Why do people do public service?

Today was one of those days that I wondered why I do public service, at all...

I've been trying to get caught up on bills that I'm behind on because I worked a job before this one that didn't pay all my bills...

I still have a student loan payment that I'm not quite sure, yet, that I'll be able to pay with my salary...I'm hoping I will, of course...but I have to see if I'm in the clear, yet, financially...

Melissa overspent her account significantly...so I have to pick up all the bills and the rent this month...

In the meantime...I can't afford a belt or shoes, right now, until I know that all the other bills are taken care of...

And the kids started to pick up on the fact that my shoes are getting kind of raggedy...they say my shoes "flap their gums" (referring to how the backs are detached from the soles)...

And they spent the whole day fucking with me about it...

I spent 18, now 32, years trying to escape poverty...only to end up in it, again...all the name of trying to alleviate it...how foolish, I am, I think...

Because the cynics are right...it's never gonna change...the world will never get better...greed will always dominate...so we might as well call it something better rather than calling it out for what it is...

I don't know why people do public service, sometimes, frankly...

Except that if they don't...it won't get done...

There's no rationale reason for me to do this work, I think, some days...

I'm in the hole, financially...I'm making very little money to make up the difference, nevertheless to start planning for my future...

Noone appreciates the people who do this work, at all, generally...they generally complain about having to pay the taxes to fund it...and they take advantage of all the services...

Public service is, perpetually...people asking for the moon...and never wanting to pay a dime for it...

People are so fuckin' shitty...

They're so selfish...and greedy...and nasty...and mean-spirited...

And they never want to face up...

And it's everyone...there's no place you can go where people aren't shitty...there's just places where you can go where people are less shitty than others...

Teaching is one of those fields...though even that field has its more than adequate share of shittiness, I'm learning...

And people always want to be more of the same...to somehow change the ugliness of their neighbors...

The futility of that strategy has just never dawned on them...the idea that they would need to be a better example of their ideals...rather than just another lecturer and enforcer has just never dawned on them...

They never learn the lesson...

It's been 2000 years since Jesus died...and enough time since the deaths of Moses and the Buddha and Mohammed and Ghandi and King...

And we still haven't learned the lesson that it was Jesus' example...Buddha's example...Ghandi's example...King's example...that changed the world...not the enforcement of their erstwhile revolutionary or conservative brethren...

There's no money in this work...there is very little appreciation, except among colleagues, which is really the only thing that makes this work worthwhile...there's all kinds of excuses from people about why they're so shitty...and why the world is so fucked up around money but there's nothing they can do about it...

I don't know why anyone does it, frankly...except...

...that if public servants don't serve the public good...who will?...

And what would the world look like if they gave people the ultimate freedom that they all seem to crave (except when they're wanting to impose on their neighbors)...no government...a world of chaos, for sure...so...instead...those same folks rationalize a world of as much government as they want for whatever purposes they want...so they can get more stuff that they want...which is how so many people live their lives...

...rather than the most minimal government oversight of peoples' lives, possible...to promote the self-governance of a citizenry...both as individuals...and as communities...

And that is this long, perpetual, seemingly unchangeable fact of human history...

People wanting freedom for themselves...to encroach as much as suits their fancies and their immediate passions...on the freedoms of their neighbors...with more self-centeredness driving that desire...than a genuine and deep commitment to improving the human condition...

And public servants are often just trying to quietly do good (sometimes not so quietly)...amidst the chaos of irrational and self-centered thought and behavior that animates the human experience...

As bad as it sounds...I can't think of anyone, anywhere, right now, who I think of as a better example for how to live a life than my own, right now...not anyone that I can think of that I would want to follow, right now...

King's example inspires me...Ghandi's example inspires me...in many ways, the examples of great scholarly leaders inspire me...Joe Nye...Amartya Sen...Abraham Maslow...

Others have influence and inspire me in more minor ways...

But most people leave me a little underwhelmed, frankly...

Most people either take advantage of me, personally, or take advantage of people like me...they have more and less ugly and more and less legal ways of doing that...but they do it...and there often seems impugnity in the way they do it...the excuses they have...the lack of conscience they seem to have for it...their lack of concern for others than themselves...

I long, so often...for someone...

Some mentor...some friend...some fellow traveler...

To challenge me...to guide me...to have wise words for me...

But fellow travelers with wisdom...rather than just more narrowly-relevant information...

Are just so rare...

And many foolish and stupid people fancy themselves as smart and wise, I'm learning...it's this terribly dumb and cowardly and often dangerous conceit on their part...too afraid to look at themselves, honestly...

Some day...and this is from my heart...

Some day...I'd like to meet someone, again...who makes me think...

I want to think...

"Goddamn...they have a lot to teach me...they have a lot of wisdom to share...they have a lot to enlighten my life"...

I haven't had that feeling in a very long time, really...except when I read great authors...like the guys I mentioned before...or maybe if I see something extraordinary...like the woman who directed the documentary we just saw, Born in Brothels...and who helps these kids learn photography...and to get enrolled in schools to help them escape the pressure to prostitute themselves, as well, as exists in many of their lives...someone with a deep commitment...that is inspiring...and teaches something in and of itself...

Some days...as you can see...I think it's never going to change, either...

And some days...like the day when the kids fucked with me all day about my fuckin' shoes...

I have no clue, whatsoever, why I do this work...

I really don't know...

Who is it that I'm so impressed with that I want to go to them and say, "Look at how wise I am for caring for the needs of the young and the selfish and the foolish...even as they shit all over me like I'm just some fuckin' rag doll...to be used up for their self-centered purposes...and thrown out when I don't do anything for them, anymore...or when they can escape the confines of school, as is the case for teachers"...

What reward is there in doing work like that?...

There's not much financial reward...and...on days like this...there's very little psychic reward, as former California governor Jerry Brown so famously opined about teachers...

There's just a bunch of shitheads...expecting other people to do the heavy lifting for them...for as little as they can possibly get away with paying them...and definitely as much as they can get away with taking them for granted...and otherwise taking advantage of them...

And who won't even fuckin' explore ways of changing the situation...to free it up...to make it better...so lost are they in their pettiness and their fears and their rationalizations of that pettiness and those fears and the greed and other ugliness they don't want to give up...

Because...for a million different stupid, self-centered reasons...

It makes them feel too bad to even consider that things might need to change...and that change might mean being more responsible for all the shit that needs improvement...

So politically active folks don't trust people to be responsible (largely because they don't trust anyone to know what's best for people except for themselves)...and citizens don't trust their government to do any good (largely because they never took the time to put themselves in the shoes of their leaders...because doing so means taking responsibility in a way that they've just never considered before)...

And everything just gets kind of fucked up amidst this madness...

What is so wrong with humanity, right now, that we wouldn't even think very seriously, at all, about being mature and responsible and thoughtful and decent than all this?...

That so few of us can look at the situation we are in and say, "Surely, there's got to be a better way"..."Surely this is not all that the human race has to offer"...

Why in the fuck would we settle for such low expectations?...

Of ourselves...of humamity...of life...

Because we're too cowardly to imagine something different?...

Because we're too satisfied with being shitheads all the time?...

Because we're too lazy to do the work that is involved with making things better?...

Because we just don't give much of a shit, at all...for ourselves...nevertheless for others...

I don't even know what to say, anymore, except that I know we can do better...

We just, generally, don't want to...

It's not a matter...nor has it ever been...that we can't be better, as individuals and as a human race...

It's that we often...if not generally...just don't want to...

We feel complacent about our current lot...and simultaneously and perpetually unhappy with it...never really noticing the contradiction...or just how unhappy we are...so lost are we in our cynicism about committing to something of purpose that might make us more profoundly happy...

And cynicism is not reality...it's a romantic idea of life...that goes sour...and the disappointment that is left over from that unrequited love...that we never let go of...

It's funny...Joe (Nye) always, somewhat cynically...refers to soft power as "seduction"...as the ability to get what you want by attracting others...

But I think a more genuine soft power...is found on the other side of seduction...

It's found in the often mute and only flickering hope of real love...that so often has escaped us...and the reason why we settle for seduction, in the meantime...

It's in the hope of the jilted boyfriend...wanting more than seduction...and seeking a greater love than the one he found before...

Because if it's not found in there...and the cynics are right...it's not found at the barrel of a gun, either...

It's just not found...anywhere...

There's plenty of guns...and plenty of harshness...and plenty of long prison sentences...and plenty of police...and plenty of military force...and plenty of ass-beatings...in the world, today...

And if we can't lift ourselves up...as individuals...and as a human family...

Then there's really no alternative, at all...

There's just this shitty lot of people...trying futiley to make themselves better than they really can be...because they really can't help it...or have a genetic predisposition...or it's in their nature...or whatever millionth excuse that people have for being so goddamn shitty...

It's really just hopeless, is what it is...

And we all might as well get used to it...

I hope that isn't true...

And I don't think we'll be able to function...or would be able to function...if it is/was...

Maybe my teachers were right...

Maybe I should have opted to be something else...and not be stuck in the dead end that teaching is for anyone wanting to be treated with any level of equity or decency...

Because for the life of me, today...

I can't figure why anyone does public service...

...for such a perpetually ungrateful public...that persistently take them for granted...

For the love of it?...

Bah humbug...

Love,
Ben

I learned an important lesson, today:):)...

I had a really great, but tense, experience, today...

We had an I.E.P. meeting on a student, today...and I got really upset with how a counselor -- who I actually really trust...in fact, I trust her more than I do most people in the building -- made what seemed to me to be a comment that indicated an assumption of bad faith on the part of the teachers, involved, and me, in particular...

We had some open confrontation about it in the meeting...she was trying to depersonalize it...I was offended because I felt like I had earned my trust...and I wanted to know why she was framing the issue we were dealing with as an inadequacy on the part of the teachers involved, rather than taking their very straightforward feedback that this kid was acting like a little shit and needed to take responsibility for his behavior, even as teachers are responsible for how they handle his misbehavior...

Now...I have to say...all in all...

Part of the reason I really respect this counselor...is because she's not easily satisfied with how anyone does their job...her challenge was also largely substantive in a way that I very much appreciated...she had ideas for improving the situation and this kid's behavior...she got us focussed on ideas...and she was steering the meeting, generally, in a good direction...to keep this kid in as mainstream a situation as possible so he can learn to function like any other kid in the various situations that life presents...

She cares about these kids more like they were her own...as do I...which is what I respect about her...in addition to the fact that she is real...she's herself...which demonstrates a confidence, to me, that demonstrates that she has reason to believe that she should be confident in herself and her own thinking...things I very much respect...

And so, after venting to a colleague, I took my issue to her...and we hashed it out...fairly honestly (there are other issues that we both know are also going on...I'm attracted to her...and I don't think I've been shy about that, though I've also tried to treat her, with it being the clearly higher priority -- even as I am not-do-subtly coy about my attraction -- like the very competent professional that she is, as well...and we stayed largely focussed on the issues that counted)...

I realized in that conversation...which was really healthy and really great to have it...to have our conflict openly with one another (another reason I trust her...because I know I can do that with her and she's not easily scared/offended by open conflict as some people can be)...

How important it is...if you really want to earn someone's trust...to have those heart to hearts...to be as completely open as possible...

I have some close friends that I clearly have outstanding issues with, because we're not talking, right now...

In all three situations that I'm thinking of...those friends have cut off the communication...they're close friends...and I love them...and care about them...but I can't do a damned thing as long as they won't talk with me...

Part of it is that two groups of them, at least, are angry with me...the other of the three is Brandi, and she's just wanting to leave me behind, I think...as much as that hurts...

Some of the issues are petty...some of the issues are not so petty...but the bottom line is that I've taken responsibility for my mistakes in all the situations as best I can, I think...in one I've expected that one of my better friends take responsibility for his behavior...

But what's missing, I think...after today's confrontation and resolution...

Is the honest no-bullshit conversation...in both situations, I've hinted at the need to have the conversation...for me to apologize face-to-face...and to let my friends do whatever...apologize...not apologize...whatever...

But now we're not talking...any of us...

And none of that is due to me cutting off communication...

One situation involves a charismatic friend...that has become a stand-off...with this friend convinced of his right to bully his way through situations...that he needs a serious ego-check on...

And the other involves a charismatic friend...not being completely fair to me...I don't think I've been completely fair with him, either...but I have written in this blog in a way that better explains my thoughts and feelings...I would welcome the opportunity to do that openly with him...but I've never had the opportunity...and now that opportunity has been shut-off...

There's one level at which I think...

Fuck 'em...they don't want to talk about it...then they weren't good enough friends, in the first place....

Same with Brandi...she has to cut off communication with me to keep her marriage safe...first of all, her marriage is on some pretty shaky fuckin' ground, if that is the case...and second of all...fuck 'er...she wasn't a good enough friend, to start with...

The tough part is that all of these folks are some of my closest friends...or were...

And now...I'm left with two options...

Just not giving much a shit what these losers decide to do with themselves...

And caring that we do whatever it takes to be friends, again...

But being friends with me means having integrity to me, too...

And that, as much as anything else, is what all of these friends have in common...

That they are running away from that kind of integrity...because it makes them feel bad about who they are...

And so...they stopped talking to me...

So they wouldn't have to face how bad they feel about who they are...

Pretty fuckin' lame, if you ask me...

And a test, I suppose, of just how strong I am...as a friend...as a man...as someone who is committed to loving them unconditionally...for real...no bullshit...

Which is a test that I will pass with no exception...

Because that's who I am...a man who is committed to loving people unconditionally...for real...no bullshit...no matter what...

But each of them has treated me pretty shitty, in the meantime...and I think I'm owed something of an apology for that, too...

Even though...I also just want to have the honest conversations...the no bullshit conversations...to make our relationships whole...

A friend at work said, once, that some people...a lot of people, I think...all of us, really...

Have to learn some lessons the hard way...and there's no telling someone to do or think differently...until they've dealt with the harsher realities...

That's definitely been true in my life...and I'm sure in everyone's life...though many of the harsher realities were far harsher than was necessary or helpful or even in my interests, at all...

And I'm pretty convinced...at some level...that that is what my friends have to go through, at some point...

I hate it...I hate that people can't just ante up...and take responsibility...and be decent people to you...especially when you've invested as much in them as I have invested in these people...

But often they won't...I've done it, too...so I understand...

But it hurts...when you lose touch with them because of it...

It especially hurt with Ms. Fisher...who promised she wouldn't end our friendship...and who, for all practical purposes, has...even though she promised she wouldn't...I'm learning not to trust Ms. Fisher's promises...or at least the hard ones to keep...but those are the most important ones to keep, now aren't they?...

I think having the honest conversations that we need to have would be helpful...after having the conversation I had, today, with our school counselor...

And it hurts me a lot, really...that my friends would rather just give up the friendship...rather than have the tough, honest conversations...that would just make us stronger for having them...no matter what...no matter what we have to work through, in the context of unconditional love...at least, unconditional love on my part, at least...even if it's not reciprocated...as long as I'm not hurt beyond emotional hurt, in the process...or as long as I get to hit back until I've beat some serious ass that leaves no question of what consequences follow a physical fight with me, in the case of physical hurt...though, who knows...I might even take a few hits...

I just want to bring my friends in from the cold...
and come in from the cold, myself...

And give us all more heat, for the winter, as a consequence...

Today's conversation reminded me of how important that is to do...

There are just unspoken truths that animate our lives, I think...unspoken realities that live inside of us...and that we just don't share, very well...not well enough, at least...

How much we love a person...how much we're angry with someone...how much we envy someone...how much we respect them...how much we need them in our lives...how much we miss them...how much we're sad when they're gone...how much we hate them...how much we're scared of them...

How much we wish that they would just learn to read our hearts and minds...so that we don't have to have the tough conversations...

Which are really where the most important courage in life is at, isn't it?...

In the tough conversations...

I've never had anyone teach me how to have those conversations...

I suspect the same is true of my friends...

But somehow...we've got to learn how to have those conversations, together...

Because this not talking with one another because we're too chickenshit to be grown-ups and be honest with each other...is for the fuckin' birds...who needs it...

I'm tired of all the rough edges around life...

I'm tired of not being able to trust people...as much as should be able to...because I know...deep in my heart...that I can...and they know...deep in their hearts...that they can trust me, too...

I want that kind of trust...that kind of love...in my life...I want those hard edges smoothed by friendships that leave me feeling safe in this world...safe more for real...and not just based on faith...

I want the rough edges...the mistrust...the defenses...the walls...

The fear...

I want that fear to go away...

Slowly...honestly...for real...with real trust...and not just faith...

I want real friendship...real intimacy...with all my friends...not the naked-in-bed fucking kind of intimacy, obviously...I mean, closeness...friends who are tight you could never unravel them...friends that would do a hell of a lot more than just take a bullet for you...friends who take the edge off...

Not just because the stronger friends look after the friends gaining strength...

But because all of them aspire to be stronger...so that they're strength is reinforced by everyone...not dissipated because some sap strength...rather than developing it...and sharing it with everyone else...

I want friendships where everyone is strong...for real...and sharing it with everyone else...

Because my strength...like all of our strength...is limited...

And I need everyones' strength I can help nurture...and develop...and lead with...as equals...

To make us all a stronger team...

Hope your week is going well...

Love,
Ben

Safety...

I'm watching Eternal Sunshine for like the ten-billionth time...Melissa got it for Christmas...so it's not like we have to return it, anywhere...and the scenes of intimacy that Joel is trying to hold onto are just so precious and touching...

It's both strange and appropriate that I should be so love-longing on Martin Luther King day...it was something I was so proud of in Brandi's and my relationship...that we were both so eager to do good...especially around race and poverty...King's biggest issues...

I don't think I've ever met someone who was so eager to do good...on race or poverty or any issue, really...since Brandi...

I always said, when we were together...that it was something that we created together...that didn't exist independent of each of us alone...it was an idealism nurtured in our love and our friendship...

And I've never quite seen anything like it, since...anywhere...

It's this priceless moment in time...that's more valuable to me than anything else I might do or have...

What I love about these scenes in Eternal Sunshine...and the whole movie, really...

Is the feeling of safety that these two feel with one another...in a world that otherwise seems kind of cold and scary...

Other than the feeling I had as a kid with my mom...I've only had that feeling two times, before, in my life...that feeling of such total love...with Jenny...my first real love...

And then the second time...

I've only felt it once in the context of growing up and surviving in the big, bad city...in Washington, D.C...I don't think I need to say her name, anymore...

I feel more confident and self-assured and safe, of my own accord, these days...

But I miss that sense of vulnerability...and the sense of safety in the presence of someone who loves me in that way...

I miss it...

I miss having someone inspire me to new heights like that...pornography often doesn't even do much for me, these days...I miss that kind of unconditional love so much...

I've been practicing being more resigned, these days...

More resigned that Brandi and I will never be friends, again...more resigned that people close to me will expect less of themselves...or that I won't find someone to be close with who dares to expect more of themselves...

Maybe...I say to myself...maybe if I don't try so hard...others will try, more, with me...

I don't mean to intimidate people, if I do...I just care about this stuff that much...

But I am a little tired being treated like a pariah by some folks when I just want to have my own mind...and I don't want to be reigned in by folks who haven't earned my trust or respect enough to venture something so arrogant...

But it is lonely...trying to do good...in a world where so many people my age and older or so cynical about whether good can be done...and about the good being done...

Half the beauty of my relationship with Brandi...was having someone to be that vulnerable with...in the big, bad world...and to dream of a better world...and to work, together, and think, together, and talk, together, about how to make that happen...

There's a lot of truth in the line in Good Will Hunting...where Robin Williams is talking with Will and he's saying, "Who do you share your soul with?"...or something to that effect...

And Will (Matt Damon) is listing off names of authors like Nietzsche and John Stuart Mill...

And Robin Williams is like, "But none of those people are alive, Will"...

And that's how I feel much of the time...

The people I commune with are Joseph Nye...and Martha Crenshaw (the really brilliant terrorism expert I've been reading)...and Amartya Sen...and Abraham Maslow...

But they're in books...they're all alive (except for Abraham)...but Robin Williams' point was that they weren't flesh and blood...they were in books...

And I miss communing with someone flesh and blood...

It's what I love about movies...the ability to watch people commune in flesh and blood...in something like real life...

You just can't find that in books, often...at least not in non-fiction of the kind I like to read...To Kill a Mockingbird and Billy Budd had that effect for me...but the movies also brought to life what I read in the book in a way that the book could never completely do on its own...

Kirsten Dunst's character in the movie quotes Alexander Pope...it's the quotation that is the basis for the title of the movie...

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"...

So I'm practicing resignation...

"This is it," Clementine says, referring to the memory of the day Joel and Clementine first met...as it's being erased...

"I know," says Joel...

"What do we do?" says Clementine...

"Enjoy it."

It's brilliant how director, Michael Gondry, and writer, Charlie Kaufman, set all these scenes in extreme weather...

To bring to life just how safe Joel and Clementine feel in each other's presence...

Like nothing can hurt them...

I want that feeling again...

Not once do Clementine or Joel mention how much money either of them make...or will make...or any of the million stupid distorted priorities that so many older folks have, having lost touch with that kind of love and idealism...

Martin Luther King day is the appropriate day for me to long for that...

Because it was our mutual idealism that made Brandi's and my relationship so special...

And makes me miss it so much...knowing that it is only this kind of shared idealism...that I will ever call love in the future...

I remember walking and driving and talking and fighting and loving on the streets of Washington, D.C., the same way these two love one another in the streets of New York...

There's no price you can put on that...

That feeling of safety...

Why people settle for anything less...I'll never know...

Everybody's gotta learn sometime...everybody's gotta learn sometime...everybody's gotta learn sometime...

Have a great Martin Luther King holiday, everyone...

Love,
Ben

A lazy day...errands...cleaning...great reading...great movies...

It's nice...

I went to return movies, tonight, at my favorite little local movie house/rental place, Liberty Video...if you're ever in Lawrence, this is the place to rent movies...

My friend, Matt Toplikar, works there...and we can talk movies with someone who loves them as much as me while I find really great titles...

Tonight, I picked up three great documentaries...Born into Brothels, The Corporation, and Trembling Before G-d (I'll have to describe them later)...

While I'm in Liberty...Matt's got Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind playing...which I've watched like 5 times already this week, remember...it's near the end of the movie...when Joel is going through all the really special memories with Clementine that he won't have anymore after his memory-erasing procedure...he's hired the memory-erasers to do their thing, he doesn't want the procedure anymore, but he can't wake up to stop it...so he's trying to hide in buried memories, only to happen on really special ones with Clementine that he's making peace that will be lost when he was awaken...

It's the saddest part of the movie...

When I've watched Eternal Sunshine in the past...my own feelings have always been really at odds with the movie...I've always thought of Brandi, of course, when I've watched the movie in the past...but I've never quite watched the movie as resigned about the situation with Brandi -- at all levels -- as I do today (we don't talk, anymore)...

And, so...for the first time...I'm starting to watch the movie with the same kind of resignation with which it's told (though, in the movie, they get back together at the end)...

And it's kind of nice...

To just be able to feel the same feelings that Joel is feeling there at the end...

That feeling of resignation...and a sweet reflection on bygone memories...

It makes me cry...

But not in the same way as before...I cry, now, with more of the same resignation that Joel feels in his memories...

I don't even try to remember Brandi, anymore, truth be told...I kind of try not to, any more...though sometimes I can't help it...during a more vulnerable moment watching Eternal Sunshine, thinking about how much Kate Winslet reminds me of Brandi...or vaguely when I'm looking for spiritual company during the Martin Luther King holiday...

But I try not to, these days...

And when I cry...I cry out of a quiet, genuine sense of resignation, now...the same way Beck sings that song for the soundtrack...

...everybody's got to learn, sometime...everybody's got to learn sometime...everybody's got to learn sometime...

When I have my memories of Brandi, now...I know that a lot of people don't want to hear them...so I can't always share them...

But Charlie Kaufman has reminded me...

...that at least I have them...

So even though they just kind of rest there in a kind of vulnerable part of my heart...at least I know where to find them when I want to spend some time with them...

Enjoy the day off, if you got it...

Love,
Ben

Erasing the past...

I saw this article, tonight, on AOL...

'Trauma Pill' Could Make Memories Less Painful...

It's a brave new world...forget all that pain...forget your past...all that pain from the past...a world without pain...a world of perfect happiness...a world that doesn't exist...

Tonight, Melissa and I watched the The Trials of Henry Kissinger...a powerful movie about the Kissinger years...it features interviews with Henry's harshest critics and his biggest defenders...and it is powerful stuff...

Henry's legacy is a complicated legacy of a committed and often stubborn anti-Communist who stepped over important lines to fight the scourge of Communism...there is evidence and testimony from people directly involved that Henry prolonged the Vietnam War in concert with the Nixon Administration, undermining peace negotiations being engaged by the Johnson Administration...that he gave a tacit nod of approval from Washington of the Suharto government in Indonesia to invade East Timor and essentially engage in genocide on the East Timorese...and, most serious of the accusations, that Henry authorized American intelligence officers to coordinate the overthrow of the democratically-elected Socialist leadership Salvador Allende in Chile, a coup that was initiated with the murder of Chilean general Rene Schneider, a general committed to upholding Chile's democratic constitution who was gunned down by CIA-authorized agents in the effort to remove Salvador Allende from power...

The movie is a pretty damning critique of Henry's many serious policy and moral failings as Secretary of State...and raises questions of war crimes...

I spent most of the first half of the movie defending Henry, to Melissa, against what I believe are vindictive and dishonest charges of war crimes against Henry...even as I very much agree that his political and policy mistakes cost many, many lives, unecessarily, in Vietnam, Cambodia, and Indonesia...and as I very much agree that authorizing the kidnapping which led to the murder of Rene Schneider to topple the Allende government was clearly wrong, anti-democratic, and resulted in the murder of a decent and honorable man to further the undemocratic ends of the Nixon Administration and Secretary of State Kissinger...

The last charge is the most serious...and the one that must/should rest on Henry's conscience the most gravely...Henry made a decision in Chile that likely led to the murder of a decent and honorable Chilean general upholding his country's constitution to honor the results of a democratic election, no matter who favored which candidate and which ideology to win that election...

As Seymour Hersh ends the movie, "I do think that somewhere down deep that he knows what he was doing. He knows that it was against a lot of first principles. Which is why so much is masked and hidden, and there's so much distrust. It's a very, very sad way to go through your life. Whatever he did, whatever he accomplished, I'm not sure it's worth it. Because he had to live a lot more years. You know, he's been out of power for a long time, you know, 25 yearsm now. In his own way, the reason I don't worry about war crimes or anything else, he's got his own sentence. He's got to live with himself."

The mistakes Henry is accused of making, all three of the ones discussed in the movie I agree were policy mistakes and mistakes of morality and conscience, I don't think Henry should go to prison for...there isn't evidence that Henry intended for Schneider to die...though, as Christopher Hitchens points out (a rare time that Christopher Hitchens and I agree about Henry Kissinger) in a criminal case, murder in the course of kidnapping is an aggravating offense...not a defense...it is an offense that Henry is likely guilty of...though it is not an offense that I want him to be imprisoned for...

I don't believe that he is a threat of future murder or violence...and he is very likely sorry for what he did...I do think he owes a lot of apologies...to the family of Rene Schneider...to the families of the hundreds of thousands of Cambodian people that his and President Nixon's policies unnecesarily slaughtered...and to the families of the tens of thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese who lost their lives when the war was prolonged just as it was reaching a peace deal in 1968...

I don't know if we'll see those apologies before the end of Henry's life...and likely not as long as criminal proceedings hang over his head...

But one thing I am totally clear about is that the cycle of cynicism that animates this kind of ugliness and rationalizations for such terrible policy and political calculations will not end with the ascendancy of liberals cynical about past matters that pose no future threat...

I do think a process of truth and reconciliation, as has been initiated in South Africa and other nations, in Chile, to help that nation heal from the crimes of right-wing dictator Augusto Pinochet, in Indonesia and East Timor (a process that is already being engaged in East Timor, to my knowledge) from the genocide that occurred there, in Cambodia and Vietnam, for whatever pain still remains there from the bloody wars fought on their soils, and within the international community around a whole slew of situations where forgiveness is a better option to more vindictiveness -- where people involved pose no current threat -- would be a better alternative to an international criminal trial, pressure for the latter which will likely make an apology and healing far less likely...

Henry's case does illustrate just how cynicism too often makes us more like the very people we fear and hate...and how long we can go on rationalizing our fears and hatred and cynicism...and the harm that occurs, as a consequence...

But I have very little confidence that vindictiveness with Henry Kissinger will serve any purpose at all...and would do much harm to America and everyone involved...

I've had many people hurt me over the course of my lifetime...most people I know have hurt me in some way...some with more cynicism and mean-spiritedness than others...

And I know...that though I am concerned not to let the hurt happen again, if possible...and if serious enough...

That forgiveness is the only way to handle such hurt...

No matter what we may go through...no matter how serious...wise judgment as much as a concern for the crimes committed must guide how we handle such situations...

And I think the wisest judgment with Henry Kissinger would expect both forgiveness...and apologies from Henry...for the people he has hurt...and often for whom -- in more and less good faith -- he has been responsible for their deaths...even in a noble cause of opposing Communism...

What a sad legacy for a public servant to leave...

And what a proud legacy of forgiveness that President Clinton wisely counseled the country to adopt in his moving eulogy for President Richard Nixon...

Desmond Tutu has written extensively about the need for forgiveness in such situations...to prevent fresh rounds of recrimination...in this case, political recrimination...in more serious cases, violent recrimination...

There is only one way out for liberals and conservatives around mistakes of the past...only one way that leads us in a direction of genuine and constructive responsibility for the future...

And that is forgiveness...

It is the only way through...

During the religious wars of the 17th Century...Thomas Hobbes watched as his own home country of Great Britain was engulfed in civil war in a country lost in its recriminations between Catholics and Protestants and the various political groups that represented them...

And it was his commitment to a world without religious warfare...which inspired modern secular policy thought...and the secular world, with all of its security and its freedoms, that you and I take for granted today...

And 21st century America and the world must find a way through the fog of power battles which cloud our judgment and leave us lost in recrimination...lost in a way that often obscures and prevents better policies from being adopted...all in the name of a satisfaction that can never come from revenge...

I read a good portion of Robert Kaplan's Imperial Grunts, this afternoon...it was an interesting read for anyone concerned with how the American military looks on the ground around the world...and an interesting if rationalizing history of American military ventures against Native Americans as Americans expanded West...

Kaplan's book is both badly reasoned, as he fumbles through a terrible defense of the idea that American empire exists, currently -- an idea that Kaplan shares, ironically, with more mindless anti-war activists, and which is sloppy intellectually, on its face, and is soundly rebutted by Joe Nye in his book, Soft Power -- and that it is America's only defense against the anarchy on the edges of civilization...

The distinctions between America in the 21st century and 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th century British, French, Spanish, Portugese and other empires, as well as Roman, Persian, and other various empires of the past are pretty important and not-easily-overlooked distinctions...

The major distinction being a lack of commitment to conquest or colonization by the American military, despite being based around the world and despite the many excesses and abuses of the use of military force by American administrations and any engaged in by servicemembers...

I ended up buying Joe Nye's Soft Power so I can stop borrowing it from the library...and since I learn something new in every read...as well as a really excellent collection of essays on terrorism called The Origins of Terrorism: Psychologies, Ideologies, Theologies, States of Mind, collected and edited by Walter Reich, which is a fascinating exploration of the motivations and psychologies of terrorists and their political supporters...both of which I'll be reading for quite a while, I imagine...

The contrast between Joe's book and the essays in the Origins of Terrorism and Robert Kaplan's anti-intellectual nonsense, supplemented by some fascinating descriptions of U.S. military missions around the world, is stark...it's the contrast between careful analyses based on big ideas and an anti-intellectual, small-minded, ugly rationalization of America ignoring the consequences of its decisions on others...

A more interesting contrast I noticed while I was at Borders...was between Kaplan's book and Thomas Sowell's book, A Conflict of Visions...the major difference between conservative Thomas Sowell's book and conservative Robert Kaplan's book being that Sowell takes ideas seriously...whereas Kaplan arrogantly disregards ideas and those who develop them out of a conceit that only a hard-nosed journalist like himself, and his hard-nosed military companions, can truly understand policy on the ground...it's a foolish and ugly conceit...and it happens to be wrong...and arrogance in one of its basest forms...

So I ended up buying the two best books I encountered (other than Taylor Branch's newest release, At Caanans's Edge: America in the King Years, 1965-1968)...Soft Power...one of the most brilliant books on the use of force and authority, especially by governments in an international context, of any I've ever read...and Origins of Terrorism...one of the strongest collections of analyses of terrorism that I've ever encountered...

I do recommend that anyone who might rush to judgment of Henry Kissinger that they read some of his books...Diplomacy and Does America Need a Foreign Policy? are the two that I've studied...and at least three others, A World Challenged: Fighting Terrorism in the Twenty-First Century, The Necessity of Choice: Prospects of American Foreign Policy, and Ending the Vietnam War: A History of American's Involvement in and Extrication from the Vietnam War, that I would love to take some time with, at some point...

But...at this point...Soft Power and the Origins of Terrorism will be enough for me to consider...

It is remarkable to me the conceit of those who would make policy without considering better and best ideas to avoid and work to resolve problems in the future...nevertheless work on developing them...

Just as it is remarkable for me to imagine the conceit of my 6th grade student...disregarding the assassination of Martin Luther King in the cause of civil rights and basic human rights...

Just as it is remarkable for me to listen to so many people I discuss politics with about there being no need for forgiveness as either a part of their own personal morality or in public life...

As if a genuine morality could ever be detached from forgiveness or compassion or concern for others...and the wisdom and understanding that is derived from that forgiveness and compassion and considering the perspectives of others...

The policy world and the world of politics and public life is full of rationalizations for a lower standard for human conduct...for a more meager and petty morality as a standard for public life...

But the best that the policy world, and the world at large, and that our humanity has to offer is bigger than that lower standard...that rationalization of our basest impules...that more meager and petty form of self-righteous morality...

It takes a lot for me to forgive the persistent excuses of those who rationalize their ugliness in the name of morality or wise policy or any number of poorer standards for our own conduct...

But I do it...as often as it needs to be done...until we are done with this terrible legacy...that so hinders us...keeps us looking backwards...keeps us stuck in the past...keeps us from making needed course corrections in policy-making in the moment when those course-corrections are needed...and maintains all the same cycles of recrimination and power battles that prevent the development of more sound policy, both in the world of everyday politics, and in the world of scholarly policy thought, as well...and in the world at large...

And it is a standard that I hope will be elaborated and expanded by as many as possible after I've ended my commitment to public and higher purposes while I'm still around...

But...in the meantime...I won't settle for a lower standard...no matter how many excuses I hear for one...

Aggression should be used as little as necessary and possible...and everything else is a rationalization of our failures when we use it...

Including...in Henry's case...when we use aggression in a way that costs the lives of hundreds of thousands of people...in some cases, leading to deaths that we are more culpable for than others...

It is the only standard for the use of force that is genuinely concerned for those we use force in the name of...and that takes seriously the freedom that efforts to promote security are meant to protect...

The only way forward toward that standard...is by putting the past behind us...authentically...which means forgiving mistakes of the past...including Henry's...

And moving forward with a much higher standard...of our humanity and morality...and the seriousness with which we engage ideas, and the public and other discussions and debates that generate better and best ideas...

It is the only way forward...there is no other way...

And every other option is a means of avoiding the challenges and difficulties associated with holding ourselves to a higher standard...

And I just don't listen to those excuses any more...

And those who want to make them don't deserve a serious hearing of them, I don't think...

And our making them will remain a constant hinderance to our developing better policies...and treating each other better, generally...and resolving the many public problems that stand before us...

Until we begin to leave those excuses behind...

In that spirit...

I've got a couple of books to spend some time with:):)...

Have a great Martin Luther King weekend, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Martin Luther King and my kids at Eisenhower...

Monday is the Martin Luther King holiday...

So the school announcements, today, reminded students that we would not have school on Monday in honor of the holiday...

And I thought, this morning...

Martin Luther King gave his life in the cause of civil rights and efforts to end poverty (King was killed in Memphis while organizing trash workers)...

The least we can do is take some time in class to discuss his legacy...

Much of grad school, for me, and my time with Brandi, was spent studying and living in the spirit of the civil rights movement...Theo Brown, Brandi's mentor and my mentor-by-proxy, was an old civil rights activist from back in the day...RESULTS, the group to which I belong and which belonged to with me while we were dating, was a poverty group very much in the spirit of the civil rights movement...I read everything by and about Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, and the civil rights movement that I could while I was in grad school...Taylor Branch's books -- Parting the Waters, Pillar of Fire, and the newest one, At Canaan's Edge -- are all brilliant, in-depth discussions of King's legacy and the legacy of the civil rights movement in the United States...

So Martin Luther King and civil rights mean a lot to me...

But apparently not so much to my kids...

None of my kids could even tell us who Martin Luther King was (even though well over half of my kids are African American)...

And as I spent some time talking about Martin Luther King's legacy and the legacy of the modern, more successful civil rights movements after 100 years post-slavery of segregation and denial of those same rights...

Some of the kids...tragically...just didn't seem to care...

My most trying student commented about King's assassination...

"That was him. That's not me."

So sad...and callous...

Especially so since this student is black...

Meaning...King lost his life in the cause of making sure that this kid could be in my class...and be treated equally to his white peers...

And all this kid can say is...

"That was him. That's not me."

So terribly sad and pathetic, I thought...

Even sadder that this philosophy animates many Americans as much as anything King led with...

Last year...I tried to volunteer at Lawrence's local Good Will to commemorate the King holiday (I got turned away when they couldn't find anything for me to do)...

This year...I'm going to do more, I think...

There's some celebrations on Saturday and Monday, here in Kansas City and in Lawrence...and the only church I've regularly attended in Lawrence is a black Baptist church...the Ninth Street Baptist Church (I love the humility in that kind of name:):):)...the ordinariness of it:):):)...I'm sure they'll have something going on...

And I want to volunteer in the spirit of the King holiday somewhere this year...perhaps the Motorcade for Hunger here in Kansas City on Monday...

Brandi's the only other person I've met -- including my black friends -- who got as excited around civil rights and the King holiday as I have...

But this year...this holiday has a lot more significance to me...

This year...

The King holiday is a reminder to me of just how rare greatness and self-sacrafice is...in a world where most people consistently settle for mediocre...

And a reminder to me...of all the excuses that had to be overcome...and still overcome...on race matters...for us to make as much progress as we've made on them...

And how many of those same excuses will have to be overcome...to make progress on so many issues that seem so fundamental to humanity's growth and learning...

The openness that is necessary for people -- including and especially themselves -- to allow others to see their lowest, basest instincts...racism, greed, and all the rest...

So that they can let them go...

And actualize their highest selves...rather than just aspiring for them without ever getting there...

Thank you, Martin, for making so much of the world that is available to us, today, possible...

Whether or not kids and adults, today, take that legacy for granted...

Love,
Ben

Vegi pad thai, Miller 1855, and Endless Sunshine on the spotless mind...

Well...I came home and celebrated:):):)...

First...I bragged for about an hour to Melissa like a foul-mouthed sailor about my most recent successes in my classes...getting my first taste of sweet vindication as I recounted just how quickly we've been able to establish a pretty high standard of behavior and a serious focus on academic achievement in a very short period of time in a class for kids dealing with serious behavior and achievement issues...

And, specifically, having one of my kids with the biggest behavioral and academic challenges be one of my brightest stars, this morning...one of the most inspiring things I've ever had happen in a classroom in my life, nevertheless in my teaching career..

And then we ordered take-out from my favorite little Vietnamese place in Lawrence...the best vegi pad thai I've ever had in my entire life (other than my friend Francis' pad thai)...picked up some cheap beer...Miller 1855, which actually turned out to be really good, surprisingly (I just got it because it was cheap and different and I hadn't tasted it before...but it actually turned out to be really good...darker than your typical Miller...definitely the best Miller beer I've ever had in my entire life)...

And came home and watched Endless Sunshine on the spotless mind...one of my favorite little love/break-up stories, and one of the first movies that Melissa and I ever saw together at this really awesome little artsy theater in Milwaukee...

All before Melissa went to go make pot-luck snacks for a going-away party tomorrow at work with her new "friend":):):)...Eric:):):)...I think she's kind of got a crush:):):)...I hope he's a good guy:):):)...

A beautiful way to celebrate a really pretty brilliant day:):):)...and further confirmation, for me, that my efforts and my thoughts are very much on the right track:):):)...

I am such a little bitch, too:):):)...because all I can think that would make this moment even more beautiful...

Would be someone special to share it with...someone with my kind of passion and commitment and thoughtfulness and love for people and life:):):)...

I know it will be powerful once I find it:):):)...

But it's a pain in the ass just sitting around waiting for it...joining pathetic websites for people seeking love...developing crushes on every girl I meet:):):)...watching movies with Kirsten Dunst in her panties:):):)...

When the truth is that I would give anything to have that kind of love, again...for the first time...whatever...

I just want to have my heart pounding so hard that I can barely keep it in my chest...I want to my head to swim so hard I can barely focus on work or anything responsible...I want my priorities to totally shift as I think about spending my life with someone who blows me away as a human being...

That's not too hard to ask, is it?:):):)...

If you haven't seen Endless Sunshine, you definitely should...your life is incomplete without it...I guarantee it:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Can I just say that it kind of sucks not to have someone to celebrate today with?

...that everyone I know is either...

...fighting me...a lot of ego games...a lot stubborness...and a lot of people just not even willing to consider that I might be right about my thinking about people...and they might be wrong...

...just don't get it...they don't share my passion...or enthusiasm...and, very often...just don't care about these kids or kids, period, or people, period, as much as I do...Melissa is supportive...but she's definitely not as passionate about people, generally, or kids, specifically, as I am...

...we're just not talking, right now, for a variety of reasons...many of which have to do with me and who I've been in the past...or who we've been, together, in the case of Brandi...but all of which are very much in the past...but I've just no entre to initiate those relationships again...and they have certainly made no effort...

...Brandi...Tom...Jeannie...Wayne...

Can I say out into the world just how much it sucks that there isn't even one person, that I can think of, right now...that I can share this news...this terrific news about this really great turn-around on this kid (one that I'm sure will have its ebbs and flows...progress and setbacks...in the coming months and years)...which is/was totally unanticipated...and a really great development in the life of a kid needing a lot of love and support, right now, as he grows up in the midst of a very difficult situation...

I shared it with his grandmother...who appreciated it, of course...

But not one other person I know -- not even my parents -- would be very enthusiastic about this kind of thing?...

What does that say about people...

That I would expect that they would treat kind of blase great news about a kid who's been in a lot of trouble...

Cynical, definitely...

Unbelieving...

Self-fulfilling in their prophecies...

Responsible for many of the problems that they bitch about...and do very little substantial and thoughtful with a view of the longest run to do much about...meaning...responsible...without taking much responsibility at all...

Foolish...

And not very much help...that's for damned sure...and sometimes real pains in the asses and obstacles to getting things done better...

Unimaginative...lacking creativity and commitment to really dealing with problems...but having plenty of cynicism to share with any unresolved problem (of which there are many)...

Lost...as Stitch would say from my favorite Disney movie of all time...Lilo and Stitch..."I...am...lost"...

Most people are just kind of lost...

And need some more grace in their lives...

Some hope...

And some passion...

And some belief...

And some love...just like my kid in my class...

And to believe again...

That things can get better...

With a little commitment...a little hope...a little thought...

And a lot of love...

Wishing you all the commitment, hope, thought, and love that your heart can absorb:):):)...and share with the world:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I think I have a little crush...

Today...

We had an I.E.P. meeting...with this counselor that I kind of have a crush on...

Why do I have a crush on this girl, you say?...

Well...ok...she's really cute...

But that's not the reason...there's plenty of cute girls interested in me, at this point...so it takes way more than cute to get my attention, any more...

What impresses me...

Is how much she cares...about the kids...it really endears me...she's forgiving with expectations...my kind of girl...and it really impresses me...

We got to hang out for the day on Tuesday at an I.E.P. inservice...we have a kid that we're both looking out for...and she's just totally endearing me how she believes in this kid even when others don't believe in him to the same degree...

And she and I think very similarly about a lot of our kids...which is that a lot of them just know a different world...that Andrea and I are just more familiar with than other teachers...a younger world...but, more...a more street-based outlook...a world that's not as all polite-society as the world of schools is more familiar with...

So...Andrea is like me...she's sweet...and gritty...all at once...and she really cares about these kids...without feeling like they're from different worlds...while, herself, integrating within her all of the different worlds to which she belongs...a feeling that I very much identify with...

She's not quite as ambitious as me, I don't think...but she's smart...and sweet...and the person in my building that I am most interested in, at this point, other than my hot little principal...

Today...Andrea starts talking all kinds of black while we're bragging on this kid that we were reviewing for his I.E.P. (his Individualized Education Plan)...I forgot to mention that Andrea is black...and a very attractive black woman, at that...

And I know she's thinks I'm cute...she's got that look in her eye whenever she sees me, now...I'm sure I do, too:):)...

Anyway...she's talking all kinds of black and it is awesome...because she's surrounded by three educated, middle class white folks...and she's just letting her hair down...and I'm totally falling in love with her while she's doing it:):):)...

Very much like me...Andrea is very polite and very articulate...and it takes a little time for her to let her hair down and just be herself, completely...until she trusts you:):):)...

But today was her day:):):)...

I wanted to fuckin' reach across the table and fuckin' kiss her mid-sentence the entire fuckin' time:):):)...

Whew...this girl's got me sprung, a little bit:):):)...

Because every time I look at her...I think...goddamn, she cares about these kids...

And that's what I'm looking for...

That kind of heart...

And lips like hers, too...

Goddamn...umm...

It may just turn out to be another fleeting crush...all the others have:):):)...

But she's a pretty special girl:):):):)...I hope she finds someone to make her happy:):):)...

I better go and get some lesson plans prepared:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A better day...

Today was a far better day...

I kind of processed what I felt like was something of a set-back in terms of prioritizing what matters in schools that happened in my school, recently...

And I was feeling better...first of all...

But more than that...

One of my kids...that just got out of a long term discipline situation...who was really difficult, behaviorally, in that discipline situation...has just come back to class this week...

And today...he was on fire...

He's not only the best behaved student in class...

He's figuring out the fraction work we're doing better than anyone in class...including the students who are the traditional leads in class...

I make a point of it in class...how's he's the new star of the class...

Because you got to understand...

This is a kid who -- because of behavior -- has likely never been the star kid in any class...

And today...he was on fire...

It was one of the most inspiring moments I've had as a teacher...

Like I said...you'd just have to know how this kid behaved before he joined our class...from persistently defiant...to the best behaved kid in class...

My philosophy in dealing with students...

You are responsible for your behavior...and I am responsible for mine...

And I am just here to remind you to be responsible for your behavior...

And this kid...has stepped up to that expectation...rather than me stepping down to his lower expectations of himself...

And it's inspiring to watch it happen:):):)...

Also...today my team was out for an inservice training in the process for deciding if a student needs an individualized education program...

So I'm collaborating with substitute teachers, all day, to be the only behavioral check that kids have, in the room, who has seen them consistently, for awhile, now...so no getting over on the substitute...

And the stark contrast between my class...who have behaved very well for substitutes...which is the consistent feedback I've gotten at this point...and kids in other classes...tells me that my class running itself very smoothly...

And that's how a class should work...

Students...children...should, as much as possible, be responsible for their own behavior...and teachers...or parents...or other adults...should just be grown-ups in the vicinity to remind them to be responsible for themselves...as well as to lead the class or the activities, of course...

And my experience, today, confirmed for me that we have been very successful in my class -- Ms. Simmons, my paraprofessional, and I -- in facilitating and teaching and preparing kids to be responsible for themselves...even if I'm not in the room...

Very inspiring stuff...

And the best part of all...

My class is the special education class, remember...

My class is the class where well over 50% of my students are there because of serious enough behavior problems that it got them taken out of general education classes...

I'm very proud...of my efforts...of the kids' efforts...of Ms. Simmon's efforts...of all of our efforts...and all in such a short amount of time (I've only been here since November, remember)...

The conflict I had two days ago is since resolved...far less ideally than I would want...but better than where we started...

And I've made my peace with the compromise...

And in the meantime...I have no doubts about my teaching abilities, at this point...I know I'm young...I know it's only two months into my career...

But I have far beyond proven my abilities at this point...

Did I mention that I fuckin' love my principal, who is as much responsible for my success as anyone else in the building...whose support I could not have been this successful without...who's love and support and keen, smart, street-wise and world-wise mind I could not have done this well without...

Freda Ogburn is, by far, the most impressive principal that I have ever worked with in my entire life...she's a Ph.D...she takes learning seriously...she cares so deeply about these kids so many years after she started teaching...without a hint of cynicism at all, really (it's really pretty remarkable)...she's sweet and sensitive and vulnerable...in public, no less...all of this...and if she was single, I would have asked her out long before writing this...she's really incredible...and it's an honor to work with her, really...on top of all that, she's really attractive...she's probably in her late 40's, early 50's...and she is gorgeous...like a serious hottie...some people just have it all...doesn't it make you sick?:):):):):)LOL:):):):):)...she's incredible...

Freda Ogburn is the first principal in my life (and I've had some good ones...Keith Wilson at Jardine-Edison Junior Academy in Wichita, Kansas comes to mind...as does Michelle Whooten at BRIDGES, a last-stop alternative school in Kansas City, Kansas)...Freda is the first principal...to plant the seed in my own mind...of perhaps wanting to be a principal, one day...I've never, ever, in my entire life, had that impulse before...and Freda is the first person to inspire me in that direction...a direction I just may end up taking before I become a researcher and professor...or maybe while...who knows what might be possible (given real time and responsibility restraints, of course)...

That really says something to me about a principal...because I've never had one, ever, as a student or as a teacher...who I so admired...

And who has taught me so much:):)...

God I fuckin' love this work:):):)...

Now I just need someone to share this life with:):):)...

Whoever she is...

I hope to never again make a woman sorry for committing her life with mine...ever again...

I hope to earn the love and trust of someone like Freda...but single:):):)...she is my new gold standard for a woman that I admire:):):)...

I wonder if she realizes just how much I respect her...

I've got to plan some classes:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why the fucked up assymetry in the world?...

Do the dumbasses and the cowards always determine how things go in life?...

I do think that individuals matter...though the ones that really matter usually get treated like total shit, I'm learning...

But why is it that dumbasses and cowards have such a fuckin' hard time following the lead of their betters?...

Me...if I think someone is better than me at something, I'll generally follow their lead...at least at whatever I think they are better at doing...at least if there are no other examples or options available...

And I have as low a bullshit relationship with people as possible...

Meaning...in my heart...I don't follow anything you do until I trust you know what you're doing...everything else is just a compromise until I get away from you...which will be as soon as possible, generally...

But the no bullshit conversation would go like this...

"You know what you're doing better, I'll follow you more...and still double-check to make sure that I think you know what you're doing...and still look for better models and examples to follow until I'm confident that yours is the one I trust most...and even then it's not absolute...it's only at those things I think you do better"...

"And if I stop following you...it's because I think you are either completely full of shit...or full of shit enough that you don't have much, substantially, to offer me any more"...


"And generally I still hang out with you...unless you become an utterly worthless asshole trying to impose your will when you aren't good enough to back up your ideas with a better example and better real life experience to demonstrate that you have better ideas...or at least a better ability to engage the conversation that humbly acknowledges when you don't know what you're doing"...

I know many, many, many, many people in that latter category...self-deluded assholes who what to assert their entitlement to my trust without earning it...

The technical name for that category of person, I believe, is worthless...and it's the most annoying quality I can discover in a person, I think, other than murderer or terrorist or such...

I would...once...once in my entire fuckin' life...

Meet someone who was confident in themselves and their ideas for good reason...because they know what they're doing...and when they don't...because they have the balls to ask themselves the hard questions and admit when they don't...

Just once I'd like to meet a person like that...it's such a fuckin' rarity...

And the reason why I want people like that in my life...and why I get tired of people not like that in my life...

Is because I get easily bored of the bullshit...

There are a million times when I want to tell someone...

"Who gives a shit what you think when you clearly no fuckin' clue about what you're talking about"...or..."Who's gives a shit what you're talkinga about when you are clearly bullshitting me and yourself"...

But I don't...because I'm a nice guy...and I just let people go on in their clear self-delusion...until and if I feel comfortable calling bullshit...

Maybe that's why so many adults feel the need to compel others to follow their wishes...

Because they are so fuckin' full of shit...that their scared that noone will want to follow them, otherwise...

And you know what I have to say about such bullshit?...

Pathetic...you fuckin' loser...

Get better and people will follow you're example, more...

And bet that it has something to do with them not trusting that you are as competent as you need to be to earn that trust...

And too fuckin' bad until you get that competent...

Earn it...

Love,
Ben

It turns out that it actually doesn't matter...

I've decided to stop fighting...and to stop giving a shit...

I am tired of mediocre colleauges constantly dumbing me down...because they just can't take the smart advise...

And I've just decided that it really doesn't matter...

Which means I just need to find a way to independent wealth and get away from the losers who just can't face when they're efforts fail and their ideas suck...

There is no way to make things better...

Because noone really wants things to be better...

They'd rather stubbornly defend all the ways that made things bad in the first place...

And I just don't care any more...

Good luck to all the losers defending -- or should I say whining and bitching while simultaneously defending all the shit that keeps in place what you're whining and bitching about because you were too dumb and cowardly to think bigger than the situation you were in so you don't keep dealing with the same problems -- what a shitty world we live in...

You're gonna need it...

Ben

The harder they fall...the more difficult it is to learn the lesson...

I had a really difficult experience in school, today...

That reinforced a very important lesson for me...

The reason to soften a blow...

Is because the harder someone falls...typically...in my experience...

The more difficult it is for them to learn whatever lessons need to be learned...

We just had a really great conversation, today, about why all people both resist and need some sort of authority...and why some kids, in particular, have a harder time with authority than others...and how to better facilitate conversations that lead everyone -- but especially those who struggle with authority most -- to respect authority...even when you disagree with it (and even when you want to change it, as I and I'm sure many people want to do, always...in fact...as much as anything...I want to change peoples' general relationship with authority, turning to it only when they absolutely need it...to intervene with current violence and prevent future violence (and only then when it is necessary)...and at no other time...everything else being compromise, I think...and finding ways to be grownups dealing with difficult matters of life without always turning to authority...and legal and political and economic and military armtwisting to get our way...especially when it clearly has the opposite or worse consequences than we expected (and could expect with less coercive alternatives)...

And today I had reinforced for me why such armtwisting is so counterproductive...not only because it means bullying our way through issues that need to be decided on their merits...

But because it undermines itself, eventually...because people not only stop respecting and trusting authority that armtwists and deceives its way through matters (hence the credibility problems the Administration faces now and has faced now for some time)...

But because it makes it harder...in situations where authority is used for a good cause...for the people involved to learn the lesson...

Campaign finance reform is both the highest level of hypocrisy on this that I can think of...and where this last point is most obvious...

Is anyone under any illusion that pursuing Tom Delay has substantively advanced the cause of campaign finance reform -- that is a good cause as a matter of example, that Bill Bradley, for one, set a high standard on in 2000...but which all his colleagues just look like recalcitrant hyporcrits on since they go after Republicans with the very same skeletons in their own closets...pretending all the while that the matter is on principle when it is very clearly and without a doubt political -- I hope not...because if you think that anyone has been persuaded of the need to have ideas rather than money or power animate elections out of this whole deal...you are living in a fantasy world...

Even though Tom Delay is clearly a power-monger who used money to hog up all that power...

It's just that fighting that battle legally has just put Republicans on the defensive (and Democrats, too, to be honest...do you hear any Democrats talking honestly, at this point, about how both parties are guilty of what Tom Delay is accused of in Texas?...of course not...they don't want to go to jail...does it make it less true that Democrats are as guilty as Republicans on the things Tom Delay is accused of?...obviously not, to anyone who knows anything about this issue)...

And that story...the story of the failure of campaign finance reform laws...

Is the story of humanity...

The harder we try to take someone down...

The more difficult it is for them to learn the lesson...

And the reason why it is so easy to stick by my guns on this...

Is that I'm not advocating for anything, really...

Except that we recognize it better...

So we can stop making the same stupid mistakes around it...

Denying the failure that I'm talking about...pretending like it doesn't exist...

Whether it be campaign finance laws...or gun control...or drug laws...or No Child Left Behind...or the Individuals with Disabilities Act...

Or anywhere where authority is used where it both isn't the best solution...

And where it often interferes with the substantive conversation that needs to take place to get to better solutions...

As, sadly...is more often the case in politics, many times...is the rule, so to speak...rather than the exception...

Authority is respected, more...where people value it...as a matter of self-governance...as a matter of an internalized appreciation of the spirit of the law...of the aspirations of the wiser uses of authority...

And in the meantime...authority gets used in a lot of arbitrary, petty ways...that have nothing to do with doing good...

And today...reflecting on my own experiences...and reflecting on the failure of a colleague to come to terms with some pretty clear failures on her part that are recognized widely by her colleagues...but which she, herself, is thoroughly oblivious to...

And realizing just how much this colleague's life is run on fear...fear of what others think...fear of getting in trouble...fear of parents...fear of students...fear of fellow teachers...fear of administrators...fear of failure...and fear of life outside of school...

It just seems to so sad to me...just what a waste of one's life it is to be so afraid of life...of the world...

And when I think of all of the challenges I've faced in my own life...

I'll always remember that this is the virtue of my lie that I must always appreciate the most...

Everything I do...I do it because it's the right thing to do...and no other reason...because I choose my life...I am not afraid...

And in the context of that freedom...I choose a far more responsible life...than most people ever even aspire to...

That is a life I wish for others, as well...

But it is a virtue of my own life that I always have to remember...when I struggle to remember why I chose this life...as I did this afternoon...

I was tired of being afraid...especially when I was so clearly in good faith...

I hope others are tired of being afraid, too...so they can give up the fear...

But if they don't...

My life as I've lived it...is worth it...for that reason...if for no other...

When I was in grad school...

I would listen to Tom...my advisor, and professor...speak passionately in class...about how everyone was always out of compliance with this and such law...disability law was generally what we were talking about, since it was special education...

And would listen to Tom go on and on (as he had a tendency to do) about how the world was always coming to an end with everyone out of compliance...even as Tom, himself, was the master circumventer of university and grant rules and regulations...always bobbing and weaving his way through university rules...often for good reason...

And reading Tom Skrtic's work is like reading one long excuse for why schools could never really improve themselves...except in Tom's world...the sky was always falling as they failed to...

Rather than life being one long road of trying to figure out...how to accomplish the goals that we want and need to accomplish...

It is true that the stakes are high in policy...that's why we call it policy...it would reach our level of attention if the stakes weren't high...but we will survive...as we persistently do...through our failures...until we develop more successful ideas for dealing with the challenges in front of us...

I guarantee...

That you could pass a law...against terrorism...today...

And there would still be terrorism tomorrow...

Guaranteed...

Because only works...when it works...which is not nearly as often as advocates of various laws would like to believe...

It only works...

Based on the good faith efforts of average citizens to fulfill the spirit of the law...as they struggle to understand its purposes...and probably not really able to fulfill the spirit of the law...until they more fully understand its purposes...

I listened to Judge Samuel Alito's very eloquent remarks, today...about America being a place where noone -- no matter how powerful -- was above the law...

And what an important bedrock for America and democracy that principle was/is...

And recognize why people who take democracy seriously...take that principle so seriously, because of how important it was/is in distinguishing a fundamental of democracy...

...of equality...equality before the law...and before our fellow citizens...

But I also recognize...

That we must accept the realities of the shortcomings of that principle...as it confronts a real world...that doesn't always fall within the law...and often for good reason...

Since the law so clearly conflicts with the other much more important principle of that American Revolution...

Independence...and freedom...and peoples' need to independently develop their own ideas of what to do with that freedom...to be more responsible citizens...and people...and neighbors...

And the openness that democracy creates...for people to develop those ideas over time...

And not staticly...and stubbornly...attach more significance to those laws...than they really deserve...

Ultimately...democracy is to allow people to develop a more independent conscience...a more independent and self-governed sense of themselves...

And anything that frustrates that...

Will always fall short of the reality of a world where people do good...for its own sake...

I love hearing Christians rationalize...as I have this weekend...talking with a preacher walking through our neighborhood...and talking with a janitor at our school, here...that being good is not the important thing...it's accepting Jesus Christ into your heart...

As if somehow Eric Rudolph can accept Jesus, blow up abortion clinics and gay clubs, and be saved...

But Mohatma Ghandi or Elie Wiesel or a million other great non-Christians...

Are all going to hell:):):)LOL:):):)...

As if being good for its own sake...

Was something you could circumvent...

By just believing in the right Messiah...

There's no way around this one...

Being a good person for its own sake...

Is the only thing that counts in this world, really...

Everything else is just bullshit...

No matter which way you cut it...

And I've heard it cut a million different ways...

And they're all just a million different ways...to cut the same bullshit...

And always will be...for time immemorial...

Until we take the business...of people taking being good seriouslly...for its own sake...and for no other reason...seriously enough...to make it a reality...

And until then...my example...will be of someone who took it seriously...whether and how others rationalize their ugliness...or not...

And the biggest benefit that comes from living that life...

Is that someday...I get to spend the rest of my life...with someone I really trust...just like I trust myself...

And today, I learned a little bit better...to trust myself a little bit more...because I just won't live my life...any other way...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

My kids were on fire and I had nothing to do with it...

I had an all-day inservice on I.E.P.'s (Individualized Educational Plans) today...

So I prepared an extensive lesson for the substitute, today...

And I don't know what was in the water with those kids, today...

But they were on fire...

I come back to school dying to know how they did, today...two of them got sent out of class one special education teacher tells me...so I'm a little disappointed...

But then I look at their work in class (we keep folders with all their work every day)...

And they are solving equivalent fractions left and right...they're all over it...one student has her answer space covered in equivalent fractions far and above what the question asked her to do...

I scheduled some time for them to play a game they love playing...it's called Pizza Party...and it involves pizza pieces in the form of fractions that the kids use to learn about fractions tangibly...

And it doesn't even look like they touched that game...

They just spent the whole time doing equivalent fractions...and they did me proud...

Tomorrow we talk about what went well...my para-professional, Ms. Simmons, and the sub, Mr. Rainey, were both here...and whatever they did was great...and I'd love to hear what went great from the kids, too...

Do you know how much I want these kids to succeed?...in my math class...in school...in life...

Do you know how frustrated I get with every single unnecessary road block to that success?...including and especially the road blocks they create themselves?...

I want every single kid...no matter how far behind their peers they are, at this moment...

I want them all to succeed...and to love school...

They may or may not succeed equally...

And if some of these kids take on the kind of self-motivation and big dreams that it takes to succeed in school and in life...they could surpass their peers if they wanted to...

But getting them there will take a lot of work on mine and their part...

And choosing to do so on their part...

It's the most frustrating part about being a teacher...for every teacher...that you can't choose for your students...

But the mixed blessing in that is that one or two and hopefully all of those students...will come back to report that they are not only meeting and exceeding your expectations...

But they are kicking your lilly white ass beating those expectations...

And that's when you know that you've succeeded as a teacher...

When your students are kicking your sorry little ass...

I've got work to do to get my students to take on that challenge...

And in the meantime...

I've got a classroom full of 6th grade special education students...

On fire with equivalent fractions...

As Ice Cube would say...freaking niggas every way like M.J...I can't believe today was a good day...

Love,
Ben>

I am kicking ass and taking names...

I am a born teacher, I'm convinced (though an awful lot of fuckin' work went into to my efforts)...

Things are going extremely well, here at Eisenhower...my classes are going very, very well...the behavior in my class -- which is a special ed class where at least 50% of my kids are there because of serious behavior problems that got them removed from previous general education situations -- is better than most of the general education classes I work with...and though these kids are starting out low...my goal is for them to compete with the other general ed math classes on the next Kansas math assessments...that's my goal, at least...we'll see how they do:):)...I haven't seen breakdowns on this last test for my kids, individually or as a class (though I know they did terribly since I received the practice test like two days before we were to take this pre-test, and we were nowhere close to prepared for that test)...I do know they were aggregated with the 6th grade math class that performed best among 6th graders...so we'll see...I've requested a disaggregation for my kids...and we have ambitious goals...so we'll see...

I'm working on planning a field trip this semester with the kids to interesting, exciting, and/or purposeful workplaces where they can see school-smarts (and math, in particular, as well) in action...my para has a brother-in-law who works for Mercedes-Benz...and while I'm looking into classes at University of Missouri - Kansas City, to finish my certification, I'll look at opportunities to show them around there as well:):)...

My goal is to give them the best, most interesting, most exciting, most purposeful workplace visiting experiences we can create for them to get a concrete experience of the future that education can create for them...to take them to places where math and reading and social studies and science and music and physical education and any and all school class situations might prepare them for...and to demonstrate in some concrete detail where and how school matters in their lives:):)...

And...as much as possible...to do that with people who actually believes school matters...and whose example demonstrates that...I can't say that that was exemplified very well even by most of my university professors, by my standards...but perhaps knowing that a group of kids are coming to learn that lesson might inspire some adults to reflect and understand and effectively communicate that to kids...that's the hope, at least:):)...

Least possible necessary aggression has clearly made a difference here at Eisenhower Middle School (and a school discipline system that roughly match the principles, and teachers and administrators who are supportive and ambitious)...and my own efforts, too, of course:):)...

No ivory tower bullshit for me, thank you very fuckin' much...I'm developing ideas that work...and when they don't...I face up honestly...and develop better ideas, over time...

Right now, though...I am both one of the more respected and more popular teachers at Eisenhower in a very short period of time...I'll take the first long before the second...but the second doesn't hurt, either...school's just a more honest place than most places...so popularity is not as loaded with bullshit as it is in the world outside of school...which is so loaded with bullshit, I'm surprised most people can tell the difference between honesty and their own bullshit, most of the time:):):)...

I have also decided...after much thought...and after sharing the story many times, now...

That...though I don't think that I could have done much more with grad school than I did when I was there...

That...with some experience and maturity and thought...that I would do grad school over again, today, if I could...I would have made a lot fewer mistakes as a young man...I would have put up with Tom, more...I would have recognized his good faith efforts to be a better teacher and advisor, better...I would have worked to support him, better, to be a better advisor and professor rather than leaving him and my program out of frustration...

I can only see these things in retrospect with the experience of hindsight and experience and more wisdom...which is how a lot of lessons get learned, I appreciate better, today...

I don't want to rationalize my mistakes as a grad student and as a young man growing up...fucking up my relationship with Brandi was the biggest fuck-up of that time...but there were many fuck-ups in my relationship with Tom and my professors and my fellow grad students, as well...a lot of lessons have to be learned the hard way, I'm learning...by experience...but I'd rather learn them than not...

And I don't want to rationalize just how shitty Tom often treated me when I was at KU...or how much he and Wayne, more than Jeannie (by the end, I had three co-advisors...though she did lack courage, there at the end) ignored my concerns with how my program was going when I raised them...how they condescended me, which was particularly galling to me since they were not doing academic work even close to my caliber...and, largely out of insecurity and an inability to acknowledge just how strong a thinker and a teacher I was, ran roughshot over me, much of the time...a feeling that I got used to after I left school and discovered that the whole fuckin' world is a bunch as petty assholes and son-a-bitches who treat people like me like shit all the fuckin' time (hence the reason why Zenobia Washington teaching us Billy Budd my senior year of high school is so important to me now...since this is the theme of Billy Budd...that good and decent people often get treated like shit by not-so-good-and-decent-people because they are good and decent and for no other reason)...

But the truth is that I had a lot of growing up to do and maturity that I have since gained over time that I could have done in school, had I stuck with it or had a better example...of which I had neither, frankly, at the time...so I had to learn on my own with a lot of hard knocks...and a lot of reflection...

And the biggest lesson I've learned from the whole experience...is that once the person with the highest standard (which was me, in the case of my grad school experience, of all my professors and fellow students) lowers that standard...then everyone goes to shit...everyone with a lower standard lowers it even further...as was the case with Tom and my professors and even fellow grad students, as well, after I left school...

It's time for me to consider a different program to do my certification work in, I think, since I just think my relationships with Tom and the grad school at KU are just too soured to work any more at those relationships without effort on their part (which I'm not seeing at this point)...

And I'm thinking, after that experience, that perhaps a more formal policy Ph.D. program would be better to finish my Ph.D. work in, with an advisor I can trust...and I'll be very picky about that last part, this time...I only needed to get burned on that one, once, to learn that lesson...I'm going to go back to Wichita, in the next few weeks or so, and talk with my undergrad thesis advisor, David Ericson, who is a political science professor, about who I might do a Ph.D. program with...Dr. Ericson is the professor who pointed me in the direction of Paul Peterson's work at Harvard (though I had no clue, at the time, and I don't know if Dr. Ericson did either, that his primary work is in education policy...perhaps he did)...

I like how Harvard's graduate program is set up...how much freedom it offers its graduates...

But I would rather find a public university...I genuinely believe -- after some experience in both private and public schools and universities -- that public schools and universities are better...and I would rather do any formal studying I might do in a public university as much as teach in a public school...

But finding one that I trust will be a chore...and not one that I'm in a hurry to complete since my work is far and above most professors I've ever worked with or met, I think...and I'm not worried that I'm missing out on anything, at this point, except that I might like to learn more in some classes, to do a formal dissertation and thesis, and to graduate and have my parents and others see me graduate...

I'll be thinking about it...and talking about it with Dr. Ericson when I find time to go meet with him...

I bring with me the pretty compelling ability to secure grant money, I think...and I'm sure I could likely win a Spencer grant or similar grant money for my work, especially given successful experiences as well as compelling theoretical work, at this point...so I could likely get my grad education paid for with some hard work...

And if I'm going back to school (as with finding a new mate)...I want to make sure that I'm working with the best...and in neither situation, have I been working with the best in the past, I'm convinced...

I want a mate who will support me as well or better as I would support them (a challenge that no woman has ever been able to meet at this point...and I, at least, want a woman who will aspire in a serious way that leaves Brandi Fisher in the dust...I have done so, at this point...and I want a significant other who will do the same)...

And I want teachers who will support me as well or better as I would support them...none of whom I have met, at this point...

Brandi and Tom and the faculty at KU tried...but none of them even came close to living up...

And it is my challenge to find people who will...

And if they can't...

Who aspire...

I haven't met those people yet...

But goddamn if I'm going to drop my standards just because everyone else is doing it, these days...

You know what I say to everyone rationalizing why they're being such shitheads these days?...

Fuck 'em...

I'll be holding my standards high, motherfuckers...

And you don't want to follow...

Then so fuckin' be it...

And I'll just keep racing right the fuck past you, dumbass...

Because dumbass rationalizations only last...

Until they see the break of dawn...

And dawn has to come sometime...for everyone...

That's how progress happens, I'm learning...

Some of us are just far ahead of the curve:):):)...

It's after 8PM here at Eisenhower...I should probably head home before Melissa starts to wonder where the fuck I am:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone...

Love,
Ben