Appreciating really decent people

I have to say that the more I get to know how shitty so many people in the world can be, the more I appreciate really decent people and just what a rare pleasure they are.

Most of us are kind of snarky and shitty with one another. We treat each other like shit. People, I mean. All of us. Me included.

And so it's really nice when you get the rare pleasure of spending time with really decent people. Makes up for all the shittiness of humanity.

I've got major pain on my heart, right now. Letting go of Brandi as a friend is much harder than I ever expected. She's been such a shithead during this period. But even a shithead is hard to get off your heart.

And trying to let go of pain off your heart during a period when there is almost literally nothing to be inspired by in contemporary politics or culture, which is so full of the bankrupt values of a nasty, destructive, dysfunctional humanity gone astray and taking no responsibility for the destruction it causes is a little much for my heart, right now.

But it does remind me why I prefer to spend my time with really decent people and why I value lovingness above all. Because people who don't take lovingness and decency seriously are kind of shitty people to be around. And who wants to spend time with such people, no matter how much money you might be paid.

Me, apparently, given many of the kids I work with. But then just one or two really decent, kind-hearted and curious kids can make up for all of the shitheadedness.

Here's to decent people. And here's to everyone being more decent to one another and all of us cutting out the bullshit and the excuses for what shitheads we can all be. All of us. Me included.

Love,
Ben

Bad habits of thought that govern our world

I was talking with a teacher, today, about bad habits of thought that govern in education. But the truth is that most of the most resolvable and serious problems in the world are the results of bad habits of thought.

In education, the laziest and worst habit of thought that animates so much of what is wrong with American education and education the world over is the habit of exclusion. The notion that some people are smart and need to be included in the best and most thoughtful educational opportunities and that some people are stupid and need to be left out of those opportunities (or that people who do not think of themselves as smart need to leave themselves out of those opportunities) is the single most serious problem in American education, and likely education internationally, today. It's true that, as I remarked to my colleague, today, we want surgeons who will know more and be less likely to kill people. And it's true that a lot of people want to be auto mechanics and do not want to be bothered with serious academic learning.

It's also true that we are better off with smarter mechanics and surgeons, and that academic learning, when done well, facilitates that sort of deep and broadly applicable learning that can facilitate more knowledge, understanding, brainstorming, problem-solving, and collaboration that learning that does not take such notions seriously does not generally provide as well. To my mind, this means more people getting liberal arts educations (along with whatever other forms of study), but it also means more partnerships between liberal arts institutions and technical and other higher education opportunities. That is one of the advantages, to my mind, of a public university experience: the degree of partnership and inclusion of those who study all sorts of fields and from all sorts of backgrounds in adult education.

I don't come from a terribly educated background. I am, by far, the most educated person in my family and of most of my friends. I also happen to be smarter, independent of background or education level, generally, I think most people who know me would acknowledge.

But I don't feel comfortable in any institution that is exclusive. I don't come from exclusive roots. I am from middle class people. But I'm from middle class people who might very easily be excluded by any number of groups or people. And I just don't feel comfortable with people who might accept me but reject them. And I certainly don't feel comfortable with anyone who might reject me, obviously, and generally find such snottiness a sign of someone who is less sure of their intellect, their station, or themselves.

And yet, it is that exclusiveness that fucks up life, most, for people of every background. It is done in the name of assuring quality, I'm quite aware. But it also serves to promote misplaced notions of superiority and pity, both of which go hand in hand, and both of which serve everyone poorly.

The biggest problem I have in schools, I'm noticing, is that, as I have done my whole life, I am living between two different worlds.

On the one hand, I live in this world of scholarship and reflection and thought on the most serious cultural and policy issues that most people find kind of boring, in their foolish pursuits of entertainment at the expense of more genuine and intelligent self-respect and achievement. Most people don't think of themselves as smart, is the truth. And it is my mission to make the clear argument for why all people are smart, as an objective matter - my kids and I just had this conversation, this week, reflecting on the mistakes of objectively less intelligent human beings of the earliest periods of human existence who had made mistakes that future generations would have to learn from and how virtually every human being living today would be far more intelligent by any objective standard than these earlier human beings - even as it is also clearly true that not everyone is prepared for medical school. If more people recognized their intelligence and their capacity for being smart, the smarter all of our communities would be. Smart janitors and auto mechanics and farmers and builders and industrial workers are good for all of us, including and especially the people with those jobs. But most people don't believe that they are capable of more smarts than they really are capable of because of the more exclusive nature of most schools, American or otherwise, and the fact that too many schools take this pride, and not their commitment to the strongest educations for all people, more seriously than it deserves, rather than their commitment to the idea that the best teaching looks after the interests of each student to get as much and as high a quality of education as possible, even if some people choose to be janitors and others choose to be doctors.

A better commitment to education and to people, generally, does not look for excuses for students or teachers for why they do not pursue opportunities for themselves and one another in the form of biology or genetics or social class or background or whatnot. A better commitment to education and people looks to create opportunities for all people and all students, where the choice to pursue various careers or opportunities are more genuine choices, made freely and without shame or resignation, rather than any one of us (or any faculty, for that matter) attempting to decide for anyone else what they might or might not be capable of. It is a commitment that both students and teachers regularly fail in. It is also the only real solution to educational and consequential life inequities, as well as a genuine commitment to resolving those inequities freely, and none of this small potatoes welfare-state reform premised on the very notions of superiority and pity, dependency and a lack of dignity, which create this problem in the first place.

Real progress around educational equity, like real progress around every other matter of social equity in the 21st century, when so many barriers to greater equity have been removed, does not come from mandates for equity. These will forever and notoriously fail. Mark my words on that one. Real progress around educational equity, like real progress around every other matter of social equity in the 21st century, will come from genuine, voluntary, freely-chosen efforts by average and not-so-average people to share what they have and to create a sense of belonging for all people, just as the most liberal (small-l, liberty-based liberalism, here) progress has offered people since the enlightened progress was first chartered in the history books of liberal cultures.

That is a change in a habit of thought for many people used to thinking about new laws associated with new freedoms and justice. And there are still plenty of ways that law can be employed to expand that more genuine progress and more genuine freedom that comes with the spread of more genuinely liberal values.

But the bottom line is that either people work with a genuine commitment to the interests and welfare of one another, or that promise will never be fulfilled, no matter how much we appeal to it. And pretending that mandating such concern is the same as creating it is just lying to ourselves and others. Nothing new. But it would nice for future generations of our children if we both believed in looking out for the interests and welfare of one another, for real, and didn't have to lie to kids that we do it because we genuinely care about the welfare or interests of them or their family or their friends when we really have the ulterior motive of explaining or justifying their superiority or their pity for themselves or others. It would also be nice that, if, as a part of that commitment, we genuinely believed in their right to self-determine their lives, even as they make foolish and unwise choices. That has been the hardest part of my job, lately. Watching kids and adults make incredibly foolish choices with their lives and the lives of others, foreclosing futures out of a pride about what they do and do not need in the world and out of a lack of faith in an educational system that they don't feel is geared to their needs or interests.

I am learning to let go and let kids make those choices, just as I expect people to let me make my own choices in life, even as I make clear to them that I expect more out of them, whether they or others expect more out of them or not.

But I also expect more out of a world that does not give much of a shit for these kids or many kids or adults who do not fit their selective or exclusive molds in the world. I guess the reason why it's important for me to be an advocate for such kids and adults, I think, is because I could much more easily then they move on to a future that is unencumbered by such low expectations from myself or from others. And most people who have such low expectations for themselves have them because the world has really kicked them in the gut, at some point, when they failed on the way to their dreams and goals. And yet that world is perpetually full of people with boots pretending like it must be something else that has got people down.

I tell my kids and all adults, "Fuck 'em. Let 'em kick you in the gut. Offer them your chin, too. And go fuckin' be what you want to be and don't get discouraged because the road is tough to doing anything important."

In the meantime, it would make a lot of sense to make that road less tough for all of us. And it would be easier for all of us to admit that if we weren't so afraid of admitting how much it hurts. And how much our callousness hurts us much more than it hurts others.

Of the many bad habits that animate our world, the idea that some people can or should be thrown away, cast aside, or left behind is perhaps the most pernicious. And the most common, sadly. Noone wants to be left behind. But everyone generally has someone that they want left outside the promised land. It makes for an unnecessarily rough and tumble existence. It makes for a lot of needless hurt and tragedy.

But it is not bad habit that is limited to any one group or one individual or one official or one person with power or influence. This bad habit of thought - that someone has got to be put down or excluded or pitied for the rest of us to be happy - animates the lives of most people. That's what makes that attitude so common. And common, in this sense, does not qualify as greatness. It's just common. Greatness thinks bigger than this.

The idea that people need to be forced to be good is the most pernicious idea that has ever afflicted humanity. It is responsible for the death, imprisonment, terrorizing, repression or oppression, and the most general and serious ugliness that humanity has encountered in its history, and especially the history of the 20th century, where millions died on this cross and and still it has a hold on the imagination. Imperialism still had a hold on the imaginations of many in the early 20th century, I have to remember. And it took a long time for it to lose its grip.

But eventually all bad ideas lose their grip. Because better ideas come along. And the problems of earlier and lesser ideas become clearer despite apologies on their behalf.

That's what the kids and I have been studying this week. How intellect shapes human history and human cultural evolution, as much as biological evolution, as worse ideas are replaced by better ideas, and notions that were once complicated become commonplace and better notions for an infinitely complex reality help us understand that reality more clearly.

I just hope that the kids and the world that does not welcome them with open arms are willing to give a decent chance to the idea that such serious and complicated thinking is important for everyone.

Because these kids are likely to be cruel to a world that is cruel to them. And the world is likely to be cruel to these kids, absent better understanding. And so life has gone since the beginning of time. And so is our opportunity to end that cycle.

Love,
Ben

Why people don't take the risks

I got some insight, recently, into why people often don't take the risks that would be involved with achieving goals and dreams that they might have for themselves, including going back to school or taking school seriously, again, as a route to success.

A lot of people feel discouraged, I think, by past failures and lack confidence in their ability to get back into the game. I see it in myself, all the time, in areas of my life where I am not as strong as I need to be to accomplish goals I care about. A lot of people stop caring for whatever reasons. Or they lack ambition altogether. But a lot of people just get scared, not knowing if they can follow through what needs to get accomplished to achieve their goals.

One of the things that I love about the original theater group I belong to, here in Lawrence, EMU Theater, is that it is so inclusive, meaning that it is an opportunity for people who may not be as strong in various theater roles to try on various hats in the theater world without feeling like they are going to be pilloried if they are not the greatest actor or writer or director or technical designer. Like school, it gives people a chance to try on different hats. I would like to see us put out David Mamet or mainstream theater or film quality original theater efforts, which we are not doing, at this point. But, in the meantime, it is nice to have a venue where everyone gets a chance to shine, whether they are the strongest participant in that role or not.

Competitive anything is often great because it allows those who are truly great at various activities to shine and for everyone to enjoy the highest quality performance of whatever possible. But it is also nice to have and create opportunities where everyone can try their hand at excelling at things that they may not otherwise excel at. I have so many areas in my life where I have to work hard at things that come easier with more practice and more ability on their part to others. And it is important, when that is the case, for us to have the ability to screw up and learn from our screw ups in environments that are not always looking to have us pack our bags when we suck.

That is the failure of the often highly competitive environments of 21st century liberal democracies. It is not that people need pity or coercion. What people need is the freedom to learn and to screw up that is not always sending them packing when they don't do it better than everyone else the first time or even the 100th time, as long as they are trying (and even, as in my school, often, when they are not always trying so hard).

And when people don't have the room or the freedom to take the risks, they don't have the opportunities for learning that might otherwise allow them to excel, better, at whatever they are doing.

And when people don't have that space, people stop taking the risks. And when they stop taking the risks, they stop learning and growing in more serious and consequential ways.

That is the greatest tragedy of more repressive policies and more repressive socieities: they hold back the potential of their citizens and societies by scaring them away from the risk-taking and learning and growing that is only possible with more freedom and support.

It's one of the more sadly counterproductive features of adult life more than kid life in America and liberal democracies, where the high stakes and everyone's strong reactions to those stakes often undermines the risk-taking and learning that a more supportive culture would have to offer.

I have work I have to get to, right now. Until later.

Love,
Ben

A more reasoned and constructive vision for Iraq

Ayad Allawi, former interim prime minister for Iraq from 2004 to 2005, demonstrates the power of democracy and democratic elections, in this editorial announcing his six-point-plan for the Iraqi political and security future as an alternative to the leadership of current Prime Minister Nouri al-Malaki, and has one of the most constructive visions for Iraq's political and security quagmire that I've read from an Iraqi leader.

A Plan for Iraq

How refreshing to read an Iraqi leader with ideas rather than sectarian allegiance and conflict as his central focus. And how refreshing to read an Iraqi leader place primary responsibility for the situation in Iraq with Iraqis, while making plans for a reasonable U.S. withdrawal that accounts for real security needs on the ground.

He's right, too, as I think about it. The most important step forward in this godforesaken mess is for Iraqis to take responsibility for this situation, even if they might need U.S. help with security until they are able to reasonably be responsible for that situation themselves. If the venom against an American presence is going to end so that presence can be more constructive for security needs on the ground, Iraqis will need to recognize that it is Iraqis who are responsible for the security mess that plagues their country, right now, and Iraqis who will have to be primarily responsible for cleaning it up. The U.S. has much responsibility to take for how they have contributed to this mess. But the security situation is that Iraqis are killing Iraqis, right now. And if that is to change, Iraqis will have to take responsibility for that problem before it can be constructively resolved by a stronger and more effective Iraqi government, with the help of the American government and American military.

Perhaps the hope for Iraq won't come from American decisions, primarily, after all. Perhaps it will come, primarily, from the choices of Iraqi leaders and the electoral choices of the Iraqi people.

And that, my friend, and not the imposition from above, is the way real democracy works.

Love,
Ben

Progress is learning from our mistakes

I had a student, today, remind me what the essence of progress in history, in a culture, in government, and for individuals and anyone is.

Progress is learning. It is trial and error. It is learning from our mistakes. And if you are like the students that I teach at the alternative special education school in Topeka where I work, progress is learning from sometimes serious and compounded mistakes.

He reminds me why I don't romanticize liberalism, leftism, radicalism, socialism, communism or any of the causes of the left.

So I don't write foolish and dangerous headlines like this one.

Chavez foes rally against reform

The "reform" that leftist Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's opponents are rallying against is a constitutional amendment that would extend and entrench his power in some seriously undemocratic directions, as well as legislation that would consolidate power in the central government over local governments, establish much greater control over Venezuela's Central Bank, and undermine a fundamental value of a liberal democracy, property freedoms.

Progress is not found in an ideology, a party, or on our left or our right.

Progress is learning. And learning is found in greater freedom. And the responsibility that comes with it.

As one of my ninth graders said, today, progress is made when we make mistakes and learn from them.

And the most important mistake we are making that we need to learn from, today, is romanticizing leftist repressive instincts as progress rather than regress. Progress is when we get honest with ourselves about our intentions, our actions, and their consequences and face honestly when our efforts are failing even when we intend otherwise.

Progress is when we make mistakes - like trying to force and pressure our way, generally unsuccessfully, through every problem we face and call it progress, a contradiction in terms, really - and learning to face those mistakes honestly so that we can learn how to make better choices in the future. Holding your ground on an important principle or idea can create progress. Imposing yourself on others when what is needed is for them to internalize a commitment to that idea or principle is not progress and never will or could be.

Progress in our souls is when our consciences catch up with out mistakes. It is not an inevitable march, push, or battle forward. It is when we take responsibility for screwing up, including for marching on the backs of others when we don't get our way.

The Nazis pushed and pressured and forced their way forward and called it progress. The Soviets did the same. And so has almost every despotic regime and terrorist group or destructive gang or gangleader with any serious instinct for power.

But propaganda for progress is not the same thing as the substance of progress.

And the substance of progress was captured by my ninth grade student, today.

Progress is making mistakes and learning from them. Whether that be an individual, a culture, a government, or all of the above.

Progress is learning. It is having the freedom to try new things and to screw up. And it is learning from our mistakes. But progress is only found when we face the mistake honestly so that we can learn the lessons that needs to be learned.

Sometimes ninth graders are just smarter than national leaders. Especially national leaders who are more in love with their power than they are committed to real progress.

Love,
Ben

Torture and power

May God have mercy on the souls of the Administration and the officers and enlisted men and women involved if this allegation of torture is true.

US terror investigation went too far, experts say

The consequence of emotional callousness where power is concerned is that anything can be rationalized in the name of a cause. And that is how power corrupts. This kind of psychological torture, if true, is almost more serious than physical torture that doesn't result in death.

That idea that anyone would rationalize the abuses of power or force by any government or group in the name of any cause is repugnant to me. Because it bears the emotional callousness that treats people like pawns and so predictably devolves into tragedies that cannot be taken back.

I don't even believe in God. But may he have mercy on our souls if this is true and we excuse it.

Love,
Ben

The essence of progress

Most people love and respect the examples of men like Moses, Job, Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, and King. Most people feel sorry for the students at Tiananmen Square or dissidents in Cuba or Iran.

Noone wants to be them and suffer their fates. Very few people would take the risks that these people took.

And that is the essence of the cowardice that animates most peoples' lives.

How do I admire greatness without taking the risks involved with it's example to my life?

Even great politicians, innovators, musicians, artists, and writers will rationalize cowardice in this way.

Genuine greatness is very rare. And very few people are willing to take such risks. And that is why our progress is perpetually marked by tragedy as much as hope fulfilled. Because our cowardice constantly gets the better of us.

Lucky for us, our consciences catch up.

And that, and not some inevitable and forever forward-moving march, is the essence of progress.

The essence of progress is our consciences catching up with our tragedies. And our need and the need of our forerunners to be forgiven for their and our cowardice.

Most people identify with Jesus. But, when push comes to shove, they behave like the mob that killed him, who feel remorse only after he has been crucified.

And that remorse, in our personal lives and in the culture at large, is the essence of progress.

Love,
Ben

Appreciating honesty

If there is one thing that I appreciate about H.L. Mencken's writings most, it is his honesty when others would pretend otherwise.

And the one honest observation about politics and life that I appreciate most from Mencken is that politics and life is one long lie - to ourselves, to one another, to the world - as long as people insist on undermining one another's freedoms. This is why Mencken thought government inherently and unreformably corrupt. Because it was in the business of curbing freedoms, which was the very thing that led to so much of the dishonesty in the world.

I don't think people or government are inherently and unreformably corrupt. But I do think that we will live with a big lie in our lives, in our culture, and in our government as long as we pretend that it is our force and not our freedom that makes for more honest people, cultures, and governments.

Two studies - one on cigarette taxes and one on border security - have come out affirming the ability to force our way through serious issues. And the one interesting commonality among these paternalistic studies is that neither seem to give much concern, at all, to the people whose lives they govern.

Remember, Nazism and Communism, both, also had scientific arguments and studies to buttress their ugly and wrong-headed ideas. Paternalistic and repressive governing efforts of all stripes have learned that trick in the 20th and 21st centuries.

Genuine efforts need genuine freedom for the independent people responsible for those efforts to internalize the lessons and do what needs to be done - whether it be cutting down and ending their smoking habit and non-smokers learning to respect the rights of smokers to make choices with their lives or a culture developing a more understanding immigration policy and immigrants learning to respect the security priorities of a new country that accounts for all of the concerns that people face in both arenas, not just the narrow concerns of those who wish to end either - freely and without resistance. There is no faking this fact. It does not matter how many studies find short-term consequences that researchers prefer from efforts to force their way through issues. The truth is both studies reflect the self-centered priorities of the reformers they seek to buttress. Instead of a genuine concern for smokers, the smoking study focuses on how money can be raised for children's health insurance programs to both cut down on short-term sales of cigarettes and to rationalize their paternalism. And instead of focusing on the enormous difficulties that Mexicans face in their own country making a living and building an economy - where a much more paternalistic governments more seriously limits free trade and free and more equitable economic development and where educational opportunities are limited - researchers focus on how to scare Mexicans who they weren't too terribly concerned with, anyway, from crossing the border.

When most people say that force works - as has been true since the beginning of humanity - what they mean is that it works for them, even if it means sacrificing the needs and interests of others. By this logic, Kim Jong Il's use of force over his country works, because it gets him a big mansion and a luxurious lifestyle, even if it means that his people starve. As long as all he has to do is limit who his use of force is working for to rationalize its use, then he can clearly demonstrate it works. And by that logic, the Chinese government is effective at dealing with citizen dissent when it imprisoned and killed all those people at Tiananmen Square, because they haven't had as many problems with student dissent since (though their one-child policy is sparking more violent reactions these days). Every despot in the world - including Hitler and Stalin - could make such arguments successfully if the only criteria was that force work for someone at the expense of the interests of others.

But those arguments aren't worthy of liberal democracies whose ideals posit that their principles and values work for all people, not just those they favor.

That is always how force has been used. And, apparently, if we do not make a more fundamental change in the way we use force, that is how it will always be used, abused, and then fall apart, as it always must since we can only get away from sacrificing the interests of others for so long before both our consciences and our self-centeredness catches up with us.

The proponents of force are failing to appreciate the fundamental political shift that is occurring in the world away from the most serious wielders of force - the U.S. and even state institutions, generally - as citizens look elsewhere for someone, some body, somewhere they can trust. They will turn to these states and institutions to force themselves upon areas they want forced upon. And then their cynicism and mistrust in those institutions will be reinforced as they find themselves forced upon. That is the long and sad history of liberal democratic peoples' and cultures. And it always finds a way to unravel itself from such nonsensical logic. We are in the middle of one such unraveling. It will take time.

In the meantime, it is nice to read people who were at least honest in the face of that kind of bullshit in their own time, rather than playing politics - which translates: lying for the convenience of maintaining one's power or influence - because being more honest about world was inconvenient to their smaller and more narrow aspirations.

A more regulated life is a more dishonest life, inherently. There is no way around that fact of life, really. And either we will face up to that fact. Or we will be doomed to a more and more repressive direction for our democracies until we do.

One thing is for sure: do no expect the proponents of force to take responsibilities for their failures. They are not likely to. It is not in the nature of those who want power over others to take responsibility for their mistakes, in my experience. It threatens their interests too much. Generally, someone else - a future leader, a future generation, someone other than the person who has wielded or abused the power - will have to take responsibility for the mistake, if it happens at all.

Repressive govenments and cultures are resistant to letting go of their repressive ways, generally, from my observations, for the same reason that citizens are resistant to their repression, even the most well-intentioned, paternalistic repression - because everyone resists efforts to hurt or punish them. There are very few exceptions to this rule of human nature, and certainly not dependable enough to replicate them reliably.

In the meantime, I don't give a shit, anymore. I will have to learn my own lessons and live my own life taking my lumps - helpful or not; and those who give them to me when I made clear that they were not helpful get no credit from me and as much desparagement of your condescending efforts as I can possible muster - and just working to be so much better than everyone else in my fields that it becomes impossible for them to pretend otherwise except as also-rans trying desperately to prove that their failures are someone else's responsibility other than their own. That is a discouraging reality to come to terms with and which undermines my enthusiasm and confidence in tackling the problems I need to tackle in my fields. But it is the reality that I live with, right now, and can only hope that I can improve for future generations. I can only hope I deal with that reality with enough confidence and enthusiasm that my children and future generations won't judge me harshly for falling short of their more ideal expecations of what life in a free world should look like and my part in that creating or obstructing that freedom.

I am tired of the world being one long lie so that none of us have to face up to our bullshit, especially what should be irreversibly abandoned bullshit after the enormous tragedies of the 20th century, that more forceful and repressive measures are responsible for all the good in our lives rather than the well-intentioned but largely failed and often ugly efforts to limit our freedom to improve our lives, forever imperfectly but better with more freedom rather than less.

I am tired of that lie getting the traction that it does, and rationalizing all of the worst uses and abuses of power in the history of humanity, including and especially those that occur today.

Giving up the repression doesn't magically make this an honest world. But it will make us more honest, with ourselves and with one another. And that is a world I wouldn't mind seeing before I die.

Love,
Ben

On life

I've decided two things in the last few days.

One, my favorite quality in people is not intelligence. Intelligent people can be real pricks, often, is the truth. And there is nothing more sad and pathetic than an intelligent person using their smarts to rationalize some cynical notion of the world that either works in their favor or which they are chasing at the expense of others. Smart people can be real shitheads, is the truth. And there is nothing admirable about being smart and being a shithead.

The quality I value most in others is lovingness. I have many, many friends who do not pride themselves as being the smartest cookies, but who are some of the most decent and loving that I know. And I love people with good and decent hearts more than anyone in the world. I have a guy I work with who I think may feel kind of insecure about his smarts who I think is one of the best guys I've ever known in my life. And that's just how I look at the world. I think good people with decent hearts are more rare treasures than anything that intelligence, alone, could ever offer. I'd rather have a decent heart and be surrounded by people with decent hearts than I would be surrounded by people with big brains any day of the week. And I don't give two shits what snotty, shit-headed intellectuals who don't understand that could ever think about that. Because shitheads never know why a good heart matters, because their hearts are so fuckin' teeny-tiny.

Two, I'm a good person for me. It has nothing to do, necessarily, with how to please others or to how I might be viewed. Being a good person feels better. My life feels better. And I'd rather have that peace in my heart than anything that power or money or any of those empty aphrodisiacs might offer. You can have money and power and be a decent heart. But they both frequently corrupt that heart, as well, from my observations. Probably more frequently than not, sadly. I don't choose the life I choose because it will get me something from being good, though I get plenty from being good, as well. I do it for its own sake. Because it's the right thing to do. And because that's how people should live their lives, even if they often choose otherwise.

I miss Brandi like I miss Meg Ryan. I don't miss Meg Ryan when she stars in shitty films that try to highlight her edgier look or mediocre scripts that her agent hopes will hit at the box office. I miss Meg Ryan being vulnerable and adorable and bringing those qualities to the screen with brilliance in movies like When Harry Met Sally and Joe vs. the Volcano. I miss who Meg Ryan was, not who Meg Ryan is. And I'm sad that such a sweet light has let herself get swallowed up in the darkness and glitz of show business.

That's how I miss Brandi. Brandi, today, is not what I really miss. Brandi as she was 6 or 7 or 8 years ago, say, is who I miss. I missed her a lot, in fact, while I studied in Lawrence and she was busy making the world a better place in D.C. I remember when I first watched her take the slide, after she and I broke up. It was sad and disorienting. But I'm sure, by now, it's become second hat to her. I just can't do that in my life. I'd never feel right about myself or my life again, if I did that. And I won't. But watching Brandi do it made me sad. And, today, it seems like the biggest waste of potential of a person that I've encountered perhaps in my life. Brandi was someone really special 6 or 7 or 8 years ago (12 years ago, she was too adorable for words).

And then older cynics take that sweetness that kids like Brandi and I have and they spoil it in the name of their pride that their jadedness is something better or more or more an accurate reflection of reality than it is. Brandi and I are responsible for our own mistakes in this world. But trying to have a decent heart is often an uphill climb in this world. And most older folks just seem all-too-eager to snuff out that sweetness in the name of knowing the real world and protecting innocence, ironically, even as they work so hard to convince young adults to give it up.

Do you know why so many people are so obsessed with innocence, these days, outside of some genuine concern for children, today. They are obsessed with innocence because they haven't known it for a long time and have been too afraid to re-explore it in their lives and invite it back into their lives. Which is sad. Because it's a really sweet experience. And their fear serves as a guard and one long defense against all of the vulnerability that innocence engages the world with.

What most adults and many young people protect themselves against with that guardedness is not their vulnerability. They protect themselves against a fear that such vulnerability is responsible for all of the hurt that they've experienced in the world or that others have experienced. When, in reality, hurt is just hurt. There is no real protection from it. And opening oneself up to it is what makes us stronger and more able to handle the hurt when it comes. That's why liberal democracies offer us so much more hope. Because they make us, in real and material ways - the more reliable security that we so often take for granted, for instance - better able to build the strength and engage the learning that such vulnerability allows us more substantially.

Our defenses are not a reflection of reality. Our jadedness, which is the articulation of those defenses being up and a guardedness that, ironically, is perpetually leaving us more vulnerable to our fears because it doesn't offer us the learning that is involved with being more open and vulnerable, is not a reflection of the reality. It is a reflection of our disappointment with that reality. But disappointment without some kind of constructive response is self-defeating. And that is how so many adults live their lives, sadly.

Well, Brandi may join those leagues. But I will not. Sometimes people really are naive (and sometimes that's such a bad thing). But, often, what looks like naivete to the jaded among us is really just an openness to learning that jadedness does not and cannot offer. The vision of cynics is distorted by their emotional defenses and their anxieties in a world they fear is too dangerous for their hearts and minds to come out open. And that is why young people start running circles around their elders, at some point. Because you can't learn anything while you're perpetually protecting your heart from hurt.

You have to risk the hurt to live fully. You have to risk it for more real love. You have to risk it for stronger relationships with your children and your family members. And you have to risk it to better learn and navigate this world. You just have to risk it. And the alternative is not a live without risk. The alternative is a life without knowing the alternatives at all. And that, really, is the saddest life of all.

Perhaps a little hurt is worth risking to avoid that fate.

Love,
Ben

I'm a big fuckin' liar

I watched this clip, tonight, from When Harry Met Sally. Just to test myself.



I'm a big fuckin' liar. All I can think about in that final scene is Brandi and me.

Give me a little time. I'm working on it.

In the meantime, it's a beautiful love story, you gotta admit. Someday, if you ask, I'll tell you about mine. But, for now, I need a new girlfriend:).

Love,
Ben

Forgiving

Today, I did some difficult heart work. And I feel better, tonight, for it.

I've been working on letting go of Brandi for good this last week. As a girlfriend, as a friend, whatever.

As much as anything, it's a function of Brandi's pretty coldhearted decision to have no communication (the significance, here, really, is that Brandi wasn't just a girlfriend, in my life; she was my best friend for a pretty big hunk of my life - about 5 and 1/2 years - and that's kind of heartless way to handle a close friendships like that, I think).

I finally decided, I didn't care. I was tired of holding out for her to be a decent human being. It's not in her anymore, I decided. I know, I know. I've heard every fuckin' excuse. Married girlfriends don't talk with their unmarried ex-boyfriends. Brandi's gotta protect her marriage. Yada, yada, fucking yada. I don't give a shit for all that weak ass shit. The only ex-lovers that should ever be a problem with are those you still have feelings for. And those feelings you need to deal with and stop being such a self-centered prick, is how I've settled on that issue after dealing with far more than my share of pain from an ex who decided she didn't have the balls to deal with any on her own. I've had to deal with plenty of pain over this whole thing. The least Brandi can do is deal with her feelings for me so we can be friends, I figure. And I have no patience at all of any jealousy by her husband.

In the end, though, Brandi chose the weak way out. And I just don't have any respect for that bullshit. I don't give a shit what excuses I hear on that one. I've dealt with plenty of pain on this one. So I don't want to hear about how it's just too painful or too threatening or too what-fucking-ever. It's weak. And it's Brandi's weakness, more than anything else, that makes her so unattractive to me and just a friend that I wouldn't have minded keeping around.

And now I don't care at all. She can do whatever the fuck she wants to. I'll note her obituary, if I don't die first. But I don't need her friendship, either. She clearly was not much of a friend, really, anyway.

I wouldn't say all that if this whole stupid soap opera wouldn't have been so fuckin' painful for me. As is, Brandi can fuckin' deal. You take the weak route, you get the weak life.

And, so, today, I can listen to the Plain White T's or Sinead O'Connor's beautiful version of You Do Something To Me or even Annie Lennox's Every Time We Say Goodbye or Dar Williams' February, and I'm not taken, immediately, to feelings for longing for a relationship long past or a friendship with someone I never talk to anymore.

I don't even really want that friendship, anymore, is the truth. I've never really experienced a more false friendship in my life, really. Largely because Brandi prided herself on being such a good friend. And then it was all, clearly, an enormous lie. And I just don't have patience for that lie in my life, anymore.

OK. Maybe I'm still a little bitter. I think I'm entitled. Brandi took a bad situation and made it the absolute worst she could make it, other than killing my family and my children. And I just don't have patience for that kind of bullshit. It's weak and lame. And it's just who Brandi is, anymore. And I just don't give two shits, anymore.

I've worked really hard to give it up on my heart, tonight. I'm sure I'll be working on it still for a couple years, at least, given the history, at this point. I wish it could be different. But I just don't give a shit, anymore, and I just want it off my heart so this enormously self-centered woman can finally be a ghost and good-riddance in my life. My life is too short to take this past and fatally fucked-up friendship/relationship more seriously than it deserved, anymore.

Brandi has succeeded in becoming her mother-in-law, an incredibly self-centered-and-monied-for-no-good-goddamned-purpose woman I met while Brandi and I were still dating. I can't imagine a fate more pathetic than growing up to be that woman. But Brandi's kind of dropped her sights for herself in about every way, these days (used to be that I'd find her name all over the place doing something really purposeful and decent; these days, it's much fewer and farther between). I would say that the world is missing out on that older, more purposeful Brandi. But the truth is that she's not been that girl for a very long time.

And no matter how much they may fantasize otherwise, I don't have time, right now, to miss too much the heart of someone who has joined the land of the living dead that characterizes most jaded adults. I figure, you make your bed, you fuckin' lay in it until your filth becomes unbearable.

Yeah, I guess I'm a little bitter, right now. I'll get over it, though. Because I have no interest in living like such people. I feel sorry for people who live their lives like this because they don't have the balls to work through it and let it go. People like Brandi.

I have a lot more forgiveness to go, obviously. But I want a life free of this shit, as much as possible. So Brandi and the rest of the jaded adult world can wallow in their own heartshit without me. I want no part of it.

Love,
Ben

Productive

It's crazy. This is the most productive I've ever been in my life. It's largely getting my head wrapped around how to get much more productive. And the biggest boost is that I don't fulfill commitments or take on responsibilities because I have to, anymore. I do them because I want to. And because I've learned lessons by screwing them up and have a much more substantial faith, today, about doing the right thing and taking on responsibilities as a matter of choice and not as a matter of obligation.

There's so much I've learned and am getting accomplished in the last two weeks. But I'm in a middle of Freedom Writers - which is the cheesiest fuckin' teacher movie ever fuckin' made; but it's a true story and she was a pretty extraordinary teacher - and I'll have to write about it later.

Sleep tight.

Love,
Ben

Venting

I'm gonna vent, right now.

I have felt something akin to hate for everyone who has pressured and bullied me during this period. They can go to hell, as far as I am concerned. They will definitely not get my vote. I am alienated from their ideologies. I could give two shits about their fates or the fates of their efforts, is the truth. And they are damned lucky that this is the worst I feel, right now.

I now understand why the left was so in love with Communism at the beginning of the 20th century: because it was the most left flank on their efforts to pressure for liberal policies. How could anyone live with themselves rationalizing Stalin's monsterousness in the name of ideology and power? The same way that Charles Lindberg rationalizes his celebration of Hitler and too many conservatives celebrate their right flank. Because their thoughtlessness and hate and their mad obsession with power becomes more important than anything decent.

How ugly that we would glamorize those insticts in the 21st century after so many millions of deaths and lives wasted away in the name of that madness in the 20th century. How ugly that we would do it for 100 years with so many barbaric consequences and never take responsibility for it.

There is only one way out. To end it. And to end all of the dark, ugly rationalizations that feed it. That happens when it is more out in the open and all those dark impulses are out in the open with it.

And when we take responsibility for them.

But I do have news for all of those who have convinced themselves and one another that they have rid themselves of them by repressing them: you're lying to yourself and to others and I can see it, no matter how much you try to pretend. And you're life will be a cynical, miserable, fearful mess until you get that shit out in the open and let it go. And all of our lives are made miserable in the process, as well.

And we will forever be a dysfunctional and hypocritical mess as long as lying is enforced so that who we really are gets shoved down below. It darkens the soul to live that way. And that is why people become such cynical fools as they age.

And that is why I have no interest and growing up to be like so many of the cynical fools that call themselves elder. Until they get honest about this fact of life.

Love,
Ben

Deep connection

You know what is the most difficult and persistent issue for me at this point in my life?

That I am a person who is more open-hearted than most, more likely to like people, love them, connect with them, than most.

And that I do not have that deepest connection that any of us find with a significant other, at this point in my life.

It feels empty to have my heart as open as mine is to that experience in my life and to not have that kind of connection materialize in my life.

There is nothing more important to me, at this point in my life.

I've had it. So I miss it.

It is the most clearest missing element in my life. And my heart feels it every day.

Hope springs eternal.

Love,
Ben

The source of our problems

You know what fucks us up? People, I mean.

We are constantly, and have been since the beginning of our god-awful history as social creatures, trying to prove how much more superior we are to one another.

Being better than you were yesterday and today is noble. Trying to be the best at something, as long as your motive is to embody what is best rather than trying to act superior to your neighbor, is noble.

But trying to be or act superior, to believe that you are more worthy as a human being of love or decency or respect or all the rewards that life has to offer, is both ignoble and damned foolish, not to mention wrong.

We try to prove our religion is superior, our education is superior, our politics is superior, our character is superior (a particularly ironic and galling one, by my lights).

But what we are really doing is trying to prove that we are superior. Or rather I am over you.

And that is the source of about 99% of the problems that people face. That and too many people living up to their feelings of inferiority as much as superiority. And all of our efforts to sort out who is superior and who is inferior in life.

It all drives me crazy. Because it's all done in the name of being good or doing good. And yet it is responsible for so much disillusionment and destruction and self-destruction in peoples' lives.

And the great irony, of course, is that it's bullshit. There is no superior religion. In fact the effort to prove otherwise is responsible for much of the most serious brutality in the world. There is no superior politics. And the arrogance that a superior political world-view exists is the single most important impediment to a more thoughtful, engaged, honest politics and policy and cultural and life discussion. Education is a great thing, but I know people of mediocre abilities with great pedigrees (the current President would fit this category) and extraordinary people with less than glamorous pedigrees (Mark Twain left school at 12 to earn money for his family and never looked back). I do believe that character is destiny. But anyone of any real character hardly wants to monopolize that destiny. People of real character want to share it. The contrary notion is the easiest tip-off that someone is faking it to themselves as much as to others.

And that is the most important thing that fucks up humanity. Our propensity to try to prove to ourselves and one another how superior we are to one another. And our propensity to reap destruction in the lives of one another to make our case.

And the irony of the current political moment - with its background obsession with proving how superior we all are - is that we are seriously failing this test by any objective measure. Who would look at Americans or the West or liberal democracies or any culture, right now, and say, "Now they clearly are the superior culture." We do better the more liberal our democracies, I think, meaning how much freedom we afford one another. But we're far from living up to our highest values and purposes, especially our liberal democratic values that put primacy on conscience and thoughtful reflection and engagement over power or the use of force to coerce conscience or thought.

And that is the source of our problems. We spend so much time trying to prove how superior our outlook is, that we persistently fail to engage and question our own thinking and the thinking of others with better faith and a more open mind and more open heart. And it is from here that our best thinking and ideas and values flow.

But we have tried to substitute our assertions of superior religion or politics or ethnicity or education or whatever for better thinking and ideas and values, and we reap all this destruction on the lives of others and, sadly, make more shallow our own lives.

We're kind of dicks, really, much of the time. Self-righteous, mean-spirited dicks. Forgivable. But still dicks.

And forgivable. I mean, what's the point if we're not forgivable? Kind of makes for a pretty bleak life if there's no hope of facing up to our flaws and forgiving ourselves and being forgiven. I know some people have come up with all kinds of complicated formulas for calculating such forgiveness. But it's all really just another excuse for what dicks we are and why we resist forgiving as much as any other virtue.

But when it comes home is when we face the challenge that folks like Jesus of Nazareth offered us. When we start plucking the beams from our own eyes, rather than plucking the splinters from our neighbors' eyes. When we need forgiveness is when our need to forgive hits closer to home.

You gotta hope we get better at this, right? And we do get better, by any objective measure. It's just that there's plenty of failure in the meantime.

We shall overcome. But only after a lot of hobbling and tripping up that we will try to play off as what we meant to do all along.

This is what I've been afraid of all this time. This was the most pronounced insecurity that I had when Brandi and I were together. That I was inferior. Because I didn't come from pedigreed or monied or superior roots. That all my learning and making mistakes was a sign of just how inferior I was rather than just how human I am.

And that is the source of all of our problems. Our constant and fruitless efforts to prove just how superior we are. Or how inferior we're not.

It's all for naught. And it reaps so much destruction and self-destruction in the meantime.

That's why more liberal values - meaning how much freedom we offer ourselves and one another - serve us better. Because they recognize that the values that serve us best are also the values that most realistically guide our behavior. Conscience, reflection, engagement, and choosing freely. These are not just positive values, these are the the way we choose our thoughts and ideas and values and choices, as an empirical matter, whether we embrace that fact of life as a positive value or not.

And the diversity of those thoughts and ideas and values and choices means for a culture that is better served by a greater appreciation for the various routes that people take to better thoughts and ideas and values and choices than a culture obsessed with enforcing what one person or group deems to be superior thoughts and ideas and values and choices on others.

The alternative is nonsensical, really, once you grasp the empirical fact that people always do and always will make choices in their lives amongst ideas and values and actions and based upon forever limited experiences with each of these that reinforce better choices and ideas and values, over time.

And screwing up that fact is life - meaning getting impatient with our capacity and willingness to learn those lessons about better choices and ideas and values, over time, and feeling superior out of our insecurities about our flaws and shortcomings, in the meantime - is the single biggest source of problems that people face with one another. Me too. Hence my alter-ego in Mencken. In fact, facing up to the emotional defense that is my sense of intellectual superiority and my alter-ego in Mencken has been one of the most liberating experiences of my young adulthood. It's allowed me to just be me - with my friends, with my family, with my colleagues - and not be this caricature of me of that emotional defense that is embodied in any sense of superiority that we might harbor. As a friend at a party recently said, I think everyone harbors this quiet sense of superiority, at some level, as an emotional defense against the assertions of superiority of others.

And each of us letting it go might begin to get at the heart of what divides and polarizes people of all backgrounds from one another.

Love,
Ben

A little honesty

A conversation with a friend of mine, this last weekend, helped convince me of something.

The world often works out the way it is supposed to. Most of my problems are of my own making.

I and everyone around me has just needed a word that I and they could count on.

I think I finally understand what that means - my word. It means that when I say something, it happens.

I've been holding out for a seemless, sustainable, unforced version of that commitment. Because it is the only one that would have any chance of me being able to maintain it in my life. I think I may be there, I hope. But I still have a track record to establish. And I'm responsible for all of the mistrust in my word in the meantime.

I wish I could have made it a reality in my life quicker. But I've had a lot of learning to do to make that possible. And I regret every serious relationship I hurt or lost or fell through on or flaked out on in the meantime. But the learning had to take place for me to internalize the lessons. I don't care, anymore, how harsh the world is about that. It doesn't do any goddamn good. And the more harshly the world treats me, the less I trust it, is the truth. That's true of everyone, if we were honest about it. Hence all the cynicism. Which only wills out as long as we can imagine no other alternative. Hence the choices I've made and the learning I've done with my life.

I've got to get to bed. I've got a long day tomorrow and long days for the rest of the year. I've got kids to be a better example for.

Love,
Ben

Double-speak, 21st-century-style

What the fuck?

Gordon Brown has "imposed a voluntary ban on exports of livestock and livestock products" in reaction to a foot-and-mouth scare in Britain and a ban by importing countries of British animal products

Brown: Quick action on foot-and-mouth

A "voluntary ban"?

George Orwell would have a fuckin' field day with this political era. H.L. Mencken would laugh. Lord Acton would cry.

And, meanwhile, I gotta sit and pretend like this shit makes sense or is logically consistent?

Oh, that's right. I have to. It's the law.

The more this bullshit persists, the more it makes a mockery of the law. A consistent governing philosophy would avoid that. I've got one. Does Gordon Brown? Does anyone else, these days?

If you care about the law and governance, you don't abuse it like this. Unless your short-term will to power is more important to you than your commitment to more a more honest culture and more honest governance, as a consequence.

"Why didn't I go into insurance or banking?" George Orwell has got to asking himself, these days.

It's a good question, George. Noone gives a shit about recrimination or bullshit overwhelming a more deeply honest discussion of life and governance, anyway. It gets in the way of their political ambitions or their wallets or their bitterness. Might as well sell coverage for when the world goes to shit from all this fuckin' double-think.

How long we gonna pretend that forcing and pressuring our way through issues is working, we have to ask ourselves? I have no confidence that Hamas or Hezbollah or Al-Queda will ask themselves that question. Liberal democratic peoples and cultures and governments I should be able to expect better from.

It's the only direction for any substantial hope, besides. And it is most certainly the only honest way forward. And despite all of our bumbling, liberal democratic peoples generally fumble forward. And that is why I know that this ugliness that has substituted itself for engaged democratic thought and discussion must end, at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Because the hallmark of liberal democracies is not that we make the right choices, all the time. It's that we face our mistakes more honestly, generally after the fact, and correct our course.

Mark Twain would probably laugh, and want to cry, and think, "As can be expected." And, as he did when our more vicious, partisan impulses got the best of us during our Civil War, he would ease us into a more decent direction.

We are goddamn fools. The human race. Absent finding separate bedrooms, maybe we can learn to love one another, again, and say we're sorry, as all good relationships have to do if they want they want to last. Makes me miss all that making up with Brandi.

And, maybe, in the future, we can learn to stop fighting so goddamn much. And to listen more than we talk and think deeply and carefully more than we react and take up arms against one another.

All good relationships get killed more by the fighting than by what we fight about. Losing the forest for the trees and forgetting that we fight because we love one another, not because we're irreconcilable.

At what point in a person's heart does love get replaced by a passion more akin to hate?

At the point at which we forget that we have a choice. To love people often despite themselves rather than constantly fighting for our own perspectives and ways and self-centered desires to will out.

I had to lose the best friend I've ever had to learn that lesson. Perhaps we'll all have to lose a lot more before finally learn it. I hope not. Because if you've never lost a best friend like I had, I wouldn't wish it on you.

Maybe we can do little better than that.

Love,
Ben

Signs of new hope

Michael O'Hanlon and Kenneth Pollack, both scholars from the liberal Brookings Institution and both serious critics of the Bush Administration's handling of the Iraq war, think we may just might win this thing.

A War We Just Might Win

This is a good sign that the tide seems to be slowly turning in favor of sticking with this thing with some integrity rather than calling for a withdrawal that ignores needs on the ground.

This is the hope that America needs to do right in this war. If this keeps up, I might have reason to be proud of my country and it commitment to put doing good above pointing fingers and other petty concerns once again.

Love,
Ben

What people with more experience and realism say about diplomacy in the Middle East

Jon B. Alterman of the Center for Strategic and Internationl Studies, back from a trip visiting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, has advice for the Bush Administration in dealing with the Asad regime that might interest Barak Obama and his critics, as well.

How to Manage Asad

Jon's recommendation: engage Syria diplomatically to work along shared interests.

Jon's assessment of the current policy of isolating the Assad regime demonstrates pretty underwhelming results from this strategy. The Syrian leadership appears to be hunkering down, ignoring U.S. pressure, and looking to wait out the President until a new American head of state takes up residence in 2009.

What is interesting to me in Jon's recommendation vis a vis Barak Obama's wise equivalent recommendation of diplomatic engagement with various rogue regimes is that Jonathan, of all the people who I've seen engaged in that discussion - Hillary Clinton, Charles Krauthammer, George Will (who originally raised it), and, most recently, the Economist, all of whom have condescendingly and wrongheadedly, I belive, referred to Barack's suggestion as a sign of his inexperience and naivete - Jon Alterman clearly has the most serious and direct experience and realistic outlook on the Syrian situation, at least, of all of those players.

And his suggestion: engage diplomatically.

Perhaps Hillary, Charles, George, and the Economist editors just don't understand, well enough, the underlying issues around diplomacy and force in dealing with such regimes. God knows that each of them would be loathe to admit such a thing. But Hillary Clinton, in particular, has little more experience than Mr. Obama and, for all the reasons that Alterman articulates here, it seems to me that Barak, experience or not, just seems to understand better our diplomatic challenges and opportunities than does Ms. Clinton. That and she was playing politics. Which is unfortunate when the better policy will need to be adopted whomever is elected in November of 2008, if it gets shelved for a less engaged policy for the sake of validating Ms. Clinton's politics. And if Hillary, Charles, George, and the Economist has better policy in mind, they might articulate it because other than orchestrating summits and sending ahead envoys - something of a laughably obvious suggestion, frankly, and not something that requires sage wisdom, really - I haven't seen anything that beats Alterman's description here of the need for bilateral diplomacy.

The truth is that Obama is right. And a President Obama looks like a sensible alternative to the failures of pressure politics in the status quo. It's not the first time that Barack has run into the authors' of failed policies not wanting to admit their failures. And if he can give a commitment that he will not pull American troops out of Iraq until the Iraqi government gives the ok, then hopefully President Obama (given no significant changes in the leadership of the current contenders in the race) will have plenty of time to demonstrate what diplomacy can accomplish.

Fuck 'em, Barack. You're thinking is right. Largely because you are not burdened with defending the failed policies that these folks helped articulate. Let them be responsible for their failures. You be responsible for adjusting course for American international policy in a more humble and effectively engaged direction.

If Barack can't find it in himself to say we stay until the Iraqis give us the ok, I'm voting for Rudy Guliani or Fred Thompson or John McCain or even Mitt Romney or any of the Republicans who commit to staying. But if Barack says he'll stay, he'll be the best choice, as much as the most formidable candidate, amongst the current crop.

The Inquisitional Age

Jim Hoagland offers the best commentary on the sins and scandals of sports and democratic life that I have read to date.

The Summer of Skepticism

No decent person is proud of bad behavior, including those who engage in it with time and reflection.

But this "Inquisitional Age" is hardly progress, as Jim argues convincingly.

It is destructive and cynical. And it does not build anything better.

Talking about Barry Bonds' or Mark McGwire's steroid use is fair game. They cheated the game and they are responsible for that. In the larger world of drug use and abuse, McGwire's loyalty to friends and teammates is also something that I respect. I have many friends who use drugs or have used drugs and I have smoked pot and made serious mistakes in my own lifetime. And there is no way in hell you would get me to rat on my friends, no matter what indictment or punishment you put in front of me. And I admire the hell out of Mark McGwire for doing the same when he was in front of Congress.

Having said that, steroids are clearly bad for the game and doping and the NBC referee gambling scandal and all sorts of sins are bad for professional sports and not something that we want to see for another generation of professional athletics.

What is not ok is hounding these guys into perpetuity or playing holier-than-thou. Neither of these instincts are noble. And the idea that an aggressive move in that direction is progress would be ridiculous, really, if it weren't so sad, all at once.

The greatest tragedy of the early 21st century is that we have acted as if behaving in socially, legally, or politically repressive, pressuring, and mean-spirited, self-righteous ways is some kind of progress. What kind of progress I have no clue. I don't feel a part of that progress. And I imagine many Americans would feel left out of that idea of progress, since it's whole point is to out those who commit public sins (and private sins, when it suits our pleasure).

All I know is that this is never an America that I could ever be inspired by or impressed with its virtue or values. Because as Jesus of Nazareth argued convincingly and with much risk to his freedom and life 2000 years ago, ripping away at the vices of others is no virtue and leaves the transgression of pride and other sins, likely, untouched in the hearts of the inquisitor.

This period may be many things. But noble is not one of them. It is sanctimony wrapped in more high minded clothing. That was the kind of sanctimony that more genuinely religious men like Jesus of Nazareth or the Buddha taught us to avoid and that has characterized almost literally every more illiberal, repressive period in our history.

The Puritans thought they were doing God's will or establishing order or whatever excuse we give for this pious instinct. So did the Prohibitionists. So did Joseph McCarthy.

They weren't. But they thought they were. And they left a lot of peoples' lives in the wake of that belief.

And, as Jim points out, this zeitgeist that has taken hold leads nowhere, builds nothing, accomplishes less than it destroys.

Perhaps we are fine with that. But it doesn't leave much room for getting better. And it offers plenty of room for all of the worst and most illiberal instincts in the world to be given alibi that they don't deserve and which constitutes the ugliest and most destructive instincts that humanity has to offer.

And the whole of progress cannot do otherwise than to work in a more compassionate, constructive direction. Because to argue otherwise is to try to reverse more than 2000 years of lifting repression as the most important idea, value, and outcome of progress.

I'm proud of that history. And we have better choices to make if we are going to work consistently in its spirit.

Love,
Ben

Why, in the final analysis, I'm more Mark Twain than H.L. Mencken

In case you haven't noticed, I'm a big fan of two American authors, in particular, Mark Twain and H.L. Mencken. Perhaps better than any other American authors, Twain and Mencken capture the quintessential essence of what it means to be average folk in America and the world, for their time and for all time.

Twain and Mencken are two very similar characters and thinkers from overlapping but different eras. Twain believes in people, despite their flaws. He is more liberal, in the theological sense that I associate with being liberal. Meaning, he believes that, despite all their pettiness and cowardice and ignorance, that people are essentially decent, or at least sympathetic. Mencken is a bit more pessimistic. He is more conservative, in the theological sense that I associate with being conservative. Meaning, he believes that average people, though comic and compelling, are generally shitty. Some people may rise above the shittiness. But most people are kind of foolish and conspiring against their betters. Both seem to appreciate humanity, well enough, though Mencken appreciates them like one might appreciate a dog that keeps sparring with and getting sprayed by neighborhood skunks. Amusing, if stupid.

What I love about both Twain and Mencken is that despite both of their appreciation for the underside of human nature, both have a confidence in peoples' capacity to get things right much better on their own than when lorded over by their neighbor, and, in the case of Mencken, at least the most intelligent and talented will have a shot at it even if the great majority of folks fumble kind of stupidly through life.

Mencken is amused by the pride and foolishness of average people. Twain loves them despite their bumbling and makes a place for them in his heart.

And that is probably why Twain is better known than Mencken, and why people love him better. Because Twain loved them first.

I will not and cannot associate myself with any political party or ideology, primarily, anymore. I appreciate Twain and Mencken largely because they share the quality that I am most proud of in myself: their independence. Twain and Mencken were free-thinkers and equal opportunity lampooners of a world perpetually mad with its baser instincts being called something better than they are. And both embraced such instincts as a part of a more noble calling of loving ourselves despite our worst tendencies rather than pretending that they don't inform our relationship with the world around us.

I have been perpetually angry and frustrated with our stupid and foolish instincts creating all sorts of unnecessary tragedy in the world (the source of Mencken's frustration and disgust, as well). But I realize, today, why I am much more like my original hero, Mark Twain, than my more recent hero, H.L. Mencken.

What has driven this ugly, foolish, and all-too-tragic repressive turn for humanity here at the beginning of the 21st century - the dawn of a new century that follows an old century that was most characterized by an effort to rid the world of governments and forces hostile to liberal democratic values and trying, still, at this late date in civilization's history, to impose ideologies and govern out of a philosophy centered around force and power as ends in themselves - is fear.

It is what has always driven repression. It is what will always drive repression, as it perpetually rears its ugly head and as we perpetually cheer it on. That is not a nihilistic, cynical, or defeatist interpretation of the world. We do make progress, in this regard. This is the central measure for our progress, in fact, in terms of our values and ideas as much as the outcomes they produce. But we also experience regress. Repressive directions in our policies and cultural attitudes are the central feature of regression, a fact that is quite obvious when we read about repressive activities in our history, where the actors and the actions are long past, but which we perpetually lose track amidst the zeitgeist.

And the most serious drive for our repression and our cheering it on is always our fear.

Mencken would describe it as our basest, most hateful, most feebleminded tendencies and citizens forever impinging on the freedoms of their betters. And there is much truth to that, sadly. And I must say that this is how I have felt for much of this period, as I have been trampled on too many times in the name of various pressures, fears, and aggression for the sake of whichever cause tickles a fancy and that has gone untamed during this period.

I can now see why Bobby Kennedy, a politician like any other, would go so deep when responding to the repressive and violent trends and directions in his own time when government repression sparked citizen retaliation and massive and inexplicable violence. Violence that would take the lives of his brother, Jack Kennedy and Mississippi civil rights leader, Medgar Evers in the same year; a lesser political figure, but no less a tragedy, Malcolm X; Dr. Martin Luther King, whose death Bobby Kennedy was responding to in his famous impromptu eulogy and his Mindless Menace of Violence speech the day following, two of the most beautiful, sincere, and thoughtful speeches I have ever heard a politician give in all of the time that I have studied politics; and then Bobby, himself, to complete the incomprehensible nature of the tragedy of the violence in that period.

And yet, once the tragedies have past, and reflection and thought replace the pain and the fear that is its source - as Bobby paraphrases Aeschylus, "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own great despair, against our will, comes wisdom, by the awful grace of God." - it becomes clearer to me that the aggression and tragedy and fear, and the aggression and tragedy and fear, and the aggression and tragedy and fear that it provokes are not just the ugliness of human nature in the face of aggression, tragedy, and fear coming forth.

In the final analysis, people are also just afraid. They can be bad. But they are not so, as a general rule They can be quite foolish. But they can and will respond to leadership and a human touch that appreciates them despite their foibles even as it, humbly and with much humor, expects better of them.

And that is what Mark Twain offered the country in his own time. It was a time of war. It was a time of much violence and harsh treatment, particularly of slaves and African Americans, whom Twain identified with solidly, even as he identified, as well, with the more foolish and base racism that characterized his youth and far too many of the white Americans that Twain gently, compassionately, and with a profound wit eased Americans past.

Mencken was at times contemptuous, but more amused, and, most valuable to those who were wise enough to listen, honest, about the foolish and ugly directions that human nature can turn. He was a man bitterly saddened by the tragedies of man's perpetual and ill-conceived brutalities against his fellow man. And someone who had to laugh at such futile stupidity to maintain a bit of sanity.

Mark Twain saw the same tragedies. But more than Mencken, he loved humanity despite itself. He was more comfortable with those who lacked his wit and intelligence and insightfulness about humanity than Mencken, because he genuinely liked them, despite all their foibles and the unnecessary hardships they suffer upon one another.

It is clearer to me that though so much brutality, violence, repression, ugliness and fear have characterized this tragic opening to the 21st century, that all of it, in the final analysis, is also just people being afraid. Fear produces inexplicable tragedy, too often. But it is also, in the end, a forgivable fact of life for human beings with limitations that cannot simply be wished away to satisfy our sense of anger and tragedy.

I have said, often, during this period, that I understand better, now, how the Nazis were able to manipulate the German people. But also why the Germans were responsible for the deaths of Jews much more than I learned as a younger student, given the courage and sacrafice of their countrymen and others who took enormous risks to save Jews and not merely cave to the popular cowardice that had both animated and made difficult to escape the Nazi rise to power.

But, I understand better, today, why the Allies and historians chose forgiveness in the face of that fact of the war, the Holocaust, and human nature, rather than collective recrimination. It is not only the political reality of the impossibility of holding millions of Germans responsible for the deaths of Jews or Nazi aggression or atrocities, though average Germans clearly played important roles in all of these tragedies.

What makes such cowardice and ugliness worthy of our forgiveness is that it is also all too human.

Most people, given limited capacities at any particular personal and historical moment, often behave irrationally and aggressively in the face of fear and and aggression and pain and tragedy. Me too. I just try to get better at it, over time. Like anyone else.

Those who pursue power and the tools of repression to perpetually rationalize and give artificial weight to their fears impose one of the biggest lies on humanity that it has ever witnessed: that they protect humanity from the same reactions to their repressive efforts that their repression, generally, creates or accelerates. I watch it as a regular feature of this period, in awe of its unfailing certainty in its own capacity to stamp out problems that neither it nor its predecessors have ever been able to stamp out by force - ever, in the history of humanity - and a failure to recognize the limits of what can be achieved with force in the face of even the most serious and tragic problems, like terrorism and despotism and genocide and all of the worst crimes against humanity that we have ever faced, even as force is sometimes needed in as limited a capacity as possible, especially when people face violent or oppressive ends.

What I love about Twain, that I only get a glimpse of in Mencken, is that he loves humanity, genuinely, despite its stupidity and the calamities we impose on one another in the name of whichever self-righteous or panic-inspired cause that it has taken up.

Twain sees the pettiness, narrowness, ignorance, and foolish fears of his fellow man and decides that he can't do any worse, he supposes, though he's sure that, perhaps, they could do a fair bit better for themselves and toward one another.

And in the last consideration, Twain is right, I think, that it is probably best to see humanity for all of its foolish and destructive fears and aggression and pain and tragedy and just love it and forgive it anyway, warts and all.

Fear drives the worst forms of ugliness in humanity that the world has ever seen. It kills, it maims, it imprisons, it oppresses. It robs people of their lives and freedom and dignity.

But, in the end, it is also just people being afraid. People laying in their beds, at night, perhaps with a spouse or a lover or just holding tight to their pillow, and hoping that tomorrow offers more hope and peace than today. People advocating and cheering and rallying for the very policies and attitudes that are sure to make them less safe and make the realities of their lives such that they give themselves more reason for fear.

But, in the end, they are also just afraid. Scared little bitches, as I've said in my younger years. Easily and foolishly frightened and pained souls.

And I love them, anyway. Even with their cruelties. And ugliness. And fears. And the unspeakable tragedies that they impose on one another. I love them, anyway. Because they need it. Because sometimes, as my experience at Eisenhower Middle School taught me, grace is not something we receive or give because we or others have earned it, but because all of us need it. Those who are least likely or willing to give it most of all.

And, in the final analysis, those who need forgiveness and love are all of us. We have seen the enemy, and he is us. But we are also family and friends and loved ones who can summon the heart and imagination and thought to transcend this time of fear and so much unnecessary tragedy. And find love and reason and safety where timidity or terror has occupied our hearts.

I've said many times that what I am most grateful for in this period of my life, personally, is that I took seriously the idea of giving up a life run by fear and to take up the freedom and independence that offers a happier, more purposeful, fulfilled, thoughtful, and decent life. It hasn't been easy, that is for sure.

But it has been worth it.

And that is what Twain and Mencken both offer us. Examples of courage and confidence in our abilities to transcend our fearful and foolish lives. Twain with much love and appreciation and good humor for our cowardice. Mencken with much contempt for the pride and foolishness and pettiness and ugliness of the same. Both did it with very little education relative to their comparably brilliant contemporaries. Twain only attended school until the age of 12 and received the bulk of his education in the newspaper trade. Mencken finished high school at the top of his class and never turned back.

And both of their examples give lie to the idea that our circumstances or our experiences or our levels of education or whatever invented insecurities we might have for not throwing off the bowlines and exploring this world, as Twain might say, are more real than they are.

In fact, it is that quotation received at a particularly inspired time in my life that is probably most responsible for my more adventurous turn in life.

The words are too remarkably well chosen not to share for those who are unfamiliar. And for those who are, it is well worth the second look.

As Twain opined:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Where Mencken doubted humanity's capacity to transcend its collective and quite independent ignorance and cruelty, Twain knew that the surest path to a human race that stood a bit taller was one who felt more confident of its own abilities to take the risks that courage is molded from.

And that is why I am more Twain than Mencken, even as I admire each man's insight and aspire for their uncanny ability to choose words and images to share their wisdom.

Because hope cannot triumph over fear by random luck. Sometimes it needs a little direction and confidence to inspire the long and arduous trek.

As Brandi would say, sleep well, little ones.

Tomorrow is a better day. If only we can find the courage to make it so.

Love,
Ben

It turns out, losing everything was probably the best thing that happened to me

I've had a really amazing revelation, today.

For 6 years, now - it will 6 years exactly August 5, I believe; Brandi and I broke up a month before 9/11 - I've been mourning my loss of Brandi in my life and our really sweet romance from the end of my college days to near the end of my grad school experience.

It was a really beautiful time in my life. One of the most beautiful and warm and wonderful times in my life. If you have never been in love, for real, I highly recommend it. It is the bomb, as the kiddies say.

And for 6 years, I've been mourning, Brandi. Because she is likely, still, the most amazing young woman I've met in my life. And because, quite accidentally, I'm sure, some advice she gave to me about some diet choices I was facing, completely changed my life and form the core of personal experiences that have helped me see, better, the role of freedom in our lives and our development.

But, today, after a summer of freedom and reflection and the development of a sustainable, purposeful, and happy commitment to a life of service and independence, it has occurred to me that I couldn't have found the peace and freedom and happiness that I feel today with Brandi or with grad school or anyone, likely, who wouldn't have supported my freedom and my learning.

It turns out, I think, that losing Brandi and leaving school may have been the best things that happened to me. It would have been great to have both and have all this freedom and the sustained and unburdened sense of commitment and responsibility that is has provided. But this was more important, it's completely clear to me, today.

My life is far better for all of this freedom I have had and taken for myself. And no other person or credential or anything could have given me that.

I love Brandi. I miss her. I love my professors, is the truth. And all the grad students I studied with. And I loved my grad school experience, like I loved my undergrad experience.

But the freedom and independence to make a life for myself, to fuck up as much as I needed to and learn and not have people trying to control me in the process, has been more important to me than anything that love or guidance from anyone else could have offered or provided.

I still cry every time I hear Dar Williams' February or Tracy Chapman's The Promise or Hootie and the Blowfish's Let Her Cry or Annie Lennox's Every Time We Say Goodbye off the Red, Hot, and Blue album. Because I loved Brandi more than I had loved anyone in my life, I think. And I still think about the folks at KU, and friends and colleagues who have tried to strong-arm me and who I've not seen in some time.

But more than all those folks, I love myself enough to recognize that I have needed as much freedom as I have afforded myself during this time without Brandi and without my professors and fellow students and without friends or colleagues who have tried to force themselves on me much more.

That's been a great and hard realization to come to, after years of asking that question, "Has this all been worth it?"

A clear yes, is the answer for me, today. And as much as I miss all those people. I'm really glad I took that freedom and independence and my own life and thought and conscience so seriously.

Losing everything, as it turns out, was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Or rather, the freedom that came with losing all that stuff (losing it all without the freedom would have just been been useless tragedy)has probably been the best thing that has happened to me.

I've got stuff I need to box up for my move. And I've got work to do before the school year starts. But I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on a time in my life that has, in a very unexpected way, been a really crazy but great dawn of something new in my life.

In honor of new dawns, I am posting some of the music of the current era that might qualify as great music of the present time (though, I should qualify that the great music I hear these days does not seem to get much radio play and the shit they play on the radio is often senselessly and soullessly commercial and lacking in creativity or substance. The failure of radio to deliver better music is my beef with the current era. But there are certainly artists who are making their go of it).

If anyone has suggestions for this category, the the 90's music/videos - the last great era in music, as far as I'm concerned - or any of the playlists that I post up here, please offer them up. I make no pretenses of omnipotence. So whatever you have to offer would be really interesting and appreciated.

Enjoy:)



Love,
Ben

Sounds good

Obama calls for shift in diplomacy

He's right. What is animating the concern about diplomacy has nothing to do with experience or naivete (neither Ronald Reagan nor John F. Kennedy had much, if any, foreign policy and diplomatic experience before they took office and both effectively used diplomacy to deal with the serious challenges of the Soviet Union).

It's fear.

This guy keeps getting this honest, he might just be our next President.

Now what I need to hear is, "We will stay in Iraq until the Iraqis tell us that they can handle security without our help."

He says that, I'm probably be voting for this guy.

Love,
Ben

Ironic

You know what's ironic?

The core of many of my ideas are based on the advice of a friend of mine that I don't even talk to, anymore.

When Brandi and I were living in Lawrence together, I was trying to give up red meat for health reasons. I was having a hard time of it and I would come home every night and tell Brandi about how I gave into temptation and ate fat-loaded meat.

One day, Brandi said, "Why don't you just let yourself eat it and not feel all guilty about it."

So I did. I just let myself eat whatever I wanted, for awhile. I would eat the nastiest, fattiest meats I could get my hands on. Kentucky Fried Chicken, Long John Silvers, Wendy's, McDonalds. Whatever I could get my hands on.

And she was right. It was the guilt that was hanging me up. And the freedom to choose badly was finally what gave me the genuine, sustainable, long-term ability to choose well. Today, I am a rare breed. I am one of the few of my friends that I know of who began eating vegitarian and who has stuck with it. Largely because of this very good advice that Brandi gave me. Whenever I wanted to cheat, I just let myself. And the consequence has been an enormously healthy diet.

And I have generalized that piece of advice to almost every area of my life where I need to make a change. And it has worked invariably without a miss.

You know what's ironic? The way that we find more genuine control over ourselves and in our lives and with others is by letting go. Brandi and Maslow were right. Freedom makes for the best choices, long term. Because it allows us to make the bad choices we need to make to learn and internalize with experience why the good choices are so good.

That's why freer people are stronger than less free people, long term, and why freer cultures are stronger than less free cultures. Because freedom is where the learning takes place. And it is the learning that makes us more genuinely strong.

And that is the core of my ideas.

I always said Brandi was my best teacher.

In Brandi's honor, I'm playing a song that wasn't of any particular significance to us when we were together, but which seems appropriate, today, from the last great era of music.



Love,
Ben

Fame, wealth, and having it all (we miss you, Kurt)

A really honest reflection on fame, wealth, and having it all by Kurt Cobain on tapes made before his suicide which have been compiled into a soon-to-be-released documentary, About a Son.



It is occurring to me that there are some events in young peoples' lives that may shape their outlook on the world differently than their parents' outlooks. Kurt Cobain's death may have been one such event for my generation.

The last great era of music - the mid-to-late 90's - as far as I am concerned.

We miss you, Kurt. And we miss the music.

Love,
Ben

Evidence that least possible necessary aggression would predict

Foreign Policy reports research that my theorizing with least possible necessary aggression would predict.

The Hidden Pandemic

What is it? Crime. And it is up all over the world.

Why would least possible necessary aggression predict a surge in crime?

Because crime is escalated, I believe, by repressive and more aggressive law enforcement measures. And repression and higher amounts of aggression are the other important variables that are up all over the world, these days.

You doubt that? Keep an eye on that Red Mosque situation in Pakistan.

It's ironic, isn't it?

Aggression and repression are natural responses to aggression and retaliatory measures against us. And aggression and retaliation, as Bobby Kennedy argued in his Mindless Menace of Violence speech immediately after the death of Martin Luther King, are the natural responses to aggression and repression. Sometimes aggression is needed. Often it is ineffective or counterproductive by increasing the overall level of aggression, repression, and retaliation. Until we face that reality more honestly and learn the lesson, that is the fate we have chosen. Let us choose wisely.

Love,
Ben