Trying to figure it all out...

You know what's so great about working at a school?...

You get to see people at an age when we they all get cared about...no matter what...some less than others, unfortunately...but all of them, in general...

And I'm just trying to figure out...where adults get the notion that as of 18 or so...

We all just have to start treating each other like shit, all of the time?...

We definitely have to grow up...I definitely believe that...and I'm so incredibly frustrated with young adults and older adults, alike, who can never quite get growing up, seriously...who all often act like adolescents, rationalizing what shitheads they are, all the time...

But where'd we get this stupid notion, I constantly wonder?...

This idea that treating each other like shit...that muscling our way through most problems...works...for everyone...not just for our own selfish concerns...and the tough treatment we all receive as a adults that often leads to that more selfish outlook...

On almost every major issue I can think that we face together, right now...this is the central problem...it's the big fat elephant sitting in the middle of the fucking room...

The dumber people are...the more they want to muscle through problems they don't want to and don't know how to think through...

And the smarter folks in the world like muscling through problems, too...just less than the dumber of us...

And you watch the whole spectacle...and you're just like, "When are people going to give up the jig?"...

I don't know where people get this notion...from people treating them like shit, in all likelihood...and them wanting to take it out on someone else...

But it can't stop until people start to acknowledge it...and change the way they deal with things...

And no major problem we face, right now, will be fundamentally addressed in all the million ways that we could be addressing it or them with a more genuinely collaborative, open-ended, problem-solving way until we cut this bullshit out...

But...for whatever reasons...just stubborness, really...more than anything else...

Noone wants to cut it out...

Everyone is somehow deluded in the notion that they will eventually win whatever power gamble they're engaged in (there are power gambles we must engage in, so it's not like force is never necessary...we just need to do a far better job of judging those situations and using power when it will solve a problem and not just put off a problem until the power conflict gets resolved)...

And what's so sad about the whole goddamn thing...

Is how lost we get in it...

How lost we get in the notion that someday we'll win the power battle...

The most completely dysfunctional power battle I see in every day life is people who don't want to take life seriously at all...

They're gonna fight for their right to live as irresponsibly, ignoring all the real consequences, as they want...

And the responsible people in their lives...like me...trying to encourage them in the better direction...often futily, it seems...

It's the Lion King...trying to get his Hakuna Matata friends to start taking responsibilities to the community seriously...

And this Lion King is really tired and frustrated with so many failed efforts (along with a lot of successful ones) to lead people in a better direction...though I'm totally clear that efforts to force people in that direction frustrate that general purpose, enormously...

And there's this age...when everyone gets cared about...by someone...one person, at least, and usually many...and it's great...

And then the power battles ensue...when we start trying to force one another to be responsible...and it just never seems to end, sometimes...

Some of that being responsible we call conservative...usually, I think, this means being morally and financially responsible (though a lot of good and decent conservatives, at least, recognize that there are realities that don't always allow for perfection in these areas by most if not all people)...and responsible for the safety of others and ourselves...

And some of that responsible we call being liberal...which usually involves being compassionate and caring about others...looking out for and taking care of the least fortunate amongst us...being forgiving and merciful when people need it...avoiding war as much as possible...

And somewhere along the way...we all just get lost in this notion that being responsible means forcing others to do our bidding...and when they don't, really making them, by forcing them more...

In psychology...it's called a control issue...it's a problem for those who carry one around with them...and it is responsible for so much of what is wrong with the world, today...

I have one, sometimes...

Melissa and I, last night, were talking about how people can just blow off serious responsibilities so easily...why some people feel no responsibility, at all, to take serious things seriously...and then, how, others who do take those things seriously end up taking them all far too seriously, so frustrated are they with carrying the burden for everyone else who just won't ante up and be a part of a solution...some solution...any solution...and how, as a consequence, those people just become pawns in a world of very skilled chess players who manipulate them until they figure out how to think for themselves...

Melissa says I'm pressuring her too much...and I'm thinking...why do people have such a hard time having it sink in that learning about these important stuff in the world is important...so they can be a part of solutions...rather than easily manipulated pawns who become a part of problems, because they can't find it in themselves to be a part of solutions...

But it's clear that I'm making Melissa feel bad...and I had had the same conversation with Brandi a million times...so I back off...and say I'm sorry...

But I am also left with the same feeling I've had before...which is when you don't take serious issues seriously...you should not be surprised when noone gives a shit what you have to say when you do express your opinion...opinions are like assholes, as the saying goes...so yours is number 1,874 that I've heard today...so unless there is substance to your opinion, I don't really give much of a shit about it...and if you don't take thinking and learning about issues seriously...then you should not be surprised when you haven't learned much about them when you need to understand them better...and when I ignore your opinion because it reflects that kind of ignorance...

And yet...it is all kinds of people...more and less intelligent...political and non-political...most people, really...Melissa is an exception to this rule since she very rarely pressures for anything at all really...she's more flight than fight, which has it's drawbacks for her...

All kinds of people...who don't want to understand issues...but goddamn it if they want others to take their various random opinions seriously...and to abide by them...even if there's not much substantial behind them...or if there is more substance in other thinking about those same issues...

And all these various folks...who want to get their way...without really understanding important questions very thoroughly at all, as a general rule...want to get their way...

And not just politics...just life in general...

And they fuck everything up...and because they're not responsible for very much in their lives...they don't and won't take responsibility for anything that comes out of the way they handle things...no matter how much it fucks things up...

Some of them are poor...some of them are rich...some of them are more powerful...some of them are less powerful...

But the one thing they all have in common is that they keep making the same stupid mistake over and over again on this one...and most of them lack even what I would consider a very basic level of curiosity about how they might identify the problem...

And yet...they...we...all start out in school together...all people with others around us that care about us...

And then we go off in a million different random directions...most people both giving lip service to school as important...but generally ignoring it and all the learning and understanding it has to offer...out of arrogance more than anything else, I'm convinced...and out of their frustration with how they were treated in school...especially higher stakes school situations, like high school and college or post-secondary schools of all kinds...vo-tech...junior colleges...technical schools...culinary schools...whereever...

And yet we all started out in similar enough schools...

Some of us took school seriously...and some of us blew it off...and many of us still blow it off (it was both ironic and amusing to watch teachers blow off the in-service teacher we had the other day on discipline issues which they've all been bitching about since I got there, and yet blowing off this teacher in the very same way that they complain that kids blow them off in their classrooms...most people are kind of self-centered, I'm learning...though teachers are less so than most people I've encountered, thusfar, in this world...that's why it's so easy to be extraordinary...it just takes a little thought about others than yourself)...

But...ultimately...we all have the same opportunities to do great or not-so-great or really pretty shitty things in life...and some people choose the shitty things...and some people choose the not-so-great things...and some people choose the great things...

And the whole time I'm left shaking my head wondering, "Why do we all choose, so often, to be so goddamn petty?":):):)...does it serve us?...generally, not...is it good for ourselves or others?...generally not...

Then why?...

And the answer I'm beginning to figure out is that it seems easy in the moment...and most people want what they think is going to be an easier route...which, generally, turns out to be a harder route...and so they end up slugging it out with a harder life and having very little to show for it...

And all because they just couldn't/wouldn't think about it a little more...

It's all so sad and pathetic, I think:):)...

And all in the name of wanting to avoid being a better person...which they often try at only very half-heartedly...and taking constant pity breaks to recall (generally self-centeredly) the hardships they experienced in their chase of often terribly petty goals, along with a lot of decent goals and dreams, as well...

And I'm watching this whole thing thinking, "Why?"...

It all just seems so completely adolescent and small to me...

My religion is better than your religion...

My party is better than your party...

My ideology is better than your ideology...

My dad can beat up your dad...

It all just seems so goddamn stupid to me...

I'm not even really disheartened by it, anymore...

I'm just kind of perpetually in awe of how many variations of stupid that people can engage in...

And I'm beginning to realize that when we say that we need to look out for the stupid and foolish amongst us...

That we're not talking about a select group of us...

We're talking about all of us...me too...

We're all just a bunch of tough, stupid dumbasses (even the less tough and stupid among us) all trying to get our way...

And just as we look back on the American civil war...and monarchy...and segregation...and patriarchy...and a whole load of stupid shit...

Our progeny will be studying one day in text books...about what morons we were...always trying to get our way...always self-assured in our efforts...no matter how much we clearly fail...

I've got a driver's side window to attend to...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):)...

Love,
Ben

Progress...what it is...what it isn't...and why it matters...

Listening to: Toby Keith...American Soldier...

I just lost this really long, involved post on the problem of "honor killings" in Iraq and other traditional societies and why they illustrate, really well, I think, the principles of least possible necessary aggression...

And then I lost it all...ugh is a serious understatement, right now...

The essence of it is this, though...

"Honor killings" in traditional societies -- of female family members, of wives, etc. -- arise out of the various ways that social groups -- like the tribal groups featured in this NPR report -- try to coerce adherence to social taboos...and hence lead not only to repression of violations of those taboos, when they happen...which they most certainly do, we can be fully confident...if they didn't, there'd be no reason for the taboo...but they lead to destructive and dysfunctional responses to both the original taboo -- sexual obsession, in the case of sexual taboos -- but then also repressive means of dealing with those taboos...family shame...and in these very tragic cases, murder, to try to remove shame from the family...

It's all this very sad, very destructive vicious cycle and self-fullfilling prophecy that can only be broken with more openness and freedom...for us to deal with ourselves and each other as we are, for real...and get better, as a consequence...and to do so with compassion and a more developed understanding of the underlying issues involved...

More democratic, free, modern, Western, enlightened, open, humane...whatever the hell you want to call more free, democratic, and open cultures...they are stronger, as cultures and because of the strength of individuals, emotionally, intellectually, morally, and otherwise, because they deal with these issues more openly...and even they are limited in doing so by similar taboos that prevent more open discussion...but they do so better than more traditional societies because they understand such issues as part of larger matters of humanity and constructive approaches to relationships between them...

As Bruno Kirby and Billy Crystal remind us in When Harry Met Sally...

Jess: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry Burns: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.

There's a lot more to this...but I'm tired and frustrated that I lost that post...and I have to get to bed so I can get up at a decent hour tomorrow morning...

Have a good night, everyone...

Ben

Random daily affirmation...

I was in the middle of copying stuff, today, when I randomly happened upon a book of daily affirmations that someone had left in the copy room...

And I equally randomly open up the book to a quotation/story that is so true, I just had to chuckle:):)...

"May 21

Dear friend, theory is all grey,
And the golden tree of life is green.
-Goethe

Marcus, a gifted psychologist, is also a full professor at a major state university. For twenty-five years he has studied, taught, and written about the workings of the human psyche. Few experts are as well grounded for up to date in their field as Marcus is.
Yet Marcus's own life is in conflict. His stomach tells him so. In spite of all his credentials and qualifications, he has long-term gut-level issues that aren't relieved by research or study. For all his knowledge, he still stews in a cauldron of unresolved anger. Marcus knows enough to write a book about repressed anger and its effects, but his repressed anger continues to be a mysterious source of misery.
If life were a theory, Marcus' analytical skills could certainly unite to untie his own knots. But life isn't a theory, and principles aren't the same thing as practices. Until Marcus the man, not Marcus the professor, begins to personally apply what he knows in theory, his knowledge will do his students a lot more good than it will him. Knowing isn't doing, and it's doing that makes the difference.

I realize that healthy living has more to do with behavior than theory."

I know quite a few people like Marcus:):)...

I have a good friend who always complains about his stomach woes who should think a little bit about why Marcus has stomach issues of his own, if my friend wants some insight into why his stomach problems always persist...Marcus' problems as my friend's are almost identical, really...unresolved anger, I think, is my friend's middle name:):)...

I have a few advisors and professors, in particular -- one, especially, in particular -- who really fit the description for Marcus:):)...

My best professors were always the folks who understood their field and life, better, in practice...not just in theory...Jeannie Tramill was my favorite professor in grad school, for just this reason:):)...

And whether in theory or in practice...unresolved anger and fear and hate are the most serious impediments to human progress...sometimes in more serious ways...genocide being a classic example of unresolved anger and fear and hate...and sometimes in still serious but less serious ways...our repressed desires for revenge and exacting pain on others to satisfy a desire to hurt others that is never and can never be satisfied...

It's one of my proudest feelings in life, I think...that I'm both a pretty great theorist and a pretty great practicing teacher, as well, I think...and a pretty great guy who's stomach bothers him, some, when he thinks about it:):)...but a lot less than most, I'm sure...my anger and pain and the rest gets resolved fairly regularly...and it makes for a much more satisfying and authentic life, I think...meaning...more than most...what you see is, generally, what you get, with me...not something that I can so of most people, necessarily...though most people are still pretty good folks...which folks' might understand, better, if they knew more of much less decent and good folks in the world...

When I think about it...it's that constantly upset stomach...that I'm surprised my friend is constantly bullshitting himself about most...like it doesn't mean anything...and like it has nothing to do with how much he holds onto all the bad shit in life...just never nearly enough interested in doing the hard work to release himself from it and all the pain it causes him...

I can't think of a sadder life, really...

So much to share...I love being a teacher...I'm a pretty outstanding one, if I can say so myself:)...

The Eisenhower Eagles ladies' 7th and 8th grade basketball clobbered the Central Middle School ladies' 7th and 8th grade teams, 21-2 and 29-1, respectively:):)...

I better get home:):)...I'm getting hungry:):)...and I've got some cleaning to do:):)...

Love,
Ben

Before we were cynical...or why thought and idealism and freedom matter...

I judged my first debate tournament, yesterday, in almost 10 years:):)...

It was a great experience:)...the kids ranged from brilliant to average...but all, generally, much smarter cookies than you're average bear...

My friend, Dave Stevens, invited me out there...and I'm so glad he did...Dave and I used to compete in high school in Wichita and randomly met each other again at the David Rees presentation at the Spencer Art Museum here in town...it was great to catch up with David...we knew each other in high school...but more from a distance, from my perspective...and it was great catching up with a smart, decent guy like David and recalling old debate and forensics memories...and old D.C memories, too, as it turns out, since David and I were in D.C. at around the same time back in the late nineties...Dave worked for President Clinton and the Office of Science and Technology (I think that's right)...and I lived out there for a summer in 1998 with Brandi and worked in three temporary jobs...two non-profit...environmental construction and B'nai Brith, the longest standing Jewish organization in the U.S. with Brandi...and a for-profit...a private publishing firm, where I got to see just how much even wealthier private-sector folks often hated their jobs and their lives, too much, unfortunately...not that it has to be that way, I don't think...but, for whatever reasons, it was for these guys...

Dave and I and another successful debater in high school judged a quarter-final round that was much better than the semi-final or final rounds that I watched...two really brilliant teams...with three judges that gave them total leeway to have as smart and as strong a round as possible...and they totally delivered...it was a really tough decision...I ended up splitting -- meaning I was the lone judge on a 2-1 decision -- but it was a tough decision, all-around, I think we would all agree...and the truth was that of the teams I saw that tournament (and I saw far from all of them) the two teams in that quarterfinal round were the two best teams at the tournament...

The girl from the girl-guy team from Olathe Northwest that ended up advancing over my vote to the semi-final round was really visibly disappointed after losing that semi's round to a team that I must admit, after watching them in finals, did not seem as strong as them (though I didn't watch the semi's round, so I can't say, for sure)...

And it just reminded me of all of the million times in my high school days, in debate and forensics, in college, and especially in my adult life when something else beats out smart, which is this kind of bullshit fact of life that so many smart kids have to deal with even though they know it's bullshit...while everyone else blithely moves along acting like it doesn't matter when it clearly does because it makes them feel too bad about themselves to admit it to themselves and everyone else...the irony being that truly smart people are some of the most humble and decent people I know...and that the arrogance of less intelligent and mature people who just want what they want, whether they've earned it or not, just overwhelms the potential for a more honest and decent world...

I felt so bad for this girl...I totally identify...and most people who don't think of themselves as smart just don't understand it as well, I don't think...how insulting it is to have people who have clearly not worked as hard or thought as hard or whatever pretending that their ignorance is somehow equal to this girl's intelligence...it just makes you kind of puke, sometimes...and I totally felt for this girl and totally remember what that feeling has felt like a million times in my own life...

I've got a million friends who act like this...and it just makes me want to puke just about every time I listen to them spew their way-too-confident random bullshit that is so totally disconnected from something intelligent that you wonder why they might think that it is or would be thought of as meaningful at all by anyone else...a million prejudices...and hateful feelings...and fears...and all kinds of stupidity...that so many folks just pretend that they are prettier or smarter thoughts than they really are...it's pretty disgusting...

"Why do people oppose immigration or believe in English First, much of the time?" David and I asked together on the way to Taco Johns...

Generally...because they don't like dem foreigners...and they don't like the competition from anyone...but especially from them Mexicans...

It's all pretty fucked up, really...and it happens all the time in a million places...

We do seem to move forward, on balance...but there is a lot of slipping backwards and half-hearted forward efforts and all kinds of bullshit that people throw in our way along that path that generally has to do with rationalizing what mean, nasty, hateful, small-minded, ignorant, scared little bitches they are...

And it's just kind of this sad tragedy of life that decent people have to put up with and often be punished by this kind of bullshit nastiness, much of the time...decent people have been putting up with this bullshit since the dawn of humanity...and they'll be dealing with it for as long as I live, I would bet, as well (though I would certainly like to see the world be better than that by the time I finish my time on this little planet)...

And this young debater was just getting a very early sad taste of this fact of life for people who care more about doing the right thing -- in this case, debating intelligently -- than doing what will win rounds or get the rewards -- namely, focussing on polish over intelligence...though, as I told her after the round, I do think there are ways to do both of these things...but I can't honestly tell her that I can predict with any kind of reliability how judges are going to vote...and even good and great judges make mistakes...so I just hope she can take heart that focussing on the right things is good even when you're not being rewarded for it...

It was great, though, spending a tournament with such smart, dedicated, responsible kids as these debaters...a healthy antidote to seeing so many of their less bright, less dedicated, less responsible adult counter-parts in the real world...who often blithely blow off such values and responsibilities, so wrapped are so many of them in their own egos...

The best adults and young people at least acknowledge more honestly, when they've blown off these values...and humble themselves in their presence...and the worst adults and young people blow them off altogether, so much more important are their egos to doing good or than younger people doing better than they have done...a thought that helps me understand my relationship with my advisor in graduate school much better, when I think about it...teachers, I'm learning, to my great dismay, blow off important educational values as much as adults and young people in non-school settings...and as with other adults, the bigger problem is not that they blow these values off...it's that they keep doing it without humbling themselves in the presence of stronger values...

And it was nice, after spending so much time in the last 3 or 4 or 5 years with so many adults who so arrogantly blow off education and intelligence and thinking like it doesn't mean anything...

To spend some time with some kids and coaches and fellow judges who take it seriously...and who appreciate it...and really enjoy it and explore with it and share the recognition of its terribly important role in our lives...more independent of ego...

I've had to swim in the bullshit for the last three or four years far more than my stomach has been able to handle...and it's nice to be spending more time, these days, in a workplace that takes these values more seriously...and with folks at places like debate tournaments, where the bullshit is more minimal...and meaningful and thoughtful engagement on important issues are valued and encouraged and participated in more...

These kinds of people are the ones, more than anyone else, who lead all of us down more reasonable and thoughtful paths...to make smarter and better decisions, as a consequence...

And the last 5 years or so, at least, have been one long rationalization for why we all -- and especially the majority of us who do not identify as particularly intelligent -- why we take such people for granted so much...and why we make such stupid decisions, as a consequence...

And it was nice to spend the day and the evening before...

With people who take thinking seriously...

And are good at it...

And who don't give a shit if other people can't appreciate what effort and conviction and idealism and thoughtfulness and imagination and playfulness and creativity...go into being that smart...and making such powerful and strong arguments...to help them and me and all of us...understand the world better than we would without them...

Hanging out with these high school debaters did reinforce something really important for me, though, I have to say...

Human nature = bad?...no...

Human nature = freedom...

If you doubt that...spend about half an hour with teenagers...while you're not trying to boss them around...

Thanks to coach Jeff Plinksy and the rest of the Lawrence Speech and Debate team for letting me judge...and for hosting such a great opportunity for young people...and thanks to the really pretty impressive debaters at that tournament for letting us all marvel at your really incredible skills...these kids are going to kick my ass and the rest of their adult counterparts' asses, very soon, at some point...and thank God that they will...we need them to...no matter how many lay judges they encounter:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Happy Thanksgiving...

I had a really great Thanksgiving...

Ate and visited with with family...met up with some friends in Wichita and talked for hours:):):)......hung out with family...all my family in Wichita...my dad and step-mom, my sister, her boyfriend, and her two daughters...met up with my Grandma Miller (my holidays are all primarily spent with my dad's mom...the grandma who has totally been there for us much of our lives, my Grandma Sutherland)...played with the kids...had a great talk with my sister and her very nice, very decent boyfriend...the first nice guy that Liz has brought home, I think (I've always gotten along with my sisters' boyfriends...but Drew is authentically a nice guy...which is a refreshing and healthy change of pace for her, I think:):)...

Discussed and debated politics...which becomes more interesting the clearer it becomes how much some of my family, and lots of folks, of course, spend too much of their lives in the propaganda circles and swimming in the political bullshit:):):)...

The weekend totally grounded me...

Humble folks, for the most part...living humble lives, for the most part...and a healthy andidote to the impossible bullshit that often passes for decency that I and everyone has to deal far too much with in our lives...

My friend, Christy, introduced me to her really great husband and daughter...and we had a great time catching up...and talking...and playing video games:):)...

And watching videos of Christy and I and our friends in high school...

And the whole time I'm watching the videos, I'm thinking...we were all pretty good kids...it was really great watching us growing up...and being kids...I've never seen video of myself at this age...an age with I was very much exploring life in broader ways than I ever had before...and I was a pretty sweet kid, I think:):)...it gave me some perspective on my life...and how good a guy I've been...not always...but it gave me some perspective on what I good guy I've been most of my life...and some reason to be proud...my acting skills could have used some improvement, for sure:):)...but I was a pretty good kid:):):)...

It's nice being with people who know you and love you...it's grounding:):)...and it is nice, I have to say, to remember, that life doesn't have to be on fast-forward all the time...that life is fine and getting better...the more we work at it...but that it doesn't have to be a race to some kind of finish...no matter how much people push us or one another, as they still struggle to learn to be more decent people...

And to get some really great feedback about how much thoughtfulness really matters...and how much taking it seriously serves me...and serves all of us...

And...how it's still nice, sometimes...to just let go, for a while...and just relax and enjoy life:):)...

Some really great conversations...about movies...about education...about high school...about religion...about science...about politics...and about life...

And a really grounding Thanksgiving, overall...and a reminder about how important it is having mature people in your life who love you...as well as being loved by and loving the younger and less mature folks in your life, as well:):)...

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why I have the most bad-ass life in the fuckin' world:):):)...

I was just thinking today...as I was teaching today...and after school...

That I have the best goddamned life in the fuckin' world, I think:):)...

There's this really hot teacher at school who I think has something of a crush on me:):):)...it's so funny:):)...she's got that sly, slutty look when I first meet her:):)...and now I think she's got something of crush...she's actually the teacher I'm most attracted to, at this point, I think...she's smart...and she's real...meaning she's herself...she's not all fake smiley teacher-like...nor is she's not all bitchy...a little...but she's getting a lot better...she's just kind of smart and real...and she's getting nicer the more time I spend with in her classroom:):)...

There is no life like being a teacher...and an intellectual...I respect a lot of other options...I respect the idea of being a police detective...or being in the military...or politics...or an economist or or investment banker...or theater or movies...or a million different options...and definitely of doing non-profit work...which is still a possibility in my future, given my policy interests:):)...

But there is no life I can imagine quite as meaningful...

As teaching...and scholarship...and doing good for the world...

No better life...period...no exceptions...

Leaving school early...and going through all the shit I've gone through...and working all the joe jobs I worked out of school...

Were all really good for me, I think...

There have been too many hassles involved with leaving early than I could ever count, really:):):)...

But so many advantages, too...

I have so much more perspective on financial fears, risks and opportunities, now, than most people I know, by far...

I am so goddamn appreciative of the market...and all the opportunities it offers me and everyone, really...

I have a lot more perspective on so many of the bitches and moans that people have, generally, in their workplaces...including and especially in schools...

And most important for this job...after spending so much time with so many adults who act so poorly...especially young adults:):)...

It is a real joy to work with even the most poorly behaving kids...who, generally, are far better behaved than so many of their adult counterparts...including some of my very good and very immature friends here in Lawrence:):):)...I can't say that my kids are better behaved than Brandi...she's pretty well behaved...though I'm realizing, upon reflection, that she has some maturity issues to work through, too, I think:):):)...

It's so sad when even the special ed kids are better behaved than your friends...but it's true:):):)...

Do you realize...that at the age of 32...I have more original ideas...I have more work in front of me...I have more to offer the world...than most people have in their entire lives?...

I am a serious bad-ass:):):)...

I have been seriously challenged by at least 5 kids, now, my first three days of school...and I am invariably winning their respect...

Why?...

Because I am a serious bad-ass, that's why...

And because I don't have conflict with them except when it's absolutely necessary...and when I do...they know I mean business...

And for all of my many, many doubters and heel-biters:):):)...

Eat my fuckin' dust:):):)...

I'm headed to Wichita:):)...have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

I miss my friend...

You ever have fuck-ups in your life that stand out as the most serious ones?...

I do...

I've fucked up a lot in my life...

I've been a shitty son...and a shitty brother...and a shitty student...and a shitty teacher...and a shitty team member...and a shitty millions of things in my life...

But the one I really regret...

Was being a shitty friend...boyfriend...and then friend again...to both the very best friend I have had in my life, Brandi...and her husband, Greg...who've I've not even met...and I was shitty to him, I'm afraid...

I'm working on my on-line banking confirmation of information notice in my email...

And I decide to play Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend...

And I just realized that the one most important fuck-up that I've had in my life...was how shitty I treated Brandi...and Greg...

I was demanding...and pushy...and domineering...and too quick to conflict...

And just, generally, kind of dick...

And it is the most serious mistake, generally, that I have ever made in my life...

Most of the places in my life where I have been shitty have been around being too demanding and pushy and domineering and quick to conflict, I think...

And now that I am at a place in my life where I've gotten pretty good at being a pretty decent guy...

It just becomes so much clearer to me just how hard I was on Brandi...

I found out my grandma had a potentially terminal illness...and I need someone to talk with...because it's devastating me...and I ask Brandi, when she is in Wichita, next, to go talk with my grandma...since Brandi is the friend I have that my grandma seemed to hit it off with the best...I don't get a response...and I go off in an email telling Brandi to get just get her ass over to my grandma's house when she's in Wichita and to stop making everything about me and her and her new marriage...

I'm such a dick, sometimes...

I've been a dick so many times with Brandi I can hardly count them all...at one level...it makes sense...we did talk most days or spend almost every day together for about 5 years...and I still consider her one of the closest friends I've ever had in my life, even if we talk rarely, if at all, these days...

But at another level...

It doesn't matter...

When we're dicks...we're still dicks...and we're still responsible for being dicks...

Most people don't take responsibility for being dicks very well, I don't think...really...it's much of the thesis of my work...

So...I have a policy of no excuses...within reason...there are limits to all of our abilities...no matter how much we might want to transcend them...

I have many things I wish I could have done better in my life...

I wish I could have found a better way for Tom and I to work together during my grad program...where I could finish the program...and not always have Tom on my back about one thing or another, completely oblivious, apparently, that I might be in grad school for my own purposes as well as for the purposes that he might have for me...there's a big part of me that would like to have been more patient with Tom's impatience and pushiness and general lack of appreciation that I was in grad school for reasons bigger than his own dreams and ambitions, even, and that he needed to be humble in the face of that...and not constantly be on my ass...

I wish I could have somehow been a better teacher/role-model/whatever for my friends here in Lawrence that I'm so frustrated with, right now...to somehow get underneath whatever bullshit and cynicism and general denial of how their bullshit affects me, them, and all of our relationships...and how they're ignoring it and covering under layers of drug use did not make it go away...and was seriously hurting our relationship...no matter how much they wanted to wish it away...

I wish I could have been a better brother to my sisters and brother...and a better son to my father...and my mom...while she was with me...and even after...I wish I wouldn't have been such a dick so much of the time...I wish that I could have somehow matured without having to make so many serious mistakes as a child and a young man...

Of course...I and noone can have any of these or similar such wishes about the past come true...it just ain't possible...something that too many people have such a hard time coming to terms with, I think...

But the fuck up I wish I could take back...more than any other that I've made in my life...because it involved someone closer to me than I've ever been close with someone similarly again, since...

Is fucking up my friendship with Brandi...and being shitty to her husband, Greg...who I've never met...and who I'm sure is a good guy, given Brandi's judgment...which...while not as good as mine:):):) (I love giving Brandi shit:):):)...she's very competitive:):):)...so she hates hearing shit like that:):):)LOL:):):)...is pretty good...so I'm sure Greg is good guy:):):)...

I swear to God that I have navigated this and all of my experiences with Brandi (and everyone, really) as well as I possibly could...

But...that just seems to be life, too much of the time...

That our goals in life are perpetually just somewhat beyond our grasp...

And my goal of being a really outstanding friend to Brandi...who really has been a pretty outstanding friend to me -- not as outstanding a friend as I've been to her, of course:):):)...but still pretty outstanding:):):) -- has just been perpetually just outside of my grasp...

Anyway...

This is the fuck up in my life that I regret most...

I miss my friend...

Have a great week, everyone...

Ben

The complicated question of a pullout in Iraq...

Army Girl...

...has a really interesting set of letters that I think folks should check out...

Military folks and family members, some with members they have lost, weighing in as non-partisan as they can on the prospect of a pullout from Iraq...

It's a complicated question, I think...

My first thought...is that Iraqis need to be ready to handle the difficult security issues on their own...and Americans, like it or not, are just better prepared to deal with a whole host of tactical security issues than are Iraqi soldiers...

But the key issue that prompts discussion of an American pullout...is that public opinion in Iraq does seem to support a pullout...and has for quite a while, now, from the polls I've seen (though I totally grant that I may not have seen enough of those polls, at this point)...

The question is...are Iraqis ready to handle their own security issues...and I'm not sure they are...

But...if Americans leave...the big question is...will the insurgency die down...for lack of an American presence...

I, honestly, don't know how to answer that question...I am pessimistic about Iraqis' being able to handle security issues, on their own, as is...I'm quite confident that American military leaders are doing their best to prepare Iraqis to handle those issues on their own...and I'm quite confident that once they and their Iraqi counterparts say that they feel confident in the potential success of a U.S. pullout, that they will say so...

And I haven't heard them say so, yet...

I've heard ordinary Iraqis say that they're ready for a pullout...I've heard Democrats and some Republicans in Congress say that they're ready for a pullout...

But I haven't heard the Iraqi men and women who will be responsible for that security situation...and the Americans and others who are training them say that they are ready, yet...

If Americans leaving will get fewer people killed...then obviously it would be a good idea...

But if Iraqi military, law enforcement, and others responsible for security would be overwhelmed by an insurgency that will only shift its wrath from Americans to the coalition-alligned Iraqi government...then there is serious concern about what will better facilitate a better security situation in Iraq...

The two groups that are not being asked what they think about a pullout...whose thoughts on the situation matter most...

Are Iraqi servicepeople...and American servicepeople...especially their leadership...and others...who can give a better idea of realities on the ground...

I would definitely encourage the American people to show patience with this process until these folks can be consulted...to make security decisions that have life and death consequences for many Iraqis as well as Americans...

Have a great week, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why I love the path I've chosen:):):)...

It is so interesting...listening to Bill Clinton's memoirs...how even a remarkably more thoughtful politician like Bill Clinton...can be too much focussed on political strategy...and not enough on policy ideas...

Bill is a very good man, I think...and a really thoughtful politician...far more thoughtful than most people in politics...

But his memoirs are still too caught up in campaigning and wins and losses...and not enough in ideas and profound wisdom about life, generally...though there is plenty of that, too, in this memoirs:):)...if you get a chance, I definitely recommend them:):)...

And listening to them...reminds me of more idealistic and broad-minded leadership in the country's recent history...and reinforces for me why I'm so glad that I decided to spend my time working on issues like education and poverty, on the ground, and ideas, for the long term...there is just so much more profound good that can be done for people by thinking deeply about the issues we all face...and developing constructive ideas to deal with them more effectively:):)...and how much useful, stupid bullshit stands in for important ideas and directions in too much democratic politics:):):)...

The New York Times writes an interesting article, today, about the most recent Supreme Court ruling on lawsuits by parents of children in special education against school districts...

Special Education's Rule Effects Unclear...

It's a good ruling, I think...there is plenty to improve in public and private education for students in special education or students who might be in special education settings were it not for more successful and effective school and classroom efforts...

But lawsuits will not make things better...period...no way...

The things that need to get done to make things better in schools for kids, generally, and for kids facing the biggest challenges in schools, which kids in special education often are, can only be done with more people from all kinds of backgrounds -- teachers, parents, administrators, students, community members, district personell...everyone -- taking more and more authentic responsibility for their own and for one anothers' success in school...

That is often easier said than done, frankly...but it still must be done...at all schools...that serve all children...

I'm fairly committed to and clear that the best ideas around improving this situation are those who want to offer kids and teachers and administrators and schools more freedom and autonomy -- which better support more responsibility and self-governance, which we want kids, as much as teachers and administrators, to learn -- with reform options like public school choice, charters, vouchers, and a more general and clearer commitment to improving school environments by giving children and others more freedom to learn and grow, which allow people to make more mistakes, more quickly and learn more over time, as a consequence...and, in the course of that...to hold everyone to a higher expecation and allow them to hold themselves to a higher expectation of responsibility than they generally hold themselves to, now...

Melissa and I were just talking, today, about the problem of political propaganda in contemporary democracy...how it distorts and manipulates serious and thoughtful democratic discussions...and what to do about it...

And how, I told her, when I was in grad school, studying radicalism on the right and on the left, reading David Horowitz' journey from radical left to radical right...and seeing how little David had actually learned about his own self-righteous tendencies and the ways that they undermined more thoughtful engagement on important political matters...

I realized that there really wasn't anything you could do...except hold everyone to a higher standard...to expect everyone to think more...to see through the bullshit of campaigns and political discourse that too often dominates because self-righteous political and party activists and polemnicists can't conceive that they may, just possibly, not have all the answers to the various problems the world faces...and my own terribly radical idea that intelligent discussion would be a better way to work through difficult problems in the world...

And the only way to get us there...is to build on the already really great work being done in schools like Eisenhower Middle School where I work in Kansas City, Kansas...to raise the bar for everyone...kids, teachers, administrators, school district personell, law enforcement, advocates, judges, legislators, Presidents and other politicians, business leaders and business employees, artists, writers...you name it...

The only way forward...ever...on a whole host of issues we all face...

Is by raising the bar for everyone...

And that doesn't happen by trying to beat others in submission...or suing them into submission, as the parents in this suit were looking to do...

It is done by leading people to think more deeply, clearly, and profoundly about the very serious issues that we all face...

And...as at my school...and every school...there are some people who are going to do this better than others...guaranteed...

And everyone is still accountable to that highest standard...

The great thing about growing up...is realizing that there is no need to bow down before peoples' selfish expectations...to lower the curve...to make it easier for them...because...you get far enough in education...you realize that this stuff means something...and that the problems that education is meant to address in the world...do not get easier just because the people dealing with them get frustrated doing the work...

For me...or for my students...

The war in Iraq, right now, is a brilliant illustration of this principle, I think:):):)...

Somewhere in the range of 90% of the people I hear talking about the war know dick-squat about what they're talking about...I'm glad they're involved...it's important that they care enough to be involved...though more humility would be a refreshing contribution to that conversation...

And the people who do seem to understand, better, what's going on...are the folks who take thinking about that situation...and its deepest implications...the most seriously...

Same goes for schools...same goes for domestic policy...same goes for business...same goes for military affairs...same goes for criminology and law enforcement...same goes for all kinds of sciences, of course...

Same goes for life...

And there is no politician...no leader...no thinker, even...who will ever change that...

What we can do...is expect everyone to think better...and about the deeper and more profound implications of their choices...and to be as free to do that as possible...

Why we would look to politics...with so many people persistently avoiding responsibility...to demonstrate what it means to be responsible (though, for many people...folks are far more responsible than they, themselves, are)...I will never understand...

The most responsible people in cultures, generally...are the folks who think deepest and most profoundly and innovatively about their most serious problems...and I am honored to be able to do that kind of work...

Today, with Melissa...as I'm feeling more confidently about the implications of my own ideas...specifically least possible necessary aggression...but a lot of other alligned ideas, as well, that promote peoples' freedom to develop a stronger sense of responsibility to tackle their most serious social and other problems...

I'm asking her...

Do you realize the implications of my work, if I'm right...which I feel more confident about the more I work with them?...

Genocide...dictatorships...terrorism...murder...rape...kidnapping...and other violent crimes...political repression...poverty...stronger economies and funding for a whole host of issues...political and financial corruption...drug abuse...gang activity...

There are very few serious social issues that are not, in some way, touched by this work...

It is very exciting, I have to say...

And I'm prouder than pumpkin pie to be able to do this stuff...and to facilitate school and policy development that will both give people more freedom and to contribute more thoughtfully to a process of dealing with these issues, as well:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

A job I can love...

I have definitely found my calling...

Do you how much...after you've dealt with enough of the worst that the world has to offer...

How satisfying it is to work with children?...who...no matter what they're behavior...generally seem like such angels compared to their adult counterparts...

Do you realize how great it is to know that work you do, today...could help a kid create a future for themselves that they may never have imagined for themselves in quite the same way before you met them?...

To inspire kids to believe in themselves...and to help them and challenge them to take responsibility for themselves in ways that give them the skills to match that belief with a tangible reality?...

Do you realize just how satisfying it is to know that you are changing what can too often seem like a pretty fucked up world, much of the time...just by being a decent human being to some kid or some class of kids?...

Do you realize how much idealism pays...in all the ways that really count in the world?...

And how much all the smaller ways I've ever had in my life of looking at the world (of which there have been many) begin to look so foolish and shortsighted, in retrospect?...

I wish Brandi was able to share this with me...we both worked so hard to have this kind of impact on kids' and peoples' lives...I hope she's enjoying her fair share of this feeling in her own more private life, right now...she deserves to...her work was critical in shaping me and helping me to be able to see the world like I do, today, and to make this kind of impact that I see, each day, with these kids...and Greg, too...who also deserves this feeling...given how much he's supported Brandi and has his own convictions, in this regard...even as both of them have put up with my bullshit, in the meantime...

But...for right now...this is something I share with people I love...and with myself...and with whomever I might meet along the way...

There's a girl I'm interested in...I've never met her...I don't even know if she's available, actually...she just impressed me the first and last time I saw her...and I haven't had that feeling in quite some time, really...she's not a teacher...though I love the teachers I work with:)...I'm just not convinced that any of them could top Ms. Fisher...which is about the only way that I'm going to find real love, I'm pretty convinced at this point...

But this girl has a decent shot...she's an actress...and I imagine other things in her daily and professional life...and she's pretty impressive, really...she'll probably turn out to be married:)...the good ones are always snapped up:):)...but it's worth a shot:):)...

And she's seems ambitious...as well as like a really decent human being:)...which is important to me:):)...because I need someone who will challenge me to grow and be a better person and to be better than I imagine for myself, even now...

It's been a long time since I've felt that feeling with a woman...in that way that you know that you're destined to be with one another...even if it's just for the short time that she believes that...

I haven't felt the idealism I feel right now since I was in school, myself...I've missed it something terrible...and I am pleased as punch to get it back, again...

I will spend the rest of my life...with every breath I breathe...with every ounce of energy I have to offer...to do good by this world...to make it a better place to live...whether people understand what or how I do what I do or not...

While I promise with as much honest sincerity that I have to offer that I will be engaging in falsifiability tests of my ideas as rigorously and as aggressively as possible (since, if I'm wrong, more aggression and not less is needed in life:):)...

While I am totally genuine in my desire to make the strongest case against my ideas that I can muster...which is an on-going project...that I am working on with free time I'm able to piece together...

While I promise to do this...

I have to say...that...at least in my daily life...

I'm pretty convinced that I'm onto something really big, right now...it just feels right...intuitively...and falls together, right...intellectually...

In two days...I've just got this inkling...that I'm going to realize this dream...this sometimes seeming impossible dream...to contribute understandings and efforts to the world that could very well significantly improve the way the world relates and treats one another and deals with its most terrible problems and tragedies...at least in the social and political and psychological and economic and educational and criminological and diplomatic and military worlds...I think these ideas are that far-reaching (though notice I've done nothing for cancer or AIDS or to build the longer lasting light-bulb in my lifetime...Captain Miller would be so disappointed:):)...

And I'm so proud I could cry:):)LOL:):)...

I wish so badly I could find another young, mature idealist to share this all with...but I've got to find someone who can top Ms. Fisher...and I just can't find her, yet...

She's out there, somewhere...I know it...it's just finding her...

But...in the meantime...I know that I am satisfied with knowing that I am making a pretty impressive start, I think, as a young teacher...

And I have a lifetime of this to look forward to:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):)...it may get cold and snowy:):)...dress warm:):)...

Love,
Ben

First day of school...

Amazing day:):)...a great faculty:):)...amazingly well-behaved kids:):)...what a far better job these teachers do with these kids than teachers did in my day:):)...as incredible a job as my teachers did:):)...

I can see...my day is coming...kids from this generation are going to kick my lilly white ass:):):)...great kids:):)...

Can I say that I am a remarkably kick-ass teacher, though?:):):)...I still have so much to learn:):)...and so much that I'm learning from these teachers, in particular:):):)...

But I am a teaching motherfucker, is what I am:):):)...I did excellent, today:):):)...and I think that my colleagues recognized that:):)...

I'll write more about it, later:):)...

But...for now:):)...I've got to sleep:):)...so I can wake up at 5:30 to make the commute:):)...

I hope everyone gets to work somewhere as supportive and productive and purposeful and inspired as my job at Eisenhower Middle School:):):)...

And if not...go find that job...noone should spend their days doing anything less than something they love with all their heart:):):)...

You know what the best thing is about this kind of job...about this job...for me?...

That I think I'm finally finding myself able to...genuinely...despite so many disappointments in this regard that I can hardly count them...to make some peace...and...down the line...make some final peace, I hope...with the fact...

That we are all just human beings...with limitations...

And that...not matter how hard we try...though we can get better...

That is all that any of us...no matter what struggles or hardship that we might go through...and no matter what the shares of responsibility on this...

That is all that any of us can be...

And as heartbreaking as that can often be...given how shitty we treat each other, sometimes...

That this is the only fate that we have...no matter how hard we try...no matter how much or how little responsibility that any of us take...though its so much clearer to me, now, that some of us take far, far more responsibility than others:):):)...

That this is the end of the road, in this respect...

And that the only way forward for humanity...is the more we recognize and accept this...sincerely...and commit ourselves to our own learning and growth, accepting those limitations...

And that...paradoxically...the more we accept those limitations...the more we learn and grow:):):)...as individuals:):):)...and as a human family:):):)...

And a heartfelt thank you to every teacher, coach, parent, family member, friend, lover, and otherwise decent person in my life who has ever practiced or even tried to practice that kind of acceptance of my own limitations and humanity in my own lifetime:):):)...I love you all...and I really appreciate your patience and love and wisdom and compassion and appreciation for me and my efforts and limitations:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Tomorrow...I teach...

KCK (Kansas City Kansas) called today:):)...I talked with Eisenhower principal, Dr. Freda Ogburn, today:):)...

I work tomorrow morning:):)...

They have a substitute teacher in there, right now...and I'll learn about what the kids are doing and what her schedule is, right now, until I learn the ropes of the kids' situations, right now:):)...then I'll plan lessons for the Monday after Thanksgiving:):)...and I'll be off:):)...

I'm excited, mostly:):)...I think I want to show the kids Hoop Dreams...just to get a discussion going about dreams and what these kids' dreams are for themselves...

I want them to think about this special ed classroom as a stepping stone toward achieving whatever dreams their hearts desire...and my job being to help them get there...in part, through strengthening their academic skills...but also, in part, by thinking about what they might want to do with their lives...generally, of course...they are in middle school, after all:):)...

And that movie is a great realistic picture of two teens working to achieve their particular dreams -- playing professional basketball -- while dealing with a whole host of realities of the inner city that my kids likely have some experience with or at least know about, generally...and about the relationship between school and those dreams:):)...with a realistic picture of the important role that school plays in even a dream like playing professional basketball:):)...

It's a pretty decent sized pay increase...so I can get my school loans and other debts in order...which has been a major league pain in my ass for the last three years...which I've only had the vaguest hope of getting resolved since I've always made only barely enough money to pay rent and utilities and basic expenses...and certainly no serious luxuries (I haven't led a spartan lifestyle...but I have, generally, only had enough for basic needs)...which is a serious relief to me...I am the guy who voluntarily paid tax on scholarships in school that most people wiggled their way out of in college, I am so committed to paying my fair share...so it's been really awful, I have to tell you, to be treated like I'm in bad faith at every turn that I have not had enough money for debts or bills or necessary expenses...it's the worst part of poverty, really...the callousness of others...far worse than the lack of money, itself...

And now I have a light at the end of that tunnel...finally...after three years of this...

Though there are too many advantages of leaving school and going this route for me to really count...the biggest one being a much better appreciation of how much more decent school folks are than other folks...and what great places they are to work, generally, with all their hassles...

And a far greater sense of perspective on what hassles and problems and issues really should upset me...and which shouldn't...which is a pretty important quality for a special education teacher, in particular -- with all the issues...behaviorally, especially...that we have to deal with -- to have...

And a much better understanding of not only what poverty looks like from a kids' perspective...which is hard enough...but what it looks like from an adults' perspective, as well...which is far tougher, I have to say...

Adults have more freedom to get themselves out of the mess than children, generally...which is helpful...but the experience, itself, was far more difficult as an adult, for me, than it was a kid...and a nice dispelling of the bullshit myth by those who rationalize the sorry state of wealth equity in the world between college poverty and more serious poverty from serious debts that one does not have money to repay...my father lived and has since thrived out of this kind of poverty...and now I know, first-hand, just how difficult it was for him all those years...

I swear to God that if I have one more coversation with someone who tries to pretend like its not a problem, I think I'm gonna be sick to my stomach...

Why we would all rationalize what callous sons-a-bitches we can be rather than face it, I will never know...but this is just one of many places where we need to do that...and where no law will replace or substitute for that very honest, difficult work for people to do...

But I have to say that I'm tougher for this whole experience, in the best ways...meaning...I'm much more sensitive to this situation, for people...I also have an expectation of no excuses for efforts to thrive financially...which much more realism for the process of doing that...in a far from ideal financial and economic system that often does the market such an incredible disservice that noone takes stock of or responsibility for, enough, to realize what unintended consequences our harsher financial policies have on the poor, middle class, and rich, as it inspires all kinds of backlash against the very market that offers the greatest hope for humanity to best support itself, economically...

To function best, our markets need more freedom, not less, to function better...but which gets less freedom the more people backlash against its problems and seek to regulate and tax and control it, too much...rather than support people to make better choices, including choosing to support greater equity within the market, rather than having minimal equity measures imposed on the market and the people who work in it...I have much more I can write about what a more ideal, free and equitable market might look like...voluntary support for equity measures, including better school funding and universal access to the best health care possible...and the development of a much more robust non-profit market as well as creating as much room as possible for a more robust for-profit market...but I'll give everyone a break from that, today:):)...

If you haven't read or listened to Bill Clinton's autobiography, My Life, by the way, I definitely recommend it:):)...Bill and I have plenty of disagreements...he is much more partisn than I am...he's a strong Democrat...I'm neither a Democrat nor a Republican...I admittedly, have spent most of my life in liberal activist and Democratic circles...but the events of the last four years have left me feeling alienated from most liberal and Democratic circles, not really recognizing the values that I believe in being embodied enough in either Democratic or Republican circles...while both parties having values and policy positions that I support...and policy positions that I oppose...

Bill supports gun control, and I don't...he supports, as far as I know, campaign finance regulations, while ignoring them, like most if not all party leaders in both parties, in his leadership capacity with the Democratic party...which I oppose, though supporting all and more of the same purposes supported by its backers...just with the recognition that existing campaign finance regulation has not resolved the fundamental issues around campaign finance issues that can only be resolved, I believe, through a authentic commitment to making ideas the most important element of democratic discussions and elections...and not money...

Bill recently voiced support -- within the last week or so, in a speech I heard him deliver on National Public Radio -- for the kind of government-imposed universal health insurance that his wife, Hillary, worked in behalf of, with advisor Ira Magaziner, when he was President...a move that I both understand...but a purpose which I very strongly believe would is better served by the voluntary efforts by the health care and insurance industries, today, rather than by what I believe would be a very serious mistake to circumvent or to discourage...

Bill also seems much less open to a discussion of all the implications of global warming than I am...though I think his efforts to constructively engage more collaborative efforts on environmental questions, with the help of his very able Interior Secretary, Bruce Babbitt, are some of the finest that the country has ever seen...

Having said all that...I think Bill Clinton was the finest American President of the twentieth century...and his biography is a fascinating look at this incredibly remarkable President and unique opportunity to get to understand a President with this kind of depth...I highly recommend it...

I've got to go...I've got to get a friend to class:)...

Talk with everyone later:):)...

Love,
Ben

Hope amidst the bullshit...

I found this post, this morning...

Trusting people less...

It's amazing how long people will go on with the same problems going unresolved...

Thinking about it...and how little effort so many people put forth in life...

I somehow found hope amidst the bullshit...

I realized that if Metallica can come to terms with how fucked up their relationships are with one another...

Then, perhaps...all of the rest of us can, too...

My friends...the ones who've really lamed out on me, at this point...

They're more like Metallica -- with less musical talent, right now...but they're my friends...so I don't give a shit how much or little talent they have -- than they are like Abraham Maslow...or Amartya Sen...or Joe Nye...or John Quincy Adams...the lawyer who represents the Amistad slaves to the Supreme Court...though they are much more like these guys than they know, as well...

But if Metallica can begin to come to terms with how shitty they treat one another...and how shitty most people treat one another, really...

Then perhaps all of us can...

In Amistad...Anthony Hopkins brilliantly portrays Quincy Adams...who quotes John C. Calhoun, the famous Southern seccessionist...and Adams' vice-president, at one point...in a publication in the Executive Review, put out by the office of the President at the time, Martin Van Buren...

As Anthony Hopkins as Adams says before the Court:

"And this is a publication of the office of the President...and it's called the Executive Review...and I'm sure you all read it...at least I'm sure the President hopes you all read it...this is a recent issue...and there's, uh, an article in here written by a keen mind of the South...who...it's my former Vice President, John Calhoun, perhaps...could it be?...who asserts that:

'There has never existed a civilized society which one segment did not thrived upon the labor of another. As far back as one chooses to look - to ancient times, to Biblical times - history bears this out. In Eden, where only two were created. Even there, one was pronounced subordinate to the other. Slavery has always been with us, and is neither sinful, nor immoral. Rather, as war and antogonism are the natural states of man, so too slavery. As natural as it is inevitable."

Now, gentlemen, I must say I differ with the keen minds of the South. And with our President, who apparently shares their views. Offering that the natural state of mankind is instead -- and I know this is a controversial idea -- is freedom. Is freedom.

And the proof is the length to which a man, woman, or child will go to regain it once taken. He will break loose his chains. He will decimate his enemies. He will try and try and try, against all odds, against all prejudices, to get home.'

"Give us us free," Cinque shouts in an earlier courtroom..."Give us us free"...

I don't know what more I could do to demonstrate that freedom offers us the space to be more productive, decent, thoughtful, responsible, wise, and good...

But I plan on doing it for the rest of my life...

My friends are welcome to go on pretending...

But I won't...

Because I love them...and me...too much to keep pretending that they're doing better than they really are...

I've not cut them out...I don't think I'm even capable of that, anymore...

But they do owe me an apology...

No work again today...our bosses said it was too cold...so I've got stuff to get finished up for my teaching job...

Have a good day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

Realizing that I write...like I live...for myself, primarily...

I think a lot about my place in the world...

Why do I always end up eating so much shit...when I'm so much more genuinely committed to the welfare of others than most people...

Nice guys finish last and all that...

And tonight...watching Some Kind of Monster...and getting some peace with the fact that I want my writing...and my teaching...and my relationships...and my life...as much as possible...to reflect me...the real me...as comfortable as I perpetually feel being and sharing myself...as I really am...

I guess I just realized that...I don't write or teach or do anything for anyone else, primarily, really...

Because if I did...I would expect a lot more money and a more decent and comfortable life than the one I have...if that were the case...

Mowing other peoples' lawns...especially rich peoples' lawns...

I've spent a lot of time asking myself, "Why don't you pursue that stuff like everyone else?"...why do you forgo all that bullshit so you can go and clean up other peoples' messes and prepare the most difficult kids for life?...why do I do this...when I get so little respect for it...and so little money, compared to other professions...and so little decent treatment from anyone who wants to make me feel bad for trying to be so good...because, I assume, they feel so bad for being such shitheads...or maybe it's because they just lack much real perspective on how self-absorbed they really are...

So why do I do it, I'm perpetually asking myself...

And the basic reason that I always come back to is...

Because I want to...

Because I want to be the best person I can be...

Because I care...for whatever stupid, fucked-up reasons...

Even about people...who don't care about me...nearly as much as I care about them...which is most people...probably everyone I know...for whatever stupid, fucked-up reasons...

For whatever reasons...I care about them...I don't always know why...I just do...it's just who I am...I'm not dysfunctional about it, I don't think...if people start to treat me like too much shit...I mosey along my way...and let them figure out their own bullshit on their own...without my help...which is a lot harder than figuring out with my help...though, usually...I'm gone before they figure that out...

So hopefully I leave them with enough wisdom to figure it out, better, on their own...

But I just want to be a genuine person...I don't know why I don't chase the money...or the girls...or the thrills...or the vacations...or the power...or the prestige...or the whatever...more...I just don't...

Because I think there's something to being a decent person...and having some sense of self-respect...and honesty...and being real...and responsible...and being myself...and I just don't know how to live any other way, frankly...because every other way feels fake and fucked up and cowardly...and I just can't do it...

But the truth is...I don't know why I care about being a decent person...in a world where so few people care about it as much as I do...I just do...

I guess...mostly...because I think it matters...whether anyone else does or not...

And I guess...partly...because I figure...surely there's got to be a girl that I can spend my life with...who I can respect as much as I respect myself...and who respects herself that much as well...

And because I have this vague hope...that others will find that kind of courage and the ideas it produces useful...because they've expended all of the other options that don't work as well...

And that some folks will find it as useful...as I first found folks like Abraham Maslow...and Amartya Sen...and Joe Nye...and lots of authors like these ones...who help explain the world, better...that perpetually needs explaining...

I don't know why the world rewards the less meaningful things in life, so much...I imagine because most people have just never figured out the path to a more meaningful or purposeful life...and they reward, more, people who think like them...and like my friends...many of them just don't give much of a shit to...

And I guess the reason why I do...is both because I've had more purpose in my life, up till now...and I know how much better it feels than so many meaningless thrills and bullshit...even as the thrills and bullshit can be kind of fun, too, at times:):):)...

And because for whatever vague reasons...I just think it's better to try to be the best person you can possibly be...even with all the equivocation and bullshit from others...which there is much of...than half-hearting it...as most people do, I think...

Why should people be good in a world which rewards people for being good so little...and so much for being so shitty?...

A society that is more self-actualized, Abraham Maslow argued...like a person...is one that rewards, better, doing good...and its one of the easiest signs of how upside-down a society is compared to one of higher values...

It's a really great question...

Why would people want to be good?...

When it pays off so well...in so many ways...money just being one of the bigger ways...

To be bad...or to be not so great...

I don't really have an answer for that...except some vague notion...some vague faith...that living a life where you try to be the best person you can be...is a better life to live...

I have my mom...and my dad...

My mom...who was/is a good person...but who kind of stagnated...and who I am much less close with, today, and have less respect for than my dad...

And my dad...who made lots of mistakes, when I was a kid...but who took responsibility for them...and kept growing...and who I like better...and respect better...as a consequence...and who was also, probably not coincidentally, much more successful, as well, long term...

And also...because...from a young age...my single most important goal in life...

Was to make life a better place...for everyone...me, included...

And because I so appreciate everyone along the way...who made my life better, similarly...

I guess a lot of people think of that as naive...or sentimental...or weak...or of me as a sucker...or whatever...

And sometimes I agree with them...when I look at what other pathes I passed up...to take the tough one I've taken...

Except...

When I think about meeting a girl like me...

And thinking how much I would respect the living shit out of someone who took my road...and would be thoroughly impressed with a girl who took improving life that seriously...I'd respect a guy like that, too, of course...but I'm looking to love and marry a girl...and have some kids and a family...so meeting a guy I respected like that just wouldn't fit into that particular plan, as well...as much as I would respect the shit out of him, too...

And when I think about how many of the happiest times in my life...have been living life with that kind of purpose...and sharing it with someone else, at least...if not more than one someone elses...

But living it on my own is fine, too, I guess...

I just wish it wasn't so goddamn hard, sometimes...

Or that all this effort -- which is far and above what most people give to life -- would be rewarded better...

But instead...all I get, lately...is a lot of people's bullshit...with very little appreciation for my efforts, at all...not that I'm whining...I just get a little overwhelmed with it, sometimes...

I don't believe in God...or an afterlife...not as an entity...or as a place...so I don't think that there's some kind of heavenly reward waiting for me, at some point...

It's just that...for whatever reasons...I've internalized these values...the values of decency...and compassion...and love...and forgiveness...and intelligence...and honesty...and integrity...and loyalty...and independence...and courage...and strength...and hope...and appreciation for life as it is...not just for what I want it to be...and doing everything in my power to be good...and be the best person I can be...

At some level...I think it's in our best interests...in the long run...even as it has led to some pretty shitty circumstances for me, at times, as I've traded off comfort...so many times...for doing and being my best...

But I have to admit that my faith has been challenged in the last three years...since leaving school...in the last four years...since losing Brandi...than it's ever been challenged before, in my life...

I don't know...

I just do...

I've just always tried to be my best...and I've just never stopped doing that...and I do it more the older and, I hope, wiser I get...

But maybe it's not so wise...

Maybe I'm just bullshitting myself...

Maybe people like me are just bullshitting themselves...

And what I should have done...is started a metal band...and been the best goddamned rock vocalist and guitarist I could be...and if possible...that could be...and fucked a lot of groupies...and made them do all kinds of fucked up stuff for me...did a lot of drugs...and got drunk and high as much as possible...and played a lot of music...in front of millions of cheering fans...and made a shitload of money...to have whatever my heart's desire...and maybe springboard an acting career...and maybe a political career, out of that...

And just generally hopped onto as many gravy trains as I could get my greedy little hands on...

Maybe that would have been...would be...a better path...

Something tells me it wouldn't have been...wouldn't be...

But maybe it would have been...

Maybe the reason why it pays better to be an asshole...or why it pays so little to be noble...

Is because what the human race needs more of...is assholes...not nice guys...

It does seem like that much of the time...

And definitely many of my friends think that is the better path...

And that I'm naive and a sucker for thinking otherwise...

And my life does not, at all, seem like some testament to the fact that being the best person you can be pays off, at this point...maybe it won't ever be...

Abraham Maslow taught, perhaps all his life...I haven't read his biographies close enough, at this point, to know...but he taught most of his life, at least...at Brooklyn College...some small, dinky college in New York...

He wasn't rich, as far as I know...his niece, in one account I've read, did sue over the use of some of his ideas and/or writings, in the name of his estate...I agree with the guy who wrote about it that this was very much out of keeping with the spirit Abraham Maslow's work...and a crazy and sad irony for the legacy of a man so dedicated to dealing with people with more decency, kindness, love, and generosity...

He was just this decent guy...who wrote...for the benefit of people who might learn something from his work...which is some of the finest work in psychology in the twentieth century...and in the history of psychology...and humanity...as far as I'm concerned...

Why?...why do it?...

I'm sure that's what many of my friends ask...not really of themselves...since many of the friends I'm thinking of haven't choose this path, really...and not really of me...since we've never had that conversation...

But just generally...

Why would so many people choose to be such suckers?...they gotta ask themselves...

Why would so many people...choose to do work...where they know they won't be rewarded for it, very well...where lots of people shit of them...both every day...and just generally...in how much they bitch and complain...about how everything they do perpetually falls short of some demanded ideal...where they are so little appreciated...concretely, at least...appreciated abstractly...but less, day to day...

Where the rewards for the work just seem so non-existent...in so many ways...compared to a million other options...all over the place...

Why do so many people...sign up to be...teachers...professors...scientists and researchers...military service-people...police officers...politicians (though there is some money in this line of work, apparently, that goes with all that power)...diplomats...missionaries...civil service professionals...non-profit professionals...

Public servants...of one stripe or another...

Why do people choose to do this work?...

When the rewards are so low?...and the treatment is so poor?...

Why do they do it?...

And the only answer I can give on some days...is...

A sense of purpose...

A sense of hope, maybe...

A sense that you are doing good in the world...

Sounds pretty circular, doesn't it?...

I guess...either you buy it...or you don't...

Either you buy that it's a good thing to do good in the world...

Or you don't...

And it's very dissappointing, I have to say...to find out how many people choose the latter...or choose something in between the two...

I guess we all kind of exist somewhere between these two choices...

Believing that it matters to do good in this world...

And not believing it...

I try to spend as much as my time with the first sentiment as possible...but I spend enough time in that second feeling, as well...

And I don't always know why...

I guess just on faith...

Why, I don't know, much of the time...

I wish I could be more definitive than that...

But that's how I really feel much of the time...

Even as someone who dedicates almost all of his life...to doing good...and making the world better...

Integrity involves a lot of voluntary sacrafice, much of the time...and I don't always know why...

I just do it...on faith...and because the things I care about...seem to work out better...when I do...

Some days I wish I could just wish away all the problems in the world...as so many people do...or try to do...

But...usually...I just keep working constructively...on building a better world...with hopes that maybe it will be better in my own lifetime...and maybe it will be better in my children's lifetime...and maybe that will matter to someone...one day...

It would be nice to think that this would be today...or tomorrow...or every day...

But then that feeling...always gets interrupted...by sorry realities that I have no control over...an aggressive bill collection effort...a utility bill I can't pay...an overbearing or controlling or passive-aggressive or petty boss or co-worker...the knowledge that someone I know has it better than me...no matter how much more work I've put into taking on the real challenges of this life...

It weighs on me...often...and not always with easy answers...unfortunately...

And mine will either be the memoir of some pathetic idealogue...who could never quite figure out he was wrong...or of a person of some thought and wisdom, I hope...who, like almost everyone, really...lives a life with too much inequity, much of the time...even as it also holds much joy and love and compassion and decency and wisdom...as well as some fun and good times, as well...in a world that is, hopefully, always striving for more equity...to always be better...even if it strives ever so slowly, sometimes...and very little, if at all, at other times...

It is painful to think of life, this way, sometimes...

And it is life...for me, anyway...and I would suspect for everyone, at some level...

And when it is painful...like now...I just sit with the pain...and wait for it to pass...or try smoking it away with a cigarette...which doesn't really work any more, these days...

And hope that it makes me stronger and better for it...

And that is life...I think...

But perhaps I should consider my other options, more, as well:):):)...

I should get to bed:):)...

Hope everyone is doing well:)...

Love,
Ben

Some kind of monster...

If you haven't checked out Metallica's rockumentary Some Kind of Monster...I highly recommend it...

It's a great opportunity to watch a band reflect on itself...on it's problems...as a band trying to record an album...and as friends for twenty years being honest with one another in ways that they've never been honest with each other before...

If you're not familiar with the movie and the band...Some Kind of Monster chronicles Metallica's recording of its most recent album...with the help of a therapist hired by their production company...to facilitate a process that had hit a serious breakdown after bassist, Jason Newstead, left the band...

As lead singer, James Hetfield put it...

"We worked on ourselves...identified what part can we work on...so when someone else steps in...it's clean...they're not stepping in our shit"...

It's pretty impressive, actually...to see a rock band...a metal band, at that...so maturely deal with a serious problem that the band had had for quite awhile...namely...keeping a bassist...after the death of their earliest bass player, Cliff Burton...and then a whole shitload of issues that band members had between one another -- especially between Hetfield and drummer and the other strongest personality in the band, Lars Ulrich...

The funniest part of the movie is learning what a puss guitarist, Kirk Hammett, was a lot of the time...though I definitely give the whole band, Kirk included, much more respect after seeing this documentary than the already powerful respect I've had for Metallica after seeing them live in concert at Lollapalooza in 1996...

And it is interesting to see that when people who don't seem to have a lot of complexity to their thoughts and feelings...share their inner-most thoughts and feeelings...there's not all kinds of complexity that I thought I might find underneath...that a lot of their problems are pretty simple...they just haven't figured them out yet:):)...

It was crazy and funny watching their therapist be a total puss about the band's decision to cut him loose when they were ready to move on...if I were Metallica's therapist, I would totally thank the shit out of them for letting me hang with them and maybe ask them for some decent concert tickets...and let that be that:):)...

And listening to James Hetfield tell an audience full of prisoners that we are all born good...and that without music he might either be in that prison or dead...was really powerful...

If you're interested in watching some of the world's biggest rock stars growing up and learning how to treat each other better...and making great music out of that...definitely check out this movie:):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

I was made to do this work:):):)...

After doing my paperwork, last night, for the Eisenhower position...I went downstairs in the same building to Kansas City Kansas's public library:):)...

An amazing collection of movies, books, CD's, etc...

Being in Kansas City had totally brought back all kinds of memories of Kansas City when I would visit Brandi while she was working downtown at the United Way of Wyandotte Country...and similar memories of living in Washington, D.C...mine and Brandi's two big city experiences...two young kids from Wichita, Kansas:):):)...a good sized city...but not a Kansas City:):)...or a Washington, D.C.:):)...

And working at Eisenhower has me totally inspired about working in the inner city:):):)...I forget that it is some of my favorite work in the world:):):)...and I'm honored to be able to do it:):)...

So I picked up some of this really pretty incredible collection of DVD's and movies and CD's:):)...

I picked up two movies about the inner city...Hoop Dreams...the story of William Gates and Arthur Agee...two Chicago grammar school and high school basketball stand-outs...and their journey through life in the inner city and the ranks of competitive basketball in the big city of Chicago...and their growth and learning and maturity through those experiences:)...

And Let the church say amen...a Filmmovement independent documentary about the work of Pastor Bobby Perkins, Dr. JoAnn Perkins (and education doctorate from George Washington University) and their family and church to provide a place of hope and deliverance for the inner city poor of Washington, D.C.:):):)...

Two brilliant documentaries about efforts that take place all over the country to provide hope in communities often far too lost in hopelessness:):):)...

And inspiring as all hell:):):)...

In the summer of 1998, this was the work and the mission of two kids from Wichita, Kansas:):):)...

Brandi and I were totally dedicated to efforts like Brandi's National Days of Dialogue, dedicated to race dialogue...and Americans Discuss Social Security...a dialogue effort directed at including and engaging average citizens on the complexities that surround issues of retirement and social security:):)...

We saw the Reverend Eugene Waters...who did very similar, broader work in Boston, Mass...with Cornell West, the radical philosopher and race thinker who, at the time, was a professor at Princeton:):)...and two folks totally committed to the growth and development of America's inner cities:):):)...

It was a brilliant and eye-opening time for two kids from a relatively quiet, moderate-sized city...exploring the big city...and all the virtues and vices it had to offer:):):)...mostly virtues, though:):)...with two pretty inspired kids looking the change the world:):):)...

And being in Kansas City...and thinking about the really great opportunity to work in a school like Eisenhower...a school with 70% of their kids receiving free or reduced lunches...in a fairly debilitated part of town:):)...

Had me remembering this very inspired time in my life...almost as inspired as today:):)...but not quite:):)...

But I have to admit the prospects of working at Eisenhower have me pretty incredibly inspired, these days:):)...

I'm thinking about showing these movies in my classes...Hoop Dreams, especially...since it's about two teens making it out of the hopelessness that often pervades the inner city:):)...

This is the work I was made for:):):)...

I love all the work I do:):)...the international policy work...the work in economics...the work in psychology:):)...

But this work...education...and, in particular, this inner city education work...

Is the work I was made for:):):)...

I am filled with the spirit of Reverend Eugene Waters, building a Boston that everyone can be proud of:):):)...I am filled with the spirit of my man, Fred, my co-worker who introduced me to the Ninth Street Baptist Church:):)...where I got to get back:):)...I am filled with the spirit of the Hoop Dreams of Steve James, Frederick Marx, Peter Gilbert, Gordon Quinn, William Gates, and Arthur Agee:):):)...

I love this work:):):)...and there is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing that you are doing real, substantial good in the world:):):)...

I got a TB test, a provisional certification, some bills, and other stuff to look into today...it's raining in Lawrence...so, no work for the lawnmowers:):):)...

Hope your day is going great:):):)...

God bless:):)...

Love,
Ben