Things I expect out of life

There's that list of things that we all know is the stuff that we all will never feel quite right about the world until our expectations are met. Today, I was talking about some of those expectations with friends, and I thought I should share them.

1) I expect a world where people get treated and rewarded decently, fairly, humanely and where everyone's most basic, urgent, and deepest needs are met, getting met, or help is on the way.

I know this doesn't happen today. I know every excuse that cynics have for why it can't happen. I don't give a shit. I expect this kind of world, and until I see it and until the world sees it, we're always going to know that the world is raw deal. And the more it's a raw deal, the more that cynicism and all the worst as well as all the more innocuous consequences that result from that cynicism become reality and often get worse before they get better.

2) I expect an apology (and some sense of their remorse, at least) from people who have sold me out, wronged me, or otherwise hurt me in some significant way that has seriously interrupted our relationship, as much as possible. I expect me to give apologies when they are due, as much as possible. And I expect that everyone who owes apologies to offer them to those they are due to.

Brandi and her abandonment of my closest friendship comes to mind immediately, here. My mom didn't live in the same town with me and had little contact with me after I was 12, and has kind of been a vindictive bitch, at times, much of my life. I have some grad school profs and an advisor who really let me down for reasons that I understand but which still has created significant distance in our relationships. I have two bosses who fired me arbitrarily that I'll probably never seen again (one has already apologized). I have two youngest siblings, a brother and a sister, who come to mind (unless they have a good reason to cut off communication that I don't know about and/or can't think of, can come up with a great excuse for cutting off communication or they can grow up -- they're both pretty young -- whichever comes first). And I am tired of the million compromises I have to make with people who can't learn to grow up and be decent and responsible because its the right thing to do.

3) I expect people to be responsible for their bullshit.

Bitterness, hate, repressed anger, control issues, pettiness, etc. I expect people to let that shit go. And when they can't, to expect to be ignored until they do. I expect people to forgive. And when they won't, I expect them to be loved and accepted for their weakness and fragility, but not to have their weakness and fragility to be confused with real strength. I expect people to have priorities based on what really matters in life and not just based on what really matters in their own personal lives. I expect people to pitch in and help out with important matters of life. I expect people to pitch in and help out with all the thinking and brainstorming and other hard work that comes with solving most of life's most serious problems. I expect people to be more honest, more open, and more real. And I expect that when they are not more honest, open, and real, that life will be just as much of a fucked up mess as it often is today.

4) I expect that people will at least see through other peoples' bullshit and lying to themselves and others, even if they have a hard time seeing through their own.

Much of how fucked up our perception and understanding of social reality is is based on how much we lie and hide what we're really thinking. To ourselves. To one another. And the ways that these lies overlap and fuck up our ability to get more honest with one another about life so that we all have a more accurate picture of what that life looks like. All the ways we hurt one another fuck up our honest expression and honest communication, which is the big reason why we should stop fucking hurting one another all the fuckin' time since this is what kills the mutual engagement that is so central to a more honest and decent life.

And at the very least, if President Bush is not going to get more honest about how much his international policy is fucking shit up and making many, many things in the world worse, at the very least, the rest of us should be able to look at his fuck-ups (most of which too many of us have cheerleaded with far too much enthusiasm) and say, "Hey, you're fucking shit up." I was in a similar situation, recently, when the classes I teach were having problems and we needed some changes in course. People didn't know quite what to say to me to get things moving in a better direction. But they did know to tell me that shit was not looking good. And that's a good instinct, even when it is less than ideal in its expression.

We lie to ourselves and one another all the fuckin' time. It is the persisent fuck-up of humanity that has fueled and maintained so much of our own destructiveness towards one another and toward ourselves. And if that cycle is to end, we are going to have to get more honest.

I very much understand that that is easier said than done. I, for one, have many things to come cleaner on in my life which I have tried to be as honest as I felt safe to be honest about in my life. And I want, personally, and for us, as humanity, to get more honest with ourselves and with others about life. But it will take less aggression, less hurtfulness, less punishment, less destructiveness and less self-destructiveness to get us there, as well as some courage. I've shown a lot of courage, I think, but I'm not a fool. And we are going to need a lot more courage and to create a lot less fear so that we don't all have to be Jesus Christ or Martin Luther King or Ghandi and give our lives or sacrafice ourselves to move humanity forward when it's in the kind of rut that it's in today (and always has been, really, but with more opportunity to correct our course).

5) I expect that a world where I can trust people more and where I'm not always looking over my shoulder wondering who I have to fear today. I expect people to know the difference between a better world in that direction and a worse world in the direction of more fear, control, punishment, and force and to help turn us all in the better direction. Fear, control, punishment, and force will not move us in a direction of less fear and more trust. Clearly the contrary is true, to anyone not lost in their bullshit on this one.

We undermine the social fabric the more we turn ourselves against one another. We undermine our sense of trust and community the more we try to scare people into submission rather than appealing to their consciences. Every law that gets passed that assumes bad faith on my part, every arbitrary imposition that assumes that I don't care, every effort to clamp down on my freedoms on the arrogant notion that someone knows better than I do is a tear in that social fabric and in a more authentic sense of trust and community. Every time anyone proposes to force me to do a goddamn thing other than, in the moment, to not be physically destructive towards others they undermine the kind of more authentic trust that is the only path forward for humanity.

Every time we work more out of fear than out of hope, we tear at that social fabric. And right now, it's in tatters. Because we've all taken it so much for granted.

And if we want that to change, we have to change course in a direction that takes seriously our responsibility to strengthen and more genuinely secure that social fabric. Guns and weapons and armies and police are all important for securing our basic safety needs. But they cannot substitute for the strong relationships and love and self-actualization that is needed to more authentically strengthen and secure our lives and our futures.

Every time we lie to ourselves and to one another about our need to love one another and be more honest with one another and be more decent with one another and be more equitable with one another and respect each others' freedom and choices and to just be better with one another...

Every time we do that, we make our lives and our neighbors' lives shitier.

And we need to cut that shit out if we want the world to get better.

And we need to start being the people that we know we want to be and can be, if we give our hearts and minds to that cause.

Those are 5 expectations I have for life. I just want to put
them out there. If people don't live up, then so be it. But that's my expectation, whether people (myself included) choose to live up to that expectation or not. But they are expectations that would significantly improve our lives and our futures, whether we choose to think about that and face up to that fact of life or not.

I am tired of all of the fear and the pain in my life and in all of our lives. I am tired of acting like it is better than it really is or that it is less scary and painful than it really is. I am tired of the stress and exhaustion that come with threats and pressure as the means of compelling action and all of the ways that this has significantly undermined the progress of America and humanity, just as it did/has in the Soviet Union, Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Cuba, Syria, and every other force-driven regime in the world and throughout world history.

It is no mistake that the onset of humanity's most remarkable achievements occurred with the promise and fruits of liberal democratic, freer, more open and more equitable societies. Freedom and openness and equity create the space for us to do great things. So it is no mistake that our greatest leaders, thinkers, and citizens have been its strongest advocates.

If we are going to be great and to do great things, we need the freedom to fuck shit up and to make shit better. Without that freedom, we cannot be great. We will always be a petty, small species of intelligent primates too clever by half and not nearly intelligent enough to be honest with themselves or one another about their deepest needs and interests and to solve their mutual problems in light of that understanding.

What I need right now is sleep. So I'm going to go home and get some. I have grading due by Friday. But I need some sleep at this moment.

Have a great week, everyone:).

Love,
Ben