Baby steps:):):):):):)...

I don't know what's been happening recently...I'm trying to figure it out...

But I haven't been trusting people a lot, lately...

I trust myself...

But I've just had some people REALLY FUCK with me, lately...at work...among my friends...suprisingly not among family, lately:):):)...but some of my closest friends in the world, lately...

And it's been really fucking with me...

With some it's been distance...

With others it's been bullying...

At work it's definitely been bullying (one girl in particular...even as my immediate team seems to be gelling better, lately:)...

I don't know what people think that they can sustain relationships through bullying...

Or why they don't take seriously that there's a problem when they're being distant...

They just do...

I take my relationships seriously...so I take very seriously when these things happen...

It's a sign of problems...that need resolution...and none of the more foolish ways of handling those problems will sustain themselve, any more...

And something else has to be developed...

A lot of the things that make relationships work, I think, are pretty straightforward...love...being assertive without being aggressive or exclusive...talking through problems as they come up...being emotionally and socially open so you can know what's going on with folks as they are happening...and so they can know what's going on with you:)...being open to others without sacraficing yourself...taking on the challenges of relationships, even when they seem painful and difficult...

One of the major problems that I've had in my relationships, lately, is that I have a lot of folks in my life who do their best to avoid the really difficult stuff...

Not my style...

I confront problems, head-on, as much as possible...

Unless I just don't have the energy to take them on in the moment:):):)...and then I'm just waiting until I do:):):)...

And then I want to take those problems on with as much honesty and openness and love and authentic feeling and thinking and relating as possible:)...

But an AWFUL LOT OF PEOPLE, I'm learning, both avoid this kind of open relationship...and, subsequently, they aren't as experienced at handling it, perhaps...

I don't know...I'm not trying to be "the expert"...just trying to understand what's going on right now:)...

Maybe that's what it is...maybe folks are just stumbling through some difficult issues and I just need to be more supportive while also being on the look-out for back-sliding, where folks want to bully their way through problems rather than deal with them assertively but honestly and sensitively...

If anyone hasn't figured it out, yet...I am not an easy person to bully, AT ALL:):):)...in fact I'm probably more aware of ways to work around it than most folks I know:):):)...and am better at identifying it, much of the time, I think, than a lot of folks who want to rationalize it and the rest of their bullshit rather than being responsible for it:):):)...

Me...I know that bullies -- like all people -- only respect strength:):):)...so that's what I offer, as much as possible:):):)...

Authentic strength:):):)...

...the kind that doesn't have to bully to address issues:):):)...

Bullies, as the old cliche goes, are just scared little bitches:):):)...bullying is a resort of the weak to deal with their fears of an unpredictable, complicated world:):):)...

But bullying only creates MORE problems:):):)...it doesn't resolve the original problems:):):)...

And the best evidence of that is the PERSISTENCE of the very problems that bullies often want to rationalize as the indication of the need for their presence:):):):):):)...

Because the thing that kind of sucks about bullies is that they NEVER WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR BULLSHIT:):):):):):)...they're self-righteous by nature:):):)...because self-righteousness is a common reaction to the fear that one doesn't know what the hell one is doing:):):):):):)...

You see it all the time:):):)...those who have no clue what they're doing generally scream the loudest that they do know:):):)...

Fred Phelps:):):)...Osama Bin Laden:):):)...Eric Rudolph:):):)...Black Panthers:):):)...Al Sharpton:):):)...David Horowitz:):):)...Andrea Dworkin:):):)...Noam Chomsky:):):)...Terry Randall:):):)...

And the truth is that the more you're shrilling asserting that you know EXACTLY how the world is, the less you're open to learning and understanding and growing:):):)...the less open you are...the more self-righteous you are:):):)...the less you learn:):):)...

A sure sign of someone who shouldn't be trusted with someone's faith:):):):):):)...

I don't know exactly what's going on lately...if folks are just having a hard time facing that about themselves...or if they're just being shitheads...or I don't know what:):):)...

I just know people have been acting really wierd, lately:):):)...so many of my liberal friends have been acting more self-righteous and angry and proud...sometimes this is great:):):)...being proud of being a liberal:):):)...

I have to say that it's great living in a liberal city in the middle of conservative Kansas that just voted to ban marriages amongst my gay friends and being around a lot of folks who all think and voted (Douglas County voted very differently than the rest of Kansas on this matter...and on many matters, for that matter:):):) that a ban on gay marriage is a giant load of shit:):):)...and everyone feeling solace in the fact that though this battle was lost, that it will eventually be won...because you know that you're on the right side of the question:):):)...

But something else less constructive is going on as well, I think:)...my conservative friends are sometimes being more authentically open to liberal ideas -- which I LOVE and think is REALLY GREAT...especially when it involves being open to really good liberal ideas:):):) (bad liberal ideas can and should be left behind just like bad conservative ideas or bad Marxist ideas or bad libertarian ideas or bad anarchist ideas or bad radical/socialist ideas or bad theocratic ideas or whatever:):):):):):)...

But then...other times...my conservative friends are acting like they're just waiting for liberals to start beating them over the head with liberal orthodoxy...too quick to compromise, even when the compromise is not what they authentically think or when it's just not good for them or anyone else, for that matter:):):)...

Like the tide is turning, in some ways, and that liberals are getting ready to take advantage of their new influence...and conservatives are just waiting to get beaten over the head with it...

This is not a good state of affairs...and doesn't deal well enough, I don't think, with the authentic issues that need to get resolved...either politically...or between us as in our personal relationships...

Compromise...as Stephen J. Covey of the Seven Principles of Highly Effective People fame states, accurately, I think...is a lower trust way of resolving a problem...

It doesn't build the kind of trust that needs to happen in a relationship that really supports growth:):):)...

It breaks down because it's not authentic:):):)...

Or as all the young people are saying these days:):):)...

Compromise means that you're not "keeping it real":):):)...

And...as much as possible in our relationships -- political, personal, or otherwise -- we need to be "keeping it real":):):)...

That's why, fundamentally, a gay marriage ban is such a BAD IDEA, in addition to the fact that insults my gay friends, for good reason...

It insults my gay friends because it tells them to go back in the closet...or that you can be out of the closet...just don't expect that your bedroom will ever been seen as "as good" as my bedroom...because it won't, so this line of reasoning goes...I'm better than you and there's nothing you can do about it except for stop being such a fag and sleeping with people of your own sex...

It's bullshit, is what it is...and it asks gay folks to live bullshit lives that are not them...it tells them to stop being what they are so that heterosexual folks and conservative Christian folks don't have to deal with the fact that their difference does not constitute a threat to their own marriages...

That the problems in heterosexual Christian marriages are THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY...and not ones that will be resolved by ganging up on some minority group who can deflect attention away from those problems, temporarily, while they quietly freak out that they have NO CLUE how to deal with a lot of the complicated problems in their own relationships -- with spouses...with kids...with immediate and extended family -- and that they are constantly afraid that they will fall apart, as a consequence:):):)...

I have learned -- no offense to a lot of my conservative friends -- but that AN AWFUL LOT of my conservative and conservative Christian friends spend a lot of time LECTURING others about taking responsibility and FAILING to and AVOIDING taking responsibility in their own lives:):):)...

As this REALLY GREAT political cartoon in the Lawrence Journal World, this morning, parodies:):):)...

Tom Delay spends the early part of his day lecturing judges that he is going to hold them accountable in Congress:):):)...and then the greatest proportion of his day trying to AVOID responsibility for his own messes in Congress:):):):):):)...

Now...Tom Delay is one man:):):)...who is responsible for himself and his own life and his own choices:):):):):):)...and liberal and unaffiliated folks avoid responsibility, as well:):):):):):)...

But they just don't lecture others about it quite as much:):):)...

Many of my friends are open hypocrits:):):)...and then some of my friends are just less open hypocrits:):):):):):)...being hypocritical:):):)...but just not taking any even quiet responsibility for their hypocrisy as they do so:):):):):):)...

Which is kind of ironic, I think:):):)...

Since Jesus Christ's MOST IMPORTANT lessons in the Bible, I thought:):):)...were about the splinter and the beam:):):)...

...that we should pluck the beam from our own eye...before we pluck the splinter from our neighbor's eye:):):)...

Now THAT's authentic responsibility:):):)...THAT's authentic humility:):):)...and leading by example:):):):):):)...

And a lot of my conservative friends seem to be learning this, more lately:):)...while a lot of my liberal friends are all pissed off that they're getting their asses kicked, I guess...and are just in a mood to kick someone else's ass, maybe...

I don't know...

I just know that people are acting wierd, lately:)...

And I know that I've been shoveling a lot of the bullshit in the meantime:):):)...

And I'm just kind of confused about it all:):):)...

Wondering what's going on:):):):):):)...

I guess we'll all need to communicate much more honestly and openly for that to happen:):):):):):)...

And I guess some of my friends and I are just stumbling through that, right now:):):):):)...

But it's been awfully confusing, lately, I have to say:):):)...

I just hope it gets easier in the next couple of weeks or so:):):)...with some experience:):):)...

Because the fights, lately, have been BIG FIGHTS...not small ones...

And it's just REALLY OVERWHELMING to have so many BIG FIGHTS, recently, ALL AT THE SAME TIME...

It's made me a little paranoid and a little less trusting, lately...even as there are places where things have gotten more open and more trusting...

Strange, huh?...

I don't know...that's just what I'm seeing, right now:):):)...

Some common themes in the fights?...People saying they want...

No politics...

Less talking...

Less intellectual discussion...

Fewer mistakes...

None of which are possible or legitimate requests, I don't think...

So I don't know what to tell people...

Mistakes are NECESSARY for learning...learning CANNOT happen FOR ANYONE without them:):):)...

Politics is a part of me and a part of my life...and if you have an issue with that...then you need to deal with that issue and stop putting your shit off on me...I don't ask you to stop talking sports or music or about your family or what the fuck ever...

And I'm never going to stop talking about politics...

Ever...

Ever...

Ever...ever:):):)...so go fuck yourself and get used to it, you big pussy:):):):):):)...

Less intellectual discussion, by definition, makes you DUMBER, not SMARTER...and I'm not interested in EITHER OF US getting dumber instead of smarter:):):)...

And talking is how I stay open about me and my life:):):)...which is healthier for me:):):)...

I'll try to be sensitive if folks don't feel like talking:):):)...and I spend an awful lot of time just thinking quietly to myself:):):)...

But the less sensitive you are to my feelings, then, likely, the less sensitive I'm going to yours, you fuckin' dumbass:):):):):):)...

So if you DEMAND that I do a GODDAMN THING:):):):):):)...

Then I feel nor do I demonstrate any obligation in the least to be sensitive to your feelings, really at all:):):):):):)...

And if you don't like that:):):):):):)...

Then you can stop being such a fuckin' prick, you fuckin' self-centered asshole:):):):):):)...

And if you still don't like that policy, then you can go fuck yourself, dumbass:):):):):):)...

Because if you play low trust with me, then I'm likely to play lower trust than normal with you:):):):):):)...and we can go as low on that as you want until you've decided that you've bottomed out and that you want to get to higher ground:):):):):):)...

Where there's a lot more sunshine:):):):):):)...and where it's better for everyone:):):)...really:):):)...

It'll just take some work on your part and on my part:):):):):):)...

And so goes ALL GROWN-UP RELATIONSHIPS:):):):):):)...

And if you're having problems with that:):):):):):)...

Then I suggest that you GROW UP:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Goodness sakes, people:):):):):):)...

Hope everyone's having a great Sunday:):):):):):)...the weather here is BEAUTIFUL:):):):):):)...and Melissa and I have had a great time just exploring Lawrence and Massachusetts Street where all of the fun shops and diverse Lawrence business is at:):):):):):)...

I love this town:):):):):):)...

...but I especially love Mass St.:):):):):):)...as I think most people in Lawrence feel:):):):):):)...

It's a place of openness...and authentic diversity:):):) (we've had TWO Christian book/clothing stores open up on Mass in the last couple of years in liberal, univerisity-town Lawrence, this year:):):):):):)...it's VERY EXCITING:):):):):):)...

And energy:):):)...and life:):):):):):)...and growing:):):)...

...and living:):):):):):)...

It's great:):):):):):)...

If you ever get to Lawrence:):):)...I HIGHLY suggest strolling down Massachusetts Street:):):):):):)...

When my dad was last in town:):):)...I took him to Paradise Cafe, which was still open then and was and hopefully will open again as my favorite breakfast place in town:):):) (Paradise went bankrupt a couple of years ago...and Vermont Street Barbeque opened up in it's space...it's still kind of wierd for me to go by Vermont St. BBQ and think, "I used to be able to order gingersnap pancakes there":):):)...

I took my dad there because it was my favorite breakfast place in town:):):):):):)...but I guess some bank decided that profit was more important than a really great breakfast place:):):):):):)...someone had a trip to Fiji to finance:):):):):):)...

...so the gingerbread pancakes had to go:):):)...

But, hopefully:):):)...Paradise will open up again soon enough:):):):):):)...

In the meantime:):):):):)...I still love Mass:):):):):):)...

And we had a sweet little day just walking in the beautiful weather:):):)...walking and talking:):):)...eating at Mass St. Deli:):):)...checking out albums at the Love Garden:):):)...the really AWESOME used music store in town:):):) (and quickly becoming my FAVORITE music store in town, really:):):)...

I saw an American punk album there that I was thinking that I should tell Jas that he could try to trade the History of British Rock album that I got him for his birthday for:):):)...I got it because Jas HATES the British:):):)...and I thought it would be funny:):):)...

...but he might enjoy the American punk album, instead:):):):):):)...it's got a bunch of bands that used to play at the CB-GB in New York back in the day:):):)...I remember some names:):) -- the Miamis, is one:):):) -- but I didn't really know the bands very well:):):)...

But...anyway:):):)...I was just thinking that maybe Jas might want to trade his album there sometime:):):)...

I love this town:):):)...even with all its bullshit:):):)...it's like a really wonderful dysfunctional family that's just LESS DYSFUNCTIONAL that most other towns/families:):):):):):)...

I imagine this period will pass...as it always does:):):)...

Just right now it sucks...as people get figured out whether they want to build authentic trust:):):)...

Or whether they want to deal with all the bullshit that comes with trying to bully and compromise and play all kinds of games in life that just leave people feeling upset with you and leaving noone feeling happy:):):)...

Maybe it's a better idea to just search more authentic connection with one another:):):)...to live our own lives more authentically...and more decently:):):):):):)...

But I guess we all have to work through all the bullshit, in the meantime:):):):):):)...

We'll work through it, I hope:):):)...

Because if we don't, I'll have to find new friends:):):):):):)...and that's always a bitch:):):)...

I don't want to trade in my friends:):):):):):)...I like them just the way they are:):):):):):)...

...and maybe just a little bit more open to growth and learning and exploring life than they've been in the past:)...

...which...when I think about it...is exactly where they're/we're at now...

Right now...we're just exploring:):):)...

We're just stumbling along:):):)...like little babies learning how to crawl and then how to walk:):):):):):)...

It just takes time:):):)...and a lot of mistakes:):):)...and a lot of stumbling:):):)...

...before you finally learn to walk on your own:):):)...

...and maybe hold hands along the way:):):)...

Hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Well...I guess I was right:):):)...

I do think that I've been watching a bunch of friends basically dare me, in recent weeks, to a battle of wills...a battle of who can beat one another socially...

I do not, as a rule, engage in such nonsense...I, generally, avoid it...

But sometimes it's unavoidable...

And if I have to engage...

Then let the games begin, motherfuckers...

Because if you fight me...you will likely find out VERY SOON that I am one of the TOUGHEST MOTHERFUCKERS YOU'VE EVER DEALT WITH IN YOUR ENTIRE FUCKIN' LIFE...

I don't fight often...in fact, I avoid it as much as possible...

But what makes me a scary and crazy motherfucker to deal with should you choose to pick a fight with me on something of critical importance to my life that you are wrong on and that I've engage all my other options to resolve the issue...

And you still choose to fight me...

Is that I am one of the most DETERMINED and UNYIELDING OPPONENTS that you will/have ever had the misfortune of fucking with...

I've been thinking about military service for the last couple of years...and partly because I WOULD BE A TERRIBLY EFFECTIVE FUCKING SOLDIER...

I'm the most loyal and cocky son-of-a-bitch you've ever run across...I'm smart and socially-attuned as ALL FUCKIN' HELL...I work my ass off...I keep a great fucking attitude when morale is low:):):)...

But...most importantly:):):)...

Because I'm not scared of much:):):):):):)...at least not when and where it counts:):):):):):)...

And when I HAVE to fight -- because all other options have been and progressively more so rather than less so are expended or do not make themselves available -- then I am ONE DETERMINED AND TOUGH SUM BITCH...

And I will make your world a LIVING FUCKING HELL until it gets resolved...

I don't think that's going to happen any time, soon:):):)...

Because you watch a cool motherfucker who you know's not a pussy...take several hits on the jaw...

And you know that that motherfucker must be pretty fucking confident that he can level your fucking world, if he needs to...when the time and situation calls for it...

Here's a warning...if you're ever thinking about fighting me for real...

I would take a step back...take a deep breath...count to ten...

...and THINK about that one LONG AND FUCKING HARD...

Because I am not the brother you want to be fucking with...

And I don't say that with any hint of insecurity or defense...

I am stating a simple, clear, and confident fact...

I would think twice than to fuck with me...

I'll pick you up after I'm quite convinced that you won't be fighting me anymore...

But I'll fight as long as the fight needs to happen till I'M THE ONE PICKING YOU UP...and not the other way around:):):)...

:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

OK:):):)...that's just my little vent/warning to those who are thinking about fighting/fucking with me any time soon:):):):):):)...

Glad I got that out:):):):):):)...

Now I can focus on more important things:):):):):):)...

Like the really beautiful version of Top of the World performed by the Dixie Chicks that I downloaded today...

...that I'm listening to, right now:):):)...

It's the namesake of their VERY BEAUTIFUL album written in the days leading up to President Bush's badly mishandled invasion of Iraq...with songs -- More Love and Traveling Soldier...the TWO BEST ANTI-WAR SONGS DURING THIS ENTIRE PERIOD...that were rightfully cautionary and critical of that tragically engaged war...a war that caused and still causes FAR TOO MANY unnecessary deaths among American soldiers, aid workers, commerical workers from America and other countries from the international community, Iraqis, and anyone else who might be lost in this too tragic situation in Iraq...

Top of the World is this REALLY BEAUTIFUL SONG about a man who's own insecurities lead him to bully and verbally shoot down the dreams of his still too insecure wife...for their entire lives together...and his hypothetical lament and apology for wasting the potential and the life of his little songbird...whom he could have taken to the top of the world...

Natalie Maines -- the Chick's lead singer -- sings this INCREDIBLE cover/version of Patti Griffin's powerfully written song about the laments of a bully too busy wallowing in his own self-doubt and low-self-worth to recognize just how badly he had hurt his wife and potential soulmate, had he not chosen to treat her like his emotional punching bag, instead, all those years that he spent treating her like shit so he wouldn't have to face what an ASS he had become...

Marty Maguire play a violin solo at the end of this song like you've never heard before in your life...

And Emily Robinson sings, along with Marty, harmony vocals that will melt your heart like you've never melted before:)...

Please check it out:):):)...I'm listening to a download from Bearshare right now:):):)...I HIGHLY recommend it:):):):):):)...

Fighting should be avoiding as much as possible...

But make no mistake with me...

You don't want to fuck with me...

Really...

We all probably should take a moment and listen to the Chicks instead:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...I've got a violin solo to attend to:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

I am -- literally -- on top the world, this morning:):):):):):)...

I'm listening to this AMAZING song library Melissa and I have hear on this computer:):):)...a lot of They Might Be Giants:):):)...my new favorite rap/pop song, Akon's Lonely:):):)...some gospel:):):)...a little of everything:):):)...

And I am having the most AMAZING day:):):)...

The issues at work all seem to have gotten resolved:)...and our work is running more smoothly than ever before:):):)...we are becoming a team:):)...and it is exciting to watch it all happen:):):)...

The guy I'm training, right now -- Kevin -- is EXCELLENT:):):)...he's smart:):):)...he's cool:):):)...he's got a great sense of humor:):):)...he's a great guy:):):)...

And we make an awesome team, I have to say:):):)...we're quickly becoming best buds in short time:):):)...

At work, a lot of people know me as "Right on":):):)...it's because I say, "Right on," just about every other fuckin' phrase out of my mouth every day:):):)...it's just an all purpose phrase, you know?:):):)...you can take it with you no matter where you go and it just fits just about every situation:):):)...

So, Kevin, this week, has been saying "Word up" a lot:):):)...and it started to occur to me that "Word up" is very much like right on:):):)...but more progressive since it's 80's retro, rather than 70's retro:):):)...so I told Kevin that the regime of "Right on" that currently rules Amarr -- everyone says it ALL THE TIME...at lunch...over the intercom (ALL THE TIME:):):)...when they're referring to me:):):)...it's this one really long running joke at my work:):):)...

I told Kevin that the great and powerful Oz had decreed that the regime of "Right on" had ended...that we were initiating regime change:):):)...and that the regime of "Word up" was taking it's place:):):)...

...and Kevin says, "Long live the king":):):):):):):)...

Then Madeline -- who had avoided saying "Right on" for weeks, it seemed, because she had been pissed at me and didn't want to utter anything that might, in the least, indicate any kind of tacit approval of my presence:):):)...

Madeline says, "Milkshake"):):)...so now that's part of our vocabulary as well:):):)...

And Chris...our press operator:):):)...say's something Snoop Doggy Dogg-esque like "Fashizzle my dizzle":):):):):):)...

So now that's part of the Amarr dialect:):):)...

Marty says "Two pumps and a hickey":):):):):):)...

And Rodney always says, "Hey guys...why don't you clean up your area and pick things up before we have to go, here":):):):):):)...

And these are all just becoming a part of the Amarr lingo:):):):):):)...

We're developing our own language:):):)...

...who knows:):):)...maybe we'll put out our own dictionary:):):)...

Have you ever had a crush on someone and they don't know it?:):):)...I have one of those, right now:):):)...there's this girl with a really great smile that I've got this killer crush on right now:):):)...and I get all giddy inside when I think about her:):):)...

"I just want to be loved...is that so wrong?":):):):):):)...

God...I haven't been in love in so long:):):)...I wonder what that might feel like again?:):):)...

If you haven't heard "The Alphabet Lost and Found" yet, you really are missing out:):):)...HIGHLY recommend it:):):)...

Is is possible to feel really powerful feelings for someone without even knowing them, really?...only that they have this really great smile and heart?:)...

I'm a mature adult so I know that all of our crushes don't always translate into real love:):):)...

But it sure is fun to crush, isn't it?:):):)...

To bite your lip and think, "Maybe":):):):):):)...

"Maybe":):):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Maybe it's a liberal thing:):):)...or a rebellion against the new Pope thing?...or maybe just a lot of really disappointed Yankees fans, right now?...

Maybe people are being such assholes because so many of my liberal friends have become convinced again that they've got to fight the Administration...so they are making sure to take their fight to the most logical people they can imagine...

The totally innocent friends in their midst...

I don't know what it is...but something's in the fuckin' water, lately...and I'm tired of getting stomach aches...

I am currently exploring misanthropic hermitude...

Is it the passing of the Pope and the election of a new Pope?...what is up with folks, lately, that so many people are being such assholes, lately...

I seriously considered just coming home and sleeping...and going to work with a "fuck off" attitude for however long it would take for whatever bullshit needs to pass right now...

Because I am SICK AND TIRED of peoples' bullshit, lately...

At work, last night, I got mildly chewed out -- but chewed out nonetheless...even though my bosses denied it lately, I heard the tone in their voices, the first time -- for a minor mistake that was part of a cluster of more serious mistakes on the machine that I work...I'm in charge of the machine...so I take full responsibility for everything that happens on it...but I was in a sticky situation, the other night, when a supervisor took charge of the machine, for awhile, and had me help out somewhere else...some important mistakes got made during that time...and those mistakes as well as my own got an insulator's panties in a twist and got me a mild dressdown when I got to work last night, even though I was already in a pretty sour mood, when I got there...

And I spent the first fourth of the night working like a porn actress on a coke binge, angry as all hell at how the situation got handled...

...and wondering if I might be able to just crawl in a little hole somewhere an avoid people altogether until they all learn to stop being such pricks...

Just for the moment...I've just lost my patience, almost completely, so thoroughly discouraged am I that I've had to eat so much undeserved shit in such a short period of time...

As a general rule (my asshole post, previously posted, being an important exception) I, generally, take responsibility fairly readily...I have a pretty no excuses attitude about life...and I'd say I take responsibility WAY MORE AND MORE READILY THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR...

And I have, temporarily, lost all patience with folks who shovel shit my way because they're too lame to shovel it themselves...

I ruminated and worked my fuckin' tail end off until I was able to vent to a supervisor I trusted who helped me get the situation resolved...

Afterwards, three of my co-workers decided to engage in a spontaneous, informal work slow-down that I had very little choice to pretty much watch happen, as I tried not to look like a total square and as I looked for things to do...

And I kept thinking to myself, "What is the appeal of being such a lameass?"...Why do people think that it is cool or fun or whatever the fuck to be such a lame son-of-a-bitch?...Come to think of it...what is so appealing about being the typical lazy, cry-baby, victim, self-centered, self-righteous, dumbass, foolish, scared little bitches that most people are?...

Is is "breaking the rules?"...is that what makes it so exciting to be such a fuckin' lameass?...

And in the meantime...would lameasses mind letting those of us who care about doing a decent job just do a decent job and just get the fuck out of my way, please?...

I'm not looking for lameasses to permanently stop being lameasses, necessarily (though it wouldn't be a bad idea, mind you)...

I just want lameasses to stop pathetically looking for me to validate your lame fuckin' ass?...

If your going to be a lameass, I say, then learn to stand up and be a man (or a woman) about it and learn to be a fuckin' lameass on your own two fuckin' feet, you worm...

And stop being so intent on roping me into it...

I'm tired of it...it bores me...I like excelling...I feel lame when I'm wasting time when it doesn't serve any fuckin' constructive purpose at all...and you should too...but in case you don't...why don't you learn to sit the fuck down and let those of us who do want to do a good job do our jobs and watch some Jerry Springer or something...

I couldn't believe the fuckin' lameasses at my work -- who don't work a fuckin' millionth as hard as I do -- squealing to my bosses about a whole fuckin' mess of mistakes that we made and spent as much time as my supervisor asked me (and then asked me to go home) to work on them (which I did readily and asked if I might stay later and was told to go home...I was trained as a professional, for goodness sakes, you fuckin' lame motherfuckers)...

And then getting a fuckin' dress down because of mistakes that I was completely open and responsive to take care of...but no matter HOW MUCH I was willing and did so, it was just not enough for my bosses when I first walked through the doors of Amarr, last night...

That's changed...we got things resolved, I think...

But I pretty goddamned pissed, last night...

And I was seriously thinking about a period of misanthropic hermitude (meaning staying away from all people because I just hate them so much and all of their bullshit, right now) for maybe a year or so...

But then my big sup -- Marsha -- listened to me...relayed the message...and my bosses essentially gave up the dress down...or at least said they weren't meaning to dress me down...which explanation didn't match the tone in their voice, earlier in the night, which sounded an awful lot like "Don't be such a fuck-up again, temp boy"...I thought I lost my position on the machine, which is what really hurt -- that I thought I was being taken on the duty that I actually think that, generally, I've excelled at...

I'm just more open and responsive and willing to admit mistakes than almost all, if not all, of the people I trained with and who run the machine with me...

I'm not making excuses...there were plenty of mistakes that were my own...

And make no mistake...if a supervisor tells me that they're taking over, next time, I will VERY NICELY make plain to them that they will do so OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY, in the future, unless they promise to take all responsibility for anything that goes wrong on the line in my dysfunctional little warehouse...

And if it hadn't been for Marsha, I was thinking about coming home, hiding my blogs, locking my doors, and staying away from people for about a year until they can all stop being such fuckin' pricks in my presence...

But then Marsha came and listened...and her presence convinced me that maybe the human race is improvable, because last night and all this week it SURE AS HELL has not seemed so...

Maybe it's the new pope that's got everyone acting like such assholes...most people DO act like assholes if they think some ROTWEILER is watching their every fuckin' move (which then just validates, for your average rotweiler, that it's a good goddamned thing that they're a rotweiler, because, "Just think what they'd do if I wasn't gnawing at their ankles and growling at their intestines?"

Who knows...maybe most of them wouldn't be such fuckin' assholes all the fuckin' time...

Or maybe they'd be assholes...and then grow up quicker when the thrill of being a fuckin' lameass wears off?...

Does that thrill wear off?...

Another day will tell:)...

Love,
Ben

I'm such an asshole...

I'm such an asshole...

Sometimes you meet someone who so opens you up beyond your defenses that you can admit this to yourself...

This is why I don't think that hurting people makes the world better...

Because it's when we have our hearts opened up by people with bigger hearts than ours that we realize what FUCKING DICKS we can be...

...and I just realized, this evening, what a FUCKING LAME ASS DICK I can be...

...and I feel so goddamn ashamed...

...I'm not going to go into it, right now...

...I'll just say that it took me experiencing someone else's love to admit it to myself...

I'm such a fuckin' prick...I feel like such a louse...I want to tender apologies, but I don't know how...

I just hope the folks in question know what a prick I've been know what an asshole I feel like...

It just goes to show...love is the ONLY way that we face up to our bullshit...everything else is just our bullshit unchallenged...unchanged...the same old bullshit...the same old cycles...the same old nonsense...the same old hurt...the same old same old...

I'm trying to forgive myself, right now...but it's a tough row, right now...I can see why it would be so hard for others to forgive me too...to the great big universe out there, I say, "I'm sorry...please forgive me...for being a great big asshole"...

Is it possible for human beings to NOT be assholes?...

I don't think so...

I don't think there's anyway around it...

We're just assholes...as about one of the most absolute rules of life that I can imagine...

We're not bad, I don't think, fundamentally...

Just assholes...

Worthy of forgiveness...

But assholes, nonetheless...

I realized the other day while recounting Bobby Kennedy's speech following the assassination of Martin Luther King to some friends at work how important love and compassion and understanding and forgiveness is...

How much we take it for granted...

How much we take for granted people like Bobby Kennedy...and Martin Luther King...and Ghandi...and their lives and deaths and examples...

What assholes we all are:):):)...

...and it's ok:):):):):):)...

...because that's why those folks' hearts were so big:):):):):):)...

...so we could be assholes, today, and still learn and be still and always worthy of forgiveness:):):):):):)...

But today it's a tough row to hoe...because today I only barely think that I'm worthy of it...

But the only reason why I'm able to face what a dicklick I am is because someone else's love opened me up to my bullshit...

Meaning I could only face what an asshole I am because someone else's capacity for love convinced me -- intuitively, I imagine -- that I might be worthy of forgiveness if I faced up to my bullshit...

And because this person's love helped me see what an asshole I had been in the first place...

I'm listening to the Five Blind Boys of Alabama tonight as I write this post...which is ironic and appropriate since I referenced this song, "Down by the Riverside" for another friend whom I thought was being an asshole...

I just hope I'm worthy of forgiveness...I think/hope I am...because God knows that I need it...

"I'm going to lay down my heavy burdens...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside"...

"I'm going to lay down my heavy burdens...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside"...

"Ain't gonna study war no more"...

I'm such an asshole...I hate myself, right now...

This will pass, I'm sure...

But it's too long coming...and something I've needed to face for too long, I think...

I just downloaded Ray Charles' Amazing Grace...

I need this one, right now...

Amazing grace...how sweet the sound...

That saved a wretch like me...

I once was lost...but now I'm found...

I was blind...but now I see...

Twas grace that taught my heart to feel...

And grace my fears relieved...

How precious, yes, that grace appear...

The hour I first believed...

When we'll been there...ten thousand years...

Bright shining as the sun...

We've no less days...to sing God's praise...

Then when we first begun...

Amazing grace...how sweet the sound...

That saved a wretch...like me...

I once was lost...but now I'm found...

I was blind...but now I see...

Thanks, Ray...from a man who knows what's it like to be lost:)...and found:)...

I'm so sorry, everyone...

Thanks, Rose...

Love,
Ben

I'm getting really tired of people using as a punching bag...

Why is it that people who can't get their shit, together, emotionally, keep using me as a punching bag in lieu of taking responsibility for their bullshit?...

I have this guy at work...he's a friend...a good friend, I'd say...and he can also be a Mexican racist son-of-a-bitch...who doesn't hesitate to tell me at least once a day what a scurge to the human race white people are...and to talk to me as if I am somehow I am the symbolic cause of all of the misery that folks of color have ever encountered...

Now...this offends me on so may levels, I can't even begin to tell you:):):)...

First, of all...TYPICALLY...not always...but TYPICALLY...I have often studied and more fully appreciated the culture of many if not most of my friends of color than they have of their own...

I can, typically, recall names of important native authors that most of my native friends are unaware of...I, generally, know more about the civil rights movement than most of my black friends...I'm usually more versed on matters around immigration and other matters pertaining to hispanics...and in developing countries -- like my teaching experiences in Mexico -- than my hispanic friends can:)...

And I listen...and I constantly absorb and seek to learn new information and understandings and wisdom from a million different people and a million different cultures:):):)...

I've done civil rights and race dialogue and anti-racism work for much of my life...and I know more about civil rights and have worked on it longer than most of my friends of color have done, sometimes combined, defending on the composition of the group or the room...

And the bullshit around this is that racism is wrong no matter who it comes from...people of color...people not of color...whoever the fuck is involved...

And much of the work that I did in race dialogues was to assert this need for white folks to be treated as equals in such conversations as much as people of color...which...on a university campus...was a needed reminder...

I've now had two important encounters with people of color at my work where they have used race cards to try to bully and intimidate their way through work...too often to just avoid it, unfortunately...other times, like today, to just beat up on me because they were feeling shitty, for whatever reasons...

And I get tired of it really quickly...

Especially when I have worked so hard my entire life, really, to create a greater awareness, understanding, and appreciation of others of various cultures, races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, nationalities, educations, backgrounds, professions...and whatever the fuck differences people have between them, really...

And sometimes I have more patience for the bullshit...

But today I didn't...

I guess because I've been dealing with this same bullshit from the same person for a month now...and at some point, you'd think that this son-of-a-bitch would get a clue that WHITE PEOPLE DON'T LIKE RACISM ANY MORE THAN PEOPLE OF COLOR DO...

But I suppose that I will have to say something more directly about it tomorrow...or whenever I talk with this friend...

I also have to say that wherever the hall monitors of political correctness keep their pencils pinned behind their buns and stuffed in their pocket protectors...

I will be defying them:):):)...as nicely...and a sensitively...and as decently as I perpetually can:):):)...

As I've said before on my tripod blog:)...

Building a Better World

...thank you very much, friendly police occifer:):):)...but I think I'll pass on the sanctions on my free expression, thank you very much:):):):):):):)...

If there's one thing people should have figured out by now with me...it is that I am not easily silenced:):):)...and anytime where you might find a temporary manipulation:):):)...I WILL FIND MY OUT OF IT:):):):):):)...

Guaranteed:):):)...

Which is why I want my friend to have the freedom to even say racist shit:):):):):):)...because we all need the freedom to just be ourselves:):):)...and to not have to be something for someone because it makes it look better than we are:):):)...

And...so:):):)...for that reason:):):)...I really appreciate this person:):):) (when I speak positive things about folks -- like when they've got a good thing going, Melissa:):):) -- I'll share their names:):):)...and when I speak shit negative on people on my blog -- where people can get sensitive about how their talked about where lots of people can read about what shitheads they're being:):):) -- then I'll try to write more discreetly:):):)...

I do this as a favor, by the way...for more fragile folks:):):)...it is not your or my right not to have shit talked on us:):):)...it is somerthing I do to care for the all-too-fragile feelings of friends and family:):):)...

But don't push me on it...

Have a good everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Sarah Lunde, David Onstott, and trying to explain the unexplainable...and prevent the preventable...

Sarah Lunde is the 13-year-old Florida girl who was strangled to death allegedly by convicted rapist, David Onstott, a former boyfriend of her mother, Kelly May Lunde...

Sex Offender Charged in Florida Girl's Death

I just want to say that if David did this terrible thing...he's a disgusting bastard for having done so...and whomever did this thing is a disgusting bastard for having done so...

This is such a tragic story of a girl who looks to have worked very hard to transcend a very difficult and troubled childhood through relationships with/in a local Apostolic church...

And whose too brief life was cut short by someone likely terribly callous to be able to kill a 13-year-old girl...

This is a terrible tragedy that deserves all of our sympathy and concern...

As Vickie Chachere, the Associated Press writer who filed the story described:

"Among the mourners were Mark Lunsford, whose daughter Jessica was found dead last month after she was kidnapped from their Citrus County home, and Roy Brown, whose daughter Amanda was murdered in 1997 by a convicted child molester in Tampa."

Lunsford gave his take on Sarah's murder:

"It's sad that it takes something like this to bring a community together," Lunsford said. "America needs to wake up. The next child could be yours."

I feel nothing but compassion for young people like Sarah and Jessica and Amanda, and their fathers and family, like Kelly and Roy and Mark...

And these kinds of crimes, of course, must be prevented, as much as possible...

But I do think America is quite awake around issues concerning violence and abuse against children...

I think the much deeper problem is in finding more effective and sensitive ways of dealing with the problem and all of the myriad of difficult complications in doing so...

I'm concerned that too many people, right now, are convinced that hurting sex offenders and murderers and other violent peoplem, more, rather than being committed to them taking responsibility for their crimes and seeking forgiveness for what they've done -- with some expectation that they will receive forgiveness, at least from those of us committed, responsible, and, thus, willing to do so...

...rather than expecting that doing the same thing we've been doing for almost 2000 years, really (perhaps with less inhumanity and vengeance than we have in the past) will, somehow, yield a different result...

The definition of insanity, as the saying goes, is doing the same thing over and over again:):):)...and expecting a different result:):):)...

And this is no different for this very difficult situation than it is for any other...

In fact, as Reverend Desmond Tutu argues, persuasively, I think, it is MORE IMPORTANT to forgive and to develop and effective process of truth and reconciliation the MORE SERIOUS the crime...

Tutu argues this case when dealing with the most serious crimes known to humanity...crimes of genocide...or mass murder...generally of one ethnic or religious group against another...

Tutu argues that a process of truth and reconciliation -- similar to the process developed by people like Desmond Tutu in South Africa following the terrible crimes of apartheid -- should be developed for the most serious crimes against humanity, in lieu or in conjuction with an international criminal court...

Clearly...some process of forgiveness is needed to help us transcend so many of our very terrible tragedies that have left peoples' -- between larger societies...between peoples and governments...between individuals...individuals like David Onstott and Kelly May Lunde -- with anger and bitterness and pain in their hearts...often lost in darkness...searching for light...

And, given how central the principle of love and compassion and forgiveness -- authentic love and compassion and forgiveness...in contrast to Nancy Reagan's otherwise wonderful bit of advice...we cannot ONLY fake it until we make it...we also have to make it:):):):):):):) -- we might begin to explore alternatives to simply more incarceration or harsher punishment -- which are CLEARLY NOT WORKING, if this case could be evidence to us of anything -- to prevent such terrible tragedies in the future...

To do so will be difficult and challenging...and very painful...for people like Kelly Mae Lunde...and Mark Lundsford...and Roy Brown...

But as the New York Central Park mugging and rape victim, Trisha Meili, demonstrates in her book, "I am the Central Park Jogger: a Story of Hope and Possibility"...it is not only possible...it is preferable...for both the victims and the perpetrators...

Trisha Meili's I am the Central Park Jogger: a Story of Hope and Possibility

As Trisha's story demonstrates...forgiving pain that others have caused us is better for US...not just for those who have hurt us...

And authentically forgiving is a very difficult and painful process of dealing with and experiencing and letting go of our pain more openly and honestly and authentically -- meaning FOR REAL...not just so that we look or fake ourselves out into thinking that we've forgiven when we haven't:):):)...

And to do so is a really critical part of both the healing process...and of growing and deepening and opening and learning and developing and relating as human beings:):):)...

As Wayne Muller, a really wonderful author I encountered while in undergrad writes:):):)...painful situations in our lives are often opportunities for growth that can have advantages that we never imagined if we take up the painful and difficult work of forgiveness and developing genuine compassion and understanding for those who have hurt us -- as well as feeling our authentic feelings of anger and hurt and fear and, sometimes, a desire for revenge...

As Robert Kennedy tells black audience members in his impromptu eulogy for Martin Luther King:

"For those of you who are black and are tempted to be filled with hatred and distrust at the injustice of such an act, against all white people, I can only say that I feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a white man. But we have to make an effort in the United States, we have to make an effort to understand, to go beyond these rather difficult times.

My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He wrote: 'In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.'

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black.

So I shall ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, that's true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love--a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we've had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land.

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world."

I can't say it better than Bobby...Let us dedicate ourselves to tame the savageness of man...and make gentle the life of this earth...

Thanks Bobby...thanks Desmond...thanks Trisha:):):)...thanks Wayne:):):)...

And thanks to everyone whose ever taught me to forgive and love authentically in my life:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Feeling lonely:):):)...loving friends:):):):)...and wondering what the hell has happened to my friend, Brandi Fisher:):):)...

I'm listening to the best album I've heard of Dar Williams'...the Out There Live Album...an all live album of Dar's greatest hits, including Better Things...February...The Babysitter's Here...The Christians and the Pagans...When I Was a Boy...I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono...Are You Out There...What Do You Here in These Sounds...Iowa:):):)...The Ocean:):)...Spring Street:):)...As Cool as I Am:):):)...If I Wrote You...End of the Summer...and After All:):):)...

A ton of really wonderful Dar Williams hits:):):)...if you haven't heard February, The Babysitter's Here, The Christians and the Pagans, When I Was a Boy, Iowa, I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono, and Are You Out There, especially, then you really haven't ever lived:):):):):):)...

I'm feeling kind of lonely lately:):):)...a bunch of things:):):)...

Melissa and I have broken up:):):)...and she's been spending a lot more time (3 nights in one week:):):), with one of my very best friends and a guy that I think would be great for Melissa and whom I've thought from the first time I saw them both in the same room would be a great match for Melissa:):):)...my friend...Dave Gilham:):):)...

I'm totally happy for Melissa and for Dave:):):)...and have totally encouraged and supported their spending time together:):):)...

I've just been missing having Melissa around because she's always such a good listener and it's like having one of your best friends start hanging out with someone of the opposite sex...so you don't get to spend as much time with them, you know?:):):)...

And I'm just kind of missing having Melissa around:):):):):):)...and the amount of time that we've spent together in the last year or so:):):):):):)...I'll really miss it when we aren't doing it every day any more:):):):):):)...

So I'm feeling kind of lonely right now:):):)...

Melissa and I went out last night and saw the town of Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...we ate at this really wonderful little restaraunt called Alladin's Cafe, here in Lawrence:):):)...a wonderful little Middle Eastern/Mediterranean exotic/liberal restaraunt/hang-out here in Lawrence:):):)...we had really yummy vegitarian food:):):)...and had these really wonderful, cute little waitresses waiting on us:):):)...

Melissa and I talked quite a bit yesterday about us...about being broken up:)...about seeing other people:):)...about having sex with other people:):):)...about me still and always planning my future wedding:):):)...especially when I'm single and I've nothing better to do:):):)...about me looking at other women and her looking at other men in public when we're together:):):)...about how we relate, now, differently, since we're broken up:):):)...

It's funny:):):)...it's like being broken up has brought Melissa and I closer together rather than led us to feel farther apart, as is common in former relationships and is certainly true, right now, with a certain ex-girlfriend in my life:):):):):):)...

Brandi hasn't written me in almost 2 weeks...

And this despite the fact that my last correspondence with her was asking her if she might visit my grandmother when she was in Wichita next (she goes often) just to say hi since we're not exactly sure how much longer she'll be with us:)...

Brandi was really loved in my family and I'm sure that my grandma would love to see her:)...

It was a really important request for me...

And Brandi's completely blown it off...

I haven't heard anything:(...

Brandi used to be my best friend...she used to be the most sensitive person I knew...the person I could count on, most, to be supportive during a hard time...

And, right now, I can hardly count on her for anything at all, really...

Not even friendship, right now...

For whatever convoluted reasons that she's conjured up in a heart and mind that I just don't really understand anymore, really...

It's not just that Brandi keeps everything from me, these days...

It's that I just don't get her anymore...

She's changed...

And not for the better...

Not writing -- even out of sympathy or just to say that she couldn't make it to Wichita -- is REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER for Brandi...

I don't know what's going on with Ms. Fisher, but I'm REALLY CONCERNED...

I told Brandi a long time, it seems now, that I had a best friend in high school who got lost in a world of drugs for a long time and it really created some distance between us, at the time...

His name was Mike Coupland...

He was my best friend from high school...

We were best friends...and competitors...as students...as forensics speakers and debaters...and theater kids...as boys in high school looking for support and attention like any kids in high school, really...

And Mike started getting convinced that he couldn't compete with me, anymore...

I was doing more successfully in forensics, at the time...even though Mike and I were also doing successfully together, as duo partners...and not so successfully, later -- my senior year -- as debate partners...but still in it all together...I thought...

But my sophomore year of high school, things started falling apart in Mike's family...and Mike started to slip away from me...

We got in a big fight...physically...Mike beat the shit out of me before I left his house and didn't return to see him at all for quite a long time...

And then my senior year, Mike and I started hanging out again:)...we were debate partners...doing poorly...but together nonetheless:)...

And then the day before/of our regional debate tournament that qualified us for nationals...Mike completely lamed out on me...

One of the biggest debate tournaments for us (since we weren't that good and there was NO WAY IN HELL we were going to NFL Nationals:):):) of the year...

...and Mike just decided he wasn't going to show...

I lost track of Mike for a couple years again...

...when out of the blue he called me from Alaska...in the Air Force...where he was stationed...he joined up after we graduated:):):)...it was a dream of Mike's for quite a while, at that point...

...the dream of a kid who missed and never really knew, very well, a biological father who had been in the military:):):)...

Mike was married and had a daughter at that point:):):)...

...but he didn't seem much happier:(...

He was still lost in drugs (since Mike was stationed in Alaska for drugs and all charges are in the past, I think it's ok to share this...I hope so, at least)...he was not happy in his relationship...or as a father...

Mike had just not really grown up much...or at least not enough to feel confident as a man...and as a husband...and as a father...since I knew him in high school...and the military, clearly, had not really facilitated that maturity very well, either...

...and in Mike's case, they really had no excuse...

...Mike was a bright, creative, ambitious young man...

Clearly, Mike's life is his own, primarily...

But the military's responsibility with kids like Mike, as much as preparing them to kill and fight, is to facilitate their maturity...to support them through a difficult and challenging and often scary time in a young person's life, as Dean Mundy so well describes in his Mundy's Musings on Christianity, referring to similarly aged young men and women going off to college when they are young freshman-aged students:):):)...

Mike moved back to Wichita and we hung out a little bit when I was still going to school at Wichita State University:):):)...I liked hanging out with Mike, again:):):)...though I often did feel like I was still taking care of Mike and supporting him where he struggled to take care of himself:)...

...but, then again, we all need help, sometimes...I'm definitely not an exception to that:):):)...at all:):):)...

...but...for whatever reasons...since I was just coming off of a break-up with my then girlfriend, Jenny Burrington...and was yet to meet my soon-to-be best friend...and...later...girlfriend...Brandi Fisher...I just didn't feel strong enough to support Mike at the time...

Which was really ironic and self-centered on my part...given my anger and hurt and frustration with my sister, Jenny, at the time who was not supportive enough with me as I dealt with my very difficult feelings following Jenny Burrington's and my break-up, for VERY SIMILAR REASONS:):):)...

I guess, even though I was overwhelmed emotionally...with very few resources immediately available to me to handle my situation better...that I was being a little self-centered with Mike, given my own needs, as well:)...

But the whole point, here, is that Mike took a LONG SLIDE from this really bright, ambitious, competitive, creative, sensitive, wonderful guy I knew...

Into this really self-centered...fragile...often unable to cope...or deal with life's challenges...guy...who still had the glimmer of the brighter, ambitious, sensitive, creative, competitive, wonderful guy that I once knew:):):)...

And I told Brandi, at one point, as she starting acting in ways that I really didn't recognize or understand...that I was concerned that she was taking a similar slide...

And not answering back after I tell Brandi about what's going on with my grandmother is really the last bit of confirming evidence for me that Brandi is in trouble...and not really dealing with it...

And it makes very sad:(...

Brandi is angry with me, right now, because I was honest with her in a way she didn't want to here:(...

She was kind of shitting on me in a recent email and I finally told her that I was tired of eating her shit...and that I didn't understand our relationship, at all, these days...Brandi says she wants to be friends...I say that I want to be friends...but Brandi can't handle it...

Which I don't understand, at all, of course, since it makes no sense to me, at all that being broken up means that you can't be friends:)...Melissa and I are navigated fairly well, right now, I think:):):)...

But neither Brandi nor Greg, I don't think, can handle right now...

And...in the meantime...instead of being responsible for that...

Fisher kept putting that shit off on me...

And I had finally had enough of it...

And Brandi has decided that instead of being responsible for that and growing up a little bit and learning to be a big girl with a husband and a friend and ex-boyfriend, that instead she's just gonna hide in her marriage from a friendship that I really value/valued...because it's just too tough for her to grow up a little bit...

I told Brandi that when she and I were together that I never really though twice about seeing Jenny -- my ex-girlfriend...who called me up about 3 years or so into my relationship with Brandi after a divorce...and feeling depressed and wanting some support:) -- because I was TOTALLY in love with Brandi:):):)...there was no question about my commitments to Brandi...and my commitment to my ex-girlfriend as a friend was equally important to me, and was in no way threatening to my relationship with Brandi:):):)...

...because I was UTTERLY and COMPLETELY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH BRANDI FISHER:):):):):):)...

...and there was nothing she had to worry about:):):):):):)...

...because there was NO WAY IN HELL OR ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I was going to cheat on her or leave her:):):):):):)...because I -- and I hope she -- was COMPLETELY CLEAR about where my love and my commitments lay:)...

And I told Brandi that if she doesn't feel that same way about her husband then she must not really know what love is really like:):):)...because I did/do...and if Brandi is really in love with Greg...as I was with Brandi...

...then there should be no issue in seeing me or talking with me or hanging out...

...and certainly not with returning emails:)...

...and certainly not with returning emails about my grandmother who I'm concerned may not get to see Brandi if Brandi won't initiate a visit before she passes from our lives:(...

And Brandi -- after almost 2 weeks of emails -- still has nothing to say...

I hope Brandi comes back from whereever she's gone...

Because Brandi was/is one of the most remarkable people I've ever met in my life...

And to watch someone of her caliber take this kind of slide is really difficult to helplessly stand by and let happen...

I feel very much like my friend, Todd's, newest character of study:):):)...and a REALLY GREAT idea for an updated play that's he's working on:):):)...

Prometheus...of Aeschylus' ancient greek tragedy, Prometheus Bound:):):):):):)...

Prometheus brings fire to human beings and thus gives them power...

Zeus punishes humans for their new found power...

And Prometheus must stand helplessly by watching human beings suffer with the fire that he brought to them, unable to do anything to end their suffering...

I hope Brandi finds her fire again...because right now she's in a place that I don't know or recognize or understand...one that I don't even have too many details about since she shares so little with me, these days...

And I can only hope that she will dig her way out of whatever hole she's dug herself into...

I've made it all the way through Dar's greatest hits album:):):)...I'm listening to the song that originally roped me into Dar Williams, an artist I first discovered with Brandi, The Christians and the Pagans:):):):):):)...

I hope Brandi will find it in her heart, at some point, to "find faith and common ground," as the Christians and Pagans do in Dar's beautiful little tune:):):)...

In our case, it's really not quite as difficult or as dramatic:):):)...

In Dar's song, the young lesbian pagan couple have not seen or talked with their Christian relatives in quite a while:):):)...

And when Christmas and Solstice brings them together for a common holiday celebration, they seek faith and common ground amidst a significant break in their not-quite-so-close-or-intimate relationship:):):)...

For Brandi and I, it is seeking faith and common ground between a Christian/Pagan/Jew/Buddhist/soft atheist/agnostic/secular humanist/academic and universally spiritual dude and a Reform Jew after two weeks of no mutual communication in a relationship where they have talked almost if not every week for almost 9 years...and who talked EVERY DAY before that, for almost 5 and 1/2 years...

But even though it's only been 2 weeks...it's the longest time I've ever spent not communicating with Brandi that I can remember...and it makes me really sad:(...

Most of all because I don't think I've done anything wrong...

Except be honest with her...

Which is exactly what a friend/best friend does...and which is what I expect and often get from Brandi...and why I've always considered her my best friend...the reason why she sticks out so much...

Because she's always more loving and honest and than any of my friends...

And I miss her loving and honest voice in my life, right now:(...

And as Akon and Alvin of the Chipmunks, sing...it makes me feel...

"Lonely...so lonely"...

There's this girl that Melissa and I saw yesterday eating outside while we were walking down Massachusetts who is really sweet...and really attractive:):):)...and who I know -- from previous, quiet encounters, I know is attracted to me:):):)...she's a real sweetheart:):):)...

I don't even know her name:):):)...but she's a realy sweety:):):)...and very social:):):)...and really outgoing and willing to take social risks:):):)...all reasons that attracted me to Brandi as a human being, nevertheless as a potential friend or girlfriend, when I first met her:):):)...

And right now...I'm trying to let go of my relationship/friendship with Brandi altogether...at least for awhile...until Fisher gets her shit figured out:):):)...

And I think I'll be asking out this girl as soon as I see her again in a setting where I might be able to talk with her/get to know her a little bit:):):)...

And in the meantime:):):)...a friendship with Brandi will just have to wait, I guess, until she can grow up a little bit:):):)...

I sure hope that's sooner rather than later:):):)...

Joel and Julie caught Melissa and I at Borders, last night:):):)...and we went to Liberty to see Woody Allen's newest movie, Melinda, Melida, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone interested:):):)...Woody Allen is still the master:):):)...and this movie demonstrates the staying power of his talents and vision as a filmmaker:):):)...one of his best:):):):):):)...a tribute to theater of the 40's, 50's, and 60's, set in the long view of tragedy and comedy throughout the ages...and set, immediately, in 21st Century New York City, of course:):):):):):)...a really wonderful little story of the wonderful little accidents that lead to love and friendship for all of us:):):):):):)...

I highly recommend:):):)...

And it was really neat to hang out with Joel and Julie and Melissa and Joel and Julie's friend, Joe, and Pam Grout and her new beau, and Matt and everyone else we met and hung with last night:):):)...enjoying time together with people who love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...I love my friends from EMU:):):)...Joel and Julie, in particular:):):)...and Melissa, as always, of course:):):)...

And it was a nice antidote to my lonliness from earlier that day:):):)...and a good memory to help me through lonliness today:):):)...

Thanks to Akon for the beautiful song:):):)...to Woody Allen for the beautiful movie:):):)...

By the way...the reason why I think Melinda, Melinda may be one if not THE BEST Woody Allen film?...

Because...for once:):):):):):)...

Love works out for almost everyone in this movie:):):):):):)...despite themselves:):):):):):)...

And for once, Woody Allen seemed to really believe in love:):):):):):)...

Good for Woody:):):):):):)...and for the rest of us:):):):):):)...

A superb movie:):):)...

And a superb night:):):)...

I hope everyone has a great day:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

U2:):):)...

I've trying posting this piece on U2 FIVE times -- at least -- now, on my tripod blog for TWO days, and NO LUCK:(...

So:):):):)...even though my blogspot blog doesn't post things until a day after, at this point, it seems the better option if a bit anti-climactic given the "in the moment" nature of the blog...oh well...

I listened all morning, yesterday morning, to U2's Rattle and Hum album:):):)...The Greatest Album on the Face of the Planet:):):)...I love these bastards:):):)...

When you get to the bottom, you go back to the top...of the slide, and you stop and turn and you go for a ride, then you get to the bottom, then you see me again!!!:):):):):):)...

I would give both fucking testacles and my left ass cheek to see these fuckers in Kansas City when they come here this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):):):):):)...

I FUCKING LOVE U2...I'm not gay, but if I was...nah...I couldn't do anything gay with Bono:):):):):):)...he's just too much heterosexual man for me:):):):):):):):):):)...and, as I always say, if I ever fucked a man, I'd have to be the top:):):)...and I'd never think of Bono the same again head down in a pillow:):):):):):) (I think I just made my friends Dolly and Jay just hurl their fucking oatmeal with that line:):):):):):)...

OK:):):)...I just spent all of Helter Skelter (and two playbacks to get lyrics right:):):), writing about U2:):):)...that's how much I love U2...that I will put off writing about terrorism or poverty or violence or chits or sex or drugs or rock-and-roll or what the fuck ever to write about my favorite fucking band on the entire fucking planet:):):):):):)...

I am now listening to Van Diemen's Land, which, if you haven't heard it, is this really fucking beautiful song that the Edge, U2's lead guitarist (I love that U2 is so big that most people who might read this don't need me to spell out information like that:):):):):):), wrote and SINGS (which is an Edge rarity:):):):):):)...

And now I'm listening to this useless fucking interview that U2 does with this pretensious little young music critic/journalist:):):):):)...and now Desire:):):)...

See...as I complain with ALL my friends:):):):):):)...THESE were the fucking days:):):):):):)...when U2 sang this SOULFUL fucking MEANINGFUL music full of anger and sadness and purpose:):):):):):):):):):):):)...THESE were the fucking days:):):):):):)...I love the new single that Bono sings and dedicates to his father, who just passed away:):):):):):):):)...

But something about the sound of U2 -- not just the lyrics or the absence of enough politics in their music (though they do have a new single about the AIDS crisis in Africa that I haven't heard yet and am eager to hear:):):), is just not as soulful as when they were these young kids out of Ireland just making it big:):):):):):)...

This movie, by the way, if you haven't seen it is THE SINGLE BEST ROCK MUSIC MOVIE/DOCUMENTARY that I've ever seen, and was my first real introduction to U2...it is the documentary/concert movie of their Joshua Tree tour, which was, of course, one of the most popular and beloved albums and tours in America, and likely the world:):):)...

...surprisingly...my early encounters with U2 were not really so positive:):):)...I was not familiar with U2 much outside of early radio play, which I was, frankly, more spooked by than inspired by:):):):):):)...I love With or Without You, now:):):):):):)...but when I was in 8th grade and heard it while at a party with my first real girlfriend (and my first real kiss:):):):):):)...yeah...you know what kind of kiss I'm talking about:):):):):):):):):)...tongue and everything:):):):):):):):):), Nannette McNeil:):):):):):), I don't know...maybe it was because it was my first real party and I was nervous...or maybe it was because I was in 8th grade and just too young to understand a song like With or Without You...or maybe because With or Without You has that really creepy/seductive feeling of the Police's I'll Be Watching You:):):):):):)...I don't know what the fuck it was...but for some wierd fucking crazy reason, when I first remember hearing U2, I didn't like 'em:):):):):):)...but then I saw that early fucking Bono haircut:):):)...you know the one I'm talking about:):):)...the wild spike on top with the long, untamed tresses behind:):):):):):)...the one that made him look like the little artsy fuck he was back in those days:):):):):):) (and where I'd like his little Irish, AIDS lobbying, 60-year-old-rich-and-famous-aging-rock-and-roll ass to go back to:):):):):):):):):)...and I was sold:):):):):):)...

OK:):):):):):)...we've now made it through Hawkmoon 269, which is an AWESOME song, by the way:):):):):):)...and we are now on their cover of All Along the Watchtower:):):) (which I think is my favorite cover/version of that song...sorry Jimmy...sorry Bob...but Bono is the just the fuckin' man:):):):):):)...

My favorite song on this album, probably my favorite U2 song, and quite possibly my favorite song of all time is the next song coming out (which I'm skipping to now just because I love it so much:):):)...it's the Rattle and Hum version of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For":):):):):):)...

If you have not heard this version, you must immediately slash your left wrist, donate blood, and use the proceeds to buy this fucking album:):):)...

...or you could just use Bearshare:):):):):):)...

The Rattle and Hum version has this INCREDIBLE gospel choir in the background that is giving me chills right now this very second:):):):):):)...it is AWESOME:):):):):):)...THIS is what I mean by SOULFUL:):):):):):)...

I would DIE A SLOW AND TORTUROUS DEATH OF ANYONE'S CHOOSING to see/hear this song (gospel style...or any style, really:):):) in concert:):):):):):)...

I have been to many concerts...but I have never seen Bono, the Edge, Larry Mullins, and Adam Clayton live on stage:):):):):):)...and I would definitely give anything to see/meet them:):):):):):):)...

God, this song fucks with my heart in ALL THE RIGHT WAYS:):):):):):):):):):)...and a song I only understand fully much older in life:):):):):):):):):)...

Coming next:):):)...Freedom for My People:):):):):):)...

And, then:):):)...we'll go back to All Along the Watchtower:):):):):):)...and maybe listen to I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For again:):):):):):)...

There must be some way out of here:):):)...said the joker to the thief:):):):)...

If you cannot tell:):):):)...I am TOTALLY JAMMING to U2, right now:):):):):):)...I love U2:):):)...

They remind me of this really AWESOME time in my life when I was just beginning to really come into my own:):):)...I really got into U2 during my junior year of high school:):):)...I was just beginning to get much more substantially independent of my father and my family:):):) (and I didn't regularly say words like "substantially":):):):):):)...I was going away a lot during the summers to camps at places like Baltimore, for the International Hugh O'Brien Youth Organization conference...or Indianapolis, for the National Future Teacher's Academy at Indiana University:):):):):):)...or Emporia State University for the Kansas Future Teacher's camp:):):)...or Wichita, for the local HOBY conference:):):)...or the University of Kansas for Boy's State:):):)...when I think about it:):):)...I spent much more time on university campuses at that time then I really realized:):):)...

Which was exactly what was going on during my life at that time:):):):):):)...

I was preparing to go away to college...to a world that I had always dreamed of:):):)...where intelligence and imagination and creativity is nurtured and supported:):):):):):)...a place (even if, in some ways it was still, partly, only fantasy:):):), of freedom of thought and expression and a place where I could much more substantially just be myself:):):):):):)...

I left home the year after my senior year, moved into the house of a fraternity that heavily recruited me:):):) (and where I could move to for cheap and where the guys seemed to like me a lot:):):)...even if it was only, partly, because I would bring great grades to the house:):):):):):)...and I got a life of my own:):):):):):):):):)...

...all of which was some of the best years of my life:):):):):):)...because I was finally becoming my own man:):):):):):)...

...and doing so in a place that, as much substantially as symbolically, was a place where I could develop my own mind:):):):):):)...

A great time in my life:):):):):):)...Jennifer Lipka:):):):):):) (not a girlfriend:):):)...but one of my best friends, at the time:):):)...from a the town that has produced many, many outstanding people in the world and in my life including Jason Abramowitz, Dolly Johnson, David Blick, David Gilham, Skinny Jay Adams, The Duke, their coaches Gill Cooper and Jerry Miller, Holly of Holly and Nigel, Kelsey Johnson?:):):), Tyler?:):):)...and everyone else from the great land of Pittsburg, Kansas:):):):):):)...

...visit here to see the home of my friends and now family:):):):):):)...

www.pittstate.edu/

...right now I'm listening to one of my favorite songs on this album:):):)...Silver and Gold:):):)...

...which has this really FUCKING AWESOME speech by Bono in the middle of it:):):)...which is really fucking appropriate for this time in my life:):):)...where Bono takes some time to talk about the writing of this song...in a hotel room...at a concert put together by a friend of their's, Little Stephen of Artists Against Apartheid...Bono spends about 30 seconds describing the conditions of apartheid and their inspiration for the writing of the song:):):)...

...and at the end of his little speech he asks, "Am I bugging you?":):):):):):)...

...and he VERY SARCASTICALLY answers, "Don't mean to bug ya...OK, Edge...play the blues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"........

...and play the blues the Edge does:):):)...along with this really awesome percussion jam from Larry Mullins:):):):):):):):):)...the visual I get from listening to that little instrumental riff is AWESOME:):):):):)...

And now...probably my other favorite U2 song of all time and favorite song of all time...

Pride...In the Name of Love:):):):):)....An angry, defiant, beautiful song about the assassination of my hero, Dr. Martin Luther King...

In the name of love...one fall in the name of love...

In the name of love...one fall in the name of love...

Early morning...April 4...shot rings out in a Memphis...

Free at last...they took your life...they could not take your PRIDE:):):):):):):):):):)...

In the name of love...one fall in the name of love....

Oh-oh-oh-oh:):):):):):)...Bono sings:):):)...

Oh-oh-oh-oh:):):):):):)...the crowd sings back:):):)...

For the Reverend Martin Luther King, Bono speaks back:):):)...SING...

I fuckin' love that song:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

OK:):):)...this has been almost an exclusive U2 dedication:):):)...and I haven't even gotten to my big news yet:):):)...

Angel of Harlem is playing right now, by the way:):):):):):)...

This morning:):):)...I learned two things:):):)...

1) COPD may be, at least, something that can be slowed:):):)...and we will hope that it can be reversed:):):)...that one's for my grandma:):):)...who I still have important things to share about the life of this really very beautiful, amazing woman:):):):):):)...

...and...

2) My section of Amarr, EPS...initials for the commerical garage doors produced by Amarr, the exact words which they stand for I have no fucking clue:):):)...

EPS...my crew:):):):)...in addition to being the crew that set 5 of the 6 production records that teams I was a part of at Amarr set during my time there:):):)...

...in addition to all of that:):):)...our big boss just reported this morning that EPS improved productivity in the last 6 months more than he had seen in 11 years at Amarr:):):):):):)...

...which means two things to me that are really important:):):):):):)...

1) That the ideas that I've been working with have application in business and for-profit settings as much as in education and non-profit settings:):):):):):)...which expands, significantly, I'd say, their potential application and profitability, I'd say:):):) (and while I do not live my life for profit:):):)...I have no reservations about ACCEPTING profit as a part of my efforts:):):):):):)...wouldn't that just be the irony of all ironies is I turn out to make more money than all of my friends who have been so scared about money that they were sure that the risks that I've taken are exactly what they want to avoid:):):):):):)...

...and:):):):):):)...

2):):):):):):)...

I now have easy bragging rights to LAY HEAVY LOADS OF STINKING SHIT ON EVERY MOTHERFUCKER WHO EVER CALLED ME LAZY when I was down and out and not knowing which way to piss:):):):):):)...

And there is a certain female mechanic friend in particular who will be getting MAJOR FUCKING SHIT FROM ME ON THIS ONE:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

You know who you are, biatch:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And your's is coming, my friend:):):):):):):):):)...

MUH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...the advantages of being brilliant ahead of your time and wise beyond your years:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)...

You may all call me Mr. Genius, now:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And if I let a certain institution of higher education graduate me:):):):):):)...you may all call me "Dr. Genius":):):):):):), at some point:):):):):):)...

...an article about Amarr, by the way:):):)...with a big shout out to my friends in the Kaw Valley Living Wage Campaign:):):)...who's work had consequence on folks like Amarr, who got it's tax abatement with a guarantee of living wage jobs for those jobs that it expands:):):)...the folks at the Living Wage Campaign done good:):):)...

...though not nearly as good as the VOLUNTARY LIVING WAGE which has VIRTUALLY SWEPT LAWRENCE, thanks to those of us who worked on that effort:):):):):):)...

http://ljworld.com/section/progress2004a/story/167882

...and a really quirky little Amarr-related website I thought everyone (except, maybe, some really freaky, Amarr cult worshippers:):):):):):)...

http://www.eve-db.com/corporations/64.htm

When Love Comes to Town:):):):):):)...U2's BRILLIANT collaboration with the reigning GOD of the blues -- along with Eric Clapton:):):) -- B.B. King:):):):):):)...

Ask my heroes and yours, Dire Straight, once opined:):):):):):)...

The future's so bright:):):):):):)...

I gotta wear shades:):):):):):)...

Hope your future's looking as bright as mine:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love:):):)...

The Master:):):)...Dr. who?...no, I really it:):):)...Dr. who?...who the fuck is that numbnuts?:):):):):):)...

See y'all on the other side:):):):):):)...

Benji Warbucks:):):):):):)...

...I'll save Heartland, U2's homage to the American breadbasket:):):), God Pt. 2, Bono's dedication to John Lennon:):):), U2's inclusion of Jimi Hendrix's electric guitar homage to the Star Spangled Banner at the beginning of Bullet the Blue Sky at one of their concerts on their Joshua Tree tour:):):) (can you tell these guy's LOVE AMERICA:):):):):):)...for good goddamned reason, really:):):):):):)...for all it's faults:):):):):):)...GREATEST GODDAMN COUNTRY ON THE FUCKING FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH:):):):):):)...Bullet the Blue Sky, by the way, is the namessake for the Rattle and Hum album:):):)..."in the locust wind...comes a rattle and hum":):):)...or something like that:):):)...and...finally:):):)...All I Want is You:):):):):):)...

...I'll save all those for myself:):):):):):)....

Oh...wait:):):):):):)...we've made it through the whole album:):):):):):)...

Now:):):)...in response to Jimi Hendrix's famous question, you can say, "I am indeed experienced:):):):):):)...I have experienced U2's Rattle and Hum album:):):):):):)...

No...you really can't say that until you've heard the album/concert:):):):):):)...it's really too awesome not to hear at least once in your life:):):):):):)...

I gotta see these guys in concert:):):):):):)...they are the rebirth of Greek and Roman gods of yore peeking down on mere mortals for the pleasure of teasing their power and testing their influence:):):)...they are more powerful than gods, really:):):)...

...they are rock stars:):):):):):):):):)...

..."I chill back in my hotel room with John Coltraine and a Love Supreme...in the next room, I hear some woman scream out...and her lover is turning off, turning on the television...and I can't tell the difference between ABC News, Hill Street Blues, and a preacher on the old time gospel hour...stealing money from the sick...and the old"

"...well the God I believe in isn't short of cash, mister:):):):):):)...

"I feel a long way from the hills of San Salvador...where the sky is ripped open...and the rain runs into a deepened wound..."

"...RUN...RUN...into the arms...of America":):):):):):):):):):):):)..

"You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold..."

"You say you want your story to remain untold..."

"Well, all the promises we made...from the cradle until the grave..."

"When all I want...is you"...

You say you'll give me a highway with noone on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me eyes on a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

All the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you...

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want a diamond on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

All I want is you

(noone's ever really seen me jam all out with air drums, before, I don't think, other than Melissa, maybe:):):)...but imagine me doing just that, right now:):):):):):)...

All I want is you:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S.:):):)...we ventured by Borders yesterday:):):)...and there are several new exciting albums that folks should check out:):):)...the most exciting new album I listened to was called Atom Bomb by the Blind Boys of Alabama:):):)...

http://www.blindboys.com/main.html

...it is a gospel/rap album that rocks the fuckin' house:):):)...I HIGHLY recommend:):):)...and even though U2 is my favorite overall band...I have to say that this Atom Bomb is a far superior album, I believe, than U2's newest, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb:):):)...sounds very much like some of the gospel and blues of off's my boys' Rattle and Hum album which sounded so great then and would be nice to hear again, today:):):)...definitely check out the two lead songs, (Jesus Hits Like the) Atom Bomb, which even non-Christians, I think, can appreciate for some really rockin' and soulful gospel:):):)...these guys are about WAY MORE THAN JESUS:):):)...and their music reflects it:):):)...and if you're still not convinced, do not miss the second single, Demons, which features a rap/gospel mix that is OUT OF THIS WORLD:):):)...also check out their cover of Spirit in the Sky, which is much more soulful and churchy than the Norman Greenbaum original...and their tribute to the OG, himself...the Original man of God...Moses:):):)...very cool album:):):)...

A second exciting new album was the new They Might Be Giants release, Here Come the ABC's:):):)...

http://www.theymightbegiants.com/

...it is another kids' album, as was their last release, No!:):):)...but this is a FAR SUPERIOR album that kids and adults alike will LOVE:):):)...really great stuff and really great application of They Might Be Giants' affinity for both fun nonsense and silly musical styles and their love for learning:):):)...Great stuff on this album that I sat and listened to almost completely straight through, yesterday, in the middle of Borders, without a single person under the age of 18 anywhere in sight:):):)...I liked, No!, their last computer CD-interactive kids' release:):):)...but NOT NEARLY AS MUCH as Here Come the ABC's:):):)...which maintains TMBG's musical edge while still appealing and teaching and even featuring, on this album, the little kiddies:):):):):):)...definitely check out The Vowel Family, which features a ton of kids trying to identify a vowel shown to them in their own cute little fumbling ways:):):)..., Who Put the Alphabet in Alphabetical Order?:):):)...featuring a new female voice with TMBG that I don't recognize but really enjoyed:):):)...Alphabet of Nations, which is both an exciting alphabet and geography lesson that is challenging for both kids and adults, alike:):):)...so kids AND parents can listen and learn something new:):):)...and it also happens to be a really kickin' song:):):)...and E Eats Everything:):):):):):), a very fun little song about the most popular letter in the English language:):):)...the letter E:):):)...all around a great album:):):)...especially for families:):):)...a much improved effort over both No!, the Giants' first kids' album release (they've gone on to do quite a bit of kids' TV work, including winning a grammy for their efforts:):):), and the last album of their's I heard, The Spine, a pretty lackluster effort, I thought...like How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, I thought TMBG kind of sold out on this album and tried, too hard, to make a pop album rather than just be the Giants:):):)...I've not heard their live album, Almanac:):):)...so I can't comment, really, on the Giant's most recent efforts:):):)...except to say that this one is outstanding:):):)...and a combination of everything that make one of my favorite bands so great:):):)...

Also might want to check out Beck's new album, which was superb as ever:):):)...and a new folk album whose artist's name I am TOTALLY FORGETTING, which is too bad because her album was REALLY GOOD:):):)...oh well:):):)...another time:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...I've got to rest:):):)...

I'm beat:):):)...

:):):)...

A long night at work:):):)...but another really satisfying one:):):)...my leadership abilities are shining like moonbeams over the night shift at Amarr, right now:):):)...it's a team effort, of course:):):)...and I'm really proud of all of our efforts:):):)...and grateful to be working with such a good team, generally:):):)...

...but I've clearly had an impact, which I think my bosses and co-workers would all acknowledge at this point:):):)...it's very validating that see the kind of non-verbal, supportive responses that I get from everyone at Amarr:):):)...it tells you that you've done something beautiful:):):)...even if all you're doing is building garage doors:):):)...

I really need to clean up that last post:):):)...it's a MESS:):):)...but there's good stuff in there, I promise:):):)...

I also need to clean up this apartment, which is also a MESS:):):)...and I need to file my taxes...and look for teaching jobs:):):)...and submit stuff for publication:):):)...and write my play:):):)...and see all my friends:):):)...

...and somewhere in there I need to find time -- but much more importantly, a girl -- to date:):):):):):):)...

But right now:):):)...I'm way to bushed:):):):):):):)....I'm going to go sleep for awhile:):):)...

I hope everyone is having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why punishment is less effective than talking to constructively work through issues:):):)...

I'm only going to blog for a few minutes, here, because I'm in the middle of trying to sleep for work:):):)...

...but I did want to take a few minutes to discuss why punishment is so much less effective than talking to constructively work through difficult issues:):):)...

...I mean, communicating a problem that is clearly not seen, since, by definition it is unresolved is obvious, of course:):):)...

...but I mean:):):)...beyond that:):):)...

The big reason, psychologically, is that people have limited developed pain thresholds for any given moment:):):)...our pain threshold can grow over time:):):)...but...like everything in life:):):)...it is limited:):):)...

So we can only absorb so much pain and comprehend it at any given time:):):)...and overwhelming our pain threshold only makes more difficult our efforts to interpret pain -- that people cause us and that we cause others -- at any given moment:):):)...

So understanding that pain is actually IMPEDED by creating too much of it:):):)...it's information overload for our emotional senses:):):)...and it is too confusing and too much to comprehend at any one moment:):):)...

So the way out of this dilemna is to communicate as effectively, as clearly, and as unambiguously as possible -- this is the real rub:):):) -- so that adding to our pain threshold -- and our natural, healthy, and functional self-defenses that keep too much pain at bay:):):) -- does not overwhelm our ability to understand difficult, uncertain, forever confusing, and always infinitely complex realities that we can only begin to comprehend with limited capacities at any given moment:):):)...

I won't say that we develop our abilities slowly, necessarily:):):)...though this is often true, as well:):):)...because my experience is that there are definitely moments of punctuated equilibrium in our psychological evolution, I believe:):):)...

For anyone not familiar with the late Stephen Jay Gould's concept of punctuated equilibrium, it refers to the propensity in biological evolution (which is relevant here, even though I am refering to psychological, social, and cultural evolution:):):)...for life to become infinitely more complex and adaptive in response to very dramatic realities:):):)...

Dramatic events like asteroids hitting earth, killing multiple or single species and creating environments that existing species must make similarly dramatic adjustments to their new settings are good examples of punctuated equilibrium:):):)...volcanoes creating similarly dramatic disruptions...or massive floods or events that are otherwise beyond the limited capacities of species to adapt to events (the consequences of global warming might turn out to be one such similar kind of event in human evolution in the future:):):), are all good examples of punctuated equilibrium:):):)...

Similarly, pyschological, social, and cultural evolution can be impacted, I believe and in my experience, by dramatic events for individuals or groups that have dramatic events that occur to them that are beyond their present abilities to cope or thrive or adjust to those events:):):)...meaning that some people/species will fold, self-defend, stagnate, regress or otherwise suffer under harsh, critical, or dramatic circumstances:):):)...

But, as Victor Frankl describes in a wonderful little book, Man's Search for Meaning, that my dad read in his undergrad at the University of Michigan:):):)...and that Abraham Maslow references in my favorite book of all time, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature:):):):)...some people are able to thrive and grow even under the most unlikely and overwhelming of circumstances:):):) (in Frankl's case, suffering through the ugliness of the holocaust), even while others suffer:):):)...

And my experiences, in the last few years, at the very least, reflect some of that capacity on my own part, I believe:):):)...I'm very proud of my ability to thrive even in the most difficult of circumstances:):):):):):)...I am actually amazed by it, much of the time:):):)...and the last two years have definitely been one of the most dramatic tests of that ability that I've ever suffered/lived/survived/thrived/grew through:):):):):):)...I'm really pretty overwhelmingly amazed, really:):):):):):)...I really can't believe just how much shit I can shovel so quickly and efficiently and with increasing abilities to observe, understand, and navigate more and more complex and difficult terrains and understandings of the same terrain:):):):):):)...it's kind of amazing to me, really:):):)...

And we would all do better, I believe, from both experience and my own understandings:):):), if we supported each other through such realities with the least posssible necessary aggression (a term that I'm quite sure will likely be used like "democracy" and "freedom" to rationalize less ideal and uglier versions of it, perverting, at times, it's truest, best, most beautiful, most constructive abilities and potential and ever-more-ideal actualities:):):)...that if we used the least possible necessary aggression, we will support better functioning, surviving, and thriving, growing, and learning of more and more people and other species dependent on human support for its survival and thriving:):):)...

All of our psychological, political, educational, social, and cultural development and evolution would be far better enhanced, I believe, if we were to LOWER the pain thresholds that we create for people to observe, explore, understand, learn about, integrate, and otherwise navigate to support each other and one another better in our ever expanding and critical development and evolution:):):)...

Punishment/justice/beating up on others, physically or emotionally/revenge/or otherwise rationalizing hurting people in the name of teaching them adds to our already too heavy pain load and makes it more, rather than less, difficult for us to negotiate, navigate, explore, learn about, and understand our intrapersonal, interpersonal, larger social, cultural, political, physical and other environments so that we can function more succesfully within them:):):)...and limiting any one person's functioning limit's ALL of our functioning, both short term and long term:):):)...short term, because it focusses our attention away from more constructive means of functioning in our immediate and short term situations:):):)...we all have ever expanding but still limited developed capacities to anticipate and navigate ever-complex social and psychological terrains:):):)...but it also limits our long-term individual and general capacities, as well:):):)...both in a cumulative sense (all the little immediate and short term situations and opportunities for learning and growth that we miss or ignore:):):)...

...but MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY:):):)...as the repercussions of limiting the already limited functioning of others puts further stress on limited abilities to navigate and cope and thrive and grown in always stressful situations:):):)...

So hurting others doesn't just lead us to do stupid shit that we could otherwise use our time and energy to do much more valuable shit in our lives and the lives of others:):):)...

...but it also frustrates the already too frustrated efforts of others to deal with their own lives and, as a consequence, to often make our lives more difficult:):):):):):)...

And more ideal functioning consists of us seeing these cycles to better navigate them and circumnavigate cycles and trends and series of less than ideally functioning or more destructive or stagnating or regressive cycles:):):):):):)...

More freedom and less pain means for better thriving, even in difficult or hard times for people, generally, to cope with, thrive in, and navigate:):):)...and more understanding for immediate, short term, and long term future navigations of ever complex realities that, as we develop more finely tuned senses to note complexity, seem and are more complex as our limited psychological abilities to detect, understand, sense and navigate them become more complex as well:):):)...

Trying to "beat away" such complexity (proverbially beating our little primate chests, so to speak:):):), just makes it ALL THE MORE DIFFICULT for ALL OF US to navigate difficult realities:):):):):):)...and no amount of pain will ever make that difficulty go away...and will, generally, make it much more complex and difficult to navigate the more we maintain such a poor orientation to complex realities:):):)...

It's a foolish and ironic instinct we humans have to become more aggressive in the face of stress and fear since -- given a certain threshold of real satiation of hunger, shelter, and safety needs -- it becomes increasingly and often exponentially, I believe, counterproductive -- meaning it makes things MORE, NOT LESS difficult to handle -- than if we had just chilled the fuck out, so to speak:):):):):):), so that we could begin to understand complex, difficult and stressful realities more clearly:):):):):):)...

My friends and I just did this together, this weekend, I think:):):):):):)...which is why I'm feeling so inspired to write so GODDAMN MUCH today:):):):):):):):):):)...and doing some pretty fucking advanced work for a guy who still hasn't finished his Ph.D., I have to say:):):):):):)...

If Tom hasn't read this post and figured out that I am ONE BRILLIANT MOTHERFUCKER:):):), I doubt that ANYTHING will convince him:):):):):):)...

Gotta go try to sleep for awhile:):):):):):)...

I hope everyone is having as an amazingly productive and incredibly inspiring day as me:):):):):):)...

The best day of my life, I think:):):):):):)...and it's only getting better:):):):):):):):):)...

Spread love, please:):):):):):)...it's much sexier and sweeter than hate:):):):):):):):):)...really:):):):):):):):):)....

More freedom and equity make for better experiences of life and work and families and democracy and markets and everything than less freedom and equity:):):)...

Maslow and Sen can both see this, in part:):):)...as can Nye, less than Sen...and Sen less than Maslow:):):)...

The three best books that I've read substantial portions of for all three of these authors is The Farther Reaches of Human Nature, by Abraham Maslow, Development as Freedom, by Amartya Sen, and The Paradox of American Power, by Joseph Nye:):):)...I imagine that Joe's newer book, Soft Power, is probably a better illucidation of his ideas:):):)...and Amartya may have a newer book as well:):):)...but Abraham, unfortunately, passed from our immediate and biological presence (or at least his and our conjoint living biological presence:):):) in 1972, I believe:):):)...so we will have to mine the beauty and wonder that it Abraham Maslow's brilliant work while he was living, which is, fortunately, terribly abundant:):):)...

And much of the reason why I am not just satisifed with writing books and giving lectures is that I HAVE NO INTEREST (NOR DOES ANYONE ELSE) with any wisdom I might have to develop, share, or leave to leave with me:):):)...I want EVERYONE to have it...and more:):):):):):)......and different:):):):):):)...

As I said in a much earlier post (like a year earlier:):):), on my other post on tripod...



...my goal as a teacher is to have my students KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY:):):):):):)...

...and...if possible:):):)...while I'm still alive and kicking:):):)...

...that is:):):)...if you chickenshit motherfuckers think you can catch me:):):):):):)...

Good luck, biatches:):):):):):)...

In the meantime:):):)...lot's a good stuff I have to write up as I get the chance:):):)...

Oh, how a full time studying situation would be so much more efficient and effective for me to share everything I'm learning:):):)...one day, soon:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...I really do love everyone:):):)...though, like most people:):):), I do love my closest homies best:):):):):):)...but love to everyone, nonetheless:):):)...

Love,
Ben "Annie" Ashcroft:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Also:):):)...if you haven't checked out my most recent tripod post on the great chit controversy of 2005:):):):):):), I would HIGHLY recommend doing so:):):):):):)...to see what's got me so goddamn inspired today, as as NBA Jams and Jason "The Sexiest Man Alive" Blick might say, "on fire":):):):):):):):):)...

I'm back:):):):):):):)...

Welp:):):)...blogexplosion has told me that I can't keep this second blog on blogexplosion unless I keep it active:):):)...so I'm going to start writing on both blogs:):):)...

...to keep thing interesting:):):):):)...

...I guess this will be like having two email accounts:):):)...so people can catch what I have to say/share in different places:):):)...

I don't know:):):)...we'll see:):):)...this will be an experiment:):):)...

This is a test:):):)...this is only a test:):):)...

Love,
Ben

benfrankln.tripod.com/bensutherland/

I have had endless problems ever since I first came to blogspot with my blog:):):)...I do appreciate the opportunity to manage my own free blog:):):)...but I think I'm going to doing my primary blogging on Tripod from now on:):):)...I just got my blog back there (I thought I'd overwritten it:)...and I like the Tripod better, generally, anyway:):):)...

...that and I haven't been able to see my last post for the last week:):):)...

Thanks, Blogspot:):):)...I'll be back when I can post again:):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S....and speaking of being back when I can post again:):):)...my first post is a hyperlink to my Tripod blog:):):)...

http://benfrankln.tripod.com/bensutherland/

I'm back...

I only have a few minutes, here, before I go to bed...but I wanted to write again and get a chance to flesh out some of the ideas that I am working on publishing (as well as share about my life:):):)...

I am of renewed and secure liberal faith, as of late:):):)...I am totally confident in the ideas that I'm working on, now, which means a lot in my life since ideas are THE stuff of life, I think:):):)...the stuff that guides life:):):)...as Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan recently told a British audience, empires come and go...but ideas are the building blocks of history:):):)...in other words...power is here for an instant...good ideas are here for an eternity...

The principles I'm working with right now I have developed a modified name for to avoid as much confusion as possible:):):)...

The principle I am working with is "least possible necessary aggression"...I am sure, as with other ideas, that this one can be and will be distorted...but good ideas are embedded in reality as much as they are in our own minds and imaginations...so reality will help people find their way toward better development and realization of this and other ideas that grow out of this principle:):):)...

The jist of the principle is that aggression sometimes necessary...when it is, the least possible necessary amount of aggression is most likely to accomplish the best results...and it does so because of a principle that is much more fundamental to human nature...the need for freedom...

Abraham Maslow discussed this need as fundamental to peoples' more self-actualized development in his work...I would especially recommend his final writings gathered together after he died in his book The Farther Reaches of Human Nature...

My work seeks to integrate Maslow's work with other relevant policy insights that can help us steer wiser courses in the development of more self-actualized people and self-actualized cultures...and, in the course of doing so, to create policies that will more effectively deal with the threats that free societies and peoples' face...

My thesis is that the least possible aggressive responses to aggression and to problems that face more and less free societies are more fundamentally in line with our nature as human beings and thus more likely to respect that nature and achieve ends that are relevant to the happiness, health, and well-being of all of us:):):)...

The reason for this, I believe, is that though aggression is a natural human and animal instinct when animals, humans as well, face a real or perceived threat to their health and well-being...but that it is an instinct that, ultimately, betrays us...and that learning to let go of it is critical to our individual and cultural development...aggression blinds us to realities that need better lenses in the form of better ideas and understandings to navigate those realities...and those better ideas and understandings are needed in all dealings that we have with other human beings and to the challenges, threats, and opportunities that face humanity, individually and in our collaborations with one another:):):)...

The unique quality that humans have that allows them to change this instinct is the power of insight and intelligence, and established cultural institutions -- schools, libraries, etc. -- which allow us to learn to navigate our shared social and physical reality more effectively...

And the most critical understanding to help each and all of us to navigate that reality more effectively is the understanding of our natural and often flawed tendency towards aggression to handle individual and common problems, threats, and opportunities and our ability to choose differently to navigate those realities more effectively:):):)...

I write all of this at a time when humanity is at a particularly important crossroads, I believe:):)...when humanity is reinforcing its ultimately flawed tendency to use force and aggression in attempts to solve problems that are much more effectively navigated without aggression and with more engagement, communication, ideas, brainstorming, and -- most importantly -- freedom...

The principle of least possible necessary aggression can help point us in a better direction, I believe, which is why I write about it:):):)...

I'm going to take a break, for now...but that's a decent introduction to the idea:):):)...

I am doing better now...but better than what many people who read this may not know since I haven't written in so long:):):)...

But I'll just say, for now, that the more I live and work and relate with people, the more clear this principle and other ideas I've been working with become to me and, I hope, to others:):):)...

I'm going to take a break:):):)...I hope everyone is doing well:):):)...talk with everyone later:):):)...

Love,
Ben