A life for myself...and not believing my own bullshit, so much...

Now playing: Lay Down Sally...Wonderful Tonight...Eric Clapton (turns out Slowhand is a pretty decent album:):)...

I've got a week to get some important stuff done in my life before I head off to Normal, IL...I've been a serious slacker these last couple of weeks, but in a good way...I spent 12 years in school being crazy ambitious and anxious the entire time that I was going to somehow fuck it up in some major or minor way...

And now...4 years after I did kind of fuck it up -- but also got some independence for myself, as a scholar and as a person...as a grown up -- the great thing is that I'm not afraid the way I was then...

In preparation for this trip, my conversations with Bond (via email) have totally reminded me of just how crazy ambitious I was when I did forensics...how political I was (and sadly, much of the time, successful in my politicking)...

When I went to grad school, I had had enough of that bullshit...I could see how patently superficial and useless all of the political nonsense was...and I was totally committed to a more genuine, honest academic experience in grad school...

In the biggest picture, that's what got me in trouble, in grad school....that I wanted too pure an experience...that I was just too goddamned ambitious and demanding of myself and others than really was feasible...or fair to people, probably, in many ways...

But I was young and dumb and unrealistic...and now I have a whole life ahead of me to take the lesson learned and to appreciate a teaching and scholarly career, as well as a life as a husband and father and whatever I end up doing with my life, with a more realistic understanding of the possibilities and limitations of teaching and scholarship, of the consequence of my life, and of people, in general...

I've got a life to get organized before I head off to Illinois State next week (which I just found out, tonight, was the 2005 AFA-NIET Championship team...I had no clue I was signing up for such an ambitious gig...but Bond assures me that they are very laid back and like having fun as much as competing, which is just alright by me)...

In the meantime, all this free-time outside of any real serious institution or structure (except for my June classes) has taught me this really valuable lesson...

That my life...and everyone's life...is, ultimately, my/their own...if things are going to get done in my lifetime to achieve my goals, I will have to do them...and I, ultimately, am completely responsible for those efforts...

A lesson better learned, in my experience, by having the freedom to determine my own destiny than strictly following any particular template for life...

Having experienced that freedom out of grad school and fairly thoroughly thought about the possibilities and limitations that one life can have on this world...I think it's about time I start organizing my life the way that would better support my aspirations...

Also...something I'm definitely learning from my adventures at the International Debate board at EZBoard.com and out of my discussions with Carson in a way that I think is really good...and something that virtually everyone is guilty of, I think, especially in politics and political discussions...

I'm learning not to take my bullshit so seriously, any more...there is so much more that I don't know than I do know...history, knowledge, principles, ideas...especially in policy discussions...nooone knows exactly how to deal with all of life's most serious issues...the amount of stuff that I don't know so far exceeds the amount that I do know, that it gets very hard to keep up with my ignorance, much of the time...

I've decided to give it a rest, some...to make some peace with it...to do my best...and offer what I have to offer...

And spend the bulk of my time with my family and my wife (someday) and raising my kids and just kind of learning and growing and not taking myself nearly as seriously, any more (I know...Brandi's got to be thinking, "Finally!":):)...

Hope everyone has a great week...

Love,
Ben