Resolved to having a nice life:):):)...

I think this time off has been good for me:):)...

This morning:)...I've been really resolved...

That...I'm not interested in being scared for the rest of my life...

Of losing a job...or a house...or whatever...or whatever financial consequences might come with that...or of whatever, really...

And that I'm going to start talking more honestly and openly about that...with bosses and loan officers, when necessary:):):)...

And that I feel really great...about my capacities as a thinker...and as a teacher...and as someone who has a lot to contribute to almost any situation I might find myself in:):):)...totally independent of what others feel about me:):)...good or bad:):):)...

And that I'm just not as easily intimidated any more:):)...as easily I was, at least, when I feared the repercussions more of doing something to piss off someone with whatever power:):)...

It's the great thing about facing that fear in the workplace so many times:):):)...

After awhile:):):)...it just doesn't scare you any more:):):)...

So be it, is my philosophy now:):):)...as Sally from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown might say:):):)...

I'm actually quite convinced that I've discovered/theorized/uncovered some really important fundamental ideas about people...and power...and their problems...and those problems' solutions:):)...and life:):):)...

And I feel much more secure in that and in myself, as a consequence, now:):):)...and from now on, I assume:):)...

It just occurred to me, today...that if I couldn't just stop and feel good about my contributions to this world:):)...about my capacity to contribute:):)...and not be afraid all the time about being fired...or being out of a living situation...or whatever...

That noone really could:):):)...

And I'm just not interested in living a life where that would somehow be some kind of deadend of a life that everyone would just accept:):):)...rather than deciding to live different:):):)...

So I'm deciding to live different:):):)...

And I feel really good about it:):):)...

I feel, now...that I have a fairly realistic outlook on both how many important social and political efforts can be accomplished:):)...and not just self-righteously asserted:):)...or grandstanded on:):)...

And a sense of integrity to everyone involved:):)...much more than I understood while I was still in school:):):)...

There is something to experience, I think:):)...though learning to accept realities doesn't mean settling for them:):):)...

And I'm just tired, frankly, of spinning my wheels all the time...trying to meet expectations many of which people have no intention, at all, of being realistic or reasonable with:):)...

People can wait, I've decided:):):)...and if they don't like that:):):)...then they can go huff and puff either in healthy, constructive way with me:):):)...or they can take it somewhere else:):):)...

The truth is...that we all deserve to have people be patient...and kind...and decent with us:):):)...

And if I haven't earned it, frankly:):):)...noone ever will:):):)...

And I'd much rather live a life where I expect that:):):)...regardless of whether folks are ready or comfortable or prepared for that or not:):):)...than resign myself to a life where I can never just expect that people be reasonable with me:):)...and just kind of fuck off, frankly, if they're not:):):)...

I do want a nice life:):)...

A nice teaching job:):)...and writing and teaching for a living:):)...

A nice middle class home:):):) (I've never liked big houses, frankly:):):)...a house is supposed to be a home, I think:):):)...not a trophy:):)...or something that scares or intimidates the neighbors:):):)...

Time off for vacations and traveling:):):)...

Time to study:):)...and reflect:):)...and work constructively on important issues in our/my communities and life:):):)...

But to have those things...and to not be constantly afraid of losing them:):):)...

Priceless:):):)...

And that's how I intend to live my life:):):)...

Whether life is ready for that or not:):):)...

Love,
Ben