The 64 Billion Dollar Question...

Are you just completely fuckin' naive, you fuckin' lovey-dovey, peacenik, aw-ain't he swo nwice, dumbass motherfucker?...

To answer that question, I'll relate a conversation I had with a Lawrence police officer, today, as I was reporting checks I had that were stolen and forged on my account...for an amount that is far greater than what I had in my account...so I had to make a police report to take care of the checks written to a creditor...

The officer I dealt with was a really great guy...Myron Grady was his name...he's this guy who's had a tough background...who shared it with me...and, who, like me, understands the need to have an attitude of no excuses responsibility to get people on the better track...

Myron thinks the folks who fucked me should "have their asses kicked" as he said...and I can't say that I disagree:):)...but it was nice talking with a police officer who has a very similar attitude to mine, in terms of actually making a difference in this kind of situation...Myron clearly cares...and that matters...and it was nice to talk with an officer who actually cares...

Folks who were involved with this thing -- we have no clue if they actually did it...but, after I had let them borrow my car, they had accessed my house and claim that others who they let into the house had taken the checks, as a part of larger check-writing scheme...others that I've met and know to be much shadier characters -- but the folks involved are people I care about...

They aren't the nicest folks in the world, that's for sure...

They're your typical crack addicts, in a lot of ways...though, to be fair...they are making genuine efforts to kick the crack...they're nice enough, some of the time, at least...they live like children...one of them has two jobs and a daughter...the other has a son and no job and occassionally shows an inclination to get a job...they live for now...and their friends live for now...for the next high...for the next lay...for whatever is happening right now...

They are also human beings...and, at some level, friends...who I care about...who also seem to be making painfully slow progress doing something more productive with their lives...it's so slow that I can hardly stand it most of the time...but they make it...slowly...

And part of my commitment as a human being...nevertheless as a teacher...and a policy scholar...and someone who, generally, wants to make a difference in this world, is that I stick by people...even the less savory folks in the world...without, as much as possible, now that I'm older and more savvy about these things, being drug down into their messes...

I am a strong son-of-a-bitch...I have, frankly, never met anyone stronger than me, emotionally...and so I can be patient with situations like this...

But...my experience with these folks, in particular, has taught me that being in and out of jail for much of their lives has not helped these folks very much...and I know I've made a difference, as small and slow as that difference seems to have been...and as much as it feels like a pretty overwhelming burden, sometimes, doing the hard work and having cynical sons-a-bitches carping at me without better solutions...

I'm not a martyr...when they fucked me, they lost privileges to my house and my car...they have to earn the trust back...and they are working on it...

I am not naive about them or others, generally, I don't think...I don't know everything you're doing...but I know, better, who is engaged in fucked up shit and who is not...

And I'm explaining to this officer...who has totally been where I'm at, right now...who has family that he cares about that he wants to make better choices...

That I just can't give up..no matter how many people do...no matter how much shit people give me...no matter what...I can't...I won't...

I am stronger than most people...and my love is more genuinely unconditional than most people...

That doesn't mean that I won't intervene...or say anything...or do anything...it just means that I will find the least aggressive means possible to encourage/move/inspire/whatever the fuck/and if I have no other option to fuckin' force your lame fuckin' ass in the better direction...

Like Officer Grady...I have come to terms with the fact that I can't force folks to stop fuckin' up...Myron worked as a parol officer for a while...and left for a reason I completely understand...because he got tired of caring about people more than they care about themselves...goddamn did I understand that one...

But it's clear that Myron still cares quite a bit, really...and so do I...and that's why I don't give up on people...no matter what...period...

Because I have become completely clear...that giving up on people...has everything to do with why the most fucked up shit in the world happens...and goddamn if I am tired of that same fuckin' stupid cycle...and I am ready for it to end...

I will give our relationship a break...I'll make my car or house or whatever off-limits, when I need to...

But I won't give up...ever...ever...ever...ever...
ever...ever...ever...ever...ever...ever...ever...

When does Mr. Sutherland give up on you, my kids might ask someday?...

Never...period...

And that is the only right answer to that question...unless you're overtly and inescapably threatening my life or the lives of others...in which case, your life will be in danger from me...but I will do everything I can to avoid the latter...

And the truth is that I've been fucked over more times by friends -- better friends and not-as-great-of-friends -- more times than I could ever count in my life...and I have fucked up plenty, too, in my life...

And my friends are all goddamn lucky (and I am, too) that I haven't/don't/won't give up on any of them...any of them...period...ever...ever...ever...

No matter how much the ungrateful shitheads they are, often, take advantage of me...

Who is the big man in these parts?...me...and why...because I am the one motherfucker that you know will never give up on you...ever...

No matter how much you fuck me or others...though there are always consequences to our actions...natural ones...that we can all learn to deal with in the meantime...

And as Officer Grady says...when you've chosen that, freely...and you know there's no turning back...as I have...and as Officer Grady clearly has...each of us has to prove ourselves every day...but some people you can just tell are more genuine in that commitment than others...Myron is one of those people...Phoenix, my friend in the army, is another one of those friends...you can just tell who the stronger people are and who the weaker people are...and these are two of the stronger people...as well as a million friends I have...Myron and Phoenix are two of my law enforcement/military friends who are of this stronger ilk...

The fact is...that for all the shit I get for just how clear I am about what unconditional love means to me and those I care about -- which is everyone, at some level -- in my life...

I am stronger than most people...by far...including and especially the stupid, dumbass macho motherfuckers I've always got trying to prove just how tough they are at my expense...and if you need me to prove that physically...I can do that too...

It was nice talking with Myron, today...to commune about what it meant to be a man...a real man...someone who wears their hearts on their sleeves...who'll kick your ass if you need it...but who only do that if they absolutely have to...because they know, better, what will help and what won't...

I don't know if my professors have figured it out yet...or if most folks over 40 have figured it out, yet...but this generation...just like theirs...just like every generation before this generation...and just like every generation after it...meaning the kids I teach...

We will be defining what it means to be a man...to be a grown-up...to be a decent human being...better than the generation, previously...

And that became so clear to me talking with Myron...

I've been reading Hobbes, again, today...he's brilliant...I'm totally caught up in my passion about his brilliance, his courage, as I'm reading him and C.B. MacPherson's introduction to the copy of Leviathan that Melissa owns aloud to Melissa...

He invents political science...civil philosophy, as he calls it...

And he totally fuckin' reinvents the entire fuckin' human race, as a consequence...

I'm telling Melissa...that I totally don't get Hobbes when I was in undergrad reading Leviathan in Dr. Ericson's Modern Political Theory class...

I was a big John Stuart Mill and John Locke and Jacques Rousseau fan, more than any of the other authors we read...

It's both ironic and appropriate that I would find him during a cynical push on the left for power in America...

For non-policy folks...

Hobbes is the theorist of security, essentially...life, according to Hobbes, is "nasty, brutish, and short"...and government's responsibility to is keep people secure from the vagaries of life...

I didn't get him in college because, like most college students, I was looking for greater and greater freedom...and kind of took my security...the work done by law enforcement and military folks...for granted...

I don't take that security for granted any more...I take it seriously...and know that it is irrevocably tied up with mine and everyone else's ever expanding freedoms...

And now I get Hobbes...

And just how important is was for this Englishman to write a tract that would define the idea of political science...as a secular study and as a study of one of the most important bodies in modern life and the life of our civilization...government...that was independent of religion...as Protestants and Catholics in his own country ravaged the nation with civil war...over the ultimately destructive and futile question of which ruling power should retain that power...manipulating the country with the question of whether Protestantism or Catholicism was the best religion to lead their country...

And as my own country is wracked by a political war by various ruling parties manipulating the country about who...liberals or conservatives...Democrats or Republicans...should lead the country...which is the right ruling party...in a country predicated on the notion of self-governance, rather than a ruling elite...

I wonder, too, what will convince my fellow countrymen and fellow citizens of the world...that self-governance is created by each of them...as citizens, primarily...and by government, only secondarily...a thesis I'm not convinced that Hobbes would agree with...but which is very much in line with his same concerns in the 16th Century...

Sitting and talking with Myron today...I was never more honored to be doing the work that I do...to be answering the questions that I am answering...to be building the kind of world that I would like to see built...

Thanks to Myron...for being such a decent cop...and reminding me of just how important that job is to all of our security...

And thanks to Thomas Hobbes...for changing the world...and to him and Myron for helping to assure my security...as I aspire to do the same...

Love,
Ben

Wierd dream and Valerie Plame...

I just woke up...I had this really crazy dream...

I met up with Brandi for the first time in a long time...and kind of spent the day together...

Like my other ex-girlfriend, Jenny...Brandi had gotten all slimmed down...and hottied out...too slim...it was like this really terrible impression of someone you've really respected...

And the whole day...she keeps using the word "totalitarian," strangely...referring to people around her, like "this woman is so totalitarian"...repeatedly...and really badly...

And she's trying to score some drugs from one of the guys we meet during our day...and I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound to me like they're scoring weed...

She's distracted...and inconsiderate...

The last time I saw Brandi she almost literally didn't talk the entire time...we went to a coffee shop in Kansas City I had been to before, once, with an ex-girlfriend and a very good friend, Rachel...she ordered coffee, I imagine, since she loves the stuff, and I ordered hot chocolate or something, since I'm not a big fan...

And we sat at this table...and this girl who I could never have shut up had my life depended on it...she almost literally didn't talk the entire time...

It was really heartbreaking...

Such a crazy dream...

I don't know...I guess I've just seen so many friends get sucked into lives that are kind of meaningless in a lot of ways...maybe I'm just anticipating it with Brandi...

It's hard to maintain a more purposeful life when there are so many people to discourage you...so many of my professors, especially my advisor, who had given up on that kind of purpose quite a bit, if he ever really had it, lose some of it...Tom had it/has it, I'm sure...I'm just not sure how strongly...I can never tell...lots of people give up their sense of purpose, in part or in whole...

But something tells me that I won't find out, soon...the next time I'll see Brandi, I suspect, is when I invite her to my wedding or when she contacts me...neither of which are likely to happen soon, I don't think...

I hope the best for her, though...she is still working at the YWCA, as far as I know, in Kansas City...so she's still doing non-profit work...and business development is important work to fundraise money for such efforts...

The great thing about non-profits in the non-profit market is that either they raise money...or they don't get their bills paid...a lesson that public schools could learn, better, in the coming generation, I think...though doing so in cynical times like these has got to be something of a minor hell...

Two of Valerie Plame's CIA friends, Vincent Cannastraro and Larry Johnson, believe that the Administration outed Valerie out of spite and political revenge...

Valerie Plame's Last Day at the CIA...

...which, if true -- but still yet to be confirmed, in my mind -- would be a particularly low point in recent American politics, I think...I still give Libby and Rove the benefit of the doubt that they were trying to clarify a discussion of who sent Joseph Wilson on his trip to Niger without intent to "get" Wilson or Plame...but if that's not true...if Rove or Libby were trying to get Wilson or Plame...this is a much darker story of political ambition and how far some will go to pursue it...

But that has to be proven, first...

I don't know what I can or can't expect from the Bush Administration, unfortunately...I want to believe I could trust them...but they've played so many power games with so many people, I can't tell anymore...Democrats have as well, at this point, to be fair...so it's hard to know who you can trust in Washington, these days (maybe most days...but some days are definitely better than others...and these last 5 years or so have been a particularly bad time for all politicians in Washington, Democrat and Republican)...that doesn't bode well for them...I'm something of a best case scenario, I think, in terms of presumption of innocence...I hope, for Libby's and Rove's sakes...and for Valerie's sake...this thing didn't go down like that...because it's a shameful episode in American political history if it did...

And one that we -- including Libby and Rove, if it's true -- will rebound from...and move on:)...

I so much better understand something like this, at this point in my life...how something can be forgiveable...and still bad...I hadn't fucked anything up really badly until I was a young adult...and now that I have, and with some distance, I can see it better, now...which makes me all the more sensitive to it...and forgiving, too...in part, because I could and needed to forgive myself...and, in part, because I know just how fucked up parts of the world -- even in our own backyards -- look like when people don't/won't forgive...

And I also understand why so many young people do and would fuck up...both out of lack of experience with doing so, as was definitely my case...

But also because there's this breeding ground for it among older adults...most of whom have lost their fire, in some way...and spend an awful lot of time convincing young people that they will lose theirs, as well...or relying on young people to somehow give them their fire back...

We're all responsible for our fuck-ups...but the environment that we've created, thusfar, for that kind of situation...and serious need for it to change if we want people's behavior to change...helps me understand it, better...and forgive it more easily...until everyone learns how to do that better...and as long as people choose not to...then the big people in the world will have to carry that on their backs until the more petty people learn to carry their load...

Now that I know how petty so many people are...most people are...the prospect that they might lead the world...is both laughable...and a pretty sad, pathetic thing to imagine...

Leadership is for big people...and most people are just not up for the challenge, really...everyone wants to be important...but far fewer people want to earn it...and it's not earning it that make them not worthy of it...

Progress is like crossing the English Channel...

The English Channel...at Wikipedia...

There are lots of ways to do it...the easiest likely being swimming from Dover to Calais...

There's plenty of room to flail around in the water, while you find your way...

But, ultimately, there's only way across...

Across...

Most people in life swim the channel hoping for an easier route than the hard job of just swimming it...

But...eventually...they just have to swim it...

And, luckily...in life...the way across is broad...and always getting broader...

But that is the nature of human progress...that it makes as much room for as many people as possible...

Dar Williams is someone in the music world who has earned her place more...it's not record sales that earn your way in this world...and when you hear Dar, you'll know...when you get a chance...check her out...

For those of you in snow-covered areas:):)...enjoy the snow:):):)...

Love,
Ben

On not giving up...

I'm reading Just Rose's blog, tonight...

Just Rose...Anonymous Rowhouse...

Which...if you haven't...you should...Rose really is one of the most beautiful young writers you will ever read...I mean that...she's really very good...and insightful...and she's well-loved for good reason...

She's writing about so many great things...you just got to check it out...

And she has this really beautiful post about her mom...who died when she was much younger...

Rose writes about her mom, a lot...it's really awesome...you should definitely check it out...and about dealing with the grief of having her mom pass...it's so powerful to read someone write about that process as open-hearted as Rose does...someone who is/has clearly been dealing with those feelings openly and honestly...not a common thing to do, I'm learning...

And when I'm done...I'm not just left with the feeling of reading someone who feels like a really good friend, even though I've never met her...

I realize that what Rose does...and I try to do...that so many people fail to do...

Is to take...all the pain...all the difficulties...all the hardship...

And open up her's and all of our hearts, despite all of it...

Rose's example is what true courage looks like...

It is so easy...and all so common...to face the hardships of the world...and to shut down...and stay inside one's little shell...seeking the illusion of safety in that shell...which never provides it...it just dulls one's experience of life...which can be aided by other substances...weed...alcohol...all kinds of drugs...taking it out on others...bullying others...sex...money...and all the things that money can buy...attention and fame...all kinds of shit can help fuel that illusion...and if you're really lucky...you can turn out like folks like Michael Jackson or O.J. Simpson and completely detach yourself from reality...with pretty serious consequences for you and everyone around you...

Or you can do what folks like Rose or I do...

Which is you can work at opening up...and deal with all that pain more openly...and stop rationalizing why you've been such a prick while failing to do that...

Abraham Maslow asks the question in one of his books (I think the Farthest Reaches of Human Nature)...with a picture of children when they're very young...and another picture of tired, suspicious adults on a subway system...with the caption:

"What happened?"...

And now I think I know what happens...

Some people...like Rose...they don't give up...they just keep opening up...and finding new courage to face the new day...and trying, better, to understand the world as they move through it...

And others...just kind of give up...

They just kind of lame out...and give into all kinds of cowardice and smallness...and fears and cynicism that results from all that laming out...that habit of quitting when the going gets tough...

I have so many friends like this, I can hardly count them all...

Most of my friends have never lived through something as difficult as having their mother die...or a parent die...some of my friends have...some of my friends have neither parent in their lives...

But when faced with the option of shutting down...which I know, too...because it's so damned hard to open up when something really painful happens to you...and that I've had happen to me too many times in my life to count...

Someone like Rose decides to still open up...to face the pain...the best she can...and to be strong for herself and others, authentically...not some tough, macho, bullshit strong...that fragile little bitches who are too afraid to deal with pain engage in...

But real strength...that someone with real heart demonstrates...like Rose...

Why people try to satisfy themselves with this kind of fragility and cowardice and the pettiness that inevitably comes with it I will never understand...because they're afraid, I'm sure...because they'd rather put off the pain, today, so that they can try to forget about it till tomorrow...except tomorrow never comes...because they think it's easier to just keep putting it off...smoke some weed...drink 10 or 12 beers...and try to forget about it...

Or to work as much as possible...to forget about it...maybe earn a vacation...or two...or three...to go somewhere...and try to forget all that pain...

But the nice thing about someone like Rose...is that she doesn't get stuck under her shell...not for long, at least...

She just keeps coming out...and sharing herself with the rest of us...

And if you visit her comments...you'll see that people really appreciate her coming out:)...

And that's what courage really looks like...it's not getting lost underneath all your fears and anger and hatred and pain...

Courage is facing all that shit...and yourself...and feeling all that pain...just long enough to let it go...

When I broke up with Brandi...I started studying Zen Buddhism for awhile...a great friend of mine, Dewang Dixit, invited me to a Zen temple one Sunday and we just kept going back...and I remember sitting in that temple, one day, with a bunch of other quiet strangers...and deciding, one day, that I was going to try the advice of our Zen leader...and just sit with the pain...just feel it...and not run away from it...

And I remember how painful it was...how totally, overwhelmingly painful it was...how it must have shown on my face or something...because both people beside me and the person across from me all kept getting up and walking around, some, they were so uncomfortable with whatever they were dealing with, I imagine...

And slowly...over a very long period of time...it got less painful...it was still senseless tragedy...our break-up...but it was manageable tragedy...and something I learned from...and kept learning from...and that I was, eventually, able to put more or less behind me...after many years of sitting with that pain...and keep opening my heart to...

But what I love about Rose...and I was just writing to her...

Is how she keeps sharing about it...how sharing it doesn't mean that you're stuck in it...it just means that it meant a lot to you...and you want others to know just how much it meant to you...since you can't share just how much it meant/means to you with the person who's not there for you, any more...

And how sharing it is a sign of strength...no matter how much the more fragile friends and family you have keep misindentifying it as weakness...so difficult a time do they have dealing with the pain in their own lives...and, if Rose's experience is anything like mine...who are constantly trying to get you to shut up about the painful experiences in your life...since it reminds them of all of the painful experiences in their lives that they have been so foolishly and dysfunctionally trying to forget and lose underneath layers of drugs or alcohol or work or money or sex or whatever to get them through their otherwise too often miserable existences...

Courage is not bullying people...

Courage...real courage...is what Rose does...to carry an open heart...even when it's not popular or in vogue...especially for people over 18...who waste an enormous amount of my and their energy trying to convince me that I should be just as cynical and afraid and insecure and bullshitting myself and others as they are...

I'm tired of all the hate and fear and anger dominating everything...bullying everyone all the time...I'm done with it...we're moving on...because I say so...and because it's better for us, that way...

I realize, now...thinking about Thomas Hobbes' work in a similar light...

That Hobbes is this very similar dude...in 17th Century England...who is living through a similarly fucked up time...religious warfare among Protestants and Catholics that has ravaged the country...and left only destruction in its wake...

And who is similarly saying, "Enough is enough...we are not going to keep having the same stupid, destructive, meaningless fight...we are moving on"...

And so he writes Leviathan...as the first real attempt to make a secular account of government and governing...so politics and government is not left to the religious bullies of his day...

So some alternative exists...to all that destructive nonsense...

It's brilliant, if you haven't read it...Hobbes' Leviathan...and in that historical context...it is terribly courageous...and I so appreciate the courage it took to write it...

John Locke...and Jacques Rousseau...and John Stuart Mill...and Alexis DeToqueville (someone who I think modern political theory classes should study, now, though my really excellent class with David Ericson at Wichita State did not cover DeToqueville) get it better, along the way, I think...

But Hobbes is brilliant for his time...trying to find some fundamental understanding of government...that doesn't require an appeal to anyone's God...so that some sort of political order can be established that didn't require adherence to any particular faith...Catholic, Protestant, or otherwise...

Amidst the religious and political cynicism and corresponding war and destruction of his time...

But to do that...you have to have courage...the courage to open up your heart...even when others choose to let their hearts slip and fall and remain stuck...

And Rose is the type of person who has that kind of courage...and it's pretty impressive to see it when it comes around...

Rose is someone who not only doesn't give up...but who thrives despite adversity...not using it as an excuse for not gathering that type of strength...

And she doesn't do it with any particular expertise...or ideology or political orientation, really...

She just has heart...

And in the end...that's really what matters...

Just Rose...Anonymous Rowhouse...

Check her out when you get a chance:):):)...

Love,
Ben

My Christmas dilemna...

It's just sinking in for me, now, that this is the Christmas season...

I think it's because I've been broke for a while, now...and so I haven't been able to think about buying gifts...

I'll get my first paycheck on the 15th, I believe...so I can pay off some bills...and hopefully do something...even something small...for folks for Christmas...maybe used books, again, for folks...I've got a whole bunch of books that we got at the library sale...and I got Brandi and her family books, the year after we broke up, that she didn't want at the time and hasn't claimed when I've offered them to her...so I think I can safely give them away to others, at this point...though the Wichita State hat I bought is hers...so she can claim that when she's ready...

I've been following all of the Christmas controversies in the news...watching Fox News with my uncle on Thanksgiving...and on a largely liberal chatboard I frequent, the EZBoard International Debate forum...

And...my only really important thought on the whole matter...

Do we really have to fight over Christmas?...

How hard is it, really, for us to just love one another and celebrate that love for people who do or even those who don't really embrace the meaning of holidays like Christmas and Hanukah (though High Holy Days are the real celebration in Jewish tradition, I've gathered from many years with a very Jewish family) and Kwanzaa and Solstice and any other holidays around this season?...

I told my friends on this chatboard that fighting about Christmas is like using the birth of your newborn as an excuse to fight with your spouse about what you're going to call him or her...my parents did this...twice...so lost were they in their fighting, generally...

And at some level...aren't you like...it's Christmas...it's not the Alito nomination...

Isn't there any time when we can just put aside the politics and remember why people care about the politics, so much, supposedly...

Because we care about one another...

Christians and the Pagans was the song that made me a Dar Williams fan...if you haven't heard it...this is the season to listen to it, apparently, when you get a chance...

"The Christians and the Pagans sit together at the table...finding faith and common ground the best that they were able...just before the meal was served...hands were held and prayers were said...sending hope for peace on earth...to all their gods and goddesses"...

Brandi was the best person I knew to bring people together around these holidays...she would invite all the political science students at Wichita State she knew to the political science lounge...and we would light the menorah, together, and sing Hanukah songs that I still remember and will likely sing this year, as well, as I celebrate Hanukah along with Christmas...

Forgive my lousy spelling of the English transliteration of the Hebrew...

Baruk-atah-adonai-elohanu-melak-halem-asher-kidishanu-bomitzvotah-vitzivanu-laha-vekner-shel-Hanukah

Wikipedia gives a better one...

Barukh atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melekh ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'meetzvotav v'tzeevanu l'had'lik ner shel hanukah.

Now I'll have a reference for celebrating Hanukah this year:):)...

Merry Christmas, everyone...Happy Hanukah...Happy Kwanzaa...Happy Solstice...and Happy Holidays...

Love,
Ben

Responsibility vs. control...and least possible necessary aggression...

A second snow day, today...the roads are pretty icy and snowy, so I'll be home, today, doing plenty of school-work...and cleaning house...and blogging...

Dovetailing the last two entries...and with my dissapointment with how often adults confuse control of children with promoting responsibility...which are not only two distinct things...but the one, controlling young people, often, especially in teen years, hampers responsibility rather than promoting it...meaning it is counterproductive to the important goal of promoting responsibility...

I wanted to spend a little time talking about how the legacy of control has hurt peoples' growth and development...and why people in free countries and who learn and grow in more free conditions are more responsible, generally...

The problem in more traditional and modern societies which use more control and individuals and institutions in those societies that use more control is that control gets rationalized for its own sake, even when it clearly is not promoting responsible behavior...

From the perspective of more tribal and traditional Iraqi communities...killing a girl accused of rape is the way to send the message to other girls that pre-marital and extra-marital sex will not be tolerated...seems like pretty fucked up reasoning to me...but I've heard pretty fucked up reasoning in the U.S. to explain similarly bad ideas on preventing pre-marital and extra-marital sex in the modern societies who reason that, "Well, at least we're not as bad as such-and-such society"...a pretty lame and low bar if you ask me...

And all of which obscures the legitimate issue of wanting to promote responsible sexual behavior...which is clearly not promoted in traditional societies who ignore the clearly irresponsible crime of rape (if the sex described involves a lack of consent) and rationalize the killing of a girl who is raped...or even, obviously, a girl who has pre-marital sex...

But much of the reason why folks in the United States and in the democratic world, generally...at least the Anglo and European democratic world...see this issue so differently than the members of the traditional communities who allow for "honor killings" is because we have a very different and much more functional idea of responsibility...which is premised on individual responsibility...and which can only be supported with freedom, rather than with control...

Societies that rationalize "honor killings" have layers and layers of control to prevent premarital sex...because they don't conceive of individual responsibility in the same way we do...responsibility doesn't entail freedom of individual choice, freedom of individual thought, and a more open discussion and debate about individual thoughts and choices in the same way that it does in more modern and democratic countries...

They believe, wrongly, that it is something they can control, and coerce, and make our baser human nature and mistakes of that same nature go away...which isn't possible...never has been...never will be...never has worked in the past...and why people stubbornly and perpetually think it will go away in their own generation is beyond me...except for romantic notions, that folks pretty consisently carry with them, that there really was a time, somewhere, somehow, when those mistakes were not made...or when that baser behavior did not take place...a romantic idea that is promoted by the denial and secrecy around such behavior that necessarily goes on the more closed a group, or community, or institution, or society is...

And giving people that freedom...which is necessary for their functioning...especially in Western societies that expect it, more...necessarily involves giving them the freedom to do things we disapprove of...and, sometimes...often...this is because we, ourselves, don't know how the debates and discussions about what is good and bad behavior are going to totally come out...and because we presume, rightly, that individuals have a better idea of their own self-interest than do others...and...because freedom does a much better job of promoting more genuinely responsible behavior than does control...by far...and all the indicators are in comparisons between societies, like Iraq, pre-or post-war that use more control, and societies, like the U.S., that use less control...

Which are all presumptions in a free and open society...because we are all more accustomed to that society and its presumptions than are folks in more traditional, closed, and controlling societies...

Which is what keeps them all so stuck in so many ways...

Responsibility...involves freedom...and learning...on the part of the individual...not control...

Control frustrates the learning of responsibility...because it doesn't allow for the open discussion and debate about what responsible behavior looks like...which helps promote responsibility and a better idea of what it looks like...

People do it, more, I think, the more stupid and foolish they are...and the less they like being challenged...which, at some level, is all of us...all of us...no exceptions on that one...but which challenge is just part of learning and life...especially in freer, more democratic, more modern societies...

Maybe, I wonder, sometimes, people who are more cynical about the use of power and control...maybe they just never experienced a more free and responsibility-promoting situation so they would know the difference...

But then I remember than many of my friends and family and others who believe in more control have generally gone to a public school or a public university where control is still too often used...but where it happens less than in likely any other insitution in American society, at least...

There are plenty of bad public schools, at least...and some bad public university experiences...where control is used, still, too much...

But why people come to the utterly stupid conclusion that the lack of control and the freedom in those insitutions is responsible for their own or others' failures in those institutions (a long excuse for their failures that misses the fundamental point...that they are responsible for their behavior and their lives) is beyond me...

But then...so many people use that excuse...that total failure in reasoning about their failures in school and in life...

To rationalize doing the same stupid, goddamn thing all over again with their own children...which just creates the same goddamn problem...

I see teachers make this mistake, too, some...but not nearly as much as less educated folks...

And in American and Western societies, at least...much of it does seem tied to whether people successfully learn the lesson that they are responsible for their lives and they make free choices with that responsibility...which is totally complicated by efforts to control people, which are constantly being argued against by those who do not want to seem them punished or hurt, which not only is painful for those individuals, often...and can often be a large and total waste of time...but which are, ironically, totally counterproductive to having people take responsibility for their behavior...

But we just keep doing it...again...and again...and again...

Meaning...we are irresponsible in our efforts in promoting responsibility...

And we will not be responsible for that failure...

Until we figure out...that it is our desire to control people that is what is counterproductive to our efforts to promote more responsible behavior...

And that a better idea of what more responsible behavior looks like...cannot even happen...outside of a free and open discussion and debate about what it might look like...with respect for peoples' choices, in the meantime...

I, frankly, don't know why people keep fucking this one up, generation after generation...

We know the right direction...generally...freedom...

But we just can't quite believe that it's the right direction...

Because we reason (poorly)..."Well, freedom is what allows for all those mistakes...so surely we don't want too much freedom"...

But freedom was not what allowed for all those mistakes...repression...which keeps a lid on open discussions of behavior...creates the ground for mistakes of human nature...mistakes of human nature have happened and continue to happen and will continue to happen long after all of us are dead, I'm sure...happen because of the lack of engaged, responsible discussion and learning about those mistakes...and once mistakes happen, learning can still take place...if people learn to treat them as mistakes...and work progressively toward more ideal relationships...

But...for whatever reasons...in large part because of the same repression, I think...both individually and as a community...people choose to stay stuck in their fears...and the control that comes with those fears...rather than to face them and to engage in the learning that comes with facing those fears...

And "honor killings" are just one consequence of that very long line of very poor reasoning...

It's all so goddamn stupid...and foolish...and tragic...that people just can't come to terms with the fact that people -- of all ages -- are going to do things that we and they disapprove of...give them the freedom to do so...and encourage them and discuss with them how to make better decisions...except when physical violence or force is literally involved...in which case force must be used to intervene...

And the relative degree of asshole in every culture...is based in large degree on how much or how little challenge one authentically can take and accept in one's life...

"Honor killings" reflect a culture and a community and family members who accept very little challenge, at all, to their thinking...

And there are all relative kinds and degrees of assholes from there...

And for whatever reasons...so many people...in the U.S...and in Europe...and all over the world...satisfy themselves with being less assholes than the folks who engage in things like "honor killings"...

Rather than trying to figure out what is involved with being a more thoughtful, decent person...

Why?...

Why do people...for whatever foolish reasons...see being an asshole...as some kind of legitimate alternative to being a more thoughtful, decent human being?...

I don't know...

But I watch it happen all the time...

People...especially people with less education...constantly rationalizing...why being an asshole is just a part of being an adult...or why it's the only way to survive...or why it's just the way things are...or a million fuckin' stupid rationalizations for why they're such pricks...

At some level...I think schools and universities and other places of learning...and places of employment...and other important institutions...legal, military, political, financial, and other institutions...fail people in this respect...

But...at some level...it cannot change...until people stop clamoring for more control...more punishment...which creates an environment that involves less discussion...less debate...less open airing of differences...and, as a consequence, less genuine and honest responsibility...

The only answer...is to do what is being done at places like Eisenhower...which is to raise the expectation for everyone...

And to make the discussions more free and open...by only engaging in force and control when it is absolutely needed, as much as possible...with limitations, of course, for what is possible, in the moment...not as an abstraction...but as a reality...

What gives me confidence that we'll get there...even during what I think are darker times for freedom, in so many ways...

Is that we just keep getting there...totally independent of and constructively promoted by the wishful thinking of freedom-loving peoples everywhere...

Least restrictive environment did not just come about as a principle -- that I'm learning, especially in the group homes for people with disabilities that I've worked in...and probably in special education classrooms, as well...I'm sure I have my own issues in my own classroom to look at...is not practiced as well in reality...

The principle of least restrictive environment did not just come about as a principle out of coincidence...and it certainly didn't come about because radicals in special education, like my advisor, twisted everyone's arms to make it so:):):)LOL:):):)...it came about because it became clearer, both, I think, the abuses involved with the use of force...and because of the opportunities that came with freer, more engaged, more responsible efforts to promote the learning and involvement of people with disabilities in everyday community life...and because a lot of very smart people studied and observed and debated and discussed the idea...and it just made more sense...

But it's clear to me, too...that everyone is subject to control issues that prevent this kind of engagement...including more free-thinking intellectuals and scholars...

I remember I had this conversation with a professor of mine in grad school...who was passing around a petition to ban some sort of gambling...and my professor was arguing that poor people should be prevented from gambling to prevent them from pissing all their money away...

And I'm thinking...

I've got a grandma in Wichita...and a whole truckload of family...that are not terribly rich, that's for sure...and have loved gambling, I would bet, as I have, from back in the days when they were poor...and I don't see what gives anyone the presumption that they know better how she or any of us or anyone should or shouldn't spend their own money...especially when gambling has been a really important part of my grandma's life...she's a known regular in Las Vegas, when she's able to go, these days...and since learning and playing bingo and poker and a whole load of card games are some of my favorite childhood memories with my grandma and the Sutherland family, generally...

And I've had plenty of experience with professors to know...that even though freedom of inquiry and engagement is the mainstay of the scholarly community...that it is a community with plenty of control freaks, just like any other group...not as much, at all, as in other places I've worked or spent time...but still lots of control issues operating in the often insane departmental and school politics of universities...

Which was the major issue I had -- and openly expressed -- with my advisor...which pissed him off quite a bit, as you can imagine...but which I just couldn't not talk about because it loomed so huge in our relationship...

Why can't we see that this is what fucks things up, so much of the time?...

Because we're afraid...because we have to be "right"...because we just couldn't imagine what life would be like if we weren't afraid or "right"...

Whether it's political correctness...or scholarly correctness...or legalism...or the random rules of a corporate environment or of whatever random jurisdiction we might live in or whatver...MLA...APA...standard punctuation...whatever...

Our desire for rules...and control...rather than the use and development of more sound judgment...and the open and free thought and engagement to promote that kind of judgment and responsibility...

Is just foolish...and a game that the more scared and petty and small-minded among us...keep imposing on everyone else...

And I am tired of seeing it rationalized...while those who favor more freedom to make important judgments about their lives...and who take free and open and engaged thought more seriously...quietly dissent...and openly dissent, when there is space for dissent...afraid that our dissent will be mischaracterized as endorsement of bad behavior or more irresponsible behavior...or as some kind of utopian notion that people will stop making bad choices with more freedom...though I do think that people will make better choices with more freedom...and argument that Abraham Maslow makes quite well, I think, is his work...especially in the Farther Reaches of Human Nature...

So...the important question for me...is whether we are going to continue to be drug down by the cynicism and self-fulfilling prophecy and vicious cycle of control and coercion and the imposition of will, when it interferes with individuals learning to make responsible choices in their lives...or whether we are going to finally, possibly, in this generation, hopefully, to learn our lesson...and to give it up...

Because...as far as I can tell...though most people do want to impose their will on others, in some capacity...

One thing that most people seem to agree on...is that might doesn't make right...that an imposition doesn't actually make one right...it just makes more powerful, in the moment...even though I've encountered many parents, bosses, teachers, and others who would like to make their imposed will mean the end of an argument or a challenge or a difference...

Generally...

People know...at some level, I think...that right is not decided by an imposition...that the discussion and the argument still goes on...

And it goes on...because imposition and control doesn't work...

It just takes the argument underground...under our breaths...under each others' radar screens...out of out sight and out of mind...

Why responsible people think it's better to have the differences aired -- either verbally or communicated or in actions that we disagree about -- out of sight and out of mind rather than with more open discussion and knowledge of what is being thought and done, I have no clue...

And I don't think most people who behave this way...including me...when and if I might behave this way in a classroom...know why either...I don't think they/we think much about it, at all, frankly...

Just as many of those who act more irresponsibly...which is all of us, at some level...often don't think through about why they do what they do, very well, either...

So much still to write about...that I'm just not sure that I've been clear enough, yet, about in my writing...

Why I care deeply about poverty and wealth equity, and still believe that voluntary efforts and low taxation (and if there is the possibility of a world where people voluntarily support government efforts, I think that would be best...though I agree...we have to walk carefully on that one) and community efforts are far better, more effective, and more likely to deal with serious issues of poverty and wealth equity in communities...

Why I think more decent and humane treatment of military personell, both within the military and in court-marshalling, would promote a healthier, more effective, stronger military force...

Why divorce and marriage counseling and other means of pursuing the idea of happiness and love in romantic and parental relationships is and has been good for children, including children of divorce...and how we might create stronger, more resilient, more freely-committing couples and families out of that legacy...

Why similar resiliency can be and is often derived out of economic dislocation that strengthens our ability to deal with issues in the workplace...and in our careers...

And, generally...how more genuine strength -- emotionally, intellectually, and otherwise -- is derived best with more freedom, rather than more control...

I'm reading several great books, right now...one of them is a conservative scholarly text called Posterity Lost, by Richard Gill, which was a text in a education history class I took with Dr. Ray Hiner when I was in grad school, which I recommend that folks check out...

I'm disagreeing with much of Gill's analysis, at this point...where Gill sees golden ages in history and tragedy in the contemporary American family...I see problems that have never really abetted, no matter the romanticizing of the past...and opportunity to strengthen the family...and many American families taking that opportunity seriously, no matter, I'm sure, the many well-intentioned and often well-founded doubts or concerns of folks like Gill...w

Where Gill takes for granted the freedom that has helped families face, more honestly, dysfunctionalities and issues that go unaddressed, I take that freedom and the opportunities to improve family relationships much more seriously...where that freedom shakes and challenge Gill's faith in the Idea of Progress, as he calls it (Gill argues that it is this freedom and the uncertainty that accompanies it that shakes our faith in the Idea of Progress...but I more suspect that it is Gill's faith in progress that is shaken, somewhat, by that freedom)...that same freedom substantially and seriously strengthens my faith in that same progress...

I share Gill's concerns...but I think the freedom expressed by families creates opportunities that may or may not be taken...but which create much more opportunity for such issues to be addressed within families...than ignoring them, altogether, as is the tendency without taking advantage of that freedom...

And see the most serious dysfunction...in families...and in the culture, generally...as our failure to embrace that freedom more fully...and to make more responsible choices as a consequence...

I've got stuff to do, with the rest of the day:):)...

I hope everyone is having a good day:)...and if you're in the Kansas/Missouri/snow-covered areas of the world...stay safe:):)...

Love,
Ben

Trying to figure it all out...

You know what's so great about working at a school?...

You get to see people at an age when we they all get cared about...no matter what...some less than others, unfortunately...but all of them, in general...

And I'm just trying to figure out...where adults get the notion that as of 18 or so...

We all just have to start treating each other like shit, all of the time?...

We definitely have to grow up...I definitely believe that...and I'm so incredibly frustrated with young adults and older adults, alike, who can never quite get growing up, seriously...who all often act like adolescents, rationalizing what shitheads they are, all the time...

But where'd we get this stupid notion, I constantly wonder?...

This idea that treating each other like shit...that muscling our way through most problems...works...for everyone...not just for our own selfish concerns...and the tough treatment we all receive as a adults that often leads to that more selfish outlook...

On almost every major issue I can think that we face together, right now...this is the central problem...it's the big fat elephant sitting in the middle of the fucking room...

The dumber people are...the more they want to muscle through problems they don't want to and don't know how to think through...

And the smarter folks in the world like muscling through problems, too...just less than the dumber of us...

And you watch the whole spectacle...and you're just like, "When are people going to give up the jig?"...

I don't know where people get this notion...from people treating them like shit, in all likelihood...and them wanting to take it out on someone else...

But it can't stop until people start to acknowledge it...and change the way they deal with things...

And no major problem we face, right now, will be fundamentally addressed in all the million ways that we could be addressing it or them with a more genuinely collaborative, open-ended, problem-solving way until we cut this bullshit out...

But...for whatever reasons...just stubborness, really...more than anything else...

Noone wants to cut it out...

Everyone is somehow deluded in the notion that they will eventually win whatever power gamble they're engaged in (there are power gambles we must engage in, so it's not like force is never necessary...we just need to do a far better job of judging those situations and using power when it will solve a problem and not just put off a problem until the power conflict gets resolved)...

And what's so sad about the whole goddamn thing...

Is how lost we get in it...

How lost we get in the notion that someday we'll win the power battle...

The most completely dysfunctional power battle I see in every day life is people who don't want to take life seriously at all...

They're gonna fight for their right to live as irresponsibly, ignoring all the real consequences, as they want...

And the responsible people in their lives...like me...trying to encourage them in the better direction...often futily, it seems...

It's the Lion King...trying to get his Hakuna Matata friends to start taking responsibilities to the community seriously...

And this Lion King is really tired and frustrated with so many failed efforts (along with a lot of successful ones) to lead people in a better direction...though I'm totally clear that efforts to force people in that direction frustrate that general purpose, enormously...

And there's this age...when everyone gets cared about...by someone...one person, at least, and usually many...and it's great...

And then the power battles ensue...when we start trying to force one another to be responsible...and it just never seems to end, sometimes...

Some of that being responsible we call conservative...usually, I think, this means being morally and financially responsible (though a lot of good and decent conservatives, at least, recognize that there are realities that don't always allow for perfection in these areas by most if not all people)...and responsible for the safety of others and ourselves...

And some of that responsible we call being liberal...which usually involves being compassionate and caring about others...looking out for and taking care of the least fortunate amongst us...being forgiving and merciful when people need it...avoiding war as much as possible...

And somewhere along the way...we all just get lost in this notion that being responsible means forcing others to do our bidding...and when they don't, really making them, by forcing them more...

In psychology...it's called a control issue...it's a problem for those who carry one around with them...and it is responsible for so much of what is wrong with the world, today...

I have one, sometimes...

Melissa and I, last night, were talking about how people can just blow off serious responsibilities so easily...why some people feel no responsibility, at all, to take serious things seriously...and then, how, others who do take those things seriously end up taking them all far too seriously, so frustrated are they with carrying the burden for everyone else who just won't ante up and be a part of a solution...some solution...any solution...and how, as a consequence, those people just become pawns in a world of very skilled chess players who manipulate them until they figure out how to think for themselves...

Melissa says I'm pressuring her too much...and I'm thinking...why do people have such a hard time having it sink in that learning about these important stuff in the world is important...so they can be a part of solutions...rather than easily manipulated pawns who become a part of problems, because they can't find it in themselves to be a part of solutions...

But it's clear that I'm making Melissa feel bad...and I had had the same conversation with Brandi a million times...so I back off...and say I'm sorry...

But I am also left with the same feeling I've had before...which is when you don't take serious issues seriously...you should not be surprised when noone gives a shit what you have to say when you do express your opinion...opinions are like assholes, as the saying goes...so yours is number 1,874 that I've heard today...so unless there is substance to your opinion, I don't really give much of a shit about it...and if you don't take thinking and learning about issues seriously...then you should not be surprised when you haven't learned much about them when you need to understand them better...and when I ignore your opinion because it reflects that kind of ignorance...

And yet...it is all kinds of people...more and less intelligent...political and non-political...most people, really...Melissa is an exception to this rule since she very rarely pressures for anything at all really...she's more flight than fight, which has it's drawbacks for her...

All kinds of people...who don't want to understand issues...but goddamn it if they want others to take their various random opinions seriously...and to abide by them...even if there's not much substantial behind them...or if there is more substance in other thinking about those same issues...

And all these various folks...who want to get their way...without really understanding important questions very thoroughly at all, as a general rule...want to get their way...

And not just politics...just life in general...

And they fuck everything up...and because they're not responsible for very much in their lives...they don't and won't take responsibility for anything that comes out of the way they handle things...no matter how much it fucks things up...

Some of them are poor...some of them are rich...some of them are more powerful...some of them are less powerful...

But the one thing they all have in common is that they keep making the same stupid mistake over and over again on this one...and most of them lack even what I would consider a very basic level of curiosity about how they might identify the problem...

And yet...they...we...all start out in school together...all people with others around us that care about us...

And then we go off in a million different random directions...most people both giving lip service to school as important...but generally ignoring it and all the learning and understanding it has to offer...out of arrogance more than anything else, I'm convinced...and out of their frustration with how they were treated in school...especially higher stakes school situations, like high school and college or post-secondary schools of all kinds...vo-tech...junior colleges...technical schools...culinary schools...whereever...

And yet we all started out in similar enough schools...

Some of us took school seriously...and some of us blew it off...and many of us still blow it off (it was both ironic and amusing to watch teachers blow off the in-service teacher we had the other day on discipline issues which they've all been bitching about since I got there, and yet blowing off this teacher in the very same way that they complain that kids blow them off in their classrooms...most people are kind of self-centered, I'm learning...though teachers are less so than most people I've encountered, thusfar, in this world...that's why it's so easy to be extraordinary...it just takes a little thought about others than yourself)...

But...ultimately...we all have the same opportunities to do great or not-so-great or really pretty shitty things in life...and some people choose the shitty things...and some people choose the not-so-great things...and some people choose the great things...

And the whole time I'm left shaking my head wondering, "Why do we all choose, so often, to be so goddamn petty?":):):)...does it serve us?...generally, not...is it good for ourselves or others?...generally not...

Then why?...

And the answer I'm beginning to figure out is that it seems easy in the moment...and most people want what they think is going to be an easier route...which, generally, turns out to be a harder route...and so they end up slugging it out with a harder life and having very little to show for it...

And all because they just couldn't/wouldn't think about it a little more...

It's all so sad and pathetic, I think:):)...

And all in the name of wanting to avoid being a better person...which they often try at only very half-heartedly...and taking constant pity breaks to recall (generally self-centeredly) the hardships they experienced in their chase of often terribly petty goals, along with a lot of decent goals and dreams, as well...

And I'm watching this whole thing thinking, "Why?"...

It all just seems so completely adolescent and small to me...

My religion is better than your religion...

My party is better than your party...

My ideology is better than your ideology...

My dad can beat up your dad...

It all just seems so goddamn stupid to me...

I'm not even really disheartened by it, anymore...

I'm just kind of perpetually in awe of how many variations of stupid that people can engage in...

And I'm beginning to realize that when we say that we need to look out for the stupid and foolish amongst us...

That we're not talking about a select group of us...

We're talking about all of us...me too...

We're all just a bunch of tough, stupid dumbasses (even the less tough and stupid among us) all trying to get our way...

And just as we look back on the American civil war...and monarchy...and segregation...and patriarchy...and a whole load of stupid shit...

Our progeny will be studying one day in text books...about what morons we were...always trying to get our way...always self-assured in our efforts...no matter how much we clearly fail...

I've got a driver's side window to attend to...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):)...

Love,
Ben

Progress...what it is...what it isn't...and why it matters...

Listening to: Toby Keith...American Soldier...

I just lost this really long, involved post on the problem of "honor killings" in Iraq and other traditional societies and why they illustrate, really well, I think, the principles of least possible necessary aggression...

And then I lost it all...ugh is a serious understatement, right now...

The essence of it is this, though...

"Honor killings" in traditional societies -- of female family members, of wives, etc. -- arise out of the various ways that social groups -- like the tribal groups featured in this NPR report -- try to coerce adherence to social taboos...and hence lead not only to repression of violations of those taboos, when they happen...which they most certainly do, we can be fully confident...if they didn't, there'd be no reason for the taboo...but they lead to destructive and dysfunctional responses to both the original taboo -- sexual obsession, in the case of sexual taboos -- but then also repressive means of dealing with those taboos...family shame...and in these very tragic cases, murder, to try to remove shame from the family...

It's all this very sad, very destructive vicious cycle and self-fullfilling prophecy that can only be broken with more openness and freedom...for us to deal with ourselves and each other as we are, for real...and get better, as a consequence...and to do so with compassion and a more developed understanding of the underlying issues involved...

More democratic, free, modern, Western, enlightened, open, humane...whatever the hell you want to call more free, democratic, and open cultures...they are stronger, as cultures and because of the strength of individuals, emotionally, intellectually, morally, and otherwise, because they deal with these issues more openly...and even they are limited in doing so by similar taboos that prevent more open discussion...but they do so better than more traditional societies because they understand such issues as part of larger matters of humanity and constructive approaches to relationships between them...

As Bruno Kirby and Billy Crystal remind us in When Harry Met Sally...

Jess: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry Burns: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.

There's a lot more to this...but I'm tired and frustrated that I lost that post...and I have to get to bed so I can get up at a decent hour tomorrow morning...

Have a good night, everyone...

Ben

Random daily affirmation...

I was in the middle of copying stuff, today, when I randomly happened upon a book of daily affirmations that someone had left in the copy room...

And I equally randomly open up the book to a quotation/story that is so true, I just had to chuckle:):)...

"May 21

Dear friend, theory is all grey,
And the golden tree of life is green.
-Goethe

Marcus, a gifted psychologist, is also a full professor at a major state university. For twenty-five years he has studied, taught, and written about the workings of the human psyche. Few experts are as well grounded for up to date in their field as Marcus is.
Yet Marcus's own life is in conflict. His stomach tells him so. In spite of all his credentials and qualifications, he has long-term gut-level issues that aren't relieved by research or study. For all his knowledge, he still stews in a cauldron of unresolved anger. Marcus knows enough to write a book about repressed anger and its effects, but his repressed anger continues to be a mysterious source of misery.
If life were a theory, Marcus' analytical skills could certainly unite to untie his own knots. But life isn't a theory, and principles aren't the same thing as practices. Until Marcus the man, not Marcus the professor, begins to personally apply what he knows in theory, his knowledge will do his students a lot more good than it will him. Knowing isn't doing, and it's doing that makes the difference.

I realize that healthy living has more to do with behavior than theory."

I know quite a few people like Marcus:):)...

I have a good friend who always complains about his stomach woes who should think a little bit about why Marcus has stomach issues of his own, if my friend wants some insight into why his stomach problems always persist...Marcus' problems as my friend's are almost identical, really...unresolved anger, I think, is my friend's middle name:):)...

I have a few advisors and professors, in particular -- one, especially, in particular -- who really fit the description for Marcus:):)...

My best professors were always the folks who understood their field and life, better, in practice...not just in theory...Jeannie Tramill was my favorite professor in grad school, for just this reason:):)...

And whether in theory or in practice...unresolved anger and fear and hate are the most serious impediments to human progress...sometimes in more serious ways...genocide being a classic example of unresolved anger and fear and hate...and sometimes in still serious but less serious ways...our repressed desires for revenge and exacting pain on others to satisfy a desire to hurt others that is never and can never be satisfied...

It's one of my proudest feelings in life, I think...that I'm both a pretty great theorist and a pretty great practicing teacher, as well, I think...and a pretty great guy who's stomach bothers him, some, when he thinks about it:):)...but a lot less than most, I'm sure...my anger and pain and the rest gets resolved fairly regularly...and it makes for a much more satisfying and authentic life, I think...meaning...more than most...what you see is, generally, what you get, with me...not something that I can so of most people, necessarily...though most people are still pretty good folks...which folks' might understand, better, if they knew more of much less decent and good folks in the world...

When I think about it...it's that constantly upset stomach...that I'm surprised my friend is constantly bullshitting himself about most...like it doesn't mean anything...and like it has nothing to do with how much he holds onto all the bad shit in life...just never nearly enough interested in doing the hard work to release himself from it and all the pain it causes him...

I can't think of a sadder life, really...

So much to share...I love being a teacher...I'm a pretty outstanding one, if I can say so myself:)...

The Eisenhower Eagles ladies' 7th and 8th grade basketball clobbered the Central Middle School ladies' 7th and 8th grade teams, 21-2 and 29-1, respectively:):)...

I better get home:):)...I'm getting hungry:):)...and I've got some cleaning to do:):)...

Love,
Ben

Before we were cynical...or why thought and idealism and freedom matter...

I judged my first debate tournament, yesterday, in almost 10 years:):)...

It was a great experience:)...the kids ranged from brilliant to average...but all, generally, much smarter cookies than you're average bear...

My friend, Dave Stevens, invited me out there...and I'm so glad he did...Dave and I used to compete in high school in Wichita and randomly met each other again at the David Rees presentation at the Spencer Art Museum here in town...it was great to catch up with David...we knew each other in high school...but more from a distance, from my perspective...and it was great catching up with a smart, decent guy like David and recalling old debate and forensics memories...and old D.C memories, too, as it turns out, since David and I were in D.C. at around the same time back in the late nineties...Dave worked for President Clinton and the Office of Science and Technology (I think that's right)...and I lived out there for a summer in 1998 with Brandi and worked in three temporary jobs...two non-profit...environmental construction and B'nai Brith, the longest standing Jewish organization in the U.S. with Brandi...and a for-profit...a private publishing firm, where I got to see just how much even wealthier private-sector folks often hated their jobs and their lives, too much, unfortunately...not that it has to be that way, I don't think...but, for whatever reasons, it was for these guys...

Dave and I and another successful debater in high school judged a quarter-final round that was much better than the semi-final or final rounds that I watched...two really brilliant teams...with three judges that gave them total leeway to have as smart and as strong a round as possible...and they totally delivered...it was a really tough decision...I ended up splitting -- meaning I was the lone judge on a 2-1 decision -- but it was a tough decision, all-around, I think we would all agree...and the truth was that of the teams I saw that tournament (and I saw far from all of them) the two teams in that quarterfinal round were the two best teams at the tournament...

The girl from the girl-guy team from Olathe Northwest that ended up advancing over my vote to the semi-final round was really visibly disappointed after losing that semi's round to a team that I must admit, after watching them in finals, did not seem as strong as them (though I didn't watch the semi's round, so I can't say, for sure)...

And it just reminded me of all of the million times in my high school days, in debate and forensics, in college, and especially in my adult life when something else beats out smart, which is this kind of bullshit fact of life that so many smart kids have to deal with even though they know it's bullshit...while everyone else blithely moves along acting like it doesn't matter when it clearly does because it makes them feel too bad about themselves to admit it to themselves and everyone else...the irony being that truly smart people are some of the most humble and decent people I know...and that the arrogance of less intelligent and mature people who just want what they want, whether they've earned it or not, just overwhelms the potential for a more honest and decent world...

I felt so bad for this girl...I totally identify...and most people who don't think of themselves as smart just don't understand it as well, I don't think...how insulting it is to have people who have clearly not worked as hard or thought as hard or whatever pretending that their ignorance is somehow equal to this girl's intelligence...it just makes you kind of puke, sometimes...and I totally felt for this girl and totally remember what that feeling has felt like a million times in my own life...

I've got a million friends who act like this...and it just makes me want to puke just about every time I listen to them spew their way-too-confident random bullshit that is so totally disconnected from something intelligent that you wonder why they might think that it is or would be thought of as meaningful at all by anyone else...a million prejudices...and hateful feelings...and fears...and all kinds of stupidity...that so many folks just pretend that they are prettier or smarter thoughts than they really are...it's pretty disgusting...

"Why do people oppose immigration or believe in English First, much of the time?" David and I asked together on the way to Taco Johns...

Generally...because they don't like dem foreigners...and they don't like the competition from anyone...but especially from them Mexicans...

It's all pretty fucked up, really...and it happens all the time in a million places...

We do seem to move forward, on balance...but there is a lot of slipping backwards and half-hearted forward efforts and all kinds of bullshit that people throw in our way along that path that generally has to do with rationalizing what mean, nasty, hateful, small-minded, ignorant, scared little bitches they are...

And it's just kind of this sad tragedy of life that decent people have to put up with and often be punished by this kind of bullshit nastiness, much of the time...decent people have been putting up with this bullshit since the dawn of humanity...and they'll be dealing with it for as long as I live, I would bet, as well (though I would certainly like to see the world be better than that by the time I finish my time on this little planet)...

And this young debater was just getting a very early sad taste of this fact of life for people who care more about doing the right thing -- in this case, debating intelligently -- than doing what will win rounds or get the rewards -- namely, focussing on polish over intelligence...though, as I told her after the round, I do think there are ways to do both of these things...but I can't honestly tell her that I can predict with any kind of reliability how judges are going to vote...and even good and great judges make mistakes...so I just hope she can take heart that focussing on the right things is good even when you're not being rewarded for it...

It was great, though, spending a tournament with such smart, dedicated, responsible kids as these debaters...a healthy antidote to seeing so many of their less bright, less dedicated, less responsible adult counter-parts in the real world...who often blithely blow off such values and responsibilities, so wrapped are so many of them in their own egos...

The best adults and young people at least acknowledge more honestly, when they've blown off these values...and humble themselves in their presence...and the worst adults and young people blow them off altogether, so much more important are their egos to doing good or than younger people doing better than they have done...a thought that helps me understand my relationship with my advisor in graduate school much better, when I think about it...teachers, I'm learning, to my great dismay, blow off important educational values as much as adults and young people in non-school settings...and as with other adults, the bigger problem is not that they blow these values off...it's that they keep doing it without humbling themselves in the presence of stronger values...

And it was nice, after spending so much time in the last 3 or 4 or 5 years with so many adults who so arrogantly blow off education and intelligence and thinking like it doesn't mean anything...

To spend some time with some kids and coaches and fellow judges who take it seriously...and who appreciate it...and really enjoy it and explore with it and share the recognition of its terribly important role in our lives...more independent of ego...

I've had to swim in the bullshit for the last three or four years far more than my stomach has been able to handle...and it's nice to be spending more time, these days, in a workplace that takes these values more seriously...and with folks at places like debate tournaments, where the bullshit is more minimal...and meaningful and thoughtful engagement on important issues are valued and encouraged and participated in more...

These kinds of people are the ones, more than anyone else, who lead all of us down more reasonable and thoughtful paths...to make smarter and better decisions, as a consequence...

And the last 5 years or so, at least, have been one long rationalization for why we all -- and especially the majority of us who do not identify as particularly intelligent -- why we take such people for granted so much...and why we make such stupid decisions, as a consequence...

And it was nice to spend the day and the evening before...

With people who take thinking seriously...

And are good at it...

And who don't give a shit if other people can't appreciate what effort and conviction and idealism and thoughtfulness and imagination and playfulness and creativity...go into being that smart...and making such powerful and strong arguments...to help them and me and all of us...understand the world better than we would without them...

Hanging out with these high school debaters did reinforce something really important for me, though, I have to say...

Human nature = bad?...no...

Human nature = freedom...

If you doubt that...spend about half an hour with teenagers...while you're not trying to boss them around...

Thanks to coach Jeff Plinksy and the rest of the Lawrence Speech and Debate team for letting me judge...and for hosting such a great opportunity for young people...and thanks to the really pretty impressive debaters at that tournament for letting us all marvel at your really incredible skills...these kids are going to kick my ass and the rest of their adult counterparts' asses, very soon, at some point...and thank God that they will...we need them to...no matter how many lay judges they encounter:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Happy Thanksgiving...

I had a really great Thanksgiving...

Ate and visited with with family...met up with some friends in Wichita and talked for hours:):):)......hung out with family...all my family in Wichita...my dad and step-mom, my sister, her boyfriend, and her two daughters...met up with my Grandma Miller (my holidays are all primarily spent with my dad's mom...the grandma who has totally been there for us much of our lives, my Grandma Sutherland)...played with the kids...had a great talk with my sister and her very nice, very decent boyfriend...the first nice guy that Liz has brought home, I think (I've always gotten along with my sisters' boyfriends...but Drew is authentically a nice guy...which is a refreshing and healthy change of pace for her, I think:):)...

Discussed and debated politics...which becomes more interesting the clearer it becomes how much some of my family, and lots of folks, of course, spend too much of their lives in the propaganda circles and swimming in the political bullshit:):):)...

The weekend totally grounded me...

Humble folks, for the most part...living humble lives, for the most part...and a healthy andidote to the impossible bullshit that often passes for decency that I and everyone has to deal far too much with in our lives...

My friend, Christy, introduced me to her really great husband and daughter...and we had a great time catching up...and talking...and playing video games:):)...

And watching videos of Christy and I and our friends in high school...

And the whole time I'm watching the videos, I'm thinking...we were all pretty good kids...it was really great watching us growing up...and being kids...I've never seen video of myself at this age...an age with I was very much exploring life in broader ways than I ever had before...and I was a pretty sweet kid, I think:):)...it gave me some perspective on my life...and how good a guy I've been...not always...but it gave me some perspective on what I good guy I've been most of my life...and some reason to be proud...my acting skills could have used some improvement, for sure:):)...but I was a pretty good kid:):):)...

It's nice being with people who know you and love you...it's grounding:):)...and it is nice, I have to say, to remember, that life doesn't have to be on fast-forward all the time...that life is fine and getting better...the more we work at it...but that it doesn't have to be a race to some kind of finish...no matter how much people push us or one another, as they still struggle to learn to be more decent people...

And to get some really great feedback about how much thoughtfulness really matters...and how much taking it seriously serves me...and serves all of us...

And...how it's still nice, sometimes...to just let go, for a while...and just relax and enjoy life:):)...

Some really great conversations...about movies...about education...about high school...about religion...about science...about politics...and about life...

And a really grounding Thanksgiving, overall...and a reminder about how important it is having mature people in your life who love you...as well as being loved by and loving the younger and less mature folks in your life, as well:):)...

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why I have the most bad-ass life in the fuckin' world:):):)...

I was just thinking today...as I was teaching today...and after school...

That I have the best goddamned life in the fuckin' world, I think:):)...

There's this really hot teacher at school who I think has something of a crush on me:):):)...it's so funny:):)...she's got that sly, slutty look when I first meet her:):)...and now I think she's got something of crush...she's actually the teacher I'm most attracted to, at this point, I think...she's smart...and she's real...meaning she's herself...she's not all fake smiley teacher-like...nor is she's not all bitchy...a little...but she's getting a lot better...she's just kind of smart and real...and she's getting nicer the more time I spend with in her classroom:):)...

There is no life like being a teacher...and an intellectual...I respect a lot of other options...I respect the idea of being a police detective...or being in the military...or politics...or an economist or or investment banker...or theater or movies...or a million different options...and definitely of doing non-profit work...which is still a possibility in my future, given my policy interests:):)...

But there is no life I can imagine quite as meaningful...

As teaching...and scholarship...and doing good for the world...

No better life...period...no exceptions...

Leaving school early...and going through all the shit I've gone through...and working all the joe jobs I worked out of school...

Were all really good for me, I think...

There have been too many hassles involved with leaving early than I could ever count, really:):):)...

But so many advantages, too...

I have so much more perspective on financial fears, risks and opportunities, now, than most people I know, by far...

I am so goddamn appreciative of the market...and all the opportunities it offers me and everyone, really...

I have a lot more perspective on so many of the bitches and moans that people have, generally, in their workplaces...including and especially in schools...

And most important for this job...after spending so much time with so many adults who act so poorly...especially young adults:):)...

It is a real joy to work with even the most poorly behaving kids...who, generally, are far better behaved than so many of their adult counterparts...including some of my very good and very immature friends here in Lawrence:):):)...I can't say that my kids are better behaved than Brandi...she's pretty well behaved...though I'm realizing, upon reflection, that she has some maturity issues to work through, too, I think:):):)...

It's so sad when even the special ed kids are better behaved than your friends...but it's true:):):)...

Do you realize...that at the age of 32...I have more original ideas...I have more work in front of me...I have more to offer the world...than most people have in their entire lives?...

I am a serious bad-ass:):):)...

I have been seriously challenged by at least 5 kids, now, my first three days of school...and I am invariably winning their respect...

Why?...

Because I am a serious bad-ass, that's why...

And because I don't have conflict with them except when it's absolutely necessary...and when I do...they know I mean business...

And for all of my many, many doubters and heel-biters:):):)...

Eat my fuckin' dust:):):)...

I'm headed to Wichita:):)...have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

I miss my friend...

You ever have fuck-ups in your life that stand out as the most serious ones?...

I do...

I've fucked up a lot in my life...

I've been a shitty son...and a shitty brother...and a shitty student...and a shitty teacher...and a shitty team member...and a shitty millions of things in my life...

But the one I really regret...

Was being a shitty friend...boyfriend...and then friend again...to both the very best friend I have had in my life, Brandi...and her husband, Greg...who've I've not even met...and I was shitty to him, I'm afraid...

I'm working on my on-line banking confirmation of information notice in my email...

And I decide to play Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend...

And I just realized that the one most important fuck-up that I've had in my life...was how shitty I treated Brandi...and Greg...

I was demanding...and pushy...and domineering...and too quick to conflict...

And just, generally, kind of dick...

And it is the most serious mistake, generally, that I have ever made in my life...

Most of the places in my life where I have been shitty have been around being too demanding and pushy and domineering and quick to conflict, I think...

And now that I am at a place in my life where I've gotten pretty good at being a pretty decent guy...

It just becomes so much clearer to me just how hard I was on Brandi...

I found out my grandma had a potentially terminal illness...and I need someone to talk with...because it's devastating me...and I ask Brandi, when she is in Wichita, next, to go talk with my grandma...since Brandi is the friend I have that my grandma seemed to hit it off with the best...I don't get a response...and I go off in an email telling Brandi to get just get her ass over to my grandma's house when she's in Wichita and to stop making everything about me and her and her new marriage...

I'm such a dick, sometimes...

I've been a dick so many times with Brandi I can hardly count them all...at one level...it makes sense...we did talk most days or spend almost every day together for about 5 years...and I still consider her one of the closest friends I've ever had in my life, even if we talk rarely, if at all, these days...

But at another level...

It doesn't matter...

When we're dicks...we're still dicks...and we're still responsible for being dicks...

Most people don't take responsibility for being dicks very well, I don't think...really...it's much of the thesis of my work...

So...I have a policy of no excuses...within reason...there are limits to all of our abilities...no matter how much we might want to transcend them...

I have many things I wish I could have done better in my life...

I wish I could have found a better way for Tom and I to work together during my grad program...where I could finish the program...and not always have Tom on my back about one thing or another, completely oblivious, apparently, that I might be in grad school for my own purposes as well as for the purposes that he might have for me...there's a big part of me that would like to have been more patient with Tom's impatience and pushiness and general lack of appreciation that I was in grad school for reasons bigger than his own dreams and ambitions, even, and that he needed to be humble in the face of that...and not constantly be on my ass...

I wish I could have somehow been a better teacher/role-model/whatever for my friends here in Lawrence that I'm so frustrated with, right now...to somehow get underneath whatever bullshit and cynicism and general denial of how their bullshit affects me, them, and all of our relationships...and how they're ignoring it and covering under layers of drug use did not make it go away...and was seriously hurting our relationship...no matter how much they wanted to wish it away...

I wish I could have been a better brother to my sisters and brother...and a better son to my father...and my mom...while she was with me...and even after...I wish I wouldn't have been such a dick so much of the time...I wish that I could have somehow matured without having to make so many serious mistakes as a child and a young man...

Of course...I and noone can have any of these or similar such wishes about the past come true...it just ain't possible...something that too many people have such a hard time coming to terms with, I think...

But the fuck up I wish I could take back...more than any other that I've made in my life...because it involved someone closer to me than I've ever been close with someone similarly again, since...

Is fucking up my friendship with Brandi...and being shitty to her husband, Greg...who I've never met...and who I'm sure is a good guy, given Brandi's judgment...which...while not as good as mine:):):) (I love giving Brandi shit:):):)...she's very competitive:):):)...so she hates hearing shit like that:):):)LOL:):):)...is pretty good...so I'm sure Greg is good guy:):):)...

I swear to God that I have navigated this and all of my experiences with Brandi (and everyone, really) as well as I possibly could...

But...that just seems to be life, too much of the time...

That our goals in life are perpetually just somewhat beyond our grasp...

And my goal of being a really outstanding friend to Brandi...who really has been a pretty outstanding friend to me -- not as outstanding a friend as I've been to her, of course:):):)...but still pretty outstanding:):):) -- has just been perpetually just outside of my grasp...

Anyway...

This is the fuck up in my life that I regret most...

I miss my friend...

Have a great week, everyone...

Ben

The complicated question of a pullout in Iraq...

Army Girl...

...has a really interesting set of letters that I think folks should check out...

Military folks and family members, some with members they have lost, weighing in as non-partisan as they can on the prospect of a pullout from Iraq...

It's a complicated question, I think...

My first thought...is that Iraqis need to be ready to handle the difficult security issues on their own...and Americans, like it or not, are just better prepared to deal with a whole host of tactical security issues than are Iraqi soldiers...

But the key issue that prompts discussion of an American pullout...is that public opinion in Iraq does seem to support a pullout...and has for quite a while, now, from the polls I've seen (though I totally grant that I may not have seen enough of those polls, at this point)...

The question is...are Iraqis ready to handle their own security issues...and I'm not sure they are...

But...if Americans leave...the big question is...will the insurgency die down...for lack of an American presence...

I, honestly, don't know how to answer that question...I am pessimistic about Iraqis' being able to handle security issues, on their own, as is...I'm quite confident that American military leaders are doing their best to prepare Iraqis to handle those issues on their own...and I'm quite confident that once they and their Iraqi counterparts say that they feel confident in the potential success of a U.S. pullout, that they will say so...

And I haven't heard them say so, yet...

I've heard ordinary Iraqis say that they're ready for a pullout...I've heard Democrats and some Republicans in Congress say that they're ready for a pullout...

But I haven't heard the Iraqi men and women who will be responsible for that security situation...and the Americans and others who are training them say that they are ready, yet...

If Americans leaving will get fewer people killed...then obviously it would be a good idea...

But if Iraqi military, law enforcement, and others responsible for security would be overwhelmed by an insurgency that will only shift its wrath from Americans to the coalition-alligned Iraqi government...then there is serious concern about what will better facilitate a better security situation in Iraq...

The two groups that are not being asked what they think about a pullout...whose thoughts on the situation matter most...

Are Iraqi servicepeople...and American servicepeople...especially their leadership...and others...who can give a better idea of realities on the ground...

I would definitely encourage the American people to show patience with this process until these folks can be consulted...to make security decisions that have life and death consequences for many Iraqis as well as Americans...

Have a great week, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben