Life works out...

I had a much better day, today...

The teachers I was upset with and I did some making up...and we seem to be getting along...and getting over much of the bullshit of pecking order and hierarchies and seniority, etc...we seem to have come to an understanding that what I do in my room is what I do...and what they do in their room is what they do...and we are on the same team and supporting one another...but supporting one another doesn't mean that we always have to agree about how we deal with kids...

We also...much more importantly...all seem to be getting on the same page...that academic achievement matters...that it is a our central focus...and that we all take it more seriously than our issues with individual kids...

Which gives me what I want...

Which is hope...that at least some of one generation of kids will have enough support, freedom, supervision, and the least aggressive, most loving way of doing that, possible, that they can have a much better better opportunity to take responsibility for their own lives and their own choices...

The most important problem for us to deal with in early 21st century America is not that there are not enough children who take responsibility for themselves, their lives, and their choices, including and especially how those choices affect others, as well...though we definitely need children and young people to do a much better job of taking that kind of responsibility, for sure...

The most important problem for us to deal with in early 21st century America is that not enough adults take that kind of responsibility...which makes raising a generation of kids to do so doubly hard, as you can imagine...as kids watch the adults in their lives lame out and yet lecture and punish kids with examples that are lacking that kids should take that kind of responsibility seriously...it gets us nowhere...and it doesn't get the very serious problems associated with adults failing to take that kind of responsibility seriously resolved...

And when I say adults lack responsibility...I don't mean that they aren't following the rules or following regulations well enough...

I mean that everyone -- including and often especially the rules-makers and regulators -- don't take nearly enough responsibility for whether or not the goals we are trying to and need to achieve...are actually being achieved by our efforts...rather than our self-righteous whining and regulatory efforts used as a place-holder for doing the hard, human work of facilitating that kind of collaborative responsibility...

We have a better shot at generating that kind of responsibility among adults in this school than any other school I've ever been a part of, in my judgment...

And it is modeling that kind of responsibility that will better inspire it among young people, by far, than trying to lecture or, God forbid, punish our way there, foolishly and fruitlessly...

That doesn't mean we don't intervene when peoples' behavior is too problematic or ugly to accept...it means that we intervene with the least aggressive means, possible (because they are the means most likely to work) with the purpose of containing a problem and improving behavior and developing a sense of conscience for the impact that a person's behavior has on others...

And I'm suggesting that the cynics about this kind of approach...are just kind of lazy, frankly, about constructive efforts to improve the human condition...and just shouldn't be taken that seriously, frankly, about this particular issue, at least...

And I've had plenty of good experience with those principles at work to know that they are far more effective than conventional approaches, even the many good ones that my ideas compliment and build on...and, in this case, along with the efforts of many fine teachers and paraprofessionals and parents and students and staff and social workers and others to make that kind of progress possible...

The other great thing about the last couple of days was that I finally got over my fear of being fired...

Fire me, is my attitude...I'd rather be fired...than spend my whole life worrying about it...I'll be accomodating to people's concerns...but I'm not going to spend my life worrying about whether I'll have a paycheck or not...the people I know who live their lives like that live pretty unhappy lives...and I'm just not interested...and the truth is that I, generally, work far harder than most of my colleagues most of the time...so I'm not scared that I'm somehow slacking...I'm not...and if you think you can find someone to do a better job than I am...I say, go find 'em...

And in the meantime...life is frustrating...and often overwhelming...and definitely discouraging at times...sometimes very discouraging...as the last two days have been for me...

And we work through it...and we find someone who will listen...and we rant...and we get support...and then we start the next day, again, bright and shining...

I was commenting to another teacher, today, that maybe it has something to do with kids...I know it has to do with the way that I think about my own childhood...

But I just don't have this fruitlessly perpetually tragic outlook on life...life does often suck...but it often sucked for us all as kids, as well...and somehow...we found the energy and the inner peace to wake up the next day...and still be happy...or happier...and, generally, for things to get better, over time...

A lot of adults lose track of this, I think, because they get lost in the romantic fantasy...that Melissa and I have talked about a million times...that one day...they were going to grow up...and there weren't going to be hard times like the ones we had when we were kids, again...that we would be adults...and everything would be better...in addition to the fact that we often treat adults far worse, with far less effect, than we do children...

Or they just ignore all those bad feelings...in hopes, foolishly, that they will go away...if they just try to pretend like they don't hurt like they really do...it's called denial...and it's not just another rive in Egypt, as the old saying goes:):):)...

Well...the truth is...often despite our own pessimism around the issue...generally, our lives do get better as we grow older (for those of us committed to our learning and growth, that is)...

It just never gets perfect...or worry or frustration free...

In fact...I find that the deeper I experience my connection to life and to others...the worse the bad feelings get...as much as the better the good feelings get...

But it also means that our life is more fulfilled and more genuinely happy, more of the time...and I'll take that as a trade-off for a life where I'm just always wishing for some other life...because this one hurts so bad or is filled with so much fear...

And the people I trust the most...

Are the ones who feel life like that too...with all its hills and valleys...and the ones I really trust...are the ones who feel safe enough to feel those feelings in my presence...without taking them out on me, necessarily...

And that is not a matter of politics...it is a matter of openness...and trust...and commitment...and character...and love...and compassion...and decency...

I can't tell you the strength...that comes with staring down those kinds of fears...of facing them, head one, painful as they might prove to be, if they come to pass...

And saying that you're conscience...you're integrity...is more important than any punishment that might be inflicted on you...

Powerful stuff...and it makes me a lot harder to intimidate than most people, I think...which makes us all stronger...the more people who take that on...

I realize, now, that one thing that I totally took for granted in my relationship with Brandi...was that a major difference between us was that I took life much more seriously than did, Ms. Fisher...ironically...it gave me a much bigger sense of humor about the things that really don't matter, as much...because taking life seriously...means recognizing what really matters most...

And working with kids reminds you...that it is the people...for all their flaws and tediousness...that matter most...

Makes my life...and my work...and my thinking about things...much more worthwhile...

That outlook on my relationship with Brandi helps me to romanticize her and our relationship less...to recognize all the great things that Brandi had to offer my life and the world...

But to recognize that I'm quite sure that there are people, out there, who take life as seriously as I do...and who bring wisdom as well as love and support and intelligence and courage and all kinds of virtues...to a relationship...that the Brandi I knew...just didn't have to offer, at that point in her life...as much as that disappointed/s me:):)...

I've got to get something to eat...to call a parent...to get out some letters to parents...and to work on an I.E.P. (and Individualized Education Plan)...

I hope everyone is having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben