Why do I feel like such ass, lately?...

I've felt like some serious shit, lately...

I just feel so taken for granted...

I do difficult work...for no money...I can't even pay all my bills...I have a student loan bill that I can't pay, still, at this point...I and every other teacher are expected to take care of every problem in the culture that everyone else is too chicken-shit to deal with, themselves...

And only the smallest percentage of people I've talked with about this seems to take seriously as a problem...

I can't leave teaching...I signed two scholarship deals that require that I remain a special education teacher for 8 years...

So my hand is forced, all around...

And I'm thinking...

If it wasn't forced, I'd want to do a much better job...

But everyone who knows me, personally, can only talk about it in the harshest and most insensitive of terms...

Because they want to retain the right to force my hand or anyone else's hand they want to force...

Because...

No matter how much harder or smarter or whatever I work than most of these same folks...to deal with the same problems...

So now...

My growing attitude...is...

I'm just going to stop working on the same issues so hard...including at my job...the more people force my hand...

I'm going to stop working so hard at being a good son...and a good friend...and a good teacher...and a good policy writer...and a good little activist...

And whatever...

As long as people force my hand...

And I'll only give people the kind of effort and better that I gave them before...

When they get out of my fuckin' face and stop forcing my hand...

And every time someone tries to force my hand...

I'll pull back and do less work...

Every time...

Because I'm tired of working my ass off...

And having people act like they really are working as hard as me...or that they're thinking as hard as me...or that they've earned it as much...

I have a lot of friends and colleagues, right now, who are damned lucky to have my unconditional love and forgiveness...

Because most of the time...

They're not worthy of it...

Except totally as a gift my probably far too generous heart...

At this point...I'm looking to finish my Ph.D. in policy and thinking very seriously about getting out of teaching as soon as possible...I know it's my first year...but I had no clue just how badly my friends and neighbors fucked their public school teachers...

And I have no interest in being fucked any longer than I have to be fucked...

So I'm thinking very seriously about leaving the profession as soon as possible...until the situation can turn around...

And until then...I only do as much work as my hand is not forced to do...

And the more it's forced...the more you get my absolute most minimal effort...

And the more you take me for granted...

The less I'll work on your behalf...

And if I can find a way out of it...

I'll stop working for you, altogether...

Bullies are not friends...they're manipulative shitheads...

And they deserve to dropped like steaming pile of shit that they've become...

I don't know why I've cared as much as I have about my more manipulative friends...

It's pretty fucked up to find out that these are who your friends are supposed to be...

Not any more...

You bully me...

I'll get away from you as quickly as possible, from here on out...

And fuck you in the meantime...

Ben