Heading for higher ground...where there's room for all of us...

I was just having a conversation with a friend about an issue I was having with a sister of mine...

And we got to a point in the conversation that was an important one for me...

How do we know who "good people" are?...

Now...obviously...we all have a sense of who good people are...by their outlooks...by their deeds...by their words...

But that's not quite what is the important part of the conversation for me...

The important part of the conversation is...

That so many of us...most of us...have this conversation like the point of it is to belong to a club...and to figure out who to exclude from the club...

It's an attitude that causes so many problems in the world, I can hardly name them all...

It's a variation on the ugly theme of which is the right religion?...which is the right country?...which is the right race?...which is the right way to live?...

And while I definitely think there are better ways to live and worst ways to live...

One of the worse ways to live...in my book, at least...and I think, period...

Is to spend one's life trying to figure out who to expel from the exclusive club of "good people"...

It just stinks of self-righteousness and a futile attempt to control people and to generally try to position oneself in an ugly game of life where the person playing it is the good person...and where whomever they decide is bad...

And the irony to me...is that genuinely good people...want as many people in that club as possible...

Jesus...Buddha...Ghandi...King...what all these guys have in common is that they kept opening up doors that others had tried to lock shut on people...

They are not known for their exclusivity...

They are known as great men because they opened those doors to people who were left out...

And yet...it is the persistent habit among people who consider themselves mere mortals...and not Jesus or Buddha...or Ghandi...or King...to petition the world to live down to their standards...

Rather than up...to our highest standards...to be great human beings...rather than settle for mediocrity...

And to believe that everyone...no matter who they are...have the potential to be great human beings...no matter what their past...no matter what their indiscretions...given the choice to aspire to be a better and a great human being...

It's a dirty game, we mere mortals play...we can't be great...but at least we're not as big a shithead as so-and-so...

It's bullshit...and it plays to the lowest common denominator of what it is and can mean to be a great human being...

So many of us know that we should love our neighbor...and friends...and family members...

But we don't really in our hearts...and the road just looks too painful to even try...no matter how many people we hurt in the process...

And as my good friend, Josh, would say...I call bullshit on that...

I say...being a human being is tough work...I'll give you that...but it's work that everyone can do...and everyone needs to do...to share the load...and stop putting our shit off on others because we just don't think we can handle being grown-ups...who keep growing...even when the growth is painful...

I have an issue with a sister, right now, who can't give up the bullshit, right now...I have a mother who plays the same game, regularly...and I just can't stand how it tears my family apart...

And I just can't stand how it tears the family of humanity apart...

And I call bullshit...

I say...I understand that the road sometimes seems long and painful, at times...and we'll take breaks as you need them...

But then...we put our packs back on...and we keep traveling...and sometimes its painful...and that kind of pain is good for you...and its good for everyone else around you...who has to put up with you as long as you put it off...

Those guys I mentioned are considered great men...because they were the strongest...and we all need to both strive to be that strong...and to give up the bullshit when we choose not to be...or we feel like we just can't be, in the moment...

And if we can't...we don't deserve to constantly lick our wounds...and have other lick them too...just because we can't learn to grow up...and deal with the reality of being alive...

Which is that life involves getting hurt...and there is no way around that...period...

We try to hurt each other less...but there is no life without pain...period...

And self-righteous assertions that we are the good people...or at least the not-so-bad people...so that we can feel self-assured that we've excluded the really bad people...which is different from dealing constructively with people who do real harm to us and to others...

Those assertions are meaningless...

Because the truth is...

Humanity cannot sustain itself or one another...on bitterness...and self-righteousness...and emotional blackmail...and control...and other various kinds of ugliness...

We cannot function very effectively, at all, that way...

And we would function a hell of a lot better the more we come to terms with how shitty we are to one another...and how much better we could be...if we would face that pain and bitterness and ugliness...

And leave it behind...

It's the most important challenge that humanity has in front of it, right now...by my lights...which is why I work so hard at trying to make and keep us aware of it...

Until we let go that sad legacy of our inhumanity toward one another...

And to live up to our highest ideals...

Rather than constantly bottoming out to our lowest, basest instincts...

And one of those lowest instincts...is trying to figure out which club to belong to that has all the good people in it...and which groups or individuals to exclude from that club because we just don't have what it takes to really include everyone in the human family...largely because we just don't have what it takes to face what shitheads we are, much of the time...

Politics is one of the obvious versions of this really...

Take your pick of which team is good and which team is bad...

Those big bad Democrats are looking to make you conform to every last foolish politically-correct standard they can find...and to punish the shit out of you, if you won't comform...and steal your hard-earned money...and to spend it on whomever they pull out of the sewer...

And those big bad Republicans are looking to make you love Jesus...and be a good Christian, whether you like it or not...all the while justifying every terrible thing that every millionaire does to win their millions...and to take you to war...whether you like it or not...

There's truth in both of those pictures of Republicans and Democrats, of course...

But not only are they not the whole picture of the people behind those characatures...

They don't at all do justice to the greatness that is embodied in the best ideas amongst Democrats and Republicans...liberals and conservatives...your team and their team...and for a lot of Americans...those two teams that never seem to stop fighting one another about who is good and who is bad...

Conservative and liberal ideas that embody the best that our highest ideals...of freedom...and decency...and generosity...and equity...and love...and compassion...and humanity...has to offer...

Modern political science was developed amidst a similarly but far darker time in our history...

Thomas Hobbes watched as Protestants and Catholics destroyed much of Great Britain in religious wars to decide who was right...and who was wrong...who was good...and who was bad...

And like today...the truth was...

They were all just a bunch of goddamned fools...

And...

Decent people who had the capacity and whose progeny eventually grew into some of the most decent that humanity has ever had to offer...

Hobbes wrote his Leviathan as an effort to understand and give some kind of positive explanation for political power that didn't have to rest on these traditional claims of who were the good citizens of Great Britain...and who were bad...

And that instead argued for political power based on reason...rather than on the bitter claims of opposing factions in British society...

Our current political moment features similar such bitter claims among rivaling factions...both convinced of their goodness...and of the intent of their opposition to derail all that is good in the society...

And like our historical analogues...

We are all just a bunch of goddamn fools...

Not just for playing politics this way...

But for playing life this way...

And it is a life that leaves us all stuck in our own sad, bitter, darker world, as a consequence...

A world where the light that shows the way forward...

Involves qualities of our humanity that we too often think of as weakness...so lost are we in our distorted and dark visions of the world...

Love...compassion...forgiveness...generosity...
decency...humanity...equity...democracy...

Freedom...

And a construtive vision of how the world is improved for our presence in it...

All of us...each and every one of us...

No matter who we are...what we've done or not done in our past...

And no matter what bullshit games we play to avoid being the better people that will get us to higher ground...

We will always have to come back to this path...to do better...to be better...and not just whine and carp and bemoan the fact that we just haven't made it to higher ground, yet...

Because that is where the higher ground is...

No matter how long we languish in the low country...

And the high country has room for all of us...

It is not exlusive...

Because it has no need to be...

And until we make the effort to travel in that direction...

We will continue to live the lives of quiet desperation...and today...not-so-quiet-desperation...that Thoreau wrote about more than a century ago...

And I call bullshit on that...

I say we all take the challening but important steps...

To grow up...as a human family...

And to head for higher ground...

Where there's room for all us...

Every single last one of us...as much as it is literally humanly possible for us to offer that up...

And to stop settling for mediocrity on this one...

Because this one...our humanity...is more important than any of the other bullshit that we engage in with in our lives...

Because...when it comes down to it...

It's the only one that really matters...

And we'll be a lot better for it, ultimately...the better we deal with it...

And everything else that we discuss...and debate...and dialogue about...and deal with, generally...

Are all a function of this one...

And they won't be resolved...

Until we deal with this one...not really...

Ever...

And I want us to look for higher ground...

Rather than trying to make do in the swamplands...

And too much of where we at...humanity, that is...is stuck in the swamp, right now...

And the higher ground...has room for all of us...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

One of the best articles on the Iraq war that I've read thusfar...

To begin with...an apology...I totally misread Peter's UniteAgainstTerror petition signature...and definitely agree with the arguments Peter makes around his admirable if short-sighted effort, in my view, to attempt a citizen's arrest of Robert Mugabe...

All in all, though...I think Peter's making courageous efforts to deal with both homophobia, internationally, which is clearly one of Peter's highest priorities...as well as the highly problematic issue of holding dictators -- particularly thugs like Saddam Hussein and Robert Mugabe -- accountable for their ugly crimes against humanity...

Two nights ago...I happened upon one of the best articles I've ever read about the war in Iraq...Tatchell anticipates the problems we are seeing today in Iraq by two years...and his suggestions for an alternative constructive policy are the best and most detailed I've ever read...

Peter Tatchell...Iraq: The Third Way...

...and the President on March 19, 2003...

President Bush's address to the nation announcing the invasion of Iraq...

I would add the backing of the American, British, European, and other significant militaries to provide overwhelming force to quickly humiliate Saddam's army and support an Iraqi led military confrontation...though Peter may be right that a home-grown overthrow might be more successful than even an multilateral military backed war...

That's what a more intelligent discussion and debate about this war might have produced...suggestions far better than the similarly short-sighted efforts of President Bush...

Peter is clearly a courageous crusader for against homophobia and for gay rights...gay rights is a terribly important issue to me...and perhaps if I was gay, I would take it as seriously as Peter as well...though I do think that some issues take priority...this war and Peter's concern with a dictator like Robert Mugabe being two of them...

petertatchell.net

And while I take some umbrage with the tone of Peter's sentiment, here, in calling the terribly confused opinions of leftists rationalizing the reign of Saddam Hussein "betrayal"...I understand the sentiment that nothing should rationalize the ugly legacy of Saddam Hussein...

UniteAgainstTerror...Peter Tatchell...

Peter's efforts to make citizen's arrest of Robert Mugabe are both technically legal and definitely just, it seems to me...but definitely something he would need to coordinate with British and/or international diplomatic and/or legal and law enforcement channels to be successful...

New resistance movement challenges Mugabe...telgraph.co.uk...

Though it is reassuring to find out that a resistance movement has taken hold against the brutal dictatorship of Robert Mugabe...

And this certainly looks promising...

The Forgiveness Project...Peter Tatchell...

Peter's article is still one of the best detailed arguments for the need for internal leadership in a war against a reigning dictator...and in a war against Saddam Hussein...that I've ever seen...

I do think the country would be better off with a public apology from the President that he didn't think this one through, more...but given just how absolutely insane I see now that American and international politics can be...I would definitely have that beer, now, with the President...and with Peter Tatchell...

And tell them both thank you for doing their best...

Love,
Ben

Monopoly:):):)...

Jesse and Melissa (my neighbors), and I, played Monopoly tonight:):):)...

I figured out...as I took a strong lead...lost it completely...and then went on to kick the shit out of my two friends and neighbors:):):)...

That even in the money world...and maybe especially:):):)...

That if you want to win big:):):)...

At some point:):):)...

You got to lose big:):):)...

And it actually is kind of blessing in disguise, for me, right now, I think:):):)...all this debt I have:):):)...

It weeds out all the gold-diggers:):):)...

Which is far more important to me than having a summer cabin...now or ever, really:):):)...

People are so foolish sometimes, I realize now:):):)...

And I actually have one hell of life, right now, I realize:):):)...

Here's to weeding out the gold-diggers:):):)...

And to finding one true girl in this God-foresaken world:):):)...

I'm sure she's out there, somewhere:):):):)...

Until then:):):)...

I got Van Morrison:):):)...and great neighbors and friends:):):)...

And a really fuckin' fantastic life:):):)...

Now...and in the total of my foreseeable future:):):)...

I just can't wait for the future to make it my way:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Politics without ideas and the naked arrogance of seeking power...

Jonathan Chait has this really terrible, intellecutally obtuse article in The New Republic -- a magazine I used to respect but which has since become a breeding ground for cynicism and meaningless abstraction (generally...it's not just Jonathan) -- in it's July 11th edition that I just happened on today...

Jonathan Chait...The Case Against New Ideas...

I have to say that the left is really hitting rock bottom, at this particular political moment...

And Jonathan's really awful article demonstrates the arrogance of not just too many liberals, right now...but of engaging in politics, especially, and any endeavor, period, with the cynical position that all that matters is that you take charge...ideas be damned...

It is this attitude that is the basis for Lord Acton's political aphorism, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely...

And Jonathan's article, here, is about the most naked demonstration of that kind of arrogance that I've ever seen in contemporary writing...

Niccolo Machiavelli, of course, is one of the most naked advocates of power for its own sake...

But Machiavelli died several centuries ago...

And Jonathan Chait is alive and well arguing similarly obtusely in a way that demonstrates Jonathan's lack of thought, really...and not much else...

I mean...don't people resent the idea of people arguing that they should have power over you without any reason given whatsoever?...

I've been dealing, lately, with my resentment that people have control over me, period...rather than respect my freedom and ability to make judgments on my own...especially when I don't see anyone, right now, who I trust to make better judgments for me...period...

But power with no reason?...

I sure hope we haven't all gone off the deep end, like that...

But the nice thing about bottoming out...is that it gives you an opportunity that you either take or you don't...

To look at yourself in the mirror...

And to deal with whatever cynicism, resentment, anger, hate, fear, envy, greed, power-seeking or whatever general ugliness is underneath all that...

And the whole thing makes me so glad that when given the choice between pursuing a life where I just try to get to "the top" -- whatever the hell that is, really, when you stop to think about it -- or to contribute meaningful ideas that either people take advantage of or they don't to improve their lives...

That I took the latter route...

A route that I'm sadly learning is far less traveled that I ever imagined...given how important a trek it is...

I never dreamed that so many people could be so foolish to think that what really matters is how much control or power they have...or how much money they have...or how much influence or prestige they have...or how much they get laid...or how many kinds of drugs they do...or whatever...

Whatever...other than what they contribute to make the world a better place...both their own little home in it...their family...their friends...their loved ones...

And the bigger world beyond it...

It's so funny to me that people would be so goddamned foolish so much of the time:):):)...

Lost in all kinds of foolishness that don't help...and that don't mean a goddamn thing, really...to anyone...not really...

You ever won something that made you feel important...like a volleyball game...or a bridge match...or a talent show...

Well...it is amazing to me that so many people live their lives like life is just this giant talent show...

When...if you ever have won anything like that in your life before...or even gotten close...

Hopefully you realize...

That it's both fun...

And it's also just kind of bullshit, really:):):)...

It doesn't really mean a goddamn thing:):):)...

That's what 7 years of forensics competition taught me:):):)...

That I could win a lot...

And at the end of the day...

The winning really didn't mean anything...

It was the learning that mattered...and the friendships:):)...and the love shared:):)...and the ways I tried and hopefully made things better...or anted up and admitted when I hadn't...

Really...

And everything else is just one long load of horseshit that we give way to much attention to:):):)...

And the more I see just how wrapped so much of the world is in the shit that doesn't matter in life:):):)...

The more it makes me thankful that I carved out my own path:):):)...and thanks to Robert Frost for being one of the first people to inspire me in that direction:):):)...

I hope everyone's doing well, today:):):)...the time off has done wonders for me:):)...and I've got some applications to get on:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Seeing over the horizon...

These Days...Rascal Flats...Beautiful Mess...Diamond Rio...If I Only Had a Brain...Livingston Taylor...I Miss My Friend...Darryl Worley...Hold My Hand...Hootie and the Blowfish...Shower the People You Love With Love...James Taylor and the Dixie Chicks...

I had a great day, today:):):)...

I woke up:):)...blogged:):)...got dressed:):)...went to the bank...to deposit some checks and to make sure I had enough money for another month or so:):):)...

I went downtown to get my haircut:):):)...

I bought a vegi braut and a lemonade from the hot dog vender (who I'm sure kept all the change from the ten I gave him:):):)...

I went by my favorite bookstore, the Vagabond Bookman:):):)...and bought a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird for a friend who I was thinking about picking it up for him:):)...I don't think he's ever read it:):)...and just felt awe in the presence of all those great ideas:):):)...a great book is like communing...spending some time...in the presence of greatness:):):)...it's a great feeling:):):)...and Howard was playing Ray Charles and Louis Armstrong on the stereo today:):):)...so it was a good trip to the bookstore:):):)...

And I read Howard's beautiful hardback copy of the Farther Reaches of Human Nature...Maslow's finest contribution to the field of psychology and to humanity...and really just a collection of his last thoughts before he died:):)...

And as I was reading Maslow...I was thinking...

We've actually surpassed a lot of Maslow's vision...young people, especially:):)...young people have embraced differences in sexual lifestyles, for instance, far beyond what Maslow envisioned (it was an open question, for Maslow, whether people's interests in sado-masochism, trasvestitism, and homosexuality should be accepted...and while many people find these things kind of wierd, sometimes:):):)...homosexuality, especially, has been openly embraced by most young people, I think:):):)...and the others are definitely more part of the mainstream than in Maslow's view of Euspychia, as he called it:):):)...

And Maslow edorses punishing people as a higher B-value, I read, a little surprised, today:):):)...

So he wasn't perfect:):):)LOL:):):):):):):)...

And one of my best friends seemed to acknowledge, today, that maybe even the best of us can be assholes...God knows I can be:):):)...

And I figured out, today, that I cared more about living a life I love...than any goddamn thing that anyone could incent or punish me into:):):)...and I could give two shits about what anyone thinks about the matter:):):):):):)LOL:):):)...

And...while enjoying communing with greatness in Howard's bookstore:):):)...

I mostly just liked be with myself:):):)...just spending time on my own:):):)...just loving life:):):)...and loving the opportunities for greatness that so many of us pass up in our too short little lifetimes:):):)...so scared are we of our weaknesses...or of failing...which is an inevitable part of being great for anyone...period...no way around that one:):):)...

I walked to Borders...and was passed by my friend, Zach, a really good tier worker and loader, generally, who was fired from Amarr for...of all of the assinine reasons...because he smokes marijuana...Amarr lost a great tier worker and loader in Zach...and it serves them right for being such dicks...

And as Zach passed me...he reminded me that my now and forever name for most of the people at Amarr is not Ben...since many people don't even know my real name at Amarr...

Right on...

That's all he said...

He just yelled it from his car...

Right on:):):)...

I spent a lot of time...listening to the romantic jazz being played in various places...Howard's book store...Borders...

And wanting so badly to be in love, again:):):)...to make dinner for someone:):)...to buy exotic, beautiful flowers for someone:):)...to talk and laugh and just enjoy someone's company over wine and good food...to watch a movie, maybe...to be close with someone...and to make love passionately with someone I'm passionately in love with...someone who inspires me...someone who impresses me...someone who aspires for greatness...even as she and I may fall short of it a million times along the way:):):)...

I have a great life, I realized, today:):):)...no matter how much money...or influence...or prestige...or sex...or whatever things that could otherwise be spending my life pursuing:):):)...

And that's really all I want:):):)...

A life of freedom:):):)...and with that freedom:):):)...responsibility to make things better:):):)...

I saw that Jonathan Kozol has a new book out:):):)...The Shame of the Nation:):):)...

I kind of chuckled when I read the title:):):)...and thought:):):)...

Will the drama ever end:):):)LOL:):):)...

And then I saw that a new book about the life and wisdom of Jim Henson just came out:):):)...It Isn't Easy Being Green:):):)...

And I thought:):):)...

Now there's a book that's got stuff in it that could really improve our lives together:):):)...

I love Jim Henson, I can't even tell you:):):)...I first was inspired to consider a career writing children's books after I decided that the Muppet Movie was the gold standard of children's story-telling:):):) (if you haven't seen the original Muppet Movie, I definitely recommend it:):):)...and Grover's The Monster at the End of This Book was the subject of part of my application for my master's program at KU:):):)...and a gift from one of my best friends at the time...someone who I know reads my blog almost every day...but who I haven't heard from in quite a long time, now:):)...

Today was one of the most freeing days of my life:):):)...

And I just wanted to spend it with me:):):)...and just be:):):)...

If you haven't heard Tracy Chapman's The Promise:):):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...

I am STARVING:):):)...and I got to get something to eat:):):)...

In case anyone's wondering, though:):):)...if I know you:):):)...and I haven't told you yet:):):)...

I love you...I really do:):):)...and I hope you know that down deep:):):)...and if we haven't hugged yet:):):)...or said that to one another in person:):):)...we definitely should:):):)...I think everyone should know just how loved they are:):):)...as much as possible:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I finally quit my job:):):)...

Well, kind of:):):)...

Two nights ago...it was the same scenario...

Middle of the week...and I'm EXHAUSTED:):):)...I sleep all three breaks in a tier (levels in the truck for shipping doors)...

And the next night...I'm MORE EXHAUSTED...

Except...last night...I just couldn't get up...I remember briefly looking at the clock at 11:30PM...and I just couldn't get up...

Then I woke up at 6:30AM...

I didn't want to call and say, "Sorry...I was too tired to come in":):):)...

So I go back to sleep and think of what I'm going to say to my bosses:):):)...

And I can't of anything that wouldn't be a lie...or that wouldn't just sound kind of wussy to them:):)...

And the fact that everyone's been super tired at Amarr has been a problem for quite a while now...you can see it in peoples' eyes...

They just don't seem to care, frankly...

And this had been two weeks of it, for me...

And I need the time to look for other jobs anyway...

So I just decided...

I'm going to start looking for teaching jobs full time:):):)...see what happens...

It's amazing...

Three years out of grad school...

And I've confronted so many big fears...

The fear of being in debt...

The fear of being unemployed...and not knowing how basic needs are going to get met (I have a little bit saved...but that's only going to go so far:):):)...

The fear of losing others' approval...teachers...friends...my parents...everyone...

Lots of fears:):):)...

It's amazing...the one thing you can do in a time when everyone is romanticizing using fear and bullying to make all kinds of problems go away (which...if anyone hasn't noticed:):):)...it's not working:):):)LOL:):):)...

Is face fears:):):)...

And that I've done...:):):)...

Even when it comes to force...or physicality...

The thing that matters most...I am totally clear, now...

Is how you think about it...

Thinking matters quite a bit, actually:):):)...more than anything else, really:):):)...except for heart:):):)...which matters quite a bit, too, actually:):):)...

And a lot of people, right now, are just lost in their rationalizations for why they're capacity to bully is more important than their capacity to constructively think through important matters:):):)...

It's so funny:):):)...Brandi and I saw two paths in the middle of the road...

And I took the path less traveled...

Brandi got afraid of what life would be like taking so many risks, I think...

And I gained courage by facing all those risks:):):)...

And already...with no financial benefit whatsoever:):):)...and with too many financial liabilities to count, at this point:):):)...

It's already made the difference:):):)...

I miss Brandi...I miss Jas and Dolly and Blick and Dave, right now...and I miss all my friends at Amarr...and all my friends I've ever had at every job I've ever had...and all my friends and teachers at KU...

But I don't miss rationalizing fear...I don't miss running my life, more, around fear...and I don't miss being treated like shit by people in the name of that fear...

I can't think of a sadder way to live life, actually...

I can't think of a sadder way to waste the one life you have...

But that's what punitive policies do...

They scare people from taking the risks necessary to learn and grow...

They are foolish...and take for granted everything that risk-takers offer us...even when the risks don't always work out the way we want them to...

We should definitely weigh our risks carefully...think about them, as much as possible...

But at the end of the day...

It is the risk-takers...the risk-taking, by all of us...

That creates progress...

And the fear...that stymies it...

We can improve our odds of adding more risk-takers to the mix of life...which will facilitate the efforts of the risk-takers already out there...

By letting people take risks...and not punishing them when they don't turn out...we have to intervene when violence is imminent, obviously...but after that...people have to learn to not use violence and force to solve their problems...and we can best teach them with our examples...and our efforts to get better at that, I think...

By giving people space to take a chance...take two chances...take a hundred chances...take as many chances are necessary to live into their dreams...

And we halt progress when we get scared because risks don't always turn out...which they can't:):):) -- as Amarr did with some of my own efforts...those who read me regularly know about the decision to take me off staging because of a mistake I made, in total good faith, while learning how to do it:):):)...but the biggest way Amarr stymied my efforts was punishing and firing and hurting so many people instead of learning how to be better leaders of the people they had...

I feel kind of sad for Brandi...

She has this time in her young life...where she can look back and think that there was a time when she didn't live her life so afraid...

And I have my whole life to look forward to:):):)...

It's so sad that so many people live their lives like that...

Always too afraid to take the risks that they know would be really good for them...because the price seems so high to do so:):):)...

But to me...

The price of giving up your life...the real freedom that characterizes the life that we all dream of...

That price is far higher than any other price I could pay, frankly...

I imagine it had to fuckin' suck trying to make it amdist the depression...as Joseph Campbell had to do when he left his Ph.D. program when he was about my age...working on chicken farms and other odd jobs to make ends meet...

But goddamn if I don't understand how he felt, now...and how Einstein must have felt...and Roald Dahl, after he was expelled from prep school...wanting time to just do their work...and not having people always frustrating their efforts...because they were just so much more scared of being the best...of being their best...and pursuing a life of neverending excellence...never perfection...but always in pursuit of excellence...

I've been thinking about my wedding, recently:):):)...

And how's it going to be this total celebration of my life:):):)...and my new life with someone else:):):)...

What a great time I'm going to have:):):)...as I have at a million weddings I've gone to in my lifetime:):):)...though I hope my wedding will take the cake, so to speak, for all of those who attend:):):)...

And how it's not going to be some contract for financial stability...as too many women, in particular, treat marriage...or to resolve mutual desperation...as too many men and women treat marriage...or about trying, futily, to be in love with someone that I'm not love with...as far too many people treat marriage...

But how my wedding will be a celebration of love...of being in love...truly...authentically...no bullshit...no fear...just love...

You ever loved someone so much that you'd give up everything for them?...

You ever loved life that much?...

You definitely should...I definitely recommend it:):):)...

Because you haven't really lived until you have:):):)...

And I guarantee that one:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

You were right, Kenny...

...this band rocks!!!:):):)...

Jimmie's Chicken Shack...This Is Not Hell...

Download it...buy it...check it out:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Missing Melissa:):):)...

Melissa's been moving out over this last week:):)...

She found an apartment with a friend of ours' from the theater group we're a part of, EMU Theater:):)...

I agree with her...It'll probably be good for her:):)...

She's got a boy that she's got a crush on:):)...and she's meeting all kinds of new people at her new pad:):):)...

It's funny...

Melissa and I went from fellow bloggers:):)...her in Milwaukee:):)...and me in Lawrence:):)...

To blogging lovers:):):)...

To blogging roommates:):):)...

And now...to best friends...with her living just across town:):):)...

And me missing the heck out of her:):):)...

I came home, today...and the apartment just seemed so lonely:):):)...

No Darcy (Melissa's cat:):):)...

No Melissa:):):) (Melissa wouldn't normally be here in the morning:):)...but I would always look forward to seeing her after she got off work:):):)...

Just me and my messy little apartment:):):):):):)...

Melissa is one of the most supportive people in my life:):):)...listening to a million vents, frustrations, excitement, cries, jokes...just being around:):):)...and sharing life every day:):):)...

And it's suddenly occurred to me just how important that every day spending time with someone personally is:):):)...

How much it is the only sharing of our lives that really allows us to really get to know someone as they really are:):):)...

And not just how they share themselves...even on something as intimate as a blog:)...

I told Melissa that I miss her:):):)...and that she should definitely come by after work:):):)...so we can hang out:):):)...and I can hear how her work is:):):)...and see her sweet little cheery face:):):)...

Melissa and I have a sense of humor together that I don't get to really share with enough people, I don't think:):):)...a very un-P.C. sense of humor:):):)...where noone is left not made fun of:):):)...and as raunchy as we so desire:):):)...

When Melissa and I were coming home to Lawrence, moving her down from Milwaukee:):):)...

She and I started this stupid game of coming up with names of stuff that we could say in that stupid "Da Bears" and "Da Bulls" Chicago accent from the old Saturday Night Live skits:):):)...

And we've just always had kind of a really great stupid sense of humor that we could share with one another, ever since:):):)...

I miss our joking together:):):)...

And haviving someone who would at least feign interest in my daily drama:):):)...and my pontifications on the deeper issues in life:):):)...

Come home after work, Melissa:):):)...we gotta watch a movie, together:):):)...and I gotta come by and hang out with that annoying little shit of a cat, of yours:):):):):):)...and watch him dip his paw into someone else's drink and lick it off:):):)...and knock over shit in someone else's house:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Spending time alone...

Sometimes I feel so taken for granted:)...there are rare times in my life -- that have gotten more frequently, lately -- that I just don't want to talk with anyone...so tired do I get of people not giving a shit...and playing life to the lowest common denominator...and bullshitting me and themselves...

This is one of those times...

Man, have I gotten shit on quite a bit this last week...and...though I know that people who engage in it must get some private thrill from being such dicks...

I'm just tired of it...

I just have a serious issue with people who keep swimming in their own bullshit and can never take any responsibility for it, at all...and when their bullshit involves fucking with me...

It just makes it so hard to take the high road...when everyone seems to be taking the low road...because they just can't quite find it in themselves to be grown-ups...

It's a rare quality to see someone take the high road...when the low road is just too easy and tempting to pass up...no matter how many people you cut off and fuck with to take the shortcut...

I guess I kind of understand the temptation...I'm like anyone else...I don't always do the right thing or the best thing...

I do my best not to rationalize it...

I guess...when I think about that...that I fail at that...a lot...and not just small things...big things...I'm just as human as anyone else on the big things as much as the small things...

But I try to both be responsible for that...

And to be pretty open-hearted with myself and others when I or others screw up...

A lot of it is from my experiences growing up, I think...

I had a dad who made a lot of mistakes...but who was much more responsible than my mom about taking responsibility for them...

And I had a mom who I love...but who was much more self-righteous...and who lamed out of responsibility quite a bit...but pointing fingers plenty...

Meaning...I had a dad who just more responsible than my mom...

And the contrast was a stark lesson in what it really meant to be a good human being...

Being good...I've learned...does not at all mean not doing bad...because if it did...none of us could qualify...

Being good...means doing your best...and when you screw up...you do your best to notice it...acknowledge it...and take responsibility for it...

And all self-righteousness does is help reinforce our own foolish behavior...it acts as one long self-defense...against taking responsibility for our bullshit...

Which would be much facilitated, really...if we learned to be less self-righteous...and to accept each other and our mistakes more readily...

It's so funny...

My favorite bit of wisdom from Jesus...is that we often pluck the splinter from someone else's eye...before we pluck the beam from our own...

The older I get...

The more I realize that this is more truism than approbation...

Jesus was guilty of it too...

And was still this really great guy, despite it:):):)...

If I was hanging out with Jesus:):):)...

I'd probably be like..."Hey, dude...why so much yelling and screaming and throwing the merchant's stuff, like that, in the temple...maybe you need some "me time," Jesus:):):)...maybe a vacation at the Crawford Ranch:):):)...or Martha's Vineyard:):):)...or maybe just time with some movies...or a night out with friends:):):)"...

I think Jesus would have been one of the cooler people to hang out with, during his time:):):)...

But I probably would have tried to help him chill out, some:):):)...

But then again...he was dealing with a lot of shit that I'm not:):):)...

And a lot of my friends don't understand my reactions all the time...

And a lot of the time its because I'm dealing with more shit than they are aware...

I guess I just feel that if we didn't all take out our shit on one another so much...

If we could all be more decent to one another...and sensitive to one another...

And not such assholes all the time...

Then we'd all...

...stop being such assholes to one another all the time:):):)LOL:):):)...

Which seems like a pretty good thing to me, you know?:):):)...

Not being such assholes to one another, all the time:):):)...

It just seems like not being such assholes would just be a better world than being such assholes to one another all the time...

I know:):):)...it's a complicated concept:):):)...

What's complicated, I think...is being aware, more, of what assholes we can all be...all of us...no exceptions...nowhere...period:):):)...and if you think you're not being an asshole...it's a sure sign that you are and that you're being a particularly recalcitrant asshole who just doesn't want to come to terms with what an asshole you're being:):):)...

You may fool a lot of people:):):)...but you don't fool me:):):)...

Which is alright:):):)...

Because I'll forgive you and me and all of us more readily and authentically for it:):):)...

I can't do it instantly...unfortunately:):):)...though I'm working on that, more:):):)...

But I'll do my best:):):)...

Which is the only thing I can really expect from anyone, I think...

But that's not my frustration, right now...

My frustration, right now...is that so many people are constantly taking the low road...

That so many people get lost in their own bullshit...acting like it's no big deal...or trying to make it looks prettier than it really is...

I don't equivocate...I've been a real asshole more times than I can count in my life...

But what's really been pissing me off, lately...

Is so many people pretending that they're not being real assholes when they are...

Either with open aggressiveness and bullying...

Or with passive aggressiveness and more subtle nastiness...

And sometimes it just leads me to want to just spend some time alone...you know?...just get away from people, altogether...

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?...

That someone who's whole life is centered around making peoples' lives better...including his own:):):)...

Would want to spend so much time on his own...and just get away from people for awhile...while I just kind of turn to the one person in my life who I can count on to be decent to me, most of the time...

Me...

Tonight...I'm just listening to some Van Morrison:):):)...and some Sinead O'Connor -- her version of "You Do Something To Me," off of the Red, Hot, and Blue album is the best I've ever heard of that song:):):)...

And just being by myself...

Wondering if I'll ever be able to hang out with friends...

And ever just have them say, "I'm sorry for being such a prick"...

It seems like such a simple thing, doesn't it?...

Just saying "I'm sorry for being such a dick"...and meaning it...not doing it to appease me...doing it because they really feel bad for being kind of shitty...

When I was in grad school...after Brandi's mom and I got in a stupid fight about balancing my checkbook:):):)...

I apologized...after spending the night at my grandma's house...instead of at Brandi's and her mom's house:):):)...

And Brandi's aunt Dory told me...

"It's a big man who says that they're sorry"...

And...at this point in my life...I realize...

This is what makes a big person, period...

This is what makes us grown-ups in our lifetime...

Our capacity to say...

"I'm sorry"...

It seems so simple, doesn't it?...

How is it that something so simple gets so complicated by our foolish, overly aggressive, overly defensive, dumbass natures?:):):):):):):)...

Who knows:):):)...

I just know that it would nice to have more big people in my life...more grown-ups...

In my life...and in life, generally...

Rather than the same old bullshit...and cynicism...and not caring...and not giving enough of a shit...and thick skins...

And all the defenses that keep us all acting like such children, all the time...

Wouldn't it be nice to have a world...a community...a life...

Surrounded by people who take responsibility more readily?...who support one another, better, to take responsibility better?...who act more like grown-ups more often...more like big people...

Rather than just having a handful of big people...that we read...and study...and glean wisdom from...

Wouldn't it be great to have a whole world full of them?...

I think so:)...

A world of people who both take full advantage of the freedom and equity and decency and humanity, generally, that the world has to offer...

And who work, constantly, to enlarge it...in both big ways...and in all the million smaller ways that make our lives so good...and that we completely take for granted...all the time...

That's my vision, at least...

A world where we each and where we all...take more ready responsibility for our own lives...

And for one another...

A world of bigger people...all learning and growing:):)...

And supporting the growth and learning of one another along the way:):):)...

I know some people like this:):):)...

Though they are few and far between, sometimes:):):)...

Almost everyone I've ever met, personally, in life, seems to do this...but it is a wonderful and rare quality to meet people who do this regularly:):):)...

And I suppose we all slip...God knows I do:):):)...so I know I need to cut people still and always more slack:):):)...

And it is a real pleasure to meet people who look to take the high road in life...

Even when the low road is just so tempting...

I don't know if they make more money...

I don't know if Van Morrison...or Bob Marley...or Dar Williams...or They Might Be Giants...or Indigo Girls...or Crash Test Dummies...or Arrested Development...or Louis Armstrong...or any of my favorite musicians make or made more money...

I don't know...

I don't care...

I just remember the feeling I felt when I first heard Van Morrison and Bob Marley...making love with my first really serious girlfriend...

Or Dar Williams...or Sinead O'Connor and Annie Lennox off of the Red Hot and Blue album...being so thoroughly in love with my second and last really serious girlfriend...

Or Indigo Girls...or Crash Test Dummies...or Arrested Development when I needed to listen to someone who had something new and valuable and beautiful to say about people...and the world...

Or how much I really value reading someone like Amartya Sen...or Abraham Maslow...or Joe Nye...or Gordon Wood...or Stephen Ambrose...or Desmond Tutu...or Martin Luther King...or Mohatma Ghandi...or Buddha...or Jesus Christ...or Joseph Campbell...or Albert Einstein...

When I want to read someone who seems to have really deep, powerful insights into the world...

I guess a lot of people could give two shits about that kind of stuff...

About caring more about the world...

But I do...

And I wish more people did too...

And I want to do my part to create a world where...as much as possible...

People are just more grown-up...

Where they take the high road, more often...

Where they work more...to be better human beings...

To be more decent...to be more thoughtful...to care more...about themselves...and about others...

And sometimes...ironically...in the course of that...

I just want to be away from people, I guess...

And just spend time with the one person I can count on to be most decent with me...me...

The more people treat me like shit...the more they take me for granted...and the less they can just say, "I'm sorry"...

The more I just want to spend time with myself...

Just be away from peoples' bullshit...

Until they can finally pull themselves out of it...

Enough to begin to grow up...

To look at themselves honestly in the mirror...

And just be responsible for themselves...

It's such a rare quality...

That one...

But I'd rather hold out for the possibility...that people can learn how to do that...

Than just keep doing the same ol', same ol'...

Goddamn, Van Morrison is awesome:):):)...thanks Jenny, for introducing me to him:):)...my first love:):)...and some of the first music I ever made love to...

You know how long since I've been in love?:)...

It's been a long time...

Almost four years...well...I was in love well past four years ago...but four years ago was the last time I shared love with anyone:)...

Van Morrison reminds me that it'd be nice to share that with someone again...

You know when you're in love and you don't have to do anything special...maybe get some wine and some flowers...maybe make some dinner...have some candlelight...maybe check out a movie...or visit with friends...and just make love...and lay in bed together...

I miss that:):)...

It's so amazing to me that so many people spend so much time trying to fill up their time:):):)...

When...when you've had that feeling:):):)...you know it's the only feeling that really matters, down deep, in the world...

The intimacy that comes with really loving someone...being in love with them...down deep...

I just watched Barefoot in the Park for the third time, again, this morning:):):)...

And I was reminded...watching Robert Redford and Jane Fonda being two really sweet young newlyweds just being in love...

Of what that was like, again:):)...

That's how we all spend more of our time, I think...

Loving one another...

Being in love:):):)...

Laying in bed with someone special...sharing our hopes and dreams...and frustrations...and supporting one another:):):)...

And feeling inspired to be better people, as a consequence:):):)...

It's very much like I told Brandi about our relationship:):):)...

That...together:):):)...our love made us more than either of us could be totally on our own:):):)...

That love that inspires us to be better people, I think...

It's a nice feeling:):)...

I'm gonna make some mac and cheese...listen to Van Morrison...and Dar Williams...and every romantic song I can get my hands on:):):)...and go to bed, I think:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...snuggle up with someone you love, this weekend:):):)...hope you're all doing well:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Darkness before the dawn:):):)...

I'm pretty sure, now, that we are seeing the darkness before the dawn...

Because this whole last week...today, especially...

I'm been getting a really nice peek at the dawn:):):)...

And it's a really beautiful view, let me tell you:):):)...

When I was in grad school:):)...

I went through this really cynical period:)...

Brandi can tell you about it, if you ask her:):)...

It was the middle of the Clinton Administration and the Gingrich/Dole Congress...which was both a highwater mark for some really constructive policy, I think:):)...and a low point for some really awful partisanship, as well...

And I was just growing really disillusioned that Washington D.C. was even really capable of doing good, much of the time...and I was feeling increasingly disconnected from Washington politicians and journalists and others and all their thick skins and cynicism...

And I was trying to make sense of it all...of how so many people who believed in doing good in the world...

Could all act to terribly towards one another...

How in the world I was supposed to look at that as some kind of model of morality...or neighborliness...or decency...or humanity...or whatever...

And I'm increasingly come to the conclusion...

That I'm not...

That power has nothing at all to do with doing or being good, much of the time...

Sometimes it does...

And sometimes it's necessary...

But that the ideal of a self-governing nation doesn't at all involve politicians of whatever stripes...or even citizens of whatever stripes...always lording over one another...as if they're power-tripping and bullying had anything to do with being or doing good or facilitating authentic self-governance amonst individuals, communities, and societies...which the more base reactions to Hurricane Katrina totally give lie to...

It is the generosity of Americans, during this time, that is the model of self-governance that we should all learn from and do justice to by following its example...

And everything else, really, is just bullshit...yet one more target for our ongoing bitterness and anger that the world is not as clean and predictable and without tragedy as we would want...and a fundamental failure of our humanity...to come to terms with tragedy as a fact of human existence...now and forever...

So...in grad school...I felt the pain of a world that disappointed me...

And I chose cynicism...for awhile, at least...

Brandi could tell you more about it...it was kind of dark time for me...

But...today...I see and experience that same pain...

And I choose idealism...and constructiveness...and decency...and humanity...and generosity...and a generally helping spirit...

Because it is the only thing that does any damn good in this world...

Everything is just bullshit, really...

And I'm not interested in pretending any different any more...

And the disaster that accompanied Katrina...has just been something of a clarifying moment for me...something of a watershed...

That cycicism is just one long slippery slope of rationalizing what assholes we are...

And how I don't want to rationalize, at all, ever...ever...any more...being an asshole, anymore...

I don't want to be an asshole, any more...as much as possible...ever...

And I want to take responsibility for it every single time I am...

Every single time...

Period...

No excuses...

And that's what it means to be decent...and responsible...and good, I think...

And that's me for the rest of my life...

Embracing my inner asshole...really embracing him...loving him...and understanding him better...

And taking responsibility every step along the way:):)...

And doing everything I can to maintain...enlarge...elaborate...innovate...and otherwise inspire that spark of idealism...

For the rest of my life...

And make no excuses for myself, any more, when I don't...

It was nice to do that for three months and several years with someone else to help me reinforce that:):):)...

But...while it's not the same thing...doing it without sharing it with someone...

I'm really proud of myself doing that today...on my own...whether people around me reinforce it or not:):):)...

Just being good...and aspiring to be better...always...and embracing the moments and the impulses to do otherwise:):):)...

And it sure beats the dark fantasy that we can somehow avoid doing bad in our lifetimes...and that we've got to beat ourselves up and beat everyone else up, along the way...while we both rationalize it...and hate ourselves for it:):)...

I feel like...in this really fundamental way...

That I've grown up in the last week...

In a really fundamental way...

Because it's not a way that anyone demonstrated for me, really...

It's been a path that I've followed others for, when they had directions...

And that I've blazed on my own, when they didn't:):):)...

And I'm really proud of that:):):)...

I do wish I had someone to share it with:):):)...

But it's alright that I don't:):):)...

I really, really like who I am today:):):)...

And I want to be more like this and better for the rest of my life:):):)...

And hopefully...share it with my friends and family, of course:):):)...

And...find someone who wants to step out of their comfort zones:):):)...take on the challenge:):):)...

And share this life with me:):):)...

To aspire for greatness:):):)...and not the same old mediocrity that the world has to offer right now and perpetually:):):)...

I feel completely renewed, right now:):)...

I feel like a kid again:):):)...seeing the world with wonder...and curiosity:):):)...and boundless love:):):)...

But not naive...at all...

Just embracing reality as it is...

And committed to making it better:):):)...

And borrowing ideas from all kinds of people, along the way:):):)...on how to make it better:):):)...

Have you ever had that feeling?...that feeling that your life really matters, I mean...really matters...

I definitely recommend it...

Because there's nothing like it...

You couldn't buy this feeling if you wanted to:):)...

You earn it:):):)...

And I'm proud as hell that I've earned it:):):):)...

I have one friend who once aspired to earn it like this...she's the only one who has ever aspired to try to earn it in a way even close to this:):):)...I hope she continues on that path, at some point...

And I'm looking forward, like crazy, to meeting others, along the way:):):)...

And maybe one of them...a girl, hopefully:):):)...will choose to earn it along with me:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

How living in a tough world has taught me that I just want to live a life without so much unnecessary pain and fear:):)...

Playing: Clint Black...Something that we do...The shoes you're wearing...Ode to Chet...

I've been exhausted all week...I was in some serious pain, last night, totally worn out and dragging ass like I haven't dragged ass ever before at Amarr or at any job, really...except for maybe grad school, maybe...though I was totally at my wits end, last night...

It's funny...living in a tough world -- in a world tough because of too much ugliness from conventional sources, to be sure...but a world full of too many good people who've developed thick skins and tough exteriors to deal with their fear of the more conventional ugliness in the world -- is teaching me something really important...

That the one really most important thing I want out of life...for myself and for my kids and for my family...

Is a life without so much goddamned unecessary pain and fear...

There's just too much of it in the world...everywhere...it doesn't just come from one group of people or another...it comes from all of us...and I just want less of it, in the world...

I want to be less of a source of it...

And I want to be less a recepient of it...

I'm tired of being afraid and being hurt everywhere I go...

At work...

With friends...

With family...

Everywhere...

I just want to live a life where I don't have to worry, all the time...

"What am I being threatened with this time?...How are people threatening to hurt me or actually hurting me, this time?...and what new excuse do they have for doing it to me, this time?"...

You know...I watch politics...and the most important things in the world...and I see so much bullshit...but bullshit, too often, that too many average people at least say that they want...and then get upset when they get it...

I watch so many people who are so afraid of the world...that they constantly feel like they have to flex their muscles...beat their chests...

It's like the opening scene in Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey, that I just watched again...

Kubrick portrays the dawn of humanity...with his and Arthur C. Clarke's vision of daily life of pre-human apes...

Their brute natures...their aggressiveness...their fear of other clans of apes...and their wild responses to a world full of threats to their lives and fear of what they don't understand...

And I think...we're all still much too much like that, really...

As my great friend, Jason Blick always says...we're all just a bunch of monkeys...

And it's true...

We're all such monkeys...all beating our chests...trying to make all the scary monkeys and the scary things in the world go away...

Rather than using the one most important capacity that our humanity offered us -- our heads -- integrated more fully with the capacity that both makes us so great and that scares us so much, much of the time -- our hearts -- to understand ourselves and one another better...to stop being so afraid of ourselves and one another...to stop beating our chests at one another like apes still trying to scare away all the monkeys and threats in the world that scare us...

I realize, now...that in my fear of the world...and all the fear and pain it has to offer...even from the most decent among us...that I've too often in my life been a source of fear and pain for others...

And I'm totally clear, now, that there's so much pain and fear in the world, as is...that I couldn't possibly make it all go away, if I wanted to...

But I'm tired of contributing to it...

And I'm tired of feeling in its grip, all the time...

And the thing I've always wanted for my life...and that I want for others...

Is a life without fear and pain so much of the time...and ideally...a life where unecessary fear and pain is something we just stop inflicting on one another...

No matter how much we evolve...human beings...

We're still just all these scared little monkeys...always looking over our shoulders at what threats other monkeys pose...and, in the process, scaring the bejeesus out of all the other monkeys around us...

And as much as anything else...

We're afraid of ourselves...

Of our natures...our baser instincts, especially...and our capacity to hurt others...

Abraham Maslow wrote quite a bit about this in his really great book that I've talked about probably a hundred times on this blog:):):)...The Farther Reaches of Human Nature...

About the need for human beings to embrace their lower natures...to integrate them more fully into their lives...to strive for what he calls "B-values"...the highest aspirations of humanity...

That's why I do the work I do the way I do it...

I don't want to just write more sterile academic text in sterile academic environments...as much as I value how important that work often is...

I want to embrace myself and others in the world...just as we are...and do my best to let go of the fear...and to teach and demonstrate for others that if we all learn to embrace ourselves, more, and to be less afraid of the world...

That most of the really terrible things in the world will occur less often...that we'll all get better...a little bit at a time...

And coming of age in an era when so many people are romanticizing tough, breast-beating responses to complex problems that need more head and heart and less brutishness...

I've just come to the conclusion that the one thing that I want for my own life, at least...is a life without so much goddamn fear in it, all the time...

I realize...looking back over my life for the last 14 years I've lived on my own...and on my entire life, when I really think about it...

That the thing I've desired more than anything else...that is just so much clearer, now, the more I listen to people foolishly celebrate the breast-beating and the more people use fear in their relationship with me...counterproductively, as a rule...

The life I want more than any other...

Is a life without so much fear and pain...so much unnecessary hurting and threatening of one another...

A life where people can breathe more easily...

Where they can be themselves and be more at peace with being themselves than they are now...

A life more real...and less superficial...in our dealings with one another...

And a life where...out of embracing ourselves for who we are...our baser instincts...as well as our higher instincts...

That we do exactly what I know is true in my life...and which Maslow wrote so eloquently about...

Where...when we have an free choice...a real, authentic free choice...between our worse and our better instincts...

That we generally choose our better instincts...

And just kind of embrace our more base instincts:):):)...

And I can take or leave the rest, really...

Money...power...sex...drugs...lust...gluttony...greed...sloth...wrath...envy...vanity(the seven deadly sins that I, ironically, learned from the great horror movie, Seven, and never from any religious text:):):)...and self-righteousness...the eighth and quite possibly most serious deadly sin:):):)...

That I can embrace mine and everyone's desire for these things...and not get too bogged down in their getting too wrapped up in them...

And just have a good and decent life...just living without so much fear...and just trying to do good...

I'm tired of being afraid...I wish everyone were, really...and maybe they are...but most people, I'm afraid, are more committed to holding onto their fears...than letting them go...

Life is just better, I think...with as little of it, as possible, with us stuck in fear and pain...and the aggression that generally accompanies, it...

Fear and pain and aggression are a part of life, much of the time...but the more we can let go of them...the least fear and pain and aggression we can manage to act on in the world...and inflict on others...and still deal as effectively as possible with the challenges in front of us...the better off we are, I think...

And right now...I think we're all just like those apes in 2001 Space Odyssey...we're just all beating our chests...hoping we scare away all the monkeys who threaten us...

Even when doing so isn't the best that we have to offer...

Even when those with much wisdom and intelligence and heart have worked to improve how we deal with the difficult problems of the world...

We just get too stuck in our pain and fear and our subsequent chest-beating...

And I'm one monkey who is both tired of all the chest beating and pain and fear...of contributing to it...and of it living with what pain and fear others have to offer to my life...

My whole life I read and read about people who seemed to understand this lower nature, better, for their times...Mark Twain...Henry David Thoreau...Lao-Tzu...Buddha...Jesus...Ghandi...Martin Luther King...

And then I read people for our time who seemed to understand it better...

Abraham Maslow...Joseph Nye...Amartya Sen...Desmond Tutu...Benjamin Barber...Jeffrey Sachs...Stephen Ambrose...James McPherson...John Rawls...Ronald Dworkin...Paul Light...Sarah Lawrence Lightfoot...Terry Moe and John Chubb...
John McWhorter...Shelby Steele...Taylor Branch...Howard Gardiner...Robert Sternberg...Doris Kearns Goodwin...Michael Beschloss...Harold Bloom...Lisbeth Schorr...Milton Friedman...Ronald Coase...Richard Posner...Joseph Campbell...Albert Einstein...

And even writers with less depth of vision but still important contributions to our understanding of the human condition...

David Horowitz...George Will...Andrew Sullivan...E.J. Dionne...Peter Beinart...David Broder...Jonathan Kozol and Tracy Kidder...Bobby Kennedy...Winston Churchill...Bill Bradley...Colin Powell...Bill Clinton...Bob Dole...and even some academics...like Michel Foucault...and Chester Finn...and Cornell West...and my graduate advisor, Tom Skrtic...

And I thought...I want to be like those people...

I want to see things that others don't see...I want to make the world better for my presence in it...I want to help bring light to places where there was/is more darkness...

I want...as Bobby Kennedy said when he comforted the nation while delivering the news of the assassination of Martin Luther King...

"To aspire for what the Greeks wrote so many years ago...to tame the savageness of man...and make more gentle the life on this earth"...

I wanted to contribute to making the world a more decent place...a place that better reflected the ideals that I learned and collected so many years as a young adult and in school and trying to get a grasp on what wisdom this world had to offer...and to contribute some of my own...

And today...the most important wisdom I feel in my life...

Is that I just want to live a life with less fear...and pain...and contribute as little fear and pain, as possible...especially the kind that is utterly uneccessary and meaningless...the kind that's being romanticized in too many important circles, today...

And now...after living with an intensification of it that I've never really seen or at least been aware of in my life...

That's all I want, really...

A life with less fear and pain and chest-beating...

A life with more thought...and care...and concern...and humanity...and decency...

I remember one trip back from Manhattan, Kansas and Kansas State University, where my girlfriend at the time, Jenny Burrington, went to school...

And stopping for a bit in Abilene, Kansas...the hometown and resting place of one of Kansas' finest contributions to American politics...Dwight Eisenhower...

And noticing how little partisanship was present in his tomb...how beautiful I thought it was that there was a place for meditation in the final resting place for this conservative President...how universal and compassionate were the messages of brotherhood and religious tolerance that filled this sacred spot here in my home state:)...

And how...like most museums...or tombs...or walls...or statues...or other places of more sacred thought and reflection...

How I wished that people lived the way that they aspired when they visited such places...

That they lived with that kind of deep and thoughtful reflection...

With that kind of wisdom...and aspiration for it...

With that kind of gravity for how much their lives contributed to this world...

To aspire, more, for the most important aspiration of liberal democratic societies...as Bill Safire put it, before he retired...for greater self-governance...each of us...not just each of our governments...but each of us, individually...the greatest guarantor that people will do and aspire for good in a world that constantly temps their baser instincts...and which is best developed through the least amount of pain and fear and aggression we can direct toward one another and impose on one another's lives, as possible...

And now that I've had more than my share of the bad taste of a world that lives with far too little of this kind of reflection and gravity and wisdom...

And the life of less fear and pain and chest-beating that naturally accompanies it...

That's all I want in life, any more...

Just more time for reflection...and for it to be taken more seriously by more people...

And for less fear...and pain...and chest-beating...

I better get some sleep:):)...

I hope everyone's having a decent week:):)...

Maybe sneak some time in for some deep reflection, this week...just for the hell of it:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Living a normal life...the impossible dream...

"May not the cure be more cruel than the disease"...great line...from Man of La Mancha:):):)...

Work was pretty chill last night:):)...Deway was kind of surly:):)...but, overall, it was a pretty easy-going night:):)...Fred, our regular lead load, has been off...and Sean has been leading:):)...and Sean is becoming a pretty decent lead:):)...

There's this guy...Jim...on the docks:):)...who I've grown to like a lot:):)...

When all the other guys on the docks were giving me endless shit about being a vegitarian:):)...Jim would eat my vegi taquitos with me:):)...

And you just have to know Jim:):)...Jim is definitely no crunchy, granola liberal:):):)LOL:):):)...

Jim is this built 50-60 year old guy...with these awesome, beautiful tattoos on his arms...I've never quite seen tattoos, in person, that looked quite like artwork like Jim's:):):)...it's really pretty amazing:):):)...you just have to see them:):):)...

And they're on these huge Popeye-like forearms:):):)...

And he's got this really short, white hair:):):)...

Jim's married...and has kids:):):)...and despite all of the tattoos and the pretty openly crude way that he talks about the women in the warehouse:):):) (Jim has about the filthiest mouth of anyone on the docks, I think:):):)...other than me, that is:):):)...

He's actually this really good, decent, nice guy:):):)...and I really like him a lot:):):)...

He reminds me of home...

See...I'm not from an educated family, really...at all...

Despite all the bullshit I've been through with all this book-learnin' post-graduate school...

I'm really just a working class kid from a family of small business owners and blue collar construction workers:):):)...

And Jim is like a lot of folks I miss back home:):):):)...he's not snotty or educated...Jim doesn't put on airs...

My family often complains about architects...about them not listening to the experience and understanding of folks like my family members, from working on the job for as many years as they have...I admit...it's been a pain in the ass, much of the time, trying to have an intelligent coversation with my co-workers who don't value intelligence nearly as much as I do...but they still out-think me on this job much of the time...often, because they've done it longer...and know better what they're doing:):):)...and other times, just because I'm wrong, and they're right:):):)...

In fact...folks at work are constantly surprised -- more facetiously than really, I think -- when I make mistakes:):):)...which is all the time, of course:):):) -- as if an education means that I don't make mistakes:):):)...which is kind of a silly view of education, I think:):):)...

As I always tell my friends...education...intelligence...whatever...it's just meant to improve your odds:):):)...to shorten the distance between mistakes and better moves:):):)...better choices:):):)...

It doesn't -- at all -- prevent bad choices...to the contrary...it is through experience, as much as thought, that we learn to make better choices, I think:):):)...

Education and intelligence just teach us to reflect on experiences in better and better ways...to recognize and prevent mistakes, more, in the future:):):)...

Not to live in some dream world where mistakes don't get made:):):):):)...

Anyway:):):)...

Jim reminds me of home:):) (somewhere that I've got to get back...to see my Grandma, first and foremost...though I had two people tell me to wait:):)...that my grandma needed rest:):)...so I'm waiting:):):)...

Jim reminds me of back home...

Good people...like family...caring...a little crude:):):)...and good...decent...

People I love...even when I'm going through a period in my life when I've felt simultaneously more connected with people...and more different than folks...than I've ever felt in my life...

And that's why schools and universities and polite society has never felt quite totally comfortable or familiar for me:):):)...

Because though I very much value education...more than most by far, I'm sure:):):)...

Fundamentally...I'm just some kid with working class roots from Wichita, Kansas...from a family of construction workers...and a father who branched out into real estate development and consulting:):):)...

A family of pretty down to earth independent business owners...

Liberal in some ways...conservative in other ways...and family, through and through:):):)...

You know?:):):)...

And Jim is just like home for me:):):)...

And it makes me feel at home:):):)...

In a town where I've known largely professors...and students...and friends who came to Lawrence because of its more liberal, open community...same reason I did:):):)...

Jim feels like roots:):):)...even though I won't be at this job for long, I know:):):)...

Someone you don't have to impress, really...

He just likes you because...

Because he's a decent guy:):)...and generally...he'll like everyone:):):)...

And that's the kind of people I'm from back in Wichita:):):)...

And I miss it:):):)...

I miss being around people who really do love me no matter what...through plenty of thick as well as thin...

And who I don't have to be trying to impress all the time:):):)...

Which makes it much easier, I have to tell you, to do things that actually do end up impressing them:):):)...because there's no pressure to whatsoever:):):)...

I miss that...

I miss being a kid and just being loved for myself...just as I am...not because I impressed someone...or because I behaved perfectly...or because of anything, really...

Just because...

Because I'm family...

That's how I feel about people...

That they're like family...

And I like them all...just because...

And in my family...no one ever gets to boot...ever...my Uncle Tommy's ex-wife, Jonna, still comes and visits my grandmother:):):)...everyone, all my friends...even and sometimes especially friends who kind of shock or titilate the less broad-minded tendencies of my blue collar family...are welcome to come home with me:):):)...and...as far as I'm concerned, at least:):):)...everyone is welcome and a member of my family...as long as they can learn to treat me and the people I love decent, that is...and cut them as much slack as they need to live their lives:):):)...and accept them as they are, as much as they might want to be accepted:):):)...

I love my family...you can tell...

And I just have felt caught between these very different worlds, lately...

A world of incredible educational opportunities...the most high-minded folks in the world are the ones I've sought out to study in my time as a student:)...

And a world of ordinariness...a world where I don't have to impress people, all the time...where I'm loved just for me...no matter what I do or don't have to contribute to the world:):)...

I just don't feel completely comfortable in a world where I have to impress people all the time, really....

I don't mind being ordinary...

I kind of like having a life where my every move isn't scrutinized...

Where I can just be a simple, decent person...

And have that be enough...

They just got to the point in the movie where they introduce Don Quixote singing, "To Dream the Impossible Dream"...that songs makes me cry every time I hear it now (it's a private thing that a good friend of mine understands, but noone else, really)...

When I was a kid...I always wanted to escape my roots...

To find a place where noone would hurt me any more...

Where people would treat me decent...no matter what...

Genuine unconditional love...

And now, today...I long for it...

Knowing...that in reality...there really is no place of real unconditional love in the world...anywhere...except that which we create...

I feel that for people...I try to give it to them...even when they don't reciprocate...

Even when they denigrate it...and treat it as weakness...and people always have...and as they do today...even those who practice it more in reality...ironically...

And I've decided...at least...

That I'm living that life...

No matter what the fuck anyone else does:):):)...

That world will continue and start with me...

No matter how goddamn foolish the rest of world is:):):)...

We need people to do their best...that's for sure:):):)...

But we also need to accept people for their real limitations, as well...and not use them up until we have no use for them, anymore...and then throw them aside...when we have no use for them anymore...

We need a world where everyone is welcome home for the holidays:)...really...

Even Deway:):):)...when he's being all grumpy and surly, as he was last night:):):)...

All of us:):):)...

I don't give a shit how impossible a dream it seems to some people some times...

It's a reality...in my life...and I'll work every day for the rest of my life...to make it a reality for others...

"A man has to come to terms with life as it is," a fellow prisoner taunts Cervantez...

"Life as it is" Cervantez responds..."I have lived for over forty years and I have seen...life as it is...pain...misery...cruelty beyond belief...I've heard all the voices of God's noblest creature...I've heard moans from bundles in the filth in the streets...I've been a soldier...and a slave...

I've seen my comrades fall in battle...or die more slowly under the lash in Africa...I've held them at the last moment...

These were men who saw life as it is...but they died despairing...no glory...no brave last words...only their eyes...filled with confusion...questioning why...

I do not think they were asking why they were dying...but why they had ever lived...

When life itself seems lunatic...who know where madness lies...perhaps to be too practical is madness...to surrender dreams, this may be madness...to seek treasure, when there is only trash...too much sanity may be madness...

And maddest of all...to see life as it is and not as it should be"...

I think Deway was being surly last night because he was upset with me...the other night...Fred and Deway were arguing with me over something dumb...where a load bar was supposed to go...it didn't matter, in this particular case (sometimes it does)...they were mocking me (as they so often do:):):)...and I called them dumbasses in the process of arguing, rightly, that the argument was a dumb one...that likely wouldn't mean of hill of beans...and if it did end up meaning something...we could easily move the bar...and...in the meantime...I'd put my time in...and I was tired of being condescended as if I didn't know what I was doing, anymore...

So I think Deway was hurt, last night, over the whole thing...

Because the truth is...underneath all that tough exterior...

Deway cares whether I think he's a dumbass or not...

And he's afraid that I really think he's a dumbass...

Which I don't...

I think he's got plenty of smarts...street smarts...some people smarts...football, baseball, and basketball smarts...garage door loading smarts...

And he -- and everyone -- could definitely benefit from some book smarts...from school smarts...

So I'm going to pick him up a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird...

It's just occurred to me that Deway has probably never read it...

My favorite novel...that I read when I was in tenth grade...

And one of the most highly accessible and profound American novels ever written...

I want Deway to know that I think everyone can be smart...

That we're all dumbasses in one way or another...

And that we should all strive...always...to be smarter...in all the ways that count in the world...

"To dream...the impossible dream...to fight...the unbeatable foe...to bear with unbearable sorrow...to run where the brave dare not go...

To right the unrightable wrong...to love, pure and chaste from afar...to try when your arms are too weary...to reach the unreachable star...

This is my quest...to follow that star...no matter how hopeless...no matter how far...to fight for the right...without question or pause...to be willing march into hell for a heavenly cause...

And I know that if I will only be true...to this glorious quest...that my heart will lie peaceful and calm...when I'm laid to my rest...

And the world...will be better for this...

That one man...scorned and covered with scars...

Still strove...with his last ounce of courage...

To reach the unreachable star..."

"Once...just once...would you look at me just as I really am," replies Aldonza...

"I see beauty...purity...Dulcinea"

You just have to see it to understand...

Have a great day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

A life with less fear...

I think I'm learning...slowly...to stop fearing bullies...

We all have to compromise...compromise is the nature of life...

But, as a part of that compromise...I'm prepared to give friendships a break, if need be, temporarily...I'm prepared to deal with whatever I might need to deal with to live a life, authentically, without fear dominating it...

I have to make compromises around basic needs...because I have no other choice...and even then, you can bet that I will be looking for ways to get away from bullies in my life...

Everything else...if you pressure me...I will try to understand your perspective...and I might be persuaded by you (though I might not, as well)...

But I will not be bullied...under any auspices...any more...

As with all lower impulses...I both understand the impulse to bully...and it disgusts me...that people would want to try to bully their way through problems...rather than dealing with them constructively, thoughtfully, with civility, and with respect for one another...

I have to hold out hope that the bullies of the world -- which are all of us, when we have a chance -- will not will out on this...

That like hitting and abusing children or spouses or loved ones...that this will pass away from our accepted modes of dealing with one another...

If you can't...to the best of my ability...I will ignore you...and leave you out of my life, temporarily, until you can take responsibility for yourself...and you'll definitely be hearing from me about it...

Until you give it up...

That goes for employers...and friends...and creditors...and anyone I deal with now and forever in the future...

Whatever needs to be done to make that kind of life possible...I will do...period...

And the truth is...though we are often hesitant to admit it...

That is how all of us live our lives, really...

Just quietly...some of us with more courage than others...

We are a dysfunctional lot, for sure...the human race, that is...

But we got a lot going for us too:):):)...

And if we stop rationalizing the things we do that hurt one another...

And get focussed on supporting one another to a better future...

We'll be in much better shape...

But if we can't cut out the bullshit...

Then our lives...individually...and together...will be miserable until we do:):):)...

Bullying doesn't make us bad people, I don't think...otherwise we all would be in pretty bad shape...since we all do it, in one form or another...even to ourselves, unfortunately (meaning beating ourselves up)...

Bullying is just a lower impulse...that needs to give way to a higher, more generous impulse...

To forgive...and to treat each other as decently and as least aggressively as we can manage...and as is needed...

And either way...when it's all said and done...we'll die...and they'll kick dirt on our faces...and that will be the end of that:):):)...

I plan on using my life wisely, in the meantime:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

One way to help with Hurricane Katrina...

I've been really disappointed with all the carping, blaming, and other irresponsible nonsense going on during this hurricane response in the Southeast...

Newt Gingrich and Fareed Zakaria had a really constructive conversation this morning on This Week with George Stephanopolous about future government emergency responses...Fareed emphasizing the need for investing in and rebuilding public infrastructure...and for more effective government responses, at the federal, state and local levels...

...and Newt with excellent ideas around devolving public responsibilities from large government bureaucracies to smaller, leaner, more effective government and private groups to create more decentralized efforts to deal with such a crisis...two very valuable suggestions, I think:):)...Newt's, in particular, to more substantially increase the number and variety of responses and efforts to help in such a tragedy...an advantage of the current response that most of us totally take for granted...but which we could still dramatically improve with a suggestion like Newt's, I think:):):)...

And George Will waxed eloquently on peoples' constant tendency to overestimate what government can do...something I very much agree with:):)...

And George Stephanopolous and Chris Matthews both, to their credit, did something novel as journalists:):):):)...to have constructive conversations that were sympathetic to the very dedicated efforts of public servants to deal with serious catastrophies, like this one...George more successfully with guests better engaged in that effort in Fareed and Newt...

Barack Obama had some very "soul-searching" comments on Chris Matthews, to use his words, that were a much better example of the thoughtful, constructive leadership that Democratic leaders might offer than anything I've heard, as of yet, from Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, or Harry Reid...

And my stepmom, Marilyn Kodish-Sutherland, sent an email, today, that outlined the efforts of her and my father and the hotel staff and volunteers in Dallas to provide shelter, food, assistance with finding housing and jobs, medical assistance, computers and internet access for evacuees to register with FEMA...very inspiring...and very expensive...

So...here's the deal:):):)...

If you want to contribute to efforts to help with Hurricane Katrina...

You can contribute to the Red Cross, which seems to have the most visible non-profit presence in dealing with this situation...

You can pay taxes:):):)...and maybe then some...to help support the Federal effort (and if you're in the relevant localities, to support local and state efforts)...

And you can donate to this fund that has been set up to help folks who have relocated to the downtown Dallas area, for now:):):)...

There are specific efforts you can donate to -- gas cards for people who need gas for their cars until they get paychecks...or donations to sponsor families staying at the hotel (about $55 per night) -- or you can donate more directly to either the hotel effort...or the efforts of a local non-profit, the Bajito Onda Katrina Fund, a 501(c)(3)...

Thanks for everything you might have to offer to this effort...including, as Marilyn mentions, any and all brilliant ideas that you might offer to better support people struggling with this terrible tragedy...

And thanks, of course, to Marilyn and my dad to giving so generously amidst this terrible tragedy...very impressive to me...

Marilyn's letter, below, has many more details:):):)...

Thanks so much mom and dad, for all your help:):):)...and to everyone who has given and contributed to help with Katrina's survivors (finally, a time where that word seems appropriate:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Dear Friends & Family,

Most of you know Chuck and I own a hotel in Dallas Texas. We have had 800 people at the hotel who are survivors of the hurricane since Katrina
hit.

We've got over 300 this weekend and we're getting a new influx on Monday.

People came to our hotel, expecting to stay for a day or two. When the hurricane hit, they lost their home, their job, everything. The paychecks
they were expecting never arrived. Other hotels turned people away when they couldn't pay but we couldn't do that. And when we found out the
only meal people were getting was our free breakfast because they had no money, we started feeding them 3 meals a day at no charge to them. It costs about
$1500 to provide 3 meals a day.

We have already moved 75 families into apartments (where we arranged 3 months free rent). Each family that has moved into an apartment received a
move-in package with household furnishings, linens, etc. put together by local churches. We're getting 75 more move-in packages tomorrow in
anticipation of moving the next group out to apartments.

We had our first job fair to help them get work last Wednesday, 2 days after the hurricane hit. Over 50 people have received permanent jobs and the
other adults have received temporary jobs (although many are minimum wage which isn't enough to support their families). We have people fill out
a universal application which we are sharing with companies who are looking to hire people. Today while I was at the hotel someone from Eatzi's (a
gourmet café/store) came to review applications and will be setting up interviews in
the next day or two.

Before the hurricane hit, we had one computer for our guests in the lobby. Within a few days of the hurricane, a church donated 5 more which are
in use all the time - so people can access services online and find their family members.

We have a warehouse full of donated clothes and shoes in bags and boxes that have to be sorted so that people can find clothes that will fit. We
need volunteers right now to do that. We also need volunteers to help people apply for their benefits online, find family members, get prescriptions
filled, and listen or whatever else they need.

These people are starting from scratch. It is unimaginable. Many do not know where their family members are. They have no job, no access to
money, a future full of uncertainty. They are so grateful for everything we do and are traumatized by what they have been through. And they need their
neighbors - that's you and me - now!

A member of Congress - Representative Eddie Bernice Johnson - is coming to our hotel tomorrow to see what we're doing and meet some of the
survivors.

Our local CBS affiliate - Channel 11 - reported on our "relief efforts" on Wednesday, saying "the Quality Inn hotel is the best organized relief
organization in Dallas". That is an amazing acknowledgement of the hotel staff and community that has combined efforts to service our guests.
We are hopeful we can get at least partial reimbusement for the housing portion
but haven't figured out how to do that yet!

What can you do?
1) Volunteer! Come to the hotel to sort clothes, help people navigate the system, just listen. We need people every day all day and will continue to need people until they are all settled into jobs and permanent housing. Everything makes a difference.
2) Donate a $50 gas credit card for people who have cars so they can drive to work (they need gas money the first week or two until they get paid)
3) Donate a gas card (so people have gas money their first week of work until they get paid) and/or a Walmart or Target gift cards (for special
needs like adult diapers for their grandmother or extra large clothes that are not donated or special clothes/uniform for their job or for household
items as part of the move-in package)
4) Donate money: (without this we can't provide the relief services we are committed to providing)
- Sponsor a family by paying for their housing and food - it costs about $55 night for each family
- Contribute to or sponsor a move-in package for when they move to an apartment (cost is about $500)
- Help us provide relief services like an extra van ($1600) to transport people to the FEMA or Red Cross office, etc.
5) Come up with brilliant ideas for what else is needed by these amazing survivors and take it on to help us provide that!

If you can make donations to the hotel directly, please write a check to the Quality Inn Market Center and trust us to use it to feed and house
these people. If you want to make a tax deductible donation, you can write a check to the Bajito Onda Katrina Fund which is a special 501(c)(3) fund
created in partnership with a local nonprofit to support our guests who are survivors.

To volunteer, show up!

The attached article is from the Dallas Morning News earlier this week and the end of the article talks a little about our hotel.

Why am I sending you this?
1) So you know what Chuck and I are doing as owners of the Quality Inn
2) So you have some sense of what is needed by these people as they create a
new life from scratch in a new city
3) So you know how you and others can make a difference for the survivors and for us in providing relief services

Each of you receiving this is someone who wants to make a difference with others. Thank you for whatever you can do, including sharing this
with others. Every conversation, every effort whether at our hotel or in your
own community will make a difference.

Marilyn Sutherland
Quality Inn Market Center
1955 Market Center Blvd.
Dallas, TX 75207
hotel: 214-747-9551
My cell: 214-797-9916
My home office: 214-696-6926
Email: kodish@swbell.net

The following is a recent note by a friend of mine who has been
volunteering
at the hotel.
============================================================================
============
Date: Thu, 08 Sep 2005
Subject: Katrina Update from the Quality Inn

Once again I was at the hotel this afternoon and things are changing
rapidly. Here are just a few of them:

We secured a truck yesterday to take our overflow clothing to Salvation
Army, but there was no room at the inn at any of their locations. Also
no
room at Texas Stadium for anything but new items. So all our overflow
is
back at the hotel in the warehouse area, free for guests at the hotel
to
take advantage of once they are sorted.

A funny thing happened this afternoon while I was in the warehouse
(there is
a huge one behind the hotel). A family of five was in the warehouse,
going
through boxes and bins and picking up things. They had three or four
laundry
baskets and had filled them to the brim and then some. As they came by
us on
the way back to the hotel, I noticed they must have had 40 pairs of new
socks. Wow, I said to my new friend Adam, did you see they have about
40
pairs of new socks. Yep, he said. That's a lot of socks, I said. Yep,
he
said. Probably more than they need, I said. Yep, he said.

At which point my objections kind of petered out. Oh, I said, the game
is to
give it all away. Yep, he said.

Well, I don't know if that conveys it, but I was trying to conserve
what we
had and we clearly had mountains more stuff than we need. It is a sea
of
generosity.

A doctor came down this afternoon to see patients. A pharmacist came to
help
with prescriptions. Three or four other medical professionals came as
well.
We found a local drug store that will deliver the prescriptions.

A church group is working on putting together more move-in kits for
families
moving into apartments. Another church group called about managing one
of
the meals on Sunday. Some bunch of guys showed up to cook dinner. It
smelled so-o-o-o good.

We are hosting a "block party" for all the guests on Saturday
afternoon. My
boss has given the tent we use all summer for a tent sale and I got a
local
tent company to volunteer labor and supervision and come down Saturday
morning and put the thing up on the parking lot.

Here is what is needed acutely now (besides the continuing need for
cash)
--VOLUNTEERS ON A REGULAR OR SCHEDULED BASIS.

Please take on calling the hotel and volunteering to be there at a
certain
time (3 hour minimum, please) with a carload of friends. Call the
Katrina
Central desk at 214 747 9511. We are very short during regular business
hours and on week nights. We need 10 to 15 volunteers from 9 am to 9
pm.
Every day.

Ask a group of co-workers, or your family, or your soccer team ... and
your
group will have a big impact. Just carve out a time and let them know
you¹re
coming.

There is something for every skill level ‹ physical work like cooking
or
sorting the mountains of clothes, talking with the guests and just
helping
them sort things out, making phone calls, confirming all the myriad
agencies
and entities who are coming to the hotel, playing with kids, working
with
each family to make sure they are applying for all the benefits they
are
eligible to receive.

Today I got the tent, lent my cell phone to someone trying to track
down her
mail that¹s still being delivered someplace in New Orleans, took
pictures of
a little boy in someone¹s borrowed house slippers, hugged a lady I¹ve
seen
each day I¹ve been there, got half a dozen volunteers started on some
project or another, brainstormed with my friend Adam about what to do
in the
warehouse to make it work for everyone, accepted the offer at the dry
cleaner¹s of dozens of unclaimed cleaned and starched shirts on hangers
to
be delivered to the hotel in the next few days, carried several sacks
of
school supplies that had been donated from the office to the store
where
guests have access to them, etc. See, you could have done any of that,
too.

So drum up a car load and come on down.

That¹s all my Katrina report for tonight. Guests are still in good
spirits.
Those computers in the lobby are really in use. Almost all the adults
at the
hotel who want work have found something. Several families are moving
out to
apartments. And whatever you¹re doing, including just talking with your
friends, it¹s making a difference.