I wasn't going to share this...but I'll share it, anyway...

I've noticed since I've worked at Amarr...I'm not sharing as much, as honestly...a defense, I think...in an environment not always hospitable to be totally authentic in...

But tonight...I was reminded what it was like to be around people who accepted me more completely...just as me...

I ushered, tonight, for the EMU Theater/Running Joke production of the rock musical, Johnny Butts...my very good friend, Andy Stowers, wrote Johnny...with his friend and drummer for the show, Nick Wells...

It was really good...I told Andy and everyone that I think that this show could be picked up by other theater groups...and major playwriting publishers, if he would be interesting in submitting it...

But the nicest thing, tonight...honestly...

Was hanging out with a bunch of friends that I didn't have to defend myself to...

It was so nice, I can't tell you...

After too many nights defending myself and who I am to my friends at Amarr...

It was nice to be with people who really appreciate/d me just for who I am...and the things that so many folks at Amarr just don't understand...are the same things that I and my friends at EMU really love about me...and that I really love about me...when I'm around folks who remind me that they aren't anything to defend...and are great without the approval or acceptance of folks who likely don't really approve or accept anyone...for too many of the guys I work with...probably not even themselves, too often...sadly...

And I realized...while I was sitting in the audience just enjoying this really great musical that my friend had just written and produced...

That I really need to get a teaching job...

And get out of this rut at Amarr...

I haven't really thought of it as a rut...

I've thought of it as working with friends that I really cared about...

But it's becoming all too clear to me that with too many of the guys...this feeling is not reciprocated...

And that I need to stop being such a fool...

And to move onto a healthier work environment...

Where I can be appreciated, more, for what I have to contribution...

And not always torn down...

For no reason, in particular, really...

But just because too many of the guys at Amarr don't know how to do much better...than to tear me down...and I'm sure themselves...

So sad...

And I need to stop being a part of this pitiful spectacle...

And move onto somewhere where my contributions will be appreciated and respected...

Because that is definitely not happening most nights, now, at Amarr...

No matter how much I'm a glutton for punishment...and appreciate many folks who do not appreciate me, comparably, at all...

Tonight I realized what a sad, unhealthy situation that I was in...and had lost track of just how bad it had gotten...until I spent like about 10 minutes with my friend, Joel...explaining the situation...and getting his reality check...that this was really kind of fucked up situation to work in...

How many people work in environments where they get bossed around by most everyone they work with?...

When was the last time that you got threatened to fight at work...nevertheless 5 or 6 times, since you've worked there?...

And what environment do people work in where such bullying is not only common...but almost encouraged, really, so much is changing it resisted...by virtually everyone...with notable exceptions...

...particularly my friend, Kenny, who has actually been a really great guy to work for/with:)...and who'll be a really great lead on second shift:):)...

Tomorrow I do more work on teacher applications...

Because I got to get out of this situation...

And into a situation more like EMU...

Where I can be me...

And not have to defend it all the time...

Because so many folks feel so bad about being them...

One more thing...

The title of this post actually referred to something else that I wasn't going to share but I'll share, anyway...

At risk of sounding like a total puss of an ex-boyfriend...

Is it possible that you can love someone completely...think it's reciprocated...and find out...only after you don't even have an active friendship with that person anymore...

That they didn't ever have those same feelings for you...

That it was far more unilateral a complete and unconditional love than what was felt for me?...

Is that really possible?...

Because my life sure feels like the Twilight Zone, right now...

Maybe it is...though I haven't wanted to believe that...even four years -- almost to the day, actually...Brandi and I broke up around August 5th...a little more than a month before 9/11 -- after we've broken up...

But having someone not even talk with you will make you see things that you either didn't see...or didn't want to see...or at least consider them...

Is it possible that my life has turned to February?...how totally and senselessly tragic...

I better get some sleep...I have applications to fill out:)...

Have a great night/day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

What the fuck?...

I had this brilliant little post on why I embrace and yet qualify thinking of myself as a liberal, these days...much as I embrace but qualify my identification as white trash, these days...

And then I lost much of it...I'm working on recreating it...

In the meantime...

NCAA Bans Native American Mascots in Postseason...

What the fuck?...

I hope the Florida State President fights this and wins this in court...

This is insulting to Florida State and all such teams in the extreme...

That certain Native American groups think that they can/do speak for all Native Americans...and that a school that has worked with Florida Seminole tribes around this issue...

For all of that to be nullified...and for them to be tarred as racists because they use a term that racist Native Americans don't like is...well...

RACIST...

And it's bullshit...

Interestingly, enough...

A professor that I worked with on race issues when I conducted race dialogues on campus as a part of my grad school experience, Cornell Pewewardy, presented the historical analysis that led the committee to make its decision...

Response of The Honor the Chief Society webpage at the University of Illinois to the NCAA ruling on team mascots...

I worked with Cornell in race dialogues...and I have to admit that I was struck, too, that Cornell's perspectives on race were biased against whites and in favor of the idea that the relationship between whites and Natives was consistently one of oppression...which is not the case...

The Honor the Chief Society, by the way, is the University of Illinois' effort to preempt such criticisms and to put their own Chief Illiniwek mascot in historical perspective...

The Honor the Chief Society at the University of Illinois...

As the Honor the Chief Society points out...it's not just Chief Illiniwek who is a part of Illinois heritage...it is the name of their state, Illinois, itself, which is named after the loose confederation of Native tribes in the region -- the Cahokia, Tamaroa, Kaskaskia, Michigamea, and Peoria -- through 1818, when Illinois became the nation's 21st state IN HONOR of the Native tribes that inhabited this region...

Why would a group of people name their state after a group that they are supposed to disdain?...they wouldn't...Whites and Americans did much to treat Natives badly over the course of the 17th, 18th, and 19th Centuries...but they did much to honor and treat them well, as well...and naming their state and their team mascots after their tribes was one of those ways of honoring those same tribes...

If these folks were mocking Natives...that would be one thing...

But they're not...

They're celebrating them...

And they have the right to celebrate the Seminole Indians if they want...

All forces of political correctness to the contrary...

The NCAA is WAY OUT OF LINE to demand anything different...

As Dennis Dodd writes brilliantly on the CBS College Sports website...

NCAA takes a stand that isn't much of one...

Teams like Illinois and Kansas, where Dr. Pewewardy works, are in big trouble if we start banning all Native references in team names...because both of their states', universities', and teams' names are based on names of Native tribes...

And what about roughneck Texans who might be offended by the Texas A&M Aggies?...or people of Irish descent who might be offended by the Notre Dame Fighting Irish?...or Cajuns who might be offended by the Ragin' Cajuns of Louisiana Layfayette?...

And then the NCAA decides it's going to step up penalties for schools with student-athletes with low grades...

I have a modest proposal...

How about death for all students who don't get above a C...

That sounds about right to me...

All those lazy, stupid athletes will surely be motivated by the threat of death to get better grades, don't you think?...

Have we all just gone COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE...

Grades aren't designed, as they are currently given, for everyone to get A's...I want athletes to do better work...but this is about the most back-asswards, foolish, dumbass way to get there that I have ever seen...

And do you know what is so COMPLETELY IRONIC about this proposal?...

What IN THE FUCK would members of some NCAA grades commmittee know about getting good grades?...

You think these morons get on the rules committee by making good grades?...

Fat chance...

Because the folks who make the best grades and do the best work go on to be people like professors and teachers and those who make the most outstanding contributions to their field...

And...more importantly...

The people who do THE BEST in school DON'T necessarily get the best grades...

Many of them...like Joseph Campbell...the greatest cultural theorist of the twentieth century...or Roald Dahl...the eminent writer of works like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach...drop out of school...

Still others...like Albert Einstein...get told that their work is "irrelevant and insignificant"...the same work that went on the revolutionize the world of physics...

I made pretty good grades in both undergrad and grad school...and I imagine I am far smarter than many of those folks on the NCAA grades committee in matters that count...

And I know for damned sure that this is about the most goddamned foolish way that I've ever heard of supporting students to make better grades...

The sad part is that many student athletes do try to make better grades...and are often very discouraged that their efforts are not recognized...because they are often just not as smart as other students...at least they are not at the same intellectual level, in that moment...and so they are behind the curve of smarter students and trying to catch up...having everyone expect that they both catch up AND win national championships, never satisfied with athletes, when they don't do either...or, in the case of many of the stronger teams on the NCAA list, when they only do one of the two...

Do people really expect that all athletes can both get the best grades and all win national championships?...a few, like Bill Bradley, do (not in college, where his Princeton Tigers were 3rd at the NCAA tournament in 1965, his senior year, rather than champions...but he did win two championships in the NBA with the New York Knicks...a rarity for a person who is a Rhodes' scholar to be sure)...

...and yet everyone and their momma incessantly moan and bitch when ALL college atheletes don't do what Bill Bradley was only able to do twice in his college and professional entire career, but never in college...fans and others constantly bitch and moan and bitch and moan when they athletes don't do either...win championships...or get the best grades and do the best intellectual work...and when they don't comply with every other arbitrary bitch and moan that they have about college athletics...

Like what kind of mascot they have...

This is power run amok...all of it...

Love,
Ben

Maybe dancing?:):):)...

I don't know what I need to cheer up this weekend:):):)...

Had a run-in with a lead last night who just a month ago was avoiding work and distracting me from mine when we were staging together and who I had to remind to get back to work...

And now this guy is my "boss"...or one of them:)...

It's amazing how high mediocrity can rise in the world...

I have to say that it was kind of satisfying to tell a boss who was being an asshole that he was being an asshole to his face, last night:):):)...

He totally deserved it...

He's a new lead...he's understandably behind the other leads in productivity for his team, right now, because he's learning quite a bit all at once, right now...but it was clearly getting to him last night...especially as one of our trainers jokingly made reference to the need to kick his ass in gear (I just love how for some people the answer to every problem is seeing how far you can piss and how hard you can beat your chest...its very evolved of us, I must say)...

So...anyway...he fucked up and forgot a door on a tier...I very nicely pointed it out and asked if he wanted to complete the order...

And this asshole starting yelling at me about why I hadn't already gotten the door...his mistake...he's too chicken-shit to take responsibility for it...and he yells at me for it...

I get the door...

But not until I have an opportunity to tell him that he's being an asshole...which he is...

And I get in trouble...

Ah...the pleasures of working on a shipping dock...sometimes it's so goddamn jarhead, I can hardly stand it...

And I've been understandably upset about the situation ever since...

But not before I realized just how cool it was that I had just called an "boss" who was being an asshole that he was an asshole to his face:):):)...

It was kind of spontaneous...and the context is that this guy has been a co-worker for most of the time that I've worked with him...and not the most proactive co-worker, shall we say, of those I've worked with (he's kind of lazy, too much of the time:):):):)...

And he went on some hopefully temporary power trip last night...

And now I have to figure out how I learn to just let him abuse me next time, so that I don't get in trouble with the bigger boss...

Ahhhh...I just can't do it...

People will just have to stop being assholes with me...this is just garage doors...this job isn't worth it...

Yet one more incentive to find a better teaching job -- where my intelligence will be taken just a little bit more seriously...though I'm sure this will be a problem for me no matter where I work, from now on...no good deed goes unpunished, in this respect, I'm quickly learning:):):) -- ASAP:):):)...

Now there's incentive to get these applications done this weekend:):):):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

James Carville is an asshole...and this whole situation is bullshit...

CNN Suspends Robert Novak After 'Inexcusable' Outburst...

You know what I think about Robert Novak saying that the line delivered by James Carville on CNN's Inside Edition, yesterday...

"He's got to show these right wingers that he's got a backbone, you know. It's why the Wall Street Journal editorial page is watching you. Show 'em that you're tough."

It was bullshit...

And it was right on for Robert Novak to say so...

James Carville is a slinking, slithering, nasty, hateful, vengeful polluting force in American politics...

And Robert Novak called him on that, yesterday...

And James TOTALLY DESERVED IT...

And good for Robert...

And you know what I'm most disappointed about in the whole deal...

That Robert apologized...for something he had nothing to apologize for...

This game of political recrimination that liberals and Democrats have been playing with the President, the Administration, Karl Rove, and now Robert Novak...is...as Robert so famously put it, now...

BULLSHIT...

And good for Robert to say so...

I finally finished all three stories that Time Magazine did in its cover story of the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame drama...including a disclosure by Time reporter, Matt Cooper, about his interview with Karl Rove and his grand jury testimony...

I've gone into this whole thing with a presumption of innocence for Karl Rove...and have grown increasingly concerned, after discussing this issue with several liberals, that this was becoming a smear campaign to get back at Karl Rove and the Administration for what they are really upset about...

Maneuvering a 2000 election win, declaring a war in Iraq that they disagreed with, and winning a second time in 2004...all of which were perfectly legal...

The first was a travesty of democracy, I think...though legal and reasonable...and far in the past...the second was a serious political miscalculation on the President's part, with noble intentions to free the people of Iraq, I think...and the third was a perfectly reasonable way for an American electorate to decide who leads them politically, even as I voted for the other guy...

And those Time Magazine articles and everything I've seen on this drama, thusfar...

Say nothing new...

And the trend which has increasingly concerned me...

Is the tone of liberal articles that seem to be less concerned, now, with the truth of these claims...

Than with getting Karl Rove...and the President...and now James Carville encouraging others, in yesterday's remarks, to get Robert Novak...

And the whole thing is EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICAN POLITICS...

It is the Clinton impeachment trial re-lived all over again...

It is ugly...it is partisan...

And a Robert Novak angrily opined yesterday on Inside Edition...

It is bullshit...

And good for Robert Novak for calling James Carville on his bullshit...

James has long been a corrosive force in American politics...

And thought Robert Novak is a cynical son-of-a-bitch, much of the time...he's an honest and independent reporter...a conservative journalist who was critical of the war in Iraq very early on...and who wrote his story out of that same even-handed skepticism that characterizes much of his journalism...and this most recent effort to smear a conservative over this whole drama is...

Bullshit...

James Carville should be ashamed of himself...

And liberals should too...

If they're various particular realities, which cannot possibly be understood by anyone else but themselves, allow them to feel bad about any of their behavior...

If they might be able to acknowledge that maybe it is wrong to do some things...like trying to smear conservatives you don't like because you don't like them...because you disagree with them...because one helped a President you don't like win an election...and because another is just a conservative, even if he is an independent and critically-minded one...

And if they can even possibly acknowledge that they aren't even close to living up to the decent, compassionate, and innocence-presuming ideals that characterize so much about what is great about being liberal...as someone who has been a life-long liberal...

Liberals, it seems, can put themselves in anyone else's shoes...

Except conservatives...

And this particular episode in the drama that is the on-going cycles of political recrimination in Washington, D.C., and in the most overbearing halls of power...

Is bullshit...

And good for Robert Novak to call someone on it...especially James Carville...who has deserved to have his particular brand of political discourse bullshit for quite some time, now...

I used to be charmed by James Carville...after he had just finished helping Harold Wofford succeed in upsetting Dick Thornburgh in the 1991 special election for his Pennsylvania Senate seat...and helped President Bill Clinton (the Governor of Arkansas who I voted against in the 1992 election, my first election that I could legally vote in...one of the biggest mistakes of my voting career:):):)...win election to the American Presidency...

James has/had a Louisiana backyard barbeque charm about him, that I appreciated and still appreciate...he had a way of taking complex political issues and making them very simple for average folks...average folks willing to read his arguments, that is:):):)...

Too simple, I think...

So simple...that the world becomes a battle between the good guys and the bad guys...

He's one of the good guys...

And Robert Novak is one of the bad guys...

And anytime that someone splits up the world into those who are "with us or against us"...

It's a sure sign that they've stopped thinking enough...

And it's bullshit...

No matter who it comes from...

No apologies, necessary, Robert...

You're right on the money, on this one, I think, thusfar, Robert...

It's bullshit...

Love,
Ben

Still not convinced?...

Al Queda's No. 2 Threatens London, U.S...

...that the war in Iraq made us more vulnerable to terrorist attack?...

Read on...

Love,
Ben:):):):)...

My listening pleasure:

Dropkick Murphies...The Last Letter Home...
Toby Keith...American Soldier...
Dixie Chicks...Traveling Soldier...
...and then American Soldier for the third time, for good measure:):):)...

I think I understand better now:):):)...

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown/the 1999 Broadway revival/Anthony Rapp and gang...Happiness...Rascal Flats...These Days...Diamond Rio...Beautiful Mess......Livingston Taylor...If I Only Had a Brain...Darryl Worley...I Miss My Friend...Hootie and the Blowfish...Hold My Hand, their cover of Tom Waits' Closing Time, Time, their cover of Bill Withers' Lean on Me, and Let Her Cry...Van Morrison...Moondance...Tracy Chapman...The Promise...Harry Connick, Jr...If I Only Had a Brain...You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown/Kristen Chenowith/Ilana Levine/Kimberly Grigsby/B.D. Wong/Anthony Rapp/...My New Philosophy...Schroeder...Little Known Facts...My Blanket and Me...Sinead O'Connor...You Do Something to Me...Ray Charles...I've Got a Woman...Bye-Bye Love...Hit the Road, Jack...Georgia on My Mind...9/11 dedication with Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA and Ray Charles' America the Beautiful...Shake Your Tailfeathers...Old Man River...Five Blind Boys of Alabama...Old Time Religion...I'll Fly Away...Marching up to Zion...There Will Be a Light...None of Us are Free...Down By the Riverside...When a Man Loves a Woman...Randy Newman...You Are So Beautiful...with Lyle Lovett...You've Got a Friend in Me...Rednecks...Political Science...Dixie Chicks...Top of the World...Toby Keith...American Soldier...

...ok...

I think that should hold me at least until the end of this post:):):)...


Kenny's comments in my last post have finally helped me unlock the real mystery that I've been struggling with, recently...

Why so much distance in my relationships, lately...

And I think Kenny's helped me figure it out:):):)...



I have a hard time understanding lack of hope...

I've always been really abundant with hope...

As I explained to Kenny in the comments in the last post (on my Tripod blog...Singin' dem education blues...comments......about a situation that I think may be resolved at this point)...

I've been struggling a lot, lately...with why people treat me so bad around my intelligence...and education...and about being decent, generally...especially when all of my commitments in the world are that others can be similarly intelligent and decent...and that I have a lot to learn, on both counts, from others...

But I think Kenny has finally helped me figure out what I've been missing on this thing...

As I explained to Kenny...

I've lived my whole life on dreams...

My dad was younger than me -- between 30 and 32 -- when he went a million dollars bankrupt in a bad business deal...

He was just a little older than me -- 35 -- when he and my mom divorced...and when he found himself a single dad of 5 children, 3 then 4 then 5 of which lived with him...

While he's a million dollars bankrupt, mind you (perhaps the reason why my sense of perspective is so much different than many others)...

So much of my life was lived in dreams...

Because the realities were that we were broke...

For much of the time -- the great majority of the time -- that I was growing up...

And in the end:):):)...he made good:):):)...he's a millionaire, today:)...and he definitely earned those stripes he has:):)...


So...anyway...I've always just been really abundant with hope...I haven't known any other way, really...

So...I don't know what it's like to be REALLY cynical about the world...

The closest I got was in grad school...

I went through kind of a cynical period in grad school...when politics in the country was getting particularly cynical...and when I was beginning to give up hope, a little, on many of the solutions to the country's problems...

In retrospect...what I was cynical about was not our ability to solve problems...

But the ability for politicians to solve them...

Not that politicians couldn't or don't play an important role...

But that politicians, quite inadvertantly, I think...often make problems worse with legislated solutions...that need engagement by the civil society more than they need legislation...


So...anyway...I went through something of a cynical period in grad school...


But then Brandi and I broke up...


And...like when I was a kid...it was either shit or get off the pot...

I could either give into the cynicism...cynicism that likely had helped tear apart that relationship...

Or I could get about figuring out how to make that relationship work (which was my central priority in life for much of the time after our break-up)...and take care of the thing that mattered most to me in my entire life...

Or I could give up...and, as a consequence...give up on me...

So I decided to start trying to figure it out...

And I spent years studying every psychology and relationship book, article, song...ANYTHING...I could get my hands on...

To win Brandi back...

And out of all of that...

I started developing ideas that were profoundly changing the way that I thought about politics...

Because...all of a sudden...I started to understand politics at a level underneath it all that I had never considered before...

I started to understand politics from the deepest areas inside of people...places I'd never understood as well before...nevertheless seen...or experienced...

And...out of that...I started developing principles that I now call Least Possible Necessary Aggression...which try to begin to account for how policy and politics and psychology impact one another...at the deepest levels...

So...anyway...

What was the point of this story?...

Oh...grad school...hope...

So...anyway...

Brandi leaves me...

And I decide...that either I'm going to work my ass off...to open my heart for her or for whomever...or I'm never going to feel that kind of love with a woman like that ever again...

So I start working my ass off...

Emotional work is a hell of lot of work, Kenny:)...and I do it pretty regularly, at this point:):):)...

So...

I go to THREE therapists, at one point...including a family therapist...with my family...all of my brothers and sisters and my dad and my step-mom...after a Disney World vacation one Christmas where I was a total ASSHOLE to my brothers and sisters because of how much my break-up was breaking my fucking heart...and helped ruin a family vacation that we had all been waiting YEARS -- DECADES, Kenny -- to go on together...we'd been planning a Disney World trip since I was like 14 or 15 years old, Kenny:)...

And I'm reading EVERY FUCKING PSYCHOLOGY BOOK and every policy book, of course, because it was my field...and because I love politics, obviously:):):)...and I must have listened to every sappy, sad country music song about love and break-ups that's ever been written...in the last 5 years or so, at least:):):)...

And I just start to see things about policy and psychology...that I'd never seen before...

And that...I think...at this point...very few people have really ever seen, I think...

Abraham Maslow began to see it before he died...his book, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature, gets at it better than probably any book I've ever read...

Amartya Sen gets it some, I think...his book, Development as Freedom, captures it some, I think...I've not read his most recent book, The Argumentative Indian...so I'll have to read that and see what he has to say on the subject:):):)...

Joseph Nye gets it some...his work on soft power in international policy, in books like The Paradox of American Power and Soft Power, get it some, I think...

I don't think any of these guys get it completely...

But they get it better than most, I think...

So...anyway...

The point is...

There was this time in my life...when I felt more cynical...at least more cynical for me...like I said...I'm a pretty abundantly hopeful person...I've had to be...so I don't get terribly cynical, much of the time:):):)...

And this was a time when I had to shit or get off the pot...

And I decided to...well...do what I had to do:):):)LOL:):):)...

So I got to work...

But the point of this whole LONG GODDAMNED STORY...

Is to explain why I don't get cynicism very well...

But you just helped me get underneath it...and understand it better...

It's giving up, I think...and the consequences that come with giving up...

And like I said in those comments...

The reason I can't give up on others...is because...when we give up on others...a little bit of us gives up on ourselves, too...

And I think all the pettiness that people have engaged in with me...is their defenses around the pain that is involved with dealing with that disappointment...that led them to give up in the first place...

And I guess I'm just realistic enough to know that the pain of dissappointment...is FAR OUTWEIGHED...by the pain of giving up...BY FAR...because the latter is exponential...it's compound interest...it accumulates on the heart over the years...and it just sits there...accumulating dust...and more pain...with every compromise that is made in its name...

So anyway...

That kind of gets at my central commitments in education...

That everyone can learn...always...

That everyone can aspire as high as they would like...

Meaning...

Not only as big as Abraham Maslow...and Amartya Sen (and Jeffrey Sachs, another contender in economics, I think)...and Joseph Nye (and Benjamin Barber...another contender, I think, in international policy fields)...who are three of the most amazingly intelligent people in their fields, by my lights...ever...Abraham Maslow, remember, has been dead for nearly 40 years...

But they can be bigger...

They can be better...

And that we can all be bigger and better than these guys...

All of us...

My central commitment as a teacher, Kenny...is to my students and kids and friends and whomever as people, first, and students, second...

And that they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AND MY LEGACY, Kenny...that they bat me out of the fucking ballpark...that they win and win big and never stop...and, as Winston Churchill said in that now famous speech in America...and probably the greatest college commencement speech in the history of college commencement speeches...legend goes that this was the entire extent of that speech...

"Never, never, never, never, never, never quit."

(I've also read that it was a 10 word speech..."Never give in. Never give in. Never, ever, give in." But that just doesn't sound like Winston Churchill to me...at least I hope he gave the speech the way I wrote it first...because it's a better speech that way...and Winston Churchill could definitely deliver a speech:):):)...

As Vince Lombardi said...

"Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit."

(This is a really great site for similar such quotations:):):)...

As well as Robert Kennedy's bit of wisdom...

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."

...that I found on this little speech team webpage:):):)...

Eastview Speech Team...thanks, Brie:):):)...


Anyway:):):)...

The point is that my central goal as a teacher...outside of caring about my kids and students and friends and everyone else as people, first...and students, second...

Is that they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY...that they PUMMEL IT INTO THE FUCKIN' GROUND...that they TRANSCEND EVERYTHING THAT I'VE EVER DONE AND EVER WILL DO...

That they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING THAT I DO OR WILL EVER DO...

That's my goal, Kenny:):):)...

I have no interest in being Abraham Maslow...

And having everyone fawn over how brilliant they think I am...and then dying with noone even trying to take over or maintain or expand or elaborate on or imagine in ways that I've never imagined...my own legacy...

I want people to KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY...I want them to BEAT ME...and BEAT ME BAD...

And that's when I know I'll be successful as a teacher, Kenny...

A teacher who's students are trying and failing in beating them at their own business, much of the time is FAILING by my lights...and I don't like failing, Kenny, if you can't tell...I like succeeding...I like winning...and the way that I think that teachers win...that they succeed...that they keep from failing...

Is that they teach students so that they are better prepared to KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEIR LEGACY...

That's my commitment in life, Kenny:):):):):):)...

To prepare everyone to do that:):):):):):):)...

And for me to do the same:):):):):):)...

And for all of us to just keep playing the game of life:):):)...

As FUCKING HARD AS WE CAN FOR AS FUCKING LONG AND -- too often -- SHORT...AS WE ALL HAVE IT:):):):):):)...

So...Kenny...the issue for me...

Is that I don't understand quitting...

It's just not in me...

I think Winston Churchill is one BALLSY MOTHERFUCKER for giving that speech...

And I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT, Kenny...I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF IT:):):):):):):)...

And that's the kind of guy I am:):):)...

And so when people start giving up on me...

I don't get it...

Because my expectation is not to beat people all the time...

My expectation is to have them KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME (not literally, obviously:):):)...though I've gotten pretty close to that one, too, haven't I, Kenny:):):)...man...we have stories, now, don't we:):):)...AND MY LEGACY:):):)...and at anything we do together:):):):):):)...

When my neighbors, Jesse and Melissa, and Melissa -- my ex-girlfriend and roommate --and I play Trivial Pursuit (the 90's edition...which is an AWESOME edition of that game, by the way:):):)...

I've won the last couple of times:):):)...ok...I've won every time we've finished a game up until this point (though Melissa was winning a game that we quit early:):):)...so I've got competition:):):)...

And I can be pretty openly competitive...

But that's because, Kenny...I try to make clear to people...

That the competition is totally friendly with me:):):)...

And that my expectation...in everything:):):)...is that my friends and family and everyone I deal with:):):)...

KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of me at whatever we are doing:):):):):):)...

It's the only way that it remains fun for me, anyway:):):)...otherwise...it's just an ego thing:):):)...and who the fuck really needs that:):):)...

The much bigger ego rush, I think:):):):):)...

Is when people you care about:):):)...especially people who were never really convinced of their own abilities:):):):):)...

Begin to KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of you and your efforts:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And that's my commitment, Kenny:):):):):):)...

And that's why I keep working with those guys:):):)...to prepare them to start trying or to start succeeding...

In KICKING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AND MY LEGACY:):):):):):)...

Which is exactly what my goal is when I start teaching:):):):):):)...

When I was in college, Kenny...when I was competing in forensics at Wichita State University...we went from 84th in the country, my freshman year...to 7th in the country, by my senior year...

And my biggest disappointment, Kenny...from that period...

Is that Wichita State University has never achieved that kind of success, nationally, ever again, in intercollegiate forensics...my best friend, Bond Benton:):):) (who was the third overall speaker in the nation my senior year and his senior year, the year after that:):):)...went on to lead WSU to 9th in the country, the year after I finished competing:):):)...and then nothing, Kenny...we've never succeeded the same since:):):)...

And I have no intentions on letting that happen ever again, Kenny:):):):):):)...if I can help it:):):)...


So...what I've been missing, Kenny...

Is that I just haven't understood that people were giving up on me...on themselves...always wondering when that son-of-a-bitch was going to stop...when he was going to give up...when he was going to quit...

But the truth is, Kenny...

I don't quit...

It's not in me...

I take breaks...

But I never quit (ok:):):)...I do quit trivia games when I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion:):):)...but Melissa will have her revenge, I'm quite sure:):):)...

But on the big stuff, Kenny:):):)...

I never quit:):):)...

Never...never...never...never...never...never...

I never quit:):):)...

I don't know how...

It's just not in me:):):)...

On anyone:):):):):)...

Ever...

Ever...

Osama Bin Laden may have to be killed if he threatens deadly force against someone capturing him...

But I still presume if I'm the guy charged with capturing him...that I can get him without killing him...

Being realistic, of course, that he is VERY LIKELY TO TRY TO DO SO...and STILL to try to capture him without killing him...

Because that's what America is all about...

And I believe in America...

And that's what I'm about...

And I for goddamned sure believe in me:):):)...

Thanks, Kenny:):):):):):)...I think I understand better now:):):)...

And maybe you understand how I got to where I am a little better too, now:):):):):):)...

I'll talk with you tonight, bud:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Here I was saying that I never give up...

...and then I have a night like last night...

I need to learn how to be a wallflower, I think...I am just like this everpresent lightning rod for everthing that is going great and that is controversial and conflict at work...

I had a friend act like an asshole, I thought, last night...which is a trend that's gotten much worse since I've known him...which is much of why it was/has been pissing me off so bad...this is the same friend whom I thought things were resolved with in the earlier post on my work...

I told him if he was going to be an asshole...then he could put the heavy-ass steel commercial doors that we were loading by himself...

Another friend thought that I had overreacted and took up for my first friend...the second friend is not the most calm, thoughtful, constructive person in the world, let's just say...

And when things had finally died down and the first friend and I seemed to be doing better...

The second came around...talking shit...when I'm already pretty pissed about the first situation...and trying to just chill out...

So second friend and I hash it out...but not so friendly...and second friend is always trying to figure how many steps in a conflict with me before he gets to crack my skull...or at least he talks a lot of smack on the issue...

And...in the meantime...I get to look like the asshole to stand up to what I thought was bullying and bullshit on both of their parts, at different points in the night...

I wonder how much self-respect goes for these days on the market?...

Because noone seems to value mine, at all in my life, except for me...so I'm not sure if I really need it or not...

And a lot of people would definitely feel better about me if I'd learn to just roll over and take it up the ass without making so much fuss about it...

I'm caught in this really fucked up catch 22...and I think I'm the only one who cares at all about what bullshit that is...

And not enough people seem to take enough notice that our productivity -- our tier count, as we call it -- was way down, last night, relative to previous nights...and totally absorbed by a bunch of utterly useless fighting...

And the crazy part is...

I don't think anyone really gives a shit how it impacts productivity or not...

I think most folks are just interested in being right...right or wrong, really...and about reinforcing every assumption and initial judgment that they've ever had...

And to just believe that the fact that I'm such a nice guys is because I'm a pussy...and that I would be better suited to sewing or some such career...

And no matter how many times I stand up to these sons of bitches...I'm always both the asshole and the pussy...

Because it is just so goddamn impossible for them to even CONSIDER that they might just be wrong about what will improve our productivity...

And because their pissing streams are bigger than their brains...fuckin' morons...

Why do I even bother, I wonder?...

I don't know...

Love,
Ben

Every generation thinks they have it figured out...

USA Today...Newspaper criticized for firing columnist...

Jim DeFede of the Miami Herald is the latest of newspaper journalists quickly punished for behavior that the newspaper considered questionable...

Palmeiro suspended 10 days for steroid policy violation...

And Rafael Palmeiro, the fourth man in baseball history, along with Hank Aaron, Willie Mays and Eddie Murray, to get 3000 hits and 500 homers in a career, and 9th on the list of all-time home-run hitters in Major League baseball, at 569...

...and one of the most outspoken opponents of steroid use...

...is suspended 10 days after being tested for steroids...

It never fails to amaze me just how arrogant every generation is that it has finally figured out just the right balance of decency and harm they should provide for people in the name of doing good...

But rest assured...

Though this generation will be found wanting by my generation for its overreach...

My generation will get this balance right...

And though the children of those of my generation will find our efforts wanting...

Their children will finally figure it out...

And though their children will find their efforts wanting...

Their children will figure it out...

And so the cycle of arrogance and punishment and cover-up and denial continues...

Until interrupted...

By a genuine concern for doing good by people...and not trying to get people...and trying to cover our own asses...and being satisfied just looking like we are dealing with problems...rather than really dealing with problems...more concerned are too many of us...including the Miami Herald, Congress, and Major League Baseball in each of these situations...with the perception that we are doing good...rather than the reality...

With courage rather than cowardice...

Which both of these punishments are really about...

Love,
Ben

Singin' dem education blues...

Long night at work...

I was upset going into work, tonight...

I've grown really tired of having people take pot-shots at me and my education and my circumstances...and all kinds of bullshit...

I want so badly to live and work in environments where education and intelligence are taken seriously...

I talked over the situation with my lead, Fred, this morning, on the way taking him home...

Fred gave me good perspective...

Most of the guys at work are actually really appreciative of me and my education...

There are a couple that have really spoiled things for me, in some ways that have led me to feel kind of depressed about it for the last couple of days...

I think I'm just finally accepting that this is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life...

And it's depressing as all hell...

I'm hoping that if I deal with this stuff, right now...that I'll have it behind me and it won't really hit me as hard later on...

But it's been kind of hell the last 12 hours or so, dealing with it all...

And dreading having to work with one of my crew who is also a good friend who has been really nasty about this at some really vulnerable moments that I've shared with him...and my decision to just stop sharing myself so much with him, because he can never quite find it in his heart to be a friend...so obsessed is he, I think, trying to rationalize why the world is always supposed to work out...and how my haphazard journey through it just confirms for him what a loser I am...and how orderly the world really is, if I wouldn't keep upsetting the apple cart so much...

He's 21...he knows nothing about the world...so I cut him a lot of slack...he's still kind of a prick, much of the time...but I still cut him slack...I mean what else am I going to do, realistically...

But it's hurt in the meantime...

This is probably good practice for dealing with other young people...who can be equally as hurtful and worse, I'm sure...

But it's just kind of hard to deal with at the moment...and for the last 12 hours or so...

I do think that my lead, Fred, is right...that there has been some jealousy going on in some of these situations, recently...definitely crossed my mind more than once...but it still hurts...

And the thing that's really sucked has knowing that this is something that I deal with with almost everyone, at some level...though Fred has been an exception...he's just an exceptionally decent guy...not common at all, I'm afraid...

It's hard to get my head wrapped around...

I'm just not like that, really...

I really appreciate peoples' abilities...even if they far exceed my own...

When Brandi and I went to work for Bill Bradley's campaign up in Iowa...he had a poster that talked about his academic and athletic exploits (Bill was both a Rhodes Scholar...and he set NCAA Tournament records for points scored -- against my alma mater, Wichita State University, no less, in 1965...and he's won two NBA championship with the New York Knicks in 1970 and 1973...

Bill Bradley NBA History...

In Iowa...

Bill had posters that said something to the effect..."The guy you hated in high school":):):)...

But the thing is...

I didn't ever hate people like Bill Bradley in high school or anwhere, really...

I was always really impressed when people were good at something...especially atheletics...even though I wasn't that great at much of any sport in high school...

So it's been kind of a blow...post-graduate-school...

To find people be so goddamned petty...and jealous...and play all kinds of bullshit games around matters of education and intelligence...

And it's really worked itself on me, at this point...

So much so that I am beginning to wonder...

Is there ever a point where having so much education or being so intelligent -- even as I can see its impact and potential -- that it begins to be taken seriously in the places I work...where people don't waste all of their time and my time trying to defend against why it doesn't matter because it makes them feel bad...so they try to make me feel bad for having it instead...

Because I can't live my life feeling so caught between my own judgment and the often more narrow, petty, small-minded judgment of others all the time...

At some point...

I wouldn't mind spending at least some time with people who actually appreciate my contributions...

And don't spend all their time trying to rationalize for me and for themselves why being smart or decent or good or whatever just doesn't matter all that much...

It's more than wearisome for me, now...

It's really starting to drag me down...

People think that because I'm so smart...and seem so strong...

That it just doen't affect me like it does...

When the truth is that it really hurts me...

All of it...

So much of all of the bullshit that I've dealt with in the last two and half years out of school...

And some of it cuts me deep...

And it makes me wonder why I worked so hard in school all those years...

When so many people can only see it as yet one more opportunity to feel bad about themselves...

Rather than feel good for me...

And in the meantime...

Every day that my life looks like a failure to these same folks...

It just reinforces for them why being educated and being a decent person just really isn't worth their time, anyway...because look where it got me...

It's all kind of disgusting, really...

Makes you wonder why decent people do good at all, really...given how shitty they get treated, even at their best...

And today (and last night) I just don't know why, at this moment...I do it because it was what I was taught to do...and because some inexplicable faith leads me to keep being decent, despite all of the incentives otherwise...which are far too abundant to keep track of...and distort everything, really...for all of us...

I don't know...

I wish I had some hopeful aphorism to cap this all off and reassure everyone that things will always work out...

But this time in my life has challenged my faith in that principle more than any other period in my life...

And I just don't know...

I hope things work out...

But I just don't know...

I've got to sleep...

I'm exhausted...

Goodnight, everyone...

Love,
Ben

What a Wonderful World...

One of my best friends, Kenny, from work, posted recently and told me the same story at work of hearing Joey Ramone's cover of What a Wonderful World after leaving work one night...Joey was dying of cancer when he recorded this version on his last album...

Well...Kenny tells the story better than I do:):)...

Kenny's Maze...

I have to mention, here, that it is so fascinating to me how many of very good friends are big punk fans...and I am so late coming to the punk scene:):):)...I saw the Ramones at Lollapalooza long before I knew what a big deal they were in the American punk scene and in punk music, generally:):):)...they were awesome:):)...

But so many of my very close friends are big punk fans:):):)...and it's just so curious to me that I'm so late coming:):)...though Melissa rented the first 3 episodes of Six Feet Under, this week...and one of the characters on there explains it better...the lead guy is a Sting/U2 kind of guy...and she's a punk girl:):):)...AMAZING television writing, by the way, Six Feet Under, when you get a chance:):):)...

Also...if you're a punk fan...Kenny posts some punk music lyrics...he's a big Agnostic Front and NOFX fan, if you're interested (Jas...that reference was for you, especially:):):)...great stuff, Kenny's blog:):):)...

So...anyway:):):)...

Kenny tells me this story that night...

And it occurs to me that What a Wonderful World was Brandi's and my song...I had totally forgotten, really, it's been so long...

Especially Louis Armstrong's 1970 version, which I found late in our relationship...

Where Louis is talking to the kids of a similarly disgruntled and disillusioned generation...amidst a similar war...and with similar problems...

And he says to the young audience...with these beautiful violins in the background:):):)...

"Some of you young folks been saying to me...'Hey pops...what you mean what a wonderful world?...how about them wars all over the place?...You call them wonderful?...and how 'bout hunger and pollution?...that ain't so wonderful either'...

Well, how about listening to old pops for a minute...seems to me, it ain't the world that's so bad...but what we're doin' to it...and all I'm saying is see what a wonderful world it would be if only we'd give it a chance...

Love, baby, love...that's the secret...yeah...

If lot's more of us loved each other...we'd solve lots more problems...and man...this world would be Odessa...

And that's why ol' pops keeps sayin'...

I see trees of green...
Red roses too..."

And then he sings the song:):):):)...Louis also died shortly thereafter singing that version:(...and it's the most beautiful version he ever sang, I think...I definitely recommend that folks check it out:):):)...

Brandi and I used to dance to that song every time we had a chance...I love it almost above all others, really...I first heard it on the soundtrack of Good Morning, Vietnam...when it came out in 1987...and I've loved it ever since:):)...

Louis gets it more than most, I think...

That saving the world is about saving it...not about burning it down in spite of it...and that spite and bitterness and hate and hostility are no way to do anything positive or constructive in the world...

And that saving the world is about people...about caring about them...not about taking them down...

That 1970 version of What a Wonderful World should be "required":):) listening for any political theorist or activist or anyone interested in politics, I think:):)...it captures the essence of what is missing and needed in contemporary politics...and the essence of everything that is wrong with contemporary democracies...

We miss you, Louis...you too, Joey...

And I miss a time in my life when more people believed that sentiment more...

Back in 1998...during that summer Brandi and I spent in Washington, D.C....this was the spirit that drove us...

We were saving the world...we knew all the cynicism and challenges that lay ahead...and we were taking them all on, anyway...

More people need to believe that...

If we're ever going to do anything decent and hopeful and constructive in this world...

Otherwise...

We're all stuck in the same messes...

Without anything but our bitching and grumbling and gadgets and drugs and sex and money and power or whatever other kinds of bullshit we keep near us to keep the bad feelings at bay...

And all the same problems still in place...

How long does denial maintain it's grip, I constantly wonder these days?...because goddamn if it can't keep a firm fuckin' grip on folks' imaginations and dealings with reality so much of the time...

"Love, baby, love...that's the secret...yeah...

If lot's more of us loved each other...we'd solve lots more problems...and man...this world would be Odessa..."

Sing it, Louis...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S. I'm working on teaching applications this weekend:):):)...I'll do my best to get back with folks who have been trying to get a hold of me...Ned and Marilyn...you too, in particular...amidst the need to be on this:):):)...but I'm thinking of you:):):)...

I'm gonna miss these bastards...

I've been putting off applying for teaching jobs...I know it's late...though, in special ed, they're always available...I'm sure something will work out...

But I've been realizing, this morning, that...in addition to being exhausted from work...

I'm gonna miss these bastards...

I never, ever in a million years could have predicted how working in a shipping dock would prepare me for the world...for teaching...for my own life...

It's not something school taught me, that's for sure...

It's just...being one of the guys...

I stick out like a sore thumb in most conversations, any more...

And it's nice to have a crew of guys that I just belong to...just as me...no qualifications needed...

And it's been interesting looking at the world...not as a teacher...or as a good student...

But just as a guy...just one of the guys...

It's nice...

And I realize...that this is how I'm going to teach...

The one really important thing that working in a shipping dock has taught me...

Is that EVERYONE HATES BEING BOSSED AROUND...EVERYONE...

And if you work with someone who leads...and they treat you decent...and they're just one of the guys...or whatever...

Then you're much more likely to pay attention to them...and to respect them...and to try to do your best...which, if given the right space, can be far better than that leader ever imagined themselves...

Today...at a meeting...I was noticing how too many of the guys weren't really paying attention...and being respectful of our supervisor...and how our supervisor was both insecure about that...and had kind of earned it, unknowingly...

And I realized that though I like our supervisor and our department lead and all of our leads an awful lot, really...

That I don't want to be that guy ever again...

I've been that guy before...

The teacher or the lead that everyone thinks is a jerk-off...because their insecurities about themselves lead them to try to constantly prove why they deserve everyone's attention...rather than just earning peoples' respect and attention because they deserve it...

And I just don't want to be that guy, any more...ever again...

Even though, in this case, that guy was/is a guy that I like and respect very much, really...

I've learned and feel in my bones, now, that I can best earn peoples' respect by being me...and learning from people...and expecting them to treat me decent...while cutting everyone plenty of slack...and giving everyone as much space as possible and as they need to be them...

And a shipping dock is an ideal place to practice this...because it's a place where you can just let it all hang out, for the most part:):):)...and it's been a luxury that I don't know what other workplaces I'll ever be able to feel that ever again:):):)...

I'm thinking that I might work the docks during the summers, if they might let me...just because I like it...which is ironic:):)...since so many people talk all the time about how they hate this job:):):)...and I really like it, really:):):)...even though it's totally not the "noble" work of teaching or policy...

In a lot of ways...that's why I like it...because when I fuck something up in this job...people don't all lose their heads that it's the end of the world...

The truth is that fuck-ups in teaching and policy are not the end of the world, either...in fact...they are two areas...policy, now...not politics, necessarily...not yet...though, hopefully this way more in the future...where people can fuck up regularly and have the stakes be high...and to more than anywhere else, I think, have a new day to start everything all over again...

But in my professional work...people always act like fuck-ups are the end of the world:)...too much, that is:)...

But the truth, I think...is that more of the world needs to have some perspective about life...and think about the things that matter in life like they are garage doors...

Garage doors matter...they keep our stuff in our garages...warm...and safe from the elements...and from those who might want to take them...

But, in the end, they're just garage doors...and the less crazy we get about them...the better job we can do with just chilling out and taking care of them to make sure they get made, and prepared, and shipped to their destinations with everything intact:):)...

And similarly:):)...

If people in schools and political and other important institutions...if they recognized that what they do matters...

But...that...in the end...no matter what mistakes get made...

We all still have to wake up the next day and do better that day...

And that while life matters...in the end...it's just life...so you might as well enjoy it, even as we get excited about the things that matter:):):)...

Then...maybe...we could all just chill out a little bit...and see better how to do a better job of things...instead of just being upset about even the big stuff...and missing opportunities to make things better...because we get so lost in looking like we're doing something constructive...rather than just focussing, calmly and patiently, on doing good...on taking constructive steps...and being creative about how we approach issues...to better guarantee...that the doors get out on time and in tact, so to speak:):)...

And learning to stick by one another, in the meantime:):)...

That's my dream, at least:):)...

I think we'll get closer by the end of my lifetime:):)...

But I'm fine with the ride, in the meantime:):)...because I like hanging out with all the people that I get to meet in my life:):):)...strengths and limitations:):)...

And I learned a lot of that working in a shipping dock...

I'm gonna miss these bastards:)...

Ben

Concerned:):):)...

A great week, overall:):)...

A lot of Hootie:):):)...I love Hootie:):)...

I've been a little concerned, today, about something...

That...

No matter how I try...

That...for some people...maybe for a lot of people...

My efforts will never really be enough...

My politics matters a lot me because it says a lot about who I am...and what kind of commitments I have in life...and how committed I am to constructive efforts to deal with difficult problems in the world...

But one relationship with one co-worker, in particular, at work...who's always looking for ways to knock me down...and with one person on a chat board that I frequent, who can be pretty nasty with me (though...to be fair to her...she's gotten a lot better:):)...

A situation with a close friend of mine...a friend who has pulled back, recently, with both me and Melissa when we've met with him...

The situation with my advisor and my grad school...and the seeming irresolvability of that situation...

The situation with Brandi...she's not writing, again...despite an effort on my part to at least engage the conversation (by email) of why she is upset with me so much that we aren't communicating, right now, for reasons that I can only imagine without hearing them from the horse's mouth...

All of these situations leave me feeling like no matter what I do...it will never be enough...

I've done everything I know how to do, thusfar, in each of these relationships...for the most part...

And a lot of times...I'm just like...

"Hey y'all...I'm human...I'm not all-knowing or all-understanding...I'm just doing my best, here, like everyone else...and a lot of times, I have NO CLUE about what to do with a situation...I just keep trying, like everyone else...and sometimes I have no idea what people want...especially if they don't say something..."

And...for all of the pretty decent people detective work...getting to know people...quietly...over time...that I think I do...

Sometimes...I think...it will never be enough...for some people...for too many people...

Makes me kind of sad, really...

What do we all want for each other, I wonder?...

For each other to match up, ideally, with our best images of one another, I think...

It's just not realistic...we all need to time and space to be ourselves and learn and grow...

I know...I know...

I guess I just wish I could know, more, what kind of learning and growing that people are working on, more...or not working on, as the case may be...

And I wish there were more people in my life who felt good about my efforts...and not so many folks wanting to put me in my place...especially when I don't think I need to be put in my place...and certainly wouldn't trust people of so little true inspiration to me or the world to try to humble me, even if I needed it...and more people challenging me whom I trust...because they're commitment to me and the world clearer to me...

On a good note...

I'm feeling an awful lot like my most idealistic periods in my life, recently...

The Hootie tunes are out of a period of my life in the mid-to-late 90's when I was feeling great about the world, largely out of some really exciting learning and growing in undergrad at Wichita State, a really outstanding summer being in love in Washington, D.C., and grad school at the University of Kansas:):)...and out of my really inspired relationship with my best friend, Brandi Fisher:):)...

But...even more than that:):)...

I've been rediscovering a sense of innocence...even amidst a sense of worldliness -- that kind of frightens me, at times, honestly:):) -- that I've been reexperiencing again, these days:):):)...at the ripe old age of 32:):):)...

It's kind of nice, in a lot of ways:):):)...

The innocence of my youth:):):)...

Coupled with the wisdom of some years of experience with and reflection on the world:):)...

The older I get...the more I recognize my limitations...my weaknesses...the inescapable confines of experience...mine...and everyone's...

Sometimes, though...

I just want again...

That sense of connection and wonder I felt...when I was in love...when I was exploring the world with someone who was as inspired or aspired to be, anyway, with the world and people and life, as much as me:):)...

I just want to share all of this experience...this life...with all of its limitations...

With someone else...

So I can say to them...

"What a crazy day":):):)...

And be grateful that they were there to share all of that craziness with me...

I don't know, exactly, where life is going to take me...or where I'm going to end up:):):)...

I don't think any of us do, from day to day:):):)...

And in the midst of all that:):):)...

It would be nice to share this crazy, unpredictable, uncertain life...

...with someone who was as excited and scared and disappointed and inspired and the whole range of human experience...

...with me...

...as open with me...

...as I am with others...

...or more:):):)...

It would be nice:):):)...

To share that kind of openness with someone:):):)...

And to know, without even thinking...as I have twice in the past:):):)...

That I was in love:):):)...

Because my heart was and is and always will be a much better guide than my mind...

...which is always and forever trying to keep up with and being broadened by my more adventurous and open and courageous heart:):):)...

I just want my wishes to be more than wishes, at this point:):):)...

And to look more like dreams fulfilled:):):)...

I better sleep before I'm little more than a walking zombie tonight at work:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Seeing over the horizon...and living in the moment...

I'm so exhausted after a long night of work and not enough sleep, yesterday...

I was going to post on the depths of pettiness that I never imagined in the human psyche...especially the pettiness rationalized by all of us, not just some random member of humanity...

But I decided...instead...that I just wanted to appreciate this moment in my life...

A moment when I am quite confident that I have hit upon something very important and innovative...for the fields of policy...and psychology...and other relevant social science fields...

Economics...international policy...education...history...military history...sociology...anthropology and cultural studies...criminology...law...even some implications for physical science fields like chemistry, physics, biology, etc., I think, as well...or at least important explorations...

Anywhere where people are involved:)...

After reading some psychohistory, recently, posted by a friend on a chatboard...I am quite confident, now, that these principles are important, constructive advancements in our humanity...not just in our study of our humanity:):):)...

And I just feel like looking at the horizon:):):)...

And enjoying the view:):):)...

Because it's an exciting view:):):)...the future of humanity, that is:):):)...

And who would have ever thought that I'd be doing it from the inside of a garage door shipping dock:):):):):):):)...

I love it:):):)...life is so uncertain and unpredictable and crazy and wonderful sometimes:):):):):)...all the time:):):)...and I love it:):):)...

Bill Bradley tells this really great story of his shy, reserved, very decent, disabled Republican father...a man whose great pride in life as a banker was that he did not foreclose on one person's home during the Depression:):):)...sitting on the front porch of their home...drinking a Budweiser (the Bradley family is originally from Missouri...so nothing else would do, as Bill tells the story:):):)...

Just looking over the twilight...looking over life:):):)...

If I had a Budweiser right now:):):):) (we just drank the last of our Samuel Adams White Ale, that just went out of season...so I got a seasonal beer on sale:):):)...it doesn't get any better than that:):):)...

If I had a beer, right now:):):)...

That's exactly what I would do, right now:):):)...

At 29...some special education graduate student from Wichita, Kansas...cracked something that noone else has cracked...as far as I know, that is:):):)...

Something so deeply profound for the course of humanity...

...that I just feel exhausted and humbled by the whole thing, right now:):):)...

I can't really describe the feeling...

Just humbled...

Big thanks go to so many people who've really supported my efforts along the way...Tom Skrtic, of course, who supported my studies and nurtured my intellect in grad school...even if neither turned out the way that he had imagined:):)...and my parents:):):)...Chuck Sutherland...who raised 5 kids as a single dad...and taught me what it looks like to strive to be a great dad all along the way...and Marilyn Kodish...a relatively recent and critically important addition to my family...who supported me, emotionally, through so much insanity of the last 6 years or so...and who've both supported me, emotionally as much as anything else, in ways that I definitely do not take for granted these days:):):)...

But especially Brandi Fisher:):):)...who's love and commitment made so much of this work possible...with her example...her generosity...her decency...her love...her patience...her idealism...

Thanks, Brandi...for being my best teacher...now and always:):):)...

Now the challenge is applying these principles -- theoretically and practically -- in all those areas of life where they can make a far better world, I think:):):)...

I'm going to go get some sleep, everyone:):):)...have a beautiful day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A little terrorism research:):):)...

I can't sleep:):):)...

So I'm doing some really fascinating terrorism research, in the meantime:):):)...

Some important links and scholarship:

A link to Brookings' Institution's Kenneth Pollack's ideas on Iraq, published in a July 1, 2005 column in the New York Times:):)...hat tip to Andrew Sullivan for the link:):):)...

Brookings' Institution's Kenneth Pollack's ideas on terrorism...

Poverty, Political Freedom, and the Roots of Terrorism...a brilliant terrorism paper written by Alberto Abadie of Harvard University and the NBER (I assume the National Bureau of Economic Research, a very reputable economics group, in October 2004)...

Alberto Abadie's Poverty, Political Freedom, and the Roots of Terrorism...Harvard and NBER, October 2004...

On-line Newshour has a Terrorism Index, which features all of their most recent terrorism reports:):):)...

On-Line Newshour's Terrorism Index...

And, specifically...PBS hosted a terrorism discussion on September 7th, 2004, during the election, between Bill Clinton's Secretary of State Madeline Albright anf former Secretary of State under Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger...of particular interest to me was Henry's unexpected but not altogether unsurprising defense of the Administration's handling of terrorism issues and Iraq, specifically...much more than he had hinted at in previous work I had read of Henry's in his book Diplomacy...and in his endorsement of Joe Nye's concerns about multilateralism in Joe's book, The Paradox of American Power...in fact, Henry seems to run away from many of the ideas he expressed in both Diplomacy and in Joe's book in this interview, unfortunately, but, in the heat of an election, not altogether unsurprising...

Jim Lehrer's Newshour's interview with Madeline Albright and Henry Kissinger...September 7, 2004...

Abadie's work, among this list, is the most impressive...I very much agree with his conclusions and was very excited to see Abadie make use of the World Markets Research Centre's Global Terrorism Index of 2003/4 to draw his conclusions...

He has many conclusions that those interested would need to read his report in full to get a complete grasp on:):):)...but...one of the most important is that political freedom is a much better predictor of transnational terrorism than is poverty (a conclusion I VERY MUCH agree with...though even Abadie acknowledges, as would I, that relative wealth inequities clearly have impact since rich nations are much more disproportionately the targets of transnational terrorism, even if they are not where it originates)...

But, Abadie argues...political freedom as a variable in assessing terrorism risk is, as he quite creatively and brilliantly refers to it, "non-monotonic"...as in not monotone...the reason, he argues, is that terrorism is most likely to be bred in countries with medium-levels of political freedom...meaning, Abadie argues quite convincingly, that terrorism is a function of authoritarian regimes making transitions to freer societies and that such terrorism spikes temporarily and then decreases significantly...

I also hypothesize, as I'm reading his brilliant article...if a similar argument could be made that domestic terrorism is also a function of less authoritarian but still less than ideally free, democratic, and equitable domestic arrangements (the contemporary issues of right-wing terrorism in the United States being a critical example)...and that international terrorism, similarly, is a function of less autocratic but still less than ideally free, democratic and equitable distribution of international power and/or wealth (September 11th being a prime example)...I do think that these additional hypotheses might better account for why terrorism is not just facilitated in countries in transition from authoritarian arrangements, but why they seem to strike out at more powerful and wealthy free and democratic nations, peoples, and cultures...I think this would offer a fuller explanation of what we've seen in terms of transnational terrorism, especially since September 11th, 2001, than Abadie's hypothesis alone...though I need to spend more time with Abadie's and the
WMRC-GTI 2003/4 data to draw any firm conclusions...

Something to keep my attention while I try to go back to sleep before I have to work, tonight:):):):):)...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Addendum: I'll have to look at the WMRC-GTI 2003/04 data myself, I think, to consider the hypotheses I explore up above:):):)...Abadie doesn't provide enough of that data, really, at all, to draw any conclusions around those hypotheses...but it's something I'll keep in mind as I continue my mission to track down a copy of the very expensive data collected as part of the World Markets Research Centre - Global Terrorism Index, 2003/04...and, as Abadie argues...some of the better and more rare data of its kind on terrorism (I did just find indices from a group calling themselves Macroknow, today...though their indices, at this point, do not look as credible to me as do the World Markets Research Centre data...though it might be well worth knowing that they rank the U.S. at a comparable though slightly lower risk of terrorist attack, today, as on September 11th...though, as I said...I don't, at all, at this point, vouch for the credibility of that data)...

It is also important to note, as well, I think, that I believe that Abadie minimizes some of the empirical support for alternative explanations for terrorism that I think are important enough to point out...

Linguistic fractionalization, by Abadie's own data reports -- both his Ordinary Least Squares data in Table II and his IV data, to account for reverse causation between terrorism and independent variables -- both are reported as significant at either the .05 or .10 significance levels...and MORE significant at all levels than political freedom on the same levels of the natural logarithm of the WMRC Global Terrorism Index...

Also...and more important to me...though the final table is used in Alberto's conclusions to account for reverse causation, and supports, better, his conclusions that terrorism is more highly correlated with countries of medium-range political freedom than countries of the lowest range of political freedom...the numbers on both his IV table to correct for reverse causation and his OLS table, uncorrected, on first glance, with no statistical analyses to test for significance in the numbers, do not seem to be too terribly different from the numbers, generally, for countries with medium-ranges of political freedom...and the final graph of that data seems to support that conclusion as well, I think...meaning...countries with less political freedom, generally, still do seem to have higher risks, generally, for terrorism, than do countries with more political freedom...

Meaning...

That even though the United States are near the top of the WMRC's list...at number 4...

...and North Korea is last on the list...

OVERALL...these countries appear to be anomolies...

Meaning that, GENERALLY, countries with GREATER FREEDOM appear to be at a LOWER RISK OF TERRORISM...and, GENERALLY, countries with LESS FREEDOM appear to be at a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM...

Lest people use this data to rationalize cracking down on civil liberties and political freedoms to reduce terrorism...

The data, though non-monotonic, as Abadie argues, does not support the idea that less political freedom leads to a lower risk of terrorism...

TOO THE CONTRARY...the data seems to pretty plainly indicate that MORE POLITICAL FREEDOM is correlated with a LOWER RISK OF TERRORISM...

Meaning...

Though North Korea may be ranked below the United States on this index...

GENERALLY...countries as autocratic as North Korea are at a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM as freer countries like the United States, GENERALLY...

A pretty important conclusion to take from this data, I think, lest Abadie's conclusions confuse some people, I think:):):)...

I need to do some independent statistical analyses to consider these qualitative analyses further...

But...on first glance...

1) There isn't enough data reported in Alberto's paper to draw conclusions about the levels of terrorism experienced when less than ideally free, democratic, and equitable arrangements predominate even in more democratic governing situations, domestically -- in more democratic countries like the United States, Great Britain, Spain, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Japan, etc., for instance -- and/or internationally -- within global more democratic arrangements...

...and...

2) That GENERALLY...even Abadie's reporting of the WMRC Global Terrorism Index data seems to support the conclusion that LESS POLITICAL FREEDOM is correlated with a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM...and GREATER POLITICAL FREEDOM correlates with a LOWER RISK OF FREEDOM...despite the anomolous positioning of the United States and North Korea, as important extremes, within the data...

Also...

The IV corrections that Abadie performs might also obscure a larger point...which is that the causation may be bi-directional...meaning...independent variables, like political freedom, may result in less terrorism AND terrorism may result in less political freedom, rather than an isolated causation variable, as Abadie attempts to do in these analyses...a pretty important alternative explanation for that data, I think:):):)...

I'll keep researching:):):)...

Correction: The Henry Kissinger book where I remember Henry discussing the need for multilateralism in international affairs was, "Does America Need a Foreign Policy?"...rather than "Diplomacy"...though I believe I read some of the latter book, as well...an excellent read, by the way, for anyone curious about Henry's ideas on international policy:):):)...and it is on the matter of multilateralism that Henry backtracks in this PBS interview that I cite above:):):)...

Reflections on growing up on a Saturday night:):):)...

I'm folding clothes, gathering recyclables, cleaning dishes, working on my resume and applications for jobs:):):)...all on a Saturday night:):):)...I think I'm officially old:):):)...

...though I am watching a series of really excellent films in the process:):):)...

Merchant of Venice, starring Al Pacino and Jeremy Irons:):):)...then Hudsucker Proxy, starring Tim Robbins, Paul Newman, and Jennifer Jason Leigh:):):)...both BRILLIANT MOVIES:):):)...VERY IMPRESSIVE:):):)...

And now, Being Julia:):):)...one of the best performances from Annette Benning I've ever seen:):):)...her role in The American President was good:):):)...but Annette's lacked the kind of gravitas that she has is this role:):):)...very impressive effort on her part, here:):):)...

And as I do all this apartment cleaning on my days off:):):)...

I'm reflecting on just how tired I am of being a parent in my friendships and relationships:):):)...

I don't mind, at all, being a big person:):):)...and I realize that this is just much of what comes with being a big person:):):)...

But I'm also tired of being a parent:):):)...

When Brandi and I were together:):):)...I told Brandi all the time that her choices were her choices:):):)...and that I wasn't interested in being a source of rebellion for her:):):)...though Brandi is/was more mature than most people I know in toto in the world, period:):):)...

And I've had this problem now around the very basic issue of household cleaning in our little apartment with Melissa:):):)...

We've had this issue ever since Melissa and I started living together:):):)...

It's a pretty simple arrangement Melissa and I have:):):)...

I clean:):):)...

She doesn't:):):)...

And it's worn on me for the last several months, in particular, where we've talked about it probably every day of that period:):):)...

To be fair:):):)...

Melissa has gotten better:):):)...

She does laundry...and she often does the grocery shopping...sometimes more than me:):):)...especially in the middle of week when I'm exhausted from a pretty physically and emotionally demanding job:):):)...

Other than that, though...

Melissa just kind of consistently lets things go to shit:):):)...she doesn't pick up after herself:):)...she'll take relatively organized areas of the apartment and slowly devolve them into chaos (the dining room table being the most consistent example:):):)...and she just takes hardly any initiative at all around basic household issues:):):)...

I love having Melissa as a roommate, generally:):):)...she's very easy to get along with:):):)...and she's fun and nice to spend time with, generally:):):)...

But...I have to say:):):)...that this is one facet of having her as a roommate that consistently annoys the shit out of me:):):)...

Now...

At this point...we've talked about this issue almost every day for several months...6 or 7 months, at least...

So the problem is DEFINITELY NOT that Melissa doesn't realize that this is a priority for me:):):)...and after both of us losing things so often (sometimes with serious timelines...a namebadge before work for me was one of the most serious ones, recently)...Melissa, I think, can see that this needs to be a priority for her, as well:):):)...

I think...that for whatever reasons:):):)...that Melissa sees me as some kind of parent-figure:):):)...and that she's just rebelling for the sake of it:):):)...

And I have to say that in any relationship with anyone else that you want to consider an equal...

That this is one of the most annoying things in the world to deal with:):):)...

And what I wanted to say on this post:):):)...

Is that...once...just once:):):)...

I want a relationship with someone who I don't have to parent:):):)...

I just once want to date a partner:):):)...who is both grown up and committed to getting more grown up and learning and growing with me for the rest of our time together:):):)...

Because this parenting friends and girlfriends business:):):)...gets REALLY OLD after a while:):):)...

Sometimes:):):)...I just want to have a relationship:):):)...

Where I can speak and behave freely:):):)...as I can with my younger friends:):):)...

And where I can count on some maturity:):):)...as I can, generally, with my relationships with my older friends and family:):):)...

Are there women like that, out there?:):):)...

I sure hope so:):):)...

Because otherwise it's going to be a rather lonely ride, this crazy life of mine:):):):):):):)...

I've got to get something to eat:):):)...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

KNOWING that people are going to come through for you:):):):):):):):):)...

Does it ever finally dawn on you that when people that you trust the most in the world drop the ball on you...

That those are the people MOST LIKELY, in your life, to pick that ball right back up?:):):):):):):)...

It just occurred to me that there are several people in my life who I've grown concerned would drop the ball on me...

And it has just occurred to me that these are EXACTLY the people most likely to pick it back up:):):):):):):)...

I really don't know exactly how or where or when:):):):):):):)...

But it's just occurred to me...

That if you can look across your life:):):)...

And think about which people in the world that you trust the most:):):):):):):)...and even rank them, as my best friend in the world, Brandi Batayguila "Most Beautiful Daughter of God" Fisher does:):):):):):):)...to the dismay of all of her best friends:):):):):):)...including me:):):)...who only got as high as #2:):):)...since her mom was always #1:):):)...

That those people are EXACTLY the people who are most likely to pick up the ball where they've dropped it in your life:):):):):):):)...

I could make a list like that:):):)...

And I would bet that IN ORDER...or close:):):):):):)...

ALL of those people will pick up the ball for me:):):):):):):):)...

And I just want to say:):):):):):)...

That it's nice to finally feel like I can trust people:):):):):):)...NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...EVERY MOMENT FOR WHAT I HOPE IS MORE THAN JUST THE BULK OF THE REST OF MY LIFE:):):):):):)...

Because you can't put a price on that:):):):):):):)...

Can you, Fisher?:):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, y'all:):):):):):):)...I love you all:):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

In love with life:):):):):):):)...

...that's the feeling I have right now:):):)...

And the funny thing is:):):)...noone really in my life, at this point, that I have those kinds of feelings for:):):)...not quite like that, at least:):):)...

I'm just in love with life, I think:):):)...with all its roller coaster and strong and not-so-strong feelings:):):)...I really love it:):):)...

Last night...at work:):)...I was REALLY TIRED:):):)...I'd gotten like 4 or 5 hours of sleep the day before:):):)...

The night before we had a moment of drama when a member of my new crew, Z, and me, got into an argument when my lead and Z (to be honest...though I let Z off the hook, later on:):):) were pressuring me to load doors faster when I was working tier...meaning working on the various levels of the truck where we load the garage doors:):):)...

We had to talk with our supervisor over the whole affair:):):)...

So today...partly because I was tired:):):)...and partly because of the drama the night before (which was resolved like 10 minutes after it begun:):):)...Z and I are pretty good friends, really:):):)...and hang out, some, outside of work:):):)...

Last night:):)...I decided to play it really chill and avoid any really seriously controversial conversations:):):)...

Z and Zach, the other guy on my crew, for instance:):):)...had this conversation about how gross, in Z's case, and obnoxious, in Zach's case, that each thought public displays of affection by homosexuals was:):):)...

Now...I have strong feelings on this subject, to be honest:):):) (as I have on just about every subject as anyone who's ever known me for like 5 minutes can attest:):):):):)...

I not only LOVE public displays of affection and giving affection publicly by heterosexuals and as a heterosexual:):):) (and could live no other way, really:):):)...

But I think it's REALLY GREAT, really, when I see gays and lesbians -- especially when they are my friends:):):):):) -- engaged in public displays of affection:):):):):)...

I LOVE that I live in Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...a liberal university town:):):):)...where I see more open homosexual couples than I have ever seen, except, perhaps, San Fransisco's Castro district:):):):):)...or Washington D.C.'s Dupont Circle:):):)...

And where they can kiss and hug and hold hands and engage in all kinds of open displays of affection that gays and lesbians often do not feel as comfortable engaging in in my hometown of Wichita, Kansas:):):):):):)...

But I didn't say anything, last night:):):)...

At first I wondered if I should feel guilty that I didn't speak up for my gay brothers and sisters:):):):):):)...

And then I thought how silly that is since it is many of my gay brothers and sisters who would DIE to see me engaged in a night of non-political conversation:):):):):):):)...

It was all pretty funny:):):)...

Plus...I'm no longer on the crew with Kevin and Josh, two of my best friends at Amarr:):):)...where some kind of purposeful conversation was always in the air, at some point:):):)...if only to get us from one, "Do you know how gay you are?" joke to another in our peculiar hybrid vein of sensitive university boy/tough warehouse guy humor:):):):):):):)...

So...

This morning:):):)...when I got home:):):):)...

I hadn't been talking purposeful or political all night:):):)...

And though it was ok:):):)...

It also felt kind of empty:):):)...with all the headaches and heartache that purposeful and political conversation brings:):):)...its absence, while fine:):):)...is just kind of...well...boring:):):):):):)...and empty:):):):):):)...

It may have just been the dark overcast and the morning drizzle:):):):):):)...

But it didn't feel nearly as involved as the more purposeful life that I've chosen feels:):):):):):)...

Reaffirming for me:):):):):):):)...

That, though many people have not chosen a life like this one with me:):):):):):)...

That this is the only life for me:):):):):)...

And...

With all its headaches and heartaches:):):):):):):)...

I LOVE THIS LIFE:):):):):):):):):):)...

I LOVE the opportunity I have to live it in 21st Century America...and as a part of the free and democratic world:):):):):):)...

A fact of life that I WILL NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED:):):):):):):):):)...FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE:):):):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, America:):):):):):):):):)...for giving me the opportunity to live a life more free and democratic than I would likely be afforded anywhere else on earth:):):):):):):):):):):)...

I'm going to get some sleep:):):):):):):):):)...

I hope everyone has an OUTSTANDING DAY:):):):):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Brother, can you pluck a beam from my eye?:):):):):):)...

Days like today...

I have to ask myself...

Is there any end to the cynicism and the bullshit...

My senior year of college, I did a speech in intercollegiate forensics on political cynicism...

I thought it was bad then...

I've never seen it as bad as I'm seeing it, today...

OK...maybe it was worse a couple of years ago...

But the last 5 years or so have been some of the most cynical, nasty, bitter, rationalizing years that I ever remember living through...

I'm sure we must have had cynicial periods when I was a kid...and that I just didn't know enough to notice them...

But this is the worst shape I've seen people and my country and the world in in my years of paying attention...

And one of the signs of just how bad it is...

Is that I have to periodically ask myself...

Can we all step any deeper in the bullshit?...

Could we all be any more cynical?...

Could the world get any more FUBAR -- Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition -- than it has in the last few years?...

It's not isolated to ideology...or background...or religion...or career...or anything...

It's just us...

All rationalizing what nasty, calculating, self-centered, recalcitrant pricks we all are...

And I wonder on days like today...

Is there ever a bottoming out?...

Are we all forever cursed to moral and personal cowardice?...

Is that the fate to which we will all choose to be cosigned?...

Because I can't handle it if it is...

If that's our fate, and I have to give up with everyone else...

I'm doing it for real...

I'm not sticking around this ugly little species if they can't learn to clean up their acts and be decent people...

I'm making my millions...heading off to some isolated, idealic island...

And I'm going to permanently enjoy a life of misanthropic hermitude...

Because I am SO GODDAMN TIRED OF THE BULLSHIT...and the denials...and the pretending to be better than we really are when we're not even trying, too much of the time...

I am no martyr...

If I don't think there's a shot at humanity getting better...

I'm heading off to the tropics somewhere...

Never to be heard from by the rest of humanity, again, if I can help it...

Because I am SO GODDAMN TIRED of the bullshit that passes for honest living, these days...

Watching people bottom out their expectations of themselves in the last few years has helped me understand the Christ story so much better than I ever did as a child...

I don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah...I don't even believe in a supernatural deity...no personified God...

But I do think that Jesus of Nazareth was a great man and a great teacher and a man who suffered the greatest and a most horrific sacrafice because the people of his time could not face the darkness in their own hearts...Mohatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Jack Kennedy, and others faced similar fates for similar enough courage, I think...

And I've never so clearly seen just how recalcitrantly rationalizing of our nastiness that we can be, the small little species that we can often be...

I have hope for humanity, to be sure...

And think that hope (and love) is not only the most needed resource in these dark times...it is one that is too often in too little supply in those who want to rationalize what cynical, mean, nasty pricks we can all often be, at times...

And some days, like today, sap you a little of that much needed hope...

Perhaps, like all such challenges:):):)...this period will make me stronger:):):)...

But I have to say that I've rarely known such a lonely and dispiriting path to strength:):):)...

My faith tells me that not only do these times make us stronger:):):)...but that we all get better, over time:):):)...all of us:):):)...not just those facing the challenges to our faith:):):)...

I don't know...

I just hope...

Because I can't think of anything else to do...

And I'd rather hope than do my bit to drag humanity down with my own cynicism...

Which helps NOT A GODDAMN PERSON...including ourselves...

When we expect the world to be perfect...and it's not possible for us or the world around us to perfect...

It only makes sense that we would be dissappointed...and cynical...and bitter...

Except that bitterness and cynicism doesn't do a GODDAMN THING for anyone..and does so much to keep us from doing and being better...

Makes you wonder why people would hold onto it...

Except, I don't think people who do hold onto them know either...

Except to maintain their illusion that if they believe in their worst fears...

That they can control them...

And not have to face them...

As more courage and a bigger version of themselves might lead them to do:):):)...

Why do we all expect so little of ourselves, I wonder?...it's a defense...but a defense against what, exactly?...against failing?...and then what?...the only thing that can come next...trying again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...

I do have confidence that me and all of my friends and family try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...

...and succeed:):):)...

I'm not seeing something here:):):):):)...

Someone want to point out the beam in my eye?:):):):):)...

I could sure use it:):):)...

Love,
Ben