Why'd I do all of this?...
I've finally hit an obstacle I can't get around...
My beef with the IEP process, right now...
Is that it is set up to be fairly perfunctory and meaningless...
Money drives the process...don't get the IEP's done on deadline...then you lose money...whether that serves the kid or the family, at all...
I was trying to inject something more purposeful in the process...
And two great things that have come out of that kind of seriousness brought to the process...is that two of my parents who do not normally show up for IEP meetings have committed and one has definitely shown up for the meeting...no matter how much people told me that they wouldn't show...or that I shouldn't pick up a mother of one of my students, as I did for my last meeting...
There are monetary penalties attached to veering from the way the process is set up...and it makes much of my time now, amidst the process, more perfunctory and meaningless...
Meaning...
I have very little ability, at this point -- until I find something different -- to spend some of the time I work on this really time-consuming process...doing it in a way...
...that I...nor anyone else...
...really cares too much about...
It's been the trap I've been trying to avoid since I left school...
To stop caring...or to care so much less...as so many people in life, do...
And now I've got no way around it...at least for a portion of this process (the actual meetings I will still treat purposely and substantively)...
But this part of the process...I'll have to treat perfunctoraly...because there really is no way around it...that makes any sense at all...
And...today...it helped me come to terms with the very sad fact...
That the reason I left school the way I did...
The reason that I went through all of the financial burdens that it created for me...
The reason I went through all the hell I went through for 3 years after school...
Was because I cared more about this shit, than most people do...
The school work...the policy work...the theoretical work...all of it...
I just wanted to get away to think and to do the best work, possible, without having the artificiality of university life undermining my efforts...
But I'm coming to terms with the fact that most people...
Just don't give much of a shit...
At least compared to how much I've cared...
And I just foolishly lept from a Ph.D. program...
Which would have guaranteed me more money...
Which would have guaranteed me a much easier time finding a professor's position...
Which would have guaranteed me a better connection to a fairly prestigious program...
Which would have avoided all of these bad feelings that now exist between my professors and me...which look pretty irreconcilable, at this point...
I could avoided all of that...
If I just would have cared less about what I was doing...
And now...after all this time...
Now I've hit a point in my job...
Where I have to care less...whether I like it or not...because the law demands that I care less...no matter if it supports students or limits students more or less or not...
Noone really cares, really...that's kind of the point...
What they care about...
Is meeting the deadline...
Purposely...or not...
I'm such an idiot...
I care more about my job...
I care more about my ex-girlfriend...
I care more about my friends...
I care more about my professors...
I care more about the future...
I care more about people, generally...
Than almost anyone else that I come in contact with...
And the sad, stupid, tragic irony of the whole thing...
Is that noone really gives a shit, really...certainly not about me or anything I've done...
In fact, a lot of people have spent a lot of time trying to either undermine what turns out to be my probably pretty foolish decision to leave school...just because noone really gives a shit...except my advisor...who was pretty pissed about the whole ordeal, apparently...
And I'm fucked, financially, at so many different levels I can hardly count them all, over the whole thing...
And literally not one person gives a shit...
Both about anything that I've been so passionate about...
Or about me...and about why I might take my work that seriously...
I'm such a fuckin' moron...
I should just learn to think conventionally...and look out for myself...and not give too much a shit about anyone else...
Like most people do...
It's just that I feel kind of empty inside when I do that...like I feel right now...realizing what a fuckin' sucker I feel like, right now...
The kids don't care...
The teachers don't care...
My professors don't care...
And none of my friends or family really care...
The way I do...down deep...even when I'm not feeling it in the immediate moment...like right now...
I should have just gotten into insurance and banking...
And not really given much of a shit...
And learn to look out for myself, better...
And had I done that...
Brandi might not have sped away like she did...
And I might not feel so goddamn lonely without someone to care about anything in this godforsaken world like I do...
I feel like a goddamn fool, is what I feel like...
Which has to be refreshing to an awful lot of folks...who could have told you that I was a goddamn fool a long time ago...
It's so discouraging to find that almost noone really cares about whether they have the best ideas or not...
And only about whether they get their own way...
But that does seem to be the world that we live in...
I've got an IEP to finish up...
I've got this foolish fucked up life I've made for myself to consider...
Have a good night, everyone...
Love,
Ben
5 comments:
It's not true that no one cares, Ben. Stop being a drama queen ;)
You will find no matter where you go that some people will care about the rules and regulations and some people will care about results. There are detail people and there are big picture people. Clearly you are a big picture person.
However... the world needs both kinds of people. The big picture people look for where we're going and why, and project our future into a 3-D that we can imagine and dream. The detail people make sure that we get there more or less intact.
Yes, a lot of the process of getting there seems tedious, routine and perhaps even meaningless. However, bear in mind that we are in a state of change.
So... instead of being down on the road we're on and complaining about the blisters on your feet.. try instead inspiring us with your vision. Show us where we want to be, sow seeds of inspiration, and plant ideas big and small amongst your colleagues. Not every idea will take root, but some will.
Be patient. Education didn't get where it is overnight. Remember, as much as we need the detail people to keep us from sliding backwards, we also need the big picture people to guide us and inspire us along new paths.
*hugs* It _does_ get better. It really, really, really does.
Yeah...I just think I was kind of a moron, SBPBJ...I really kind of fucked myself, financially...I'll be fine, long term, I think...but I kind of fucked myself, for now...not something that positive thinking is going to erase, I don't think...
I'll take the good with the bad...and just have to know better for next time...
Most people don't give nearly enough of a shit, I don't think, SBPBJ...most people hold themselves to a very low standard of thought about most things...
Which is why a lot of stupid policy choices get made...to appease people who really have no clue about what they're doing...
My situation will be fine, long term, I'm sure...live and learn...
Humanity, on the other hand, I have my doubts about, most days...because they're just not too bright, I'm afraid...and that has consequence and will continue to until they take getting smarter more seriously...
Ben
Who cares if you like the IEP process (whatever it is)or not? Do your job and then focus on the kids!
Shelly is right - you create all this drama and it distracts you from making the difference you want to make. You say you have your doubts about humanity - YOU are part of that. It's not too bright to fight a school process that is ingrained for some lofty goal and then leave your frustration out on everyone.
You draw to you whatever you put out. The universe gives you what you want. Love or aggravation - it's up to you.
The complaints are getting tiring.
Apparently, Anonymous, I must be putting out a lot of aggravation, judging from your comments...
I appreciate your concern for the kids and for me...I do think you're missing the point, entirely, which is that the IEP process must change to serve both of us, better...but thanks for your input:):):)...
You can't change anything, Anonymous, if you're always satified with it...you gotta love...and you gotta work for change, as well, if it's going to happen...and I vent my frustrations with the obstacles to constructive change, for good reason...
But I will be changing it...with a lot of time, effort, and an awful lot of care for my students...
Good luck with your endeavors:):):)...
Ben
hence Take a piece of me
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