Making peace...

Well I think I've finally made some peace...

After 4 years of torturing myself about my decision to leave grad school...I think I've finally decided that, on balance, I think it was a good decision...

It had all kinds of consequences I never expected...alienating my professors...foreclosing, for now, my Ph.D. and two M.S.Ed's (gifted and adaptive special education)...abandoning what I think was a really brilliant dissertation idea, that I could never have done a millionth of the job I'm capable of now that I've spent 4 years in the real world...

But the most important consequence it had for my life...and the reason why I think that it was on-balance, the right decision...

Is because it made me less afraid...

Of everything...of grad school...of writing deadlines...of being fired...of taking unpopular positions...of what kind of person and leader that I might be...of innovating...of defying ideology and orthodoxy...of following my heart and conscience and developing a more genuinely strong and independent mind...

I left...and I proved my mettle...and of that, I'm really proud...

It'd be great for those things to come with a Ph.D...

But if that or anything comes at the expense of what really matters in an education or a life (which it definitely felt like was the case when I was in grad school, even today)...then fuck it:):)...

As it turns out...for all of the twists and turns of my decision to leave...all of the economic uncertainty, the really profound self-doubt, the loss of faith from my family and some of my friends...

I actually think after the whole ordeal...

That it may really have been worth it...

Crazy, huh?...

Because it put my feet underneath me...it made me me my own man...and it demonstrated to me, at least, a commitment to learning and independent thought no matter what fears I might have had about the matter...

That's what I wanted out of a graduate education...

And quite accidentally, much of the time, that's exactly what I got...

Now, 4 years later, I have come to terms, much better with my own personal limits and the more universal limits that life offers...gotten to know people and the real world much closer and in person than I ever had in grad school...secured a much more real sense of independence and freedom, financially as much as anything else, ironically...

I've developed my thought much more than I was able to do when I was in grad school, I think (grad school was an invaluable experience, giving me the time and opportunity, as much as anything else, to expand my thinking and challenging me to think about life with my deepest capacities...but there's just something about the real world that anchors all that thought that I very much appreciate today in a way I couldn't before I left)...and developed a far more independent mind and outlook than I had before I left school...

I wish all the pressures of grad school and all the mistakes I made amidst them wouldn't have taken down Brandi's and my relationship...

If there was one thing in the world I could take back, it would be that...

But I'm glad she's happy and in love, now...I wish I would have been better about it, up front...I just didn't know anything about heartbreak like that, I suppose...I know better now...

As I head off to this camp...I remember why I loved debate and forensics so much...all the learning, and the friendships, and the bullshitting, and the love of serious thought for its own sake...

I put together what I think is this really killer extemp source and serious policy thought resource list that I can't wait to talk with the kids about next week...

It will be my first informal chance to teach kids about policy...

I have these really great ideas for teaching policy in a university and even high school and middle school setting, as much as possible...more open-ended reading and sharing (with none of the bullshit lying that college students have to perpetually engage in to pretend to have read shit they really haven't)...more student direction and more equitable relationships with students...more serious problem solving and workshopping of real-world problems with accountability to serious analysis and data-collection about efforts...all kind of laid back and totally consistent, as much as possible, with a healthy and balanced life that doesn't create, I hope, the kinds of pressures that help take down mine and Brandi's relationship...

All the shit I wanted more of in school...

And I have a week, here, where I get try some of those out...

I'm looking forward to it, and the beginning of the school year here soon enough...

And there's a dance at the camp, so that can't be a bad thing:):)...I'm bringing plenty of music, though I've lost my B-Side compilation version of Ice Cube's It Was a Good Day (a WSU team favorite) so I'll probably have to burn some CD's, for Bond to take with him as much as for us for the week:):)...

My one experience with making a tape for a friend was a collection of audio and music dedicated to love and politics for Brandi, when she was in D.C...this will probably have to be someting similar, including Bobby Kennedy's impromptu eulogy for Martin Luther King in Indianapolis in April of 1968, the most beautiful political speech I have ever heard in my entire life...

That speech captures better than any other I've ever heard the essence of politics and life...

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/robertkennedyonmartinlutherking.html

"To tame the savageness of man, and make more gentle the life of this earth"...

Yeah...that's a worthy way to live one's life, I think...

Have a great week, everyone...

Love,
Ben