A good man

I'm grading and watching Jerry Maguire, tonight.

And as I watch the lovemaking scene - which is so incredibly sexy, by the way; I know, I'm such a chick - and as I reflect on the movie and the big fall that Jerry takes and a similar big fall that I've taken in my life - and also been similarly and strangely blessed, as a consequence - I'm reflecting some on my own ego and what I've needed to face, in my own life, to be a good man, and the only kind of man I would ever settle for.

I aspire for greatness. But it's taken this time alone and taking some falls in life to recognize that who I am and who I aspire to be are not the same. It takes time to be what we aspire to be. And, in the meantime, I've had an enormous ego to let go of to be something more.

I aspire for greatness. And, by definition, I've been mediocre and a big lump of ego, in the meantime. I'm not proud of that. And it's part of the learning curve and the process, in the meantime, I'm convinced.

But I'm tired of my ego overwhelming my potential.

I want to be a great dad. I want to be a great lover and husband to my wife. I want to be a great teacher. A great thinker and writer. And maybe, amidst all of that, I want to be a great guy.

But I got work to do. I've got an ego to let go of. I've got effort to make. I've got love to give. I hope I have some wisdom and other strengths to offer.

But, mostly, I've got an ego to let go of as well as a notion that my life is about anything other than loving and caring for my family, my friends, my students, my colleagues, my neighbors, my friends from the old neighborhood and every kid who has ever grown up afraid that they won't be able to make something of their lives, and generally my fellow man, and woman, and kids, and everyone who I can offer something of my heart and mind. I aspire to do great things. And I don't forget where I came from. And I want to offer something that everyone can benefit from, not just myself.

And, one day, perhaps, when I might be a good man, and maybe a great man, I can look back at all of this ego and immaturity, foolishness and frailty, maybe then I can feel some satisfaction that my life has not been in vain or only to serve my own selfish ends.

In our hearts, we all know that is who we need to be, when we are not stoking the flames of our own egos. I forget. Often. I need reminding. Often. I aspire. Often. I fail. Often. I'm proud, at times. I'm disappointed, often.

But that, I am convinced, is the only true route to being a good man, even a great man. Or woman. Or even being a great kid, for those kids who care enough to aspire.

Everything else is, and always has been, ego, I am convinced, at this point. No matter the protestations to the contrary.

And I want to live a life that is honest, as well as aspiring for greatness, and to be a good man. Humanity has had quite enough of the lies of men and women of ego conspiring for their own petty and self-centered purposes.

It is time for humanity to walk on its own two feet. And, to do that, we will, each of us, need to give up our search for perfect men and women, whom do not and never have existed, or worse, brutal men, people who use aggression to somehow compensate for their own and all of our own failings. It is time that we gave up this foolish and destructive tendency.

It is time that we each aspired for goodness and greatness of our own choosing and on our own merits and stopped relying on the flattery of those who would stroke our egos for their own self-centered purposes.

And, to do that, each of us must face ourselves honestly. Our strengths and our failings. I have not enough of the first and too many of the latter. And recognizing that is the only path to doing and being good in the world. Anything else is a lie, to ourselves and to others.

I have lived that lie enough in my life. I need something better. So does everyone else in my life. And that is the only honest path to being and doing good in the world.

In a world where there is and always has been much to flatter the ego and deceive ourselves and others about our truest natures, to be a good person necessitates that kind of honesty and effort. It is available to us. It is available to all of us, no matter the worst lie that too many of us tell ourselves and one another - that there is no such thing as such goodness and greatness, for real, because of our own failure to face our own failings and frailties - if only we will do the work of facing ourselves honestly and correcting what needs correction to do well by our fellow man, woman, and child that every life offers.

Some people never seriously aspire. But everyone, generally, aspires, better, in my experience, the better those around them aspire. Each of us have a role in setting that standard for ourselves and for one another. And each of us does better the better each of us take that responsibility seriously.

Tonight, I reflect on my own efforts and failings. I find myself falling short too often to ignore. But my efforts are honest, even as I fail.

And letting go of my ego, one choice at a time, offers me the most honest route to doing and being good, in this world, for real, and being the kind of father, lover and husband, son, brother, uncle, friend, coworker, teacher, thinker and writer, and neighbor to my fellow man that I can possibly be.

When I think about my own family - my wife and children - and the kind of example that I set and love I have and need to offer for them, I remember what that kind of man looks like more clearly.

And I'm proud of that man. If I ever learn to live the kind of love, decency and greatness I think he might have to offer.

I keep working. And I hope I'll have that to offer to a woman and children, one day. And perhaps to the rest of my family, my students and colleagues, my friends and neighbors, and all of the people I love in my life.

And it is the fact of that long and winding journey to being a good man, a good woman, and good and decent human being, that makes love the highest priority in a world that too often takes ego more seriously. Thoughtfulness and being worthy of others' trust also matter. But love makes it all possible, given our inevitable failures and disappointments on that path.

That is my reflection on being a good man and giving up the vanities of ego, tonight, on a night of, perhaps, too little grading and too much reflection, and plenty of Jerry Maguire, the Muppet Movie, and other various cheesiness on a refreshingly grounded and wholesome Saturday night for a single guy looking for love.

Now I have work to do. And to find someone to share that life with who has similar love to offer.

It's the only life worth living, as far as I am concerned. Everything else would be an enormous waste. For myself and for everyone in my life.

I only hope that I honestly make the best of it.

Love,
Ben