Sunday, August 14, 2005

Did you know...

...that Albert Einstein had a degree as a high school math teacher when he developed the three papers that revolutionized physics?...

Biography of Albert Einstein...

He received his doctorate at the University of Zurich in 1905 after he submitted the first of those papers to the University...and received his doctorate, as far as I can tell, without formal study at the University:):):)...

Joseph Campbell is another famous and BRILLIANT theorist -- in cultural studies...the most brilliant of the 20th Century, I believe:):):) -- who left his Ph.D. program before he finished:):):)...

He said he had "out-grown" his Ph.D. program:):):):)...

And Roald Dahl, the prolific and brilliant writer of such children's classics as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach, was EXPELLED from his private college preparatory high school, which he wrote about in a brilliant essay, The Expulsion (I believe:):):), that I read while in grad school that helped inspire me to leave grad school to facilitate my own independent work:):):):)...

Still convinced of our own collective omniscience?:):):):):):):)...

So omniscient are we that at least three of our most brilliant thinkers (but I would suspect most if not all brilliant thinkers have had similar feelings while in school:):):):) leave school or are kicked out, only to go on an surpass their teachers in their brilliance?:):):):):):):):):)...

So incredibly arrogant are we all:):):):):):)...

Just thinking about how I'm going to explain not finishing those two Master's degrees and that Ph.D. program to potential employers:):):):):):)...

Because the truth may seem kind of incredible:):):)...

But I just wanted time to work on my ideas:):):):)...

And not have someone hawking over me all the time:):):):):)...

So I could strive for brilliance:):):):):):)...

And not mediocrity:):):):):):):)...

And whether my professors know it or not:):):):):):)...

I believe that I have FAR -- FAR -- OUTSTRIPPED their expectations:):):):):):):):)...

Least Possible Necessary Aggression has applications in almost EVERY field impacted by policy or psychology that I've encountered:):):):)...

Education...international policy...psychology and mental health...criminology...environmental policy...economics and poverty policy...business...organizational theory and psychology:):):)...

Because...at it's base...

It's about people...

About understanding their most fundamental needs...

And facilitating their ability to get them met:):):):)...

So that they can achieve more and better in their professional and other endeavors:):):)...and in their lives:):):):)...

Alright:):):):)...

Back to work with that resume and those applications:):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Saturday, August 13, 2005

The Blower's Daughter...Damien Rice...

Have you ever heard Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter?...

I just cried harder than I think I've ever cried in my life (I'm still crying) listening to that song...

It's the opening song to the movie Closer (a movie for which this song stands out as something really terribly sweet and authentic)...

I was realizing as I was listening to it...that it's been a long time since I've felt that way...

That totally, completely, without reservation or defense in love with a woman...

So in love that you don't even think about it...you just feel it...

It was the summer of 1997...

We made love on her best friend's bed...I peeled rose petals and made a path down to the bedroom of the house that we were housesitting...

And we made love...for the first time...and for her...the first time ever...

And it was the most beautiful night of my life, I think...

And it was the summer of 1998...when I went to go live with her in Washington, D.C...and we spent almost every waking moment together...we worked together...we lived together...we did literally everything together...I don't think we spent one day or night separate that summer...

We worked together at the B'nai B'rith...and we would go picnic together on our lunch break in the park in the middle of town...

She'd bring bagels and yogurt and some fruit maybe...maybe a sandwich for me, since I still ate meat, at the time...

And we just sat in the middle of the park...and I was so in love...and I totally took it all so much for granted...

I can't stop crying...

I don't think that I've ever felt so completely open to the world...

So completely idealistic...

So completely in love...

"I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you"...

We went to this really great presentation by Cornell West, the radical, social democratic, and deeply spiritual black scholar and committed poverty advocate, and the Reverend Eugene Waters, the more liberal/conservative Boston preacher who both led the effort by black ministers to embrace President Bush's Faith Based Initiative and who has helped reinvigorate efforts to seriously improve Boston's inner cities...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

Do you know what is saddest for me...

The part that breaks my heart worse than anything else...

It's not breaking up...that was hard enough...

But that's not it...

It's that I think she's given up...

I think this girl that to me symbolized everything that was/is amazing...beautiful...idealistic...hopeful...noble...

...good...great...

...about the world...

I'm concerned that she's just given up...

That for whatever fucked up reasons...

That she's just turned her back on everything that was great about her...

That was AMAZING about her...

That's she's just slowly...

Given up...

And it makes me so sad...I can't even describe it...

It pains a place inside me that is so deeply offended that the gods have taken away someone who was destined to lead mere mortals out of the dark recesses of their poor, pathetic, cynical souls...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

That's what makes me saddest...

That's what makes me cry so deeply today...

A cry that's reminiscent for me of the cry that my father gave the day that he learned that my mom had left...and that we all shared with him on his bed the night that we learned that she was gone...me, my sister, Liz, and my sister, Jenny...

This deep guttural cry that tells you that there's something seriously wrong in the world today...

That she may have given up...even if just for a time...

Because the world needs her...that's for goddamned sure...

I tell everyone...

You'd just have to know her...

And it's true...

If you met her...

Especially in those summers of 1997 and 1998...

You'd see what I mean...

She was so alive...I was so alive...

So completely full of purpose...

So completely trusting of the world...

And no reason to think otherwise, really...

I miss her...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

I haven't felt the way this guy so clearly feels in this song in a long time...

And it was such a good time...

I remember spending nights browsing the book stores...

Debating whatever ideas or events were on our minds, at the time...

Whatever was going on, at the time...

Whatever we happened upon...

I was falling in love with Brandi and with ideas all at the same time...

For me...

They were the same love...

Because so much of the romance I had/have with ideas came out of my romance with Brandi...

The feeling of being with another human being like they are always the warm place in from the cold, dark night...

The feeling that the world is opening up in front of you...and you witness it through the eyes of someone you think of as an extension of you, so closely do you breathe the same breath...

You think their thoughts are yours, they're so closely entwined...

Have you ever believed in the world so completely?...with no reservation...no danger...no concern for anyone or anything other than this one person that you want to spend every waking moment with...

Have you ever been that in love?...

Damien Rice has...you can tell...

I have, too...

But it's been a long time...

And I miss it something terrible...

I miss you, Brandi...I love you, hon...

Love,
Ben

Epilogue (to the grieving in that post)...

The more I think about it...the more I think that Brandi just got stuck...where I moved forward...and it's just sad...because I don't know if I've seen her stuck like this...we always moved forward together...or at least that's the way it always seemed to me...and now I just think she's stuck...or just exploring at a different pace than me...

Either way...

I miss her...

They preach that I should save the world...they pray that I won't do a better job of it...

I'm listening to one of my favorite artists, right now:):):)...

She's a folk singer named Dar Williams:):):)...

And she writes these BEAUTIFUL songs about life and love and growing up and all kinds of awesome stuff:):)...

February...The Christians and the Pagans...The Babysitter's Here...When I Was a Boy...Are You Out There?...Iowa...I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono...What Do You Hear in These Sounds?...Better Things...As Cool As I Am...End of the Summer...The Ocean...We Learned the Sea...Spring Street:):):)...

Dar has this really beautiful song called Are You Out There?...it's about radical radio ("free speech radio," as Dar refers to it:)...Pacifica is a good example of this kind of radio...Democracy Now, with Amy Goodman, is one of its more popular and critically acclaimed shows:):)...

Democracy Now...with Amy Goodman...at Pacifica...

The song is about being a young, probably high school, liberal...yearning for anything liberal that you might get your hands on:):):)...

I really relate with that feeling:):):)...

I was once a young liberal:):):)...I felt the same way, completely:):):)...

I grew up in Wichita, Kansas:):)...and I was always just waiting and looking for anything that would help me escape what I always felt was the stifling, narrow-mindedness of more conservative Wichita, Kansas:):):)...

And Dar's song captures that feeling BEAUTIFULLY:):):)...

She has this set of stanzas in the song...that go...

"And what's the future, who will choose it?
Politics of love and music
Underdogs who turn the tables
Indie versus major labels
There's so much to see through
Like our parents do more drugs than we do
Oh...

Corporate parents, corporate towns
I know every TV set that has them lit
They preach that I should save the world
They pray that I won't do a better job of it
Pray that I won't do a better job
So tonight I turned your station on just so I'd be understood
Instead another voice said I was just too late
And just no good..."

It's a great little dedication to little liberal teenagers all over the world:):):)...and it's a really great song, I think:):)...

And today...as I was thinking about youthful rebellion...it's less healthy purposes...and it's more healthy purposes...

This song came to mind:):):)...

It came to mind because of those lines...

"They preach that I should save the world
They pray that I won't do a better job of it"

About how true that line is:):):)...

How parents and adults and older folks, generally, have a real interest in younger people choosing better in life...and not just rebelling arbitrarily:):):)...

But they also, too often, tend to assume that all rebellion...all differences with younger people...or people with authority tend to think that all differences with those with less authority...are matters of random and senseless rebellion...

Rather than trying to understand it's purpose...

And understand the truth...

Which is that much of that rebellion...

Even when it's senseless...

Has purpose...

At it's base...it's about matters of conscience...about each of us asserting our right to judge matters independently...regardless of whether we are right or wrong...a very healthy need and assertion that is a prerequisite to the mature development of a independent conscience in a free and democratic world that needs such independence to survive and thrive...and which we, individually, need for our own survival and thriving...in an uncertain and mobile and open and free and democratic society:):):)...and in any society that might allow us to thrive as individuals and as human beings:):):)...

But beyond that...

Rebellion often has substantive purpose...in and of itself...

Rebellion is also often a sign that authority is doing something wrong...and that it needs to account for its failures...and not just continue to rationalize its failures as the rebellion of those that it has authority over:):)...

But so often...

The cycle is...

Young people rebel...

And then...as they age...

They become more and more aware of their random rebellion...and more and more convinced that they've figured out how the order of things should be:):):)...

So young people who rebelled against authority:):):)...

Often become the most friendly with authority and power:):):)...

Once they have it:):):)...

This scenario describes the situation of a good 90% of my friends:):):)...at least:):):)...that's a conservative estimate, I think:):):)...

And that's the tendency that Dar is referring to in her song:):):)...

I've had that tendency:):):)...I may still:):):)...I should think about that one a little bit:):):)...

But the truth is:):):)...

Dar is right:):):):)...

The best impulse in the culture is not the certain assertions of authorities:):):):):):):)...

It is the rebellious impulses of youth:):):)...

Even the random ones:):):) (when they're not randomly and deeply destructive, of course:):):)...

It's the desire to improve...

To innovate:):):)...

To shake things up, as my very close friend Dolly Johnson always says:):):):):)...

I'd take the random rebellion of Smashing Pumpkins (without the overdosing of their keyboardists, of course) over the assertions of authority of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Fidel Castro and Kim Jong Il any day:):):)...

Even if Billy Corgan was mainly venting in his songs, rather than focussing on constructive alternatives:):):):):):):)...

Because it gives me room...and everyone room...to breathe:):):)...to vent similar frustrations:):):)...

And to give the bird to authority figures who get in the way of all of our growth, too often:):):):):):)...

Bullet with Butterfly Wings doesn't say much about making the world better:):):)...that's for sure:):):)...

But what young person under the age of 30, at least...if not under the age of 35 or 40:):):)...

Can listen to those lyrics...

"Despite all my rage...I am still just a rat in a cage":):):):):)...

And not just want to throw up some fuckin' horns:):):)...

And bang their head at a world to unsympathetic for their need for freedom:):):):):):)...

Their freedom of conscience:):):):):)...

Their freedom to create:):):):):)...

Their freedom to be:):):):):):)...

Though...you gotta admit:):):)...

1979 and Tonight, Tonight may not be about saving the world:):):) (as far as I know:):):)...

But they are gorgeous:):):):):)...

God, I miss the Smashing Pumpkins:):):)...

Smashingpumpkins.com

Billy Corgan's new album looks really interesting, I have to say...looks like this guy has really been thinking about life:):):)...

And if you check out the "Confessions" part of this website:):):)...I think you'll find that he literally has really been thinking about life:):):)...definitely recommend checking it out:):):)...

But the point is...

That rebellion that a song like Bullet with Butterfly Wings represents for me:):):)...a young person of the generation of the Smashing Pumpkins:):):):) (I saw the Pumpkins live in Wichita like my senior year of college:):):)...excellent concert:):):)...

That rebellion...is healthy...

Even if it doesn't do a goddamn thing:):):)...

Because it represents the fight of the independent conscience...for the space to exercise it's own freedom...it's own independence...which is necessary for it to function:):):)...

And necessary for all of us to function:):):)...individually:):):)...and with one another:):):)...

"emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me"

Yup:):):)...pretty dark stuff:):):)...and the essence of youthful rebellion:):):)...

And nothing wrong with that at all, really:):):)...

Totally healthy impulse:):):)...

To be young...to rebel...to explore the darkness:):):)...

To do all the things that you're parents tell you not to do:):):)...at least a little:):):)...

A part of being healthy is not always making the best choices...

It's the freedom to make less than ideal choices...to make bad choices...worse choices...

So you tell the difference between good ones...and great ones...and not so great ones:):):)...

And to clean up the messes as we go along:):):)...

MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more healthy than living in the illusion that somehow we can or need to or will be able to do the impossible:):):)...

Which is to somehow not make mistakes:):):):):)...

Which isn't possible:):):)...

No matter how hard we try:):):)...

Because without mistakes:):):)...

There is no growth:):):)...

And growth is is the only way that we survive and thrive in the world:):):)...

And individuals:):):)...and as a species:):):)...

And learning that lesson is one of the most important things we can do...as individuals...as parents and teachers and people of authority, especially:):):)...as a country:):)...as free and democratic citizens:):):)...as human beings:):):)...as a species:):):)...

Making mistakes is a part of being alive:):):)...and learning:):):)...and growing:):):)...

And recogizing mistakes:):):)...is a part of learning and growing and being alive at their best:):):):):)...

And one of the biggest mistakes of the current political moment:):):):)...

Is the idea that we can just make all those mistakes go away:):):)...

If we just assert enough authority:):):)...

It's a silly idea, really:):):)...

Not to mention a fairly arrogant one:):):):):)...

But...it can't go on for long:):):)...

Because it's mistake:):):)...

And we can't thrive as individuals or as a culture making the same mistake over and over again...again and again:):):):):):)...

At some point:):):):)...we've got to recognize the mistake:):):):)...

And let go of our fear of the uncertainty of a world not so attached to authority:):):):):):)...

Which is one of the most important and healthy developments of this generation, I think:):):)...

With the way paved very nicely, really:):):):):):)...by our parents:):):)...and teachers:):):):):):)...and bosses:):):)...and all the folks who used to be young people (and many of which are, now...either or both in spirit or in reality:):):)...not so long ago:):):)...

At 32:):):):)...I'm starting to recognize the benefits of experience:):):)...and maturity:):):)...(and worrying, a little bit:):):)...of not just the inevitability:):):)...but the imminence of death:):):)...

But I know...I know deep in my heart:):):)...

That I now:):):)...and forever:):):)...

Want to identify with that youthful impulse:):):)...

Of rebellion:):):)...

In its healthy:):):):):)...

And not-so-healthy forms:):):):)...(though destructiveness is whole other matter:):):)...which needs loving and open-hearted and compassionate and genuinely respectful criticism:):):)...and...depending on the level of destructiveness to others:):):)...direct intervention:):):)...

I embrace the rebellion:):):):):):)...

And I stand for a world of freedom:):):):)...

Amidst the romanticism of authority that is just now beginning to give way, some, to a more reasonable idea of how autonomous individuals should live with one another:):):)...

I realized yesterday:):):)...as I was thinking about how much I had...quite unfortunately...started to hate my job, lately:):):)...a feeling that is waning, as well, I'm happy to report:):):)...

That...

More than anything else:):):)...

I want freedom:):):)...

I want love:):):)...that's for sure:):):)...

But I want the genuine kind of love:):):):):):)...

The kind that gives me the space to be me:):):):):):)...

And doesn't search, too much, for me to live according to the standards of anyone else:):):)...

Except those ones that make sense to me:):):)...that I think make sense:):):)...and that I internalize, as a consequence:):):)...

I was thinking about how much I very much care for both Tom, my advisor in grad school:):):)...and Brandi:):):):):):)...my girlfriend at the end of undergrad and in grad school:):):)...

But how...more than them, even:):):)...

I care about me:):):):):)...and my need to live life by my conscience:):):)...

And not according to theirs:):):)...or anyone else's, for that matter:):):)...

And...simultaneously:):):)...

Living a life of truer conscience:):):)...

More freely adopted:):):)...more internalized:):):)...more authentically a part of me:):):)...

Than I've ever felt before in my life:):):):):):)...

And all of that is owed to my sense...of rebellion:):):)...of thought:):):):)...of conscience:):):)...of freedom:):):)...

And of my sense of me:):):):):):)...and my autonomy to decide what that means over and above the need of others to decide for me:):):):):):):):)...

I hope we can all do a better job of saving the world:):):)...

Individually:):):):):):)...

And together:):):):):):)...

But...more important than that:):):)...

Is to decide if we want to save the world, or not:):):)...

To make up our own minds about what we want to do with our lives:):):):):):)...

About who we are:):):)...about what we want for our lives:):):):):):)...

A lesson that I need reinforced, I think:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Do you believe in miracles?:):):):):)...

I admit it:):):)...

I was wrong:):):)...

I went to work last night TOTALLY expecting more of the gossipy, responsibility avoiding bullshit of the last 2 or 3 nights:):):)...

And I was wrong:):):)...

I was a little surprised when our department lead (our second in command...a guy I like and respect quite a bit, really:):):)...put me on loading...

The last few nights, I've been on staging...

Staging is the part of loading that involves preparing carts of doors in lanes for lead loaders to take them from the lanes for the guys (or gals, as the case may be:):):)...there is at least one lady lead loader that I know of:):):) to load onto the trucks:):):)...

I was on staging because -- from my perspective -- I was getting blamed for a lot of hyperaggressive bullshit...lots of bossing...and bullying...and pushing too hard...all things that I've spent the entire time I've been on shipping saying needs to begin to end if we want to be most productive...

And the last few nights...when I have been staging...and as at least a couple of leads and loaders have been rationalizing what bossy, bullying, sons-a-bitches they've been being...I have to say that our numbers have been down...

And last night...I was fully prepared to go into work...to go do staging, on my own (hence the rationale for having me stage...I was somehow both the pussy on the crew, because I'm a vegitarian and such a nice guy...and the aggressor in the various conflicts we've had on the crew...a pretty big stretch of a rationalization, really, if you ask me:):):)...

But...for whatever reasons:):):)...maybe because conversation was easier between the guys and I, last night:):):)...

John put me on loading:):):)...

So...there I am...avoiding every conflict that might ever arise with all the effort I could possibly muster:):):)...

But here's the miracle:):):)...

So were the other guys:):):)...

I'm loading with two of the guys that I have most recently come into the closest physical conflict with:):):)...my very close friend, Deway...who I've had physically threatening conflict now 3 or 4 times, during my time at shipping:):):) (though I'm totally serious that Deway is one of my closest friends:):):)...and Zach:):):)...who I think is smart:):):)...and who I like a lot:):):)...but I've never really totally known how Zach felt about me:):):)...

So it's Deway and Zach -- two of the guys with whom I've had conflict which led to me both being removed from loading...and which was leading me to hate this job in a way that I haven't up until this point:):):) -- a new loader, Kevin:):)...and one of my favorite leads (other than the now second shift department lead, Kenny, who's my favorite, really:):):)...Fred:):):)...who's a great guy:):):)...and becoming quite the lead load, as well, as it turns out:):):)...

And the amazing thing:):):)...the miracle:):):)...

Is that Deway...of all people...who's a pretty verbally aggressive dude, really:):):)...though...as I said:):):)...Deway is one of my very good friends:):):)...

Deway...is clearly trying to make sure that he and I don't get in trouble:):):)...

So Deway is playing nice, all night...except with Zach:):):)...who he's giving some way too aggressive shit...which is concerning me...because...remember...I need to avoid conflict at all costs, at this point...so I have a limited ability to intervene by giving him shit...which I do anyway, when I think Zach is just had enough of Deway's shit for the night...which luckily prompts Deway in the right direction...who goes and plays nice with Zach for a while...which puts Zach in a better mood:):):)...

I avoided conflict like crazy, last night:):):)...

I had a conversation with a guy who was arguing that the statistics for lung cancer (after a casual conversation about the unfortunate diagnosis for Dana Reeves, Christopher Reeves' widow, with lung cancer) of 90% of lung cancer patients being non-smokers, and 10% being smokers...after an attempt by me to clarify what I thought were the reverse statistics of 90% of lung cancer victims being smokers, and 10% being non-smokers:):):)...

But I didn't even say anything, here...where I would normally press someone to explain the complete illogic of such an assertion (this guy did seem kind of obstinantly rebellious in his assertion:):):)...

I say nothing...

Because I'm looking to avoid serious conflict at all costs:):):)...

But...the cool thing...

Is that Deway was too...

And Zach was too...

And Fred was cool as usual:):)...

And Kevin was fairly cool all night:):)...

And John, our department lead, was REALLY relaxed...

As was Ben, our supervisor...

Everyone was relaxed, actually...

No bossing around, of me, at least...

And guess what?...

71 tiers...

Our normal quota is around 56...and 71 is a higher number for us:):):)...

It's amazing what you can get done when you reduce the aggression and focus on and cut everyone slack to do their best job:):):)...

And you know what the amazing thing is in this tale of cautious optimism that the last few days may have been the darkness before the dawn...

I don't think that Deway and Zach were chilling out because they were taking responsibility for pushing on me, at all (in fact, Deway still seem to avoid responsibility in a conversation we had:)...

I think they were chilling out...

Because they liked me:):)...

And they didn't want to get in trouble, themselves, for obvious reasons...

And maybe because they didn't want me kicked out of shipping, which was the last threat made against me:):):)...

I don't know if these guys care about me the way I care about them...I never know if anyone cares about me the way I care about them:)...

But I do know that last night we had a really chill night...no serious conflicts...lots of more clearly good-natured humor...and even some love:):):)...

And we put up 71 tiers, last night:):):)...

And I feel pretty good about that:):):)...

And a SERIOUS validation for the principles of least possible necessary aggression:):):)...

Which were clearly in play last night as we put up pretty impressive numbers:):):)...

And is the direction that third shift shipping has been moving in, at least since I've been working there:):):)...

We take 2 steps forward...and then 1 step back...or 3 steps forward...and then 1 step back...or 3 steps forward...and 2 steps back:):):)...

But somehow...we keep fumbling forward:):):)...

And that is the fate of humanity, I think:):):)...

I've been reading this really terrific article by conservative international policy scholar, Samuel Huntington, on democratic reversals...the propensity of the democratic world to go through long periods of expansion...and then periods of reversal (a period that I think we are somewhat in the middle of, right now...though only time will tell on what scale:):):)...

And such is the fate of humanity, I think:):):)...

Abraham Maslow refers in the Farther Reaches of Human Nature to "healthy regressions":):):)...

And maybe this is one of them...

It's just kind of the nature of the learning curve, sometimes, I think:):):)...

To make better choices:):):)...

We often have to make worse ones:):):)...

So we can see the difference:):):)...

And learn from the worse ones:):):)...

To keep making better and better ones:):):)...

That's why I'm a liberal (in a theological sense):):):)...

Because people just make mistakes:):):)...

It's part of their inescapable nature:):):)...

It is the only way, sometimes, that they can tell the difference between a worse choice and a better choice:):):)...

And to learn...gradually...progressively...over time:):):)...

How to make better choices:):):)...

And that can be mistakes of international policy:):):)...

Or even mistakes in a garage door shipping dock:):):)...

But...over time...I am becoming cautiously optimistic:):):)...

We make better choices:):):)...

And we each play a role in that, I'm convinced:):):)...

Do you believe in miracles?:):):)...

I only like to play as an underdog...

It's when I play best:):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

What is so hard about saying, "I'm sorry"...

It's a really strange situation I'm in, at work...

I need a new job REALLY BAD...

I am surrounded by a bunch of young, irresponsible, bullying dumbasses much of the time...

It's not just that they don't think nearly enough...

Much more of the time...it's that they don't ever seem to be able to take responsibility for anything...

I've got two leads I'm working with, right now, who have been OBNOXIOUS...and neither of them can be responsible for it...

And I've now been effectively muzzled to say anything about it...any conflict, at this point, is being blamed on me...so I just don't have them anymore...biding my time for a new job...

And...in the meantime...the last thing I had conflict with someone about -- what an asshole one of our leads was -- stays in place...whether folks want to face that or not...and now there's no effective challenge for them to get better...just more and I'm sure worse of the same...

It's kind of pathetic, really...

It's amazing the difference between an environment where people strive for excellence -- where this is far from the norm, obviously, for anyone who's ever been a part of those organizations --- and an environment where everyone is just trying to hold onto a job...I've resisted that impulse up till now...but noone is sharing the burden of the risks it takes to change these things...

So I resign myself to a pretty fucked-up, dysfunctional situation that I'm just trying to escape, now...and not trying to change, anymore...

And all my co-workers get to live with the consequences of that after I'm gone...

Congratulations to everyone who helped make that happen:):):)...

Dumbasses:):):)...

Denial is an awfully powerful coping mechanism isn't it?...

Just a dysfunctional one, long term...

I've got to try to get some sleep before the brilliance that is garage doors, tonight:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

The morality of rules...

Alan Schwarz at the New York Times does an excellent piece on Baseball and steroids...

Trying to keep records pure could prove to be futile...

His interview of members of the records committee of the Society for American Baseball Research yields this very important bit of wisdom...

"Players have always broken rules, the experts said. Using steroids may also be a violation of federal law, but it was quickly noted that Babe Ruth was not exactly sober for all 637 of the home runs he hit during Prohibition.

'A record's a record," David Vincent said during the meeting. "A number doesn't have any moral value. People do.'

Very nicely put...this "scandal" should be a dead issue, by now...Congress will look to the history books like the group of sissyfoots that those who amended the Constitution to outlaw alcohol rightly do in all of our imaginations post-Prohibition...

Their problem, at the turn of the 21st century, as was the problem of teetotalers around the turn of the 20th century...is lack of perspective...on what issues are really problems...and what attempts to solve problems just complicate and compound a problem, further...

The drug war is a dead solution to an issue that needs our concern...not warfare...

The steroid scandal, from the beginning, has been all about rationalizing the failures and the counterproductiveness of the drug war...and about moralizing, under the guise of rules...

And the jig is up...

Time to move on...to a more constructive and compassionate American future:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Economist Challenge...again...

The Economist runs another excellent commentary on the Iranian nuclear situation that I highly recommend...

No appetite for carrots, no fear of sticks...the Economist...

The opening lines of this article freaked me out, a little, to be honest...

"Iran has carried out its threat to restart its nuclear programme, removing the seals on part of its uranium-conversion plant at Isfahan. European offers of political and economic incentives, designed to dissuade the theocratic Middle Eastern state from building atomic bombs, have not proved enticing enough. Is a more aggressive approach called for?"

Now...

My first thoughts were, "Is the Economist seriously considering an invasion of Iran to tackle a nuclear program?"...

A pretty scary thought, as the Economist already argued well in a previous column that I posted, here, about the dangers of a militaristic diplomacy with Iran and North Korea over nuclear issues...

Thankfully...the Economist makes clearer, later in the article, just what kind of aggressive actions they are talking about...

"In response to the latest crisis, the 35-member board of the IAEA is due to hold an emergency meeting on Tuesday, called by the Europeans once it became clear that the talks were grinding to a halt. This is likely to lead to an entirely different type of diplomatic process: one that sees Iran referred to the UN Security Council, with a view to sanctions being imposed."

Now...

I have no confidence that sanctions will work with Iran...

The Iranians clearly view the development of their nuclear program as a matter of national sovereignty and autonomy...and, even with the dangers that come with an ultraconservative Iranian government hostile to the more modernized and democratic world having nuclear weapons -- which uranium and plutonium development likely signal -- it does seem very unlikely that Iran will respond to international pressure on this matter in this way...

As the next lines of the Economist article observe...

"Nevertheless, the Iranians are putting on an unconcerned face: “Even if they issue a resolution tomorrow, since it would have no legal basis…we won’t accept it and will carry on with our work,” Mr Saeedi told reporters on Monday."

And as the article's title -- No appetite for carrots, no fear of sticks -- sums up nicely...

Several issues, here...

First...the aggressive actions that the Economist, the world's premier conservative periodical -- is exploring should illustrate just how beyond the pale the aggressive approach that American conservatives, like Victor Davis Hanson and others, have openly explored -- invasion of countries like Syria, Iran, and North Korea -- are...

Invasion is not an acceptable way to resolve difficult diplomatic issues, at all...it increases fears among these countries...and leads -- as it already has -- to more ambitious efforts from nations fearful of invasion to protect themselves, as it clearly has, as the Economist argues well in an earlier article, Iran and North Korea...Return of the Axis of Evil...

Iran and North Korea...Return of the Axis of Evil...the Economist...

You'll want to read the article to get the full flavor of their argument...

But the essence of the article was an acknowledgement that the invastion of Iraq had seriously complicated and made counterproductive the efforts to limit or remove the threats of nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea...and a challenge to America's critics to develop alternative proposals...a challenge that I accepted and met, and then some, in the pages of my Blogspot blog...

The Economist Challenge...What to do with Iran and North Korea?...at Building a Better World...Return of the Jedi...http://benfrankln.blogspot.com/...

Now...

Having said that...the Economist is arguing for exploring more aggressive means of dealing with Iran...namely sanctions...as it did in that original article...

I seriously doubt that Iran will respond to such measures, for reasons illustrated, above...rational or not...although...as George Will argued during an earlier period of focus on Iran...when a President has invaded a neighboring country and when his Administration and many of his ideological cohorts have made plain that you might be next...efforts to defend yourself become rational...even if you are one dangerous regime to be waving such weapons of mass destruction around for everyone to see...

But, beyond that...as I argued earlier...the kind of psychology that we are dealing with...

"...insular, paranoid, seriously-controlling and repressive, militaristic, and seriously manipulative leadership in both Tehran and Pyongyang...Iran is democratic and, thus and on its own merits, less dangerous, I think, than the megalomania of Kim Jong Il...and has fewer capabilities to threaten democratic countries than does the North Korean leadership, according to this Economist article..."

So...

The question, again, is what should we do?...

First...as I argued in that earlier post...

"I want us to take a deep breath...exhale...

And remember that we are all on the same team, here...

And we ALL have an interest in a more peaceful, less threatening world...especially from the likes of leftist dictators like Kim Jong Il and Iranian theocrats who control parliament next door to Israel, Iraq, and other places that we need be concerned about...

Which is EXACTLY the point of the Economist editorial, if a bit shrill in its alarm at the situation..."

Second...as I argued, earlier...vis a vis the comparisons between Iran and North Korea (or Iran and Iraq, for that matter)...

"Iran is a very different case, I believe, that should be treated, differently, I believe...the most important difference, being, of course, not only that Europeans were briefly persuasive in getting Iran to hold back on its nuclear plans for about 6 months (an important success to build on...

But MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY...Iran is a DEMOCRACY...and one that recent dealt with a MILLION PLUS protest in its capital against the current leadership...a theocratic leadership that has proved itself to be TERRIBLY manipulative in its pursuit of power in Iran, including a slightly ramped up version of Pope Benedict's somewhat similar moves at power in the Catholic Church, purging moderates who veer from the leadership's view of Iran...in the Pope's case, his power is -- LUCKILY -- limited to the archaic institutions of the Catholic Church....in Iran's case, the conservative leadership purged moderate candidates who might have unseated them in periodic elections:(...

But Iran is a democracy, nonetheless...allowing for more openness to change and shock and adaption to circumstances and ability of the electorate to have influence --as it recently did in a MUCH, MUCH LESS democratic Lebanon -- that a more straightforward autocratic dictatorship like North Korea does not share with its autocratic democratic world neighbor...Islamic theocrats look more like their Christian theocratic brethren here in the States, in many ways, than they do the ugly and parasitic dictatorship of North Korea...

My friend, Kenny, has a REALLY WONDERFUL suggestion, I think...

In the case of North Korea and Iran, the President could start by de-linkinng the two countries, which are very different...

He could then pursue non-threatening bi-lateral and multi-lateral talks with them that don't take already paranoid actors and have them ambitiously pursue nuclear materials because they are afraid that you might invade and they clearly want to keep you out, making them MORE DANGEROUS, as the Economist points out, rather than LESS DANGEROUS,
which, if you take a moment away from just defending the President and his actions and just look at what they are doing in response to the President's actions...which is REALLY THE GOAL, isn't it?...I'd also -- in this case and with Iran, specifically -- build on MANY, MANY STRENGTHS in this Administration...including:

1) A SERIOUS respect for Islamic religion, cultures, and institutions...is EVERYONE losing their minds on this story TOTALLY forgetting how much effort the Administration and the military went to avoid hitting Islamic mosques in Iraq and rebuilding ones that got caught in crossfire or where fighting couldn't be avoided?...I would add a serious respect for the constructive priorities of leaders in
Iran and North Korea, including a vague desire to care for the needs of their peoples...given...it's a STRETCH of a compliment...but I think this is a better start than just criticism alone...which gets us to the SECOND important strength of this Administration, I think...

2) President Bush's forthright criticism of autocracies and rogue regimes...this is where I and many of the President's critics in the media SERIOUSLY DISAGREE...I DO agreee with many folks -- and the bulk of the international policy scholarly community...conservatives -- like Henry Kissinger and Robert Kagan -- AND liberals -- like Joe Nye and
Thomas Friedman...that the President should stop trying to bully the world and should work WITH multilateral institutions, like the United Nations and NATO, and with democratic and non-democratic partners to engage such issues...with open and honest disagreement, to be sure...but not trying to win the upper hand, politically, and not expect consequences that none of us want, on the back end...

And I think that trying to SCARE North Korea and Iran into giving up their pursuit of weapons is CLEARLY NOT WORKING BY ANY OBJECTIVE MEASURE of the situation, which is EXACTLY why the Economist is so
RIGHTLY critical...

I think we should focus on bilateral and multilateral talks...and in doing what the President and John Bolton have SAID, recently, that they want to do with the U.N...which I think would be encouraging if they are being sincere...which is to ENGAGE it...to recognize and acknowledge it's value...as the President does so well with, say, American businesses...but which he needs to do better, I think, with the U.N...AND to criticize it...especially its record of allowing serious human rights abusers tell the rest of the world what constitutes a human rights abuse...I am ALL ABOUT INCLUSION as a means of engaging aggressors in a democratic context -- as has CLEARLY been a success in Great Britain with the IRA and the Ulster Unionists -- but there also needs to be voices of reason who say that Syria is not the best country to tell ANYONE what is constituted in a human rights
abuse...and out of that democratic engagement, I think, we give autocrats experience with the BENEFITS and HONESTY and good for their countries and for the world that come with democratic engagement, which is EXACTLY why Gerry Adams -- a spokesman for a former terrorist group now-turned-political-party -- worked so hard in the last couple of years to keep the peace in Ireland on track...a remarkable development, to say the least, from a time when Gerry Adams and Sinn Fein RATIONALIZED murder for political ends...

So...there is MUCH PRECEDENT to believe that such a strategy could besuccessful...as well as the Europeans BRIEF success in squelching the Iranians' pursuit of nuclear weapons which was SADLY COMPOUNDED by a boisterous U.S. threatening war with it...what a foolish mistake....

And...it's just a mistake...and...like
Newsweek...the quicker the President recognizes that...the quicker we get to BETTER solutions...

3) The President's and the Administration's GENUINE concern for America's interests in global affairs...and their hopefully moving past the illusion that somehow their just going to be
able to BEAT world opinion in their direction...a foolish bet, that's for damned sure...and the Administration's willingness to point out the shortcomings in international institutions like the U.N. (though I somehow doubt going after Kofi Annon will do very much more, at all, than increase the shrill of Bush sitting for war-crimes talk amongts liberals (which is a pretty serious risk for the President who DID violate international law over the course of this war...I don't think it will go this way...but going after Kofi Annon will surely INCREASE that likelihood, rather than decrease it...and likely do NOTHING to promote the welfare of those hurt by the mistakes in the oil-for-food program -- except bring general awareness of the issue -- and do MUCH to undermine conservative credibility on the issue, as it already has with me...

4) Making the case that though America's willingness to lead military efforts when they are needed might, at times, make them a bit TOO EXCITED to take on such missions...that the resistance to sharing the burden equitably on such missions by the Japanese and Germans and French, etc., undermine THEIR CREDIBILITY AS WELL...a truism that gets MUCH DISCUSSION in the U.S...especially amongst conservatives...but less and needed discussion in places like the U.N....

...and saving the talk of militarism for when it is more useful...like
in the case of a REAL IMMINENT THREAT from the North or Iran on Seoul or Israel...like if North Korea or Iran is overtly threatening to rain nuclear on Seoul or Tel Aviv...or to otherwise attack, with missile technology or ground troops, their more democratic neighbors...

5) Sanctions will almost inevitably beconsidered...and the Administration will almost inevitably support them (though they have PLEASANTLY SURPRISED me at times...as with their pleading with Ariel Sharon to back off more aggressive moves in Palestine)...so I have to include them...I don't have much hope that they will work, given what we know about the psychology of the insular, paranoid, seriously-controlling and repressive, militaristic, and seriously manipulative leadership in both Tehran and Pyongyang...Iran is democratic and, thus and on its own merits, less dangerous, I think, than the megalomania of Kim Jong Il...and has fewer capabilities to threaten democratic countries than does the North Korean leadership, according to this Economist article...

Though the Economist suggests them...they will likely have a similar, less serious consequence as the current policy, I'm afraid (I would love for them or war or ANY POLICY to work, frankly...but they just aren't likely to, I'm afraid, given who we are dealing with...and with human nature's tendency to DEFEND itself from perceived attacks, for good or for ill...

I think bilateral and multilateral talks and inclusion of these countries into institutions like the United Nations are MUCH MORE LIKELY to create changes in their leaderships' behavior (with a VIGOROUS AND ENGAGED debate and discussion about the direction and purposes of the United Nations and other international institutions by conservatives, liberals, and even rogue regimes...this doesn't mean that Kim Jong Il's philosophy of democracy is equally as valid as that of democratic countries like the U.S. OBVIOUSLY...it just means that, like Gerry Adams...the more he's TALKING AND THINKING about democracy...the more he absorbs its values...and the better for ALL OF US, as a consequence...as the truism of contemporary political science that the President has been repeating to President Putin and his neighbors, recently...the more democratic countries are...the more likely that they DON'T go to war with one another...and that they act less aggressively with one another...which, at its root, is the FUNDAMENTAL PURPOSE of our policies towards Iraq, Iran, and North Korea...not declaring war...or imposing sanctions...these are only tools...that either get us CLOSER to that goal...or, as is the unfortunate case today, get us FARTHER AWAY from that goal...

6) The very savvy and important work and suggestions of the brains behind much of the work in Iraq, right now, that I'm ashamed that I forgot about when I posted very similar versions of this writing on
Ala's blog...

Paul Wolfowitz...

Very soon after the commencement of the Iraq war...As Paul was -- far ahead of the pack of the very reflective re-thinking of the war going on inside the Administration...ahead Condi's very poignant rethinking...and Don Rumsfeld's second thoughts...and Colin Powell's and Tom Ridge's and Richard Clarke's post-cabinet re-thinking that would have been far more effectively engaged if it would have had an audience while they were still working for the President...

Very soon after the war started, Paul suggested that Americans support more open, democratic, and liberal -- "small l" classical, free-thinking, free-expressing liberal, in this sense -- values by financially and otherwise supporting schools in Islamic countries like Afghanistan and Iraq to support the nurturing of these kinds of very important values in Islamic cultures...

And that suggestion is not only a brilliant one -- which the Administration, generally, and Paul, specifically, deserve much credit for...

But it is one that should be extended, as much as possible to autocracies and dictatorships like Iran and North Korea...

This would make an immense difference, if it were possible to implant these institutions in places like North Korea and Iran...But they will only be possible if these states and cultures do not feel threatened by the Administration and the Western and civilized and democratic world...

A very, very, very good reason to not engage in a policy that makes threats as a way of resolving difficult issues...for goodness sakes...But that is ok...because mistakes get made...and that is the nature of international and domestic policy...

It is not only OK that mistakes get made over the course of these very difficult policy choices...it is common and on-going in the neverending learning curve of international (and domestic) policy...and acknowledging that instead of assuming bad faith is much more constructive, I believe, to preventing similar mistakes in the future than trying to get folks' heads...

For the President...and for Newsweek...and, this time, the President needs to follow this media organization's lead, I think...

That would be the most important suggestion I would have for the President...it's not his strength, unfortunately...and, as I've written earlier, it is very difficult to do, publicly...so I totally feel for George in this respect...but I'd do it anyway...

Apologize...

Apologize to the world for trying to make it do your bidding just because you say so...and because you're arrogant enough to believe that you know what's best for the world without consulting it...Apologize to Iraqis and American soldiers and international relief workers and other service-people, Iraqi law-enforcement, non-profit workers, commercial workers, and to the families of those whose lives were lost over the course of this world...whose lives were all put in far too much unnecessary risk, as a consequence of the President's arrogance to believe that forming substantial international coalitions
and consensus did not/do not matter...for disregarding international institutions, like the United Nations General Assembly and Security Council...as well as important NATO allies, like France and Germany...

Apologize to the North Koreans -- the leadership and the population -- as well as the Iranian leadership and people for persistently threatening them, militarily, to get our way on a whole host of matters
-- specifically, the renunciation of nuclear programs -- that has clearly been counterproductive to anyone honestly concerned with dealing with this threat...and not just defending the President and his mistakes...a policy of threats that leads those cultures, populations, and states to close down, dig in, and prepare for battle...not the state that you need so same folks in to learn and
support and nurture the values of free and open and liberal ("small l" classical liberal ) and democratic cultures...

And apologize to the American people...for both giving deceptive reasons for going into Iraq...and for not being more thoughtful about how such a war might be engaged to ensure that many, many, many fewer American, Iraqi and other lives would be lost over its course...and to American liberals, in particular, for treating them like opponents, at worst, and less than equitable partners, at best, when developing international and domestic policy...

I would then work with international relief organizations, fundraising, and other groups to fund emergency food relief for North Koreans, specifically, during bilateral and multilateral talks...to make clear that such talks and efforts in the region are authentically about how much Americans care about the North Koreans -- and about themselves -- and not about how they want to scare or repress them further than they are already repressed (learning the lessons from the very serious problems we've encountered in Iraq...

I would also continue to offer up as much free and paid for and otherwise supported access to both Iranians and North Koreans (there is more precedent for Iranians enjoying American culture...but if there's a way to get it to North Koreans, then I am all for it to products and media of American culture...the pink fashions and rap music that Iranians have, reportedly, been indulging in...and rebelling against their parents and their parents' generation with...the access to American, British, South Korean, Egyptian, Iraqi, Japanese, French, German, Spanish, Scandanavian, Swiss, Italian, Nigerian, Kyrgyz, Russian, Christian and other missionary (my South Korean friends tell me that Christian missionaries have been very important ambassadors to South Korean culture from America...and might have similar influence in the North, though, as with China, with significantly more risk, I'm sure, in a Communist dictatorship...and other more democratic media, movies, music, books, scholarship, and more open culture...

As Joe Nye -- the Dean of the Harvard School of Government and my favorite international policy scholar -- makes clearer in his most recent works...

While hard power -- in the form of military and economic force and sanctions -- can be useful in international diplomacy (and I would add...for some purposes...that have important tradeoffs with other purposes...meaning they are discreet tools for certain efforts -- like limiting regimes' access to weapons of mass destruction -- while distorting relationships needed for other efforts -- for democratization, for instance...or for extradition of or for reducing or removing support for terrorists....or for trade...or for improving openess and linkages for American and Western and democratic and non-democratic media, music, books, scholarship, internet, etc...or for solving a whole host of serious international problems...that require
strong overall relationships, first and foremost, to tackle so many important and necessary issues, simultaneously, without trading off issues of importance with one another...rather than discreet and often counterproductive efforts at forcing regimes' hands on issues that are not of immediate and truly imminent threat, as I see no evidence, thusfar, including from this Economist article, that Iran or North Korea really are...

As Joe makes clear...

Soft power -- or more direct diplomacy, study abroad programs -- especially programs that allow young folks from these countries to study in America in as big of numbers as possible and that sharing and genuine exchange of our more open culture and even others' more closed cultures -- are far undervalued in the current context...and need to be revisited by American and world leaders, generally...but definitely in situations of the most serious risk of escalation, as Iran and North Korea and Iraq are proving to be...

And soft efforts to encourage, teach, share, and otherwise nurture democratic values in these countries...through schools -- as Paul Wolfowitz, the current World Bank chairman and one of President Bush's most important intellectual advisors over the course of this war in Iraq suggested very, very, very wisely in Islamic countries...like Iran, say...through open and as freely accessed as possible...internet...press...and other news media (the Economist making its premium content freely accessable is a welcome and wonderful move in this direction...I've been waiting to brag on them about this ever since I encountered it...music...movies...television...advertising (as much as this just pisses off like hell traditionalists in developing and autocratic and repressive cultures...fuck 'em, I say...I don't have any fuckin' problem in the fuckin' world with Islamists and Communists and various autocrats and dictatorships and closed and more traditional cultures being pissed off with Americans and others using and celebrating their First Amendment Rights...I also happen to think that Afghanis can learn to tolerate desecration of the Koran, as well, by the way...even as Americans also learn to respect, preserve, and appreciate the Koran, Islamic tradition and culture, and Arab and South Central Asian cultures, generally...but that's for another post...

And if we need to use weapons and sanctions...We can still do so when we might think we might need to...but not lead with such a policy, thus playing trump cards that we cannot quickly replace or get back and, in doing so, at each turn, reversing a very important game called, "How to facilitate all of humanity adopting the highest values of all humanity..."

I would also add, at this point...that we should also consider acknowledging the legitimacy of Iran pursuing a peaceful program, as a part of those talks...meaning...that it is hardly fair for the Administration to argue, as they have, that peaceful nuclear development in America for energy purposes is needed...but that it must be halted in Iran...the President and the Administration and all those involved need to acknowledge that Iran's pursuit of a non-weapons-grade nuclear program is wholly legitimate for an emerging economy seeking non-oil-dependendent energy sources...

But one of the main purposes of bilateral and multilateral talks -- as is being used, more successfully, with North Korea, with the wise leadership of the South Koreans bringing Washington on board for a much more constructive resolution to such matters, there -- is to guarantee is -- whether Iran gets the bomb or not -- that they do what most democracies do, better, these days...

Which is not go to war with one another...

Meaning...

That we should work on better relations, generally, with the Iranians -- at least for the long run...even when there is, periodically, bad blood in the short run -- to better guarantee that any nuclear weapons that might be developed or acquired...

Are not used...

Which is our real concern...

The world is slowly beginning to come to terms, I think, with the fact that it cannot control hostilities...

At best they can combat them when they are aggressive...and then, only as a temporary solution to such conflict...

And build better relationships...even with those nations we don't trust...

And to follow the example that Franklin Roosevelt and George Marshall set for the country more than 50 years ago...

To build up our enemies...into stronger and better versions of themselves...

And to continue to expand on our own legacy of freedom and democracy...domestically...as well as abroad...

To build on what is good...to leave behind what is wrong and destructive...to forgive ours' and others' past transgressions...as we want others to forgive our and their own...

Melissa is home...I'll have more suggestions, later:):):)...have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I wasn't going to share this...but I'll share it, anyway...

I've noticed since I've worked at Amarr...I'm not sharing as much, as honestly...a defense, I think...in an environment not always hospitable to be totally authentic in...

But tonight...I was reminded what it was like to be around people who accepted me more completely...just as me...

I ushered, tonight, for the EMU Theater/Running Joke production of the rock musical, Johnny Butts...my very good friend, Andy Stowers, wrote Johnny...with his friend and drummer for the show, Nick Wells...

It was really good...I told Andy and everyone that I think that this show could be picked up by other theater groups...and major playwriting publishers, if he would be interesting in submitting it...

But the nicest thing, tonight...honestly...

Was hanging out with a bunch of friends that I didn't have to defend myself to...

It was so nice, I can't tell you...

After too many nights defending myself and who I am to my friends at Amarr...

It was nice to be with people who really appreciate/d me just for who I am...and the things that so many folks at Amarr just don't understand...are the same things that I and my friends at EMU really love about me...and that I really love about me...when I'm around folks who remind me that they aren't anything to defend...and are great without the approval or acceptance of folks who likely don't really approve or accept anyone...for too many of the guys I work with...probably not even themselves, too often...sadly...

And I realized...while I was sitting in the audience just enjoying this really great musical that my friend had just written and produced...

That I really need to get a teaching job...

And get out of this rut at Amarr...

I haven't really thought of it as a rut...

I've thought of it as working with friends that I really cared about...

But it's becoming all too clear to me that with too many of the guys...this feeling is not reciprocated...

And that I need to stop being such a fool...

And to move onto a healthier work environment...

Where I can be appreciated, more, for what I have to contribution...

And not always torn down...

For no reason, in particular, really...

But just because too many of the guys at Amarr don't know how to do much better...than to tear me down...and I'm sure themselves...

So sad...

And I need to stop being a part of this pitiful spectacle...

And move onto somewhere where my contributions will be appreciated and respected...

Because that is definitely not happening most nights, now, at Amarr...

No matter how much I'm a glutton for punishment...and appreciate many folks who do not appreciate me, comparably, at all...

Tonight I realized what a sad, unhealthy situation that I was in...and had lost track of just how bad it had gotten...until I spent like about 10 minutes with my friend, Joel...explaining the situation...and getting his reality check...that this was really kind of fucked up situation to work in...

How many people work in environments where they get bossed around by most everyone they work with?...

When was the last time that you got threatened to fight at work...nevertheless 5 or 6 times, since you've worked there?...

And what environment do people work in where such bullying is not only common...but almost encouraged, really, so much is changing it resisted...by virtually everyone...with notable exceptions...

...particularly my friend, Kenny, who has actually been a really great guy to work for/with:)...and who'll be a really great lead on second shift:):)...

Tomorrow I do more work on teacher applications...

Because I got to get out of this situation...

And into a situation more like EMU...

Where I can be me...

And not have to defend it all the time...

Because so many folks feel so bad about being them...

One more thing...

The title of this post actually referred to something else that I wasn't going to share but I'll share, anyway...

At risk of sounding like a total puss of an ex-boyfriend...

Is it possible that you can love someone completely...think it's reciprocated...and find out...only after you don't even have an active friendship with that person anymore...

That they didn't ever have those same feelings for you...

That it was far more unilateral a complete and unconditional love than what was felt for me?...

Is that really possible?...

Because my life sure feels like the Twilight Zone, right now...

Maybe it is...though I haven't wanted to believe that...even four years -- almost to the day, actually...Brandi and I broke up around August 5th...a little more than a month before 9/11 -- after we've broken up...

But having someone not even talk with you will make you see things that you either didn't see...or didn't want to see...or at least consider them...

Is it possible that my life has turned to February?...how totally and senselessly tragic...

I better get some sleep...I have applications to fill out:)...

Have a great night/day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Saturday, August 06, 2005

What the fuck?...

I had this brilliant little post on why I embrace and yet qualify thinking of myself as a liberal, these days...much as I embrace but qualify my identification as white trash, these days...

And then I lost much of it...I'm working on recreating it...

In the meantime...

NCAA Bans Native American Mascots in Postseason...

What the fuck?...

I hope the Florida State President fights this and wins this in court...

This is insulting to Florida State and all such teams in the extreme...

That certain Native American groups think that they can/do speak for all Native Americans...and that a school that has worked with Florida Seminole tribes around this issue...

For all of that to be nullified...and for them to be tarred as racists because they use a term that racist Native Americans don't like is...well...

RACIST...

And it's bullshit...

Interestingly, enough...

A professor that I worked with on race issues when I conducted race dialogues on campus as a part of my grad school experience, Cornell Pewewardy, presented the historical analysis that led the committee to make its decision...

Response of The Honor the Chief Society webpage at the University of Illinois to the NCAA ruling on team mascots...

I worked with Cornell in race dialogues...and I have to admit that I was struck, too, that Cornell's perspectives on race were biased against whites and in favor of the idea that the relationship between whites and Natives was consistently one of oppression...which is not the case...

The Honor the Chief Society, by the way, is the University of Illinois' effort to preempt such criticisms and to put their own Chief Illiniwek mascot in historical perspective...

The Honor the Chief Society at the University of Illinois...

As the Honor the Chief Society points out...it's not just Chief Illiniwek who is a part of Illinois heritage...it is the name of their state, Illinois, itself, which is named after the loose confederation of Native tribes in the region -- the Cahokia, Tamaroa, Kaskaskia, Michigamea, and Peoria -- through 1818, when Illinois became the nation's 21st state IN HONOR of the Native tribes that inhabited this region...

Why would a group of people name their state after a group that they are supposed to disdain?...they wouldn't...Whites and Americans did much to treat Natives badly over the course of the 17th, 18th, and 19th Centuries...but they did much to honor and treat them well, as well...and naming their state and their team mascots after their tribes was one of those ways of honoring those same tribes...

If these folks were mocking Natives...that would be one thing...

But they're not...

They're celebrating them...

And they have the right to celebrate the Seminole Indians if they want...

All forces of political correctness to the contrary...

The NCAA is WAY OUT OF LINE to demand anything different...

As Dennis Dodd writes brilliantly on the CBS College Sports website...

NCAA takes a stand that isn't much of one...

Teams like Illinois and Kansas, where Dr. Pewewardy works, are in big trouble if we start banning all Native references in team names...because both of their states', universities', and teams' names are based on names of Native tribes...

And what about roughneck Texans who might be offended by the Texas A&M Aggies?...or people of Irish descent who might be offended by the Notre Dame Fighting Irish?...or Cajuns who might be offended by the Ragin' Cajuns of Louisiana Layfayette?...

And then the NCAA decides it's going to step up penalties for schools with student-athletes with low grades...

I have a modest proposal...

How about death for all students who don't get above a C...

That sounds about right to me...

All those lazy, stupid athletes will surely be motivated by the threat of death to get better grades, don't you think?...

Have we all just gone COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE...

Grades aren't designed, as they are currently given, for everyone to get A's...I want athletes to do better work...but this is about the most back-asswards, foolish, dumbass way to get there that I have ever seen...

And do you know what is so COMPLETELY IRONIC about this proposal?...

What IN THE FUCK would members of some NCAA grades commmittee know about getting good grades?...

You think these morons get on the rules committee by making good grades?...

Fat chance...

Because the folks who make the best grades and do the best work go on to be people like professors and teachers and those who make the most outstanding contributions to their field...

And...more importantly...

The people who do THE BEST in school DON'T necessarily get the best grades...

Many of them...like Joseph Campbell...the greatest cultural theorist of the twentieth century...or Roald Dahl...the eminent writer of works like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach...drop out of school...

Still others...like Albert Einstein...get told that their work is "irrelevant and insignificant"...the same work that went on the revolutionize the world of physics...

I made pretty good grades in both undergrad and grad school...and I imagine I am far smarter than many of those folks on the NCAA grades committee in matters that count...

And I know for damned sure that this is about the most goddamned foolish way that I've ever heard of supporting students to make better grades...

The sad part is that many student athletes do try to make better grades...and are often very discouraged that their efforts are not recognized...because they are often just not as smart as other students...at least they are not at the same intellectual level, in that moment...and so they are behind the curve of smarter students and trying to catch up...having everyone expect that they both catch up AND win national championships, never satisfied with athletes, when they don't do either...or, in the case of many of the stronger teams on the NCAA list, when they only do one of the two...

Do people really expect that all athletes can both get the best grades and all win national championships?...a few, like Bill Bradley, do (not in college, where his Princeton Tigers were 3rd at the NCAA tournament in 1965, his senior year, rather than champions...but he did win two championships in the NBA with the New York Knicks...a rarity for a person who is a Rhodes' scholar to be sure)...

...and yet everyone and their momma incessantly moan and bitch when ALL college atheletes don't do what Bill Bradley was only able to do twice in his college and professional entire career, but never in college...fans and others constantly bitch and moan and bitch and moan when they athletes don't do either...win championships...or get the best grades and do the best intellectual work...and when they don't comply with every other arbitrary bitch and moan that they have about college athletics...

Like what kind of mascot they have...

This is power run amok...all of it...

Love,
Ben

Friday, August 05, 2005

Maybe dancing?:):):)...

I don't know what I need to cheer up this weekend:):):)...

Had a run-in with a lead last night who just a month ago was avoiding work and distracting me from mine when we were staging together and who I had to remind to get back to work...

And now this guy is my "boss"...or one of them:)...

It's amazing how high mediocrity can rise in the world...

I have to say that it was kind of satisfying to tell a boss who was being an asshole that he was being an asshole to his face, last night:):):)...

He totally deserved it...

He's a new lead...he's understandably behind the other leads in productivity for his team, right now, because he's learning quite a bit all at once, right now...but it was clearly getting to him last night...especially as one of our trainers jokingly made reference to the need to kick his ass in gear (I just love how for some people the answer to every problem is seeing how far you can piss and how hard you can beat your chest...its very evolved of us, I must say)...

So...anyway...he fucked up and forgot a door on a tier...I very nicely pointed it out and asked if he wanted to complete the order...

And this asshole starting yelling at me about why I hadn't already gotten the door...his mistake...he's too chicken-shit to take responsibility for it...and he yells at me for it...

I get the door...

But not until I have an opportunity to tell him that he's being an asshole...which he is...

And I get in trouble...

Ah...the pleasures of working on a shipping dock...sometimes it's so goddamn jarhead, I can hardly stand it...

And I've been understandably upset about the situation ever since...

But not before I realized just how cool it was that I had just called an "boss" who was being an asshole that he was an asshole to his face:):):)...

It was kind of spontaneous...and the context is that this guy has been a co-worker for most of the time that I've worked with him...and not the most proactive co-worker, shall we say, of those I've worked with (he's kind of lazy, too much of the time:):):):)...

And he went on some hopefully temporary power trip last night...

And now I have to figure out how I learn to just let him abuse me next time, so that I don't get in trouble with the bigger boss...

Ahhhh...I just can't do it...

People will just have to stop being assholes with me...this is just garage doors...this job isn't worth it...

Yet one more incentive to find a better teaching job -- where my intelligence will be taken just a little bit more seriously...though I'm sure this will be a problem for me no matter where I work, from now on...no good deed goes unpunished, in this respect, I'm quickly learning:):):) -- ASAP:):):)...

Now there's incentive to get these applications done this weekend:):):):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

James Carville is an asshole...and this whole situation is bullshit...

CNN Suspends Robert Novak After 'Inexcusable' Outburst...

You know what I think about Robert Novak saying that the line delivered by James Carville on CNN's Inside Edition, yesterday...

"He's got to show these right wingers that he's got a backbone, you know. It's why the Wall Street Journal editorial page is watching you. Show 'em that you're tough."

It was bullshit...

And it was right on for Robert Novak to say so...

James Carville is a slinking, slithering, nasty, hateful, vengeful polluting force in American politics...

And Robert Novak called him on that, yesterday...

And James TOTALLY DESERVED IT...

And good for Robert...

And you know what I'm most disappointed about in the whole deal...

That Robert apologized...for something he had nothing to apologize for...

This game of political recrimination that liberals and Democrats have been playing with the President, the Administration, Karl Rove, and now Robert Novak...is...as Robert so famously put it, now...

BULLSHIT...

And good for Robert to say so...

I finally finished all three stories that Time Magazine did in its cover story of the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame drama...including a disclosure by Time reporter, Matt Cooper, about his interview with Karl Rove and his grand jury testimony...

I've gone into this whole thing with a presumption of innocence for Karl Rove...and have grown increasingly concerned, after discussing this issue with several liberals, that this was becoming a smear campaign to get back at Karl Rove and the Administration for what they are really upset about...

Maneuvering a 2000 election win, declaring a war in Iraq that they disagreed with, and winning a second time in 2004...all of which were perfectly legal...

The first was a travesty of democracy, I think...though legal and reasonable...and far in the past...the second was a serious political miscalculation on the President's part, with noble intentions to free the people of Iraq, I think...and the third was a perfectly reasonable way for an American electorate to decide who leads them politically, even as I voted for the other guy...

And those Time Magazine articles and everything I've seen on this drama, thusfar...

Say nothing new...

And the trend which has increasingly concerned me...

Is the tone of liberal articles that seem to be less concerned, now, with the truth of these claims...

Than with getting Karl Rove...and the President...and now James Carville encouraging others, in yesterday's remarks, to get Robert Novak...

And the whole thing is EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICAN POLITICS...

It is the Clinton impeachment trial re-lived all over again...

It is ugly...it is partisan...

And a Robert Novak angrily opined yesterday on Inside Edition...

It is bullshit...

And good for Robert Novak for calling James Carville on his bullshit...

James has long been a corrosive force in American politics...

And thought Robert Novak is a cynical son-of-a-bitch, much of the time...he's an honest and independent reporter...a conservative journalist who was critical of the war in Iraq very early on...and who wrote his story out of that same even-handed skepticism that characterizes much of his journalism...and this most recent effort to smear a conservative over this whole drama is...

Bullshit...

James Carville should be ashamed of himself...

And liberals should too...

If they're various particular realities, which cannot possibly be understood by anyone else but themselves, allow them to feel bad about any of their behavior...

If they might be able to acknowledge that maybe it is wrong to do some things...like trying to smear conservatives you don't like because you don't like them...because you disagree with them...because one helped a President you don't like win an election...and because another is just a conservative, even if he is an independent and critically-minded one...

And if they can even possibly acknowledge that they aren't even close to living up to the decent, compassionate, and innocence-presuming ideals that characterize so much about what is great about being liberal...as someone who has been a life-long liberal...

Liberals, it seems, can put themselves in anyone else's shoes...

Except conservatives...

And this particular episode in the drama that is the on-going cycles of political recrimination in Washington, D.C., and in the most overbearing halls of power...

Is bullshit...

And good for Robert Novak to call someone on it...especially James Carville...who has deserved to have his particular brand of political discourse bullshit for quite some time, now...

I used to be charmed by James Carville...after he had just finished helping Harold Wofford succeed in upsetting Dick Thornburgh in the 1991 special election for his Pennsylvania Senate seat...and helped President Bill Clinton (the Governor of Arkansas who I voted against in the 1992 election, my first election that I could legally vote in...one of the biggest mistakes of my voting career:):):)...win election to the American Presidency...

James has/had a Louisiana backyard barbeque charm about him, that I appreciated and still appreciate...he had a way of taking complex political issues and making them very simple for average folks...average folks willing to read his arguments, that is:):):)...

Too simple, I think...

So simple...that the world becomes a battle between the good guys and the bad guys...

He's one of the good guys...

And Robert Novak is one of the bad guys...

And anytime that someone splits up the world into those who are "with us or against us"...

It's a sure sign that they've stopped thinking enough...

And it's bullshit...

No matter who it comes from...

No apologies, necessary, Robert...

You're right on the money, on this one, I think, thusfar, Robert...

It's bullshit...

Love,
Ben

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Still not convinced?...

Al Queda's No. 2 Threatens London, U.S...

...that the war in Iraq made us more vulnerable to terrorist attack?...

Read on...

Love,
Ben:):):):)...

My listening pleasure:

Dropkick Murphies...The Last Letter Home...
Toby Keith...American Soldier...
Dixie Chicks...Traveling Soldier...
...and then American Soldier for the third time, for good measure:):):)...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I think I understand better now:):):)...

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown/the 1999 Broadway revival/Anthony Rapp and gang...Happiness...Rascal Flats...These Days...Diamond Rio...Beautiful Mess......Livingston Taylor...If I Only Had a Brain...Darryl Worley...I Miss My Friend...Hootie and the Blowfish...Hold My Hand, their cover of Tom Waits' Closing Time, Time, their cover of Bill Withers' Lean on Me, and Let Her Cry...Van Morrison...Moondance...Tracy Chapman...The Promise...Harry Connick, Jr...If I Only Had a Brain...You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown/Kristen Chenowith/Ilana Levine/Kimberly Grigsby/B.D. Wong/Anthony Rapp/...My New Philosophy...Schroeder...Little Known Facts...My Blanket and Me...Sinead O'Connor...You Do Something to Me...Ray Charles...I've Got a Woman...Bye-Bye Love...Hit the Road, Jack...Georgia on My Mind...9/11 dedication with Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA and Ray Charles' America the Beautiful...Shake Your Tailfeathers...Old Man River...Five Blind Boys of Alabama...Old Time Religion...I'll Fly Away...Marching up to Zion...There Will Be a Light...None of Us are Free...Down By the Riverside...When a Man Loves a Woman...Randy Newman...You Are So Beautiful...with Lyle Lovett...You've Got a Friend in Me...Rednecks...Political Science...Dixie Chicks...Top of the World...Toby Keith...American Soldier...

...ok...

I think that should hold me at least until the end of this post:):):)...


Kenny's comments in my last post have finally helped me unlock the real mystery that I've been struggling with, recently...

Why so much distance in my relationships, lately...

And I think Kenny's helped me figure it out:):):)...



I have a hard time understanding lack of hope...

I've always been really abundant with hope...

As I explained to Kenny in the comments in the last post (on my Tripod blog...Singin' dem education blues...comments......about a situation that I think may be resolved at this point)...

I've been struggling a lot, lately...with why people treat me so bad around my intelligence...and education...and about being decent, generally...especially when all of my commitments in the world are that others can be similarly intelligent and decent...and that I have a lot to learn, on both counts, from others...

But I think Kenny has finally helped me figure out what I've been missing on this thing...

As I explained to Kenny...

I've lived my whole life on dreams...

My dad was younger than me -- between 30 and 32 -- when he went a million dollars bankrupt in a bad business deal...

He was just a little older than me -- 35 -- when he and my mom divorced...and when he found himself a single dad of 5 children, 3 then 4 then 5 of which lived with him...

While he's a million dollars bankrupt, mind you (perhaps the reason why my sense of perspective is so much different than many others)...

So much of my life was lived in dreams...

Because the realities were that we were broke...

For much of the time -- the great majority of the time -- that I was growing up...

And in the end:):):)...he made good:):):)...he's a millionaire, today:)...and he definitely earned those stripes he has:):)...


So...anyway...I've always just been really abundant with hope...I haven't known any other way, really...

So...I don't know what it's like to be REALLY cynical about the world...

The closest I got was in grad school...

I went through kind of a cynical period in grad school...when politics in the country was getting particularly cynical...and when I was beginning to give up hope, a little, on many of the solutions to the country's problems...

In retrospect...what I was cynical about was not our ability to solve problems...

But the ability for politicians to solve them...

Not that politicians couldn't or don't play an important role...

But that politicians, quite inadvertantly, I think...often make problems worse with legislated solutions...that need engagement by the civil society more than they need legislation...


So...anyway...I went through something of a cynical period in grad school...


But then Brandi and I broke up...


And...like when I was a kid...it was either shit or get off the pot...

I could either give into the cynicism...cynicism that likely had helped tear apart that relationship...

Or I could get about figuring out how to make that relationship work (which was my central priority in life for much of the time after our break-up)...and take care of the thing that mattered most to me in my entire life...

Or I could give up...and, as a consequence...give up on me...

So I decided to start trying to figure it out...

And I spent years studying every psychology and relationship book, article, song...ANYTHING...I could get my hands on...

To win Brandi back...

And out of all of that...

I started developing ideas that were profoundly changing the way that I thought about politics...

Because...all of a sudden...I started to understand politics at a level underneath it all that I had never considered before...

I started to understand politics from the deepest areas inside of people...places I'd never understood as well before...nevertheless seen...or experienced...

And...out of that...I started developing principles that I now call Least Possible Necessary Aggression...which try to begin to account for how policy and politics and psychology impact one another...at the deepest levels...

So...anyway...

What was the point of this story?...

Oh...grad school...hope...

So...anyway...

Brandi leaves me...

And I decide...that either I'm going to work my ass off...to open my heart for her or for whomever...or I'm never going to feel that kind of love with a woman like that ever again...

So I start working my ass off...

Emotional work is a hell of lot of work, Kenny:)...and I do it pretty regularly, at this point:):):)...

So...

I go to THREE therapists, at one point...including a family therapist...with my family...all of my brothers and sisters and my dad and my step-mom...after a Disney World vacation one Christmas where I was a total ASSHOLE to my brothers and sisters because of how much my break-up was breaking my fucking heart...and helped ruin a family vacation that we had all been waiting YEARS -- DECADES, Kenny -- to go on together...we'd been planning a Disney World trip since I was like 14 or 15 years old, Kenny:)...

And I'm reading EVERY FUCKING PSYCHOLOGY BOOK and every policy book, of course, because it was my field...and because I love politics, obviously:):):)...and I must have listened to every sappy, sad country music song about love and break-ups that's ever been written...in the last 5 years or so, at least:):):)...

And I just start to see things about policy and psychology...that I'd never seen before...

And that...I think...at this point...very few people have really ever seen, I think...

Abraham Maslow began to see it before he died...his book, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature, gets at it better than probably any book I've ever read...

Amartya Sen gets it some, I think...his book, Development as Freedom, captures it some, I think...I've not read his most recent book, The Argumentative Indian...so I'll have to read that and see what he has to say on the subject:):):)...

Joseph Nye gets it some...his work on soft power in international policy, in books like The Paradox of American Power and Soft Power, get it some, I think...

I don't think any of these guys get it completely...

But they get it better than most, I think...

So...anyway...

The point is...

There was this time in my life...when I felt more cynical...at least more cynical for me...like I said...I'm a pretty abundantly hopeful person...I've had to be...so I don't get terribly cynical, much of the time:):):)...

And this was a time when I had to shit or get off the pot...

And I decided to...well...do what I had to do:):):)LOL:):):)...

So I got to work...

But the point of this whole LONG GODDAMNED STORY...

Is to explain why I don't get cynicism very well...

But you just helped me get underneath it...and understand it better...

It's giving up, I think...and the consequences that come with giving up...

And like I said in those comments...

The reason I can't give up on others...is because...when we give up on others...a little bit of us gives up on ourselves, too...

And I think all the pettiness that people have engaged in with me...is their defenses around the pain that is involved with dealing with that disappointment...that led them to give up in the first place...

And I guess I'm just realistic enough to know that the pain of dissappointment...is FAR OUTWEIGHED...by the pain of giving up...BY FAR...because the latter is exponential...it's compound interest...it accumulates on the heart over the years...and it just sits there...accumulating dust...and more pain...with every compromise that is made in its name...

So anyway...

That kind of gets at my central commitments in education...

That everyone can learn...always...

That everyone can aspire as high as they would like...

Meaning...

Not only as big as Abraham Maslow...and Amartya Sen (and Jeffrey Sachs, another contender in economics, I think)...and Joseph Nye (and Benjamin Barber...another contender, I think, in international policy fields)...who are three of the most amazingly intelligent people in their fields, by my lights...ever...Abraham Maslow, remember, has been dead for nearly 40 years...

But they can be bigger...

They can be better...

And that we can all be bigger and better than these guys...

All of us...

My central commitment as a teacher, Kenny...is to my students and kids and friends and whomever as people, first, and students, second...

And that they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AND MY LEGACY, Kenny...that they bat me out of the fucking ballpark...that they win and win big and never stop...and, as Winston Churchill said in that now famous speech in America...and probably the greatest college commencement speech in the history of college commencement speeches...legend goes that this was the entire extent of that speech...

"Never, never, never, never, never, never quit."

(I've also read that it was a 10 word speech..."Never give in. Never give in. Never, ever, give in." But that just doesn't sound like Winston Churchill to me...at least I hope he gave the speech the way I wrote it first...because it's a better speech that way...and Winston Churchill could definitely deliver a speech:):):)...

As Vince Lombardi said...

"Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit."

(This is a really great site for similar such quotations:):):)...

As well as Robert Kennedy's bit of wisdom...

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."

...that I found on this little speech team webpage:):):)...

Eastview Speech Team...thanks, Brie:):):)...


Anyway:):):)...

The point is that my central goal as a teacher...outside of caring about my kids and students and friends and everyone else as people, first...and students, second...

Is that they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY...that they PUMMEL IT INTO THE FUCKIN' GROUND...that they TRANSCEND EVERYTHING THAT I'VE EVER DONE AND EVER WILL DO...

That they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING THAT I DO OR WILL EVER DO...

That's my goal, Kenny:):):)...

I have no interest in being Abraham Maslow...

And having everyone fawn over how brilliant they think I am...and then dying with noone even trying to take over or maintain or expand or elaborate on or imagine in ways that I've never imagined...my own legacy...

I want people to KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY...I want them to BEAT ME...and BEAT ME BAD...

And that's when I know I'll be successful as a teacher, Kenny...

A teacher who's students are trying and failing in beating them at their own business, much of the time is FAILING by my lights...and I don't like failing, Kenny, if you can't tell...I like succeeding...I like winning...and the way that I think that teachers win...that they succeed...that they keep from failing...

Is that they teach students so that they are better prepared to KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEIR LEGACY...

That's my commitment in life, Kenny:):):):):):)...

To prepare everyone to do that:):):):):):):)...

And for me to do the same:):):):):):)...

And for all of us to just keep playing the game of life:):):)...

As FUCKING HARD AS WE CAN FOR AS FUCKING LONG AND -- too often -- SHORT...AS WE ALL HAVE IT:):):):):):)...

So...Kenny...the issue for me...

Is that I don't understand quitting...

It's just not in me...

I think Winston Churchill is one BALLSY MOTHERFUCKER for giving that speech...

And I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT, Kenny...I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF IT:):):):):):):)...

And that's the kind of guy I am:):):)...

And so when people start giving up on me...

I don't get it...

Because my expectation is not to beat people all the time...

My expectation is to have them KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME (not literally, obviously:):):)...though I've gotten pretty close to that one, too, haven't I, Kenny:):):)...man...we have stories, now, don't we:):):)...AND MY LEGACY:):):)...and at anything we do together:):):):):):)...

When my neighbors, Jesse and Melissa, and Melissa -- my ex-girlfriend and roommate --and I play Trivial Pursuit (the 90's edition...which is an AWESOME edition of that game, by the way:):):)...

I've won the last couple of times:):):)...ok...I've won every time we've finished a game up until this point (though Melissa was winning a game that we quit early:):):)...so I've got competition:):):)...

And I can be pretty openly competitive...

But that's because, Kenny...I try to make clear to people...

That the competition is totally friendly with me:):):)...

And that my expectation...in everything:):):)...is that my friends and family and everyone I deal with:):):)...

KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of me at whatever we are doing:):):):):):)...

It's the only way that it remains fun for me, anyway:):):)...otherwise...it's just an ego thing:):):)...and who the fuck really needs that:):):)...

The much bigger ego rush, I think:):):):):)...

Is when people you care about:):):)...especially people who were never really convinced of their own abilities:):):):):)...

Begin to KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of you and your efforts:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And that's my commitment, Kenny:):):):):):)...

And that's why I keep working with those guys:):):)...to prepare them to start trying or to start succeeding...

In KICKING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AND MY LEGACY:):):):):):)...

Which is exactly what my goal is when I start teaching:):):):):):)...

When I was in college, Kenny...when I was competing in forensics at Wichita State University...we went from 84th in the country, my freshman year...to 7th in the country, by my senior year...

And my biggest disappointment, Kenny...from that period...

Is that Wichita State University has never achieved that kind of success, nationally, ever again, in intercollegiate forensics...my best friend, Bond Benton:):):) (who was the third overall speaker in the nation my senior year and his senior year, the year after that:):):)...went on to lead WSU to 9th in the country, the year after I finished competing:):):)...and then nothing, Kenny...we've never succeeded the same since:):):)...

And I have no intentions on letting that happen ever again, Kenny:):):):):):)...if I can help it:):):)...


So...what I've been missing, Kenny...

Is that I just haven't understood that people were giving up on me...on themselves...always wondering when that son-of-a-bitch was going to stop...when he was going to give up...when he was going to quit...

But the truth is, Kenny...

I don't quit...

It's not in me...

I take breaks...

But I never quit (ok:):):)...I do quit trivia games when I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion:):):)...but Melissa will have her revenge, I'm quite sure:):):)...

But on the big stuff, Kenny:):):)...

I never quit:):):)...

Never...never...never...never...never...never...

I never quit:):):)...

I don't know how...

It's just not in me:):):)...

On anyone:):):):):)...

Ever...

Ever...

Osama Bin Laden may have to be killed if he threatens deadly force against someone capturing him...

But I still presume if I'm the guy charged with capturing him...that I can get him without killing him...

Being realistic, of course, that he is VERY LIKELY TO TRY TO DO SO...and STILL to try to capture him without killing him...

Because that's what America is all about...

And I believe in America...

And that's what I'm about...

And I for goddamned sure believe in me:):):)...

Thanks, Kenny:):):):):):)...I think I understand better now:):):)...

And maybe you understand how I got to where I am a little better too, now:):):):):):)...

I'll talk with you tonight, bud:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben