Are you out there?...

Dar Williams has this really great song called "Are You Out There?" that I'm thinking about this morning as I contact people I've lost contact with...after talking with a friend, I'm getting over my stupid bitterness I've harbored against my mom and finally calling her after 2 years...I haven't really harbored a lot of bitterness and anger, really...I've just not been that inspired to call her given our last conversation nearly two years ago...it's a private conversation that I'm not going to share...but, needless to say, it was upsetting to me...it lasted about 10 minutes, tops...and I haven't talked with her since...

And Brandi is back in contact with me...but she's not engaging me substantively, at this point...our communication is polite...but superficial...and I've gotten over my despair and resignation about the situation and decided to call her and see if she'll share with me what she's upset with me about:)...I think I know:)...though I don't quite understand it, really...and am genuinely open to hearing what a jerk she thinks that I've been in whatever form she would like to share that:):)...I'll take poetry:):):)...but I imagine she's kind of angry:)...and I know after various periods of silence with Brandi in the last couple of years:):):)...that, without reservation or questioning, anymore:):):):):):)...

That I FAR PREFER fighting and anger to silence:):):)...which leaves me feeling so sad that I can't even get to know her anger (or anyone's anger, for that matter:)...that instead she would just shut me out:):)...

So:):):)...in honor of those contacts and two more I'm trying to make with a friend of mine, Devang, who I didn't call back out of exhaustion some time back and want to be in contact with:):):)...and with my friend, Ned, who's written some emails that I felt a little overwhelmed with, at the time:):):)...but that I need to return:):):)...

I'm dedicating this post to Dar Williams:):):)... and her beautiful song, Are You Out There:):):)...which...on her most recent live album:):)...she dedicates to free speech radio (radical radio...that you hear "comes in really crackly into the bedrooms of suburban teenagers":):):):):):):):)...

The song implicitly asks and answers the question...

Are you out there?...

Is anyone listening to all of this?...

Am I reaching anyone?...

And Dar answers in the song...

"I was out here listening all the time"...

And it's a question I ask myself, right now:)...

Wondering...

Are you out there?:):):)...

I can only hope:):):)...

It's a great song:):):):):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben