Wierd dream and Valerie Plame...

I just woke up...I had this really crazy dream...

I met up with Brandi for the first time in a long time...and kind of spent the day together...

Like my other ex-girlfriend, Jenny...Brandi had gotten all slimmed down...and hottied out...too slim...it was like this really terrible impression of someone you've really respected...

And the whole day...she keeps using the word "totalitarian," strangely...referring to people around her, like "this woman is so totalitarian"...repeatedly...and really badly...

And she's trying to score some drugs from one of the guys we meet during our day...and I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound to me like they're scoring weed...

She's distracted...and inconsiderate...

The last time I saw Brandi she almost literally didn't talk the entire time...we went to a coffee shop in Kansas City I had been to before, once, with an ex-girlfriend and a very good friend, Rachel...she ordered coffee, I imagine, since she loves the stuff, and I ordered hot chocolate or something, since I'm not a big fan...

And we sat at this table...and this girl who I could never have shut up had my life depended on it...she almost literally didn't talk the entire time...

It was really heartbreaking...

Such a crazy dream...

I don't know...I guess I've just seen so many friends get sucked into lives that are kind of meaningless in a lot of ways...maybe I'm just anticipating it with Brandi...

It's hard to maintain a more purposeful life when there are so many people to discourage you...so many of my professors, especially my advisor, who had given up on that kind of purpose quite a bit, if he ever really had it, lose some of it...Tom had it/has it, I'm sure...I'm just not sure how strongly...I can never tell...lots of people give up their sense of purpose, in part or in whole...

But something tells me that I won't find out, soon...the next time I'll see Brandi, I suspect, is when I invite her to my wedding or when she contacts me...neither of which are likely to happen soon, I don't think...

I hope the best for her, though...she is still working at the YWCA, as far as I know, in Kansas City...so she's still doing non-profit work...and business development is important work to fundraise money for such efforts...

The great thing about non-profits in the non-profit market is that either they raise money...or they don't get their bills paid...a lesson that public schools could learn, better, in the coming generation, I think...though doing so in cynical times like these has got to be something of a minor hell...

Two of Valerie Plame's CIA friends, Vincent Cannastraro and Larry Johnson, believe that the Administration outed Valerie out of spite and political revenge...

Valerie Plame's Last Day at the CIA...

...which, if true -- but still yet to be confirmed, in my mind -- would be a particularly low point in recent American politics, I think...I still give Libby and Rove the benefit of the doubt that they were trying to clarify a discussion of who sent Joseph Wilson on his trip to Niger without intent to "get" Wilson or Plame...but if that's not true...if Rove or Libby were trying to get Wilson or Plame...this is a much darker story of political ambition and how far some will go to pursue it...

But that has to be proven, first...

I don't know what I can or can't expect from the Bush Administration, unfortunately...I want to believe I could trust them...but they've played so many power games with so many people, I can't tell anymore...Democrats have as well, at this point, to be fair...so it's hard to know who you can trust in Washington, these days (maybe most days...but some days are definitely better than others...and these last 5 years or so have been a particularly bad time for all politicians in Washington, Democrat and Republican)...that doesn't bode well for them...I'm something of a best case scenario, I think, in terms of presumption of innocence...I hope, for Libby's and Rove's sakes...and for Valerie's sake...this thing didn't go down like that...because it's a shameful episode in American political history if it did...

And one that we -- including Libby and Rove, if it's true -- will rebound from...and move on:)...

I so much better understand something like this, at this point in my life...how something can be forgiveable...and still bad...I hadn't fucked anything up really badly until I was a young adult...and now that I have, and with some distance, I can see it better, now...which makes me all the more sensitive to it...and forgiving, too...in part, because I could and needed to forgive myself...and, in part, because I know just how fucked up parts of the world -- even in our own backyards -- look like when people don't/won't forgive...

And I also understand why so many young people do and would fuck up...both out of lack of experience with doing so, as was definitely my case...

But also because there's this breeding ground for it among older adults...most of whom have lost their fire, in some way...and spend an awful lot of time convincing young people that they will lose theirs, as well...or relying on young people to somehow give them their fire back...

We're all responsible for our fuck-ups...but the environment that we've created, thusfar, for that kind of situation...and serious need for it to change if we want people's behavior to change...helps me understand it, better...and forgive it more easily...until everyone learns how to do that better...and as long as people choose not to...then the big people in the world will have to carry that on their backs until the more petty people learn to carry their load...

Now that I know how petty so many people are...most people are...the prospect that they might lead the world...is both laughable...and a pretty sad, pathetic thing to imagine...

Leadership is for big people...and most people are just not up for the challenge, really...everyone wants to be important...but far fewer people want to earn it...and it's not earning it that make them not worthy of it...

Progress is like crossing the English Channel...

The English Channel...at Wikipedia...

There are lots of ways to do it...the easiest likely being swimming from Dover to Calais...

There's plenty of room to flail around in the water, while you find your way...

But, ultimately, there's only way across...

Across...

Most people in life swim the channel hoping for an easier route than the hard job of just swimming it...

But...eventually...they just have to swim it...

And, luckily...in life...the way across is broad...and always getting broader...

But that is the nature of human progress...that it makes as much room for as many people as possible...

Dar Williams is someone in the music world who has earned her place more...it's not record sales that earn your way in this world...and when you hear Dar, you'll know...when you get a chance...check her out...

For those of you in snow-covered areas:):)...enjoy the snow:):):)...

Love,
Ben