I finally quit my job:):):)...

Well, kind of:):):)...

Two nights ago...it was the same scenario...

Middle of the week...and I'm EXHAUSTED:):):)...I sleep all three breaks in a tier (levels in the truck for shipping doors)...

And the next night...I'm MORE EXHAUSTED...

Except...last night...I just couldn't get up...I remember briefly looking at the clock at 11:30PM...and I just couldn't get up...

Then I woke up at 6:30AM...

I didn't want to call and say, "Sorry...I was too tired to come in":):):)...

So I go back to sleep and think of what I'm going to say to my bosses:):):)...

And I can't of anything that wouldn't be a lie...or that wouldn't just sound kind of wussy to them:):)...

And the fact that everyone's been super tired at Amarr has been a problem for quite a while now...you can see it in peoples' eyes...

They just don't seem to care, frankly...

And this had been two weeks of it, for me...

And I need the time to look for other jobs anyway...

So I just decided...

I'm going to start looking for teaching jobs full time:):):)...see what happens...

It's amazing...

Three years out of grad school...

And I've confronted so many big fears...

The fear of being in debt...

The fear of being unemployed...and not knowing how basic needs are going to get met (I have a little bit saved...but that's only going to go so far:):):)...

The fear of losing others' approval...teachers...friends...my parents...everyone...

Lots of fears:):):)...

It's amazing...the one thing you can do in a time when everyone is romanticizing using fear and bullying to make all kinds of problems go away (which...if anyone hasn't noticed:):):)...it's not working:):):)LOL:):):)...

Is face fears:):):)...

And that I've done...:):):)...

Even when it comes to force...or physicality...

The thing that matters most...I am totally clear, now...

Is how you think about it...

Thinking matters quite a bit, actually:):):)...more than anything else, really:):):)...except for heart:):):)...which matters quite a bit, too, actually:):):)...

And a lot of people, right now, are just lost in their rationalizations for why they're capacity to bully is more important than their capacity to constructively think through important matters:):):)...

It's so funny:):):)...Brandi and I saw two paths in the middle of the road...

And I took the path less traveled...

Brandi got afraid of what life would be like taking so many risks, I think...

And I gained courage by facing all those risks:):):)...

And already...with no financial benefit whatsoever:):):)...and with too many financial liabilities to count, at this point:):):)...

It's already made the difference:):):)...

I miss Brandi...I miss Jas and Dolly and Blick and Dave, right now...and I miss all my friends at Amarr...and all my friends I've ever had at every job I've ever had...and all my friends and teachers at KU...

But I don't miss rationalizing fear...I don't miss running my life, more, around fear...and I don't miss being treated like shit by people in the name of that fear...

I can't think of a sadder way to live life, actually...

I can't think of a sadder way to waste the one life you have...

But that's what punitive policies do...

They scare people from taking the risks necessary to learn and grow...

They are foolish...and take for granted everything that risk-takers offer us...even when the risks don't always work out the way we want them to...

We should definitely weigh our risks carefully...think about them, as much as possible...

But at the end of the day...

It is the risk-takers...the risk-taking, by all of us...

That creates progress...

And the fear...that stymies it...

We can improve our odds of adding more risk-takers to the mix of life...which will facilitate the efforts of the risk-takers already out there...

By letting people take risks...and not punishing them when they don't turn out...we have to intervene when violence is imminent, obviously...but after that...people have to learn to not use violence and force to solve their problems...and we can best teach them with our examples...and our efforts to get better at that, I think...

By giving people space to take a chance...take two chances...take a hundred chances...take as many chances are necessary to live into their dreams...

And we halt progress when we get scared because risks don't always turn out...which they can't:):):) -- as Amarr did with some of my own efforts...those who read me regularly know about the decision to take me off staging because of a mistake I made, in total good faith, while learning how to do it:):):)...but the biggest way Amarr stymied my efforts was punishing and firing and hurting so many people instead of learning how to be better leaders of the people they had...

I feel kind of sad for Brandi...

She has this time in her young life...where she can look back and think that there was a time when she didn't live her life so afraid...

And I have my whole life to look forward to:):):)...

It's so sad that so many people live their lives like that...

Always too afraid to take the risks that they know would be really good for them...because the price seems so high to do so:):):)...

But to me...

The price of giving up your life...the real freedom that characterizes the life that we all dream of...

That price is far higher than any other price I could pay, frankly...

I imagine it had to fuckin' suck trying to make it amdist the depression...as Joseph Campbell had to do when he left his Ph.D. program when he was about my age...working on chicken farms and other odd jobs to make ends meet...

But goddamn if I don't understand how he felt, now...and how Einstein must have felt...and Roald Dahl, after he was expelled from prep school...wanting time to just do their work...and not having people always frustrating their efforts...because they were just so much more scared of being the best...of being their best...and pursuing a life of neverending excellence...never perfection...but always in pursuit of excellence...

I've been thinking about my wedding, recently:):):)...

And how's it going to be this total celebration of my life:):):)...and my new life with someone else:):):)...

What a great time I'm going to have:):):)...as I have at a million weddings I've gone to in my lifetime:):):)...though I hope my wedding will take the cake, so to speak, for all of those who attend:):):)...

And how it's not going to be some contract for financial stability...as too many women, in particular, treat marriage...or to resolve mutual desperation...as too many men and women treat marriage...or about trying, futily, to be in love with someone that I'm not love with...as far too many people treat marriage...

But how my wedding will be a celebration of love...of being in love...truly...authentically...no bullshit...no fear...just love...

You ever loved someone so much that you'd give up everything for them?...

You ever loved life that much?...

You definitely should...I definitely recommend it:):):)...

Because you haven't really lived until you have:):):)...

And I guarantee that one:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben