A California Cardinal in Theodore Hoskins' Court
The Missouri Legislature lived up to its well-earned reputation of a regular gathering of notorious jackasses, recently, renaming a stretch of Mark McGwire Highway to Mark Twain Highway.
Mark Twain would get a hearty laugh, I'm sure.
Jim Caple says it better than I could in his column ways back in March about the plan.
The Adventures of Huckleberry Mac
"You don't know about me without you have driven on a road by the name the Mark McGwire Highway in St. Louis; but that ain't no matter anymore, on account the Missouri Senate voted to rename it for Mr. Mark Twain this week. They had been talking about this ever since the book "Juiced'' was made by Jose Canseco. He told the truth mainly, but there were some stretchers in his book, like him and me taking a dead cat to the graveyard and running off to be Pittsburgh Pirates and injecting syringes full of steroids into each other in a cave. But that is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Ozzie Guillen.
Anyways, the Missouri legislature named that piece of highway for me after I hit 70 big taters to break the record of 61 made by Roger Maris many years before. When I done it, reporters from all over the country took to following me around from city to city like I was the lost dauphin of France, writing stories about me being almost a god out of scripture just cuz of how I hit so many round-trippers and all. They said my circuit clouts practically saved the game, what with all the fans who been turned off before by the players' affair and the commissioner canceling the 1994 World Series and Ken Burns "Baseball'' series. The way everyone went on, it was like going to your own funeral and standing in the back of the church listening to folks who was no relation all praying and sobbing about what a wonderful soul you was and how lucky they was to have knowed you and how you made everyone everywhere happier. Not that no one could attend their own funeral, without signing with the Pirates.
The thing is, I pretty much whitewashed them all, the reporters and the fans and everybody. I was taking steroids -- just to keep healthy, mind -- but no one never cared a bit at the time. They seen how big me and my acne was and knowed I took androstenedione, but they didn't mind none. All they wanted to talk about was all them round-trippers. Fooling them was easier than an owner getting taxpayers to pay him to build him his own stadium by fibbing how it will create jobs.
Only one day, they all turned against me. All of a sudden, they decided steroids was bad and I was going to hell or jail or Kansas City for taking them. I don't know why; maybe it was the Widow Douglas stirring them up or the U.S. Congress subpoenaing me to testify. All I know is all them people who went on and on about me saving the game in 1998 when they must have knowed I took steroids now said I done ruined it. Well, I was blindsided. It was like afloating on the river, bound for Cooperstown and enjoying a smoke on a corncob pipe and watching the stars in the heavens with your best friend all peaceful like and then having a steamboat run you over and smash up your boat and leave you for dead on the river bank. Or like being a Cubs fan.
Well, I snuck off and lived alone on an island and didn't talk to no one for awhile, not even Congress. I was practically a hermit, sort of like Milton Bradley. But now I am back in baseball with my old manager, Skipper Tony, learning his Cardinals how to hit. But I will take a blood oath (which is different than a blood test) that I won't have nothing to do with those steroids anymore. I learnt my lesson. I just think maybe I can give something back to baseball after all it gived me. And maybe I can make people remember that I wasn't such a bad egg after all. That I was friendly and helped kids and made people feel happy and hit 49 home runs as a rookie before I was on the juice.
I certainly ain't doin' this for the money. Thanks to all them taters I hit, I got more money than a body could tell what to do with, lessun he had a vengeful ex-wife and bad judgment, which was definitely the case with Canseco. That is why he wound up doing time in jail and appearing on reality shows. I don't know which was worse, though if I had to guess I would say boxing one of the ex-"Partridge Family" kids is about as low as a player can sink. Without it was ratting on your teammates in a book.
I also hope the state House votes to not change the highway name. It seems to me that if you name a road for someone, you shouldn't a go and change it without he does something real low down and despicable. I mean, Pete Rose still has a street named after him but that's a story for another book entirely."
The Missouri Legislature has obviously never read any Mark Twain. The man's whole life was dedicated to getting people to accept themselves for their failures, not rub their noses in it.
It's like having a Stone a Prostitute Fundraiser for Jesus. It makes no goddamn sense. Except to anybody with no goddamn sense.
The Missouri Legislature should consider changing the name of the Three Stooges Highway to the Missouri Legislature Highway. It's a more appropriate switch.
And would better acknowledge the Legislature's appreciation for the legacy of their favorite son. Both of them.
And the ever shortening distance between their heads and their posteriors.
10 comments:
I'd take McGwire's name off the highway. If they had a John Wayne Gacey Freeway in Illinois because the guy was such a sweet-ass clown, you know they would've renamed it after finding dead kiddos in the crawlspace.
What? McGwire didn't kill kids? True. But he still sucked big and juiced. That's not a reason to toss him in the joint (though I think a Sammy Sosa/Mark McGwire are cellmates thing could make a good sitcom), but it's reason enough to rip his name off a sign or two.
Besides, baseball *is* special. I don't care what you say. It is. That's why I was in favor of a drunk Mickey Mantle getting special placement on a liver transplant list. He was Mickey F'ing Mantle.
I wouldn't have named it after Twain, though. Half of Mizzou is already named after Twain and I doubt he would be really stoked about that in the first place. The other half, by the way, is named after Harry Truman who probably would've liked it.
No, I'd name it after Mark Littell, the 70s Royals reliever. He was from some tiny town in SW Missouri. He was a half-decent ballplayer. He never juiced. He made the smart half of the state cry like babies when he let Chris Chambliss take him yard in the 76 playoffs, so this could be a moment of redemption.
Oh, and he mainly gets the prize because after he quit playing he invented a new kind of cup. Not a drinking cup, a testicular cup. For ballplayers. It's the "Nutty Buddy" and it is apparently a fine product.
It's so fine that Littell will let teenaged girls feed balls into a pitching machine that's ten feet away from him, firing fastballs into his Nutty Buddy-clad crotch to prove its effectiveness. You can look it up. Youtube is polluted with videos of this crazy MO dude taking nut-shots.
Oh, and the Nutty Buddy marketing campaign is like a parody of lockerroom humor, but is actually quite sincere. The different sizes all have names celebrating the ostensible massiveness of the wearer's package and the copy is full of crazy ball slang. See the link w/ my sig.
Mark Littell Highway.
Beats McGwire any day.
F-ing juicer.
Yeah, I don't want ballplayers juicing either, Carson. But there just is something more important at stake in this debate than baseball, frankly.
It's whether we're going to pretend like this all going better than it is. Whether we've really cleaned up baseball. Whether ostracizing your best players really has saved the game. Whether this really isn't about the drug war. And whether we're going to pretend like the drug war is working just fine and dandy. And whether the good guys in that war are the guys who are loyal to their friends or the ones who sell them out.
Mac doesn't sell out his friends in an era where everyone was taking out after everyone. So he's a hero to me in a way that baseball just couldn't even touch.
And the idea that Conseco or the commissioner or Congress or anyone here are the heroes and Mac isn't is just kind of laughable to me. And to a shitload of his fans, it appears.
Cheaters, on any other question, take some kind of penalty within the game. They don't become pariahs.
And Twain was just right. Treating people like that is not just bullshit and hypocritical and perpetuating a big fat lie about who we all really are. It's bad for us. It makes things worse, not better.
Hence, the current period, more broadly. Where nothing goes right and noone takes responsibility.
And we're all supposed to pretend like everything's going hunky dory and the folks who orchestrate it are the ones we're supposed to look up to.
It's a sham. Which was Twain's point. And he was right.
As a matter of baseball, Bonds, and McGwire and Sosa (and Floyd Landis and probably Lance Armstrong and Tiger Woods), shouldn't be taking steroids, I don't think. Not because I think there's something earth-shatteringly wrong with steroids, because I don't. I think there's a very good argument to be made that steroids are like a million other ways that we have enhanced play, when used in ways that do not endanger athletes' health. I think the real danger is that kids take them up (which already are, regardless) and abuse them. And I think athletes and all of the rest of us need to set a better example that there are things more important than winning.
That's the real issue underneath all of this shit. And noone wants to take responsibility for the fact that we're all responsible for that one, with all of the crazy, impossible expectations we create for ballplayers (and just celebrities, generally, that we don't have for ourselves).
And one of those things that's more important than winning, whether all the bullshit sanctimony on this question wants to acknowledge it or not, is loyalty to your friends.
Outside of that, this is yet one more of a million ways that we have taken our sanctimony on such questions way too seriously and pretend like it's the only reasonable opinion on the matter, which is clearly isn't, on this matter as well as a million others.
And, at this point, the more the various folks that use the rhetoric of "rules" to justify whatever opinion they have on whatever matter, no matter its real merits, the less I trust them or even care what their opinion is, frankly. And that is more true of people who exercise authority, not less. And that is more true today than yesterday. And that is more true of anyone and everyone who has tried to play that bullshit game today than before. And that is clearly the trend in the country, as well.
And everyone is welcome to keep moving along playing la-di-da pretending that it doesn't matter.
But it does. And its consquences are playing out in spades, no matter how much people don't want to take responsibility for it. And no matter how much MLB and Congress clearly fucked up this issue as they have every other issue by bringing the hammer down and shutting down reasonable discussion and dissent on the question.
And I don't really give two fucks what they have to say on the matter anymore, until that shit gets cut out.
Mark McGwire is still the greatest home run hitter of all time, juice or no juice.
And if everyone wants to find a way to resolve that question with no juice, then they better get off their comfortable little sanctimonious perches and find a way that might actually get us there. Because this ain't it. They're still juicing. I guarantee you. Just as surely as I can guarantee you that celebrities are still cheating on their wives post-Tiger. Just as surely as I can guarantee you that juicing jsd gotten worse in sports post-Ben Johnson, not better. And they'll keep juicing as long as we take this approach. And so those dumbasses who run this thing just spoiled your special little game and will continue to spoil it, until they face the fuck up.
Listening to Congress and MLB on this issue has been like listening to teachers pretend like if you punish kids for not talking about gang activity then they won't still be actively involved in gangs and that, somehow, that's less important than talking about gangs and persuading the kids to find a better life. It's just kind of moronic, after a while, with how much people get steeped in their own bullshit.
We've got to cut this shit out, Carson. Because it's clear as fucking day made everything worse, not better.
And if we can't, I say, get used to it being worse. All in the name of the pride of not being able to face up to the goddamn failure. Soviets did it for 70 years. And that seemed to work out fine.
Twain was right on these questions. And the whole goddamn 21st century world is just wrong. Period.
And if they don't like that, they might take some time to learn the goddamn lessons and stop pretending like they have it more figured out than they do.
And if he were alive today, I'm sure he'd get a serious chuckle out of the fact that people worship him so much without clearly having understood a goddamn word he said.
After awhile, the stupid just outstrips any amount of strange that could be possible in fiction.
Actually, I take that back, Carson. If there's a healthy way to juice, I don't have a problem with it, for adults or kids.
I do think the fundamental issue is setting the example, for real, that there are more important things than winning.
But that's really where MLB, it's fans, Congress, and everyone with authority on this thing have really fucked up royal. And until they face up on that, fewer and fewer people are likely to listen to them.
They've lost me, completely, at this point.
The more I thought about it, Carson, the more I realized that kids will be taking these steroids, no matter what we do. And we're better off talking with them about it and having an honest discussion to cultivate honest conscience on the matter rather than pretending, once again, that sanctions equal better behavior.
I was thinking about it on the way in, Carson.
About what would actually make a difference if there was ever a hypothetical point at which we stopped bullshitting and took our heads out of our asses and actually wanted to end the juicing and not just posture for our own self-centered purposes.
And this is what it would look like, I think.
Owners get together with managers and teams and say:
"You know, we clearly have a real problem, here, with the steroids. We can all sit and have a million debates about whether people should be able to do it or not and whether it's really all that bad and whether those guys would hit those homeruns without the juice or not and whether any of that really matter since it's clearly against the goddamn rules and all the that."
"We could sit and have that debate till the fuckin' cows come home."
"But we would all know, at some level, that's it's call kind of bullshit. Because what's behind all of that is that we have all clearly lost track of the game and what it means to people. What it means to kids and families who come watch the game. What it means to our kids. And how this whole goddamn mess has made it more messy and dirty for everyone to just come out here and have a good time."
"The truth is that we all lost track of this game a long time ago. We got too wrapped up in winning at all costs. That's why people juice, obviously. Nothing wrong with winning. Winning's an important part of the game. But it's not the most important part of the game. Playing a clean game. Having a good time. Making it a good time for everyone involved. Knowing everyone's getting paid, as long as they're performing. Any of us might get cut or stop getting paid to play this game. But remembering that, at the end of the day, this is just a game. And that there are things more important than this game. Like being better role models to kids watching us and trying to figure out how they can make it to the majors one day. And then putting them at risk when they take too much of this junk and screw themselves up."
"There are some of you who aren't going to care and going to take your risks anyway. But the truth is that it makes the game harder for everyone to enjoy. Including us."
"Maybe that ought to change. Maybe the rules on steroids ought to change. Who knows? We can keep talking about that."
"But, in the meantime, we oughta cut out the bullshit. Because there's kids and families who want to come here and have a good time and not have to have this dirty cloud hanging over the game."
"If you juice, in spite of everything I said, here, today, you'll deal with what you deal with, if you're caught. But the bottom line is that we need to clean things up to make this a game people can enjoy watching together again without this cloud hanging over the whole thing."
"It's supposed to be fun, goddamnit:). So let's make it fun, again. Fuck Congress and the press and all the rest. And go have a good time. Win some games. Enjoy the game."
And here's the bottom line for me, on this one, Carson. If Congress or the press or all the rest couldn't here that message and say, "That sounds about right," then they really are full of shit. And this wasn't really ever about the game, at all. It was about self-righteous grandstanding all along. Which is what I suspect it is anyway.
And if they couldn't have a change of heart out of that, or some similar discussion, then it's clearly not just the ballplayers that are fucking up. It's everyone who's lost perspective and takes the winning and the game too seriously. And uses this game for their own purposes and don't really just want to go and have a good time.
And, at that point, who really gives a shit, honestly?
And, at least then, everyone could get honest that they don't really give a shit about enjoying the game and taking some time to chilll and have a good time and having some perspective on life.
What they really give a shit about is taking out players, who really do love the game, hence their success, who are head and shoulders above anything they ever could do in their entire lifetimes. For a million fucked up reasons that have not a goddamn thing to do with loving the game. All to benefit their own egos and their own career ambitions and all kinds of fucked-up-ed-ness that really could give two shits about the game.
And the truth is that if the game really were like that, and the cynicism really was so down-deep rotten in the game.
I'd just find something else to do with my family.
Because why the fuck would I want my kids around that kind of bullshit?
I love the game, is the truth. But I don't love it so much that I'll destroy everyone in the wake of that.
Baseball needs to restart. But what we've been doing not only won't do that, it's the single most serious thing in the way of doing that outside of the players still juicing.
And the whole goddamn thing is people taking the whole thing - the game, the winning, the politics, everything - too goddamn seriously. And not just being able to find a way for everyone to cut out the bullshit and just enjoy playing and watching the goddamn game.
Which reminds me. We should find a home game for our lovable losers, when we get a chance. Colorado, Texas, and LA are coming up. St. Louis and Toronto in June or July might be good for reliving the glory days. Or Detroit or Minnesota might be good for the current race. Nice to see these guys win a couple in a row, every once in awhile.
If you're interested, let's figure out something that will work for both of us. I'm wide open, at this point.
Ben
I could write a book--maybe two--about this. There are few things I have really thought about as much as baseball. That may be sad, but it's true.
I will save these various gems of wisdom for a game at the K. We should do this soon. I'd like to make it a noon-weekend night game, how about you?
Tickets and parking are on me. Beer and copious quantities of mystery meat ground into tapered cylinders of yumminess with mustard are on you.
Prepare for me to wax philosophical for some time. You will only be able to shut me up if you buy me off with nachos.
In the end, I think you're both very, very right and a little wrong. *I* would take Mac's name off the highway. Then again, *I* wouldn't have put it up there in the first place.
The fact that it was put up there and is now being taken down is a little different than never doing it in the first place, though.
And I am going to stop this comment in a moment. Otherwise, you're gonna hear about Jim Rice's wrists, George Foster hitting 50, Jim Bouton, Dock Ellis, why I wouldn't be surprised if Selig happened to give Mac a shot in the ass before kissing it, why the late Rod Beck did more to save baseball for me than Sammy "Flintstone Vitamins" Sosa, the Gaylord Perry exception, Joe Jackson, Babe Ruth, the WP Kinsella book no one ever read and how I realized that the Bash Brothers have made the new and improved Alberto Callaspo as worrisome as he is interesting.
Plus other stuff relating to the national pastime and the (mis)management of Ewing Kauffman's once proud ballclub.
I will drop you an email with a few proposed dates for a voyage into Mizzou for some MLB action.
Sounds good, Carson. I wrote you about details.
You know what the real irony about that Mark Twain renaming is? In addition to all the crazy shit I'm sure that asshole was guilty of in his life?
Twain was a confederate for a brief time at the beginning of the war. Lots of problems with juicing. But I don't know if any of them compare to sedition or fighting for the side defending slavery.
But that's the reason I like Twain. His outlook on that period and on everything just doesn't fit nicely in easy narratives like "Union, good. Confederates, bad." Even as he was squarely in the camp of slavery bad, racism bad.
I think I've squared myself, as of late, Carson, that when I look at any situation, I care about the people more than any particular position. And what will do the most long term good for people. And I'm pretty clear, at this point, that our failure to do that is responsible for about 99% of our problems. No matter how many excuses we make about that.
Two things I know, at this point:
1) If we fail to come to terms with that fact - that not caring enough to really understand what people are thinking and feeling is what fucks most situations up - then we are irrevocably fucked on just about anything we might take up. Except insofar as we let people who we know for sure give a shit about any person's situation -themselves - the freedom to figure it out for themselves.
2) If we fail to do that, we are in for a shitload of unnecessary tragedy and disappointment in the world. Mac's name taken down from that highway doesn't really rank high on that list. Though everyone shitting all over him and Tiger and everyone else sure does, as far as I'm concerned, no matter how badly they fucked up. I really don't care what anyone else says. You ask me if I'd rather have my kids ask for Mac's autograph or any member of Congress, I'll take Mac any day. I wouldn't be disappointed if they asked for Barack's autograph, necessarily. But I couldn't even come close to jumping for joy for it, anymore. I just don't like that business, anymore, I suppose. Too much self-righteous and pointless manipulation and lying and people pretending like it isn't what it is. And the sanctimony with nothing really to show for me makes me a little nauseous, at this point.
I guess I'm just a little disappointed with the world, at this point. It's not that it can't get better. It's that people stubbornly refuse to do so. And the people dishing it out are generally more guilty than the rest on that count.
I'm with Twain. I'd rather live with Eve on the outskirts of that bullshit image of Eden, than live without her on the inside.
Thank god for writers, I suppose. Because, otherwise, I'm not sure I'd have any heroes, at all.
Nobody on this thing comes out a winner, as far as I'm concerned. And certainly not the Missouri legislature.
Just an awful lot of folks constantly plucking splinters. Meanwhile no beams ever get removed, as long as there's someone else to focus on.
Twain wins. We all lose. And, as long as things continue down this path, we all just keep losing till we face up.
Pretty fuckin' sad comment on us, I'd say. I just hope there's something worth laughing about at the end of all this.
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