I wish I'd known enough to be mediocre

I'm a fuckin' idiot, I'm convinced these days.

I'm miserable in this job where I get continuous shit because I'm not performing miracles, making the most serious underachievers and kids who could give a shit into National Merit Scholars. I did what I believe to be advanced scholarly work at 29 that has not gotten me anywhere in life and doesn't seem poised to anytime soon as long as I am persistently out of touch with the popular political trends of the moment. I had the gall to think that intelligence and decency mattered in a world that clearly cares more about being a dick for the right cause.

I am serious sucker who believed that doing the right thing was more important than doing the self-centered or expedient thing.

And now all that idealism is coming back to bite me in my ass, as people shit all over me, constantly, in the name of rationalizing what complete and utter dicks they are.

Why couldn't I have been just your average dickhead?

I wish I'd know enough to be mediocre like everyone else.

And you know what the crazy thing is? Noone really gives a shit about these kids. Not really. And I somehow think my presence makes some kind of difference. Because I'm a sucker and because all the dickheads in the world are just smarter than me, I suppose. Either that or their just dicks. Probably the latter.

When everyone is being a dick and pretending like its all for the right reasons, it's hard not to just want to join 'em if you can't beat them.

We are such a stupid, fucked up little species sometimes. What fuckin' unredeemably arrogant morons we all are.

Why is being a mean-spirited fuckhead treated like its a noble endeavor these days?

Because of all that peer pressure. What arrogant pieces of shit we all are.

Love,
Ben