Spending time alone...

Sometimes I feel so taken for granted:)...there are rare times in my life -- that have gotten more frequently, lately -- that I just don't want to talk with anyone...so tired do I get of people not giving a shit...and playing life to the lowest common denominator...and bullshitting me and themselves...

This is one of those times...

Man, have I gotten shit on quite a bit this last week...and...though I know that people who engage in it must get some private thrill from being such dicks...

I'm just tired of it...

I just have a serious issue with people who keep swimming in their own bullshit and can never take any responsibility for it, at all...and when their bullshit involves fucking with me...

It just makes it so hard to take the high road...when everyone seems to be taking the low road...because they just can't quite find it in themselves to be grown-ups...

It's a rare quality to see someone take the high road...when the low road is just too easy and tempting to pass up...no matter how many people you cut off and fuck with to take the shortcut...

I guess I kind of understand the temptation...I'm like anyone else...I don't always do the right thing or the best thing...

I do my best not to rationalize it...

I guess...when I think about that...that I fail at that...a lot...and not just small things...big things...I'm just as human as anyone else on the big things as much as the small things...

But I try to both be responsible for that...

And to be pretty open-hearted with myself and others when I or others screw up...

A lot of it is from my experiences growing up, I think...

I had a dad who made a lot of mistakes...but who was much more responsible than my mom about taking responsibility for them...

And I had a mom who I love...but who was much more self-righteous...and who lamed out of responsibility quite a bit...but pointing fingers plenty...

Meaning...I had a dad who just more responsible than my mom...

And the contrast was a stark lesson in what it really meant to be a good human being...

Being good...I've learned...does not at all mean not doing bad...because if it did...none of us could qualify...

Being good...means doing your best...and when you screw up...you do your best to notice it...acknowledge it...and take responsibility for it...

And all self-righteousness does is help reinforce our own foolish behavior...it acts as one long self-defense...against taking responsibility for our bullshit...

Which would be much facilitated, really...if we learned to be less self-righteous...and to accept each other and our mistakes more readily...

It's so funny...

My favorite bit of wisdom from Jesus...is that we often pluck the splinter from someone else's eye...before we pluck the beam from our own...

The older I get...

The more I realize that this is more truism than approbation...

Jesus was guilty of it too...

And was still this really great guy, despite it:):):)...

If I was hanging out with Jesus:):):)...

I'd probably be like..."Hey, dude...why so much yelling and screaming and throwing the merchant's stuff, like that, in the temple...maybe you need some "me time," Jesus:):):)...maybe a vacation at the Crawford Ranch:):):)...or Martha's Vineyard:):):)...or maybe just time with some movies...or a night out with friends:):):)"...

I think Jesus would have been one of the cooler people to hang out with, during his time:):):)...

But I probably would have tried to help him chill out, some:):):)...

But then again...he was dealing with a lot of shit that I'm not:):):)...

And a lot of my friends don't understand my reactions all the time...

And a lot of the time its because I'm dealing with more shit than they are aware...

I guess I just feel that if we didn't all take out our shit on one another so much...

If we could all be more decent to one another...and sensitive to one another...

And not such assholes all the time...

Then we'd all...

...stop being such assholes to one another all the time:):):)LOL:):):)...

Which seems like a pretty good thing to me, you know?:):):)...

Not being such assholes to one another, all the time:):):)...

It just seems like not being such assholes would just be a better world than being such assholes to one another all the time...

I know:):):)...it's a complicated concept:):):)...

What's complicated, I think...is being aware, more, of what assholes we can all be...all of us...no exceptions...nowhere...period:):):)...and if you think you're not being an asshole...it's a sure sign that you are and that you're being a particularly recalcitrant asshole who just doesn't want to come to terms with what an asshole you're being:):):)...

You may fool a lot of people:):):)...but you don't fool me:):):)...

Which is alright:):):)...

Because I'll forgive you and me and all of us more readily and authentically for it:):):)...

I can't do it instantly...unfortunately:):):)...though I'm working on that, more:):):)...

But I'll do my best:):):)...

Which is the only thing I can really expect from anyone, I think...

But that's not my frustration, right now...

My frustration, right now...is that so many people are constantly taking the low road...

That so many people get lost in their own bullshit...acting like it's no big deal...or trying to make it looks prettier than it really is...

I don't equivocate...I've been a real asshole more times than I can count in my life...

But what's really been pissing me off, lately...

Is so many people pretending that they're not being real assholes when they are...

Either with open aggressiveness and bullying...

Or with passive aggressiveness and more subtle nastiness...

And sometimes it just leads me to want to just spend some time alone...you know?...just get away from people, altogether...

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?...

That someone who's whole life is centered around making peoples' lives better...including his own:):):)...

Would want to spend so much time on his own...and just get away from people for awhile...while I just kind of turn to the one person in my life who I can count on to be decent to me, most of the time...

Me...

Tonight...I'm just listening to some Van Morrison:):):)...and some Sinead O'Connor -- her version of "You Do Something To Me," off of the Red, Hot, and Blue album is the best I've ever heard of that song:):):)...

And just being by myself...

Wondering if I'll ever be able to hang out with friends...

And ever just have them say, "I'm sorry for being such a prick"...

It seems like such a simple thing, doesn't it?...

Just saying "I'm sorry for being such a dick"...and meaning it...not doing it to appease me...doing it because they really feel bad for being kind of shitty...

When I was in grad school...after Brandi's mom and I got in a stupid fight about balancing my checkbook:):):)...

I apologized...after spending the night at my grandma's house...instead of at Brandi's and her mom's house:):):)...

And Brandi's aunt Dory told me...

"It's a big man who says that they're sorry"...

And...at this point in my life...I realize...

This is what makes a big person, period...

This is what makes us grown-ups in our lifetime...

Our capacity to say...

"I'm sorry"...

It seems so simple, doesn't it?...

How is it that something so simple gets so complicated by our foolish, overly aggressive, overly defensive, dumbass natures?:):):):):):):)...

Who knows:):):)...

I just know that it would nice to have more big people in my life...more grown-ups...

In my life...and in life, generally...

Rather than the same old bullshit...and cynicism...and not caring...and not giving enough of a shit...and thick skins...

And all the defenses that keep us all acting like such children, all the time...

Wouldn't it be nice to have a world...a community...a life...

Surrounded by people who take responsibility more readily?...who support one another, better, to take responsibility better?...who act more like grown-ups more often...more like big people...

Rather than just having a handful of big people...that we read...and study...and glean wisdom from...

Wouldn't it be great to have a whole world full of them?...

I think so:)...

A world of people who both take full advantage of the freedom and equity and decency and humanity, generally, that the world has to offer...

And who work, constantly, to enlarge it...in both big ways...and in all the million smaller ways that make our lives so good...and that we completely take for granted...all the time...

That's my vision, at least...

A world where we each and where we all...take more ready responsibility for our own lives...

And for one another...

A world of bigger people...all learning and growing:):)...

And supporting the growth and learning of one another along the way:):):)...

I know some people like this:):):)...

Though they are few and far between, sometimes:):):)...

Almost everyone I've ever met, personally, in life, seems to do this...but it is a wonderful and rare quality to meet people who do this regularly:):):)...

And I suppose we all slip...God knows I do:):):)...so I know I need to cut people still and always more slack:):):)...

And it is a real pleasure to meet people who look to take the high road in life...

Even when the low road is just so tempting...

I don't know if they make more money...

I don't know if Van Morrison...or Bob Marley...or Dar Williams...or They Might Be Giants...or Indigo Girls...or Crash Test Dummies...or Arrested Development...or Louis Armstrong...or any of my favorite musicians make or made more money...

I don't know...

I don't care...

I just remember the feeling I felt when I first heard Van Morrison and Bob Marley...making love with my first really serious girlfriend...

Or Dar Williams...or Sinead O'Connor and Annie Lennox off of the Red Hot and Blue album...being so thoroughly in love with my second and last really serious girlfriend...

Or Indigo Girls...or Crash Test Dummies...or Arrested Development when I needed to listen to someone who had something new and valuable and beautiful to say about people...and the world...

Or how much I really value reading someone like Amartya Sen...or Abraham Maslow...or Joe Nye...or Gordon Wood...or Stephen Ambrose...or Desmond Tutu...or Martin Luther King...or Mohatma Ghandi...or Buddha...or Jesus Christ...or Joseph Campbell...or Albert Einstein...

When I want to read someone who seems to have really deep, powerful insights into the world...

I guess a lot of people could give two shits about that kind of stuff...

About caring more about the world...

But I do...

And I wish more people did too...

And I want to do my part to create a world where...as much as possible...

People are just more grown-up...

Where they take the high road, more often...

Where they work more...to be better human beings...

To be more decent...to be more thoughtful...to care more...about themselves...and about others...

And sometimes...ironically...in the course of that...

I just want to be away from people, I guess...

And just spend time with the one person I can count on to be most decent with me...me...

The more people treat me like shit...the more they take me for granted...and the less they can just say, "I'm sorry"...

The more I just want to spend time with myself...

Just be away from peoples' bullshit...

Until they can finally pull themselves out of it...

Enough to begin to grow up...

To look at themselves honestly in the mirror...

And just be responsible for themselves...

It's such a rare quality...

That one...

But I'd rather hold out for the possibility...that people can learn how to do that...

Than just keep doing the same ol', same ol'...

Goddamn, Van Morrison is awesome:):):)...thanks Jenny, for introducing me to him:):)...my first love:):)...and some of the first music I ever made love to...

You know how long since I've been in love?:)...

It's been a long time...

Almost four years...well...I was in love well past four years ago...but four years ago was the last time I shared love with anyone:)...

Van Morrison reminds me that it'd be nice to share that with someone again...

You know when you're in love and you don't have to do anything special...maybe get some wine and some flowers...maybe make some dinner...have some candlelight...maybe check out a movie...or visit with friends...and just make love...and lay in bed together...

I miss that:):)...

It's so amazing to me that so many people spend so much time trying to fill up their time:):):)...

When...when you've had that feeling:):):)...you know it's the only feeling that really matters, down deep, in the world...

The intimacy that comes with really loving someone...being in love with them...down deep...

I just watched Barefoot in the Park for the third time, again, this morning:):):)...

And I was reminded...watching Robert Redford and Jane Fonda being two really sweet young newlyweds just being in love...

Of what that was like, again:):)...

That's how we all spend more of our time, I think...

Loving one another...

Being in love:):):)...

Laying in bed with someone special...sharing our hopes and dreams...and frustrations...and supporting one another:):):)...

And feeling inspired to be better people, as a consequence:):):)...

It's very much like I told Brandi about our relationship:):):)...

That...together:):):)...our love made us more than either of us could be totally on our own:):):)...

That love that inspires us to be better people, I think...

It's a nice feeling:):)...

I'm gonna make some mac and cheese...listen to Van Morrison...and Dar Williams...and every romantic song I can get my hands on:):):)...and go to bed, I think:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...snuggle up with someone you love, this weekend:):):)...hope you're all doing well:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Darkness before the dawn:):):)...

I'm pretty sure, now, that we are seeing the darkness before the dawn...

Because this whole last week...today, especially...

I'm been getting a really nice peek at the dawn:):):)...

And it's a really beautiful view, let me tell you:):):)...

When I was in grad school:):)...

I went through this really cynical period:)...

Brandi can tell you about it, if you ask her:):)...

It was the middle of the Clinton Administration and the Gingrich/Dole Congress...which was both a highwater mark for some really constructive policy, I think:):)...and a low point for some really awful partisanship, as well...

And I was just growing really disillusioned that Washington D.C. was even really capable of doing good, much of the time...and I was feeling increasingly disconnected from Washington politicians and journalists and others and all their thick skins and cynicism...

And I was trying to make sense of it all...of how so many people who believed in doing good in the world...

Could all act to terribly towards one another...

How in the world I was supposed to look at that as some kind of model of morality...or neighborliness...or decency...or humanity...or whatever...

And I'm increasingly come to the conclusion...

That I'm not...

That power has nothing at all to do with doing or being good, much of the time...

Sometimes it does...

And sometimes it's necessary...

But that the ideal of a self-governing nation doesn't at all involve politicians of whatever stripes...or even citizens of whatever stripes...always lording over one another...as if they're power-tripping and bullying had anything to do with being or doing good or facilitating authentic self-governance amonst individuals, communities, and societies...which the more base reactions to Hurricane Katrina totally give lie to...

It is the generosity of Americans, during this time, that is the model of self-governance that we should all learn from and do justice to by following its example...

And everything else, really, is just bullshit...yet one more target for our ongoing bitterness and anger that the world is not as clean and predictable and without tragedy as we would want...and a fundamental failure of our humanity...to come to terms with tragedy as a fact of human existence...now and forever...

So...in grad school...I felt the pain of a world that disappointed me...

And I chose cynicism...for awhile, at least...

Brandi could tell you more about it...it was kind of dark time for me...

But...today...I see and experience that same pain...

And I choose idealism...and constructiveness...and decency...and humanity...and generosity...and a generally helping spirit...

Because it is the only thing that does any damn good in this world...

Everything is just bullshit, really...

And I'm not interested in pretending any different any more...

And the disaster that accompanied Katrina...has just been something of a clarifying moment for me...something of a watershed...

That cycicism is just one long slippery slope of rationalizing what assholes we are...

And how I don't want to rationalize, at all, ever...ever...any more...being an asshole, anymore...

I don't want to be an asshole, any more...as much as possible...ever...

And I want to take responsibility for it every single time I am...

Every single time...

Period...

No excuses...

And that's what it means to be decent...and responsible...and good, I think...

And that's me for the rest of my life...

Embracing my inner asshole...really embracing him...loving him...and understanding him better...

And taking responsibility every step along the way:):)...

And doing everything I can to maintain...enlarge...elaborate...innovate...and otherwise inspire that spark of idealism...

For the rest of my life...

And make no excuses for myself, any more, when I don't...

It was nice to do that for three months and several years with someone else to help me reinforce that:):):)...

But...while it's not the same thing...doing it without sharing it with someone...

I'm really proud of myself doing that today...on my own...whether people around me reinforce it or not:):):)...

Just being good...and aspiring to be better...always...and embracing the moments and the impulses to do otherwise:):):)...

And it sure beats the dark fantasy that we can somehow avoid doing bad in our lifetimes...and that we've got to beat ourselves up and beat everyone else up, along the way...while we both rationalize it...and hate ourselves for it:):)...

I feel like...in this really fundamental way...

That I've grown up in the last week...

In a really fundamental way...

Because it's not a way that anyone demonstrated for me, really...

It's been a path that I've followed others for, when they had directions...

And that I've blazed on my own, when they didn't:):):)...

And I'm really proud of that:):):)...

I do wish I had someone to share it with:):):)...

But it's alright that I don't:):):)...

I really, really like who I am today:):):)...

And I want to be more like this and better for the rest of my life:):):)...

And hopefully...share it with my friends and family, of course:):):)...

And...find someone who wants to step out of their comfort zones:):):)...take on the challenge:):):)...

And share this life with me:):):)...

To aspire for greatness:):):)...and not the same old mediocrity that the world has to offer right now and perpetually:):):)...

I feel completely renewed, right now:):)...

I feel like a kid again:):):)...seeing the world with wonder...and curiosity:):):)...and boundless love:):):)...

But not naive...at all...

Just embracing reality as it is...

And committed to making it better:):):)...

And borrowing ideas from all kinds of people, along the way:):):)...on how to make it better:):):)...

Have you ever had that feeling?...that feeling that your life really matters, I mean...really matters...

I definitely recommend it...

Because there's nothing like it...

You couldn't buy this feeling if you wanted to:):)...

You earn it:):):)...

And I'm proud as hell that I've earned it:):):):)...

I have one friend who once aspired to earn it like this...she's the only one who has ever aspired to try to earn it in a way even close to this:):):)...I hope she continues on that path, at some point...

And I'm looking forward, like crazy, to meeting others, along the way:):):)...

And maybe one of them...a girl, hopefully:):):)...will choose to earn it along with me:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

How living in a tough world has taught me that I just want to live a life without so much unnecessary pain and fear:):)...

Playing: Clint Black...Something that we do...The shoes you're wearing...Ode to Chet...

I've been exhausted all week...I was in some serious pain, last night, totally worn out and dragging ass like I haven't dragged ass ever before at Amarr or at any job, really...except for maybe grad school, maybe...though I was totally at my wits end, last night...

It's funny...living in a tough world -- in a world tough because of too much ugliness from conventional sources, to be sure...but a world full of too many good people who've developed thick skins and tough exteriors to deal with their fear of the more conventional ugliness in the world -- is teaching me something really important...

That the one really most important thing I want out of life...for myself and for my kids and for my family...

Is a life without so much goddamned unecessary pain and fear...

There's just too much of it in the world...everywhere...it doesn't just come from one group of people or another...it comes from all of us...and I just want less of it, in the world...

I want to be less of a source of it...

And I want to be less a recepient of it...

I'm tired of being afraid and being hurt everywhere I go...

At work...

With friends...

With family...

Everywhere...

I just want to live a life where I don't have to worry, all the time...

"What am I being threatened with this time?...How are people threatening to hurt me or actually hurting me, this time?...and what new excuse do they have for doing it to me, this time?"...

You know...I watch politics...and the most important things in the world...and I see so much bullshit...but bullshit, too often, that too many average people at least say that they want...and then get upset when they get it...

I watch so many people who are so afraid of the world...that they constantly feel like they have to flex their muscles...beat their chests...

It's like the opening scene in Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey, that I just watched again...

Kubrick portrays the dawn of humanity...with his and Arthur C. Clarke's vision of daily life of pre-human apes...

Their brute natures...their aggressiveness...their fear of other clans of apes...and their wild responses to a world full of threats to their lives and fear of what they don't understand...

And I think...we're all still much too much like that, really...

As my great friend, Jason Blick always says...we're all just a bunch of monkeys...

And it's true...

We're all such monkeys...all beating our chests...trying to make all the scary monkeys and the scary things in the world go away...

Rather than using the one most important capacity that our humanity offered us -- our heads -- integrated more fully with the capacity that both makes us so great and that scares us so much, much of the time -- our hearts -- to understand ourselves and one another better...to stop being so afraid of ourselves and one another...to stop beating our chests at one another like apes still trying to scare away all the monkeys and threats in the world that scare us...

I realize, now...that in my fear of the world...and all the fear and pain it has to offer...even from the most decent among us...that I've too often in my life been a source of fear and pain for others...

And I'm totally clear, now, that there's so much pain and fear in the world, as is...that I couldn't possibly make it all go away, if I wanted to...

But I'm tired of contributing to it...

And I'm tired of feeling in its grip, all the time...

And the thing I've always wanted for my life...and that I want for others...

Is a life without fear and pain so much of the time...and ideally...a life where unecessary fear and pain is something we just stop inflicting on one another...

No matter how much we evolve...human beings...

We're still just all these scared little monkeys...always looking over our shoulders at what threats other monkeys pose...and, in the process, scaring the bejeesus out of all the other monkeys around us...

And as much as anything else...

We're afraid of ourselves...

Of our natures...our baser instincts, especially...and our capacity to hurt others...

Abraham Maslow wrote quite a bit about this in his really great book that I've talked about probably a hundred times on this blog:):):)...The Farther Reaches of Human Nature...

About the need for human beings to embrace their lower natures...to integrate them more fully into their lives...to strive for what he calls "B-values"...the highest aspirations of humanity...

That's why I do the work I do the way I do it...

I don't want to just write more sterile academic text in sterile academic environments...as much as I value how important that work often is...

I want to embrace myself and others in the world...just as we are...and do my best to let go of the fear...and to teach and demonstrate for others that if we all learn to embrace ourselves, more, and to be less afraid of the world...

That most of the really terrible things in the world will occur less often...that we'll all get better...a little bit at a time...

And coming of age in an era when so many people are romanticizing tough, breast-beating responses to complex problems that need more head and heart and less brutishness...

I've just come to the conclusion that the one thing that I want for my own life, at least...is a life without so much goddamn fear in it, all the time...

I realize...looking back over my life for the last 14 years I've lived on my own...and on my entire life, when I really think about it...

That the thing I've desired more than anything else...that is just so much clearer, now, the more I listen to people foolishly celebrate the breast-beating and the more people use fear in their relationship with me...counterproductively, as a rule...

The life I want more than any other...

Is a life without so much fear and pain...so much unnecessary hurting and threatening of one another...

A life where people can breathe more easily...

Where they can be themselves and be more at peace with being themselves than they are now...

A life more real...and less superficial...in our dealings with one another...

And a life where...out of embracing ourselves for who we are...our baser instincts...as well as our higher instincts...

That we do exactly what I know is true in my life...and which Maslow wrote so eloquently about...

Where...when we have an free choice...a real, authentic free choice...between our worse and our better instincts...

That we generally choose our better instincts...

And just kind of embrace our more base instincts:):):)...

And I can take or leave the rest, really...

Money...power...sex...drugs...lust...gluttony...greed...sloth...wrath...envy...vanity(the seven deadly sins that I, ironically, learned from the great horror movie, Seven, and never from any religious text:):):)...and self-righteousness...the eighth and quite possibly most serious deadly sin:):):)...

That I can embrace mine and everyone's desire for these things...and not get too bogged down in their getting too wrapped up in them...

And just have a good and decent life...just living without so much fear...and just trying to do good...

I'm tired of being afraid...I wish everyone were, really...and maybe they are...but most people, I'm afraid, are more committed to holding onto their fears...than letting them go...

Life is just better, I think...with as little of it, as possible, with us stuck in fear and pain...and the aggression that generally accompanies, it...

Fear and pain and aggression are a part of life, much of the time...but the more we can let go of them...the least fear and pain and aggression we can manage to act on in the world...and inflict on others...and still deal as effectively as possible with the challenges in front of us...the better off we are, I think...

And right now...I think we're all just like those apes in 2001 Space Odyssey...we're just all beating our chests...hoping we scare away all the monkeys who threaten us...

Even when doing so isn't the best that we have to offer...

Even when those with much wisdom and intelligence and heart have worked to improve how we deal with the difficult problems of the world...

We just get too stuck in our pain and fear and our subsequent chest-beating...

And I'm one monkey who is both tired of all the chest beating and pain and fear...of contributing to it...and of it living with what pain and fear others have to offer to my life...

My whole life I read and read about people who seemed to understand this lower nature, better, for their times...Mark Twain...Henry David Thoreau...Lao-Tzu...Buddha...Jesus...Ghandi...Martin Luther King...

And then I read people for our time who seemed to understand it better...

Abraham Maslow...Joseph Nye...Amartya Sen...Desmond Tutu...Benjamin Barber...Jeffrey Sachs...Stephen Ambrose...James McPherson...John Rawls...Ronald Dworkin...Paul Light...Sarah Lawrence Lightfoot...Terry Moe and John Chubb...
John McWhorter...Shelby Steele...Taylor Branch...Howard Gardiner...Robert Sternberg...Doris Kearns Goodwin...Michael Beschloss...Harold Bloom...Lisbeth Schorr...Milton Friedman...Ronald Coase...Richard Posner...Joseph Campbell...Albert Einstein...

And even writers with less depth of vision but still important contributions to our understanding of the human condition...

David Horowitz...George Will...Andrew Sullivan...E.J. Dionne...Peter Beinart...David Broder...Jonathan Kozol and Tracy Kidder...Bobby Kennedy...Winston Churchill...Bill Bradley...Colin Powell...Bill Clinton...Bob Dole...and even some academics...like Michel Foucault...and Chester Finn...and Cornell West...and my graduate advisor, Tom Skrtic...

And I thought...I want to be like those people...

I want to see things that others don't see...I want to make the world better for my presence in it...I want to help bring light to places where there was/is more darkness...

I want...as Bobby Kennedy said when he comforted the nation while delivering the news of the assassination of Martin Luther King...

"To aspire for what the Greeks wrote so many years ago...to tame the savageness of man...and make more gentle the life on this earth"...

I wanted to contribute to making the world a more decent place...a place that better reflected the ideals that I learned and collected so many years as a young adult and in school and trying to get a grasp on what wisdom this world had to offer...and to contribute some of my own...

And today...the most important wisdom I feel in my life...

Is that I just want to live a life with less fear...and pain...and contribute as little fear and pain, as possible...especially the kind that is utterly uneccessary and meaningless...the kind that's being romanticized in too many important circles, today...

And now...after living with an intensification of it that I've never really seen or at least been aware of in my life...

That's all I want, really...

A life with less fear and pain and chest-beating...

A life with more thought...and care...and concern...and humanity...and decency...

I remember one trip back from Manhattan, Kansas and Kansas State University, where my girlfriend at the time, Jenny Burrington, went to school...

And stopping for a bit in Abilene, Kansas...the hometown and resting place of one of Kansas' finest contributions to American politics...Dwight Eisenhower...

And noticing how little partisanship was present in his tomb...how beautiful I thought it was that there was a place for meditation in the final resting place for this conservative President...how universal and compassionate were the messages of brotherhood and religious tolerance that filled this sacred spot here in my home state:)...

And how...like most museums...or tombs...or walls...or statues...or other places of more sacred thought and reflection...

How I wished that people lived the way that they aspired when they visited such places...

That they lived with that kind of deep and thoughtful reflection...

With that kind of wisdom...and aspiration for it...

With that kind of gravity for how much their lives contributed to this world...

To aspire, more, for the most important aspiration of liberal democratic societies...as Bill Safire put it, before he retired...for greater self-governance...each of us...not just each of our governments...but each of us, individually...the greatest guarantor that people will do and aspire for good in a world that constantly temps their baser instincts...and which is best developed through the least amount of pain and fear and aggression we can direct toward one another and impose on one another's lives, as possible...

And now that I've had more than my share of the bad taste of a world that lives with far too little of this kind of reflection and gravity and wisdom...

And the life of less fear and pain and chest-beating that naturally accompanies it...

That's all I want in life, any more...

Just more time for reflection...and for it to be taken more seriously by more people...

And for less fear...and pain...and chest-beating...

I better get some sleep:):)...

I hope everyone's having a decent week:):)...

Maybe sneak some time in for some deep reflection, this week...just for the hell of it:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Living a normal life...the impossible dream...

"May not the cure be more cruel than the disease"...great line...from Man of La Mancha:):):)...

Work was pretty chill last night:):)...Deway was kind of surly:):)...but, overall, it was a pretty easy-going night:):)...Fred, our regular lead load, has been off...and Sean has been leading:):)...and Sean is becoming a pretty decent lead:):)...

There's this guy...Jim...on the docks:):)...who I've grown to like a lot:):)...

When all the other guys on the docks were giving me endless shit about being a vegitarian:):)...Jim would eat my vegi taquitos with me:):)...

And you just have to know Jim:):)...Jim is definitely no crunchy, granola liberal:):):)LOL:):):)...

Jim is this built 50-60 year old guy...with these awesome, beautiful tattoos on his arms...I've never quite seen tattoos, in person, that looked quite like artwork like Jim's:):):)...it's really pretty amazing:):):)...you just have to see them:):):)...

And they're on these huge Popeye-like forearms:):):)...

And he's got this really short, white hair:):):)...

Jim's married...and has kids:):):)...and despite all of the tattoos and the pretty openly crude way that he talks about the women in the warehouse:):):) (Jim has about the filthiest mouth of anyone on the docks, I think:):):)...other than me, that is:):):)...

He's actually this really good, decent, nice guy:):):)...and I really like him a lot:):):)...

He reminds me of home...

See...I'm not from an educated family, really...at all...

Despite all the bullshit I've been through with all this book-learnin' post-graduate school...

I'm really just a working class kid from a family of small business owners and blue collar construction workers:):):)...

And Jim is like a lot of folks I miss back home:):):):)...he's not snotty or educated...Jim doesn't put on airs...

My family often complains about architects...about them not listening to the experience and understanding of folks like my family members, from working on the job for as many years as they have...I admit...it's been a pain in the ass, much of the time, trying to have an intelligent coversation with my co-workers who don't value intelligence nearly as much as I do...but they still out-think me on this job much of the time...often, because they've done it longer...and know better what they're doing:):):)...and other times, just because I'm wrong, and they're right:):):)...

In fact...folks at work are constantly surprised -- more facetiously than really, I think -- when I make mistakes:):):)...which is all the time, of course:):):) -- as if an education means that I don't make mistakes:):):)...which is kind of a silly view of education, I think:):):)...

As I always tell my friends...education...intelligence...whatever...it's just meant to improve your odds:):):)...to shorten the distance between mistakes and better moves:):):)...better choices:):):)...

It doesn't -- at all -- prevent bad choices...to the contrary...it is through experience, as much as thought, that we learn to make better choices, I think:):):)...

Education and intelligence just teach us to reflect on experiences in better and better ways...to recognize and prevent mistakes, more, in the future:):):)...

Not to live in some dream world where mistakes don't get made:):):):):)...

Anyway:):):)...

Jim reminds me of home:):) (somewhere that I've got to get back...to see my Grandma, first and foremost...though I had two people tell me to wait:):)...that my grandma needed rest:):)...so I'm waiting:):):)...

Jim reminds me of back home...

Good people...like family...caring...a little crude:):):)...and good...decent...

People I love...even when I'm going through a period in my life when I've felt simultaneously more connected with people...and more different than folks...than I've ever felt in my life...

And that's why schools and universities and polite society has never felt quite totally comfortable or familiar for me:):):)...

Because though I very much value education...more than most by far, I'm sure:):):)...

Fundamentally...I'm just some kid with working class roots from Wichita, Kansas...from a family of construction workers...and a father who branched out into real estate development and consulting:):):)...

A family of pretty down to earth independent business owners...

Liberal in some ways...conservative in other ways...and family, through and through:):):)...

You know?:):):)...

And Jim is just like home for me:):):)...

And it makes me feel at home:):):)...

In a town where I've known largely professors...and students...and friends who came to Lawrence because of its more liberal, open community...same reason I did:):):)...

Jim feels like roots:):):)...even though I won't be at this job for long, I know:):):)...

Someone you don't have to impress, really...

He just likes you because...

Because he's a decent guy:):)...and generally...he'll like everyone:):):)...

And that's the kind of people I'm from back in Wichita:):):)...

And I miss it:):):)...

I miss being around people who really do love me no matter what...through plenty of thick as well as thin...

And who I don't have to be trying to impress all the time:):):)...

Which makes it much easier, I have to tell you, to do things that actually do end up impressing them:):):)...because there's no pressure to whatsoever:):):)...

I miss that...

I miss being a kid and just being loved for myself...just as I am...not because I impressed someone...or because I behaved perfectly...or because of anything, really...

Just because...

Because I'm family...

That's how I feel about people...

That they're like family...

And I like them all...just because...

And in my family...no one ever gets to boot...ever...my Uncle Tommy's ex-wife, Jonna, still comes and visits my grandmother:):):)...everyone, all my friends...even and sometimes especially friends who kind of shock or titilate the less broad-minded tendencies of my blue collar family...are welcome to come home with me:):):)...and...as far as I'm concerned, at least:):):)...everyone is welcome and a member of my family...as long as they can learn to treat me and the people I love decent, that is...and cut them as much slack as they need to live their lives:):):)...and accept them as they are, as much as they might want to be accepted:):):)...

I love my family...you can tell...

And I just have felt caught between these very different worlds, lately...

A world of incredible educational opportunities...the most high-minded folks in the world are the ones I've sought out to study in my time as a student:)...

And a world of ordinariness...a world where I don't have to impress people, all the time...where I'm loved just for me...no matter what I do or don't have to contribute to the world:):)...

I just don't feel completely comfortable in a world where I have to impress people all the time, really....

I don't mind being ordinary...

I kind of like having a life where my every move isn't scrutinized...

Where I can just be a simple, decent person...

And have that be enough...

They just got to the point in the movie where they introduce Don Quixote singing, "To Dream the Impossible Dream"...that songs makes me cry every time I hear it now (it's a private thing that a good friend of mine understands, but noone else, really)...

When I was a kid...I always wanted to escape my roots...

To find a place where noone would hurt me any more...

Where people would treat me decent...no matter what...

Genuine unconditional love...

And now, today...I long for it...

Knowing...that in reality...there really is no place of real unconditional love in the world...anywhere...except that which we create...

I feel that for people...I try to give it to them...even when they don't reciprocate...

Even when they denigrate it...and treat it as weakness...and people always have...and as they do today...even those who practice it more in reality...ironically...

And I've decided...at least...

That I'm living that life...

No matter what the fuck anyone else does:):):)...

That world will continue and start with me...

No matter how goddamn foolish the rest of world is:):):)...

We need people to do their best...that's for sure:):):)...

But we also need to accept people for their real limitations, as well...and not use them up until we have no use for them, anymore...and then throw them aside...when we have no use for them anymore...

We need a world where everyone is welcome home for the holidays:)...really...

Even Deway:):):)...when he's being all grumpy and surly, as he was last night:):):)...

All of us:):):)...

I don't give a shit how impossible a dream it seems to some people some times...

It's a reality...in my life...and I'll work every day for the rest of my life...to make it a reality for others...

"A man has to come to terms with life as it is," a fellow prisoner taunts Cervantez...

"Life as it is" Cervantez responds..."I have lived for over forty years and I have seen...life as it is...pain...misery...cruelty beyond belief...I've heard all the voices of God's noblest creature...I've heard moans from bundles in the filth in the streets...I've been a soldier...and a slave...

I've seen my comrades fall in battle...or die more slowly under the lash in Africa...I've held them at the last moment...

These were men who saw life as it is...but they died despairing...no glory...no brave last words...only their eyes...filled with confusion...questioning why...

I do not think they were asking why they were dying...but why they had ever lived...

When life itself seems lunatic...who know where madness lies...perhaps to be too practical is madness...to surrender dreams, this may be madness...to seek treasure, when there is only trash...too much sanity may be madness...

And maddest of all...to see life as it is and not as it should be"...

I think Deway was being surly last night because he was upset with me...the other night...Fred and Deway were arguing with me over something dumb...where a load bar was supposed to go...it didn't matter, in this particular case (sometimes it does)...they were mocking me (as they so often do:):):)...and I called them dumbasses in the process of arguing, rightly, that the argument was a dumb one...that likely wouldn't mean of hill of beans...and if it did end up meaning something...we could easily move the bar...and...in the meantime...I'd put my time in...and I was tired of being condescended as if I didn't know what I was doing, anymore...

So I think Deway was hurt, last night, over the whole thing...

Because the truth is...underneath all that tough exterior...

Deway cares whether I think he's a dumbass or not...

And he's afraid that I really think he's a dumbass...

Which I don't...

I think he's got plenty of smarts...street smarts...some people smarts...football, baseball, and basketball smarts...garage door loading smarts...

And he -- and everyone -- could definitely benefit from some book smarts...from school smarts...

So I'm going to pick him up a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird...

It's just occurred to me that Deway has probably never read it...

My favorite novel...that I read when I was in tenth grade...

And one of the most highly accessible and profound American novels ever written...

I want Deway to know that I think everyone can be smart...

That we're all dumbasses in one way or another...

And that we should all strive...always...to be smarter...in all the ways that count in the world...

"To dream...the impossible dream...to fight...the unbeatable foe...to bear with unbearable sorrow...to run where the brave dare not go...

To right the unrightable wrong...to love, pure and chaste from afar...to try when your arms are too weary...to reach the unreachable star...

This is my quest...to follow that star...no matter how hopeless...no matter how far...to fight for the right...without question or pause...to be willing march into hell for a heavenly cause...

And I know that if I will only be true...to this glorious quest...that my heart will lie peaceful and calm...when I'm laid to my rest...

And the world...will be better for this...

That one man...scorned and covered with scars...

Still strove...with his last ounce of courage...

To reach the unreachable star..."

"Once...just once...would you look at me just as I really am," replies Aldonza...

"I see beauty...purity...Dulcinea"

You just have to see it to understand...

Have a great day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

A life with less fear...

I think I'm learning...slowly...to stop fearing bullies...

We all have to compromise...compromise is the nature of life...

But, as a part of that compromise...I'm prepared to give friendships a break, if need be, temporarily...I'm prepared to deal with whatever I might need to deal with to live a life, authentically, without fear dominating it...

I have to make compromises around basic needs...because I have no other choice...and even then, you can bet that I will be looking for ways to get away from bullies in my life...

Everything else...if you pressure me...I will try to understand your perspective...and I might be persuaded by you (though I might not, as well)...

But I will not be bullied...under any auspices...any more...

As with all lower impulses...I both understand the impulse to bully...and it disgusts me...that people would want to try to bully their way through problems...rather than dealing with them constructively, thoughtfully, with civility, and with respect for one another...

I have to hold out hope that the bullies of the world -- which are all of us, when we have a chance -- will not will out on this...

That like hitting and abusing children or spouses or loved ones...that this will pass away from our accepted modes of dealing with one another...

If you can't...to the best of my ability...I will ignore you...and leave you out of my life, temporarily, until you can take responsibility for yourself...and you'll definitely be hearing from me about it...

Until you give it up...

That goes for employers...and friends...and creditors...and anyone I deal with now and forever in the future...

Whatever needs to be done to make that kind of life possible...I will do...period...

And the truth is...though we are often hesitant to admit it...

That is how all of us live our lives, really...

Just quietly...some of us with more courage than others...

We are a dysfunctional lot, for sure...the human race, that is...

But we got a lot going for us too:):):)...

And if we stop rationalizing the things we do that hurt one another...

And get focussed on supporting one another to a better future...

We'll be in much better shape...

But if we can't cut out the bullshit...

Then our lives...individually...and together...will be miserable until we do:):):)...

Bullying doesn't make us bad people, I don't think...otherwise we all would be in pretty bad shape...since we all do it, in one form or another...even to ourselves, unfortunately (meaning beating ourselves up)...

Bullying is just a lower impulse...that needs to give way to a higher, more generous impulse...

To forgive...and to treat each other as decently and as least aggressively as we can manage...and as is needed...

And either way...when it's all said and done...we'll die...and they'll kick dirt on our faces...and that will be the end of that:):):)...

I plan on using my life wisely, in the meantime:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

One way to help with Hurricane Katrina...

I've been really disappointed with all the carping, blaming, and other irresponsible nonsense going on during this hurricane response in the Southeast...

Newt Gingrich and Fareed Zakaria had a really constructive conversation this morning on This Week with George Stephanopolous about future government emergency responses...Fareed emphasizing the need for investing in and rebuilding public infrastructure...and for more effective government responses, at the federal, state and local levels...

...and Newt with excellent ideas around devolving public responsibilities from large government bureaucracies to smaller, leaner, more effective government and private groups to create more decentralized efforts to deal with such a crisis...two very valuable suggestions, I think:):)...Newt's, in particular, to more substantially increase the number and variety of responses and efforts to help in such a tragedy...an advantage of the current response that most of us totally take for granted...but which we could still dramatically improve with a suggestion like Newt's, I think:):):)...

And George Will waxed eloquently on peoples' constant tendency to overestimate what government can do...something I very much agree with:):)...

And George Stephanopolous and Chris Matthews both, to their credit, did something novel as journalists:):):):)...to have constructive conversations that were sympathetic to the very dedicated efforts of public servants to deal with serious catastrophies, like this one...George more successfully with guests better engaged in that effort in Fareed and Newt...

Barack Obama had some very "soul-searching" comments on Chris Matthews, to use his words, that were a much better example of the thoughtful, constructive leadership that Democratic leaders might offer than anything I've heard, as of yet, from Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, or Harry Reid...

And my stepmom, Marilyn Kodish-Sutherland, sent an email, today, that outlined the efforts of her and my father and the hotel staff and volunteers in Dallas to provide shelter, food, assistance with finding housing and jobs, medical assistance, computers and internet access for evacuees to register with FEMA...very inspiring...and very expensive...

So...here's the deal:):):)...

If you want to contribute to efforts to help with Hurricane Katrina...

You can contribute to the Red Cross, which seems to have the most visible non-profit presence in dealing with this situation...

You can pay taxes:):):)...and maybe then some...to help support the Federal effort (and if you're in the relevant localities, to support local and state efforts)...

And you can donate to this fund that has been set up to help folks who have relocated to the downtown Dallas area, for now:):):)...

There are specific efforts you can donate to -- gas cards for people who need gas for their cars until they get paychecks...or donations to sponsor families staying at the hotel (about $55 per night) -- or you can donate more directly to either the hotel effort...or the efforts of a local non-profit, the Bajito Onda Katrina Fund, a 501(c)(3)...

Thanks for everything you might have to offer to this effort...including, as Marilyn mentions, any and all brilliant ideas that you might offer to better support people struggling with this terrible tragedy...

And thanks, of course, to Marilyn and my dad to giving so generously amidst this terrible tragedy...very impressive to me...

Marilyn's letter, below, has many more details:):):)...

Thanks so much mom and dad, for all your help:):):)...and to everyone who has given and contributed to help with Katrina's survivors (finally, a time where that word seems appropriate:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Dear Friends & Family,

Most of you know Chuck and I own a hotel in Dallas Texas. We have had 800 people at the hotel who are survivors of the hurricane since Katrina
hit.

We've got over 300 this weekend and we're getting a new influx on Monday.

People came to our hotel, expecting to stay for a day or two. When the hurricane hit, they lost their home, their job, everything. The paychecks
they were expecting never arrived. Other hotels turned people away when they couldn't pay but we couldn't do that. And when we found out the
only meal people were getting was our free breakfast because they had no money, we started feeding them 3 meals a day at no charge to them. It costs about
$1500 to provide 3 meals a day.

We have already moved 75 families into apartments (where we arranged 3 months free rent). Each family that has moved into an apartment received a
move-in package with household furnishings, linens, etc. put together by local churches. We're getting 75 more move-in packages tomorrow in
anticipation of moving the next group out to apartments.

We had our first job fair to help them get work last Wednesday, 2 days after the hurricane hit. Over 50 people have received permanent jobs and the
other adults have received temporary jobs (although many are minimum wage which isn't enough to support their families). We have people fill out
a universal application which we are sharing with companies who are looking to hire people. Today while I was at the hotel someone from Eatzi's (a
gourmet café/store) came to review applications and will be setting up interviews in
the next day or two.

Before the hurricane hit, we had one computer for our guests in the lobby. Within a few days of the hurricane, a church donated 5 more which are
in use all the time - so people can access services online and find their family members.

We have a warehouse full of donated clothes and shoes in bags and boxes that have to be sorted so that people can find clothes that will fit. We
need volunteers right now to do that. We also need volunteers to help people apply for their benefits online, find family members, get prescriptions
filled, and listen or whatever else they need.

These people are starting from scratch. It is unimaginable. Many do not know where their family members are. They have no job, no access to
money, a future full of uncertainty. They are so grateful for everything we do and are traumatized by what they have been through. And they need their
neighbors - that's you and me - now!

A member of Congress - Representative Eddie Bernice Johnson - is coming to our hotel tomorrow to see what we're doing and meet some of the
survivors.

Our local CBS affiliate - Channel 11 - reported on our "relief efforts" on Wednesday, saying "the Quality Inn hotel is the best organized relief
organization in Dallas". That is an amazing acknowledgement of the hotel staff and community that has combined efforts to service our guests.
We are hopeful we can get at least partial reimbusement for the housing portion
but haven't figured out how to do that yet!

What can you do?
1) Volunteer! Come to the hotel to sort clothes, help people navigate the system, just listen. We need people every day all day and will continue to need people until they are all settled into jobs and permanent housing. Everything makes a difference.
2) Donate a $50 gas credit card for people who have cars so they can drive to work (they need gas money the first week or two until they get paid)
3) Donate a gas card (so people have gas money their first week of work until they get paid) and/or a Walmart or Target gift cards (for special
needs like adult diapers for their grandmother or extra large clothes that are not donated or special clothes/uniform for their job or for household
items as part of the move-in package)
4) Donate money: (without this we can't provide the relief services we are committed to providing)
- Sponsor a family by paying for their housing and food - it costs about $55 night for each family
- Contribute to or sponsor a move-in package for when they move to an apartment (cost is about $500)
- Help us provide relief services like an extra van ($1600) to transport people to the FEMA or Red Cross office, etc.
5) Come up with brilliant ideas for what else is needed by these amazing survivors and take it on to help us provide that!

If you can make donations to the hotel directly, please write a check to the Quality Inn Market Center and trust us to use it to feed and house
these people. If you want to make a tax deductible donation, you can write a check to the Bajito Onda Katrina Fund which is a special 501(c)(3) fund
created in partnership with a local nonprofit to support our guests who are survivors.

To volunteer, show up!

The attached article is from the Dallas Morning News earlier this week and the end of the article talks a little about our hotel.

Why am I sending you this?
1) So you know what Chuck and I are doing as owners of the Quality Inn
2) So you have some sense of what is needed by these people as they create a
new life from scratch in a new city
3) So you know how you and others can make a difference for the survivors and for us in providing relief services

Each of you receiving this is someone who wants to make a difference with others. Thank you for whatever you can do, including sharing this
with others. Every conversation, every effort whether at our hotel or in your
own community will make a difference.

Marilyn Sutherland
Quality Inn Market Center
1955 Market Center Blvd.
Dallas, TX 75207
hotel: 214-747-9551
My cell: 214-797-9916
My home office: 214-696-6926
Email: kodish@swbell.net

The following is a recent note by a friend of mine who has been
volunteering
at the hotel.
============================================================================
============
Date: Thu, 08 Sep 2005
Subject: Katrina Update from the Quality Inn

Once again I was at the hotel this afternoon and things are changing
rapidly. Here are just a few of them:

We secured a truck yesterday to take our overflow clothing to Salvation
Army, but there was no room at the inn at any of their locations. Also
no
room at Texas Stadium for anything but new items. So all our overflow
is
back at the hotel in the warehouse area, free for guests at the hotel
to
take advantage of once they are sorted.

A funny thing happened this afternoon while I was in the warehouse
(there is
a huge one behind the hotel). A family of five was in the warehouse,
going
through boxes and bins and picking up things. They had three or four
laundry
baskets and had filled them to the brim and then some. As they came by
us on
the way back to the hotel, I noticed they must have had 40 pairs of new
socks. Wow, I said to my new friend Adam, did you see they have about
40
pairs of new socks. Yep, he said. That's a lot of socks, I said. Yep,
he
said. Probably more than they need, I said. Yep, he said.

At which point my objections kind of petered out. Oh, I said, the game
is to
give it all away. Yep, he said.

Well, I don't know if that conveys it, but I was trying to conserve
what we
had and we clearly had mountains more stuff than we need. It is a sea
of
generosity.

A doctor came down this afternoon to see patients. A pharmacist came to
help
with prescriptions. Three or four other medical professionals came as
well.
We found a local drug store that will deliver the prescriptions.

A church group is working on putting together more move-in kits for
families
moving into apartments. Another church group called about managing one
of
the meals on Sunday. Some bunch of guys showed up to cook dinner. It
smelled so-o-o-o good.

We are hosting a "block party" for all the guests on Saturday
afternoon. My
boss has given the tent we use all summer for a tent sale and I got a
local
tent company to volunteer labor and supervision and come down Saturday
morning and put the thing up on the parking lot.

Here is what is needed acutely now (besides the continuing need for
cash)
--VOLUNTEERS ON A REGULAR OR SCHEDULED BASIS.

Please take on calling the hotel and volunteering to be there at a
certain
time (3 hour minimum, please) with a carload of friends. Call the
Katrina
Central desk at 214 747 9511. We are very short during regular business
hours and on week nights. We need 10 to 15 volunteers from 9 am to 9
pm.
Every day.

Ask a group of co-workers, or your family, or your soccer team ... and
your
group will have a big impact. Just carve out a time and let them know
you¹re
coming.

There is something for every skill level ‹ physical work like cooking
or
sorting the mountains of clothes, talking with the guests and just
helping
them sort things out, making phone calls, confirming all the myriad
agencies
and entities who are coming to the hotel, playing with kids, working
with
each family to make sure they are applying for all the benefits they
are
eligible to receive.

Today I got the tent, lent my cell phone to someone trying to track
down her
mail that¹s still being delivered someplace in New Orleans, took
pictures of
a little boy in someone¹s borrowed house slippers, hugged a lady I¹ve
seen
each day I¹ve been there, got half a dozen volunteers started on some
project or another, brainstormed with my friend Adam about what to do
in the
warehouse to make it work for everyone, accepted the offer at the dry
cleaner¹s of dozens of unclaimed cleaned and starched shirts on hangers
to
be delivered to the hotel in the next few days, carried several sacks
of
school supplies that had been donated from the office to the store
where
guests have access to them, etc. See, you could have done any of that,
too.

So drum up a car load and come on down.

That¹s all my Katrina report for tonight. Guests are still in good
spirits.
Those computers in the lobby are really in use. Almost all the adults
at the
hotel who want work have found something. Several families are moving
out to
apartments. And whatever you¹re doing, including just talking with your
friends, it¹s making a difference.

Something makes me doubt...

...that these folks know what responsibility looks like, at all:):):)...

The Blame Game: The Response and Responsibilities in a Disaster

I have to say that there has never been a time in my life...as someone who has largely identified as a liberal and a Democrat...

That I have been so ashamed of identifying as either:):):)...

There is an on-going emergency going on in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, right now...

And Democrats are spending valuable time trying to figure out who to blame?...

Why are they not on the phone with someone finding ways to get more help to people in need?...

Why are they not in Louisiana or Mississippi or Alabama or Florida getting a feel for the situation on the ground...and figuring out how they can best help?:):):)...

Why are they not talking with folks who are doing the on-the-ground work and seeing what they can do to be of more help?...

Instead of endlessly carping at the people who are taking responsibility for the situation?...

Is that what Democrats see as leadership for the future?...

Representing the endless whines of people who are frustrated that everything is not going as planned...

Because...if so...they aren't much of an alternative, really...

If I were to choose leadership based on who is taking responsibility during this crisis...and who isn't...

It's a pretty clear choice...

Republicans are taking responsibility...

And Democrats are avoiding it...and endlessly whining about what's not going exactly right...

I hope that's not their campaign slogan for 2008...

Clinton-Pelosi...Avoiding responsibility and sniping at people who do:):):)...

If you don't want to do the hard work...

Sit down and let people who are doing it do their jobs...

And if you want things to get better:):):)...

Stop your fuckin' whining:):):)...and pitch in:):):):):)...

Goddamn:):):):):)...

Thank you, Mr. President...Michael Chertoff...and Michael Brown...for dealing with this crisis as quickly as you possibly can:):):)...

And thank you Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Harry Reid for your concern:):):)...

But if you want to help...

Roll up your sleeves...

And pitch in:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Idealism...

I had a great day today:):)...

A day of so much idealism:):)...

I thought, today, about how I don't want to ever do anything that I know is wrong:):)...about doing the right and the best thing, as much as possible:):):)...about being good and doing good for their own sake:):):)...and making peace with the times in my life when I've not done that:):)...

You ever have times when you're a kid...when you got in trouble for something:):)...and maybe get sent to your room or whatever:):)...

And after some time to sleep or cry or think or all of the above:):):)...

That peace you feel when you resolve yourself, again, to do good as much as possible:):):)...

That's the feeling I had today:):):)...

That peace that comes with that sincere commitment to doing good:):):)...to being a decent and better person:):):)...to being good:):):)...

It was really nice:):):)...

I was walking through the park:):):)...after a hot shower:):):)...and feeling that kind of peace:):):)...it was really nice:):):)...

I've been thinking a lot about my summer in Washington, D.C., lately:):):)...and about my days at Wichita State:):):)...

The idealism I felt:):):)...the feeling that things were always going to get better:):):)...and that they were better than they had ever been:):):)...

The total satisfaction with a modest and inspired life:):):)...

The feeling like I was on this earth to contribute to the welfare of others:):):)...and to do good by me, as well:):):)...

It's been great reminiscing about D.C.:):):)...and all the idealism that Brandi and I felt that summer:):):)...together:):):)...

I told Brandi at that some or some time later:):)...that what was so great about that time was how we reinforced each others' idealism:):):)...how we had created something, together, that neither of us could have created alone:):):)...

But...the great thing about these days:):):)...is that this idealism isn't dependent on anyone else:):):)...it's just something I feel:):):)...like I said in an earlier post:):):)...it's like being in love without needing someone to be in love with:):):)...

It's a great feeling:):):)...

I am so proud of the work I've done in my short time here in this life:):):)...and I'm totally looking forward to doing more good like it in the future:):):)...

And I so thank and am proud of my mom and stepmom and dad for doing such a great job -- warts and all -- of creating and supporting the kind of family -- along with teachers -- especially the folks at the special education department at the University of Kansas, Dr. Ericson and other teachers at Wichita State University, and all of the teachers and adults who have helped nurture that idealism:):):)...and friends -- especially my closest friends -- and extended family -- my Grandma and Grandpa Sutherland and my Aunt Kathleen and all of my dad's brothers and sisters, in particular -- who have made all that possible:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Mental exhaustion...

I have been suffering from some kind of mental and emotional exhaustion the last day or so...

Serious mental and emotional exhaustion...like I'm having a hard time functioning mental and emotional exhaustion...

Just so many impossible expectations from people lately...at work...among friends...

People taking no constructive responsibility...or very little...and persistently expecting the moon and beyond from me...

It's just kind of worn me down...

Last night...I kept telling Melissa...I just can't go on...I can't go on being bullied by people and overwhelmed by stress...it's too much...

I feel better this morning...

But goddamn if I don't give a flying shit for the priorities of anyone pressuring me, right now...

If you are...you will be promptly ignored as soon as I can possibly manage...

Bullying people is no way to be responsible for any situation...

In fact...I am learning the stark contrast...

That bullying is the lazy person's alternative to thinking...

That brute force is the way to avoid reasonsing...

And there is no way that any of us can keep trying to function like that...

And now I realize that people don't do this for some well-developed reason, at all...

They do it because they haven't really thought about it or being seriously responsible for anything at all...other than as some kind of fantasy abstraction...

And the more they do it...the more they'll get the same consequences...

It is literally insanity...doing the same stupid, bullying thing over and over again...and getting the same stupid results...

As I was telling Melissa last night (who was being a really amazing listener as I was feeling totally overwhelmed with stress last night)...

Most people, I'm learning, are kind of mean, stupid, assholes...and stubbornly so...

And it's not charming...

It's annoying...and it gets in the way of those who are trying to be more authentically responsible for life...

And it's become something of a serious burden for me in the last day or so...

And my ability to cope with it has just been seriously depleted...

So I'm trying to rest...

And most people, really...just need to learn to grow up...to start taking responsibility...for their lives...and how their choices affect others...more thought and concern for others...and less bullying and stupidity...

Because I'm getting tired of absorbing the bullshit...and I'm sure everyone else is as well...

And for those who choose to deny that there's a problem with bullying our way through difficult issues...

I'd suggest that you're part of the problem too...

And I'd suggest that we all learn to treat other like we'd want to be treated...and stop treating one another like servants that we are entitled to use up until they just can't take any more...

Noone deserves to be treated like that...

Not President Bush...not me...not my friends or family or co-workers...not our supervisor, Ben...or our department lead, John...or my friend and the department lead on second shift, Kenny...or anyone...

And the problem is not that there are a few of us treating each other that way...

It's that most of us are treating each other that way...

And it's a dumb route...it slows everything down...it achieves little...and it treats everyone like shit...

And it's stubborn and foolish to maintain it no matter how much it makes it harder for us to be and work together...

I'm going to relax for a little bit...and try to recover, some, from all the bullshit that I've dealt with in the last week or so...

Love,
Ben

My parents' contribution to helping with Hurricane Katrina...

My stepmom, Marilyn, sent me this article, today, about the impact of Hurricane Katrina on Dallas, where they live, and downtown Dallas, where they own a hotel, the Quality Inn Market Center, and their efforts to help those in need...

My parents have been poverty activists for years...so their generosity never surprises me...but this level of generosity (see the end of the article on the Quality Inn efforts) is pretty amazing, I must say...

I gave $20 to the Red Cross when I went by the Community Mercantile, our local natural foods store, recently...

And I wish I could say I had the wherewithal to help in the way that my parents and the hotel staff did on this one...its pretty incredible, really:):)...

I have been terribly dissappointed to hear all of the pettiness and blame games and stupid bullshit come from people at all levels...

Including Hillary Clinton, who has done plenty of political grandstanding on this issue but has yet to do one thing that I've seen that constructively deals with this catastrophe...there's a reason why I have doubts about Hillary as President...and this is yet one more...a more important doubt -- the absence of constructive, responsible leadership in the midst of a crisis -- than I've had of Hillary up until now...

Michael Chertoff, on the other hand, the current Homeland Security chief, is doing a far better job of dealing with this crisis than any of his or Michael Brown's critics...most of whom seem to have little interest, at all, in helping people in need at the moment, which is still pretty serious for many people...and much interest in imposing impossible expectations on those who are taking responsibility for the situation...the convenient luxury of those who feel no sense of real responsibility for situations like this one...

Are Democrats forever doomed to be the party of entitlement?...rather than the party of generosity, responsibility, and enlightened self-interest that was the direction that Bill Clinton tried to lead the party in during his tenure?...

Why is it that lesser leaders think that recrimination and whining is some kind of substitute for doing something that helps someone?...especially when a crisis is on-going?...what total lapse in conscience in the face of a serious crisis does someone have to engage in to think that initiating a commission to figure out who to blame for this terrible tragedy is somehow equivalent to working responsibly to help those in need?...or to think that making the Federal Emergency Management Agency as cabinet-level office again will do a goddamned thing to help anyone in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and wherever else right now or even in the future?...

People who do this kind of thing need to learn to either do something that will help...or sit down and get out of peoples' way, for goodness sakes...

Thanks Mom and Dad for being so generous in your contribution to this terrible crisis...

Love,
Ben

Katrina's Aftermath: Texas Responds
Dallas, Texas
Evacuees turning to help beyond downtown Dallas centers
06:23 AM CDT on Tuesday, September 6, 2005

By ROBERT THARP / The Dallas Morning News


Thousands of unused cots were stacked high at Reunion Arena and the Dallas Convention Center on Monday as churches, suburban cities and individuals chipped in to defuse the crush of dispossessed.

Already, far more evacuees are living in an assortment of smaller shelters and hotels or doubled up with relatives than in the cavernous downtown Dallas relief centers.

Downtown volunteers served Sunday dinner to about 10,000 Hurricane Katrina evacuees, but at bedtime at Reunion Arena and the Dallas Convention Center fewer than 1,800 of the approximately 8,200 prepared beds were occupied.

Reunion Arena remains the bureaucratic center for evacuees, perhaps skewing the prediction that Dallas would need to house more than 8,000 evacuees, said Dallas City Manager Mary Suhm. On Saturday, Mayor Laura Miller alerted federal emergency officials that the city could take no more.

"It's amazing to me that individuals have reached out and not waited for the bureaucracy," Ms. Suhm said. "What I'm worried about is help two to three weeks from now."

14,200 registered
Louisiana residents who escaped to Dallas before the storm are now coming to Reunion Arena to register and receive distinctive green or pink wristbands that identify them as evacuees. By Monday, the registration list had exceeded 14,200 names. Authorities do not have a system to track where evacuees are staying after they register.

The latest visitors to Dallas have scattered in many directions.

John Johnson, a 56-year-old New Orleans native, has been living with relatives in North Dallas for more than a week. Nine people are sharing a two-bedroom apartment. He did not register at Reunion Arena until seven days after he arrived.

"Myself, I'd stay," said the hotel worker who owns a home in uptown New Orleans. "But my wife, she wants to go back home."

Many are going from dense urban housing in New Orleans to North Texas suburbs. Thirty-six people traveling in three cars showed up at the First Baptist Church of Duncanville, quickly followed by a busload of 50 from the Superdome, said the Rev. Keith Brister.

Like shelters everywhere, the number is fluctuating as fragmented families reunite and others move into longer-term housing.

"They leave and come every hour," Mr. Brister said, noting that the church got a call at 2 a.m. asking if it had space for 100. "We're trying to assess who's here to stay and who's heading out."

Public housing efforts
Dallas Housing Authority officials said Monday that they had placed 1,000 people – about 300 families – in public housing.

Workers with the Interfaith Housing Coalition were rushing to prepare several Old East Dallas transitional housing units and had placed more than 25 families in homes since Sunday. The agency had more than 1,000 evacuees awaiting housing Monday afternoon.

"We definitely have more intake than we have property units available," said case manager David Estrada.

In Wylie, a city of 30,000 in Collin County, the city shelter was sleeping 88, and officials were struggling to reunite a 15-year-old boy disconnected from his parents.

The First Baptist Church in Keller in Tarrant County had 128 evacuees by midafternoon Sunday. A yellow sign hung on a door that read "Welcome to Keller." A makeshift clinic screened evacuees with conditions ranging from asthma to diabetes. One man was not aware that he had suffered a minor gunshot wound inside the Superdome.

"It's like a little city within a church," said Ed Nelson, the church's business administrator.

In McKinney, the city, businesses and volunteers combined to transform a former Wal-Mart from vacant space to a shelter, complete with showers, meals, first aid and bedding for 250, in less than 72 hours. The building had been scheduled to be demolished this month.

By Labor Day, most shelters were still juggling a deluge of volunteers and donations, while enrolling students in area schools and trying to assist evacuees as they start to focus on the future.

At Mr. Brister's church, doctors from Charlton Methodist Hospital were planning to visit the gymnasium so evacuees would not have to come to emergency rooms.

Medical problems there included a spider bite, dehydration and ringworm. A pregnant woman was taken for prenatal care, and another woman who had fainted while waiting to be rescued at the Superdome was still complaining of a headache.

Praise for churches
In an address Monday, President Bush visited a Baton Rouge, La., church and noted the help provided by churches, synagogues and mosques. He singled out T.D. Jakes for the relief work of his Dallas church, The Potter's House, which has a predominantly black congregation.

The Rev. Tyrone Gordon of St. Luke Community United Methodist Church said African-American congregations feel a bond with the mostly black evacuees. Cars were parked bumper to bumper Monday afternoon, and volunteers worked shoulder to shoulder to organize the constant flow of supplies and services. Every day, more than 100 evacuees have stopped by the church's community center on East Grand Avenue for food, clothing, toiletries and housing assistance.

"Just being African-American, there are cultural ties," Mr. Gordon said. "Most that were affected were African-Americans. Many others had the means to get their needs met."

Starting to look ahead
No matter where they're staying, evacuees are starting to shift gears as they accept the reality that they will not be going home soon. Walter Brooks, a 50-year-old cook at New Orleans' famous Antoine's restaurant, contemplated a new life in Dallas and started looking for more permanent housing.

Mr. Brooks spent two days inside the Superdome and 16 hours outside the stadium waiting on a bus that dropped him off in Dallas on Saturday night. He registered at the convention center but came straight to the Quality Inn on Market Center Boulevard, where the hotel's owners have turned over almost the entire 265-unit hotel to evacuees.

The hotel lobby has become an impromptu clearinghouse of aid services. Evacuees can use a bank of computers to register with FEMA. Ballrooms are full of donated clothes, food and supplies. Another area of the lobby is devoted to finding permanent housing and jobs. In another room, stylists have given more than 200 haircuts.

Help for 800
Hotel director Dave Peterson estimates he's helped more than 800 people since evacuees started showing up more than a week ago. He stopped charging those unable to pay. By Monday afternoon, the hotel had helped find permanent jobs for more than 50 people and long-term housing for 27 families.

So far, the effort has been pulled off without help from local or federal authorities, Mr. Peterson said.

"This is all private," he said. "There's nothing here that wasn't brought to us by an individual."

Staff writers Jim Getz, Emily Ramshaw, Ernesto Londoño, Marissa Alanis and Holly Yan contributed to this report.

AID FROM ACROSS TEXAS
Texas is delivering social services to Hurricane Katrina evacuees as 240,000 people start to rebuild their lives in the Lone Star State. The state has provided school enrollment for 6,100 evacuee children and food stamp assistance for more than 26,000 families.

On Monday, Mike Leavitt, health and human services secretary, declared a public health emergency in Texas, saying it would speed federal assistance for the state.

"It will allow us to move the red tape and any roadblock out of the way in order to serve people," Mr. Leavitt said after he, Gov. Rick Perry and local leaders toured San Antonio's emergency shelters on the former Kelly Air Force Base.

A list of several Texas cities that have mobilized to serve thousands of evacuees:

AUSTIN: Donations rolling in
Residents filled three donation sites with clothing, diapers, toiletries and bottled water.

About 4,000 evacuees are at the Austin Convention Center.

Volunteers at an apartment complex in Williamson County prepared 47 rooms with donated goods for evacuees. "They have nothing, so they're going to need toiletries, dishes, food, clothes, dish soap," said Jackie Good, a volunteer from Austin. "The first weekend, everyone jumps out to help. In three or four weeks, I hope people will still keep coming out to help."

BEAUMONT: Country singers perform concert
Country singers Mark Chesnutt and Tracy Byrd performed a free concert Sunday to benefit relief efforts.

About 1,450 evacuees were housed at Ford Park Red Cross shelter.

BRYAN: Corps of Cadets volunteers for 200
Members of Texas A&M University's Corps of Cadets volunteered to help about 200 evacuees at Reed Arena, many of whom wore maroon and white T-shirts donated by the A&M athletic department.

The Bryan-College Station Eagle reported that $58,000 in cash and gift cards had been collected, not including $21,000 raised in one hour last week by the Rotary Club.

CORPUS CHRISTI: Vaccinations for evacuees
As of Sunday, the city had taken in 1,268 evacuees.

About 1,000 evacuees were given vaccinations Sunday at Memorial Coliseum.

Bishop Edmond Carmody has asked residents to house victims who might arrive in the Coastal Bend area.

EL PASO: Festival goers pitch in
About 435 evacuees arrived at the Judson F. Williams Convention Center on Sunday night.

A Fiesta de Las Flores spokesman said festival attendees filled two vans with toiletries, clothes and food.

GALVESTON: Ships to house 5,000
Two Carnival cruise ships will be docked at the Port of Galveston and house about 5,000 evacuees.

HUNTSVILLE: 275 housed by church
About 275 evacuees were housed at First Baptist Church.

Sam Houston State University established a hurricane relief fund.

LUBBOCK: Hanging out
About 400 evacuees arrived Sunday in Lubbock. They will be housed in a hangar at Reese Technology Center and Lubbock Municipal Coliseum.

Breedlove Dehydration Plant is preparing 1 million servings of food to deliver to a warehouse in Magnolia, Ark., 20 miles north of Louisiana. Breedlove also is preparing food shipments to warehouses in Dallas and Houston.

Compiled from wire and Internet reports

I think I've come to terms...

...with the fact that I can't make people think or reason fairly...or do anything, really...

I can encourage it...and talk with them about it...but even that has limitations...

People...ultimately...all of them...make their own choices...and reason through them in their own way on their own time...

And that I...ultimately...just have to let them do that...

I guess that's a really good realization to have as a teacher...as a parent...as a friend...as a brother...as a son...as a human being...

That...ultimately...all I can do is have my say...to think...to write...to talk...

And then I have no control over anything after that...

None of us do...

Maybe that will leave me less frustrated with people...to understand that about them...about myself, as much as anyone else...I'm no different, after all...

And to know that I really -- no bullshit from me -- I really did my best to make things better...

And that's all I can do...really...

And all I ever can do is just keep thinking about things...and try to come up with something better, if possible...

And that's it...that's life...

Hope everyone is having a great Labor Day weekend:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Gunner Palace...

I'm doing what I can on applications without a printer (the library is closed today and tomorrow for Labor Day:):)...

And while I'm at it...Melissa and I are watching Gunner Palace, a really fascinating 2003/04 documentary of daily life of American soldiers in Iraq...

Highly recommend it...really interesting look into the lives of American soldiers in Iraq...and into Iraq post-invasion...

Musical interests are fascinating...a lot of rap...some rock...other soldiers I've seen are often into punk and metal...SPC Stuart Wilf plays a soft, sweet tune on an acoustic guitar...

The Iraqis regard the Americans as very friendly...the Americans do much to try to bring security to Iraq...and support some normalcy in daily Iraqi life...the interactions between soldiers and Iraqi children are particularly touching:):)...

American soldiers train Iraqi soldiers...and it is so interesting to see how much more independent and confident American soldiers are than Iraqi soldiers...a facet of a more democratic military force that Americans so often take for granted, I think...

Soldiers parody the weakly armored vehicles they ride in...they parody the mission...and they have a mix of varying opinions about their cause of rebuilding Iraq...

But all of them seem to be and say that they're proud to be American soldiers...

Definitely recommend this movie:):):)...you won't be disappointed:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Feeling Better:):):)...

I'm feeling much less angry than I was yesterday...though I'm still feeling hurt:):)...it'll take time:):)...I'll work through it:):)...I've talked at length with the involved parties:):)...one seems to have backed off of past bullshit...one has conceded outright and apologized...and one I'm still waiting to hear from...

I'm working on teaching and substitute teaching applications today:)...work has exhausted me in a way that has made this impossible up until now:)...though I was able to finish my resume once again:):)...but I have an extra day this weekend and I am using it:):)...yesterday's drama sapped me of a valuable day to do this work...but it had to be dealt with because it was really important and my friends just couldn't seem to get off the need to be dicks with me enough to let me just focus on this stuff:):)...I love them:):)...all of them:):)...but goddamn it if they can't be some recalcitrant dicks with me too much of the time:):)...

Got totally eyed by this little blonde hottie at the Community Mercantile (our naturual foods store) today:):)...it was really flattering:):)...she was pretty smokin':):):)...and this really amazing looking brunette I have this huge crush on from second shift was eyeing me last Friday:):):)...

It's just eye candy and for fun:):):)...but a lot of fun it is while I'm looking for my true love:):):)...I never got these kinds of looks when I was in school:):):)...well...a little:):)...at the end:):)...but not as much as when I left school and become some kind of flirt magnet that I have no idea whatsoever where it all came from:):):)...it must be my lustful "fuck me" eyes:):):)LOL:):):):)...

Melissa and I made up yesterday (she was a less serious part of this whole mess), ate pizza, and watched the second season of Six Feet Under all night last night:):):)...I had seen it:):)...but it's quality television:):)...so I didn't mind at all watching again:):)...especially the Christmas episode where everyone reminisces about their dad, husband, and boss who died a year previous to begin the series:):)...

Did I mention that I love my life?:):):)...even with all the bullshit:):):)...though smoking is a sucky way to cope with painful shit in life:):):)...I smoked three cigarettes yesterday after not smoking for months...ugh...maybe if we weren't so shitty to one another...we wouldn't feel a need to turn to destructive substances to deal with the pain...just a thought:):):)...

I suppose I'm going to mosey on down to the library so I can use a printer down there:):):)...and finish up these applications:):):)...

Hope everyone is having a great Labor Day weekend:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Sad news...

Chief Justice William Rehnquist Dies...

The Chief Justice and I definitely had lots of disagreements...

His efforts to speed up executions were callous and arrogant, I think...

His vote against overturning sodomy laws may have upheld states rights...but they stomped all over the individual rights of gays and lesbians...

While his vote against affirmative action policies in college admissions violated the autonomy of colleges, even as I largely agree with his intent of promoting a merit-based university educational environment...

And his vote against both the original Roe v. Wade decision and against Sandra Day O'Connor's majority decision to affirm it while an affirmation of life that I appreciate was also a serious abrogation of a freedom that has probably done more and will do more to reduce abortions, long term over time, than original laws against abortion...

And the Bush v. Gore decision was a thinly-veiled partisan vote on the part of conservatives and Republicans on the court to appoint a fellow Republican President...

And...

William Rehnquist was a really terrific man, I think:):)...

He was full of humor and good spirit:):)...his effort to break from tradition to wear four gold Gilbert-and-Sullivan-inspired stripes on the sleeves of his black robe was really kind of sweet, I thought:):):)...a man with a reputation for tradition looking to break free of small traditions:):):)...

William Rehnquist was a good man...a man of God...a humble man, generally...a decent man...passing up the life of wealth and riches that often tempted and still tempts other lawyers for a life of tradition and more high-minded philosophy and of serving purposes higher than himself:):):)...

A widower who loved the court and did much to care for its image and prestige...

William Rehnquist led traditional Christmas carols even as it was becoming more politically incorrect...along with a more traditional Christmas party...

He waxed brilliantly about the case for states' rights in his dissent in Raich v. Ashcroft, the John Paul Stevens majority decision to overturn California's law legalizing medical marijuana...

And his majority decision in Van Orden v. Perry and his dissent in McCreary County v. ACLU affirmed the right of state and federal governmental institutions to display the Ten Commandments -- one of several law codes serving as precedent for our contemporary criminal and civil law, and a symbol of an important part of American and Western religious and cultural heritage:):)...

And his most important legacy -- to help nurture a majority to affirm the rights of states and limit the power of the federal government -- is his proudest and most deserving of praise...an important check on the overreach of the federal government in limiting the freedoms of individuals and states, alike:):)...

William Rehnquist was a good man...and a good justice...anyone of any judgment who has ever witnessed the courtroom of a bad justice -- of which I have watched too many -- must acknowledge the decency and respect for the court, the law, the debate, and the people about which the debate centered that Chief Justice William Rehnquist demonstrated:):):)...

Thank you Mr. Rehnquist:):)...for your intelligence, humility, and good humor:):):)...thank you for your service to the high court and to America:):)...

And thank you for your all too brief stay here on Planet Earth with all of us:):)...

All rise...

Court is adjourned:):)...

Love,
Ben