Here I was saying that I never give up...

...and then I have a night like last night...

I need to learn how to be a wallflower, I think...I am just like this everpresent lightning rod for everthing that is going great and that is controversial and conflict at work...

I had a friend act like an asshole, I thought, last night...which is a trend that's gotten much worse since I've known him...which is much of why it was/has been pissing me off so bad...this is the same friend whom I thought things were resolved with in the earlier post on my work...

I told him if he was going to be an asshole...then he could put the heavy-ass steel commercial doors that we were loading by himself...

Another friend thought that I had overreacted and took up for my first friend...the second friend is not the most calm, thoughtful, constructive person in the world, let's just say...

And when things had finally died down and the first friend and I seemed to be doing better...

The second came around...talking shit...when I'm already pretty pissed about the first situation...and trying to just chill out...

So second friend and I hash it out...but not so friendly...and second friend is always trying to figure how many steps in a conflict with me before he gets to crack my skull...or at least he talks a lot of smack on the issue...

And...in the meantime...I get to look like the asshole to stand up to what I thought was bullying and bullshit on both of their parts, at different points in the night...

I wonder how much self-respect goes for these days on the market?...

Because noone seems to value mine, at all in my life, except for me...so I'm not sure if I really need it or not...

And a lot of people would definitely feel better about me if I'd learn to just roll over and take it up the ass without making so much fuss about it...

I'm caught in this really fucked up catch 22...and I think I'm the only one who cares at all about what bullshit that is...

And not enough people seem to take enough notice that our productivity -- our tier count, as we call it -- was way down, last night, relative to previous nights...and totally absorbed by a bunch of utterly useless fighting...

And the crazy part is...

I don't think anyone really gives a shit how it impacts productivity or not...

I think most folks are just interested in being right...right or wrong, really...and about reinforcing every assumption and initial judgment that they've ever had...

And to just believe that the fact that I'm such a nice guys is because I'm a pussy...and that I would be better suited to sewing or some such career...

And no matter how many times I stand up to these sons of bitches...I'm always both the asshole and the pussy...

Because it is just so goddamn impossible for them to even CONSIDER that they might just be wrong about what will improve our productivity...

And because their pissing streams are bigger than their brains...fuckin' morons...

Why do I even bother, I wonder?...

I don't know...

Love,
Ben