I feel fuckin' stupid

I watched this Warren Buffet MBA discussion on Youtube, today, and it was really good for me, largely because Warren is really good at reminding people that most of the important things in life and investing are not really that complicated. And it speaks well to my pride in my intellect and what it can and cannot do for me.

And after I was done listening to a brilliant presentation, I felt really stupid. Not because Warren is so much more brilliant at allocating capital and other financial matters, which he clearly is. I felt stupid because him talking about investing and life in such down to earth terms reminded me that I have this huge flaw that is really simple but which for much of my adult life I have made more complicated than it really is. I can hardly believe that I'm about to admit it in public, because it really does go to my integrity and it's not positive.

I've spent the last year or so getting on top of being much more organized. And I am happy to say that I have done very well in that department. Much better than many of my colleagues and light-years ahead of last year.

But my still remaining most important integrity flaw (I'm sure I have many, but this is the one that is most glaring, right now) that I am embarrassed to admit is follow-through. I have so many good intentions. But often because I try to do too much, I end up falling through a lot. It got really bad at the end of the summer as I noticed it but was still pretty sensitive and defensive about it. And every new habit that I've ever wanted to learn, I found it easier to allow myself to indulge the bad habit, for awhile, before I took on the good habit and it seemed to help me let my defenses down. Today, I decided that I am tired of learning everything by hard knocks, which is what such a strategy offered me. But it worked better than anything I had tried before, so I've gone with it.

But the truth is that follow-through is not really that complicated. It does involve paring down your commitments to what you can actually do in a limited period of time. But after that, it's just doing the work. And I've often resisted and procrastinated and otherwise been kind of your average or below average fool on this count.

And tonight I feel stupid about it. Because it's kind of fucked up my life. I lost a lot of important stuff in my life over this. A relationship. A stipend. A job. The confidence of some friends and family, too, I imagine. I haven't meant to be a dick. I've just been kind of defensive about it and I'm always looking for my intellect to provide some deep, important insight to get me out of any problem, because my pride tells me that intellect matters most.

But Warren was right, today. Intellect doesn't matter most. Integrity matters most. I've just been proud about this because it's a weakness of mine and intellect is a strength. But Warren is right. Intellect is probably less important. It doesn't have to be a self-righteous commitment to integrity any more than it has to be a self-righteous commitment to intellect. That's why Warren's a good teacher on this. Because he has full confidence that anyone can take up whatever positive quality they might need to and let go of any negative quality they might need to and it doesn't have to involve a life full of worry and regret.

But regret I still have. I lost the stuff that mattered most to me over this. My relationship with Brandi and my relationship with some professors that I learned a lot from and cared a lot about. And I don't like letting people down.

I don't know. I just feel kind of stupid over it.

I probably lost Brandi to a better guy, is the truth. I've just been so defensive about my own faults. And that makes me feel stupidest of all.

Anyway. I guess it's a way that I can relate with my kids. But, really, I just want to get over it and be a better man without all of the self-righteous or defensive hubbub that goes with that.

I'm tired of learning all my lessons the hard way. I don't know why I get so defensive, but I do. I imagine because the defenses have been some kind of poor substitute for the real thing.

All I know is that I want more than anything to be the best I can be and the best, if possible, at what I do, and be the best man I can possibly be. And I'm know I'm tired of this shit clogging all that up.

And I feel really fuckin' stupid about this. I've spent all weekend on this flaw. It's an important flaw to face. I'm proud that I'm beginning to face it soberly. I'm disappointed that it has taken so long to do so. But such is life.

You always know a flaw of integrity, but you never feel good as long as it's there. I've had many in my life. Too many. And the only answer is to just note it, accept it, correct it, and move on. Because the defense will never substitute for the real deal. Ever.

Here's to facing our flaws honestly. And here's to a little human kindness and confidence in our ability to overcome our flaws being the surest route to helping us to face up.

Thanks, Warren.

Love,
Ben