Forgiving Brandi for good

I don't know why, but I've just started to come to terms with how hurt I've been for the last few weeks/months (I don't remember how long it's been) having Brandi sever our friendship.

You know what the kicker was?

I've felt the pain every day. I've been bitter and I've thought terrible things about Brandi. About what I would say or do if I ever saw her again.

And then, today, it occurred to me that it's been a long time since I've allowed myself to think about good times with Brandi. Because it just hurt so much to allow myself to do it.

And today, in a moment of hope and appreciation for people around me, I just started thinking about her, again.

And I realized that I am so tired of thinking nasty things about her. Because it means that I can't think about all of the good times.

I would rather hurt and deal with the pain and think about everything I loved and appreciated about Brandi than I would hold onto this bitterness that is just sitting like a dark, angry obsession in my heart with how Brandi hurt me as much as she possibly could. By ending our friendship.

I don't want this shit on my heart. I want Brandi to be great with Greg. I want her to have a great life. I want her to have great kids and a great family. And I want her and Greg and her family to be happy. And I want all of those things even if I'm cut out of her life.

And I want it for me.

Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating her because I hurt so bad. I want to remember how great Brandi was. And know how great Brandi still can be.

And I want it more than all this bitterness inside of me. Which is just polluting my soul, really.

I don't know how long it's going to take to work through all of these dark feelings. But I don't want them on my heart anymore. I want to remember the good times.

And I want Brandi's life to be great, with or without me.

Because anything less is beneath me. And certainly not fair to Brandi.

And it's the only route that offers me any real happiness. And access to memories of my most idealistic and trusting time in my life. Which are more important to me than anything I could buy or earn or have at any point in my life.

Here's to forgiving Brandi for good.

Love,
Ben