Cowardice

Why can't people who have given up just shut up?

If you have given up on people or the world or, say, if you're a teacher and you've given up on your kids, why do you have to spend the rest of your fucking life rationalizing why you're such a shithead?

Why is it so tough for, say, a teacher, to say, "I've given up on my kids, even though it's my single most important responsibility. And I'm kind of an asshole for that. And there really isn't any excuse for why I'm such a shithead."

I am so much more down with someone who can be honest and say, "I'm really just kind of a shithead and there really isn't any excuse for it" than "I'm a shithead and the reason is because the world really is rotten, not because of shitheads like me, but because of all of the other shitheads in the world."

That latter excuse is the most common, most cowardly, and most bullshit excuse that people have for what assholes they are than any other excuse in the book.

And when you hold onto that excuse as a teacher, you really do become somewhat worthless.

Because what kid can count on a teacher or a parent or an adult in their life who says, "The reason why I've quit on you is not because I'm an asshole, but because I can see that you're going to be like every other asshole who has ever hurt me (except for me, of course).

It's so fuckin' lame and weak and small-minded and ugly.

It's the smallest kind of person to be.

And, so, if you're going to be that kind of person, why can't you just shut the fuck up and stop pretending like what you say means anything beyond your own tortured bitterness and miserable choices in life?

You want to be bitter, be bitter. But stop acting like the the people you hurt along the way all had it coming because you just had no other choice other than being an asshole. You were forced to be an asshole. It's not that you are a coward. You had to turn in those Jews. You were forced to turn in those slaves. It's not you. It's the system.

And that's why you've given up on the kids who depend upon you to believe in them.

Because you're just too cowardly to face what a shithead you have become.

I am learning that some people know no depths to their cowardice, cruelty, and pettiness. Because they are too cowardly to face their cowardice.

Cowardice is a beautiful thing. Because it always gives you somewhere to hide.

Ultimately, cowardice allows us to hide anywhere, but from ourselves.