This kid's got talent

Jamie Cullum. Hot damn.



Love,
Ben

The ugliness that America has become

This is an ugly time in America.

All the hate and the self-righteousness and the bullying and the thoughtlessness. It's on the left. And on the right. Liberals who hate conservatives. Conservatives who hate liberals. So they strong-arm and they leverage and they bully and they force each others' hands.

It is the same rationalization used by Al Queda and Hamas and Hezbollah and the Taliban. It's the same rationalization used by Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Fidel Castro and Hu Jintao.

And, at this political moment, America and the world are using that rationalization to leverage in political disagreements that need more understanding and, instead, create more hate and enmity.

What is so ugly about it is that it is taken so seriously as some kind of substitute for more engaged, substantial debate, discussion, and understanding.

We know we should be behaving better. It's just easier and more momentarily convenient for us to behave with more swagger and bluster than it is to think and engage and understand more.

Bobby Kennedy's words the day after the assassination of Martin Luther King are as appropriate during this period of polarization and political struggle over a difficult and unpopular war as they were during a similar period when he offerred us these words.

"When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered.

We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers.

Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence.

We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge.

Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution.

But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again."

Al Queda to the West: We know how to use force, you fuckin' pussies

Al Quaida: Bounty on Swedish Cartoonist

"'We are calling for the assassination of cartoonist Lars Vilks who dared insult our Prophet, peace be upon him, and we announce a reward during this generous month of Ramadan of $100,000 for the one who kills this criminal,' the transcript on the Web site said.

The al-Qaida leader upped the reward for Vilks' death to $150,000 if he was 'slaughtered like a lamb' and offered $50,000 for the killing of the editor of Nerikes Allehanda, the Swedish paper that printed Vilks' cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad with a dog's body on Aug. 19."

"Al-Baghdadi added in his message that if the 'crusader state of Sweden' didn't apologize, his organization would also attack major companies.

'We know how to force you to retreat and apologize and if you don't, wait for us to strike the economy of your giant companies including Ericsson, Scania, Volvo, Ikea, and Electrolux,' he said."

One thing you gotta say for Al Queda. At least when they say that they believe in a governing philosophy of force, they mean it.

The West needs to shit or get off the pot. Do you believe in force as a governing philosophy or not?

Because this is what it looks like. We should all be proud of ourselves.

Love,
Ben

Some welcome humility

David Ignatius has some welcome humility in today's Washington Post, which is the stance that everyone should be taking, right now, if arrogance wasn't such a popular position, right now.

How This Ends

I have to say, right now, that if Hillary Clinton wins this election on a platform of political cowardice and self-righteous grandstanding, I will lose faith in this system, for awhile.

I've already lost faith, is the truth. Politics is the refuge of the coward. It is the hiding place for every impulse we have to abdicate responsibility. And no matter how much policies and ideologies fail, there are always apologists to keep them in place, no matter how much damage they do.

You know how much I want to vomit every time I hear someone try to vault the totalitarian government of China to superpower status out of their cowardice toward aggressive leftist political impulses, right now? You know who says shit like "China is the most serious challenger to American power"?

Cowards. People who don't know what it's like to lose their lives or their freedom challenging a totalitarian dictatorship.

And on behalf of every democracy activist in China who has lost their lives or freedom and every Iraqi who has lost their lives in the name of freedom from their totalitarian leader, I just want to offer a big "fuck you" to every liberal activist taking up for those dictators in the name of their own domestic hegemony.

People like these Iraqis:

"Petraeus and his team understand, too, that this war is about people -- and helping them one by one to break the cycle of intimidation. When I asked Col. H.R. McMaster, a key Petraeus adviser, to name a turning point in Anbar, he cited the day in February when al-Qaeda deposited at a Ramadi hospital an ice chest containing the severed heads of the children of several sheiks who had been cooperating with the United States. Rather than submitting to this barbarous act, the enraged sheiks deepened their alliance with the U.S. military."

And on behalf of those Iraqis, who have suffered unspeakable tragedy in the name of having some sort of democratic alternative to the brutal dictatorship of Saddam Hussein and the barbarous violence of Al Queda, I say to those liberal activists and the Democratic Party, right now, who are in overdrive in their efforts to undermine the defense of such people, congratulations on your domestic political victories you selfish, cynical fuckheads.

Too much cock-sure and bullying ideologists in the world, today. Some of them brutal and deadly.

It's nice to read a little humility every now and then.

Love,
Ben

A touch of sanity

Every once in a blue moon, I read some sanity on criminal justice policy.

The Economist, this week, has one those of those moments.

Lock up your sons and daughters

"The figures on the under-tens, unearthed by the BBC, have led some to call for the age of criminal responsibility to be lowered in order to let the little monsters feel the force of the law. In fact this age is already near the bottom in Britain. Most of Europe does not prosecute offenders younger than 14 to 16, and elsewhere in the world the watershed comes as late as 18. Scotland's limit is just eight years old, but its system means that few under-16s face court anyway.

For those whose houses have been daubed with graffiti, the age for prosecution cannot be too low. But hawks should beware. 'A court appearance can, in certain cases, confirm an adolescent's deviant identity both in their own eyes and those of others,' argues Rob Allen, a former member of the Youth Justice Board (YJB). Research from Edinburgh University found that children who had contact with a Children's Hearing—Scotland's version of a youth court—were three times more likely to be convicted as adults than young offenders who had not. 'The deeper you get pulled into the system, the worse the outcome,' says Lesley McAra, one of the study's directors. Solving problems informally is more effective, she says."

Makes me think that, perhaps, the world has not gone completely around the bend.

Love,
Ben

Who me? Couldn't be.

I have to say, the more Hillary and Obama pressure for withdrawal, the better Rudy looks as a candidate. When you run to your left during an election year, you better hope the electorate is running with you. But the most recent poll I just saw on the war - with stronger support for sticking it out - indicates that perhaps the Democrats are overreaching.

Either way, they don't deserve the power.

And I'd rather deserve the power and not get it then not deserve it and somehow get your grimy, power-hungry little hands on it anyway.

I am just going on record to say that once this poor, pathetic, small-minded, power-hungry little political period is over with - and I would be willing to put up a substantial amount of money with a 50-years-out D-Day on such a bet, for anyone willing to take me up on it, that this period will be looked back upon with wonder at what foolish and stupid ideas can animate our lives - that we will look back very much like imperialist nations of the West look back at their activities before and after World War I and before and after World War II and wonder how much senseless and destructive tragedy we must suffer before we face our failures, all of us, with no scapegoats or exceptions on that one, as political leaders and as people.

In the meantime, I have zero respect for the Democratic party, at this point. Anytime you bully on an important issue where you are wrong or where you cannot put up the arguments to convince others that you are right, you lose my respect and my vote. And, more importantly, you lose any reason to trust your ability to hold power.

This incredible race to the bottom of reasonable democratic discussion that has gone on in the last 6-7 years will:

1) Backfire on everyone who engages in it. Mark my words. Already happened to the President. Democrats are just waiting to fuck this one up to learn the lesson, apparently.

2) Regardless, it means that you don't deserve the power. And there is nothing more stomach-turning in the world, as far as I am concerned, than the arrogance attached to winning power at all costs when you have not earned it.

Democrats need a major humbling, right now. And I will do everything in my power to offer it to them.

In the meantime, my country's political leadership has gone horribly wrong. I can only hope that the tragedy will be as minimal as possible for our hubris.

When all those people die in Iraq once we pull out precipitously, I assume Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton will be taking responsibility. Just like Democrats have taken responsibility for failed public schools, failed poverty policy, failed policies of protectionism and government intervention in the economy, and every other failed liberal political, economic, and social policy of the 20th century that so many are now pretending still form the core of a coherent ideology.

It's the era of responsibility. Which literally translates, "Who me? Couldn't be."

Why would we ever imagine that our children would follow any other footsteps but our own?

Love,
Ben

Exactly

The Bottom-Up Partition

"All of this is good news for Sen. Joseph Biden and other Democrats who have been proposing a "soft partition" of Iraq for some time. But the problem with Biden's strategy is that it calls for the United States to join with an international coalition in essentially forcing the scheme on Iraqis. The events of the past year have demonstrated, again, that Iraqis won't respond to guidelines and timetables drawn up in Washington or at the United Nations. Slowly and very painfully, they are moving toward a new political order. But they will do it -- they have to do it -- on their own time."

And so will be the emerging political order in Iraq, in the United States, and in the international community. The foolish agents of forced order be damned.

Love,
Ben

Integrity

The last 2-3 weekends have involved me working on getting more work done and facing up to the fact that the consequences I have dealt with in my life are my own doing and that I have an integrity problem that needs addressing.

I don't care about what I think or say, anymore. I only care about what I do.

And I have a lot to do to get my life in order.

Love,
Ben

Taking responsibility for my mistakes of integrity

I've been facing some really difficult truths about my failures and failures of integrity over the last 5 years and, really, the last 18 years. I am a smart kid who has been unreliable about turning in work and avoided finishing it and turning it in on time. I have avoided work when I felt overwhelmed with work, when it seemed boring or inconsequential, and for all kinds of reasons that have left me unreliable to others. I've had some serious matters of integrity that I have fallen short on in the last 10 years or so that I have failed to take full responsibility for and their consequences in my life.

I lost a relationship and then a friendship that really mattered to me enormously. I left a graduate program and lost my place in that program and that department. I lost my first teaching job over this. And now I am facing up more fully to my responsibility in all of this.

Losing the relationship was the most painful and difficult. And I owe apologies to Brandi, to my professors, to my administrators at my last teaching job, and to everyone that I have let down during this period and whom I have talked badly of while I avoided facing my responsibility. I have worked very hard to face up to my failures and to be more reliable and bring more integrity to my work and my life. But I have fallen short in some very serious ways, at times, that I am responsible for and that I am working to account for.

It is very painful to face that the failures you have experienced in your life are your own. I hope and have faith that it is cleansing as well.

I'm really disappointed with myself, tonight. And if I could go back to that 15, 16, 17, 18 year old kid as he started down this road of making excuses for why he wasn't reliable in getting work turned in, I would tell him, "Stop. Leave the excuses elsewhere. Just face up and learn the lessons."

I've always feared that I was inferior to others or that I had an inferior upbringing or inferior background for being successful in school and in life. There is probably truth to all of that, in retrospect. That's a hard thing to face. That, as much as it is hard to admit, I probably do come from inferior stock, in many ways. But my expectations are high, no matter where I come from. And all I can do is take responsibility for it and keep working to build more integrity into my life.

At some point, I had to face up to the fact that in the lives of most people, in free societies, at least, we usually get what we deserve, is the truth. Or at least we get what we earn. I've just been defensive about facing that fact and making amends.

I have a father of a student I am responsible for who is not really letting his son be responsible for his own behavior. The kid is acting terribly and dad just can't let him take responsibility for it and is always trying to get his son off the hook. It looks foolish to me. And, now, I completely understand what that feels like from the other side of that. How hard and painful it is to face up when you are acting foolish and you just don't see it. And why it is still so important to take responsibility.

I have looked enormously foolish to people in my life in the last 6 years, at least, as I've dealt with the most serious consequences of my behavior and for the last 16 years, for those who have known my tendency to avoid turning work in.

I have a long road ahead of me to make good.

And it starts with me taking this responsibility.

Love,
Ben

You know what the biggest casualty of this period is?

Trust.

I don't trust anyone, anymore, during this period.

Anyone, really. Anyone at all, completely.

How exactly do you inspire people to be teachers or cops or firefighters or political leaders when noone trusts anyone else?

How exactly is that a better society? How exactly is that progress? How exactly is that the best that we all have to offer?

It's not, clearly, is the truth. We are bullshitting ourselves and one another when we pretend it is.

It's so sad to have so many relationships with adults that are one long matter of bullshitting one another that we are better than we are. And there is not a single person that I have met, read, or have any familiarity with who could possibly be excluded from that description of so many of the relationships between people that all pretend to be something more real or honest or trusting or trustworthy than they really are.

That's why, when push comes to shove, I trust, more, my younger friends, around my age, than my older friends, around my parents' age. Because, when push comes to shove, I can be more honest, more myself, and I can trust, more, people of my own age than all of the lying and bullshitting of people older than us.

Hillary Clinton represents everything that is wrong with that era of liberal. Rudy Giuliani is a somewhat better conservative (and at least I know he'll stick with the war). Barak Obama isn't heaven on earth, that's for sure. But his openness about his drug use is an important step forward.

And I could never really ever trust anyone who I can't be myself with ever.

I wouldn't trust any of those folks, for real, by that standard, is the truth. I wouldn't trust most people, for real, by that standard, is the truth. And Barak's candidacy, as much as I am leaning towards Rudy Giuliani, represents a direction that young people will be taking whether Hillary Clinton or Rudy Giuliani or Joe Nye or Francis Fukuyama like it or not. I'm growing up, enough, to understand why Francis Fukuyama and Joe Nye don't understand this trend, well enough, and why they both foolishly think that their generation somehow hit upon that one final period of liberalization among liberal democracies (Hubris, the Greeks whisper to us, hubris). Because they and older people of all stripes want young people my age and younger to learn our limits. But what our parents' generation is still unclear about, at their advanced age, is their own limits. And, specifically, the limits to their own power to teach that lesson. And my generation will learn those limits with greater freedom, as a rule, whether my parents' generation likes that fact of life or not.

We appreciate the shoulders we stand on.

But if we want a world where people trust their government and one another, better, we will need to do so because we have earned that trust, not because we've tried and failed to bully our way to a destination that bullying cannot take us.

Love,
Ben

Why I can't identify as a political liberal anymore

For most of my young and adult life, I have identified as a political liberal. My family were peace activists and poverty lobbyists, and we attended a loving little liberal church, Unity Church, in Wichita, Kansas for most of my childhood. I helped lead protests of the B-2 bomber when I was a kid. We attended yearly peace rallies, World Instant of Cooperation, every New Years' Day, when I was growing up. I developed much of my interest in politics by our lobbying activities in grassroots groups like RESULTS International, by far the best and highest purpose political group I have ever belonged to.

But, today, sadly, I cannot identify as a political liberal, anymore, as they currently stand. Because that kind of liberal - a Democrat, someone who might sympathize with radicals, someone who might be a closet socialist or an open socialist - is not only wrong on so many important policy matters - believing that people are not or should not be responsible for more in their lives as they are or should or that government responsibility for such matters would be just as good or better than people being responsible for such issues on their own or with the help of family or non-profits or more decentralized routes to equity or care - they are not only subject to the temptations of power and pride, like any person or group or member of any ideology, but they are now synonymous in my mind with "bully".

Liberals are bullies.

Or at least they have become bullies during this political period. They will make excuses for it. They will rationalize the hypocrisy of both being a bully and trying to face up to bullying in the schoolyard and the rest of the world. They will pretend that it is all for the greater good. Or whatever millionth jaded excuse they have for being such pricks.

But the bottom-line is that they have become bullies.

And I just could never ever identify with such bullshit. It's dishonest. It's wrong. It's ugly. And it has convinced me that, at bottom, their ideas have become stagnant and bankrupt.

Because people with better ideas don't have to bully.

The degree to which we don't rely on ideas, generally, is the degree to which we are manipulative pricks in the world.

And I just could never, ever, in a million years, look up to or be inspired by such complete bullshit. It's one long lie. And I want nothing to do with it anymore.

Conservativism and liberalism both have stronger, more coherent, more internally consistent and more realistic strains to them. They both involve more freedom, more decency, more humanity, more compassion and other liberal democratic virtues. The last 7 years has been one long regression and backwards movement on those virtues - in government, in much of the media, in the business world, and even in too much of academia, sadly, in all the places where pressure, manipulation, propaganda, strong-arming, and other forms of aggression are rationalized for any and every purpose - as we sink lower and lower into the bullshit pretending like our lies and illusions are really more truth or wisdom than they really are, while being progressive in other ways - in academia, largely, in Hollywood and in the entertainment industry, of course (John Stewart and Stephen Colbert have done more to influence a younger generation, politically, that Congress and the President could never touch) and among media and political and everyday people and all those places in the culture where freedom has been expanded, broadly. But it's the bullshit and the lying that holds us back.

That's why the Nazis and Communists were able to do what they were able to do for so long. Because they enforced measures that kept people mired in the bullshit for long enough for them to make the bullshit look more like honest governance and honest life than it really was. They were masters at making the lies look more honest than they were because people were so confused, all the time, about what a more honest reality looked like because there was little room to be honest about that reality.

And that is the direction that democratic countries, including the United States, have taken in the last 7 years or so.

Democratic cultures have always had this more dishonest fact of their existence. But they have been more honest because there has been more freedom and room for them to be honest than other cultures, including about what shitheads they were and are to one another.

And that's why I'm so sure that this period will pass. Because liberal democratic cultures have, and America, specifically, has always transcended such periods after a time - the era of Prohibition in America and in most liberal democratic countries stands out prominently in my mind, on this count, right now, as the issues of drug prohibition so parallel that period and its ills - and because such periods constantly have people mired in the bullshit. And eventually people want something more honest. And they must become more honest if they are going to avoid the mistakes they make when they are not so honest.

Well, I can't honestly say that I could call myself a political liberal anymore - I am a "small l", "small d" liberal democrat, meaning someone who values both the institutions and the values that make up a culture that is free and democratic, even as those institutions are now and perpetually flawed and in need of improvement and correction, even as they perpetually resist such improvement and correction - because to be politically liberal in 21st century America, like too often to be conservative in 21st century America, means to be a bully. And I just can't be a bully and pretend otherwise.

Most people have joined this crowd.

And I want nothing to do with it. And I don't give a shit what ideology it comes from. And I don't care if it crosses ideology. And I don't care if it crosses culture. And I could give two shits about whether the whole fuckin' world decided that being bullies was ok or killing Jews was ok or enslaving Africans was ok or whatever the fuck bullshit rationalizations that people have perpetually had for what fuckin' pricks they are.

I don't give a shit.

I want nothing to do with it.

And the whole lot of folks who have chosen bullying over thinking can go to hell, as far as I'm concerned. And once the gas runs out on this bullshit - which it will, mark my words, because people eventually get tired of the bullshit - then people can either say they are sorry or they can find some genuine remorse in their own heart. But there will never be a time when either I will treat it like it's ok or it will ever really be ok. It will always be bullshit, it doesn't matter how people try to paint it.

Nazism and the Holocaust were ugly and bullshit no matter how many people they tried to bully into going along.

And this works the same way, and I don't give a shit how people might pretend otherwise.

Eventually, no matter how intimidating someone or something might seem, if it's bullshit - if it's premised on lies, as this period is - it will fall apart. The veneer always comes down. Always. It cannot maintain itself. Because anything based on lies cannot sustain a culture or a people. People need honest answers and solutions to their problems. No amount of bullshit could ever substitute. I don't care how much people try to bullshit on that one.

So political liberalism and political conservativism, as far as I'm concerned, are ideologies with some decent ideas but which will mean nothing the more they get lost in their own bullshit and the more detached they become from the honest realities of peoples' lives. Despite all the propaganda to the contrary - George Orwell would have a fuckin' field day with this godforesaken, propaganda-soaked, bullshit political period - neither party or ideology either has a monopoly nor even a really strong grip on the everyday realities of peoples' lives in America, in liberal democracies, or anywhere in the world.

Luckily liberal democracy offers us the tools to dig ourselves out of this mess.

But it's a mess. That's for sure. And liberals and conservatives and everyone in between have a lot to answer for honestly about what bullshit they have enforced on the peoples of liberal democracies. And we will account for it. If we care at all about being more honest.

Love,
Ben

Why being a prick doesn't pay

Tonight, after a long week of soul searching, I've finally found my bottom-line for why I'm sure I'm right about my work and why most people, today, are just fuckin' pricks.

The bet that the pricks amongst us are making is that future generations will look back and thank them for being such fuckin' pricks because otherwise the world would be "in a right bloody mess," as Monty Python would say.

And here's the bottom line on this one:

Do you really believe that future generations will define the progress of our culture by how "tough" we got with one another?

Really?

Think about that one again.

Really?

There is definitely a pretension in our culture and in liberal democratic cultures, generally, that tough means more than it does. It's the same pride that leads Iran to execute homosexuals and China to kill political protesters.

But, no matter what happens, say, in the next 50 years in those countries...

Do you really believe that any of those cultures or our own will define their progress by all these brutal realities?

Do you really think they could lie to themselves and one another into perpetuity with such ugliness and really ever honestly define it as progress?

No. Obviously not. The only people who believe that bullshit are people who have lost touch with more obvious human realities, so lost are they in their rationalizations for what pricks they are.

And those cultures do not progress. Not for real. The Soviet Union could call whatever they were doing whatever they wanted to, but it was perfectly obvious to anyone who had experienced real progress that theirs was not a progressive society and that became perfectly obvious to Russian citizens once they could see the outside world.

And our society and every society works the same way.

People will only be pricks for so long until it becomes obvious that it's fucking up their lives.

And when they don't face up, the reality of their prickishness follows them until they do.

That's a law of nature, not a law of man.

Do you really believe, knowing what we know about the history of humanity, that future generations will define their progress by what pricks they are?

Give me a fuckin' break. You have to be deluded to think that and keep thinking it despite all of the failure of the last decade.

Eventually, being a prick catches up to you. It just does. It's catching up with America, right now, that's for sure.

The question is not whether America or the world will face this. The question is when.

Do you really think that history will take any other direction?

Go look your mother in the eye and tell her that.

Or better yet, don't, and see what a fuckin' mess you make of your life and probably the lives of everyone you know until you figure out different.

But you can bet comfortably that people get more decent, over time. It's the one guarantee I can make about people. They may be dicks for a time. But they get better over the long haul. You can take that to the bank.

You really think that future generations will define progress by being a prick?

Good fuckin' luck, dick. You're gonna need it.

Love,
Ben

Sobriety

This weekend has been a good, but tough weekend. I've been facing flaws in my integrity this weekend, particularly my failures around follow-through on work and goals. I've gotten infinitely better in the last year or so. But I also have a lot of work to do to offer the kind of integrity to my efforts and to others that they deserve.

Warren Buffet's comments in the video discussion I watched, today, that he had with MBA students at the University of Florida struck a nerve. He's right. Integrity matters more than intelligence. Intelligence has been my strength. So my pride has been that intelligence mattered more than integrity or anything else. I'm wrong about that.

I realized, today, that Buffet didn't make his money because he was the smartest man in the business (though he is brilliant, if you ever get a chance to read him or hear him speak). What Buffet has that the business world values and rewards is integrity. He's honest. He's a man of his word. He's someone you can trust. He's brilliant too. But it's his integrity that people value. I want that for myself. I don't have it like Warren Buffet. And want it like he has it and then some.

So I'll be working on that. I got clear about my need to be more organized and I am an organized fool, this year, after a year of working on it. And I assume the same will work for my dependability and follow-through within a year. We'll see where I'm at within a week.

But, today, something I can be very proud of myself for that I carry with me that has become a strength that has kind of snuck up on me has been sobriety.

I was watching some Fox News panel clips on Youtube, today (I see almost nothing live, anymore, these days), with some commentators that I respect - Bill Kristol, Juan Williams, Marra Liasson, Brit Hume, and (more reluctantly) Fred Barnes - and I was just noticing that I react to political conversations without really almost any recognizable partisan impulse anymore (I'm fairly independent, these days; I really don't identify ideologically, anymore, at this point).

I just operate in my life, including in my political outlook, with more substantial sobriety than I have in the past, much more than I conventionally see among partisans, which is most participants in politics, sadly and foolishly. The failure of more genuine sobriety in political discussions and debates, right now, in the political arena, proper, is its most serious failure, I think. It means a lot of passion, even amongst the most intelligent observers, obstructing more honest and empirical evaluations of public policy. I bring a lot of passion and intensity to my work. But somehow that has resulted in a more sober outlook on politics and life for me, these days, I assume because more rigorous empirical accounting for life brings more sobriety to one's outlook, even if much intensity is originally involved with bringing such rigor.

Anyway, I'm proud of this fact of my maturity, at this point in my life. I have many flaws and shortcomings. And it is nice to have sobriety amongst my strengths, these days. It gives me more confidence in my own outlook.

And it is nice to reconcile a sober outlook with the passion that I bring to all of my work and my life and that I just couldn't live without in my life, especially as I leave myself open to a soul-mate. I'm kind of a romantic, really. And the idea that someone had to be a cold-hearted, cold-blooded observer to be a decent scholar or have a more realistic outlook on the world has just never appealed to me. It has always seemed kind of pretensious, and snotty, and cold.

I'm none of those things. And have no interest in being any of those things.

And it soothes my heart to think that decent people like Warren Buffet and Bill Gates top the markets in the U.S. with their own sober and yet warm, caring outlooks on the world. Sober doesn't mean being a dick. It just means being honest. And the truth is that being a dick, in honest terms, means not giving enough of a shit about your neighbor. It's nice to know that people who do give a shit about their neighbor are rewarded for it in the market and in life, I think.

I better get to bed. A new day and a new integrity awaits me tomorrow. I have work to do to earn peoples' confidence, especially my own.

Love,
Ben

I feel fuckin' stupid

I watched this Warren Buffet MBA discussion on Youtube, today, and it was really good for me, largely because Warren is really good at reminding people that most of the important things in life and investing are not really that complicated. And it speaks well to my pride in my intellect and what it can and cannot do for me.

And after I was done listening to a brilliant presentation, I felt really stupid. Not because Warren is so much more brilliant at allocating capital and other financial matters, which he clearly is. I felt stupid because him talking about investing and life in such down to earth terms reminded me that I have this huge flaw that is really simple but which for much of my adult life I have made more complicated than it really is. I can hardly believe that I'm about to admit it in public, because it really does go to my integrity and it's not positive.

I've spent the last year or so getting on top of being much more organized. And I am happy to say that I have done very well in that department. Much better than many of my colleagues and light-years ahead of last year.

But my still remaining most important integrity flaw (I'm sure I have many, but this is the one that is most glaring, right now) that I am embarrassed to admit is follow-through. I have so many good intentions. But often because I try to do too much, I end up falling through a lot. It got really bad at the end of the summer as I noticed it but was still pretty sensitive and defensive about it. And every new habit that I've ever wanted to learn, I found it easier to allow myself to indulge the bad habit, for awhile, before I took on the good habit and it seemed to help me let my defenses down. Today, I decided that I am tired of learning everything by hard knocks, which is what such a strategy offered me. But it worked better than anything I had tried before, so I've gone with it.

But the truth is that follow-through is not really that complicated. It does involve paring down your commitments to what you can actually do in a limited period of time. But after that, it's just doing the work. And I've often resisted and procrastinated and otherwise been kind of your average or below average fool on this count.

And tonight I feel stupid about it. Because it's kind of fucked up my life. I lost a lot of important stuff in my life over this. A relationship. A stipend. A job. The confidence of some friends and family, too, I imagine. I haven't meant to be a dick. I've just been kind of defensive about it and I'm always looking for my intellect to provide some deep, important insight to get me out of any problem, because my pride tells me that intellect matters most.

But Warren was right, today. Intellect doesn't matter most. Integrity matters most. I've just been proud about this because it's a weakness of mine and intellect is a strength. But Warren is right. Intellect is probably less important. It doesn't have to be a self-righteous commitment to integrity any more than it has to be a self-righteous commitment to intellect. That's why Warren's a good teacher on this. Because he has full confidence that anyone can take up whatever positive quality they might need to and let go of any negative quality they might need to and it doesn't have to involve a life full of worry and regret.

But regret I still have. I lost the stuff that mattered most to me over this. My relationship with Brandi and my relationship with some professors that I learned a lot from and cared a lot about. And I don't like letting people down.

I don't know. I just feel kind of stupid over it.

I probably lost Brandi to a better guy, is the truth. I've just been so defensive about my own faults. And that makes me feel stupidest of all.

Anyway. I guess it's a way that I can relate with my kids. But, really, I just want to get over it and be a better man without all of the self-righteous or defensive hubbub that goes with that.

I'm tired of learning all my lessons the hard way. I don't know why I get so defensive, but I do. I imagine because the defenses have been some kind of poor substitute for the real thing.

All I know is that I want more than anything to be the best I can be and the best, if possible, at what I do, and be the best man I can possibly be. And I'm know I'm tired of this shit clogging all that up.

And I feel really fuckin' stupid about this. I've spent all weekend on this flaw. It's an important flaw to face. I'm proud that I'm beginning to face it soberly. I'm disappointed that it has taken so long to do so. But such is life.

You always know a flaw of integrity, but you never feel good as long as it's there. I've had many in my life. Too many. And the only answer is to just note it, accept it, correct it, and move on. Because the defense will never substitute for the real deal. Ever.

Here's to facing our flaws honestly. And here's to a little human kindness and confidence in our ability to overcome our flaws being the surest route to helping us to face up.

Thanks, Warren.

Love,
Ben

Learning lessons the hard way

It is occurring to me, today, that I have been foolishly learning so many of my lessons the hard way, these days.

So many things that I have known to do but which I have stubbornly chose to learn by trial and error rather than trust received wisdom. It's so foolish, when I've thought about it, today. It is also the way that elders told me I would learn lessons when I was much younger. They were right.

And I am tired of learning lessons the hard way. Now, as a teacher, I watch so many kids live life this way. It is a sad and foolish way to live that sometimes has serious and accumulated consequences, over time (and undoubtedly will for me, as well).

Jesus was right. It is so easy to see that tendency in kids or others. It is much more difficult to see it in ourselves.

Up until I was 29 and in the 4th year of my Ph.D. program in special education policy, I trusted teachers and adults to guide me, better. But then they started to strong-arm me, more, and their clear flaws and shortcomings and failures and blindspots became all the more magnified for me. And I stopped trusting adults I had trusted fairly readily, up until that point.

And for 5 years since I left that program, I have had my defenses up, waiting for yet one more older person to try to strong-arm me and for me to resist their efforts in any way I could.

And as a teacher, I watch my students do it with me, even when they clearly need the discipline or self-discipline. And I understand it, better, from the other side of that table.

I guess we all have to foolishly learn many of our lessons the hard way before we learn them at all. George Bush and Hillary Clinton being no exceptions to that rule.

I am just tired of learning lessons the hard way. I want to learn the easy way, which is to accept received wisdom that I know to be genuinely wise.

For me, that means making choices I know are better choices and cutting out the bullshit optioning for what I know are bad choices.

And as a teacher, that means letting my students make choices and to stop giving them reasons to have their defenses up to keep adults at bay.

I guess we all have to learn lessons the hard way. But it sure it nicer when we learn lessons the easier way.

Love,
Ben

Putting leadership into perspective

This has been a really cowardly period for leadership.

Political or otherwise, leadership in America, and in the world at-large, as well, these last 7 years or so has been pretty shitty.

It's not George Bush. It's all of us. Our most cowardly and fearful and insecure instincts have led us this period. And those who might lead otherwise have been too scared to take us in a better direction. We have had much cynical politics and very little genuine political leadership during this period. Hillary Clinton represents every worst instinct, in this regard, which is why I am so unenamoured with her. She's avoided the toughest calls, like the war in Iraq, then played victim - "George Bush misled me and the American public about WMD's"; any politician who believes a sitting President that blithely should not hold office - and still, today, panders to public reaction - a speedy withdrawal - with very little vision or leadership offered. She is not alone. And George Bush has been the poster child for this same pandering on the right (What was the last free trade or balanced budget cause that George Bush took up during either of his terms? I bet you could name the last anti-gay rights cause he took up).

In the face of all that cowardice and the cowardice of most people as they have faced very scary issues like terrorism, the greater visibility and occurrence of more shocking crimes like child sex crimes and the spike in violent and other crimes, generally, and a war in Iraq that has taken the lives of many of their family members and neighbors, more genuine and confident leadership has been difficult, but that is also when it is most needed.

And all of the indicators point in bad directions, right now, no matter how much we might try to bullshit otherwise.

The war in Iraq and our military efforts in Afghanistan are both going badly, even as I believe that we owe a commitment to security for Iraqis and Afghanis until they are able to take charge of that responsibility themselves and make clear to us that they are ready for us to leave (which we should do as soon as we have a clear indication that this is what their populations genuinely want and need, I believe). A recent Foreign Policy index of the view of a broad collection of American foreign policy experts reinforces my view that terrorism, generally, has likely been strengthened since 9/11, largely because of the missteps of Americans and more powerful, democratic countries have made in dealing with the Arab and Muslim world which nurtures so much international terrorism and, in my estimation, the more repressive directions that liberal and illiberal countries alike have taken in the last few years which have, generally, both prompted greater resolve amongst terrorist groups and given more public grievances for terrorists to draw upon to rationalize their bloody practices. And crime and violent crime have seen spikes in the last 2 years in the United States, despite tougher and more exacting law enforcement measures.

In the face of all of that, it is really difficult to be honest with people in a way that more honestly faces such failures and mistakes and leads us in a better direction.

People are easily scared, generally. And they have a hard time distinguishing between their fears and their more aggressive reactions to those fears and more realistic accounts of the world and reasonable responses.

That has always been the case. That is the long history of humanity and its foolishness in dealing with almost literally every important moral or political or social issue it has faced. People get afraid. They react aggressively and repressively. Their efforts fail and hurt many people, tragically. And only much later do they face that persistent failure.

And what has always blocked up our ability to discuss and think about and reassess those failures and mistakes that we make as societies is the fear and aggression and repression shutting down the conversation and more reasonable assessments of the threats we face.

It also makes cowards of us and of our political and community leaders. And sadly, in the case of Nazism and Fascism and Soviet or Chinese or Cuban Communism, it makes cowards of a population, so much so that tragedy becomes the norm and courage is all too easily rebutted with force.

Democracies are forever subject to this tendency, as well, sadly. But they allow more space, freedom, choice, and opportunity for criticism, engagement, learning, and correction. That is their saving grace. There is no perfect world. There is only this all-too-real world with its all-too-real failings.

That is why I identify with H.L. Mencken's bitterness with average people, even as I do not share it (or at least I share it for as little time as I possibly can as I work to let it go). And the fact that people eventually come around and the fact that it is a function of their ignorance and their need to learn the important lessons the hard way as much as by their intellect is why I identify more with Mark Twain.

Average people are cowards, is the truth. Even most extraordinary people are cowards, generally, in some respect, I think, given my observations of my own instincts as much as the instincts of those who I have generally admired in a more unqualified way before this political period.

But the truth is that amidst all that fear and aggression and our rallying to cheerlead our more repressive instincts, it is very difficult to offer greater leadership. It is always difficult to offer people leadership that they need but do not want. It is the most difficult fact of being a teacher or a parent. And it involves big stakes for politicians and public servants and civic-minded people alike. Because people are manipulative and coldhearted pricks, much of the time, is the truth. Another name for that tendency is political pressure.

It is always much easier to follow the crowd than it is to think independently. And sometimes it can be somewhat dangerous, or at least offer harsh and often unfair consequences, to do so out loud.

Genuine leadership is difficult to offer when aggression is romanticized and has captured the imagination of people, especially as it has done so for the greatest length of human history, much more than intelligence, by far, even as intelligence has always offered the substantial light out of humanity's troubles for the entirety of its history. More people identify as tough than intelligent, sadly. And thus our romance with our basest and most destructive and self-destructive impulse.

Somehow, we need more room for us to learn how to handle that instinct. It cannot be effectively repressed. And trying to do so only leads to more dishonesty - with ourselves as much as with one another - and more confusion and misunderstanding. We end up constantly exacting our aggression in other ways - like persistently trying to coerce or strong-arm one another, for instance - instead of facing, honestly, its consequences in our lives.

And the fact that we do so in every institution - in schools and universities, in churches, in legislatures, in courtrooms, in museums and libraries; everywhere where respectable people congregate - means that we both try and fail to repress those more honest and innocuous qualities about us that express our truer selves as much as our uglier but more honest qualities and that we alienate the very people that we need to touch with those institutions to effect the kinds of changes we would like to see those institutions effect, namely ourselves. All of us end up lying about who we really are, hiding our truer selves so that we can cover what is unattractive about us and look better than we really are.

And we make so difficult that ability and willingness by people to bring a more honest accounting of life to light because we are constantly reacting and threatening to react in ways that are ugly and mean-spirited.

And no matter how much it ruins things, noone ever takes responsibility for that persistent fact of life.

Ever.

Because the cowards who keep it in place are too cowardly to face its failure. And those who disagree with more repressive measures are too afraid to challenge it openly, for fear of having aggression meted out to them.

So it fails and fails and fails. And noone ever takes responsibility.

And the whole thing, remember, is premised on the idea of people needing to take more responsibility.

And it fails and it fails and it fails. And noone ever takes responsibility.

And then its proponents remind us that they are trying to promote responsibility.

And then it fails and it fails and it fails. And noone takes responsibility.

And I guess that this is the future of humanity, is what I'm told. This is where progress lies. In all that lying and failure and noone taking responsibility. That's the lie that captured the imagination of so much of the world during the 20th century and lead to the deaths and imprisonment and misery for much of the world's population for much of that century.

I don't know why George Orwell and I didn't go into banking. It's more lucrative. And most people don't listen to or read the warnings, anyway. And we certainly never seem to learn the lessons.

Because we're kind of dumb. And cowardly. And we would rather believe a lie that sounds convenient than a truth that is hard to face.

All of us. Great and small.

And, right now, in this particular moment, most of us are small.

Here's to greatness. It's within all of us. Even as most of us choose to be small.

Love,
Ben

I knew it

The music industry is in trouble. And the market has shifted to the internet and downloads.

The Music Man

No wonder commercial radio sucks so bad. Because of exactly what I have been saying for the last few years. Companies are too focussed on selling music than producing great music. And so the industry flounders.

I've been saying for a good 4 or 5 years, now, with friends, that the commercial music world has taken a nosedive. And this confirms that cynical marketing leads to less profit, over time.

Warren Buffet is right. The market rewards value over time.

It's about time this caught up with the music world. Now maybe some great artists can be recognized, supported, and the music industry can find its heart and some courage, again. Because the shit on the radio, these days, has not cut it for too long.

Love,
Ben

The logical conclusion of this repressive period

Swiss deportation policy draws criticism

"The campaign poster was blatant in its xenophobic symbolism: Three white sheep kicking out a black sheep over a caption that read "for more security." The message was not from a fringe force in Switzerland's political scene but from its largest party.

The nationalist Swiss People's Party is proposing a deportation policy that anti-racism campaigners say evokes Nazi-era practices. Under the plan, entire families would be expelled if their children are convicted of a violent crime, drug offenses or benefits fraud."

And it's so nice to see journalists beginning to draw these obvious parallels:

"Ronnie Bernheim of the Swiss Foundation against Racism and Anti-Semitism said the proposal was similar to the Nazi practice of "Sippenhaft" — or kin liability — whereby relatives of criminals were held responsible for his or her crimes and punished equally.

Similar practices occurred during Stalin's purges in the early days of the Soviet Union and the 1966-76 Cultural Revolution in China, when millions were persecuted for their alleged ideological failings.

'As soon as the first 10 families and their children have been expelled from the country, then things will get better at a stroke,' said Maurer, whose party controls the Justice Ministry and shares power in an unwieldy coalition that includes all major parties.

He explained that his party has long campaigned to make deportation compulsory for convicted immigrants rather than an optional and rarely applied punishment.'

This is the logical conclusion of the current zeitgeist.

And the irony?

During this same period of crackdowns and a criminal justice policy for James Q. Wilson to-die-for, crime is up all over the world.

Foreign Policy Magazine reports it as The Hidden Pandemic. Trends for violent crime in the U.S. are up for 2005 and 2006. As I have more time, I might continue searching for comparable Swiss crime figures (I've looked for half an hour and hit dead ends for recent trends for 2005 and 2006; Wikipedia shows a drop in criminal convictions for 2005, but also reports an overall increase without documentation of statistics for 2006).

But the general trends in crime policy and international security policy are unmistakable, by my lights. More repressive criminal justice and security policies and more failure, generally, in criminal justice and international security efforts.

Crime is up worldwide and in the U.S., after a 40 year low in the murder rate. Iran is pursuing the bomb more ambitiously than when that confrontation began. North Korean denuclearization only got on track with more diplomacy and kept sputtering off-track with more pressure. The war in Iraq serves as one long object lesson on the wisdom of forcing democratic virtues onto a population.

As a teacher and an authority figure - especially as a teacher for the most poorly behaving kids in schools; I teach high school social studies at an alternative school for kids who have been removed from mainstream public school situations - I do know how difficult it is as an authority figure to reconsider a strategy for creating order for behavior when I've invested in it. I have a 4th hour, right now, that I have been tightening up because of serious behavior problems from our first day, and I reflect every day on what is or might be working well and what is not or might not be working so well.

But I also hold myself to the highest standards of empirical observation of when we are making progress and when we are not.

And the results of the current crime and security strategies of liberal democratic countries, nevertheless illiberal and less democratic or undemocratic countries, do not bear out a case for substantial progress in improving important indices.

If I am wrong about that, I need to hear or read a stronger case for that claim than I have been reading or hearing up till now.

In the meantime, the Swiss policy is exactly the logic that most of the world's criminal and security policies have been premised upon in the last 7 years or so.

It is ugly. And it is the logical conclusion of this repressive period.

Stubbornness. Self-righteousness. Pride. It is the deadliest sin because it is the mistake that keeps in place every other mistake. It is the most serious mistake because it means denying every other mistake. And it is responsible for the most serious and tragic mistakes in human history because is the source of all of the lying and pretending so that everything looks like it is better than it is.

Pride is the source of current zeitgeist in public policy. Because no matter how much it fails, its apologists defend it. And the repression that fails us so miserably is what makes it so difficult to talk about all of our mistakes more openly and honestly.

Some people you would assume prefer failure, given their pride.

But pride is the source of all of our failures and shortcomings, is the truth.

And it is more common than any of us would like to admit. Not just to all of those living today, but to every generation.

Hubris, the Greeks whisper. Hubris.

Love,
Ben

Decent people and the current political period

I was just remarking to a colleague, today, that what I love about my colleagues and administration at Capital City, is that it's nice to be somewhere where being a decent person is appreciated, more, and not just persistently denigrated as too soft or too weak.

Decent people are being scapegoated, these days, for the failures of tougher approaches. Crime rates, and violent crime rates, in particular, have spiked for 2 years in a row - 2005 and 2006 - during a get-tough-on-crime period in the U.S. They've spiked all over the world, according to Foreign Policy magazine, during a period when the world has embraced tougher, more repressive policies, generally, and crime policies, specifically. Iran's nuclear program is nowhere nearer resolution except by the more realistic and diplomatic efforts of people like Mohamed El-Bardei and the International Atomic Energy Association. The stand-off over North Korea's nuclear program only took a positive turn with more light and less heat put on the situation, as one would expect. When America pressured North Korea, they walked away and South Korea brought them back to the table, in an initial phase, with diplomacy. When the West pressed with economic sanctions, the DPRK pulled out of negotiations until a diplomatic arrangement could be made.

No matter how much strong-arming fails, those who prefer strong-arming to reinforce their power - the rationalization of China's tough totalitarianism is really the most revolting face of this movement in the West - even when it fails, more decent folks have been perpetually scapegoated for those failures, even when they are generally more committed to efforts like those I am currently responsible for, sticking with those kids who make serious enough mistakes to get booted from every other school situation.

It's nice to be amongst people who take thoughtful analysis of situations with kids and compassion and decency to others more seriously. And have a little safe haven from a world gone made with obsession with it's power, no matter how much strong-arming fails to achieve its objectives. This must have been the feeling similar such people had during World War I, when the world went mad with power lust and everyone just had to wait until millions of deaths and a fruitless war of power and treasure culminated in Adolph Hitler taking imperialism and force as a governing philosophy to its logical conclusion. World War I caused 20 million deaths before the world would even begin face its hubris, and only in time to face down the height of such arrogance of power in the hands of Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Emperor Hirohito.

Decent people are being scapegoated for the failures of the pricks of the world, right now. Barring that, the stubborn and power-obsessed.

I guess that's the nature of being a prick. When your efforts fail, the last thing you want to do is take responsibility for that failure. Otherwise you miss the advantage of being a prick: being able to do what the hell you want and never having to take responsibility.

Maybe that's unfair. Maybe they're not pricks. Maybe they are concerned citizens who have just stubbornly pursued policies that have been counterproductive without acknowledging responsibility. Maybe their motives are more noble than that. Maybe.

What I do know is that no matter how much their efforts fail, noone ever takes responsibility.

George Bush knows something about that. So does Hillary Clinton. And so does most of the democratic and Western world, at this point.

The question is when they will take responsibility for that failure.

From 1914, it took two world wars and 92 million deaths before the world would acknowledge the failure of maximum political and military conquest as a route to peace or security before decent and democratic peoples of the world would face that failure.

92 million tragedies that could have been avoided if only world leaders had looked honestly and objectively at their failure.

But they refused. And 92 million people lost their lives in the name of that hubris.

We are democratic peoples. We will face this. The question is when. And how many peoples' lives will face unnecessary tragedy until we do so. Desmond Tutu and his work with truth and reconciliation points us in a better direction. My own work does as well, I think.

But we will have to wait, sadly, until this logic runs out and enough unecessary destructiveness in peoples' lives has been wrought.

And until we can face our failure.

In the meantime, I'd rather be amongst those who are scapegoated for that failure than those who refuse to face up to it.

May we all face up to this failure sooner rather than later.

Love,
Ben

Superman's Song

For some reason, this song has me particularly weepy, these days. I think I'm just exhausted by the job. And by the lonliness of independent thought.

And because I miss the time in my life when I didn't listen to this song with such jadedness on my heart. I have hardened. And I hate it. And I miss a time in my life when my heart was not so hard and life was much simpler and certainly less harsh.



Here's to Sup sticking with the hard job, even when an easier life is just around the corner.

Love,
Ben

Someone who won't fuck with my heart

I think I've finally realized what I'm looking for in people I trust and in a soulmate.

I want someone who won't fuck with my heart. Meaning, when you try to manipulate me, and I can tell that's what you're doing, I don't trust you. I don't give a shit who you are or what your credentials or how smart or ambitious or successful or whatever you think you are. You try to manipulate me, I think you're a shithead. And I don't trust you. And I won't trust you until you stop.

Hence my antipathy for Hillary Clinton.

And what I'm looking for - in bosses, in teachers, in thinkers and writers, and most definitely in a mate - is someone who is not trying to fuck with my heart.

It's the biggest reason that I'm glad that Brandi is not in my life, right now. I don't really even value her friendship, much, anymore, at this point, for this reason.

Because I am fuckin' tired of people in my life who fuck with my heart. Who play games with me. Who try to manipulate me. Who ignore the consequences of their actions on my heart and my life because it's inconvenient for them. And who treat me like I am something to be manipulated or played with rather than a person in my own right who needs to be treated with respect and dignity and an appreciation for what I have to think and say.

And if you aren't someone who can do that, you're a shithead. And I don't really give a shit what you're excuse for that might be.

I don't trust you.

I need people in my life who I can trust. It's all relative, sadly. There are very few people who have much unqualified trust for. And the more I get treated badly in this world, the less I trust people.

That's all I want. I can do without any of the extras in life - the wealth, the power, the fame, the whatever.

All I want is people in my life who will not play games with me and fuck with my heart.

But they are very rare, sadly.

If there is anything that matters most in the world to me, it is people I can trust in my life and my daily presence. I've met enough people that I can't trust that it is nice to meet people I can trust, more.

And my soulmate needs to be someone I can trust. Someone who won't fuck with my heart. Someone who won't fuck with the hearts of my children because it seems easier than having honest discussions and differences and stronger relationships. I need someone I can turn to when my heart is feeling pained and overwhelmed by a world gone mad with its need for power and capacity to strong-arm in lieu of reason. I need this pain off my heart that always lies below the surface. And I need someone I can share it with to let it go and to feel more genuinely safe in a world generally made less safe by our own obsessions and fears and foolish and failed efforts to make it more secure.

I need someone I can trust. I trust the people I work with, right now, more than I've ever trusted people I've worked with. I still don't trust anyone, completely, anymore, after all of the bullshit I've experienced in my life. But I trust these people more.

But I need someone I trust enough to be able to share and let go of all of this pain and hard shells that have developed on my heart as I have grown hard in a world that needs more softness and decency.

I need someone in my life who will not fuck with my heart and who will help me heal it in a time when matters of the heart are taken so lightly in the name of whichever excuse we have for why we are such shitheads and why the ways we handle things fail so miserably again and again and again.

Right now, I need a beer. And some sleep. And some kind of balm for my hardened and weary heart.

An attentive ear would help. But a beer might do, right now.

Love,
Ben

What I'm sure it will say on my epitaph

"He gave his whole heart to everything he did.
Too bad he was such a sucker."

I'm sure that's what my detractors will say, anyway.

In which case my epitaph will read:

"Good luck, morons"

Love,
Ben

Everybody's not Martin Luther King

I think I've finally made some peace with the question of people and their shortcomings.

Everyone has capacity for greatness. Everyone could be a Buddha or a Jesus or a Mohatma Gandhi or a Martin Luther King. But most people don't make that choice. Most people aren't Mohatma Gandhi or Martin Luther King.

George Bush and Hillary Clinton are just George Bush and Hillary Clinton. Which should make it easier, not harder, to call them on their bullshit, because they're no fuckin' saints. Me either. Jesus and Buddha and Gandhi and King don't even live up to their public images. How in the hell would we expect that political leaders, who aren't even playing in their leagues, should be trusted with so much goddamn power?

King and Gandhi and Jesus and Buddha were just people, too, just like you and me. Just people a little more aware of their capacity to do great things than most people. And they accomplished them.

The higher we hold that standard, the more we'll live up to it, I think. And perhaps surpass it, if we play our cards right.

But because most of us hold our expectations for ourselves and one another so low, we live down to that standard, instead, much of the time.

That's why I hold a higher standard. For myself and others.

Because the higher we hold that standard, without putting any pressure on it or ourselves, that is, the closer we are likely to get to it. And the more we are likely to inspire the same from those around us.

That's important to me as I look for someone to spend my life with and as I think about being a great dad to my kids.

I don't want to put too much pressure on me or them. But that's because I want us to step up to the biggest challenges and face them more thoughtfully and effectively together, not live down to a lower standard for ourselves.

Everybody's not Martin Luther King. And maybe if we gave them some space, they might be better. You never know. And we'll definitely never know if we're constantly trying to pressure them to live down to our minimal standard rather than live up to their best potential.

And that's the level at which I, for one, would rather be playing.

Love,
Ben

Our pride that we are better than we are

It's starting to occur to me that the way that most people make decisions is, more or less, a less sophisticated form of cost-benefit analysis. An academic or a CEO might attach more numbers and think in more long term ways about such an analysis than most people. But most people engage in this type of thinking, at some level.

How can I get the most that I want with the least cost to me? How can I get the most of what I want by taking the least responsibility and the least risks?

It's all so noble, itn'it?

Liberal democracies are more honest about this and create a freer, more honest culture for dealing with it by liberalizing and making for a more honest discussion and accounting for it. Illiberal cultures fail and often refuse to face up to it, hoping, instead that they're illiberal ways will make it go away. Come to think of it, it's not a clean break, in the least. To the extent that we are more genuinely liberal (meaning liberty-loving), we are more honest about it and create a freer, more honest culture for dealing with our baser negotiations in the world. To the extent that we are illiberal, we fail and often refuse to face up to it and pretend that our illiberal ways will make it go away. But our illiberal ways are a function of this same base way of negotiating our way through life. They are us being less honest with ourselves and hoping that if we look tough or act tough, that it will compensate for our failures to honestly face up to this fact of life and make it better by sharing, better, the risks and burdens of life.

Everyone wants the benefit without the risk or the burden. Everyone. Without exception. Me too. Me especially, when I'm particularly hard on myself.

But I'm learning to be better. And I'm more honest about this tendency with myself and with a lot of people, I think, even as I am less honest with myself and others about it, it seems always, than I want to be. But I have been much more honest about the need to choose what I and everyone knows is the better route more freely and honestly and genuinely rather than trying to substitute force for genuine commitment.

People are just kind of shitty, sometimes. They learn, I think. We learn. But we're also just kind of shitty to one another.

Better people take more responsibility and worry less about benefit.

But the real saving grace is not just our propensity to be better people, but our learning, too often, from experience the consequences of behaving worse or badly. And that includes all of us. Especially those who claim to act as moral arbiters for the rest of us. The pride in that position - the pride that they did not take the risks involved with giving all of us more freedom to learn these lessons on our own because they were more interested in following the rules or doing what was right, when really what they were and are most interested in is watching their own hind ends - is definitely one of the biggest lies of all.

Because that lie - the lie that strict enforcement of rules or repressive laws and enforcement is really about making life safer rather than looking after our own hind ends as we constantly look over our shoulders about what others think about us and might do to us, and that any of that could somehow substitute for more genuine conscience which only comes with more freedom - is the lie that has been responsible for the most murder and bloodshed and senseless tragedy in the history of humanity than any other lie we have told ourselves or one another.

We definitely need to be able to act aggressively when harm is clearly imminent. But, too often, we don't. And we need to give up our excuses for why we act more aggressively than is good or necessary. And we do so by internalizing limits on that overwrought propensity for aggression. And we do that by reflection and thought and engagement and developing our consciences.

That idea that this lie, this lie that aggression is what makes us good, could be twisted into some distorted notion of "progress" makes my stomach turn. It is the biggest lie, as Adolph Hitler would say. In fact, it was the exact strategy that Hitler used to reap all his destruction. He convinced the Germans that their pride that their aggressive and repressive ways were a function of what good people they were and that behaving so in ways that would acquire for them the most inescapable form of power was exactly how he was able to engage in so much destruction. And the Germans followed this seductive message. And millions of soldiers and civilians died. And 6 million Jews died.

And we still maintain that pride.

That pride that we are better than we really are. And that it is our aggression and not our consciences that make it so.

Hubris, the Greeks remind us. Hubris, is the sin of every generation. That they have finally found the final solution to their problems and that no more thought or engagement will be necessary to deal with those problems or any new problems they might face. Or at least that the thought and engagement is less important than their hubris.

Christian theologians called it pride. And it was and is the deadliest of all sins.
And the bane of humanity.

And the core of the current political period.

Love,
Ben

A governing philosophy of "the buck stops elsewhere"

If you watch contemporary politicians in America, it is clear that the overriding governing philosophy is not a governing philosophy of force. That is just the zeitgeist. It passes as the public mood passes. And it is passing as the public mood is changing.

The consequent and more dominant governing philosophy, sadly and too often, is "not my fault."

George Bush isn't responsible for this war and its turn. Hillary Clinton isn't responsible for her vote and for keeping any reservations to herself (if she had any; we don't know because she didn't give any voice) in the run-up to the war and will not - mark my words - take any responsibility if a pull-out from Iraq brings a spike in sectarian warfare and a deteriorated security situation.

Noone is responsible on the biggest issues during this period.

And, remember, this is the period of responsibility. That's why all that force is necessary, they say. To make people take responsibility, they say. Someone else, of course. Never ourselves. And that is why Jesus argued rightly 2000 years ago that people should look to remove the beams from their own eyes before they try to remove the splinters from the eyes of their neighbors. Obviously there are exceptions to that rule, where immediate physical harm or threat is involved and there are no other less forceful or violent options. But, as a rule, this is why Jesus was so concerned about our tendency to try to make our neighbors' responsible for their behavior: because it allowed us to distract ourselves from our own responsibility for ourselves.

And that is the consequence of a more punitive cultural and political mood that tells people that they will be treated poorly if they openly take responsibility and which focuses on the mistakes of others rather than on our own and grounded in our own need for self-governance as a fundamental need of liberal (and illiberal) societies.

Does more force make people more responsible in Iran? In North Korea? In Cuba? In the Soviet Union? In China? In Syria? In Iraq, pre- or post- Saddam Hussein? In Nazi Germany? In Fascist Italy? In Chile under Augusto Pinochet? In Zimbabwe under Robert Mugabe?

And the bigger question for us, today, is does force make people more responsible in America, in Great Britain, in France, in Germany, in Japan, in a more democratic Russia, in any of the liberal democracies of the West or the liberal democracies of the world or the illiberal democracies of the world or the dictatorships and autocracies of the world?

Once you pose that question more broadly it becomes much clearer that the answer has always been no (there certainly is a substantial discussion to have about that question, but I am fairly clear that the most honest conclusion to that discussion must be one that is very skeptical of the use of force and power for the purposes of progress in liberal democratic or illiberal societies) and that the impetus for liberal democracies was to correct for this tendency in liberal democratic societies as much as illiberal cultures and by illiberal governments. But what has also been true is that we are perpetually seduced by this romance we have with force and with violence to resolve our problems. And it is responsible for the long march of mistakes and abuses of power that have been as much a part of our long history in liberal democratic societies and our less liberal and illiberal predecessors as much as the history or less liberal and illiberal societies that currently populate the world.

Without any presumptions or explicit limitations - the use of the terms least possible necessary aggression or force is an explicit effort to create presumptions against force or aggression as much as possible and clearer limitations on its use - a governing philosophy of force can only move in the direction of either Nazi and Soviet-style rationalized permanent presence or overreach and failure, the second of which I'm fairly confident is the direction that liberal democratic societies are and will take given more genuine and honest reflection on the fruits of this thinking and its use as a government philosophy.

But one of the more pernicious consequences that governments and governing periods that have centered themselves around force as a governing philosophy all have in common is that noone is responsible for their failures. Noone. Ever.

Other than John Edwards, you heard any Senator or Representative publicly take responsibility for their vote for this war without a debate or discussion that might have approached and perhaps found some solutions to so many of the concerns that have come up for the 4 years of its execution? Surely that Senator from New York, who is vying to be her country's Commander-in-Chief and who wants to clean up Washington and make the President be accountable for this war has taken responsibility for her vote, right? Surely the President, who with Ms. Clinton and other Senators has sought to regulate so many of the choices of his fellow citizens in the name of taking responsibility for America's problems has or will take responsibility for this war and its consequences?

And it's not just on the war. It's on any serious issue where political candidates do not want to be affiliated with the poor, even unintended, consequences of failures in policies that they have advocated.

Noone is taking responsibility. Everyone is too scared of the consequences to pony up. Which is quite natural and common. It just would probably be better if we owned up for that more honestly and stopped trying to ignore and romanticize our more repressive efforts like they have been more effective at facilitating that kind of responsibility than they really have.

And since government has been the center of our contemporary obsession with might making right in liberal democratic societies - where such a notion is rebuked in our cultural histories - it seems appropriate to note that the major political leaders seem not nearly adequately concerned with their own responsibility in the failures of either this governing philosophy and approach nor with any of the policies they advocate. Democracy offers us defense in such situations, giving us an opportunity to not let such bad governance get worse. But it also offers us proactive opportunities, as well, to think, express, criticize, and articulate more openly, freely, and responsibly better ideas of life and governance that might tackle our problems more effectively.

Barack Obama is being beseiged, unfairly, for doing just that, right now, in this Democratic race. I don't even agree with all of his thinking. But I like the fact that he is doing it openly and I find the cowardice of Hillary Clinton's propensity to keep cards conveniently close to her chest so that she never has to either be out of step with the electorate nor challenge people to think more or better with better ideas and more honest engagement to tackle problems like the war in Iraq and our military and political efforts to combat terrorism unworthy of Presidential leadership.

But what I find most distasteful about this period is that everyone wants someone else to take responsibility. But noone models how to do that themselves. And then we all say, "This is how the world is supposed to be."

And noone takes responsibility.

I'm getting better at it and I regularly take public responsibility insofar as I feel safe to do so. But the buck can't stop with us, for real, until we create a climate that makes it more likely for responsibility to be taken and less likely for people to perpetually shift out of it.

Perhaps we don't really care whether we're successful in this effort or not. Or, more likely, we are far too satisfied and complacent with our failures and own mistaken thinking about such issues that we give into our jaded notions that such cynicism is the nature of reality of human affairs rather than the consequence of our failures.

But the failures will persist until we take responsibility for them. And "the buck stops here" will always be a political fable we tell our children to make them proud to be an American but that we persistently fail to provide in our example as long as we ignore the reaping of the failure that more forceful and aggressive efforts sow.

For now, the buck stops elsewhere. And it will continue to do so as long as no-one takes responsibility for our failed logic and aggressive policies.

Love,
Ben

The consequences of polarization

Michael O'Hanlon illustrates the consequences of polarizing political tendencies trying to substitute themselves for more thoughtful, committed, empirical efforts in another excellent piece in the Washington Post.

The Work Behind Our Iraq Views

There are plenty of problems that need resolution in Iraq, a workable political resolution to sectarian fighting and to facilitate a credible monopoly of force by the Iraqi military and law enforcement being the highest priority.

And the value of Michael's piece and his and Ken Pollack's original and excellent New York Times piece is that it brings a reasonable and committed perspective to a discussion that has perpetually been spoiled and distorted by the polarized, leveraged and leveraging, and unreasonable perspectives of so many people who have abandoned more reasonable and engaged thought in favor of strong-arming for a cause with very little thought, really.

I will admit. My commitment to the security project in Iraq is not just because of signs of progress. George Will's recent Post editorial on the war demonstrates his ambivalence about the effort and the uncertainty and ambivalence that most Americans have about our Iraq efforts.

I admit, I don't share that ambivalence. I opposed this war, up front, when it was popular in the country and among media pundits and the political class. I did so openly and publicly, at a time when to do so was considered to be in league with Osama Bin Laden. I have no track record, at all, of either supporting the war in the beginning or supporting it when it was popular.

But I do think that Americans have some responsibility for the mess they helped create in Iraq. And I want to see them step up to that responsibility, even when it is tough.

My commitment is not dependent on the immediate success of our efforts, though I am certainly committed to a realistic assessment of the probability of success with our various efforts. My commitment is based on a responsibility that I feel and that I think most Americans should feel after invading a country without preparation and consultation with them in a way that might have prevented some of what we are witnessing today. I don't know if the current sectarian fighting was predictable for most informed observers (I certainly did not predict it) but I do think a Vietnam-like insurgency was predictable for those who were not engaged in finger-pointing recrimination from the Vietnam era and were committed to objective analysis of what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. I also think that study of counterinsurgency and counter-terrorism analysis of the ways that insurgent and terrorist groups use modern media and propaganda tactics to wear down the will of those they are fighting and the political responses of domestic democratic populations to the casualties in conflicts where immediate personal or national self-defense is not involved, even as critical security measures might be involved for the benefit of others, is useful in understanding this war and developing a committed strategy.

The bottom line in my mind is, "Is there still more U.S. security detail that needs doing? And if so, how can the American people be led in a direction of more courage and commitment rather than pandering to their immediate, even popular, reactions and impulses?"

And Michael O'Hanlon and Kenneth Pollack do a fine job of answering both of these questions well, I think, in their original piece - A War We Just Might Win - and in this rebuttal to Jonathan Finer's generally well-reasoned criticism of that piece - Green Zone Blinders.

The consequences of this polarizing and polarized political period is that reasonable discussion gets crowded out by a macho focus on leveraging and pressuring for predetermined positions that are not nearly engaged enough to ever amount to more reasonable positions. That is the problem with force, as a rule, to get your way. You can't possible know how others might view or contribute differently to a discussion if your focus is on willing out rather than on questioning, better, if the cause that you are trying to will out for is best served by your current line of thought. And the failure to do that is the failure of governance that has plagued governments and advocates of force as a governing philosophy for most of the 20th century and, sadly, here at the beginning of the 21st century.

Tragedy without purpose is the most tragic of all. And we are getting more than our share of that right now. It is tragedy that has turned to farce. But, sadly, it is Marx's strategy of leveraging past such situations rather than engaging them more honestly and democratically that is creating the farcical consequences that he lamented. And instead of leaving that sad, long-failed strategy behind, liberal democracies have decided to embrace it one last time in hopes of somehow reforming it.

But it cannot be reformed. It must be rethought.

Love,
Ben

Humanity's saving grace

I am learning, from personal experience and just watching the world, that people will do anything to rationalize and make excuses for the pain and bitterness and fear in their hearts. They will make up all kinds of excuses for why they are such pricks to one another. They are more plentiful than not, really.

But you know what humanity's saving grace is despite all of our bullshitting of ourselves and one another about what we are really thinking and really feeling?

Down deep, we know it's bullshit.

And so we have to give up the bullshit, eventually, to embrace more genuine virtues like love and compassion and forgiveness and decency.

Because we know, in our hearts, that everything else is bullshit. We're just too afraid to admit it. Until we have no other choice, that is.

You know what the catch-22 for young people is? As long as they are sweet and innocent, their older, more jaded brethren will always call them naive. And then when they taste the forbidden fruits of life and understand, better, what their more jaded brethren mean, the jaded among us will use that as further validation that people are inherently corrupt and untrustworthy and they won't change and there's nothing you can do about that anyway.

Even though it is often their suspicion and haranguing that tempts people out of their innocence in the first place.

We're so ugly. The truth is that we don't give a shit about the decency and innocence of young people. We are just perpetually lamenting our own romanticized image of our own innocence. And we mistake our jadedness, rather than making peace in our hearts, with reality. When, in reality, our jadedness is this long distorted notion of reality. It's like a lens or a mirror with a long gash in it that we mistake for a reality with a big break down the middle. When reality doesn't have the gash. The gash is our distorted perspective from the hurt we feel that we've never resolved. Reality just is. But our jadedness leaves us perpetually disappointed with that reality rather than making peace with it. And that is what leads to all of the denial that it is reality that is so ugly and pained and hard-edged, rather than our perspective distorted by all the pain in our hearts that we will not make peace with. It distorts our view of the world and leaves us repeating the same foolish cynical mistakes.

The irony is that our cynical maneuvering, ultimately, is generally meant to create some peace in our hearts. And yet, sadly, all too tragically, all of our jaded efforts, in contrast to our more genuine efforts, maintain the pain and the disappointment with a reality that only love and forgiveness and compassion and understanding and decency can offer.

Money, power, sex, drugs, prestige. All of our vices are part of a long, futile effort to substitute resolution of the unresolved pain in our hearts with less substantial alternatives. And yet they never really substitute. Because the pain can only be resolved by feeling it, not defending against it, and letting it go and moving on. And human beings will now and forever cause each other pain and heartache and frustration. And human beings will now and forever only learn to avoid causing pain to one another by trial and error, by hurting or disappointing others and by learning how to end the disappointment or hurt.

Progress is not now, has never been, and never will be people not hurting or disappointing one another. That's actually quite plain from any honest study of our history, frankly. Progress is making the mistakes, hurting and disappointing others, and learning how to stop hurting and disappointing others so much in the future.

Progress, as that really sweet kid in my freshman world history course said, is making mistakes and learning from them.

And humanity's saving grace is that while it can bullshit itself on this one, for awhile, it can't bullshit itself about it forever. Eventually we all, generally, with some exceptions, need and want to face and be responsible for our bullshit. Because our lives are too dishonest and painful without doing so.

And that is humanity's saving grace despite its' own worst instincts.

Love,
Ben

Gorgeous

As my friend, Dave, who alerted me to this very sweet video suggested, this is beautiful.



Love,
Ben

Appreciating really decent people

I have to say that the more I get to know how shitty so many people in the world can be, the more I appreciate really decent people and just what a rare pleasure they are.

Most of us are kind of snarky and shitty with one another. We treat each other like shit. People, I mean. All of us. Me included.

And so it's really nice when you get the rare pleasure of spending time with really decent people. Makes up for all the shittiness of humanity.

I've got major pain on my heart, right now. Letting go of Brandi as a friend is much harder than I ever expected. She's been such a shithead during this period. But even a shithead is hard to get off your heart.

And trying to let go of pain off your heart during a period when there is almost literally nothing to be inspired by in contemporary politics or culture, which is so full of the bankrupt values of a nasty, destructive, dysfunctional humanity gone astray and taking no responsibility for the destruction it causes is a little much for my heart, right now.

But it does remind me why I prefer to spend my time with really decent people and why I value lovingness above all. Because people who don't take lovingness and decency seriously are kind of shitty people to be around. And who wants to spend time with such people, no matter how much money you might be paid.

Me, apparently, given many of the kids I work with. But then just one or two really decent, kind-hearted and curious kids can make up for all of the shitheadedness.

Here's to decent people. And here's to everyone being more decent to one another and all of us cutting out the bullshit and the excuses for what shitheads we can all be. All of us. Me included.

Love,
Ben