A little terrorism research:):):)...

I can't sleep:):):)...

So I'm doing some really fascinating terrorism research, in the meantime:):):)...

Some important links and scholarship:

A link to Brookings' Institution's Kenneth Pollack's ideas on Iraq, published in a July 1, 2005 column in the New York Times:):)...hat tip to Andrew Sullivan for the link:):):)...

Brookings' Institution's Kenneth Pollack's ideas on terrorism...

Poverty, Political Freedom, and the Roots of Terrorism...a brilliant terrorism paper written by Alberto Abadie of Harvard University and the NBER (I assume the National Bureau of Economic Research, a very reputable economics group, in October 2004)...

Alberto Abadie's Poverty, Political Freedom, and the Roots of Terrorism...Harvard and NBER, October 2004...

On-line Newshour has a Terrorism Index, which features all of their most recent terrorism reports:):):)...

On-Line Newshour's Terrorism Index...

And, specifically...PBS hosted a terrorism discussion on September 7th, 2004, during the election, between Bill Clinton's Secretary of State Madeline Albright anf former Secretary of State under Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger...of particular interest to me was Henry's unexpected but not altogether unsurprising defense of the Administration's handling of terrorism issues and Iraq, specifically...much more than he had hinted at in previous work I had read of Henry's in his book Diplomacy...and in his endorsement of Joe Nye's concerns about multilateralism in Joe's book, The Paradox of American Power...in fact, Henry seems to run away from many of the ideas he expressed in both Diplomacy and in Joe's book in this interview, unfortunately, but, in the heat of an election, not altogether unsurprising...

Jim Lehrer's Newshour's interview with Madeline Albright and Henry Kissinger...September 7, 2004...

Abadie's work, among this list, is the most impressive...I very much agree with his conclusions and was very excited to see Abadie make use of the World Markets Research Centre's Global Terrorism Index of 2003/4 to draw his conclusions...

He has many conclusions that those interested would need to read his report in full to get a complete grasp on:):):)...but...one of the most important is that political freedom is a much better predictor of transnational terrorism than is poverty (a conclusion I VERY MUCH agree with...though even Abadie acknowledges, as would I, that relative wealth inequities clearly have impact since rich nations are much more disproportionately the targets of transnational terrorism, even if they are not where it originates)...

But, Abadie argues...political freedom as a variable in assessing terrorism risk is, as he quite creatively and brilliantly refers to it, "non-monotonic"...as in not monotone...the reason, he argues, is that terrorism is most likely to be bred in countries with medium-levels of political freedom...meaning, Abadie argues quite convincingly, that terrorism is a function of authoritarian regimes making transitions to freer societies and that such terrorism spikes temporarily and then decreases significantly...

I also hypothesize, as I'm reading his brilliant article...if a similar argument could be made that domestic terrorism is also a function of less authoritarian but still less than ideally free, democratic, and equitable domestic arrangements (the contemporary issues of right-wing terrorism in the United States being a critical example)...and that international terrorism, similarly, is a function of less autocratic but still less than ideally free, democratic and equitable distribution of international power and/or wealth (September 11th being a prime example)...I do think that these additional hypotheses might better account for why terrorism is not just facilitated in countries in transition from authoritarian arrangements, but why they seem to strike out at more powerful and wealthy free and democratic nations, peoples, and cultures...I think this would offer a fuller explanation of what we've seen in terms of transnational terrorism, especially since September 11th, 2001, than Abadie's hypothesis alone...though I need to spend more time with Abadie's and the
WMRC-GTI 2003/4 data to draw any firm conclusions...

Something to keep my attention while I try to go back to sleep before I have to work, tonight:):):):):)...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Addendum: I'll have to look at the WMRC-GTI 2003/04 data myself, I think, to consider the hypotheses I explore up above:):):)...Abadie doesn't provide enough of that data, really, at all, to draw any conclusions around those hypotheses...but it's something I'll keep in mind as I continue my mission to track down a copy of the very expensive data collected as part of the World Markets Research Centre - Global Terrorism Index, 2003/04...and, as Abadie argues...some of the better and more rare data of its kind on terrorism (I did just find indices from a group calling themselves Macroknow, today...though their indices, at this point, do not look as credible to me as do the World Markets Research Centre data...though it might be well worth knowing that they rank the U.S. at a comparable though slightly lower risk of terrorist attack, today, as on September 11th...though, as I said...I don't, at all, at this point, vouch for the credibility of that data)...

It is also important to note, as well, I think, that I believe that Abadie minimizes some of the empirical support for alternative explanations for terrorism that I think are important enough to point out...

Linguistic fractionalization, by Abadie's own data reports -- both his Ordinary Least Squares data in Table II and his IV data, to account for reverse causation between terrorism and independent variables -- both are reported as significant at either the .05 or .10 significance levels...and MORE significant at all levels than political freedom on the same levels of the natural logarithm of the WMRC Global Terrorism Index...

Also...and more important to me...though the final table is used in Alberto's conclusions to account for reverse causation, and supports, better, his conclusions that terrorism is more highly correlated with countries of medium-range political freedom than countries of the lowest range of political freedom...the numbers on both his IV table to correct for reverse causation and his OLS table, uncorrected, on first glance, with no statistical analyses to test for significance in the numbers, do not seem to be too terribly different from the numbers, generally, for countries with medium-ranges of political freedom...and the final graph of that data seems to support that conclusion as well, I think...meaning...countries with less political freedom, generally, still do seem to have higher risks, generally, for terrorism, than do countries with more political freedom...

Meaning...

That even though the United States are near the top of the WMRC's list...at number 4...

...and North Korea is last on the list...

OVERALL...these countries appear to be anomolies...

Meaning that, GENERALLY, countries with GREATER FREEDOM appear to be at a LOWER RISK OF TERRORISM...and, GENERALLY, countries with LESS FREEDOM appear to be at a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM...

Lest people use this data to rationalize cracking down on civil liberties and political freedoms to reduce terrorism...

The data, though non-monotonic, as Abadie argues, does not support the idea that less political freedom leads to a lower risk of terrorism...

TOO THE CONTRARY...the data seems to pretty plainly indicate that MORE POLITICAL FREEDOM is correlated with a LOWER RISK OF TERRORISM...

Meaning...

Though North Korea may be ranked below the United States on this index...

GENERALLY...countries as autocratic as North Korea are at a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM as freer countries like the United States, GENERALLY...

A pretty important conclusion to take from this data, I think, lest Abadie's conclusions confuse some people, I think:):):)...

I need to do some independent statistical analyses to consider these qualitative analyses further...

But...on first glance...

1) There isn't enough data reported in Alberto's paper to draw conclusions about the levels of terrorism experienced when less than ideally free, democratic, and equitable arrangements predominate even in more democratic governing situations, domestically -- in more democratic countries like the United States, Great Britain, Spain, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Japan, etc., for instance -- and/or internationally -- within global more democratic arrangements...

...and...

2) That GENERALLY...even Abadie's reporting of the WMRC Global Terrorism Index data seems to support the conclusion that LESS POLITICAL FREEDOM is correlated with a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM...and GREATER POLITICAL FREEDOM correlates with a LOWER RISK OF FREEDOM...despite the anomolous positioning of the United States and North Korea, as important extremes, within the data...

Also...

The IV corrections that Abadie performs might also obscure a larger point...which is that the causation may be bi-directional...meaning...independent variables, like political freedom, may result in less terrorism AND terrorism may result in less political freedom, rather than an isolated causation variable, as Abadie attempts to do in these analyses...a pretty important alternative explanation for that data, I think:):):)...

I'll keep researching:):):)...

Correction: The Henry Kissinger book where I remember Henry discussing the need for multilateralism in international affairs was, "Does America Need a Foreign Policy?"...rather than "Diplomacy"...though I believe I read some of the latter book, as well...an excellent read, by the way, for anyone curious about Henry's ideas on international policy:):):)...and it is on the matter of multilateralism that Henry backtracks in this PBS interview that I cite above:):):)...

Reflections on growing up on a Saturday night:):):)...

I'm folding clothes, gathering recyclables, cleaning dishes, working on my resume and applications for jobs:):):)...all on a Saturday night:):):)...I think I'm officially old:):):)...

...though I am watching a series of really excellent films in the process:):):)...

Merchant of Venice, starring Al Pacino and Jeremy Irons:):):)...then Hudsucker Proxy, starring Tim Robbins, Paul Newman, and Jennifer Jason Leigh:):):)...both BRILLIANT MOVIES:):):)...VERY IMPRESSIVE:):):)...

And now, Being Julia:):):)...one of the best performances from Annette Benning I've ever seen:):):)...her role in The American President was good:):):)...but Annette's lacked the kind of gravitas that she has is this role:):):)...very impressive effort on her part, here:):):)...

And as I do all this apartment cleaning on my days off:):):)...

I'm reflecting on just how tired I am of being a parent in my friendships and relationships:):):)...

I don't mind, at all, being a big person:):):)...and I realize that this is just much of what comes with being a big person:):):)...

But I'm also tired of being a parent:):):)...

When Brandi and I were together:):):)...I told Brandi all the time that her choices were her choices:):):)...and that I wasn't interested in being a source of rebellion for her:):):)...though Brandi is/was more mature than most people I know in toto in the world, period:):):)...

And I've had this problem now around the very basic issue of household cleaning in our little apartment with Melissa:):):)...

We've had this issue ever since Melissa and I started living together:):):)...

It's a pretty simple arrangement Melissa and I have:):):)...

I clean:):):)...

She doesn't:):):)...

And it's worn on me for the last several months, in particular, where we've talked about it probably every day of that period:):):)...

To be fair:):):)...

Melissa has gotten better:):):)...

She does laundry...and she often does the grocery shopping...sometimes more than me:):):)...especially in the middle of week when I'm exhausted from a pretty physically and emotionally demanding job:):):)...

Other than that, though...

Melissa just kind of consistently lets things go to shit:):):)...she doesn't pick up after herself:):)...she'll take relatively organized areas of the apartment and slowly devolve them into chaos (the dining room table being the most consistent example:):):)...and she just takes hardly any initiative at all around basic household issues:):):)...

I love having Melissa as a roommate, generally:):):)...she's very easy to get along with:):):)...and she's fun and nice to spend time with, generally:):):)...

But...I have to say:):):)...that this is one facet of having her as a roommate that consistently annoys the shit out of me:):):)...

Now...

At this point...we've talked about this issue almost every day for several months...6 or 7 months, at least...

So the problem is DEFINITELY NOT that Melissa doesn't realize that this is a priority for me:):):)...and after both of us losing things so often (sometimes with serious timelines...a namebadge before work for me was one of the most serious ones, recently)...Melissa, I think, can see that this needs to be a priority for her, as well:):):)...

I think...that for whatever reasons:):):)...that Melissa sees me as some kind of parent-figure:):):)...and that she's just rebelling for the sake of it:):):)...

And I have to say that in any relationship with anyone else that you want to consider an equal...

That this is one of the most annoying things in the world to deal with:):):)...

And what I wanted to say on this post:):):)...

Is that...once...just once:):):)...

I want a relationship with someone who I don't have to parent:):):)...

I just once want to date a partner:):):)...who is both grown up and committed to getting more grown up and learning and growing with me for the rest of our time together:):):)...

Because this parenting friends and girlfriends business:):):)...gets REALLY OLD after a while:):):)...

Sometimes:):):)...I just want to have a relationship:):):)...

Where I can speak and behave freely:):):)...as I can with my younger friends:):):)...

And where I can count on some maturity:):):)...as I can, generally, with my relationships with my older friends and family:):):)...

Are there women like that, out there?:):):)...

I sure hope so:):):)...

Because otherwise it's going to be a rather lonely ride, this crazy life of mine:):):):):):):)...

I've got to get something to eat:):):)...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

KNOWING that people are going to come through for you:):):):):):):):):)...

Does it ever finally dawn on you that when people that you trust the most in the world drop the ball on you...

That those are the people MOST LIKELY, in your life, to pick that ball right back up?:):):):):):):)...

It just occurred to me that there are several people in my life who I've grown concerned would drop the ball on me...

And it has just occurred to me that these are EXACTLY the people most likely to pick it back up:):):):):):):)...

I really don't know exactly how or where or when:):):):):):):)...

But it's just occurred to me...

That if you can look across your life:):):)...

And think about which people in the world that you trust the most:):):):):):):)...and even rank them, as my best friend in the world, Brandi Batayguila "Most Beautiful Daughter of God" Fisher does:):):):):):):)...to the dismay of all of her best friends:):):):):):)...including me:):):)...who only got as high as #2:):):)...since her mom was always #1:):):)...

That those people are EXACTLY the people who are most likely to pick up the ball where they've dropped it in your life:):):):):):):)...

I could make a list like that:):):)...

And I would bet that IN ORDER...or close:):):):):):)...

ALL of those people will pick up the ball for me:):):):):):):):)...

And I just want to say:):):):):):)...

That it's nice to finally feel like I can trust people:):):):):):)...NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...EVERY MOMENT FOR WHAT I HOPE IS MORE THAN JUST THE BULK OF THE REST OF MY LIFE:):):):):):)...

Because you can't put a price on that:):):):):):):)...

Can you, Fisher?:):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, y'all:):):):):):):)...I love you all:):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

In love with life:):):):):):):)...

...that's the feeling I have right now:):):)...

And the funny thing is:):):)...noone really in my life, at this point, that I have those kinds of feelings for:):):)...not quite like that, at least:):):)...

I'm just in love with life, I think:):):)...with all its roller coaster and strong and not-so-strong feelings:):):)...I really love it:):):)...

Last night...at work:):)...I was REALLY TIRED:):):)...I'd gotten like 4 or 5 hours of sleep the day before:):):)...

The night before we had a moment of drama when a member of my new crew, Z, and me, got into an argument when my lead and Z (to be honest...though I let Z off the hook, later on:):):) were pressuring me to load doors faster when I was working tier...meaning working on the various levels of the truck where we load the garage doors:):):)...

We had to talk with our supervisor over the whole affair:):):)...

So today...partly because I was tired:):):)...and partly because of the drama the night before (which was resolved like 10 minutes after it begun:):):)...Z and I are pretty good friends, really:):):)...and hang out, some, outside of work:):):)...

Last night:):)...I decided to play it really chill and avoid any really seriously controversial conversations:):):)...

Z and Zach, the other guy on my crew, for instance:):):)...had this conversation about how gross, in Z's case, and obnoxious, in Zach's case, that each thought public displays of affection by homosexuals was:):):)...

Now...I have strong feelings on this subject, to be honest:):):) (as I have on just about every subject as anyone who's ever known me for like 5 minutes can attest:):):):):)...

I not only LOVE public displays of affection and giving affection publicly by heterosexuals and as a heterosexual:):):) (and could live no other way, really:):):)...

But I think it's REALLY GREAT, really, when I see gays and lesbians -- especially when they are my friends:):):):):) -- engaged in public displays of affection:):):):):)...

I LOVE that I live in Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...a liberal university town:):):):)...where I see more open homosexual couples than I have ever seen, except, perhaps, San Fransisco's Castro district:):):):):)...or Washington D.C.'s Dupont Circle:):):)...

And where they can kiss and hug and hold hands and engage in all kinds of open displays of affection that gays and lesbians often do not feel as comfortable engaging in in my hometown of Wichita, Kansas:):):):):):)...

But I didn't say anything, last night:):):)...

At first I wondered if I should feel guilty that I didn't speak up for my gay brothers and sisters:):):):):):)...

And then I thought how silly that is since it is many of my gay brothers and sisters who would DIE to see me engaged in a night of non-political conversation:):):):):):):)...

It was all pretty funny:):):)...

Plus...I'm no longer on the crew with Kevin and Josh, two of my best friends at Amarr:):):)...where some kind of purposeful conversation was always in the air, at some point:):):)...if only to get us from one, "Do you know how gay you are?" joke to another in our peculiar hybrid vein of sensitive university boy/tough warehouse guy humor:):):):):):):)...

So...

This morning:):):)...when I got home:):):):)...

I hadn't been talking purposeful or political all night:):):)...

And though it was ok:):):)...

It also felt kind of empty:):):)...with all the headaches and heartache that purposeful and political conversation brings:):):)...its absence, while fine:):):)...is just kind of...well...boring:):):):):):)...and empty:):):):):):)...

It may have just been the dark overcast and the morning drizzle:):):):):):)...

But it didn't feel nearly as involved as the more purposeful life that I've chosen feels:):):):):):)...

Reaffirming for me:):):):):):):)...

That, though many people have not chosen a life like this one with me:):):):):):)...

That this is the only life for me:):):):):)...

And...

With all its headaches and heartaches:):):):):):):)...

I LOVE THIS LIFE:):):):):):):):):):)...

I LOVE the opportunity I have to live it in 21st Century America...and as a part of the free and democratic world:):):):):):)...

A fact of life that I WILL NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED:):):):):):):):):)...FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE:):):):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, America:):):):):):):):):)...for giving me the opportunity to live a life more free and democratic than I would likely be afforded anywhere else on earth:):):):):):):):):):):)...

I'm going to get some sleep:):):):):):):):):)...

I hope everyone has an OUTSTANDING DAY:):):):):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Brother, can you pluck a beam from my eye?:):):):):):)...

Days like today...

I have to ask myself...

Is there any end to the cynicism and the bullshit...

My senior year of college, I did a speech in intercollegiate forensics on political cynicism...

I thought it was bad then...

I've never seen it as bad as I'm seeing it, today...

OK...maybe it was worse a couple of years ago...

But the last 5 years or so have been some of the most cynical, nasty, bitter, rationalizing years that I ever remember living through...

I'm sure we must have had cynicial periods when I was a kid...and that I just didn't know enough to notice them...

But this is the worst shape I've seen people and my country and the world in in my years of paying attention...

And one of the signs of just how bad it is...

Is that I have to periodically ask myself...

Can we all step any deeper in the bullshit?...

Could we all be any more cynical?...

Could the world get any more FUBAR -- Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition -- than it has in the last few years?...

It's not isolated to ideology...or background...or religion...or career...or anything...

It's just us...

All rationalizing what nasty, calculating, self-centered, recalcitrant pricks we all are...

And I wonder on days like today...

Is there ever a bottoming out?...

Are we all forever cursed to moral and personal cowardice?...

Is that the fate to which we will all choose to be cosigned?...

Because I can't handle it if it is...

If that's our fate, and I have to give up with everyone else...

I'm doing it for real...

I'm not sticking around this ugly little species if they can't learn to clean up their acts and be decent people...

I'm making my millions...heading off to some isolated, idealic island...

And I'm going to permanently enjoy a life of misanthropic hermitude...

Because I am SO GODDAMN TIRED OF THE BULLSHIT...and the denials...and the pretending to be better than we really are when we're not even trying, too much of the time...

I am no martyr...

If I don't think there's a shot at humanity getting better...

I'm heading off to the tropics somewhere...

Never to be heard from by the rest of humanity, again, if I can help it...

Because I am SO GODDAMN TIRED of the bullshit that passes for honest living, these days...

Watching people bottom out their expectations of themselves in the last few years has helped me understand the Christ story so much better than I ever did as a child...

I don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah...I don't even believe in a supernatural deity...no personified God...

But I do think that Jesus of Nazareth was a great man and a great teacher and a man who suffered the greatest and a most horrific sacrafice because the people of his time could not face the darkness in their own hearts...Mohatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Jack Kennedy, and others faced similar fates for similar enough courage, I think...

And I've never so clearly seen just how recalcitrantly rationalizing of our nastiness that we can be, the small little species that we can often be...

I have hope for humanity, to be sure...

And think that hope (and love) is not only the most needed resource in these dark times...it is one that is too often in too little supply in those who want to rationalize what cynical, mean, nasty pricks we can all often be, at times...

And some days, like today, sap you a little of that much needed hope...

Perhaps, like all such challenges:):):)...this period will make me stronger:):):)...

But I have to say that I've rarely known such a lonely and dispiriting path to strength:):):)...

My faith tells me that not only do these times make us stronger:):):)...but that we all get better, over time:):):)...all of us:):):)...not just those facing the challenges to our faith:):):)...

I don't know...

I just hope...

Because I can't think of anything else to do...

And I'd rather hope than do my bit to drag humanity down with my own cynicism...

Which helps NOT A GODDAMN PERSON...including ourselves...

When we expect the world to be perfect...and it's not possible for us or the world around us to perfect...

It only makes sense that we would be dissappointed...and cynical...and bitter...

Except that bitterness and cynicism doesn't do a GODDAMN THING for anyone..and does so much to keep us from doing and being better...

Makes you wonder why people would hold onto it...

Except, I don't think people who do hold onto them know either...

Except to maintain their illusion that if they believe in their worst fears...

That they can control them...

And not have to face them...

As more courage and a bigger version of themselves might lead them to do:):):)...

Why do we all expect so little of ourselves, I wonder?...it's a defense...but a defense against what, exactly?...against failing?...and then what?...the only thing that can come next...trying again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...

I do have confidence that me and all of my friends and family try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...

...and succeed:):):)...

I'm not seeing something here:):):):):)...

Someone want to point out the beam in my eye?:):):):):)...

I could sure use it:):):)...

Love,
Ben

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown:):):):):):):)...

When you get a chance:):):)...you should really check out downloading, listening/buying the CD, or going to see a performance of the updated Broadway version of Charles Schultz's musical:):):)...

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown:):):)...

It's one of the most beautiful musicals I've ever seen or heard in my life:):):)...

Brandi and I saw You're a Good Man when we visited New York the summer we lived together in D.C.:):):):)...

We drove around looking for parking spaces:):):)...that ended up costing $45 for a day space:):):):):)...INSANE:):):):):)...

We went down to Times Square:):):)...and we bought tickets for a musical that, at the time, I thought would epitomize everything that I hated about musicals:):):)...before my best friend, at the time:):):)...and...at that point:):):)...my live-in girlfriend:):):)...had reinvigorated my love for the American musical:):):)...

We got there:):):)...all kinds of kids in the audience:):):)...which...as a teacher:):):):)...I LOVE, of course:):):)...

And we watch this AWESOME performance by Anthony Rapp, B.D. Wong, Kristen Chenowith, Ilana Levine, Kimberly Grigsby, Andrew Lippa, Stanley Mathis, and Roger Bart of this beautiful musical written by Clark Gesner based on the beautiful little cartoon drawn by Charles Schultz:):):)...

It was an AWESOME trip:):):)...

Brandi and I were both in awe of the performance:):):)...and then skipped in the rain to our $45 parking space:):):):):)LOL:):):)...

We drove down to SoHo -- slang in New York City for the neighborhood south of Houston street:):):) -- to find this hotel that we had made a $100 reservation for what turned out to be a REALLY SHITTY little hotel in a kind of scary neighborhood in NYC:):):)...we walked forever from our car to find the hotel:):):)...but we finally found it:):):)...we had gotten lost finding the hotel:):):)...and were fighting, as a consequence:):):)...

When we got to the hotel:):):)...

Brandi was being something of a bitch with the hotel clerk:):):)...and I jokingly referred to it:):):)...and she went OFF ON ME, once we got up to our hotel room:):):):)LOL:):):):):)...

It was all terribly traumatic, at the time:):):)...

Brandi and I wouldn't even sleep in the same room with one another for a bit, there:):):)...I was going to go sleep in the car:):):)...but changed my mind, last minute:):):)...and decided that we could sleep in separate beds:):):)...which is what we proceeded to do:):):)...

It was all SO SILLY AND STUPID, in retrospect:):):)...we were literally fighting over nothing:):):):):)...

But definitely one of the worst fights in our raucus 4 year relationship:):):)...fights that I kind of miss, today, really:):):)...never knowing when I'm going to hear from my best friend:):):)...

The next morning:):):)...

We woke up:):):)...there was kind of that awkward, "We just had a really stupid fight" moment there for a bit:):):):):)...

And then all was forgiven:):):)...and we proceeded to see the rest of New York City on the one really marvelous trip I've had to the Big Apple:):):):)...

It was a beautiful time, overall:):):):):)...

One of the greatest trips of my life, really:):):):):):)...

I was SO IN LOVE:):):):):):):):)...I can't speak for Brandi, anymore:):):):):):)...though I hope she was as in love as I was:):):)...

But I was SO IN LOVE with that girl:):):):):)...

And I am SO IN LOVE with this musical:):):)...and I listen to it all the time, now, that I've downloaded it a million times:):):)...and did a million times before I gave the CD I bought after the show in NYC to my friend, Stephanie Martell, for Christmas, one year:):):):):)...

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND Charles' Schultz' musical about people, young and old...growing up...wrestling with the hard questions:):):)...loving one another:):):)...and learning along the way:):):)...

Songs like the one I'm listening to, right now:):):)...My New Philosophy:):):)...which helped Kristen Chenowith earn the Tony for Best Actress, that year, 1999:):):)...and Suppertime:):):)...which propelled Roger Bart to the Best Actor award that year:):):)...

One of the best years of my life, 1999:):):)...

Some of the best years of my life, period:):):)...

1996 through 2001:):):)...

Slightly better than the years previous:):):)...1991 through 1996:):):)...

Almost as good as the years after 2001 through 2005:):):)...for me, at least:):):)...

Though that one weekend in New York City is one of the high points in my life, period:):):):):)...

When you get a chance:):):)...I highly recommend giving it a listen, reading the lyrics, seeing a performance:):):):):)...

You won't regret it:):):)...

And take a moment to pay some quiet tribute to the original Peanuts creator...Charles Schultz:):):)...November 26, 1922 - February 12, 2000:):):):):)...

Charles M. Schultz Museum...

Thanks, Chuck:):):):):)...you're a good man, Charles Schultz:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Wisdom at 18:):):)...

Went to church again today:):):)...it was nice:):):)...Reverend Brown was gone for a funeral:):):)...so it wasn't quite as exciting or insightful an experience as last week:):):)...but it was a good time, nonetheless:):):)...

I've got to go to work, tonight:):):)...so I'm going to go sleep here in a bit:):):)...

But...today:):):)...

I'm reflecting on what wise choices I made at 18 years old:):):)...how listening to so much wisdom that everyone had to offer me made me a much better person, as a consequence:):):)...

My two most important goals when I was 18 years old:):):)...were to be a great dad:):):)...and to have wisdom:):):)...

Pretty good goals for an 18 year old, I think:):):)...

And I'm just thinking, today...as I consider all of the alternatives for priorities that I or anyone could have in their lives:):):)...

What great priorities that I think I have:):):)...

Love...being in love, that is:):):)...for real:):):)...no compromising that one:):):)...

Being a great dad:):):)...not defending what a great dad that I think I am:):):)...but working hard to be a great and better dad every day:):):)...and a great and better lover and spouse every day, when that day rolls around, too:):):)...

Developing wisdom...a sense of perspective:):):)...a sense of how things are improveable:):):)...and what things I nor anyone really can change (though with a presumption that we should work on the first, before we resign ourselves to the second:):):)...

Being smart:):):)...and loving:):):)...and humble:):):)...and decent:):):)...

Always learning:):):)...never stopping:):):)...until that last breaths stops:):):)...

Appreciating how great life is:):):)...with or without improvements:):):) (hopefully with improvements, of course:):):)...

Loving my friends and my family and everyone with all my heart:):):)...and with every ounce of loyalty that I can offer them:):):)...

Always being bigger and as big as I can always be in the moment:):):)...when I was a kid:):):)...we had this book at church:):):)...called the Big Me and the Little Me:):):)...it's such a great book for kids to learn patience and learning to be thoughtful and decent to others:):):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...it's a great little book:):):)...and now I understand it so much better than I did then:):):)...

Looking forward to my wedding and my marriage:):):)...

There's so many things about me that I'm afraid that people who don't get to know me won't know about me:):):)...and this is one of them:):):)...that I plan my wedding out like so many girls do:):):)...that I have songs planned for my wedding:):):) -- Something That We Do by Clint Black will be sung at my wedding, no matter what:):):):):) -- and the place for the ceremony:):):)...and the reception:):):)...and how to handle photography:):):)...and who will do the music:):):)...and how we'll do it:):):):):)...and a million little details like these:):):)...

There's so many little quirks about me that I'm concerned people who don't know me will never get a chance to know just through this silly little blog:):):)...

How much I love to dance:):):)...

How silly I am:):):)...

How much I LOVE to lay shit on people:):):)...and how good I am at it:):):)...

How much I love to sing:):):)...

What I look like when I'm in love:):):) -- completely doting, by the way:):):)...

How much I love love:):):)...how much I root for people in movies who are in love -- like in the brilliant movie we watched last night, Broken Wings, where three and a half couples (one of the girls was kind of between boys, as it turned out:):):) were falling in love:):):)...and how much I root for the guy to kiss the girl or vice versa whenever that awkward moment comes up in the movie:):):)...

How much I love talking through movies:):):)...talking about the movie:):):)...learning during and through the movie:):):)...

How curious I am:):):)...how much I love learning:):):)...about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING:):):)...the punk and metal scenes:):):)...automotive work:):):)...Topeka, Kansas:):):)...gospel music:):):)...physics:):):)...celebrity lives:):):)...country music:):):)...what's going on in your life:):):)...and your heart:):):)...and your soul:):):)...what makes you you:):):):):)...

How much I love the Dixie Chicks:):):)...and Rascal Flats:):):)...and Diamond Rio:):):)...and Darryl Worley:):):)...and Toby Keith:):):)...and Dar Williams:):):)...and U2:):):)...and the Crash Test Dummies:):):)...and Tracy Chapman:):):)...and the Indigo Girls:):):)...and Aimee Mann:):):)...and Ice Cube:):):)...and Snoop Dogg:):):)...and NWA:):):)...and everyone really:):):):):)...

How much I root for everyone to succeed and have a great life:):):)...even when they're being asses to me:):):):):)LOL:):):):):)...

How much I take love and forgiveness and decency and humanity and being a good person and being smart and wise and being the best person possible, generally, seriously:):):):):)...

My laugh:):):)...my big belly laugh:):):)...how excited I get:):):)...and how angry I get:):):)...how fully I express every emotion I feel in life:):):)...

How excited about scholarship and great works:):):)...how much I am not only not bored by really good academic work and literature:):):)...but how thoroughly I LOVE reading works by folks like Abraham Maslow:):):)...and Amartya Sen:):):)...and Benjamin Barber:):):)...and Joseph Nye:):):)...and Paul Peterson:):):)...and David Gergen:):):)...and Bill Bradley:):):)...and Leo Busclalia:):):) (sp?:):):)...and Mary Wolstencraft:):):)...and Henry David Thoreau:):):)...and Harper Lee:):):)...and J.D. Salinger:):):)...and Wayne Muller:):):)...and a whole truckload of people that many people may or may not have heard of:):):)...

How much I love the University life:):):)...and how much I think much of the world should be much MORE like it:):):):):)...including Universities:):):)...that often get far too insecure about just how great an institution in contemporary life that they are:):):):):)...

And how excited I get about doing good work in the world:):):)...how much I am full of idealism:):):)...tempered, appropriately, I think, most of the time, of course:):):)...like all of us:):):)...by a realistic outlook on people, human nature, and life, generally:):):)...

HOW MUCH I LOVE SHARING THOSE THINGS WITH SOMEONE ELSE OR MULTIPLE OTHERS:):):):):):):)...who share those passions with me:):):):):)...for intellect:):):)...for good works:):):)...for wisdom:):):)...for being a decent person:):):)...for freedom:):):)...for democracy:):):)...for life:):):)...

And how much I do all of this with a pretty fuckin' foul mouth:):):):):)...and an eye that it always checking out whichever new girl that I happen to meet:):):)...and with a love for rockin' out at a music concert:):):)...and doing great and not so great plays with our little theater company, here in town:):):)...and meeting new people:):):)...and talking about their lives:):):)...great:):):)...and not so great:):):)...

There's just so much to me that I always want to share:):):):):)...and am always concerned that people don't get a chance to share with me in the same way that I want to share what is important to them:):):):):)...

And how much I want to share that with at least one person who cares about me as much as I care about them:):):)...

There's several people in my life who are close on that mark:):):)...though there is one person who does seem to care as much, right now, that I really appreciate a lot:):):)...I'm not telling who:):):)...we'll see what happens with that one:):):)...

In the meantime:):):)...I love sharing of myself:):):)...and I love learning from what others share of themselves with me:):):)...

It's what I live for, really:):):):):)...for what I and others can share of ourselves:):):):):)...and make the world a better place for ourselves and for others in the meantime:):):):):):):)...

I better get some sleep, to anyone who's reading:):):)...I've got to work tonight:):):):):)...

But thanks for reading if you happen to be reading:):):):):)...

This kind of sharing is what I live for:):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...talk with you soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Yet one more reason to be endeared to Laura Bush:):):)...

Laura Bush visited Rwanda this week to pay tribute to the 800,000 Rwandans killed in the 1994 massacre by Hutu extremists of minority Tutsis and moderate Hutus...

Laura Bush, Cherie Blair in Rwanda remember victims of violence...

Laura Bush Pays Tribute to Slain Rwandans...

Bush daughters bring goodwill, gifts to Africa...

I love this woman:):):)...she, like her husband:):)...seems like a simple woman:):)...but a woman with an essentially good heart:):):)...that I really appreciate:):):)...and her words reported in this story are very moving for a First Lady to recognize the terrible and unspeakable tragedy of genocide inflicted on Rwandans in 1994...

What a sweet woman:):):):):)...very impressed with Laura Bush:):):)...as well with her husband, in different ways:):):)...

And what about those girls?:):):):):)...man, they've grown up, haven't they?:):):):):)...Jenna is working as a teacher in an inner city charter school:):):)...and Barbara is working as a volunteer with AIDS orphans:):):)...these kids are REALLY impressing me:):):)...their parents did a great job, it looks like to me:):):)...

And as President Bush sinks lower and lower in the polling numbers:):):)...

He, too, becomes all that more endearing to me:):):)...

Can you imagine what this family has been through?:):):)...do you know what I would do if my dad was being charged unfairly and publicly with being a war criminal and a being called stupid all the fuckin' time from a bunch of smarmy liberals like me?:):):):):)...

I'd stick right the fuck by him...and be inspired that he could stick through all that shit, ever-imperfectly, as any of us would do, to do the best he knew how to make this world a better place:):):)...

The truth is that I love people when they are losing:):):)...I don't say that facetiously:):):)...I mean it:):):):):)...I love people when they are humbled:):):)...and God knows that this President has needed this kind of humbling:):):):):)...

And I would bet that George Bush, like Jimmy Carter, will make a decent President:):):)...as he has:):):)...

But an even better post-President:):):):):)...using his understanding and concern for the world and name-recognition to celebrate all kinds of efforts to improve the lives of people all over the world:):):)...

That's my bet:):):):):)...and I think -- knowing, basically, what kinds of people the Bushes...Laura and George, both...really are:):):):):) -- that is exactly what we will find from these two simple but essentially very decent and very good people:):):):):)...

Thank you, Laura:):):)...for gracing us with your esteemed and warm and inviting tenure as first lady:):):):):)...and for raising two such wonderful young daughters:):):)...

And thank you, George:):):)...for your Presidency:):):)...despite many mistakes:):):)...you are essentially a very good and decent and intelligent man, I think:):):):):)...doing your best to navigate an ever-complicated world:):):):):)...

And to try your best to make it better for your presence in it:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Are you out there?...

Dar Williams has this really great song called "Are You Out There?" that I'm thinking about this morning as I contact people I've lost contact with...after talking with a friend, I'm getting over my stupid bitterness I've harbored against my mom and finally calling her after 2 years...I haven't really harbored a lot of bitterness and anger, really...I've just not been that inspired to call her given our last conversation nearly two years ago...it's a private conversation that I'm not going to share...but, needless to say, it was upsetting to me...it lasted about 10 minutes, tops...and I haven't talked with her since...

And Brandi is back in contact with me...but she's not engaging me substantively, at this point...our communication is polite...but superficial...and I've gotten over my despair and resignation about the situation and decided to call her and see if she'll share with me what she's upset with me about:)...I think I know:)...though I don't quite understand it, really...and am genuinely open to hearing what a jerk she thinks that I've been in whatever form she would like to share that:):)...I'll take poetry:):):)...but I imagine she's kind of angry:)...and I know after various periods of silence with Brandi in the last couple of years:):):)...that, without reservation or questioning, anymore:):):):):):)...

That I FAR PREFER fighting and anger to silence:):):)...which leaves me feeling so sad that I can't even get to know her anger (or anyone's anger, for that matter:)...that instead she would just shut me out:):)...

So:):):)...in honor of those contacts and two more I'm trying to make with a friend of mine, Devang, who I didn't call back out of exhaustion some time back and want to be in contact with:):):)...and with my friend, Ned, who's written some emails that I felt a little overwhelmed with, at the time:):):)...but that I need to return:):):)...

I'm dedicating this post to Dar Williams:):):)... and her beautiful song, Are You Out There:):):)...which...on her most recent live album:):)...she dedicates to free speech radio (radical radio...that you hear "comes in really crackly into the bedrooms of suburban teenagers":):):):):):):):)...

The song implicitly asks and answers the question...

Are you out there?...

Is anyone listening to all of this?...

Am I reaching anyone?...

And Dar answers in the song...

"I was out here listening all the time"...

And it's a question I ask myself, right now:)...

Wondering...

Are you out there?:):):)...

I can only hope:):):)...

It's a great song:):):):):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

If those principles are so good...why have you failed at so many of the things you care deepest about?...

Good question...an open forum...

One answer...

Maybe failures are inescapable obstacles on the road to success...

Another answer...

Maybe I'm just full of shit...

I know a lot of people who are rooting for that second option...

The Ninth Street Baptist Church:):):)...

My friend, co-worker, and lead on the docks at work, Fred:):):)...invited me this week to go to his church today, the Ninth Street Baptist Church:):):)...

I had told Fred that I had sung in a black gospel choir in undergrad:):):)...and that I'd like to sing in one again:):)...and that I had never been to a black gospel church and would love to go:):):)...

And today DEFINITELY did not dissappoint:):):)...

VERY LIVELY:):):)...the pastor, Reverend Brown:):):)...is one of the best ministers I've ever heard, really:):):)...very down to earth:):):)...used street slang:):):)...talked about practical issues like giving/titheing (sp?), saving, and investing:):):)...put abstract theological issues in really every day terms:):):)...

And WHEW:):):)...the ENERGY in that room:):):)..it was AMAZING:):):)...the singers were INCREDIBLE:):):)...I've never sung that much or that soulful in a church:):):)...it was brilliant:):):)...

And one of the VERY FEW TIMES in my life when I went to an adult church service and did not, at any point, want to go to sleep:):):)...it was very nice:):):)...

The pastor referenced Luke, chapter 6, in the sermon, which I didn't realize till today is one of the best chapters to sum up the best teachings of Jesus Christ:):):)...chapter 6, verse 27 through 45, to be exact:):):)...is some of the BEST STUFF that Jesus had to say:):):)...

Love thy enemy...it is easy to love those who love us, Jesus says:):):)...the sign of truly good people is those who love those who it is hard to love:):):)...

Judge not lest ye be judged...

Don't pluck the splinter from your neighbor's eye before you pluck the plank from your own:):):)...

Giving without expectation of receiving:):):)...

Luke, chapter six begins with this passage:):):)...

"And it came to pass on the second sabbath after the first, that he went through the corn fields; and his disciples plucked the ears of corn, and did eat, rubbing them in their hands.

2 And certain of the Pharisees said unto them, Why do ye that which is not lawful to do on the sabbath days?

3 And Jesus answering them said, Have ye not read so much as this, what David did, when himself was an hungred, and they which were with him;

4 How he went into the house of God, and did take and eat the shewbread, and gave also to them that were with him; which it is not lawful to eat but for the priests alone?

5 And he said unto them, That the Son of man is Lord also of the sabbath.

6 And it came to pass also on another sabbath, that he entered into the synagogue and taught: and there was a man whose right hand was withered.

7 And the scribes and Pharisees watched him, whether he would heal on the sabbath day; that they might find an accusation against him.

8 But he knew their thoughts, and said to the man which had the withered hand, Rise up, and stand forth in the midst. And he arose and stood forth.

9 Then said Jesus unto them, I will ask you one thing; Is it lawful on the sabbath days to do good, or to do evil? to save life, or to destroy it?

10 And looking round about upon them all, he said unto the man, Stretch forth thy hand. And he did so: and his hand was restored whole as the other.

11 And they were filled with madness; and communed one with another what they might do to Jesus.

12 And it came to pass in those days, that he went out into a mountain to pray, and continued all night in prayer to God."

An interesting passage for those who may want to use the legacy of Jesus to argue for a world of law and order:):):)...

Then Jesus talks about the foundations of virtue:):):)...and how those foundations secure us against the harsh winds of fortune:):):)...

As Luke (my favorite Gospel, by the way) tells it:):):)...

13 And when it was day, he called unto him his disciples: and of them he chose twelve, whom also he named apostles;

14 Simon, (whom he also named Peter,) and Andrew his brother, James and John, Philip and Bartholomew,

15 Matthew and Thomas, James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon called Zelotes,

16 And Judas the brother of James, and Judas Iscariot, which also was the traitor.

17 And he came down with them, and stood in the plain, and the company of his disciples, and a great multitude of people out of all Judaea and Jerusalem, and from the sea coast of Tyre and Sidon, which came to hear him, and to be healed of their diseases;

18 And they that were vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed.

19 And the whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all.

20 And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said, Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God.

21 Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh.

22 Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man’s sake.

23 Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven: for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets.

24 But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation.

25 Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep.

26 Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.

27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also.

30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.

31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.

33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.

34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.

35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.

36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

39 And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch?

40 The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master.

41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

44 For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes.

45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?

47 Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will shew you to whom he is like:

48 He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock.

49 But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.

BRILLIANT STUFF, really:):):)...The Greatest Hits of Jesus of Nazareth, you might say:):):):):)...some of his best wisdom and teachings in the Gospels:):):):):)...

It was just interesting that the Pastor would reference this passage -- my favorite in the Bible --my first day at Church:):):)...

Very impressive church:):):)...I will definitely be back next week:):):)...

And the great thing is:):):)...

I do so COMPLETELY out of a sense of inspiration and love and appreciation for what a good group of folks are at Ninth Street Baptist:):):)...especially and including Reverend Brown:):):)...

And...of course:):):)...my good friend, Fred:):):)...

And...maybe:):):)...I might join the church choir:):):)...

It was interesting being one of 5 or 6 white folks at a mostly black church:):):):):)...

And a great experience, overall:):):)...

Can't wait to go back:):):)...

Hope everyone has/is having a great weekend:):):)...

Talk with you soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

To tame the savageness of man...and make more gentle the life of this world...

It is sad and tragically ironic that the attacks in London, that have thusfar been reported to have killed 50+ people, happened only days after my favorite British citizen (other than Tony Blair, who has performed admirably, by the way, in the wake of these attacks) gave his own view on why life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness matter to him....

In honor of Andrew's words about what he loves about America...and in honor of the gravitas that needs to be brought to our responses to these attacks in London...and the recognition -- from the attacks in London, in Madrid, and the ongoing and escalating insurgencies in both Iraq and Afghanistan -- that something is clearly amiss in our efforts against terrorism, right now...that terrorism, after the initiation of the war in Iraq, has clearly and without a doubt INCREASED...and not, as we would all have hoped, decreased...

In honor of Andrew's words and the American and international spirit needed to develop a more constructive international policy towards terrorism...I wanted to share what I think is the most beautiful political speech I have ever heard by an American politician...

On April 4th, 1968...Bobby Kennedy had the tragic duty of reporting to the world the assassination of the Reverend Martin Luther King, earlier that day...

It is a speech better listened to than read, I think...so I would definitely advise going to this link and listening to his speech live as he delivered it in 1968...

Bobby Kennedy's impromptu eulogy for Dr. Martin Luther King...April 4, 1968...Indianapolis, Indiana...

You can also find the link for this speech in the speech links section of my Tripod blog, Building a Better World... in the lower left hand corner...

"Ladies and Gentlemen: I'm only going to talk to you just for a minute or so this evening, because I have some very sad news for all of you -- Could you lower those signs, please? -- I have some very sad news for all of you, and, I think, sad news for all of our fellow citizens, and people who love peace all over the world; and that is that Martin Luther King was shot and was killed tonight in Memphis, Tennessee.

Martin Luther King dedicated his life to love and to justice between fellow human beings. He died in the cause of that effort. In this difficult day, in this difficult time for the United States, it's perhaps well to ask what kind of a nation we are and what direction we want to move in. For those of you who are black -- considering the evidence evidently is that there were white people who were responsible -- you can be filled with bitterness, and with hatred, and a desire for revenge.

We can move in that direction as a country, in greater polarization -- black people amongst blacks, and white amongst whites, filled with hatred toward one another. Or we can make an effort, as Martin Luther King did, to understand, and to comprehend, and replace that violence, that stain of bloodshed that has spread across our land, with an effort to understand, compassion and love.

For those of you who are black and are tempted to be filled with hatred and mistrust of the injustice of such an act, against all white people, I would only say that I can also feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a white man.

But we have to make an effort in the United States, we have to make an effort to understand, to get beyond, or go beyond these rather difficult times.

My favorite poem, my favorite poet was Aeschylus. And he once wrote:

"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
until, in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God."

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence and lawlessness, but is love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or whether they be black.

So I ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King -- yeah, it's true -- but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love -- a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times. We've had difficult times in the past. And we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; and it's not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings that abide in our land.

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world. Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.

Thank you very much."

Riots erupted all across America following King's death...

Indianapolis, where this speech was delivered, was spared...

Thank you, Bobby...for articulating what is so great about America...

...even during a time when America was divided and polarized...in the midst of a war against a terrible dictatorship/autocratic regime...and in serious soul-searching about whether it had lost its way...

A time much like today...

I just want to take a moment and apologize to anyone and everyone with whom I've conducted myself poorly and gone over the top with on the various forums that I've debated and/or discussed policy with, on...

The gravity of the CLEAR ESCALATION of terrorist violence in London, Iraq, and Afghanistan, right now, has sapped me of all partisan or personal animosities as a matter of dealing with this very serious threat...

We need to get these sons-a-bitches...and soon...

Love,
Ben

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness:):):)...Andrew Sullivan at his finest:):):)...

I definitely recommend that people should listen to Andrew read this essay aloud at NPR.org:):)...

Andrew Sullivan...This I Believe...Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness...on National Public Radio:):):)...

A moving dedication to America from one of its finest British immigrants:):)...

"I believe in life. I believe in treasuring it as a mystery that will never be fully understood, as a sanctity that should never be destroyed, as an invitation to experience now what can only be remembered tomorrow. I believe in its indivisibility, in the intimate connection between the newest bud of spring and the flicker in the eye of a patient near death, between the athlete in his prime and the quadriplegic vet, between the fetus in the womb and the mother who bears another life in her own body.

I believe in liberty. I believe that within every soul lies the capacity to reach for its own good, that within every physical body there endures an unalienable right to be free from coercion. I believe in a system of government that places that liberty at the center of its concerns, that enforces the law solely to protect that freedom, that sides with the individual against the claims of family and tribe and church and nation, that sees innocence before guilt and dignity before stigma. I believe in the right to own property, to maintain it against the benign suffocation of a government that would tax more and more of it away. I believe in freedom of speech and of contract, the right to offend and blaspheme, as well as the right to convert and bear witness. I believe that these freedoms are connected -- the freedom of the fundamentalist and the atheist, the female and the male, the black and the Asian, the gay and the straight.

I believe in the pursuit of happiness. Not its attainment, nor its final definition, but its pursuit. I believe in the journey, not the arrival; in conversation, not monologues; in multiple questions rather than any single answer. I believe in the struggle to remake ourselves and challenge each other in the spirit of eternal forgiveness, in the awareness that none of us knows for sure what happiness truly is, but each of us knows the imperative to keep searching. I believe in the possibility of surprising joy, of serenity through pain, of homecoming through exile.

And I believe in a country that enshrines each of these three things, a country that promises nothing but the promise of being more fully human, and never guarantees its success. In that constant failure to arrive -- implied at the very beginning -- lies the possibility of a permanently fresh start, an old newness, a way of revitalizing ourselves and our civilization in ways few foresaw and one day many will forget. But the point is now. And the place is America."

A place that is more humane, more decent, and with a better promise for all of us of being more fully human for your presence in it, Andrew:):):)...thank you:):):)...

Love,
Ben

The Fog of War...

We're watching Errol Morris' BRILLIANT documentary, The Fog of War, this afternoon:):)...

We've not finished it, yet:):)...

But the film, largely about the legacy of John F. Kennedy's and Lyndon Johnson's Secretary of Defense, Robert McNamara, is a BRILLIANT little history of warfare through the eyes of Robert McNamara...

And there was this powerful line that I thought summed up so much of what is important about the making and viewing of this film...from the Defense Secretary who most nearly faced a nuclear war in the 20th century...and who most narrowly faced it down...

"I think the human race needs to think more about killing...about conflict...is that what we want in this 21st Century?"

A powerful and important question...

And one of the most powerful statements of the film...

"What makes us omniscient?...Have we a record of omniscience?...We are the strongest nation in the world today...I do not believe that we should EVER apply economic, political, or military power unilaterally...if we had applied that rule in Vietnam, we wouldn't have been there...none of our allies supported us...not Japan...not Germany...not Britain or France...if we can't persuade nations with comparable values of the merit of our cause...we better reexamine our reasoning"...

Robert McNamara is the second important former American cabinet member to call into question his own foreign policy legacy to make that observation...

The other is Richard Nixon's Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger...

An important film for everyone to see...

Ben

Independence Day in America:):)...or why America and I need this Fourth of July:):):)...

It's funny that I'd be writing this while watching a really great Spanish film:):)...La Mala Educacio'n:):):):)...but maybe because it's so all-American to do so, too:):):)...

Gael Garcia' Bernal -- from Y Tu Mama Tambien -- is BRILLIANT in this movie:):):)...definitely recommend it:):):)...very impressive:):):)...

This weekend...I'm going to hang out with some old friends...if they're going to be around:):):)...it's a busy weekend:):)...but a four-day vacation from work that I plan on enjoying to the hilt:):):)...

Because...this year:):):)...

America needs the Fourth of July:):):)...America needs to celebrate it's independence:):):)...

Because God knows that noone else is going to do it for us:):):)...

I spend a lot of time engaging folks from abroad on matters of American culture and policy:):)...
And get to listen to all kinds of hateful and nasty things said about America:):):)...it's a pleasure, let me tell ya:):):)...

I read, this morning, as one friend rationalized the kidnapping and threats of death and harm to both the Americans kidnapped and their families Iranian students in 1979...could hardly believe it, really...

And I've read/listened to a lot of pretty ugly things said about America, lately...

A LOT of disgust with President Bush's international policy in international circles, these days...something more Americans should care about quite a bit more, I believe...

So...this Independence Day:):):)...

I'm looking forward to celebrating freedom in America:):):)...the most worthy thing to celebrate in America, now, I think:):):)...because it is so fundamental to everything else that matters in America and in the world, right now:):):)...and for as long as our often tragic, and more often heroic and decent little species inhabits this small planet, third from the Sun, in this little corner of our vast univere:):):)...

This will likely be THE BEST FOURTH OF JULY I've ever celebrated in America:):):)...I kinda wish I would have taken Harvey up on the offer to go to the Royals game this weekend:):):)...

Just so I could stand proudly...with my ball camp in hand and over my heart:):):)...and STARE AT THAT BEAUTIFUL FUCKIN' FLAG DEAD ON:):):)...

And sing AS PROUDLY I FUCKIN' AS COULD, this year:):):)...

"...O SAY THAT STAR SPANGLED BANNER YET WAVE...
O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE...AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE"...

And then what would be more American than to hear the end of that song:):):)...and then to hear an announcer say, "Play ball":):):)...yeah...maybe I'll have to give ol' Harvey a call:):):)...

I love this fuckin' country:):):)...flaws and warts and failings and blunders and all:):):)...

I love this fuckin' country:):):)...

And...truth be told:):):)...

For all its faults:)...

It's homophobia...it's irrational drug and gun policies...it's fucked up and repressive attitudes towards sexuality and all kinds of stuff, really:):):)...it's bullshit schizophrenia about what it really wants...freedom or repression...democracy or dominance...humanity or brutality...

For all of America's BULLSHIT...of which there is MUCH:):):)...

I FUCKIN' LOVE THIS COUNTRY:):):):):)...I love this country through thick and fuckin' thin:):):)...through sickness and health:):):)...till death do us part:):):)...

I've thought, occassionally, about what it might be like to live somewhere else:):):)...

Like Britain:):)...or Italy:):)...or Canada:):)...or Germany:):)...or France:):)...or the Netherlands -- particularly Amsterdam:):):):):)...or Japan:):)...or Spain:):)...or Mexico:):):)...or a MILLION OTHER PLACES:):):)...

But the truth is:):):)...

That I fuckin' love the United States of America:):):)...I love this fuckin' country:):):)...

I love its freedom:):):)...I love that I can say whatever the fuck I want to say in this country:):):)...I love that -- within limits that are always expanding:):):) -- that I can do whatever the fuck I want in this country as a responsible and decent human being:):):)...and I love that this country is my one and only home:):):)...where I will spend the rest of my natural born life:):):)...

I want that freedom for the whole fuckin' world:):):)...and all the freedoms in places like Canada and Italy and Spain and Great Britain and Australia and France and Germany and Japan and the Netherlands and Mexico and Greece and Portugal and Sweden and Norway and Finland and Ireland and Austria and Switzerland and Costa Rica and Belize and and the Dominican Republic and Jamaica and American and Western Samoa and Fiji and Greenland and Iceland...

...and places like Israel and India and Hong Kong and South Korea and Brazil and Venezuela and Chile and Paraguay and Peru and Argentina and Guatemala and South Africa and Liberia and Kuwait and Turkey and Poland and Hungary and Bulgaria and Lithuania and Latvia and Estonia and Romania and the Czech Republic and Slovakia and Slovenia and the Phillipines...

...and like Russia and Georgia and Kyrgistan and Belarus and Lebanon and Taiwan and Singapore and Lesotho and Swaziland...and even places like Thailand and Pakistan and Bali and Nigeria and Egypt and Haiti and Kenya and Somalia and Myanmar and Armenia...

...and even freedoms in China and Vietnam and Cuba and Mozambique and North Korea and Syria and Iran and Lybia and Algeria...and Bosnia and Rwanda and Sudan and the Congo...

...and, of course, Iraq:)...where -- for all of the bungling of that little effort -- freedom is being celebrated more today than ever in that country's history...

This Fourth of July needs to be a LONG OVERDUE celebration of the virtues of freedom...in an America...and in a world...that has too often, lately, been celebrating its darker, more repressive bullshit and vices...

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY:):):)...and it's freedom:):):)...and freedom and democracy all over the world:):):)...

Happy Birthday, America:):):)...

Have a great Independence Day, everyone:):):)...

Play ball:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Dissappointing news in Iraq...

USA Today analysis indicates that pace of American troop deaths is rising...

USA Today's Rick Jervis reports that U.S. troop deaths increased one-third in the past 12 months...882 American troops died in the last 12 months of combat, versus 657 in the year previous...

It's actually pretty obvious conclusion from the graphics of the numbers from GlobalSecurity.org...

GlobalSecurity.org

The earlier analysis I did that indicated and hoped that the number of deaths may be decreasing post-election seems to giving way, now, to both a long term trend of more American and Iraqi and coalition force deaths...AND a shorter term upward trend, at this point, post-election...

...please check out the graphs on both links...

It's very sad, of course, that more troops are dying at this point in the war...

But even sadder to me is the recalcitrance of so many American conservatives in looking at the numbers and the chaos in Iraq...

The President, I hope, will reconsider matters as he looks at these numbers more carefully...

But too many conservatives I deal with these days are just stubborn in a way that is seriously disappointing to those wanting to prevent deaths of American soldiers and Iraqis...

I do wonder, at some point, how genuinely concerned they are for those whose lives are at risk...

And how concerned they are with the all too challenging and yet important task of reconsidering a course when it is not working out as planned...

The definition of insanity, the old saying goes, is to do the same thing over and over again and getting the same results...

In the President's case and in the case of too many recalictrant conservatives the situation is doing the same thing over and over again and getting a WORSE result...

What finally leads folks to reconsider a path that they've defended against all criticism, I wonder?...

And why, in the big picture, would you WANT defend a course of action against all criticism, I wonder?...

I mean...at this point -- aside from the intellectually honest assessments that need to be made of the situation in Iraq if we want to save lives, short term and long term -- it doesn't even make political sense for conservatives to do so...

Americans are growing increasingly skeptical of the war in majority numbers...even in famously more conservative North Carolina, where the President gave his recent Fort Bragg speech to rally support for the war...

The numbers of troops dying are increasing, over the long haul...

The insurgency in Afghanistan is resurging...

Anti-American attitudes -- even in allied countries -- are stronger...especially in places like Iran and North Korea, where the goal is to persuade them to give up their pursuit of belligerent nuclear ambitions...and where, in both countries, those ambitions are clearly INCREASING...

And a growing list of conservative thinkers, as well as intelligent liberals and international leaders, have been critical of the Administration's international policy...

But no matter how much the news gets worse on a whole range of indicators...and no matter what the warnings about the long term consequences of ignoring anti-American sentiments in much of the developed and developing world, especially in Arab Muslim nations whose states and/or peoples might support the efforts of groups like al Queda and the insurgents in Iraq...

Conservatives and George Bush just maintain their recalcitrance in the face of failure...

Why?...I have to ask myself...

At a certain point...it doesn't even benefit your self-interest...

So, why do it?...

Tentatively, I have a couple of hunches...

I think that it doesn't really have to do with self-interest so much as it does with having to do what some people find it hardest to do...

First, to give up their bitterness that so blinds them...

This is not something exclusive to conservatives, obviously...in fact, the calls for President Bush's impeachment and/or a war crimes tribunal are out of bitterness, too, I think...

And while I think we have much reason to be concerned about such bitterness amongst liberals when liberals are governing (current efforts to regulate the economy our bourne out of such bitterness, I think...and something that we have MUCH to fear from liberals, in the coming years)...liberals are not, largely, in power, right now...conservatives are...and, thus, the reason for my focus on conservatives, at this particular moment (though, don't worry...though I am a liberal...I've learned my lesson...liberals are guilty of this, too...and need to be critiqued and checked, as a consequence...God, I'm so glad I live in a democracy:):):):):):):)...

Bitterness blinds people making political judgments and judgments of all kinds, really:):):)...none of us are immune to it, obviously:):):)...but some of us -- independent of ideology, I'm learning:):):) -- deal with it better than others:)...and some of have a lot of work to do:):)...

The second hunch I have is that it is just too difficult for some folks to admit when they're wrong...

And I think that's because to admit that they might be wrong means to acknowledge that, perhaps, seriously thinking through such matters REALLY MATTERS...that it's not just a luxury of all those liberal academic elitists in universities...or all those elitist liberal journalists in the MSM (the Mainstream Media)...or all those liberal Democratic critics in Congress...

That thinking through these issues (and all things, really) matters to EVERYONE...

Including and especially the leader of the free world...

There are many very smart conservatives who still recalcitrantly support the Administration just staying the course...

And what they have in common with their less intelligent brethren in the conservative cause...

Is that they have the DAMNDEST TIME admitting when they're wrong...

It's a foolish kind of stubborness that I'm quite confident, at this point, looking at the poll numbers and their trends, will be duly humbled in the next national elections...

But MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than the elections...

...is the consequences that such stubborness has on the lives lost -- American, Iraqi, and otherwise -- due to the inability of the same folks to square good intentions with disappointing realities...

I don't know anymore:):)...

There is one really important variable that I've been critical of, off and on, for last 2 or 3 years...
And that is the effort by liberals to PRESSURE the Administration and conservatives to rethink this effort...rather than just trying to PERSUADE them to do the same...

Those efforts to PRESSURE the Administration and world leaders were echoed by U2's Bono in the most recent Time interview with him about Live 8 efforts to end poverty and deal with the ravages of AIDS and disease in Africa and the developing world...

And those efforts have CLEARLY FAILED, I think, to any honest liberals considering the honest consequences of such efforts...

The President is DEFINITELY the most responsible party, here...he did sign up to be the most powerful leader in the world, after all...and he can be responsible for his own thoughts and actions...

But as with the relationship between the Administration and al Queda terrorists and insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan...where al Queda and insurgents are responsible for their own murderous ways...and the Administration is responsible for the larger issues of how its actions improve and make worse (and the various permutations of both) those same probabilities of behavior on the part of al Queda and other terrorist and insurgent groups...

Liberals are also responsible for how they deal with the Administration...

And if they're keeping track...

The Administration gets MORE RECALCITRANT the MORE THEY ARE PRESSURED...very much like Kim Jong Il in North Korea...and the Iranian leadership and its ambitions for nuclear capabilities...

I do everything I can to persuade liberals and other folks to lessen and end that pressure...

Sometimes successfully...sometimes unsuccessfully...

I'm sure there is much I can do to improve how I do this...

But, for now...

I'm just frustrated with all the stubbornness...all of the threats...all of the pressure...all of the efforts to scare the shit out of one another...

That just don't work...

If we'd all just take some time away from our own fears and frustrations long enough to look at it straight...and not just follow our fantasies of making the world do each of our bidding...

I think we'd see it more clearly...

Sometimes aggression is needed in the moment to deal with serious situations...sometimes it's just a reaction to a difficult reality...

But aggression cannot sustain long term relationships that nurture the kind of openness and exchange and interaction and honest engagement that nurture the kind of values and outcomes that we care about and that we say that we care about...

In our personal relationships...nor in our political relationships...

THE SAME DAY that Sandra Day O'Connor...one of the most DECENT justices in one of the most decent institutions in American politics...and my choice, totally on merit, for Chief Justice, had she not retired to care for her sick and possibly dying husband...

THAT SAME DAY...liberal and conservative groups announce that they will be, as Ala at Blonde Sagacity puts it, "Takin' it to the Mattresses!!!" over the nomination battle to appoint a justice in her stead...

Blonde Sagacity...

And at a certain point, I just wonder...

When will we all pull back from the brink?...

When will we figure out that this little political war is serving NOONE...not even those who are fighting it...or, presumably, the folks it is being fought for...

And certainly not all of the people who are dying -- Iraqis, Americans, Britons, Italians, Ukranians, Poles, Spaniards, Bulgarians, Slovaks, Estonians, Thai, Dutch, Danish, Hungarian, Latvian, Kazakh, Salvadoran...everyone -- in higher numbers than is necessary...

When do we all pull back from all this useless propagandizing and foolish political conflict and manipulation...

And just do the REALLY OBVIOUS THING?:):):)...

Just discuss it with one another...passionately, to be sure...but intelligently and with an honest concern with doing good and saving lives more than "being right" in the face of contrary realities...

I'm sure I've fucked this up along the way...

And it is MUCH HARDER to see when one is fucking up or not when "it is on," so to speak...and everything is interpreted with suspicion and fear...

Which is EXACTLY THE POINT, really...

That all the suspicion and fear INTERFERE with efforts to persuade...which, ultimately, are THE ONLY EFFORTS THAT REALLY WORK...

Will the President and conservatives and liberals and Democratic and liberal leaders and leaders in Iran and North Korea and the terrorists and insurgents in Iraq and among al Queda -- the last two groups being the LEAST LIKELY to step back from aggressive efforts once engaged -- step back from the persistent brinksmanship?...

I sure hope so...

I do have some unexplainable faith in the political center...in the ultimate decency of humanity and Americans and decent peoples everywhere...

But, MAN, if it's not showing up in all too many friends and folks, generally, these days, who say that they care more about doing good than politically cynical efforts to win political points...who criticize politicians, rightly, for similar political cynicism...

Given the cynicism of Newt Gingrich's effort to win power in 1994...and of the efforts to impeach Bill Clinton in 1999...

I do have to wonder if the cynicism...of politics...and, consequently, about the lives that politics, at some level, is designed to improve...

...if it's gotten worse...or if we've gotten better...

It does seem to me that it's gotten worse...

...among conservatives and liberals...

And I have to wonder if folks ever do take a step back from that and wonder to themselves...

"Why do I care about this, again?"...

I think it'd be a good question for a lot of people to ask themselves, these days...

Love,
Ben

Feeling inspired:):):)...

COMPLETELY related to the comment of Long Time Away...

Strange feeling this morning:):):)...

I got off work, as usual:):)...

Work is going GREAT, overall, I'd say:):):)...

I'm working shipping, now, by the way:):)...I just like the guys better:):):)...we argue more than we did in the door stacking section I worked in before:):):)...

But as I told Brandi before and after we broke up:):):)...I don't mind arguing:):):)...in fact, it brings me closer to a person:):):)...I'd rather know what's on your mind and what's bothering you and have a chance to talk about it, argue about it, listen and consider it, and be responsive to it, if possible, than be with people who keep their bullshit to themselves with no opportunity to expose it to the sunlight:):):)...the passive aggressive bullshit I went through in the door stacking position I was in before made OH SO CLEAR to me how much I LOVE being with people who argue with me:):):)...than with people who either shut everything off, themselves...or when people try to shut me off (don't worry...I'm over the "Great Chit Controversy of 2005):):):):):):)...

...we have a new boss:):)...he's not perfect:):)...but who is, really:):):)...and I like him:):):)...he seems like a good guy, I think:):):)...I liked both of the guys who were running things before (though one, in particular, and both, at times, could be REALLY CONDESCENDING to me, in ways that REALLY OFFENDED ME, frankly...I am about the HARDEST WORKING MOTHER FUCKER I've ever met in my entire life, if you include all the THINKING WORK I do which FAR OUTPACES anyone I've ever worked or been with, frankly...and both of those guys -- who I really like and appreciate as human beings, remember -- insulted my work ethic, which is about the MOST BULLSHIT RATIONALIZING people who are afraid that their not as smart as me can do with me, frankly...and it makes me want to vomit that people would reach so far to avoid facing the fact that...NOT ONLY am I smarter than most folks, frankly:):):)...but I will kick your ass as a hard worker and quite a few things really:):):):):):):)...and you and everyone else can FUCKIN' DEAL, frankly:):):)...and keep up with me, if you can:):):):):):):)LOL:):):):):):)...

Does anyone ask Michael Jordan to slow down so that they can keep pace with him?:):):)...NO:):):)...and I expect the same courtesy:):):)...even as I WORK MY ASS OFF to get you up to speed with me:):):)...(something that EVERYONE COMPLETELY TAKES FOR GRANTED WITH ME:):):) -- that I am a INCREDIBLE MOTHERFUCKIN' TEACHER:):):):):):):)...and that is something that YOU CAN BET YOUR FUCKIN' ASS ON:):):):):):):)...and to learn as much from you as you learn from me:):):):):):)...

And this morning:):):)...after a GREAT NIGHT:):):) (did I mention, by the way, that I think I'm getting a reputation as something of a badass, by the way:):):)...meaning...don't fuck with me:):):)...and when you do, as I tell Joe:):):)...MY PATIENCE IS ELASTIC:):):)...NOT INFINITE:):):):):)...oh...and a
"Lunch and Learning" opportunity that we had last night, I think, demonstrated JUST HOW RELEVANT learning and education is to EVERY JOB:):):):):):)...even loading doors at Amarr Garage Doors:):):):)...

Sorry:):):)...

Back to my story:):):):):):)...

So:):):)...

I go grocery shopping, this morning, after I get off work:):):)...

I'm walking through the store, picking up all kinds of vegi entrees and organic foods:):):)...

And I pass by the floral section:):):):)...

Now...I haven't bought flowers consistently for about 4 years now...I used to feel so inspired by my relationship with Brandi that I would buy flowers once a week...once every two weeks, as a conservative estimate:):):)...

And I have DEFINITELY noticed a correlation between how in love I am with someone and how many times I buy flowers:):):)...

When I'm IN LOVE -- and I mean IN LOVE...not just love girlfriends, all of whom, as with all my friends, as well, I love:):):)...

When I'm IN LOVE:):):)...I buy flowers ALL THE TIME:):):):):):)...

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MISS IT, actually:):):):):):):):)...

And today:):):)...I'm walking through the store...thinking some pretty inspiring thoughts, I must say, if I can say so myself:):):)...

And then I go through that floral section:):):):):)...

And I decide that I HAVE GOT TO FALL IN LOVE:):):)...

I MUST...I NEED IT:):):)...BADLY:):):)...

I have been pursued by ALMOST LITERALLY EVERY GIRL THAT I'VE WORKED WITH IN THE LAST TWO YEARS:):):)...

I have NO IDEA why this is the case:):):)...

While I think of myself as above average attractiveness:):):)...

I am DEFINITELY NO BRAD PITT:):):):):):):):)...(by the way, ladies:):):)...Brad Pitt...in Snatch:):):)...almost wants me want to turn gay:):):)...I have to give that guy his props:):):)...

But NOONE...not in FOUR FUCKING YEARS...NOONE...NOONE...NOONE...NOONE...NOONE...NOONE...COMPARES TO BRANDI...NOONE...NOONE...NOONE...NOONE...

It is KILLS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):)LOL:):):):):):)...

I didn't even LIKE THIS GIRL AS MUCH AS SHE LIKED ME, initially:):):)...I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DATING THIS GIRL FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER WE MET:):):):):):):)...I think that I am going CLINICALLY INSANE, desperate to be in love like that again:):):):):):)...

So I'm in the floral section:):):):)...I look at the irises (which I ADORE:):):):):)...I look at the plotted flowers:):):) (so I can grow some and watch them grow over time:):):):)...I look at the REALLY GREAT IDEA that Dillons has, now, of a package of rose petals:):):):) (if you're a romantic like me:):):)...and you want rose petals to spread for a night of lovemaking:):):):)...this is SUCH A GREAT IDEA:):):):)...though I think I'll spread my rose petals the old-fashioned way:):):)...and pluck them myself from roses I buy for the one I love:):):):)...

And all of a sudden:):):):)...

I'm just inspired:):):):)...

I decide that I'VE GOT TO FALL IN LOVE:):):)...it is MY MISSION IN LIFE:):):):):):)...

I'm not feeling all hurt like I was when Brandi and I had just broken up:):):)...just desperate for companionship:):):)...which I found in QUITE A FEW VERY CLOSE FRIENDS, really, in the aftermath of that too tragic and stupid fallout:):):) (you ever feel like A COMPLETE MORON for fucking up the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE?:):):):):):)...that's how I've felt for about 4 years, now:):):):):):)...

I'm just ON A MISSION:):):):):):)...

There are MANY, MANY, MANY women who have pursued sex/love with me in the last couple years or so, after I've left the dreaded and stagnant confines of a grad school too stuck in the past to look to the future:):):):):):)...

BUT NOONE WHO INSPIRES ME TO THE LEVEL OF LOVE that, as the Dixie Chicks sing in, "I Believe in Love":):):)..."to be in love like I am till now...than settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light"...and later..."love is out there waiting somewhere...you just have to go and find it":):):)...

And that is EXACTLY WHAT I AM GODDAMNED DETERMINED TO DO:):):)...

I know what everyone says:):):)...you can't find love:):):)...it's got to find you:):):):):):)...

But I'm like this explorer of an unknown, exotic region...a level of love heretofore unknown to humanity:):):):):):)...I will seek it out...I will pursue it...I will follow whatever paths it leads me along...I will lay down by its still waters...and I will drink of its bounty when I find the stream that can quench my thirst...

I need passion...I need inspiration...I need someone who can challenge me...teach me...learn from me...listen...and share...someone who talks over me, so excited they are to share whatever new thought or feeling or impression or opinion or recent outlook or perspective...WHATEVER...runs across their pretty little head:):):):):):)...

I need someone who KICKS MY FUCKING ASS at loving humanity and life and me and themselves:):):):):):)...someone who KICKS MY FUCKING ASS going deeper and getting better...and someone WHO KICKS MY FUCKING ASS trying, when their busy with me KICKING THEIR FUCKING ASS doing all of the same:):):):):):)...

That's what I want:):):):):):):)...

Someone who impresses me:):):):):):)...and who just keeps impressing me, every time I turn around:):):):):):)...

Have anyone heard the Dixie Chicks' More Love?:):):):):):)...if you haven't:):):)...you should:):):):):):)..it's the song that inspired me to buy one of the best albums I've bought in the last 10 years, at least:):):):):):)...check it out:):):):):):)...

Is it too much to ask that the Chicks sing at my wedding?:):):):):):)...I don't think so:):):)...I should start writing Natalie, Emily, and Marty:):):):):):)...I love those girls:):):):):):)...

By the way:):):)...important detail in my life, right now:):):):):):)...Brandi finally wrote me:):):)...after the longest period of time that we've been out of communication in the entire time we've known each other:):):):):):)...she wanted to know my address to send me a picture album that my sister made me several years back for Christmas:):):):):):):)...

I told her that I saw a picture of her and Greg on the internet, recently:):):)...it was cute:):):):):):)...hope their both doing alright:):):)...

Oh:):):)...

And I'm 32:):):)...as of June 14th:):):)...

And...despite not being in love:):):)...

I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life:):):):):):):)...

Something I've learned as I meet people who DON'T feel life as deeply as I do:):):)...

I don't envy A SINGLE SOLITARY ONE OF THEM:):):):):):):)...

I would rather take ALL THE SHIT that I feel, right now:):):):)...and ACTUALLY FEEL IT:):):):):):):)...

Than live the LIFELESS, NUMB, SAD lives that folks who repress so much of their emotional lives live when they don't express their lives and their feelings and their thoughts and THEMSELVES as much as I get a chance to do:):):):):):)...

And to kick peoples' LILLY WHITE FUCKIN' ASSES, in the process:):):):):):):)...

Looking forward to many more years of that, I hope:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben