really well, at this point, at my job:):)...

I have an interview likely/hopefully this next week for a special education job in Kansas City, Kansas:):)...this job has given me much more opportunity to do all the extensive work that has been involved with applying for teaching jobs (transcripts, university holds, placement files, applications, two new certification tests, etc.), which has been really nice:):)...despite the lower pay and the unpredictability about whether I'll get enough hours to pay bills, etc...

But that's not the reason why my job is good:):)...

This is my best job...because of the people...and they way they relate:):)...

It's a very laid back environment...which makes us far more productive...far more work...and far less unproductive conflict...than in a place like Amarr...where pressure for productivity led to the totally counterproductive result of less productivity:):)...because it created all sorts of conflict...that just slowed everyone down:):):)...I talked about it while I was at Amarr...so I did my job...and they get to live with the consequences of their policy choices:):)...

This lawnmowing business is a much smaller business...it's a quarter of a million dollar business in assets invested, according to the big boss:):)...so it's nothing to sneeze at:):)...but it's nothing like a bigger corporation like Amarr:):)...

But it is definitely more power for the punch:):)...it's much more productive...much more friendly...much more flexible...and overall...even with the money issues for me, right now:):)...it is a much better place to work...

And the fundamental issue that makes it a nicer place to live...is that the guys are more decent and responsible...

The guys aren't perfect...noone is...

But the great thing is that I've heard the phrase, "I'm sorry" or its equivalent more at this job than I think I've ever heard at a job...it's very refreshing...

I've had at least twice when my bosses have treated me shitty...and then apologized for it...

And it is so refreshing to hear that from a boss...and not all the bullshit about how, "I have to be an asshole, because the world will fall apart if I learn to be a more decent human being":):):)...

And it means that we are all much more friends...and like each other...and work harder for one another...and with one another...

It's very much like my family's construction business back home:):):)...lots of family in this business, too:):)...and lots of family feeling even for folks who are not family, as in my family's business:):)...

The owner, John, is a really great guy:):)...he's not perfect:):)...noone is:):)...so it's almost redundant to say it:):):)...but he's a really great guy:):):)...he's definitely from a more conservative background than me, I think:):)...he hunts elk and bear and other exotic animals:):)...he loves country music:):)...though he was a big Motley Crue fan, back in the day:):)...he even has a Motley Crue tatoo:):):)...

John is what back home we'd call "good people":):)...he reminds me a lot of my uncles and my family back home:):)...his business helps him live so that he can raise a family and spend weekends hunting and camping and the stuff that he loves in life:):)...John works to live, as my Uncle Tom would say:):)...he does not live to work...

And it's a really great attitude towards life that I very much appreciate:):)...

And his crew is one of the most productive and decent that I've worked with of the many joe jobs that I've had out of school (including the group home work I did for people with disabilities)...

There are no urine analyses at this job...like there are at so many jobs...so there's not all the lying and the pretending around drug use that happens at every job I've had out of school...by most of the people I've worked with...John does not sanction drug use...people just focus their efforts doing good work...and not on the fruitless effort to make people not do drugs...which clearly does not work, if you have any familiarity with the drug culture, at all...

I am an exception...someone who does not use drugs...or even drink very much...and smoke almost not at all, any more...even though I work at a job where there are no real prohibitions against it and no effort to try to prevent it...

And I still prefer this kind of environment...where I choose to do drugs or not...not some fruitless effort to make me not do drugs which could not ever work...no matter how much people might want to make me or anyone...

And I am far more loyal to a boss like John...than I would be in a million years to all of the bosses who've tried to run my life at so many other jobs...

I work much more independently at this job than I have at most of my other jobs...with lots of feedback...much of which I appreciate and learn quite a bit from (there is so much to lawnmowing, weedeating, and landscaping that you never imagined, I bet:):)...and which is generally given nicely...even as there is plenty of foolishness and shitty behavior, at times, as well:):)...

I can see why my immediate supervisors have stuck with this job for so long...because it's a nice place to work...and having a big boss who works with you...and is not in some office far away...and who takes spending time with his family and away from the job seriously...and not just as an afterthought for when s/he's not thinking about making more money...is very important and refreshing, I must say:):)...

Most people who work too much never account for the terrible consequences it has for their lives, I'm learning...and I'm just not interested in hearing their excuses for that, any more:):)...and for acting like it doesn't matter to not constantly push my mind and body beyond reasonable limits of exhaustion to try to keep up with some hypercompetitive and unhealthy standard of existence...all because people are too foolish and stubborn to recognize the problems it creates...

But trying to cope with the terrible behavior of an advisor that had never heard of a break or a vacation that seemed worthy to him...who stayed away from home for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas so he could get more work done...

And who treated everyone around him -- me, in particular -- like shit, so that he would never have to deal with what an asshole he had become, in part because of how far beyond exhaustion he always pushed himself...

That experience taught me a lot about how someone can make a mess of their life and others' lives by pretending that driving themselves and others beyond their limits was somehow healthy or good or worthy...or whatever other stupid rationalizations that people use to ignore just how terribly they treat themselves and others in the name of their fears around their jobs, their livelihoods, and money...

I have no interest nor any plans to do that with my life...and I will keep moving in that direction until I find the a more sustainable life for me, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and everyone I deal with:):)...

And I don't give a fuck what rationalizations others have to for living a life that they hate...and which doesn't serve them or anyone else very well, in the meantime...

And I seriously appreciate that this job is more concerned with the life that a job allows one to live...rather than living the fantasy that any job, no matter how important, means something more than that life...

Much of the reason why I am frustrated with the reaction to Hurricane Katrina...even as I, of course, want the most constructive, effective response possible...in any situation like that...is that people just fail to account for this fact of life, very well...

That giving space for people to develop better, more constructive approaches to a whole range of issues...is far more effective and does far less damage than trying to force peoples' hands, as a general rule....

But the truth is that many people who were reacting to the situations in Florida...were reacting...without thinking too much at all...about the needs of those who were responsible for responding...to most effectively respond to the situation...

Which hurts those responses...it did not and does not help them...

I do understand, after dealing with a similarly serious crisis situation in my own life when I was unemployed, why people react as strongly as they do...but Kanye West was not dealing with a crisis...nor were many of the folks pushing too hard...and not giving enough space for the folks at FEMA, in New Orleans and other cities, and by the State of Louisiana and other states, to do their jobs...he was dealing with an ideological difference with President Bush about how to handle all sorts of issues...the crisis in New Orleans only being one of them...none of which he understood or understands very well it is pretty clear from his comments...

But that and all of Kanye's phony charges of racism...or arguing that the President and the Administration didn't care about what was happening in New Orleans...or Florida...or Mississippi...

Would require folks like Kanye to do what -- contrary to the Time Magazine article laughably calling him the smartest man in pop music would lead you to believe -- he is not very good at doing...

To think about it...and to understand, better, how to help...

And if you aren't or can't think about these things better...at least, in the moment...

Then the least you can do is what my job does...

Which is give people the space to do their jobs better...over time...and with as much encouragement...and as little shittiness...as possible...

That was why my high school forensics coach, Conrad Jestmore, was such a great coach:):)...

Conrad was a smart man:):)...he was not a scholar, in the way that my professors are...but he was a very smart man...he was one of the first teachers I had to challenge my early romanticism of Communism, my junior year of high school, when I had just finished a rough reading of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engel's Communist Manifesto in Klaus Kolmei's A.P. History class...

Conrad was (and is, as far as I know) a big libertarian...and a strong proponent of the work and objectivist philosophy of Ayn Rand (The Fountainhead and Ayn Rand's work, generally, was the basis for my junior year term paper, that year, in Elizabeth Taggart's Honor's English class)...

And though I am not a libertarian in the cast of Ayn Rand, really...her influence, like Marx's, has had a important influence on me...

But more important the ideas that Conrad shared with me that had influence on me...

Was his example...

When I competed for Mr. Jestmore...which is how I first met him...as my forensics coach...my sophomore year of high school...

Mr. Jestmore's biggest strength as a teacher and as a coach...was not in what he knew...though he knew quite a bit, really...about politics...theater...forensics and debate...

But Mr. Jestmore's biggest strength...was that when I needed independence to succeed in forensics...which I had quite a bit of in my career...

He got out of my way...

My sophomore year, my primary event was dramatic interpretation...for whatever reasons...my dramatic interp, a ten-minute cut from Inherit the Wind, by Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee, was more successful than my other major event that year, my duo with my best friend, Mike Coupland, from the play Luv, by Murray Schisgal...perhaps because Inherit the Wind was a better play than Luv:):):)...

I was doing very well with it...and despite Mr. Jestmore's very sound reservations about my doing the piece (one of which was expressed by the Wichita East coach in a comment on one of my ballots...that I was too young to be playing two characters that were so clearly much older and more mature than me)...

Mr. Jestmore gave me room to do my thing...

And I did very well...for many years...in high school and college...

And much of that...and much of my independence, today...

Is due to the humility and decency of one teacher to trust me to find my own way:):)...

And I will never forget that:):):)...

And much of the reason I left grad school...despite a very generous stipend to do work there...

Was because of the opposite problem...

Because I had a teacher who gave me much room to do my own thing...but who, ultimately, did not trust me, enough...when I was just beginning to spread my wings...and do really profound work in my field and in several alligned fields, I believe...

As Joseph Campbell, the greatest cultural historian of the twentieth century, wrote of his own Ph.D. experience...that he left early as well...working for four years, amidst the depression, no less, on chicken farms and other odd jobs...

I outgrew the Ph.D...

Because I didn't have enough room...to do the work...and the learning...and the growing...that I went to grad school to do...

There were all kinds of advantages and disadvantages that came with leaving...

But after much thought about it...and much agonizing over whether I would make the same decision again...and much more importantly to me...whether I would advise a future student to make the same move...

I have to say that I think it was a good move, on balance...though there were many disadvantages that came with it...the rough treatment I received outside school walls being a big one...and the financial sacrafices I made being a really important one, as well...

But the biggest advantage...the independence and the room to do the work and the learning and the growing...that I needed to do...to inform and shape the kind of work that would have a lasting impact on humanity...not just a fleeting one...

Is one that made that decision, on balance, a good one, I believe:):)...

And I can confidently say now...that even if I wanted to trade in a life of fear...for a life of freedom...

I couldn't do it...

It's not in me...

I will always choose to brave the elements...to get to freedom...

Always...

"Give us us free" cries Cinque, in the courtroom sequence in Amistad..."Give us us free"...

Always...always...

I can't live any other way...

Freedom is the oxygen to live...the oxygen for my life...and I can't breathe without it...

And that is what this job offers me, more, than any of the jobs I've had since leaving school:):):)...

"Give us...us free"...

Have a good week, everyone...

Love,
Ben

We are such shitheads...

...people...

We're all so goddamned calloused toward each other...

We do it so long...we just become kinda shitheads...

And there's no way forward but by acknowledging that...

And why are we so shitty to one another?...

Because someone...many people...were shitty to us...

And so our children will say when asked why they're so shitty to one another...and to us...

And so will their children...

And their children...

Unless we take responsibility for it...

And you know what's shittiest about our behavior?...

That we're tempted to just blow it all off...

To just pretend like we're not as shitty as we really are...

Because to be better just seems so hard...

What fuckin' pussies we all are...

It's just so hawd to be betta...

And so the cycle continues...

Until we acknowledge just how shitty we treat one another...

All in the name...of being treated better...much of the time...

And that is exactly what makes us so goddamned shitty...the self-centeredness of it all...

Because the truth is...most people...think more about being treated better...than treating others better...

What shitheads we all are...

And yet...

The only way out of this mess...

Is to face it...acknowledge it...and love ourselves and forgive ourselves despite it...

Because treating ourselves and others even shittier...

Is what got us in the mess in the first place...

Fundamentally...there are two choices...

Either keep being shitheads...

Or acknowledge what shitheads we often are...love ourselves and forgive ourselves despite our shittiness...

And move forward...

Those are -- fundamentally -- our two choices...

And the most fundamental choice we will likely make in our lives...

Have a good weekend, everyone...

Love,
Ben

I have to admit...

'Can I quit now?' FEMA chief wrote as Katrina raged

Things are not looking good for Michael Brown's competence, at this point...

His emails are flip...and out-of-touch...he does seem much more interested in his wardrobe than events on the ground during Katrina...he just seems not ready for that job, at all, really...

The Democratic and liberal efforts to get the Administration led me to take their defense during that time...I still think that people need to be far more constructive and far less on the attack as they were during that crisis...which made it worse, much of the time, rather than better...

But newsflash for liberals and Democrats:

Going after the Administration as a general rule undermines even credible criticisms of the Administration...stop being assholes...be more honest and fair...and you will be listened to when the shit hits the fan...

In the meantime...Michael Brown and Ray Nagin both look like they had no clue how to handle a major disaster...though, interestingly enough, I heard no criticism from Democratic quarters of New Orleans' Democratic mayor Ray Nagin who did a miserable job of leading during that crisis...

Partisan politics is such bullshit...and this is just one of the many million ways that it fucked up a really important government responsibility...

Partisans and chicken-littles the world round need to finally get a clue...attacking the opposition relentlessly does not work...nor does signalling catastrophe around every corner...it undermines your credibility...especially when you are right...knuckleheads...

My parents say that they have not lost any money on their efforts to resettle folks from Katrina at their hotel in Dallas...which is good...they and others have donated enough to cover costs and at least break even...which is good...they were just starting to make profit on that hotel...so it would have sucked to edge backwards on that...

Thanks to everyone who made a constructive effort to help those displaced by Katrina, Rita, and Wilma...and no thanks to Democratic and liberal partisans...who made responding to those crises far more difficult, not easier, with they're narrow-minded power gambles...assholes...

Love,
Ben

A courageous legacy...and a comment on how so many people are confused on what real courage looks like...

10 years ago, today...Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated...

A decade after Rabin's death, his legacy still divides

For those who don't know Yitzhah Rabin...he was the remarkably courageous prime minister of Israel who helped create the vision of a peaceful co-existence between a democratic Israel and a Palestinian state...who helped inspire so many efforts by Israeli leaders -- Ehud Barak and Shimon Perez, in particular -- to dedicate their careers and their lives to peace between Israelis and Palestinians...

The idea that Yitzhak Rabin's legacy would be debated...for someone to seriously argue against Rabin's legacy of a belief and a commitment to peace between Israel and Palestine...

Is beyond me, really...

I almost can't comprehend it...

I can't imagine how totally out of touch with realities in both lands and with the aspirations for peace that someone would have to have to denigrate Rabin or his legacy...

Which is the most courageous legacy that Israel has to offer...

I can't imagine what total cowardice it would take a person to denigrate someone who gave literally everything...to see peace in the Middle East...

Because they can't find it in their hearts to believe in that peace...

Debating Rabin's legacy of a serious commitment to peace between Israel and Palestine is like debating's the civil rights legacy of Martin Luther King...or the commitment to independence for India and Indians of Mohatma Ghandi...in my book...so much do I admire and respect that man and his courage and his sacrafice...

What is wrong with people?...

What makes such cowardice possible?...

What cynicism could possibly make us so small...in a world...that is so big?...

I don't know...

I just know that I couldn't possibly settle for that world...

Or to equivocate it with a world of more courage and decency...

Margaret Mead has a much repeated, almost cliche quotation...about how to never despair that there are so few people working on the matters of the human heart that matter...that the world has always been changed by only a few people working on its behalf...

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

I've heard that quotation a million times...

Brandi and I used to joke about how cliche and yet how true it really was...

How do so many people lose such touch with their own sense of hope and idealism, I wonder?...their own sense of courage to seek change in a world that will languish in its own tragic inertia and self-fulfilling prophecies without such courage...

How do they ignore the legacies of so many people who've made our present world so possible through their own courage?...

It does put things in perspective for me...

That there are some qualities in the world...

Courage...decency...humanity...thoughtfulness...

That many people understand...and still many other fail to understand them...

And helps me see the much more tragic legacy...of Rabin's detractors...and cowardice in the world, generally...

That some people never know real courage...or decency...or humanity...or thoughtfulness...ever...in their lifetimes...

And that legacy is far more tragic...and bankrupt...

In light of the legacy of genuine courage...and vision...and hope...of a great man...like Yitzhak Rabin...

Than ignoring the courage of Prime Minister Rabin...

If most people cannot...in the span of a little more than a week...

Comprehend the deep hope and idealism and courage...

That the commeration of the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin...and the death of Rosa Parks...has to offer us...

I don't know what would help them see the light, better...to open their hearts to the world of possibilities that such heroes offer us...

I just know that I couldn't possible imagine living my life...without recognizing and being inspired by their greatness...

Examples that are worthy in and of themselves...totally independent of whether everyone recognizes them or not...

Thank you, Yitzhak Rabin...for your courage...and your ultimate sacrafice...for a vision of peace...for your country...and for the world...

L'Chaim...

Love,
Ben

What's wrong with us?...

...people, I mean...

Why are we always looking for who's better?...

Who's smarter?...who's stronger?...who's got the right religion...or is religious enough?...who's got the right ideology...or is liberal or conservative or radical or communist or Islamist or Christian or Jewish or whatever enough?...who's richer?...who's sexier?...who's more powerful?...who offends us less?...who we can outcast?...who it's ok to hate?...who it's ok to kill?...

Why are we always doing this?...

What purpose does it serve?...

I know why I do it...

I do it when I don't trust people...

I try not to do it...

But sometimes it gets to be too much...

Sometimes people just shit on me, too much...

And I don't trust them...sometimes...

But the truth is...we all do...

Every single one of us...

Without exception...

So why do we do it, then?...

Maybe...it's because though we all prove ourselves unworthy of trust...at times...

We all also have a hard time acknowledging our responsibility for that...

Definitely some more than others...no doubt about that...

But I am becoming convinced that we all have a hard time taking responsibility...

Not just for how we prove ourselves less worthy of trust...

But for how we all keep that in place...

Meaning how shitty we treat one another...

And how little we account for how that makes things worse, generally...

Our saving grace, I think...is that we can't sustain ourselves on that...

And when and if we're honest enough with ourselves and one another...and smart enough about it...

We see that, better...

And we can't maintain that path...

Because we can't pretend, any more, that it's working...

We can't pretend, any more...that when we treat people like shit...

That we're really better than we are...

When it's so clear that we're not...

And when we come clean on that...

We can either forgive ourselves...and love ourselves...for what shitheads we can be...

Or we keep pretending...

But pretending doesn't make the reality go away...

It's just pretending...

And that's, really, the worst tragedy of all...

That we never learn to love ourselves...or be loved...or love one another...

For who really are...

And not who we imagine ourselves to be...or even the great people we aspire to be...

All of us...

That includes me...

You know what?...

I'm not going to do this, any more...any of this...

This life...

For anyone else...

From now on...

It's for me...

And if others happen to appreciate it...then so be it...

But my life is for me...

I've fallen short in my life...more times than I can count...worse, at times, more than others...I've done well...many times, too...

But my own final judgment of myself is the only one that counts...

And maybe if I believe that...for real...

Then I won't look to anyone else...at all...for their approval...or their love or not...or their judgment of me...

Because God knows I don't trust anyone else to know better for me...that's for goddamned sure:):)...

And God knows that my judgment is the only one that really counts for me...

I noticed the other night...talking with my father...that his approval still means far too much to me:):)...I love my dad:):)...but he and I both know that he's a great guy...and a fallible guy:):)...I know why I feel like that when I do:):)...

Or why any of us confuse other peoples' perceptions of how good we are...with the reality of how good we are...

Because...really...who gives a shit what peoples' perceptions are of how good or not we are?...

Perceptions don't mean anything, really...

Unless they are based on reality...

And yet, again and again...I read...in media accounts...in journalistic columns...even in scholarly work...

Where people persistently confuse perception with reality...where people show concern about others' perceptions of their actions...rather than the reality of whether what they are doing is good or not...

And my question is...who gives a shit?...

Has anyone's perception of you as good or bad...actually made you good or bad?...

Obviously not...

Our actions are good or bad...better or worse...based on the reality that they are good or bad...better or worse...

And everything else is just bullshit, really...

And who really gives a shit about that:):):)LOL:):):)...

But maybe we all get so wrapped up in rationalizing the bullshit...in trying to look better than we really are...

That we all just kind of lose track of whether we really are good people or not...

And I'm just tired of all that...

I've been tired of all that for quite awhile...

And I'm just coming to terms with the fact that it really doesn't matter...if you genuinely want to do good and be good...

And that often...doing good and being good...means throwing off concerns about how you look or seem good...

And just committing yourself to doing good and being good...no matter what the consequences...

Most people don't live their lives like that, really...

But they all want to appear as if they live their lives like that...

Even when they don't:):):)...

And the question we all have to ask ourselves...down deep...

Is do we just want to try to look good...even when we're not?...

Or do we actually want to be good?...to do good?...even when it's unpopular?...or when it doesn't appear to some as good?...so wrapped up are they in looking good rather than being good...

I got tired of trying to look good a long time ago...

After years of success in high school and college speech and debate...based, to a great degree, on merit...on actually being good and doing good...

But based, too much, on looking good...rather than really doing or being good...

After 7 years of that...I finally decided, as I applied for grad school...

That I didn't want that, any more...

That I was tired of doing anything in my life, any more...based on how I appeared...rather than the actual merits of my efforts...of my ideas...of myself, as a person...

The irony is that people...generally...all over the world...

Obsess about this question...

How good or not people are...how good they can be...what doing good and being good looks like...

And then we engage in all kinds of actions...

That maintain our focus on looking good...rather than being good...by expecting ourselves and others...to repress when we're thinking or doing or being bad...or less than ideal...and that keep us focussed on how we look to others...rather than how we actually are...inside and out...

And then all the most terrible crimes we commit against one another...like the Holocaust...genocide...terrorism...serial and mass murders...

All get committed in the name of how people want to appear as if they are good...or better...

With a total detachment from whether they really are doing and being good...or better...

And those crimes get committed...because people, finally, lose track, completely...of whether their lives are about doing good...or looking good...

It's all so terribly tragic...

It's the best argument for why hope and progress are, ultimately, the only possible pathes...

Because the only other route is total self-destruction...and destruction of one another...

Total detachment from what shitheads we can be...rather than just facing our shithead tendencies...loving ourselves despite them...and moving forward...

Denial...defensiveness...pretending...

These don't offer us a way forward...

At best, they offer us a way to maintain all of the same problems we have currently...

And, at worst...they make problems worse...rather than better...

And the only reason to pretend...to be better than we are...

Is to avoid consequences we don't want...and to get the things we want...

And if we want to be good, for real...

And we want others to be good for real...

Then we have to stop ignoring these things...

We have to do what our family and teachers and other good people in our lives told us we had to do when we were young...

We have to do good because it's the right thing to do...

Not because we are either scared or seduced by negative or positive consequences...

Because the latter...is about looking good...

Not about being good...

I do think that, at some level...we care about being good...

And it is that desire...deep down in our hearts...

Which is our center...our authentic center...

Our political center...our moral center...our real center in life...

And we lose track of it...

When we focus, too much, on how we look...to others...

Rather than who we are...for real...

Fallible...flawed...uncertain...scared...human beings...

Human being with limits...

Human beings who can be better...but which limits we can't entirely transcend...no matter how much hubris leads us to believe otherwise...

And it is our fantasy of our own perfectability...and our hubris to believe that we can be anything other than fallible, flawed, uncertain human beings...

That keeps us lost...on the path of looking good...

Rather than being good...

I'm tired of world based too much on looking good...rather than being good...

Because...when it comes to looking good...rather than being good...I'm always left with the question...

Who gives a shit?...really...

The only thing that matters...really...is doing good...and being good...

Everything else is bullshit...

Happy Halloween, everyone:):)...have a great week:):)...

Love,
Ben