The advantage of feeling like a nobody
I've had one of the shittiest months of my life. I don't know if I can quite remember a time in my life when I was told so many things that were wrong with me. Maybe when I was a kid, when my parents were constantly fed up with me. That would explain why I felt so bad at that time.
This week I've felt like a nobody. I haven't felt like that much in my life, because my life has been so full of accomplishment, at this point.
But some people are convinced that I am wrong about something they disagree with me about and all they see in me is confirmation of their thinking that I am off my nut. And I've never been told so often just how shitty people think I am. I deal with it all the time from the kids. But hearing it from adults has me feeling like a nobody this week.
And the advantage of feeling like a nobody I realize, today, is that it reminds me how much everyone needs to feel appreciated. No matter how much or little they have to contribute to the world. Everyone needs appreciation and support. But we spend a lot of time degrading and mocking people who are nicer or more supportive. I've always been a nice guy, so I've never really known much differently. But as I get older, I realize how much people see nice as weakness rather than strength, even as they view mean with suspicion and fear.
We're all so afraid, noone can get it straight, is the truth. And 9/11 teaches us that sometimes stronger people have to take a hit before the contrast is stark enough for people to see what real weakness looks like. Real weakness is killing or oppressing innocent people for power or for a cause. Real strength is being able to take the hit, even when it never seems to want to let up.
Today is a day after a month of taking the hits that never seem to want to let up.
I volunteered to take a job that most people would not want: to take the kids struggling the most and with the worst attitudes and behavior, generally, and to be committed to their success despite all the odds. And all I've gotten is shit that I have not walked on water or worked miracles to force them to be national merit scholars and doing all of my paperwork with precise exactitude after a year on the job.
Now I see why noone wants to do this work. Why so many people drop out of it and move on to greener pastures. Because it involves people from all over the place trying to leverage for results that can only be earned and cannot be forced, even if I wanted to. People become smart because they choose to take smart seriously. That cannot be forced, no matter how much we might like to try.
And today I feel like nobody. Because nobody is ever satisfied with a damn thing I do. No matter how hard I try.
And that's how many people and kids feel without someone like me telling them what a good job they're doing, all the time, even if they aren't national merit scholars.
Now I just need to hear that, every once in awhile.
Love,
Ben
3 comments:
Hey, Dummy.
You suck.
Okay, maybe not (although I think you were a wee bit dismissive of my argument re: the Libby thing and when I have more time I might explain why).
Here's the scoop. 99.9999999% of people are so wrapped up in themselves and in their quest for validation, meaning and appreciation that they do not think past themselves about others, how others feel, or the value of others unless something compels them to do so.
Additionally, approximately 92.67% percent of the global population is stupid. Of the remaining 7.33%, at least 50% are asshats or are otherwise intolerable. So, that gets us down to 3.665% of the population who might not annoy us to near-death.
Of that 3.665%, a good 75% are part of the 99.9999999% of those wrapped up in themselves to the point of complete insulation and/or narcissism. That cuts the % of non-annoyers down to less than a tenth of a percent at any given time.
If you encounter 200 people per day, you are likely to find .18 of them who don't suck at the moment of contact. That means you'll make a decent connection with a tolerable new person about once every five or six days.
Aha, it gets worse. At any of those given moments of contact, you might be so wrapped up in yourself as to be the one wearing the shithead hat. Let's say you're super-duper and only fall into that mode half of the time... That still cuts your "dealing with someone who doesn't suck" chances down to once every 10-12 days.
And, then, some of those interactions may be of a nature that doesn't lend itself to developing any real connection with the other party. The clerk at the dry cleaner might kick ass, but if there's a long line of people and he's in a hurry, you'll never really know. So, cut your chances down by at least half again. Probably more.
So, we're down to once every 20-24 days. Now we have to account for the times we run into someone who doesn't suck and who doesn't feel as if he or she must act in a manner inconsistent with his or her true persona due to outside factors and pressures. Lop the number in half again.
So, you can expect to find someone who might actually be (a) capable of appreciating you, (b) willing to appreciate you, (c) interested in appreciating you, (d) in the mood to appreciate someone, and (e) unfettered by outside pressures about once every 40-48 days.
Oh, but there's a fifty/fifty chance they won't like you.
So, count yourself lucky if you encounter 3 or 4 people per year who appreciate you.
CONCLUSION: Count yourself lucky that no one is beating the shit out of you with an axe handle or making you stand naked on a box with electrodes on your nipples and hood over your head (although that might be up your alley, I suppose).
Appreciate yourself and when you encounter the real appreciation of others, consider it icing on life's cake.
You can be a good guy for others, but never fool yourself into thinking that will translate into other people appreciating your goodness.
Do it because you think it might make the world a better place, because it reduces the likelihood of your incarceration, because Jesus came to in a vision and told you so, because it gives you a sense of superiority or--best of all--just because it's right.
For what it's worth, I appreciate you. Now, set your timer for 96 days.
Your friend,
Carson
You are doing super!
I, for one, am grateful you have taken on the challenge of helping needy kids. They will remember you and your efforts for the rest of their lives.
There are way too many ppl out there complaining and not enough ppl DOING something to create positive change.
I salute you.
Thanks, Carson. Thanks so much, Wendy. I was both begging for a little appreciation after a fucked up month of people treating me like crap, and I'm not one to typically whine for attention. It's just been that fuckin' shitty a month. We've been in the middle of assessments, and my administrators are feeling the pressure, and they've been laying it on me and I've been wanting to quit my job in a serious way for at least a month.
I do hope you're right, Wendy, that they will remember the efforts. And I have a couple of kids who I'm sure that is true for because they've already made as much clear to me already. I have a couple of 8th graders who will not be here much longer who have given big hugs and really needed all of the affirmation and support and have made clear that they've appreciated it as they've moved on to less supportive and more challenging pastures. And that is really gratifying, because I can see how much they need to affirmation and the appreciation.
The truth is that I hold back on appreciating people more openly all of the time, often because I'm nervous about expressing it openly when they may be embarrassed by it or when they may not feel comfortable with such an intimate gesture.
But I'm learning, lately, just how incredibly important it is. I've been wanting to tell my principal for a year, at least, now, how I think she's the best principal I've ever worked with. But after all the insanity I've had to deal with here in the last month, I haven't felt like telling her that. Because, although it is still true, even with all of the shit I've been through here, recently, you never feel good about being nice to people who are treating you like shit. But I've come up with some ways to tell her without encouraging the mistreatment, I think. For both of my administrators that I've been angry with, I think. I just also needed to make clear that trying to make me feel like shit because I don't agree that you can force kids to achieve - which I'm perfectly clear that you can't, no matter how much you may pretend otherwise (people who do what they are required to, choose to do so, whether they want to acknowledge that or not) and which has unintended consequences, on the back end, of giving them all kinds of excuses for their immediate achievement and their lives for why they didn't do the things that would lead to more success in their lives - and I am tired of being blamed for kids making bad choices and adults not wanting to be honest about their bad choices and that they are their choices to make. And I think I can let my administrator know how much I appreciate them, without pretending like somehow they are right about this difference when they very clearly are not, if they had spent even one day teaching in the last 5 years, which I very much doubt either of them have (active teachers know better about this, day-to-day, even as they want to force kids' hands on other issues).
My administrators have been trying to make me feel like shit because they're theory and the popular but fatally flawed theory of leadership that is floating around these days is wrong, instead of facing a reality that would mean acknoweldging that they are wrong. They would rather just try to reinterpret the reality in a way that fits their bias then reconsider their theory. And that is beginning to give way, thankfully, even as I don't think they've given it up entirely. But I can tell them how much I appreciate their efforts without validating their bad theory, I think.
I'll think about it.
In the meantime, I appreciate the pump ups. It's been a shitty fuckin' month. I hate being scapegoated. And that has been my unofficial title for the last month, at least. And I'm tired of the title because it doesn't do a goddamn thing to make anyone's life better. Especially me:).
Thanks for the acknowledgement, Wendy. I really do appreciate it:). And thanks for the show of appreciation, Carson. It's just a shitty time, right now:). Talk with you both soon:).
Love,
Ben
P.S. Carson, I wan't trying to be dismissive of you're argument. I'm angry, right now, because I have to deal with a whole boatload of "progressive" administrators who couldn't acknowledge that their strategy is not creating progress if they're grandma's promised to bake them their favorite birthday cake if they would own up. It is very much how Richard Clarke and many liberals felt with George Bush for the longest time before he would own up. And, very soon, I hope, liberals will figure out what it's like to be George Bush. Stubborn. And wrong. And how difficult it is, sometimes, to own up for that.
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