Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The beauty of freedom

I am discovering in my 5 years since leaving school the risks and pitfalls of freedom, but more importantly I am learning the possibilities, real world lessons and experiences, and beauty of freedom.

Do you know what the best part of freedom is? That no matter what choices you make - good or bad - they are your own.

And 5 years of more substantial freedom since leaving grad school has done for me exactly what I wanted from it (and more, really).

It has put my life squarely in my hands.

And you want to know the best part?

For all of the scares and concerns that people have had for me and for the world where more freedom was available, I have far more confidence in my abilities, today, to have the life that I will love - a life of teaching and writing, a life of financial security and wealth, a life of helping others and being an example of self-discipline and responsibility and contribution, a life with freedom and free time to be with people I love, especially family and friends, and a life where I can be the kind of example that my children and others can learn from and then improve on my example as much as they are able and with as much potential as is humanly possible - with all that freedom, including all of the trial and error. Lately, I've experienced a lot of both trial and error, but that is where the learning takes place and it is where living a life without a safety net - until I build a more substantial one for myself, that is, than I could ever depend on government or a family member or a job or anyone other than myself to possibly create for me - becomes so worth living.

This experience, more than any other I've had, has made my life more genuinely secure upon my efforts and intellect and habits for a more genuinely secure future than I ever could have found in a job pension, a government check, or the hopes for an inheritance or a lottery payoff.

It also is the single most important learning experience of my life, I'm convinced. And this kind of life, I'm convinced, even though it is just beginning in a meaningful and self-directed adult way, is exactly the general sort of life that most people would benefit from were they to think beyond their immediate gratification, their fears for their financial future, or their perpetual efforts to fit in with the crowd. As Benjamin Graham, the successful investor and investment teacher who Warren Buffet most credits with his wealth and who he says influenced him most besides his father, argues accurately, I trust, it is not what others think about a stock, and I would argue about politics or parenting or teaching or science or life or anything. It is the facts and the analysis. And the kind of intelligence that can take advantage of those facts and analysis is the kind that is as free and independent as possible. That is why freedom, and intelligent use of that freedom, is the single most important factor in overall life success among the most successful people in the broad array of fields of which I have kept track.

My fortune is not made yet. Neither is my career as a policy theorist, writer, teacher, citizen, political participant, and school, university, and community leader (perhaps I will run for some office at some point; it's not my main ambition, in the least, but I'm open to the idea if the opportunity looks right). I have no family. Or wife. I don't even have a girlfriend, presently.

But I do have a thoughtful, realisitic vision for my life and for the world, generally, and a patient commitment to see it realized and for the ideas to be left behind that can realize it if and as people make better choices. And I have the confidence that only freedom and responsibility can offer a person.

Any person. Without freedom and responsibility, we are all slaves. As Bill Buckley argues, the greater degree to which we are taxed or have our freedom limited, the greater our slavery is.

And, for all our fears, it is ironic that only with freedom comes the only real confidence and security that we can ever really know that our lives are on solid ground.

And that is the beauty of freedom.

I have to try to sleep if I can. Enjoy the cool spring evening, if you happen to be lucky enough to have one like ours.

Love,
Ben

Focussing on my weaknesses

I'm really sad.

I can't seem to get anything right, these days.

Everyone I encounter seems to look at me through my weaknesses. I can't ever seem to be appreciated for my strengths, anymore.

I don't know if it's good guys finishing last or the fate of a strong and independent mind or people assuming I must not be tough enough or hard enough or imposing enough or rules-adhering enough or if I'm just an ordinary joe-schmoe having life not work out, sometimes, like anyone else.

I've decided that I'm going to spend the next few months giving very careful attention to my major areas of weakness around organization, financial issues, legal/rules issues, appearance, and anything else I can think of. I give all of these issues considerable attention. But not as much as some people.

The bottom line for me is that I don't want my ideas to given short shrift ever again for any reason whatsover. I don't want my mind to be overlooked ever again for any excuse that people can find. And I don't want my heart to be an excuse for anyone to ever take me for granted ever again.

The woman and people I'm looking to spend most time with, I'm sure, will not have these problems with taking such strengths for granted, I can only hope, since I can only hope that my strengths will be as important to them as they are to me.

But I don't want anyone ever again to have an excuse ever again to take me for granted. I want to beat all other relevant expectations so soundly that I'll never have to experience this feeling with people ever again.

I am tired of being an exotic oddity with people and to have them focus on weaknesses that, for them, are strengths, all because they don't appreciate, well enough, the significance of intelligent thought in their own work.

It's important whether people recognize that or not. It may not be the most important thing on a basketball court (although it's important there, too). But most other places, it is more important than anything else because it is the resource from which every other problem is resolved.

And my job, now, is to make that so abundantly clear that that fact can never ever again be avoided by anyone I ever work or spend time with again in my life.

Anyone who fucks me over with good intentions only gets credit for their good intentions from here on out, and anything, honestly, that they might have contributed. But I don't romanticize Brandi or KU or Eisenhower, anymore. I love what I do. And I love people, generally. But I don't romanticize them anymore. I want to fall in love. But I want to fall in love with someone on her merits. I want to do and work somewhere I love. But I want to work and do what I love based on its merits. I always want to be paid and promoted and honored and appreciated for what I love. But I want to be paid and promoted and honored and appreciated based on my merits.

I'm on a mission to make so crystal clear my merits that noone will ever be able to credibly say boo about them, again, except to help me and others improve and only have credible criticisms in those situations where they are right. And my efforts will be to anticipate those criticisms as often and as thoroughly as I can as much as I am humanly possible. And when people do have criticisms that say that I can't play on the team ever again, they better have a good argument.

I just hope I never develop dementia. Because I will be hell to deal with if I do:).

Love,
Ben

I can't live like this

I can't be someone who fucks over others to look after my own ass. My conscience won't let me. After this week, I find myself asking, "Who would you be becoming if you became a dick just to join the crowd?"

I'm just tired of being pushed around and eating shit. I can't be that kind of person, is the truth. I'm a decent person and no amount of bullying can really ever make that go away.

I just want to have a life, again, where I can be decent and have that be appreciated and not always have me as a target for what it means to be too nice.

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My life really fuckin' sucks right now

Can I just say that my life really fuckin' sucks, right now?

The problem is that I don't trust anyone else, either. It's everyone dick for himself, these days. And I'm learning that as much as I'm frustrated with myself, these days, there is noone else I can trust but myself.

The one good thing I have going for me, right now, I think, is that I am as determined as hell to beat the shit out of any competitor I come across anymore. I am tired of getting shit on. I am determined to win at all costs, at this point. And I have no loyalty to anyone anymore.

I do wonder who I am becoming, these days. I also know that I don't trust anyone anymore. This life of pressure and leverage and force is every man for himself. And in a world like that, I only want to come out on top. If people become willing to face up to that legacy, then perhaps I will give up my more aggressive stance. Until they do, my new resolution is that if the world is one of survival of the fittest and who has the most leverage and power, then I will do everything in my power to outleverage every son-of-a-bitch I encounter.

Aren't you proud of the progressive world we have created? Hooray for progress, huh? It's just kind of overwhelming how much better it has made everything, isn't it? Economic slowdown. Mild stagflation, says the Economist. No resolution in sight for a reasonable, thoughtful Iraq policy. Not to mention an education policy that is full of good intentions and unintended consequences.

But the liberals and conservatives I read and talk with don't seem to be, generally, open to rethinking this road.

So I guess I'm thinking it is time to get into a position to strongarm others rather than be strongarmed all of the time. I don't want to ever lose a political or otherwise arm-wrestling match ever again. And if I do, I want to make the lives of the people who beat me to be the most miserable fucking existences they ever could have imagined in their worst nightmares.

I guess this is how power corrupts, huh? I guess that's how politics gets so cynical, huh?

Well if giving into the cynicism is the price of not getting fucked again, I'm diving right the fuck in and I'm not coming out until I have the strongest arm around.

This is what progress looks like. Congratulations to the progressives of all stripes, liberal and conservative, who made this happen.

Love,
Ben

Monday, May 07, 2007

Seeing my most serious blindspots

Randomly, today, I was reading about Warren Buffet, his investment strategy - called value investing - and my roommate passed me his biography.

And I saw two of my most serious blindspots, today.

Buffet is a much more conservative investor/risk-taker than I am used to being in my life. He prefers the simple, he likes to know his limitations, and he looks for enduring value (which is the essence of value investing).

Two quotations in Andrew Kilpatrick's book about Buffet, Of Permanent Value, sums up the lessons I learned today:

"Summing of Ben Graham's teachings (Ben Graham is the business professor whose teachings are the basis for Warren Buffet's investment philosophy): 'When proper temperament joins with proper intellectual framework, then you get rational behavior.' (Forbes, October 19, 1993).

And, "It's just not necessary to do extraordinary things to produce extraordinary results."

Warren's wisdom in investing and life helped highlight my two strongest weaknesses or blindspots, I think.

The first, and the one that's gotten me into trouble so often, is that while I have plenty of intelligence, I have a temperament from hell. I am passionate, but far too passionate. I am easily upset. Far too easily. I have discovered how to have more genuine control over that tendency by letting it loose enough that the temptation soon gives way to a more authentic self-discipline. It's been a good strategy, often. But as I see it, I understand why I shoot myself in the foot with this one far too often. Often when I want to be working, I cannot concentrate because I am overwhelmed with some strong feeling. I am learning more honest self-control as I see the mistake and internalize the lesson. But it has caused me a lot of problems, in the meantime.

The second and more important blindspot, I think, is that I prefer the complex to the simple far too often. It leaves me blind to the simple answers and the simple habits and truthes that show a clearer way if I will only pay attention. When I want an answer I go complex, even when, often I should look for something simpler. Buffet is an example of someone who knows how to navigate the complex world of investment with an appreciation for the simpler truthes in life. Instead of just choosing the simpler, more straightforward option, I prefer the complex, even when it gets me in trouble.

Both of these are examples of strengths that have metastasized because I have overdone them. Passion is great, but an even-keel is often what I need. And intelligence is useful, but complexity can often become overwrought. Often what I am missing is a simple appreciation for the more moderate and simpler habits and truths that make for a happier and more productive life.

Warren Buffet is brilliant, by the way, if you have not studied his strategies. If I was going to be an investor, this is who I would study. Not a bad idea, given that he is the richest investor in the world. But more importantly, because he's such a decent guy.

And, today, he helped me see important blindspots I've been missing in my quest for a life of freedom with responsibility.

Love,
Ben

Friday, May 04, 2007

Humbled

This is hands-down the most brilliant writing that I have read about the Iraq War, from military historian Frederick Kagan.

Congress and Iraq

Friends, Enemies, and Spoilers

Fighting to Win

And brilliant analysis of the tactics of the surge from another favorite military historian, John Keegan.

How will it work?

I am humbled, to say the least.

Love,
Ben

Cutting through the bullshit

Iraqi national Hoshyar Zebari pleads in today's lead Washington Post column:

Don't Abandon Us

Something that really cuts through all the bullshit.

Love,
Ben

Learning not to trust anyone but myself

I have learned a really important lesson after this experience at Eisenhower.

I don't trust anyone but myself, anymore. I don't expect loyalty or to be treated well by anyone except, perhaps, my spouse. I look after myself and have no interest in looking after others except insofar as it is a mutally supportive relationship.

I just don't trust anyone anymore.

I think that could be different. But not the way people are behaving, right now. And I have no interest, anymore, of putting myself in anyone else's hands, anymore, except for my own.

I completely understand why my Aunt Connie left teaching (an inner city school, no less) now. And why so many quality teachers leave the inner city for better pay and better school districts.

Because the truth is that helping others carries a significant burden, even for the most idealistic. It involves being bullied by do-gooders and by less noble folks, alike, who whine persistently about the poor state of their schools and their communities and, all the while, are often responsible for that poor state. I want no part of that, anymore, if people aren't willing to critically analyze their situation and engage in anything other than the aggressive, less thoughtful approaches which have gotten them in trouble in the first place. You want a dysfunctional community, I say, by all means. It's all yours. I just don't want to hear your whining when you refuse to change the very things that create your situation. It is very much like Palestine. If you want a better life, you will have to renounce the aggressive ways that have created your situation. If you refuse, you live with the consequences.

I have no interest in sacraficing myself for such causes anymore.

My future is completely open, at this point. I would like to teach and write, but I'm not wedded to it, at this point. My one, single, important criteria for my life is that I want a career and a life that I can feel good about and feel happy doing and perhaps contribute something to others. I have no interest in being a martyr anymore. And I have no interest in being bullied for the rest of my life, anymore. So anything that involves as little of that kind of treatment as possible.

But I feel no loyalty, anymore, to the cause of wealth inequities or inner city schools or poverty work as long as everyone involved refuses to face up to the very kind of self-centered, aggressive behavior that creates those conditions.

I don't trust anyone but myself anymore.

I know we can give up the more self-centered behavior that gets us into this mess. I also know that we will refuse as long as we refuse to face up to what shitheads we are.

All I know is that I won't be supporting shitheads, anymore, no matter what flavor they come in. And I know, at this point, that I can only trust myself while we pretend like this path is more noble than it is.

By the way: Notice how bullying renders you completely irrelevant to the people you bully? Yeah, and the crazy thing is that you didn't do any damn good.

And, at this point, I don't really give a shit either way about people who do this with me.

Or their causes.

Love,
Ben

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Taking responsibility

I'm a little underwhelmed by this sad little political period and with myself.

The truth is that my organization is a mess. I've improved significantly and I'm on a steep and ambitious learning curve. But I still stink. I've worked very, very hard at it and I am getting things, slowly, under control. I'm frustrated with the slow pace. But I've dealt with this problem for most of my university life - 12 years - which were the bulk of my young adulthood. So the fact that I'm making as quick of progress on this, at this point, is a big deal for me.

But so many of the more aggressive ways that people dealt with me and this issue - many of which were outgrowths of a period of far too much stress, pressure, aggression, and fear on everyone's parts (each of those issues are highly corellated) - so completely and clearly undermined me and the development of my organizational and teaching and other abilities, as they have my entire life. I've said so to coaches. They've ignored me. I've said so to professors. They've ignored me. I've said so to bosses. They've ignored me. As a teacher and an authority figure I see better, now, why people in authority ignore those they have authority over. Because they grow calloused and arrogant about all of the responsibility they carry and all of the terrible ways that they get treated in the course of carrying out that authority.

And I don't care, anymore. As a rule, at this point, I don't trust people with authority and only turn to them when I have no other choice. My commitment, at this point in my life, is to keep them out of my life and my work, as much as possible, unless I trust that they are there to genuinely help. Too often, as a rule, that is not the case. So I will stay clear of them as much as possible as a rule, from here on out, until that changes.

And that's where humanity is stuck, right now. We keep treating each other shitty. So we pass it around. And pass it around. And pass it around. And pass it around. Or we don't, and we hold it inside until we let it loose on someone within our path. Sometimes it means losing our tempers. Cho Seung-Hui and Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold gave up hope and let loose on several of their classmates. And we pass it around. And we pass it around. And we pass it around. And we pass it around. And we don't learn our lesson. And we don't learn our lesson. And we don't learn our lesson. And we don't learn our lesson.

And the biggest lesson of all that we don't learn from is that all that aggression undermines our ability to learn the lesson.

Why in the hell do liberal democratic peoples think that all that growth and development in humanity's history happens as we lessen our aggressive ways towards one another and create more freedom for people? Why in the hell do liberal peoples think that every most signficant advance in the path of liberal societies has involved treating someone better? Why in the hell do we think that all of our most important advances have involved putting behind us a more forceful, more aggressive, more repressive, more inequitable periods in our histories?

And then we spend the rest of our sad, miserable, cynical little existences hoping that we're not too decent, not too nice, not too generous or forgiving. Not too good.

The truth is that all of our fears make us assholes. And we're bigger assholes, as Jesus used to say, because we spend all our time pointing fingers at one another talking about what an asshole the next guy is and how our shit smells like roses, all so we never have to admit our failures and fuck-ups.

The truth, in my little corner of it, is that I've been a miserable teacher this year. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed by all of the paperwork and all of the aggressive attitudes from teachers and kids and parents and everyone that have all gotten glorified this year. I've been constantly emotionally drained by all of the bullying and the unrealistic expectations and the pushing and the otherwise shitty behavior that I've encountered from all kinds of people during this time. My organizational and time management abilities have always needed serious work - work that I have done and that I'm really proud of, at this point; I am really getting on top of priorities that have long been a much more serious struggle - but my ability to improve them has been persistently undermined by all of the bullying and more aggressive encounters I've had with people. It's really very seriously undermined both my teaching and my capacity to improve my capacities all year. I've got much work to do in that capacity. But my and I'm sure everyone's abilities have likely taken a hit because of it all. That's fine with me because it both reinforces for me how shitty that way of doing things is and it has definitely weakened my commitment to folks who behave in this way, no matter who they are.

And that is why people give up on one another and turn to any number of escapes or pursuits or destruction towards themselves or others to fill the space in their hearts that all of that aggression they experience creates.

And noone wants to admit the mistake. And noone wants to admit the mistake. And noone wants to admit the mistake. And noonne wants to admit the mistake. And we pass it around and pass it around and pass it around and pass it around. And noone wants to admit the mistake and noone wants to admit the mistake and noone wants to admit the mistake. And we pass it around and we pass it around and we pass it around.

There are only two pathes out of this.

Either we begin to cut it out.

Or we stay stuck.

Each choice will have consequence.

And we will all be stuck with those consequences until we face up.

It's either pass it around, pass it around, pass it around, pass it around.

Or it's beginning to cut it out.

That's it. That is the fundamental choice for humanity's road forward. That is where the only genuine progress lies.

Everything else is manipulative and self-centered and dishonest.

Either we will have the courage to admit that.

Or we will stay stuck and stagnate.

What we are doing, right now, I think, is growing. Very, very slowly. Very, very slowly we are facing this much more fundamental question for humanity.

All because we can't and won't be honest with one another. All because we are scared of the consequences. So we scare each other with consequences. So we are less honest. So we grow less quickly. And on and on and on until we face up to this ugly legacy.

You know why I'm so confident that we'll overcome this foolishness? Because there is no other way out. Everything else is a bluff and bullshit. Even the proponents of its alternatives know this. They've just just gotten too used to the bluff and the bullshit. But they know it's bluff and bullshit. When they're honest with themselves. Though that may be all too rarely.

And that is the question that humanity has to answer before it more genuinely begins to move forward: when are we going to get more honest with ourselves and one another?

It's ironic isn't it? How rarely people take responsibility in the era of accountability?

It makes total sense to me. Because the aggressive and forceful ways that we've approached accountability, these days, completely encourages us to withhold taking responsibility, and the forgiveness that goes with it. And we pass it on and we pass it on and we pass it on and we pass it on. And noone admits the mistake and noone admits the mistake and noone admits the mistake and noone admits the mistake. And we pass it on and we pass it on and we pass it on and we pass it on.

And the saddest thing of all is that we pass it on to the very children and young people who we say that we do it all for. And then when they grow up and they feel good about life and look forward to life and treat people better than we do, we look on them with suspicion and say, "You know why you're so fuckin' happy? Because you don't know the real world yet." The real world that we created and pretend is all going so much better than it really is. And we look at those same young people and we say, "You're so sweet because you're so naive."

All because we can't bring ourselves to face ourselves and do the one thing that we lecture them to do their whole lives:

To take responsibility.

And we pass it on and we pass it on and pass it on. And we don't admit the mistake and we don't admit the mistake and we don't admit the mistake and we don't admit the mistake.

Hitler carried on like that. Until he lost the war, that is. The Soviets did too. Until they fell apart.

And now we face the same choice. Do we listen to our consciences and admit the mistake? Or do we fail to admit the mistake and keep passing it on?

It is the choice that all of humanity faces. Every generation. Every lifetime. It is the choice that each person faces in their lifetime. Do I listen to my conscience, to my better angels? Or do I stubbornly refuse to face the mistake?

Jesus was right. It is easier to see this mistake in others before we see it in ourselves. And choosing to acknowledge that mistake is the fundamental choice that we face in our lifetimes.

May we choose wisely.

Love,
Ben

What engaging the culture war has wrought

For those liberals who were convinced that taking down conservatives was going to resolve important political and cultural issues and schisms, we sow what we reap.

Here is the consequences of the bitterness among conservatives that the most recent round of liberal political takedowns is sowing:

"In an exclusive interview with NewsMax Magazine, Bill O'Reilly declares that the U.S. is engaged in a "culture war" pitting those with traditional American values against "secular progressives" who want to overhaul the nation.

And O'Reilly is using his power as a top radio and TV "talker" to fight for those traditional values. Warrior O'Reilly says Christianity is under attack, identifies the country's most dangerous man, and scoffs at the influence of Hillary Clinton. Here's a sample of what O'Reilly has to say: "The far-left smear machine is already cranked up over ‘Culture Warrior.' You basically have to begin with the definition of the culture war. And it's between traditionalists who believe the country is noble — America is a noble nation, we can make mistakes, but basically at the heart of our system is a nobility that makes the world a better place – and secular progressives, who believe America is a deeply flawed nation that needs a fundamental overhaul."

NewsMax Magazine's October edition features a wide-ranging interview with O'Reilly — author of the new book "Culture Warrior."

Warrior O'Reilly says Christianity is under attack, identifies the country's most dangerous man, and scoffs at the influence of Hillary Clinton.

Here's a sample of what O'Reilly has to say:

"The far-left smear machine is already cranked up over ‘Culture Warrior.' You basically have to begin with the definition of the culture war. And it's between traditionalists who believe the country is noble — America is a noble nation, we can make mistakes, but basically at the heart of our system is a nobility that makes the world a better place – and secular progressives, who believe America is a deeply flawed nation that needs a fundamental overhaul."

He also states in the interview: "There isn't anybody more vilified in American culture than me. Why? Because I know what [secular progressives are] up to, and I know how they work."

And he says: "The Republicans fear me, not as much as the Democrats, but believe me, Dick Cheney isn't kicking my door in to get on ‘The Factor' because I've got their number."

O'Reilly is also unafraid of taking on his colleagues in the media. As for MSNBC's repeated attacks on his Fox show, O'Reilly said, "It's desperation. There has never been an operation that has failed as much as this operation. You've had a 10-year failure. Not one success." Perhaps O'Reilly's most surprising comments were about Hillary Clinton, a polarizing figure that's become the bogeyman for the right. Not so fast, says O'Reilly, who argues that Hillary is "not a hard core secular progressive" but simply a "knee-jerk liberal."

In his interview with NewsMax, O'Reilly also tackles the ACLU, George Soros, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and other figures on the national scene.

The accompanying NewsMax Magazine feature article "Talk About Power" takes an in-depth look at the world of talk radio and its impact on the nation, spotlighting NewsMax's Top 25 Most Influential Talkers in 2006 — including Rush Limbaugh, Don Imus, Michael Savage, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham.

The "O'Reilly's War" edition of NewsMax Magazine has been hitting newsstands across the country, including many Barnes & Noble, Hastings, Follett, Borders, B. Dalton, Books-a Million and other major bookstores, as well as Publix supermarkets in the Southeast."

I've tried my best to convince liberals to avoid this path. They refused. This is the consequence.

Here's my favorite question: who's going to take responsibility?

I'm sure it will be all those Democratic leaders in Congress. Probably all those radical and liberal activists. Perhaps it will be all those professors who have helped rationalized a leftist assault on conservatives.

Or, perhaps, worst of all, it will be noone.

How sad that would be. A world that is truly hopeless because noone will ever take responsibility for any of the most serious mistakes.

Except...

That world can't sustain itself. So something else will have to take its place.

Perhaps a world of that is less harsh and which allows for more genuine responsibility.

It really is the only honest way forward.

There is no culture war that will finally resolve our problems. Or an election. Or a final caged match where only one ideology comes out alive.

There is only a path that creates the space for more genuine responsibility.

And that is the path where we treat one another better and where we borrow from the best ideas, no matter where they come from.

That is the only path forward and has always been the only path forward, for as long as humanity will survive and thrive. And it is the only honest path forward for a humanity that is too scared and scary to make a thriving world less difficult to sustain.

Here's to a more genuinely thriving and sustainable world. It will only come when we pay closer attention and treat better our one most important resource on the planet: each other.

Love,
Ben

The problem that humanity has faced since its conception

It suddenly occurred to me, this morning, that I decided to take on the problem that humanity has been facing for 2000 years. How to get humanity more honest with itself given its propensity for aggression and force and repression to undermine that honesty.

I was just looking to make things better.

Honesty does tend to win out, in the end. But repression sure does get in its licks doesn't it?

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Why I value honest discussion

Because shit like this is the alternative.

How the left led us into 9/11

Benjamin Barber introduced me to this little piece of joy on his blog at Huffingtonpost.com. I read his review of Dinesh D'Souza's new book and thought, "Liberal academic, brilliant, but definitely liberal bias, doesn't like Dinesh D'Souza. Big surprise. I guess I'll go over and see what Dinesh has to say."

And then I got over to Dinesh's website, and it turns out that Barber is largely right. Dinesh is kind of off his rocker with most of the stuff that I read and heard on his website.

And this piece epitomizes why intellectually honest discussion matters so much.

Dinesh, like a million liberal writers, does in this piece what intellectually honest political discussion is meant to avoid: stepping too deep into the bullshit.

Dinesh does what I find most distasteful among less intellectually honest and partisan thinking and writing: he blames his opponents for big problems in the world so he can avoid his ideological allies ever having to take responsibility for any of their mistakes.

It is one of the most detestable parts of politics that I can think of. Everyone wants the power, noone wants the responsibility.

And then everyone preaches responsibility at the world.

It's not just Dinesh, though. It's most adults, I'm slowly discovering. It's most people. Intellectual or not.

We're the biggest bunch of bullshitting hypocrits this side of liberal democracy, I'm discovering. All of us. Me included. Our kids have to look at us all and think, "What a bunch of fuckin' liars and hypocrits."

But what I value about honest discussion - about the most intellectually honest scholarly discussions and about the more honest parts of the free marketplace of ideas - is that its meant to cut through a lot of this kind of crap so life isn't such a fuckin' mess all the time.

Life is still a huge fuckin' mess. Largely because of all of the lying and bullshitting, to ourselves as much as to everyone else. And largely because of what bullies and dicks we are, always imposing ourselves on one another and making everyone afraid to just be themselves and say what's really on their hearts and minds.

But it's less a mess because of more honest discussions. Of which this piece by Dinesh should not be counted:).

The reason why the world is such a fuckin' mess is because we are all so fuckin' dishonest. And it is so dishonest because we are such fuckin' dicks, constantly hurting and otherwise trying to get one another. And then our more cynical, dickish natures say, "The reason why I have to be such a dick is because the world is so fucked up." And the reason why the world is so fucked up is because we are all so dishonest because people are such fuckin' dicks. And the reason why people are such fuckin' dicks is because the world is so dishonest. And on and on and on.

You know the reason why nice guys finish last: because the rest of us are such fuckin' dicks.

And there's no end to any of this shit until we start getting more honest about it. With ourselves, at the very least. And with one another, ultimately.

So many of the world's most serious problems are found in this little conumdrum. What dicks we become because the world is so dishonest and we are so dishonest with ourselves. And how dishonest and fucked up the world gets because we are such dicks. And round and round and round.

At some point you'd think we'd face up.

If for no other reason than to just be able to be honest with ourselves and one another and just be ourselves, for real, more with ourselves and with one another.

The dicks of the world are doing their damdnest to prevent that, right now. This is how dicks have done it for the entire history of humanity. To repress their own acknowledgement of their more dickish behavior, and to repress those around them in the process. And to make sure that we lie to ourselves and one another enough that we can all pretend that we are better than we really are. And the most dishonest fact of that tendency is that we all begin to believe it, too often. We all begin to believe the bullshit. Our own and others'.

That's how Nazis and Communists committed all that ugliness. Because good people were too afraid to be honest about what destruction and ugliness all that force and repression reaped.

It wasn't until good people decided to confront that dishonesty - with guns when necessary, in the case of the Nazis, but largely with honesty, in the case of the Communists and with our much more illiberal past and present- and the force and repression which created it, that it finally fell apart.

You know why nice guys finish last? Because we're all such fuckin' dicks. And my experience is that an awful lot of the nice people in the world are generally those with more genuine courage in the world. And the more people are dicks, in my experience, the more cowardly they really are down deep.

And I know that I would, in a million years, rather be a nice guy with more genuine courage than a dick who is really a coward any day of the fuckin' week.

Because that's what courage looks like, for all the pricks in the world who don't know the difference.

That's why I value honest discussion.

Because it takes more courage. Courage that most people don't have, frankly. And times like these separate those with more real courage and those who are more genuinely honest from the fakers.

Here's to the honest people and honest ideas and honest discussions of the world.

We need more of them.

Love,
Ben

Being right and liberal thought and liberal values

I was having a very humbling reflection, today. It was about being right. And how invested we all get in being it.

I was listening to a really interesting story on NPR about global warming, today. I agreed with the general premise of the show's producers: that the important debate about global warming is probably not whether it is happening or whether it is serious, but what we can and should do about it.

Now, I don't know that is true, obviously, in the same way that a climatologist might know or think it is true or not true. And I know enough about polemics in scholarly debates and discussions and about how self-righteous a bunch of academics who have a scholarly consensus can be, as if a lot of scientists believing something - say, like, a flat earth or a geocentric universe or longitude best deduced by astronomy or a physical world of Newtonian exactitude or the wisdom of eugenics in Nazi Germany - makes it true. Empirical reality makes things true. Scientists and scholars are forever just making their most educated judgments about what that empirical reality constitutes.

George Will is one of the most reknowned conservative thinkers in America for good reason. He's one of the smartest. And his principled classical liberal commitments are a large part about what I find most trustworthy about his thinking and his writing. George is a global warming skeptic, a position I respect him for because it is not an easy position to maintain, these days, when being skeptical about anything that is not part of the dominant, more forced consensus is looked upon as undermining the progress that every consensus is sure that it is bringing to the world.

I think, in all likelihood, that the climatologists and scientists who study global warming probably have a consensus for good reason. I don't know that to be true. And one could argue for a consensus for the use of pressure and force among political scientists, today, that could arguably be true and that I would still think was wrong until the arguments were made for me that would make clear why I was wrong. So I could very well be wrong to trust the claims of scientific consensus on this question. It could very well turn out to be yet one more political attempt to shortcircuit a legitimate scientific question and debate in the name of yet one more self-righteous claim on final truth around an important question. That really is the problem with force. It so fucks up the conversation because noone knows whether its proponents have arrived at an honestly best assessment of facts or ideas or whether they have just bullied their way to shortcircuit that discussion and those judgments because they have grown impatient that people just do not see things the way they see them.

It's also very likely to George is wrong and that the global warming skepticism that I have entertained in my own life is wrong and that the scientific consensus will help us avoid the problems that global warming may threaten.

It's also possible that George and the global warming skeptics will turn out to be right and that a lot of people convinnced of global warming and its calamities are playing chicken little as a means of proving how right they were all along.

What I know, from that discussion, is that some really smart people are going to turn out to be wrong. And it is the last and most serious weakness of smart people that they do not like to be wrong, especially about important stuff.

And yet it is so. Regularly. And yet they and all of us are regularly convinced that we are right, so much so that we can and should force others to reckon with just how right we are. And, yet, no matter how right everyone is, which of course implies that many of us are wrong, all of us believe that we are right enough to know that we cannot possibly bring progress to the world unless it is forced to reckon with the blunt certainty of our imposed finality in judgment.

Karl Popper must wonder why he did scholarly work at all, some days.

What I know is that on this question and on so many questions, some of us, necessarily, are wrong. And around our most serious questions, we are all wrong, often enough that it should give us pause about imposing ourselves on one another all the time.

I eat organic, but I often wonder if its really all that much healthier. And the Economist has written some really great organic-skeptial articles that very much have me questioning whether organic is the best way to eat. I think it's probably a good idea, given our already strong propensity to be exposed to carcinogens and other unhealthy chemicals. I don't know if its worth all the money, and I won't pay $11.00 anymore for a bottle of organic laundry detergent.

But what I do know is that there is no way that I want this or a million other healthy or liberal or whatever values imposed on everyone else, and I certainly don't want to pretend that doing so would be "progressive" or "liberal" in the highest sense. Doing so clearly would not be either, since it would continue to erode the very few freedoms that liberal minded people are constantly rationed out by those who do not value it or the values that support it nearly enough.

That skepticism, that ability to question and doubt and challenge and to refuse to profess belief in anything just because someone or many someones pressure to make it so is the most fundamental freedom and most fundamental liberal value that a liberal society holds dear.

And it doesn't matter if you are right or if you are wrong. What matters is the freedom to question and doubt and challenge and to make up one's own mind.

Without that freedom, freedom of conscience is a joke.

And it is that tragic joke which is being played off as "progress" or as the direction for the future or as the strongest values that liberal democracy has to offer that is so dominant in contemporary America and the world, right now.

It is liberal democracies looking to the theocracies and autocracies and despots and totalitarians of the world and the cultures that support them and saying, "See. We can be tough too. We are moral too. We can impose with certainty too."

And on and on and on will be our sad, little, insecure liberal democratic culture until we can have the courage to just embrace the freedom that makes liberal countries and cultures and values and people and ideas so great.

The logic of our contemporary liberal democratic culture says, "We are always and always will be afraid that we are too liberal. We will never be confident in our values because we are afraid that they make us vulnerable to the charge that we are not nearly as good or moral or tough or smart as our illiberal and less liberal brethren."

The truth is that we are afraid.

And one of our biggest fears in a liberal democratic world is that we are wrong, for fear that it means that we are stupid or fallible in a way that will justify every ugly or meanspirited thing that people may have said about us.

And the on-going and perpetual irony, of course, is that history is an on-going reflection on how we were never liberal enough. Very rarely do we look back in history and think, "If only we had just been tougher on those dissenters, those debtors, those Natives, those slaves, those women, those African Americans, those immigrants. If only we had been tougher on all of those Americans, then the world would be whole." Almost never.

And yet liberal peoples are constantly saying to themselves, in the moment, "We are afraid that we are too liberal." Always. No matter how far we move forward in that regard. We are always afraid, "I think I or they or all of us are too liberal. Too decent. Too kind. Too nice. Too lenient. Too merciful. Too generous. Too loving. Too compassionate. Too forgiving. Too good."

When, really, what are, far more often and far too often, is too self-righteous, too mean, and too sure and full of hubris that we have finally figured out what will finally fix all of our problems.

The truth is that I will think that George Will was one of the finest thinkers of the 20th century and one of the finest conservative minds of the twentieth century whether he got this question or any other question right or wrong for all time or just for now. And I will think that scientists engaged in empirical inquiry and research and scholarly debate are, generally, some of the most trustworthy people that inhabit our culture and I will listen to what they say above all other folks in the culture, generally, because I think, generally, they are the most careful thinkers and most honest members of our society.

And the plain fact that is that any and all of these people can and often are still wrong. No matter how much we might like to believe otherwise. And, generally, they will each be the first to tell you that.

I don't want to live in a culture where being right is taken more seriously than the thinking and the skepticism and the debate and the discussion and the forever open-ended engagement of serious matters of conscience where everything is now and forever open to questioning, skepticism, doubt, challenge, debate, and discussion.

And I certainly don't want a world where politics is held aside as an area of life where engaging serious questions with that level of integrity is not ever taken seriously because too many people are perpetually convinced of their self-righteous notions of the world.

What this period has totally clarified for me is that this is the most important value that liberal values and cultures have to offer. This value we put on conscience, and thought, and questioning everything we encounter.

I'm sure my kids must look at me and say, "If you believe in that kind of skepticism and questioning, all the time, why are you constantly expecting that we do exactly as you say without questioning you all the time?"

And maybe they have a point.

I'll have to think about that.

Love,
Ben

Monday, April 30, 2007

Learning my critics are right

I had a really huge moment of recognition, today.

My critics are right. My professors. My administrators. Brandi.

It is not just that I'm an organizational oaf, which I am.

It is that I have finally figured out the key to the problem that I have been spending nearly 15 years of my life, at least, struggling with. My problem with organizational detail and time and life management is that I have lacked the attention it has needed and the energy involved with constantly resolving issues involved with its priorities.

I had an interview today. Everything went great until I started talking about this problem, more openly. There were so many good reasons to be honest about it, but above them all was that so I could be honest with myself about this problem for me.

And so Devang and I walked and talked about this problem for me all night And all of a sudden it occurred to me that the larger problem, as he pointed out, was that I had not given the organizational detail in my life sufficient attention.

And what I realized shortly thereafter was that what Brandi Fisher and Jason Simon, a friend of mine, always had going for them in this department was that they had amazingly high levels of energy to give to their organizing and planning and creatively approaching the small details of life. And that took work. And I was just not giving enough attention to the organization and planning and details and I just wasn't giving life enough energy. And that is how so many higher achievers than me have given so much. And that is why my lazy, white trash roots matter. Because I'm lazy, white trash and I just don't give enough energy to life so I don't reap its rewards.

They have all been right. I have been a lazy, excuse-making loser. And that is why Brandi left me and that is why KU wouldn't keep me around and that is why Eisenhower fired me and that is why Olathe is not going to hire me.

Because I am a lazy, excuse-making loser.

And that shit has got to end.

Maybe all this thinking and political work and all of this has just been one big pretension and excuse for why I am such a a lazy, excuse-making loser.

I had two people in my life who I was very close to - Brandi, who was my best friend and later my girlfriend and who I spent almost every waking moment with for at least 4 years, and Jason Simon, our very close friend and the most organizing, detail-0riented, planning motherfucker that I've ever met in my entire life - both giving me the example I needed. But I couldn't heed it, even though it sat in front of my face almost every day of my life for more than 5 years because I was too much of a defensive dumbfuck to face up to my weakness on this one.

But as I sat in that interview, today, and the mood turned from eager and welcoming to wondering if they should have invited me, it started to occur to me that I have just been a defensive dumbfuck around this issue and that I lost everything because I could not face up.

I lost everything. Everything I cared about. And I still couldn't face up.

Because I didn't know what to do, is the truth.

I've got to get a shower and get to bed.

But, in the meantime, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe everything I've done has just been one big lie to myself and everyone else to explain away why I am such a fuckin' loser.

What else am I wrong about? What else can't I see?

How many more times do I have to lose a job or an opportunity or the love of my life before I face up to my weaknesses and make it my fuckin' business to get problems solved?

I feel like the biggest asshole in the world, right now. I lost Brandi because of this shit? I lost my opportunities with KU and with Eisenhower because of this shit? I have been thought the biggest fuckin' whiner and loser or the last fuckin' 15 years because of this shit?

But it's true. I have been a big fuckin' whiner and loser. How much of my bullshit is to cover for that fact, I wonder.

I don't know, right now. I need a shower.

Love,
Ben

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Honest critique from honest observers

I just have to say that I don't think that there is anything more satisfying to read than honest critique from honest observers. I've been reading my friend Carson's letters today as we email back and forth about the election and the Democratic debate and just sit and kind of appreciate a little serious honesty amidst this period of lying and bullshit and never knowing who to trust in politics.

Robert Kagan has a really powerful critique of the guy I've been favoring for President, up to this point, Barak Obama, in today's Washington Post, which is really impressive.

Obama the Interventionist

I'm still chewing on it and I don't know what I think of it, yet, except that I know that Robert Kagan is one of the more honest conservative writers that I regularly read and this piece makes me take a second look at Senator Obama.

Robert does happen to be consulting the Republican that I am favoring, at this point, John McCain. So there's all kinds of reason to be skeptical of his take, except that I can often rely on Robert Kagan, must more than, say, E.J. Dionne, these days, who has been moonlighting as a polemicist over at the Washington Post and who is not nearly the serious thinker that folks like Robert Kagan or Fareed Zakaria or other more serious writers over there at the Post. When I think about it, it's kind of interesting that the Post definitely carries a liberal bias, especially these days, but how many serious conservative writers it carries and how few serious liberal writers it carries. Though, that may also be because people like David Broder and E.J. Dionne are seriously soiling their names, these days, with all of the propaganda streaming from pens that are supposed to be writing something more honest.

I don't know what I think of Robert's piece, yet, and I'm honestly kind of tired and ready for bed, is the truth, with it being 1:33 in the morning, here and all.

What I do know is that if what Robert says is an accurate characterization of Obama's recent words, he is right that we have a lot to be concerned from coming from Barak, even if it is not wholly honest.

Perhaps the best thing that can come from this whole godforesaken period is that maybe some people will take the cue from all of the overwrought propaganda in the news, these days, to maybe make some more seriously honest observations that don't constantly make me bend over backwards, all the time, trying to figure out if they're being genuine with me or not.

I think Robert Kagan is one of those people. I know Carson is, because he's a close friend and I know him well enough that he comes with generally intellectually honest intent. Maybe some more of that kind of democratic engagement could create a democratic culture and discussion that we could trust, more, rather than letting the cyncism keep our politics a crazy fuckin' mess all of the time.

I'll read on Robert's piece more tomorrow. For right now, I need sleep.

Love,
Ben

Thursday, April 26, 2007

I have lost all trust in the bullies and the scandal-mongers

I only have a few minutes, here, but I do have to say that I have lost all trust in the bullies and the scandal-mongers, at this point.

I was reading David Broder's characterization of Harry Reid as "The Democrats' Gonzalez," with the implication that the next head that needs to roll is Harry Reid's. And I finally realized that I just could give two shits, anymore, about what consequences befall me from the various political bullies I encounter and whether or not they forgive me my mistakes. They are unrepentant shitheads. And I want nothing to do with them, anymore. I don't trust their leadership, I don't trust their thinking, I don't trust their instincts, and I sure as hell don't trust them to be honest, with me or with themselves, anymore.

I don't like Harry Reid. But I am far past fed up with people pretending like this ugly scandal-mongering period is something better than it is or that those initiating it or promoting it are better than they really are. They aren't. And I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I can't predict, anymore, how I will be treated. It is wholly arbitrary, at this point, since force and even the rules, at least in my field, are completely dependent on who decides to force what and noone gives two shits about what is possible or within our capabilities or not. And I just don't care, anymore.

I tried, in the last couple of weeks, to understand my principal and vice principal better. I tried. I thought I understood for awhile. And then I realized that its wholly a guessing game. There just is no sense in trying to understand people who don't make any effort to understand you. And I sure as hell can't respect anyone who behaves that way. So I've just kind of lost respect for and trust in my administrators and I've decided that I have no interest in trying to understand the motives of people who are hell-bent on taking me down or anyone else down that disagree with them. There is no integrity in that position. And I have no interest in pretending, anymore, that there is.

Force doesn't teach anyone anything, is the truth. It can protect us in extreme situations. Other than that, it is generally self-serving. And there is no reason that anyone should respect or look after the interests of someone who is only looking after their own.

All we can do in life is learn the lessons that are there to be learned. Force is generally a distraction from these, unless someone's immediate safety it in danger. Other than that, it is something to be put up with until you can get to the lesson.

And, as a rule, at this point, those who believe that force accomplishes more than that do not have my confidence anymore. I will listen to them. But I cannot continue to listen to people persistently rationalize what shitheads they are and pretend that they are somehow being better than they are.

I generally try to follow the rules to the best of my ability as a matter of conscience, at this point in my life. It is not always possible. That is why rules are an impractical way to rule as much as a bankrupt philosophy of goverance. And being strong-armed every which way from Tuesday has finally just sapped me of whatever confidence or trust that I used to have in those who regularly use it to get what they want.

That is the quite natural consequence from this foolish, foolish period and this foolish, foolish and bankrupt philosophy of governance.

If you think differently, you better have a really goddamned good argument. Because I've not heard one. And my assessment, at this point, is that it is, generally, one long rationalization for what complete shitheads people are.

Force away, I say. But I don't take your ideas seriously, anymore. You can compel behavior, temporarily. But, inside, I just think you're a foolish, self-centered, and mean-spirited shithead. And I don't give a shit whether people think that is fair or not. Life is not fair. Get used to it.

Or come up with a better argument. I think I've waited for a better argument for long enough. If the advocates of force don't have one, be prepared for a big fall here very, very soon.

And don't expect any pity from me.

Love,
Ben

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A nice, quiet life

I've decided that I think I've had my fill of a more openly political life. I still want to write and to blog and maybe teach in a university.

But I'm tired of getting beat up, is the truth.

I just want to retire to some nice, quiet university job or some other kind of nice, quiet job and find a nice girl, get married, buy a house, raise a family, and just have a much more generally hassle-free life.

I'm tired of being a hero. I'm tired of the slings and arrows that come with the outrageous misfortune of not wanting to bully my way through life. I just want to write my work, have my say, and live a life of relative obscurity and quiet and normalcy. Fame and influence are not all they are cracked up to be, I am discovering. Neither is noble work, as it turns out, as it always has me caught in a hornet's nest of sanctimony that I just don't think I could take for the rest of my life.

Just give me a home where the buffalo roam and where I can hear myself think. And maybe where I can think independently and not have to cowtow to some politically correct or morally outraged notion of how the world should work, even if solutions people propose are worse than the cure.

I just want to be able to have a decent life and just not get nailed and pressured left and right and maybe get some decent sleep, in the meantime, instead of always being awake trying thinking about how someone fucked with me again, today, and how I can't sleep with it on my heart.

I just want to avoid more of that shit, if I can. It's never worked in the past. But hope springs eternal.

Love,
Ben

What I think of Congress

Dana Milbank has a pretty hilarious commentary on the open, shameless, and dishonest hypocrisy of Democrats and Republicans in Congress during this scandal-happy, subpoena-filled, and all around joyous and inspired time in Washington, right now.

'Subpoenafest': Democratic Tigers and Republican Guerillas

Hypocrits. Open, shamelsss, and dishonest hypocrisy.

This is what runs Washington, right now.

Not just in Congress. All over the place. The Washington press, the White House, the Supreme Court. Everywhere. Noone has a fuckin' consistent or intellectually or otherwise honest bone in their bodies, these days. It's all about the power, baby. And if you don't have any, then you better get you some or else risk being a sucker. Because if you don't get your hands on some, they will be fucking you next.

It's survival of the fittest, baby. And the ones leading the pack are the alpha Democrats who know that if they don't fuck enough Republicans, they will soon be fucked.

This is what progress looks like, ladies and gentlemen. All thanks are due to liberals and the Democratic party, without whom we would not have all this progress you see these days.

Thank you, Harry Reid. Thank you, Nancy Pelosi.

Thank you for all of the progress.

How would we ever handle life without you?

Love,
Ben

A more genuine liberal progress

I've had a lot of time to reflect, this semester, about the kinds of thinking and issues of conscience that I have wrestled with for the last 6 or 7 years, ever since I started doing this theoretical policy work and writing and becoming more genuinely independent of professors and my parents and bosses and of the dominant political culture and so many people in the world.

The more I have watched this sad, sad political period unfold, the more profoundly disappointed I have become with both the period and the people who have promoted it. This obsession with force and power, the attempt to substitute it for a more substantial philosophy of governance and life, the senseless hurt and destructiveness it has sown, the extremes that it moves in because it openly courts such extremes and has only pretense of a more genuine moderation or thoughtful approach to difficult matters of policy and conscience, and the liscence it has given the more brute and thoughtless among us to hold sway out of affiliation with sanctimony and without a sincere concern for policy or people.

The more time I've spent in the "real world," meaning after graduate school and my experience in universities, the more I have become convinced that the most serious shortage in the world outside of universities - and even in universities, often - is a genuine commitment and concern for substantial thought and discussion and debate and engagement more genuinely resolving matters of the heart and mind on their merits, rather than on instinct, or ideology, or sanctimony, or politics in its basest forms, or self-centeredness or just plain pettiness. All of these means of resolving important issues get far too much play in the "real world," especially in the world of politics and especially in power centers like Washington, D.C. Engaged, thoughtful discussions of depth and merit get ignored enough as it is in universities, nevertheless in the places where such discussions and the ideas that animate them have practical consequence. And yet so many, by far most, people fail to take such engaged, deep, thoughtful discussions and bigger ideas nearly seriously enough, largely out of the arrogance that these discussions do not concern them because they already know all they need to know.

That is my assessment of the "real world" and people who do not take such discussions seriously. That they are arrogant far more than they are humble, average joes and janes. They do not engage more serious, thoughtful discussions of important issues because they are convinced, far too often, that they've already got it all figured out. That they already know the right "balance." That they have no need to think more largely because they have no desire to think more and do not like to be bothered with the challenge, but will hide that under the guise and defense of arrogance that all that they need to know is already within their grasp.

It's the single most important quality of universities and the professors and students and people who occupy them that I miss: more genuine intellectual curiosity. It is nice to be among people in a setting where it is less fashionable to pretend that you need not know more than you already do and where it is more sensible to question and consider different ideas, points of view, alternative scenarios and arguments, reasonable disagreement, and more rigorously argued and considered thinking. The absence of that kind of intellectual curiosity and the willingness to think outside of one's own particular box is the single most important quality of most conversations I have, these days, that persistently drives me up a wall.

How in the world anyone could look at a period where the most serious issues are being resolved by force and not by reasonable argument and genuine room for disagreement boggles my mind, largely because I take liberal values more seriously than most folks, I suppose. Democracy, at its highest, is not about bullying your way through difficult issues. It is about engaging the ideas and arguments of those you disagree with as well as those you agree with and those whose ideas are curious and considering important issues from more informed and thoughtful perspectives.

Better thinkers know this. And I have spent an enormous amount of my time post-university with a lot of people who are not such better thinkers. I consider almost everyone a friend. But I've also grown more than impatient and underwhelmed by the bottoming out of standards of intellectual engagement and honesty that have characterized this period. How any liberal could look at this current period and think to themselves, "Now that is what progress looks like," is beyond me. How sad it would be, indeed, if so many enlightened thinkers and scientists and visionaries and even political leaders of the past were to look at the present period and think, "Now that is the fulfillment of everything we worked to create. That is the dawn that rises after the darkness."

How sad, indeed, if that were true.

It very clearly is not. And I am more than eager to reengage the scholarly and university world if only to have a more genuinely reasonable discussion, again, about issues that I care about.

Because this kind of "progress" is no substitute for the more honest liberal values that animate our most sustainable understanding of the world around us and the basis for our liberal democratic culture.

Love,
Ben

What fuckin' dicks people are

I have decided that if people can't face up, better, to how fuckin' stupid and lazy and intellectually lazy and what self-centered dicks the great bulk of them are, then I don't have any fuckin' use for them. I'm prepared to go cater to their basest, stupidest, meanest, most self-destructive desires, make shitloads of money off of them, and not give two shits about them.

Because most people are fuckin' dicks is the truth. And I'm tired of being nicer about that than they deserve.

And I've been treated like such shit in the last year or so and really in the last 6 years, that I really just don't give a shit, anymore, about this stupid fuckin' race if they don't give a shit enough about themselves and one another to think more seriously about what all their shitheadedness has wrought.

No matter how bad things get, most people look around and say, "We've done a really good fuckin' job." Fuckin' morons. It doesn't matter how badly people fuck up their lives or the lives of others, all they can ever fuckin' do is pat themselves on the fuckin' backs and say, "Look at me. I'm doin' so fuckin' good."

Because they're too fuckin' self-centered to face what they dumbfucks and shitheads they are.

Americans love to scapegoat George Bush for that stubborn, denying tendency, these days. Because they're all too fuckin' cowardly to face it in themselves.

You know why I want a woman in my life with more courage and honesty than that? So I don't have to live the rest of my life with someone like that and have them pretending with me that they really are better than they really are.

People fuckin' drive me crazy with how fuckin' self-serving all of their interpretations of the world and their lives are that inform who they are and what choices they make.

And I have no interest in letting such assholes take advantage of my generosity for the rest of my life. If they can't grow up and face up to what shitty consequences have come from their shitty, stupid, intellectually lazy behavior, then maybe they don't deserve anything better.

Maybe what people deserve is exactly what they have now.

Love,
Ben

Monday, April 23, 2007

Stronger

I've finally figured out what it is that I need in a mate.

I need someone stronger.

If there is one quality that I have been most disappointed in among adults in my all-too-short adulthood it is how weak so many people are. How little courage they have. How weak their consciences. How much more concerned they are with how people perceive them than with an honest assessment of how they really are.

I count myself, squarely, in every single one of those categories. I am weak and have given into weaknesses more than I can and often would like to remember. We all have.

What I'm looking for and what I find all too rare is someone and people, generally, who can be more honest about that fact. The fact that all of us are weak, give into weakness, and have given into weakness far too many times to count. I work with kids enough, at this point, to know that people who argue that they do not or have not given into any myriad of weaknesses are lying, to me and to themselves. If we all would remember being kids and young people we can remember giving into to all kinds of weaknesses. All of us. I don't care how pious or sanctimonious we may be.

And it is learning from those experiences, not avoiding them altogether, which helps us learn the lessons and makes us stronger.

Acknowledging this does not mean that we should glorify or rationalize our sinning and our weaknesses or pretend like they are less hurtful or more healthy than they really are. And being aware of the consequences of our sinning and weaknesses and fucking up does not mean that we should at all get all self-righteous and sanctimonious about our foolishness. It just means that we should learn the lessons. And the most important lesson is giving ourselves the freedom to fuck up, to learn our lessons and, as much as possible, avoid screwing up when we get clear about its consequences, and forgiving ourselves and one another when we do.

It sounds simple enough, doesn't it? And yet that is perhaps the most important and most common mistake, sin, weakness, what-have-you that we all engage in. That we neither give ourselves nor one another enough freedom to screw up and that we fruitlessly and counterproductively believe that if we withhold forgiveness that we have somehow found some kind of control over the behavior of those whom we cannot ever control no matter what we might ever want to believe otherwise.

Liberal societies are stronger because they've figured all of this out, better, than more traditional and repressive societies. Liberal values are stronger values because they carry this wisdom and understanding about humanity inside of them, and the knowledge that such understanding cannot be either given without responsibility and internalization for such values nor can they be imbued within people against their will.

Liberal values have come to terms with the now and forever immutability of free will, for better and for worse, and the need for free will to animate conscience and for conscience to animate our thinking, expressing, and behaving.

The strongest liberal values embrace that freedom wholeheartedly without living in fear of being burned, because they have accepted that being burned is a part of life and a part of living and living those values. Weaker people with more illiberal values will always rationalize cynicism about this strength and exploit it for vulnerability, they will always take advantage of its more thoughtful, less reactive, and less aggressive values.

And that is what makes liberal people and liberal values so strong. That they can take the hit. And know that it is better than striking out when doing so only exacerbates the problem.

Liberal people sometimes, often, do give into the weakness of aggression when it is counterproductive. I'm watching a whole culture do it, right now. But when they do, they do what they do best.

They learn their lessons. And that is what makes liberal peoples and liberal values so strong.

Liberal values are sustaining because they are both the wisest lessons learned, and the capacity for learning the deepest, most profound, most serious lessons along the way. Liberal values are stronger because they are animated by wisdom more than by muscle or force. They don't eschew force altogether, because judgment, in the moment and over a lifetime, is more inviolable in a liberal democracy and among liberal peoples than any other value. Consciences more than rules are the heart of a liberal culture. Rules and laws are a means of organizing those consciences for practical purposes of giving authority to a way of thinking about an issue. But what is far more inviolable than such authority in liberal cultures is the freedom of conscience and to question, doubt, and challenge such authority, especially when it centers itself around force rather than wisdom, might rather than right, and violates higher matters of conscience.

When a political leader or party or ideology or a people centers themselves around might rather than right, as is the case in America, at least, today, and much of the liberal democratic world, sadly, it is sign of the bankruptcy of that thinking of the ideas that animate those people or ideologies. It is a sign that they have begun to think of themselves as right rather than as participants in a debate and discussion about right. It is, by definition, self-righteous.

It is also the basis for the most serious sin of power: pride. The most serious sin likely in the history of humanity, in terms of its overwhelmingly tragic consequences, is pride and self-righteousness amongst those who would aspire to power or affiliate themselves with those who might. Why do Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Mussolini, Castro, Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe, and their ilk all maintain their right and means of power despite the clear evil they perpetrate? At a personal level, what animates this kind of stubborn pursuit of evil ends? Do they believe themselves evil? Do they believe they must do battle with good people?

No. I don't think so. I'm fairly clear at this point that, in all likelihood, they have all very much thought of themselves a good people doing what undoubtedly they believe to be some of what they likely believed to be great good in their lifetimes. They believe themselves to be right and, often, the final arbiters of right. Not likely in their deepest, truest hearts. They likely had truer consciences creeping deep below their insanely self-righteous surfaces. But their weakness, their pride, their self-righteous pursuit and maintanence of power was likely very much sustained by a belief that what they were or are doing serves a much better purpose than their detractors give them credit for.

They are wrong, of course. They are evil sons-a-bitches, every single one of them. But they believe themselves to be better.

Don't we all believe ourselves to be better than we really are when we are not doing good or being better than we know we need to be? Of course we do. Every single one of us. It's only once we've learned the lesson that we know what dicks we can be and have been.

To be stronger is not to never be weak. Such an existence does not exist, has never existed, never will exist. We are all weak. We, meaning people, will always be weak. There will never be a dawn when weakness will somehow disappear from our individual or commonly led lives.

To be stronger is to accept our weakness, and ourselves for our weakness. That's not just moralizing or pie-in-the-sky bullshit. That's a practical lesson of life that you can take to the bank. And if you don't believe it, try living another life, and get a taste of what weakness rationalized as sanctimony or bullying or infallibility or any of its many guises looks like. If you have any sense at all - and any desire to live a decent and happy life - you will learn the lesson, hopefully sooner rather than later. Though I have to admit that I have had some fuck-ups in my life that have taken an enormously long period of time for me to own up for.

And that is life. Some people choose so many self-fulfilling prophecies of failure to learn this lesson - this lesson of forgiveness and giving ourselves and one another the freedom and the space to fuck up and learn the lesson. And, admittedly, if your lesson is to stop being a murderous, terrorist motherfucker, you will definitely have to be contained, and killed if necessary, if you can't get the lesson straight. I believe, sincerely and with all my heart, in the power of redemption from our mistakes and sins and fuck-ups in life. And I am not naive in the least to believe that everyone who claims to have taken responsibility for their mistakes have in fact done so. I've given enough empty apologies in my life to know that "I'm sorry," doesn't always mean that I am really sorry or that I will not fuck up again. Nor do I live in a world of cyncism that either assumes that people will burn me with an apology nor that the history of humanity is a story of falling more than picking ourselves up. Picking ourselves up is the rule rather than the exception. And the single most important quality that undermines our and others' capacity to pick themselves up when they have screwed up is their inability to forgive themselves, genuinely, and our inability to forgive them when they cannot or even when they can, that leads people, myself included, to fuck up far longer than I knew I should. Having a mistake held over my head has led me to fuck up more times than once, and has never led me to take responsibility more quickly. Ever.

What I need in a mate is not someone who is looking forward to a life of baseness and ludeness with a lying, no-good two-timer (though I have to admit that the baseness and lewdness has a certain appeal:).

Cheating, by the way, just so happens to be one sin I've never committed, largely because someone I loved very much told me just how much it would hurt if I ever did. I believed her then and now.

What I need in a mate is someone who is stronger than all of this and able and willing to embrace and love people, the world, and me, even for all of its baser and lewder and less noble qualities. I need someone who loves people, genuinely and unconditionally, not just when they behave the way she wants them to behave.

I need someone with the courage to love people. And herself. And me.

I had someone like that for awhile. I hope that's who she still is. I don't get to talk with her much, these days, which is a sign to me of someone rationalizing more weakness than I want in my own life. I don't want the woman I love to give up all of her friendships or old relationships to make me feel secure. That is not and never has been real security. That is weakness and insecurity afraid of its own shadow.

I want someone who is strong enough to love the world with her heart wide open, even when it means heartbreak and pain and tragedy in a world that loves its weaknesses, too often, more than it loves itself and people who rationalize and hide their weaknesses more than they embrace or love themselves or one another.

I want someone who loves herself and me and everyone, more, for who they are, and not just who they wish them to be. I fall short on that one a lot. I sure as hell wish the world was a lot better than it really is. But it's not. And I love all these silly little bastards, anyway. I love them the more I deal with them, is the truth. I just get more infuriated with them, sometimes.

I want someone who loves me and who I can count on in a social situation or who has wisdom to offer or something for me to learn from or can and wants to constructively challenge me, to learn something I don't know, to see how I'm wrong when I don't see it, to be a better man. And I want someone who can love me for who I am, in the meantime.

Once you've had that even just once in your life, there really is no substitute.

I want that sort of love, for real. I want a sustained and sustainable version where that love is taken seriously and not taken for granted and with someone who knows that it is more important than anything else that life has to offer.

And I want to spend many, many loving, romantic, fun, down-to-earth, exciting and not-so-exciting, thoughtful, relaxing, politically incorrect, vulgar, offensive, stupid days, nights, and everything in between and otherwise be head-over-heels in love and everything that comes with it - for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

Really, I just want to have a nice life. And love someone as much as they and I deserve.

And I want to be loved by someone who loves me as much as I love her, and people, in general. I want to be loved by someone whom it hurts like hell to lose because that's just how remarkably special that person is.

I want to be loved by someone who I can look to as strong and as much a rock in my life as I am in hers. I want her to be someone who knows that that strength doesn't come from muscle or money or power or any of these trifling things. That it comes from heart and mind, love and conscience, and being as decent and humble a human being that she or I or anyone we might know or come in contact with knows how to be.

I want someone who is stronger. For real. Not all that posing bullshit. I want someone who makes me stronger in her presence and who I am deeply proud to call my friend and partner and, one day, wife and whom my kids call mom. I want someone who is the kind of mom that my kids are proud of both because of what a good mom and woman she is and, as with me, despite her flaws, not pretending that she nor I nor anyone doesn't have them. I want my kids to kick the living shit out of my legacy, is the truth. And the legacy of their mom. And all of our legacies. I don't want them to be like me. I want them to be better than me. And I want a woman in my life who understands that and who wants to raise kids who learn from her and my failures and mistakes and who teach her and me how to be better people, not reinforce all of our flaws.

I better get work done before I have to head for home, here, in a moment.

I just wanted to think, for a moment, about having someone stronger in my life, and to help me be stronger still.

Love,
Ben

Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Virginia Tech killings and moving forward

The Washington Post has several excellent articles, this morning, about the Virginia Tech shootings. One, in particular, caught my attention.

Campus Shutdown Never Considered

What I'm becoming impressed about in the Post's reporting is the same quality that has me drawn to their opinion page: they engage the debate. The Post definitely has a liberal bias, but it also has an enormous array of columnists with a diverse array of ideological orientations and opinions.

And, these days, many of its journalist, in my experience, are doing the same thing with its reporting of fact: they are engaging the debate. There are far too many one-sided attempts to portray reporting from a particular viewpoint as objective fact. That much Fox News has right. Pretending that your reporting is fact when it clearly represents a particular viewpoint is dishonest. Much better to just acknowledge that you have a particular point of view and engage the debate. And the Post articles I've been reading have been doing one better than that. They have been engaging the debate inside their articles, openly considering different points of view. It is refreshing and important to see that kind of open debate, thought, and engagement animate our public discussion.

It is sad to watch the campus police for Virginia Tech get grilled about their decisions when they, clearly would have done anything to stop these murders had they known what was going to happen, as we all would have done in their shoes. They are right that a campus lockdown could have very well trapped an angry Seung Hui Cho in a dorm or on campus (though they are also right that a lockdown would have been very difficult to impose on an entire campus, and Seung Hui Cho might have still roamed the campus, as well) and caused more carnage.

Campus lockdowns, metal dectectors, security cameras. These are all legitimate options to consider for future school security measures, for Virginia Tech and every school, none of which seem immune to this kind of mayhem. What is not constructive is hurt and angry and pained family members, school officials or self-righteous journalists, and activists always playing with hindsight and trying to find someone to blame. As Lionel Shriver, a novelist writing about school murders, puts it in his Post column, What the Killers Want:

"Even more than these gruesomely gratuitous incidents themselves, I have come to dread the campus shooting's ritual media aftermath -- a secondary wave of atrocity, all conducted under the guise of grief, soul-searching concern and an ostensible determination to ensure that no demented loner ever opens fire on his classmates again."

As Shriver and the Virginia Tech campus police both argue, it is fruitless and counterproductive and unfair to point fingers at people who are in good faith because we are saddened and in pain about what happened here. Looking forward and considering what we might do next is helpful and an important and legitimate discussion and debate to engage. But as with the endless 9/11 commissions and investigations and the myriad of efforts to look into how officials could have prevented a terrible tragedy that had already happened and could not be taken back, no matter how painful or horrific, recrimination serves as a hopelessly ineffective and counterproductive means of preventing tragedy.

When I think about it, it is likely the reason why humanity operated for bulk of its history in unreason and brutishness and repression. Because all we could see in front of us was our need to inflict pain on those who inflicted pain on us, or who we believed we could or should point fingers at for letting that pain happen. And if entire populations were repressed or kept mired in the self-fulfilling prophecy that such repression and violence and force created, then so be it. It was not until important religious figures like Martin Luther would argue for the fundamental rights of conscience and secular political thinkers like Thomas Hobbes, John Locke, Jacques Rousseau, Adam Smith, Alexis DeToqueville, and John Stuart Mill would argue for thinking about government in terms of reason and what it could accomplish and not according to the mystical, self-perpetuating and illiberal terms that governments had operated previous to their conceptions that people began to imagine and embrace liberal futures which would prove to provide for their security and their needs far more substantially.

While Hobbes' Britain languished in sectarian civil war and thoughts of revenge and recrimination and regaining power, Hobbes was thinking about a world where reason rather than religion would justify and animate our thinking about governance.

And during moments like this one in Blackburg, Virginia there are those who languish in pain and recrimination and finger-pointing, and there are those who look forward to a constructive debate and discussion about what can be done to prevent this sort of thing and to substantially improve our capacity to avoid such tragedies.

Many things have occured to me as I've read so much of the coverage about Seung Hui Cho. It's not just that's he was a loner and harboring all sorts of repressed anger and grudges and hurt feelings and that his interest in violent video games may give us a clue into his mentality (I am definitely of the opinion that such features of our vast array of media are a reflection of internal mental states and cultural attitudes much more than causing them, if they have any causal influence at all; they do, however, give us insight into the mentality of individuals and a culture that is obsessed with violence or sex or whatever appetites people might have).

Lionel Shriver, the novelist in today's post, has some important observations. Such killers and their copy-cats often crave the fame and the media attention that they must receive from the media after such a tragedy if we are going to have any shot at preventing such tragedies in the future. They crave the attention. My experience with kids and personally is that such attention-seeking - which is endemic in our culure; kids like Seung Hui Cho just go to horrific ends to get it - is that it is both common and borne of our desire to be valued by others. As Shriver argues, it is also solipsistic, self-pitying, and self-centered. But it also may be reinforced by so many efforts that I believe we foolishly make to try to isolate and pressure and take down those who we want to let know that we do not value, or at least we don't value their actions.

Isolation and exclusion is a means of telling people, "You are not welcome." Pressure is a means of telling people, "You're behavior is not welcome." Often it is deserved. Often enough it is underserved. We certainly don't welcome into our homes someone who has just killed a member of our family. But neither should be exclude or pressure members of our family who are gay or who think differently than we do. But adopting attitudes and policies that are centered around how we use isolation, pressure, exclusion, and other forms of manipulation to enforce societal norms often overwhelms the already limited mental and emotional capacities of those we seek to control. It also often leads, much more tragically, in some ways, to treating people in good faith with suspicion and fear, out of our own fears of being hurt or burned.

Had we known that Seung Hui Cho would strike out like he did, I am sure that any of us would have advocated the need to isolate him and shut him down by any decent means necessary (I would hope that none of us would literally argue for Malcolm X's call for accomplishing our ends "by any means necessary," since doing so rationalizes a long litany of ugly and barbaric means of dealing with this kind of situation - who would advocate bombing Seung Hui Cho's dormitory, for instance? - as well as many less dramatic but still ugly and wrong-headed options). There is an important discussion that needs to take place in schools and universities about how metal dectectors, security cameras, lockdowns and the like can be used to keep people safe in such situations, and not cripple the freedom that make educations and schools such critical and necessary institutions in a liberal democracy.

But there is an equally important discussion about how people like Cho or Kleibold or Harris or any number of such people are treated leading up to their murderous rampages that can much more substantially impact their ugly and deadly ambitions.

The larger question than even the very important and practical question of security on school and university campuses and in the community at large - the Economist surprised me with this lead editorial lamenting what they call, "America's Tragedy," which they describe as American politicians' unwillingness to engage the gun debate and to enact stricter gun control (despite the fact that since 1996, 1 year previous to Britain's ban on handguns, Britain's violent crime rate has risen 69%, according to this 2005 article I read from the Lake County Record-Bee, during a similar period when America's violent crime rate was reaching record lows until 2005 and 2006, when America's crime rate spiked during a period of "get-tough" criminal justice) - is how do we treat people like Cho or Kleibold or Harris or whomever that leads them to act even in this self-pitying, self-centered, solipsistic, and clearly wrong and ugly way?

My experience with working with such kids is that they, like too many of us, really, often harbor a lot of pain and many petty grudges against peers and authority figures. And every time we give them more pain and petty opportunities for nursing grudges, it just accumulates in their hearts without the safety valve that forgiveness and letting go provides. They, like their cultural counterparts in more repressive parts of the world - Palestine, Iraq, North Korea, Cuba - are weak, emotionally and as a matter of deeper perspective and thought, in a world they often don't understand and make enough effort to try to understand, largely as a function of and as a self-fulfilling prophecy of pain and heartache, disrespect and insensitivity, emotional defenses and limited understanding, and made weaker still by their failure to forgive and let go of petty grudges and even more serious and real pain and tragedy that they have experienced in their lives.

It is no mistake that liberal democratic cultures are more forgiving and stronger in so many important ways that more repressive cultures take for weakness because of a failure of understanding and perspective on why their cultures suffer so many hardships. The liberal democratic world and those infused with its values more solidly are stronger because they forgive so easily. It is their relatively stronger ability to look forward, to stay engaged in a dynamic and forever evolving world, rather than get mired in grudges and hardships and pain from the past, that makes their cultures stronger in their capacity to deal, more effectively, with the many different challenges and problems that life offers us, strong or weak. And our democracy offers us more choices and checks on the capacity for any one group or ideology or individual political leader to dominate those most important questions for too long a period (although, it does often seem like groups or people or ideas dominate for too long, despite our best efforts, largely because too many of us still romanticize a time when one group or individual or idea will finally dominate and make all of our troubles go away).

And individuals like Seung Hui Cho, very much like violent or recriminatory cultures like Palestine, are weaker for their harbored pain and grudges and disgruntlement.

The last thing that we want to do in such situations, then, is give them more excuse to harbor pain and lash out at others. That doesn't mean we should appease them. We shouldn't. What it means is that we should make more effort to make such people and all people feel valued for what constructive, healthy, and sustaining contributions that they have to offer.

Right now, we are going through a period where even the most self-sacraficing and contributing members of our society - like those campus police - are being treated consistently and without wavering, with suspicion, force, and aggression. It is overwhelming even for the strongest among us. It is more especially so for the weakest and most pained and grudging among us.

The efforts to force society to shape up have, in great part, been well-meaning, I believe. I don't think they've been carried out by bad people, to say the least. To the contrary, those who believe in their capacity to force people to shape up (and I have, sadly, counted myself among them, at times) are some of the best people I know or have familiarity with.

They are not bad. They are mistaken, I believe. And failing to look more honestly at their failures. I count myself among that category as well, I believe. I am getting much better. I think many people are, these days.

Clearly, if any of us had known what Seung Hui Cho was going to do that day, we would or should have all been prepared to force Cho, if possible, to give up his weapon and his crusade. Those officers were clearly prepared to do so. They just had no idea what Cho was planning. None of us did.

But the saddest thing about this period of human history is that the world entire has been rationalizing its worst impulses - its weaker, more recriminatory, more cynical, more pained, more grudging, more self-sabatoging, more self and otherwise destructive impulses - which are the exact impulses that animate the weaker, more destructive, more violent, more repressed and repressive members of humanity. Our fear of such people - of school shooters and terrorists, of opposing political parties and their operatives and ideological counterparts, of despots and the repressive cultures that too often support them - has led us down a dark and tempting path of hoping to control and punish and force them to leave us unthreatened by their weaker, more destructive impulses. And contrary to all of our hopes for such a strategy, such efforts have, generally, led to greater ambitions on the part of those we fear to cause us destruction and suffering and pain.

Western religious culture refers to this tendency as living by the sword and dying by the sword. Do unto others as they would do unto you has a dark corollary, as it turns out. If we treat others with fear and suspicion and with ambitions to overpower them, they will often do the same. Even, and often especially, if they are too weak to do so for any sustained period of time.

And our weakness inspires the weaknesses of others. Mine too, as it turns out. All of us, as it turns out.

But the brilliance of the promise of liberal democratic values and society is that our growth comes not from the illusion that fighting weakness will make it go away (though clearly we must stop Al Queda's and Seung Hui Cho's of the world from committing their evil deeds). Our brilliance is in recognizing, better, that embracing our weakness, our weakest members, and especially our weakness and our pride in our belief in power and aggression to make our fears and our problems go away, forgiving ourselves that weakness, and learning from it, is where real strength lies.

Strength and progress does not lie in pretending that a weaker approach is a stronger one, despite consequences to the contrary. Progress lies in embracing our weakness, especially our pride, and taking more genuine responsibility for it as a matter of conscience rather than as a matter of fear. That was the point of more genuinely liberal and progressive authors like Nathaniel Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter or Herman Melville and Billy Budd, or more genuine liberal leaders like Jesus, the Buddha, Mohatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, or Desmond Tutu.

Their point was not that we would not sin, nor that we should sin, including and especially the sin of pride, violence and destructiveness, and the abuse of power.Their point was that individuals and communities would and do sin and cause harm and destruction to one another. Ghandi was fully aware and saddened by the destruction promised by Hindus and Muslims on one another following independence. King was aware and concerned about the destruction that blacks were threatening and would rain down upon their own communities, sadly, more than on whites, after his death. Desmond Tutu was anticipating such a reaction when he developed a truth and reconciliation commission in South Africa to ward off exactly that temptation by South Africa's majority black population, which has now become the template for truth and reconciliation efforts in war-torn areas of the world like Bosnia, East Timor, Iraq and elsewhere.

Their point was not that the sins of humanity, including its more destructive and violent impulses, would go away forever through forgiveness. And to the extent that they believed that forgiveness alone would stop such ugliness or any of the ugliness that we face in the world, today, they were wrong. Force is clearly necessary in as limited of circumstances as possible to prevent violence and destruction towards others.

Their point is that forgiveness is the essence of the only decent path forward. That vengance and destructiveness are our basest, weakest impulses betraying us. And that betrayal has unintended consequences. Seung Hui Cho may or may not have learned of those consequences as he shot himself dead after taking the lives of so many others. Al Queda is likely not learning that lesson as they exact their revenge on the American infidel.

Most people, though, do learn that lesson, I'm confident, given our largely progressive historical record.

Amidst all of the mess that humanity makes of this central fact of life, the only path forward, for individuals and for humanity, generally, is one of forgiveness and reflection and thought and conscience learning the lessons from our failures as much as celebrating our successes.

In Blacksburg, it means having a discussion about the future of school and campus security that both tries to deal with the practical ramifications of preventing this kind of rampage and learning to treat one another more compassionately and decently and teaching, as much as they will learn the lesson, people like Seung Hui Cho, to do the same. With others, but especially, with himself.

The most serious problem for people like Cho or Kleibold or Harris is not how they are treated by others, though this is certainly a place where we can and must improve our capacity to prevent these kinds of tragedies. The most serious problem they face is how they treat themselves, perpetually nursing, and holding on, and not giving adequate voice to their grudges and hurt and self-pity. And the most important place that we could start to effect change in this respect is to be better examples and to do a better job, ourselves, of treating ourselves better rather than perpetually nursing, holding onto, and not giving adequate voice to our own grudges and hurt and self-pity. And the most important way that we could make this more available to people is to stop making people afraid to do so, for fear of punishments that do more to repress problems and make them go unspoken rather than be given voice and an opporunity for resolution.

That is the central failure of repression. It causes more pain to people who need to have healthy and open avenues for expressing their present pain, and to more openly discuss even their most awful and ridiculous thoughts if they are to better and more consistently let the pain go, to engage discussions about how to deal with their problems better, and to take responsibility for their lives. And, sadly, repression undermines the ability of even the most constructive and thoughtful among us to engage such discussions to get at better solutions.

That is the failure of repression in the life of Seung Hui Cho. And it is the failure of repression in the land and culture of Palestine. They are one and the same. One at the individual level. One at that cultural level.

And the sad and tragic irony of the beginning of the 21st century is that we have begun this new century by rationalizing all of the worst, most destructive, most repressive impulses and ideas and governing philosophies of the 20th century and earlier human history out of our failure to come to terms with the failure of such destructiveness and repression to resolve so many of our problems, and our own illiberal logic from which they spring, and to, instead, very much keep those problems in place.

Our hope lies in embracing that weakness, and all of the weaknesses that we are subject to. Our hope and our future lies in accepting and forgiving our humanity so that we can be responsible for it and take more authentic steps forward.

I am very much susceptible to this weakness of fear and aggression and the temptations of power. And I and noone will move forward in this regard by rationalizing that weakness, or any of our weaknesses. I and everyone can only move forward by embracing it, forgiving it and more genuinely moving forward.

I've already seen that work far too thoroughly in my own life to easily dismiss it. Our challenge, now, is when, more than if, we will embrace that as a culture, and not just as individuals, and certainly not as passive observers waiting for prophets or martyrs to sacrafice themselves for us.

We need to decide if we are going to continue to take the path of Stalin and Hitler, Mao and Mussolini, Al Queda and Seung Hui Cho - the path of repression and vengeance and power - or the path of Hawthorne and Melville, Jesus and Buddha, Ghandi and King - the path of patient reason and forgiveness and genuine liberal progress. We need to decide if we are going to give into the pressures and temptations that terrorism and school violence and so many of our worst ills create to follow a reactive like path of repression and destructiveness. Or if we are going to embrace the risk and uncertainty and possibility and opportunity that freedom affords us to deal with problems more openly, honestly and thoughtfully and without a false pride that we have arrived at final answers that we have not.

Right now, we are taking the road of more aggression and force and repression. And perhaps that is best, if only to face its clear failure to resolve our problems.

But in its place we will need an understanding of the use of force and aggression that does not play to this false choice that we have created in these most recent debates about force or not. We will need a conception of force that creates a presumption about its use that assumes that we should use it as constructively as possible, which means as little as possible and only as much as necessary. We have been deferring to an idea of force and power without limits, in the most recent years. We are and will continue to discover that such limits are present whether we acknowledge them or not.

I do grow discouraged every day that I have to face another colleague or another administrator angrily or aggressively push or pressure me around this or that issue, and fail to listen to me when I make perfectly clear for them how counterproductive such efforts are and have been. My most profound hope is that such ugliness cannot possibly be sustained since they cannot sustain us. What they do is undermine and take for granted my trust in their good intentions despite their miserable results and, more important to me, their miserable treatment of me. It makes life less worth living, except in the knowledge that I can soon be out of their presence and engaged in more worthy or constructive efforts.

And this weekend very much reinforced for me that it is a calm reflection and discussion and exchange and civility and human decency that are now and forever the future of humanity, including how we thoughtfully engage matters of safety and security. I am quite tired of our more aggressive and forceful ways. It was nice to have a couple days off from people being nasty and mean and aggressive with me and to get more done by being nicer and more relaxed in my efforts to complete work.

I've decided that this is what I want most of all. In my relationships and friendships. In my work. In my off-time. I just want to spend as much time as possible with people who treat me decent even as we rigorously consider important questions or don't so rigorously consider less important questions. I'm tired of having people be dicks to me, all the time, not ever take responsibility for it. I'm tired of people being too weak, personally, intellectually, or otherwise, to acknowledge that their being a dick undermines mine and their goals, rather than facilitating either, since it leaves me dreading to communicate or discuss anything at all with them, important or not. And I am tired, in general, with everyone pretending like being dicks doesn't have anything to so many of the problems we face today, even though many of our problems seem to get worse the bigger dicks we are.

Maybe if it all isn't so repressed, we can see, better, why it doesn't work. I can only hope. Because all I want is to spend time with people, more, who understand this. Or at least understand to treat me better. I'm tired of being the subject of peoples' aggression and force rather than just having grown-up conversations with people. And what I am sure of is that more conversations like this one are not grown-up in ways that get us to solutions of our problems. And they drain all the energy out of me to tackle such problems in the meantime.

Love,
Ben