A bit of wisdom about a sense of idealism...

Some really terrific wisdom from Katherine Shelly (is that right?), today...

SBPBJ at http://katherineshelly.blogspot.com/

She writes...

"My boyfriend is a first-year special ed teacher in an inner city school. I can really relate to what you're saying from his stories. Yes, society does screw us three ways from Sunday and expect us to fix everything they're too lazy or scared to deal with.

Still... teaching isn't just a job. You and I and everyone else who's ever been in a classroom know that. Teaching is love in action. There's a little secret that we need to share with all first year teachers, though. I'm in my ninth year teaching, and I still sometimes have trouble remembering this.

See... thing about teaching is our enthusiasm is cyclical. We start the year with hopes and dreams in the sky, ready to take on every challenge. "Give me the tough, the abandoned, the disenfranchised, angry and mean, and I will not only love them, I will educate them, by God, for I am a Teacher!" By the end of January, we've had our share of pain and disappointment. We have a long time to wait for the next break, and we need to recharge our batteries.

My recommendation: spend a minute or two every day until Spring Break reading an inspirational teaching book, teaching quotes, or just remembering why you're in this godforsaken profession. ;)

Don't leave us... the world needs more brilliant and caring teachers. *hugs* It -does- get better.:):):)"

As she wrote that...

It suddenly occurred to me why this disappointment has been cyclical, as she says, for me, as much as the cycle she's talking about that I'm totally relating to of coming back post-holiday with high expectations only to have them come head-on with the realities and disappointments of kids and other folks having their sights set far too low...

Because...as Katherine says...

"We start the year with hopes and dreams in the sky, ready to take on every challenge. "Give me the tough, the abandoned, the disenfranchised, angry and mean, and I will not only love them, I will educate them, by God, for I am a Teacher!" By the end of January, we've had our share of pain and disappointment."

The larger issue, for me...is that our disappointment and heartache are so strong...because our hopes and dreams are so high-minded...

Meaning...we see where we and our kids...and in my case, at least...though I hope in all of our cases...people, generally...not just in schools...

We see where we could all be aspiring much higher...

How much better life would be for all of us, if we aspired higher...

And what a terrible disappointment we settle for when our aspirations are so low...

That's true of individuals...of individual kids...and even individual teachers...

And it's true of all of us...of humanity...

That when we aspire low...we only get as low as our aspirations take us...

When we aspire higher...

We get more...

But it's so damned disappointing and heartbreaking, in the meantime, while we fall short of higher aspirations...even if they are new expectations whole-cloth...to resolve seemlingly intractable problems...as many of the best ideas aspire to do...

And just as with kids...

We have to learn to ride out the disappointment and heartbreak...as people choose low aspirations...even when higher aspirations would improve life...for all of us...

It's a brilliant insight...

That I've been needing for quite some time, now...

I'm sure some of my friends, Katherine, would say that I've been needing that insight for years...

I'm sure they've gotten tired of me sounding like the sky is falling...

When the truth is...

That the horizon is expanding...

If only we could only see its breadth:):):)...

Thanks so much, Katherine:):):)...

It's a very insightful piece of wisdom:):):)...

And it made a lot of difference for my outlook, today...and, I hope, for some time after today:):)...

Thank you, Katherine...I think you just helped me see why, maybe, so many people lost track of their idealism...because, like me, they get lost in their heartache about the disappointment that the world seems to be compared to their loftier dreams...rather than, as you've help do for me, just get some perspective on those dreams and the world that still needs to live into them...

Hope everyone else appreciates just how important that little piece of wisdom is, too:):)...

I've got to get home, work on an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan), and get some sleep:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why do I feel like such ass, lately?...

I've felt like some serious shit, lately...

I just feel so taken for granted...

I do difficult work...for no money...I can't even pay all my bills...I have a student loan bill that I can't pay, still, at this point...I and every other teacher are expected to take care of every problem in the culture that everyone else is too chicken-shit to deal with, themselves...

And only the smallest percentage of people I've talked with about this seems to take seriously as a problem...

I can't leave teaching...I signed two scholarship deals that require that I remain a special education teacher for 8 years...

So my hand is forced, all around...

And I'm thinking...

If it wasn't forced, I'd want to do a much better job...

But everyone who knows me, personally, can only talk about it in the harshest and most insensitive of terms...

Because they want to retain the right to force my hand or anyone else's hand they want to force...

Because...

No matter how much harder or smarter or whatever I work than most of these same folks...to deal with the same problems...

So now...

My growing attitude...is...

I'm just going to stop working on the same issues so hard...including at my job...the more people force my hand...

I'm going to stop working so hard at being a good son...and a good friend...and a good teacher...and a good policy writer...and a good little activist...

And whatever...

As long as people force my hand...

And I'll only give people the kind of effort and better that I gave them before...

When they get out of my fuckin' face and stop forcing my hand...

And every time someone tries to force my hand...

I'll pull back and do less work...

Every time...

Because I'm tired of working my ass off...

And having people act like they really are working as hard as me...or that they're thinking as hard as me...or that they've earned it as much...

I have a lot of friends and colleagues, right now, who are damned lucky to have my unconditional love and forgiveness...

Because most of the time...

They're not worthy of it...

Except totally as a gift my probably far too generous heart...

At this point...I'm looking to finish my Ph.D. in policy and thinking very seriously about getting out of teaching as soon as possible...I know it's my first year...but I had no clue just how badly my friends and neighbors fucked their public school teachers...

And I have no interest in being fucked any longer than I have to be fucked...

So I'm thinking very seriously about leaving the profession as soon as possible...until the situation can turn around...

And until then...I only do as much work as my hand is not forced to do...

And the more it's forced...the more you get my absolute most minimal effort...

And the more you take me for granted...

The less I'll work on your behalf...

And if I can find a way out of it...

I'll stop working for you, altogether...

Bullies are not friends...they're manipulative shitheads...

And they deserve to dropped like steaming pile of shit that they've become...

I don't know why I've cared as much as I have about my more manipulative friends...

It's pretty fucked up to find out that these are who your friends are supposed to be...

Not any more...

You bully me...

I'll get away from you as quickly as possible, from here on out...

And fuck you in the meantime...

Ben

If life were easy...

...we wouldn't call it strength...we'd call it easy...

It takes strength to be good...

Because...truth be told...it's a hard thing to do...

But we all get better at it...

With the freedom to be better...

So we can develop the strength...to make it so...

Love,
Ben

Belonging...

I'm working late on this I.E.P...on a night where I finally feel like I belong at this school...and on my team...

This feeling...of belonging...it's one of feelings that most of us want to feel, most, I think...so coveted...that people can and do use it to manipulate one another, all the time...when they're able...it's not good for us to do this with one another...but there we go and do it anyway...if we think it will get us what we think we want...which we often do...until the fantasy of that kind of life wears off...and the reality sinks in...

I was thinking, today...after reflecting on that meeting about the student resisting all the people trying to control him, right now...

That losing Brandi...as terribly painful as it was for me...

Was probably good for me...

To have to face my own control issues...

Issues that I will inevitably face with my own children...especially as they grow up...and move beyond my influence...

I handled Brandi's and my breaking up terribly...I was jealous and mean (inadvertantly...I wasn't trying to be mean) and angry and in so much pain I could barely stand it...I was making Brandi feel bad to avoid having her leave me altogether...more out of my pain, than out of any conscious strategy...

And it just pushed her farther away, every time...

And now she's barely even friends, really...more in name, than in reality...

She's not a friend I could call up...or email...or ever really get together with...or hang out with...sometime...when I'm thinking about it...

We're just people who used to be best friends...and who've just had this falling out...that just seems irreconcilable to one of them, right now...for whatever reasons...

I've apologized a million times...about things that she totally deserves apologies for...and I've apologized about things that, in retrospect, I think were foolish to apologize for...things that I think my instincts were right on, the first time...but apologies that I thought would make the peace...

I miss her...

But I think the whole experience has been a necessary learning experience...

Because God knows no book or no lesson preparing for such a situation would or could have ever really prepared me, I don't think...not totally...

It was just this really sad experience that I had to live through...to learn the lesson, I suppose...

But it probably was the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn in my entire life...

And I have no intentions of letting it go to waste...

When I have kids...and they begin to grow up...they're going to need space...and they're going to leave the nest...and I'm going to miss them...

But I need to give them the room to spread their wings...

As Brandi told me, right after we broke up...

She's a caterpillar...growing into a butterfly...and she needs the freedom to spread her wings and fly...

And I wish I would have given her that freedom, better than I did...I did my best...and I went to three therapists at a time, at one point, and read every psychology and relationship book I could get my hands on, to do as good a job as I could to let her go as well as I could...

It does bring you some satisfaction, I think, that when you fuck something up royal...to at least think to myself, "I know I did everything in my power to do that thing better...and there's just not much more that I think that I could have done better in that moment"...

I hope she knows that I did my best...that I did really want what was best for her...even as I was blinded by my own fears and pain and control issues...

Most of us are like this, I think, at some level...we fuck shit up all the time...and we just can't see it, sometimes...but we really do want what is best for one another...generally...

But Brandi did particularly well by me...and I wanted best for her, most of all...

And now, I think...maybe it was good...having to deal with all of that...

So that maybe it will be easier...when my kids leave my nest...

This feeling I have, right now...this feeling of belonging...with my team...and my school...

This was the feeling I had with Brandi...that we could fight...and disagree...and work together...and hurt together...and be all the stronger for it...

I wish I knew why Brandi...and Tom...and Jas...and all my friends feel like they can't reconcile in this kind of way, right now...in a way that makes us all stronger...individually...and together...

But...for whatever reasons...they don't...

When I feel these feelings...these feelings of belongingness...and listen to this music...I'll probably be listening to this Dar Williams live album all night, until I get this stupid I.E.P. done...

I think of Brandi...of especially that summer in 1998...when we were most in love...and the last time that this feeling was strongest...this feeling of belongingness...

I wish she could share it with me, right now...

I've got like 3 serious dating prospects...and several other women in the building interested in dating...

All of them are special in their own way...one of them, in particular, reminds me of Brandi...

She's a math teacher...who brought me calculators, today:):)...

But...truth be told...as pathetic as it is for my life...

None of them are Brandi...

I hope one day I can stop saying that...

I miss you, Fisher...

Love,
Ben

How adults get crazy about children...

We have this crazy situation with a student, right now...

We have this kid who isn't doing work, right now, in class...he's convinced that his teachers hate him...his parents are convinced that the school lacks enough consistent structure with home...the teachers are convinced that the parents are looking for excuses for this kid's behavior...

Am I'm convinced that this is a crazy situation...

Here's my take...

We've got a kid who's not doing work, right now, for whatever reasons...he thinks his teachers hate him...and I do have to say that they tend to ride him without much promise of letting up...though I do think that if they saw him performing better in class they would let up...

The teachers interpret what is going on as defiance...which it is...but it's also a healthy reaction, I think, on the kid's part, to being controlled too much by everyone...parents...teachers...administrators...
everyone...though clearly not healthy enough to get him out of the mess, which would involve taking responsibility for doing the work, doing it, and getting everyone off his back...a pretty tall load for an adult, nevertheless a 6th grader...

But that is the challenge...

I've been working with both the parents and grandparent and the teachers to get off one another's back...and to let this kid succeed or fail on his own...meaning...let him be...give him space to fail...and then him take responsibility for his success...which is the only thing that is going to work, ultimately, no matter how much we work around the margins...

The parents and grandparent are befuddled by the fact that this very educated family has this embarrassing situation of a kid who is not performing, even though the family values education...and they are making tons of excuses...it's a disability...it's the teachers...it's inconsisent structure between the home and the school (which is the oldest excuse in the world for why a parent is failing and looking for everyone else to repeat their mistakes so they don't ever have to look squarely at their failure)...

And this kid...is just kind of blowing everyone off...including me...though we're making some inroads on that route, as well...

The tragedy of the whole thing is that this thing could get very ugly...we have a family with a history of making such things ugly...a due process hearing could get really nuts, if that's where this thing were to go (which it doesn't look like where it is headed, at this point)...and the saving grace, at this point, is that I have a faculty that I'm working with to lead this thing in a better direction...and I'm working with the family to let go of the finger-pointing, some...and to get focussed on Matthew doing amazing with or without the ideal school support...and the most ideal choices on his part...

Here's the bottom-line on this thing, though...

It is not possible to make a kid perform, succeed, and definitely not excell...you can communicate with your conversations with them and with your behavior that you don't trust a kid to work on their own...and that they need to choose to be trustworthy...and they have to have space to fail to make that work...

But so many parents and teachers and others are so afraid of kids failing (which happens all the time, as is) that they'll try to find any excuse around their failure that they think will either avoid the issue...or...they try to find ways, fruitlessly, to force the kid to perform...which is a control issue on the parents' and teachers' parts...only frustrates the issue, since it limits the independence that the kid needs to their functioning in school and life...and which clearly does not work, to anyone with their eyes open around the matter...and, ironically, limits a teacher's ability to allow kids to fail...and to facilitate their taking full and free responsibility for their performance and for their life that, in the long run, is what allows really strong students and really responsible kids to really take off in their academic performance and in their lives...

It's a sad situation...and the great thing about the teachers, in this situation, is that they're not afraid of the kid failing, nearly as much as the parents, that is...

I think it will move in a better direction, generally...I notice my own control of kids all the time out of this fear of watching them fail...but I'm getting better at recognizing it...and just trusting them more...and letting them choose success and failure, more, on their own...and to make choices that often end up being better than I expected...and facing, more honestly, choices that I think will be better than end up being more of a problem...

And our team is getting better at navigating these issues on their merits...and letting go of the need to control kids, as much...though I must say that many of our teachers (like most adults I know, these days) still fruitlessly believe that they can control kids more than they really can...and their efforts to do so often lead to consequences that they say they don't want for kids...but which they get and will continue to get, anyway, until they take responsibility for their own behavior...nevertheless for the behavior of kids...

The situation is a little scary in the sense that it has potential that I don't think and I'm hoping won't be realized...to turn ugly...in a way that would be good for noone...

Especially for this kid...

Who just needs to space to fail and succeed on his own, frankly...and to have noone make any excuses for him...and to support him and let go of the desire to control him, as much as possible, while he makes his way to success...

I'm sure I'm screwing a million things up, right now, with my kids...there's always things we don't see...and our kids will help us see better our flaws, I'm sure, as they can make them clearer to us, as well...as I'm trying to do for and with the teachers and friends and other adults that I work with...as they try to improve their relationships with the children in their lives...

The best thing my parents and my dad, in particular, did for me...

Was give me space to grow...

To let me have a life that they did not have to be intimately involved with every aspect of every moment of the day...

And I would take that childhood...and that life, generally, over anything else in life...any money...any power...any prestige...anything...

That's why my primary goal, in life, is be an outstanding father...and is far more important than being a great teacher or writer or scholar or whatever in my life...

And great dads aren't remembered as great for controlling children...

They are remembered as great...by giving kids the most optimal freedom and engagement...to be the best people they can be...totally independent of a parent's own vision of what a kid's life should be like...

The best parents...are people who have children who are better than they are...not children under the thumb of their parents' own low expectations of themselves and their own potential...

And the best parents know they're screwing up...

Because the last thing they want to do...is foreclose on the opportunity...

For their children to be better parents than they were:):):)...

I've got an I.E.P. to work on:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

More important to be a good man...

I wanted to write about Hamas winning in the Palestinian elections, today...the danger it poses...and the responsibility it involves by Israelis and the world to maintain a commitment to peace...with President Abbas still in his post...even with a partner in Hammas that there is very little reason to believe is in good faith, right now...

I still need to...

But before I go to bed...

I wanted to write about how deeply satisfying it is...to prioritize being a good man...above all other concerns in my life...

I can only hope...that my son...if I were to have one...will outdo me...and humble his old man...while he lifts him up...

I only hope...that I'll be that open...to that kind of humbling...

Like most things in my life...I don't know how to do that...

But I hope that I can be open to learning...

I understand, now, why that is so hard to do...

But I hope that I can be open to learning anyway...

Have a good night, everyone...

Love,
Ben

Life works out...

I had a much better day, today...

The teachers I was upset with and I did some making up...and we seem to be getting along...and getting over much of the bullshit of pecking order and hierarchies and seniority, etc...we seem to have come to an understanding that what I do in my room is what I do...and what they do in their room is what they do...and we are on the same team and supporting one another...but supporting one another doesn't mean that we always have to agree about how we deal with kids...

We also...much more importantly...all seem to be getting on the same page...that academic achievement matters...that it is a our central focus...and that we all take it more seriously than our issues with individual kids...

Which gives me what I want...

Which is hope...that at least some of one generation of kids will have enough support, freedom, supervision, and the least aggressive, most loving way of doing that, possible, that they can have a much better better opportunity to take responsibility for their own lives and their own choices...

The most important problem for us to deal with in early 21st century America is not that there are not enough children who take responsibility for themselves, their lives, and their choices, including and especially how those choices affect others, as well...though we definitely need children and young people to do a much better job of taking that kind of responsibility, for sure...

The most important problem for us to deal with in early 21st century America is that not enough adults take that kind of responsibility...which makes raising a generation of kids to do so doubly hard, as you can imagine...as kids watch the adults in their lives lame out and yet lecture and punish kids with examples that are lacking that kids should take that kind of responsibility seriously...it gets us nowhere...and it doesn't get the very serious problems associated with adults failing to take that kind of responsibility seriously resolved...

And when I say adults lack responsibility...I don't mean that they aren't following the rules or following regulations well enough...

I mean that everyone -- including and often especially the rules-makers and regulators -- don't take nearly enough responsibility for whether or not the goals we are trying to and need to achieve...are actually being achieved by our efforts...rather than our self-righteous whining and regulatory efforts used as a place-holder for doing the hard, human work of facilitating that kind of collaborative responsibility...

We have a better shot at generating that kind of responsibility among adults in this school than any other school I've ever been a part of, in my judgment...

And it is modeling that kind of responsibility that will better inspire it among young people, by far, than trying to lecture or, God forbid, punish our way there, foolishly and fruitlessly...

That doesn't mean we don't intervene when peoples' behavior is too problematic or ugly to accept...it means that we intervene with the least aggressive means, possible (because they are the means most likely to work) with the purpose of containing a problem and improving behavior and developing a sense of conscience for the impact that a person's behavior has on others...

And I'm suggesting that the cynics about this kind of approach...are just kind of lazy, frankly, about constructive efforts to improve the human condition...and just shouldn't be taken that seriously, frankly, about this particular issue, at least...

And I've had plenty of good experience with those principles at work to know that they are far more effective than conventional approaches, even the many good ones that my ideas compliment and build on...and, in this case, along with the efforts of many fine teachers and paraprofessionals and parents and students and staff and social workers and others to make that kind of progress possible...

The other great thing about the last couple of days was that I finally got over my fear of being fired...

Fire me, is my attitude...I'd rather be fired...than spend my whole life worrying about it...I'll be accomodating to people's concerns...but I'm not going to spend my life worrying about whether I'll have a paycheck or not...the people I know who live their lives like that live pretty unhappy lives...and I'm just not interested...and the truth is that I, generally, work far harder than most of my colleagues most of the time...so I'm not scared that I'm somehow slacking...I'm not...and if you think you can find someone to do a better job than I am...I say, go find 'em...

And in the meantime...life is frustrating...and often overwhelming...and definitely discouraging at times...sometimes very discouraging...as the last two days have been for me...

And we work through it...and we find someone who will listen...and we rant...and we get support...and then we start the next day, again, bright and shining...

I was commenting to another teacher, today, that maybe it has something to do with kids...I know it has to do with the way that I think about my own childhood...

But I just don't have this fruitlessly perpetually tragic outlook on life...life does often suck...but it often sucked for us all as kids, as well...and somehow...we found the energy and the inner peace to wake up the next day...and still be happy...or happier...and, generally, for things to get better, over time...

A lot of adults lose track of this, I think, because they get lost in the romantic fantasy...that Melissa and I have talked about a million times...that one day...they were going to grow up...and there weren't going to be hard times like the ones we had when we were kids, again...that we would be adults...and everything would be better...in addition to the fact that we often treat adults far worse, with far less effect, than we do children...

Or they just ignore all those bad feelings...in hopes, foolishly, that they will go away...if they just try to pretend like they don't hurt like they really do...it's called denial...and it's not just another rive in Egypt, as the old saying goes:):):)...

Well...the truth is...often despite our own pessimism around the issue...generally, our lives do get better as we grow older (for those of us committed to our learning and growth, that is)...

It just never gets perfect...or worry or frustration free...

In fact...I find that the deeper I experience my connection to life and to others...the worse the bad feelings get...as much as the better the good feelings get...

But it also means that our life is more fulfilled and more genuinely happy, more of the time...and I'll take that as a trade-off for a life where I'm just always wishing for some other life...because this one hurts so bad or is filled with so much fear...

And the people I trust the most...

Are the ones who feel life like that too...with all its hills and valleys...and the ones I really trust...are the ones who feel safe enough to feel those feelings in my presence...without taking them out on me, necessarily...

And that is not a matter of politics...it is a matter of openness...and trust...and commitment...and character...and love...and compassion...and decency...

I can't tell you the strength...that comes with staring down those kinds of fears...of facing them, head one, painful as they might prove to be, if they come to pass...

And saying that you're conscience...you're integrity...is more important than any punishment that might be inflicted on you...

Powerful stuff...and it makes me a lot harder to intimidate than most people, I think...which makes us all stronger...the more people who take that on...

I realize, now, that one thing that I totally took for granted in my relationship with Brandi...was that a major difference between us was that I took life much more seriously than did, Ms. Fisher...ironically...it gave me a much bigger sense of humor about the things that really don't matter, as much...because taking life seriously...means recognizing what really matters most...

And working with kids reminds you...that it is the people...for all their flaws and tediousness...that matter most...

Makes my life...and my work...and my thinking about things...much more worthwhile...

That outlook on my relationship with Brandi helps me to romanticize her and our relationship less...to recognize all the great things that Brandi had to offer my life and the world...

But to recognize that I'm quite sure that there are people, out there, who take life as seriously as I do...and who bring wisdom as well as love and support and intelligence and courage and all kinds of virtues...to a relationship...that the Brandi I knew...just didn't have to offer, at that point in her life...as much as that disappointed/s me:):)...

I've got to get something to eat...to call a parent...to get out some letters to parents...and to work on an I.E.P. (and Individualized Education Plan)...

I hope everyone is having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A realization to bring me calm...

After sleeping off some depression about my shitty-ass week...and ranting to Melissa for a couple hours about how fuckin' arrogant my colleagues are for trying to humble me without better ideas...

I came to a really calming realization, tonight...that, hopefully, will give me some perspective in my first year teaching...

My freshman year of forensics at Wichita State...I had been a hotshot high school competitor...who couldn't even place, hardly, or break into elimination rounds, my first semester...it was really depressing...I was constantly thinking about quitting...or whatever...and it was really difficult to deal with for someone who had been successful for several years up until that point...

And I was the new kid...and my friends, as a part of including me, also picked on me, quite a bit...and it used to rile me quite a bit...largely because I wanted to be taken seriously...

My losing streak changed the last tournament of my freshman year...when I won first place speaker sweeps at Arizona State University...and my college speech and debate career finally got on track...

And I was frustrated, largely, because I took speech and debate so goddamned seriously...which paid off by my senior year...when I was one of the top speakers in the nation...

The perspective I got tonight...is that the reason why my frustrations with this first year are so frustrating me...

Is because I take it so seriously...because I want to be a great teacher...not a good teacher...not an ok teacher...and certainly not a mediocre teacher...

I want to a great teacher...I want to be one of the greatest teachers who ever lived...that's how I live my life...I want to be the greatest...always...as much as possible...

And I'm frustrated...because I take this job more seriously than most people take this job or any job, frankly...and so I have more serious emotions around it, as a consequence...my highs are higher...and my lows are lower...my anger is deeper...and so is my depression, when I feel it, like tonight...

The perspective I got tonight is that I take this stuff more seriously than all the folks I'm dealing with...

It's like being a parent or a teacher and watching your kids make all kinds of bad choices...although...as I said, today, it's more complicated...it's like having the average kids bully the smart kids into agreeing with their answers, even when they're wrong because they're too fuckin' immature to deal with being wrong all on their own...

And teachers and all kinds of adults are always trying to get me to be wrong with them...for the same reason that the drunk or the pothead always wants you to drink with him or smoke up with him...

Because they're too fuckin' chickenshit to be wrong on their own...

Well I'm not playing ball...and that's probably going to piss some people off...but too fuckin' bad...I'm an individual who has my own virtues and vices, strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, understandings and mistakes...

And you are your own person...and I'll do what I can to support you...and work with you, constructively...and I'll forgive your fuck-ups...

But ultimately...each person is responsible for themselves...

And there is no other literal way around that one...we are clearly affected by one another, emotionally...but someone's got to have the courage to take us to higher ground on that one, clearly...because we won't get there if they don't...

And the worst part about threatening me with every fuckin' thing under the sun to get me there...

Is that I'm not scared of anything anymore...I will deal with whatever people throw at me, from now on...

Because the biggest virtue that I have...that other people lack is...

...courage...

And the great thing about courage...real courage...is that it can't be beaten out of you...

No matter how much someone tries...

To the contrary...

The more people try...the more courage I get...the stronger I get...and the more I ignore your dumbass...and lose respect for you, in the meantime...

I take this stuff more seriously than most people do...

And I get frustrated with just how much people who don't take themselves or the stakes or the thinking about either as seriously as I do...make so many decisions that they clearly don't think nearly enough about...

It's an adolescent conceit...that you don't need to think very hard about the things in life that matter...

And I get frustrated that adolescents run this world, much of the time...

But...big people always win out...

Because they're big people...and because they're thinking...

And because adolescents...don't know what the fuck they're doing...

And soon enough...their vices catch up with them...

And virtue -- the virtue of serious thought and the virtue of the courage involved with sharing even unpopular ideas, especially when they're right -- leads the way...

I just gotta be patient, right now...

If the people I was disagreeing with had a serious counterpoint, right now, I would be listening to it...but the truth is that they don't...what they have is a lot of groupthink...which gets us in all kinds of trouble, as George Orwell and, more recently, Kansas Senator Pat Roberts, remind us of...

And sooner or later...it catches up with people...

It's just that, much of the time...sooner can't come too soon...and later seems far too long down the road...

But virtue and vice eventually catch up with all of us...

Because one, in moderation, nurtures us...and the other, in extremes, is self-destructive and, often, destructive of others...

I have a long time to become a better teacher...I'll keep working on it...

In the meantime...things will be a little shitty...while my kids and my colleagues try on their newly accessed and openly-expressed vices...

But...sooner or later...it will catch up with them...

And we'll all be stronger for them being able to more openly express them...

So that we can all have the experience of being more fully accepted...for our smallness...as well as for our greatness...

I better try to get some sleep...

Have a good day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

I think I'm really thinking about quitting...

I think I'm giving up on the idea that there is ever a place where thought is really taken seriously...where it is recognized or rewarded on its merit...

I wish I would have known all of this before I would sought after this life...

I thought about it in much more romantic terms, I guess...people develop original ideas...those ideas percolate...and people get recognized for original ideas...

But this has just been too hard...

Life is like this classroom run by the average students...there's no teacher...and being bright is something to treated with suspicion...the rules...meaning comformity, of course...are more valuable than thought...thought is dangerous...unless it negates our own freedom to learn and grow...

I just need to do something less meaningful, I think...something with no stakes...so I won't care about it...or myself...

Something where...when I abdicate my responsibility to think for myself...which is what everyone wants everyone else, to do, when they say that they'd rather get their way than give people the freedom to think...a place where I don't feel so irresponsible for doing so...

Maybe politics...that seems to be a place where most people want their representatives to do what they're told and not what their consciences dictate...noone takes responsibility when things go badly, of course...because noone's ever responsible, right?...if citizens demand it...and things go wrong...well, then, it's those damned politicians...and if politicians make decisions and things go wrong...well, they were just doing what voters wanted...

It's a cozy relationship, isn't...it's kind of a classic love/hate relationship...citizens and politicians hate one another...but they're always doing what one another want...it's just that noone wants to take responsibility for the stuff that goes wrong...

I don't know what I want to do, frankly...there's no job that I really love, right now...certainly not my own...

And that's the way that it's supposed to be most people over 35 would tell me...

Work is supposed to be something you hate until you die...because if you liked it too much...then it wouldn't be work...

Don't you love the circularity of all that?...

And in the meantime...high-minded purposes just make you stick out, too much...

Mediocrity imposing itself on excellence...that's what life is...

And there's no way out of that...

You know...if that's true...I don't want to live this life...I'd rather commit suicide than live with that sorry state of affairs...

I don't know...I don't think I can do this...this conformity thing...this, "Leave your brain behind and let us to the thinking for you"...I don't think I can do it...this "Don't worry about making intelligent judgments...worry about doing what you're told" business...I just don't think I can do it...

Is it any wonder, then, why people so irregularly follow the rules?...

Because it involves setting aside a higher responsibility...

Thinking for yourself...

And what an awful world it would be if people stopped thinking...so that they could follow the rules better...

I think humanity should be careful of what it wishes for, right now...what foolish fantasies about life that it has...

It just might get them...

And I don't care what anyone says, any more...

I'm not following the rules for the rules sake...

I'm not going to do what people say...when it's bad for me or someone else...just because they say so...at least not more than I already do so, for the sake of compromise...

Noone is God...none of us...and why we perpetually think we are, I will never know...

I'd rather give up my soul than to sell it...

And that's all I want, really...the freedom to live by my own conscience...and not have others perpetually pressuring me to take up their bad decisions with them...and to not have others constantly rationalizing why they do so, for good or for bad, just because they're too scared to take responsibility for their own choices and decisions...

I'm feeling really disillusioned, right now...

Because I'm growing to believe that a world where people can live by their own consciences...

And as a consequence...have stronger consciences...

Will always be made impossible by the petty and weak amongst us...who are just too scared to allow something like that to happen...no matter how much stronger it would make all of us...

I'm going home...I'm tired...I'm depressed...and I just need to lie down...to take this resignation and defeat I'm feeling, right now, to go down a lot easier...

This is what a lot of people said they wanted...

For me to just give up...

Not to be persuaded...or to have a change of heart...or a change of mind...

But to just give up...and do what I'm told...

Maybe it's time to give them what they want...

Ben

I'm thinking about quitting...

I'm beginning to think that I'm just too young for this field...or too smart...or something...

Because the older folks are just not to happy with new ideas, I'm learning...

It's a new problem, of course...in every other previous generation...older people have always taken to new ideas easily...it's just this particular generation that young people don't really have any new ideas that improve on the ideas of the previous generation...

The baby boom generation has finally done what no other generation has done before it...

It's gotten everything right...

And there's just not much need for folks my age to think for ourselves...

Because older folks have already done all the thinking for us...

And thank goodness for that...it makes sure everything stays the same...which is exactly as it should be...

Yeah...I'm think I may just quit...

Do something I don't care about...

So I don't care whether I'm being shut down or not...

Will there ever be a time when I'm not being shut down?...

Ben

A clarifying moment...

I'm starting to look at life different...

The more time I spend with people...

The more I realize that there are basically two types of people in the world...

People who aspire for greatness...

And everyone else who wastes their lives making excuses for why they don't...

And there's not a damn thing that I can do to lift peoples' aspirations...except to suggest that they set their sights higher...and either work to achieve those dreams...or don't...

And such is life...

In the meantime...I aspire to do great things with my life...I have very little patience for mediocrity, frankly...and I do my best to not let others settle for mediocrity, either, in my presence...

Most people talk a good game about excellence...Ronald Reagan's warning against a tide of mediocrity in American education comes to mind, here...mentioned after Mr. Reagan had dedicated his own education and acting career to mediocrity, doing B-movies with very little to contribute, substantively, to anyone's learning, nevertheless to his own...

But very few people actually pursue it...

And they spend their lives making excuses for why they're not smarter than they are...and why it doesn't matter, when it clearly does...

People who lack virtues regularly waste their time making excuses for why those virtues don't really matter, anyway...and intelligence is no different...

I need to serve my time doing education reform work in K-12 schools, I think...

And then I need to either finish up a Ph.D. (in policy, if I do)...or get work as a professor teaching and writing and lecturing, etc. in policy...and spend more time with much smarter and higher aspiring folks...I don't know, yet, where that would best be done...I'm quite clear that there is no intellectual or other kind of utopia...

But I would like to find a place where a lot of folks take learning and thinking and studying seriously...but not so seriously that they don't have a life outside of it all, as well...and where that virtue is best nurtured and rewarded (the first more than the second)...

A place where I buy a little house where I can walk...and write...and think...and contribute...

And a place where I can work with lots of different folks in lots of different fields...to make contributions to their efforts and learn from theirs, as well...international and domestic policy, psychology, economics, education, and criminology are all areas that I know I have contributions to make...

And it would nice to find a place where folks are humble enough to just have those conversations and exchanges in a way that facilitates all of our learning...rather than being big pissing contests...or turf wars...or pecking orders...or whatever stupid reasons that people have to arrogantly avoid new opportunities to learn...

There's got to be a place like that, I say to myself...a university, likely...surely there's got to be a faculty where learning is more important than ego...

I've never met that faculty...but surely it's got to out there, somewhere, right?...or at least one willing to aspire...

But in the meantime...

My identity is no longer tied to the opinions of any faculty or field or students or whatever...

I will make my contributions...I will think and write and give what I have to give...and if I'm persuaded that I'm wrong about anything that I happen to be wrong about...then I will spend time with that and learn from it and be open to changing my mind in the most substantial ways I can muster...

And then I'll go home...and walk...and think...and talk with at least one companion, at some point, I hope...and write...and find people who can have serious conversations without making it be about them...having those conversations as if the stakes really mattered as much as they do...so no egos are really necessary nor really all that useful...

But the point is...I'll have a life of my own...my life is not tied to my work, in the same way, anymore...

I want to persuade people to take the important ideas in life seriously...

But I realize, now, that I may/will not always be successful in persuading people of that...

And in the meantime...the work is too important to get hung up on whether someone objects...without really putting much substantial thinking into the matter...which is most people, I'm discovering...

And I'm definitely figuring out that my expectations for a partner in my life have definitely been far too low...

And just because noone in my immediate vicinity is living up...doesn't mean I shouldn't keep my expectations high...they will be high no matter who I fall in love with, after all...so I might as well be keeping my sights high as I look for that person, in the meantime...

And I'll know love when I experience it, I have no doubt...

In the meantime...

I just need to keep following the only instincts that I trust most, at this point...

Mine (along with the best wisdom that others have to offer)...

I got to get some sleep:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

You ever get the feeling that people want to fail?

I finally decided, today...that some people, I'm growing convinced...just maybe want to fail...or maybe just to find enough excuses for why they didn't pursue success...

It makes me much more realistic about what we can achieve in schools...

I can do everything I can to set as many kids up, as possible, to succeed...but...ultimately...either they'll chase their dreams...with all the bumps and bruises, as much as the great parts of that journey...or they won't...

And I just create as many conditions, as possible, to make that a possibility...

Today, I had my first evaluation with my principal...everything went great...I told her about the efforts we've made to improve expectations for all students, including special education students, for behavior and academics...and the success we've had with it...along with the frustrations...

My principal is the person, other than me, with the highest expectations for students in the building...

And even she doesn't really have the highest expectations for students, sometimes...

The one really sour note in the meeting...was that somehow...that in the midst of the argument that the counselor and I had about the I.E.P. meeting I was in...the fact that I told her in a later private meeting that she was bullshitting me -- which I think she was, in retrospect -- about whether she was impugning a decision I had made with a kid earlier in the day to send him out of the room after a series of events that she was just not privy to, frankly -- the word "bullshit" got around to the principal...

And I realized...that if I have someone on my hands who's a tattle-tale...this is not someone I should trust...nor do I...if it was the counselor who passed on my comment...I was talking to someone I thought was a friend...and, as I told Dr. Ogburn...if she's not a friend...then there's no reason for me to talk with her like she is...

After that meeting...we had a S.I.T. meeting -- which basically means we were deciding if he should get special education help or not -- for a student...

And as I sat around this table...with so many bullheaded people...thinking that they were "right" about what was going on with this kid...this kid who was having conflict with some teachers, some of which the teachers are responsible for, I think...but the burden of the education being on the student, ultimately, fair or not...

I realized...that there was no way for me to move this entire school...or district...or even education, generally, necessarily...

I can put the ideas out there...and either people will run with them or they won't...just like with the kids...

And in the meantime...my identity is no longer...at any level...as a teacher...as a thinker...as a person...

...wrapped up in whether or not people pick up those ideas or not...

I have a life...separate from teaching...separate from thinking...separate from anything professional...

Which is all my own...

And where I could give two shits if people like my ideas...like my contributions...like my accomplishments...or even like me...or not...

I have a life that is my own...

And after I make these two calls...I'm going to go enjoy it, a little:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

How I know my innocence has passed...

I just realized something really sad, today...

I have several attractive single women I work with at Eisenhower...one of them, in particular, seems to float around in my head, after I see her...and even before...

My interest in her and all of these women is innocent...meaning, I'm looking for a girlfriend and future wife...not to get laid...I actually haven't had sex in quite a long time...and it doesn't really bother me as much as the fact of not having a soulmate, around...not having a best friend to share things with and who I think understands, better, what I'm thinking or experiencing...

All of these girls fall short of this romantic image I have of Brandi, of course...they're not as vulnerable...or smart...they're not as outgoing...or sweet...or warm...or welcoming...even as I wonder if much of what I loved about Brandi was a part of our youth that, with experience with the world, we've grown up in ways that leaves some of that behind...I don't know about that one...I'm just throwing it out there...

But I just realized something, for sure, this afternoon, that really makes me sad...

That I won't ever meet a girl, again, the same way Brandi and I met...

Meaning...I'm too aware, at this point, of girls...to ever meet a girl, again...just to be friends...and not think about dating her...or having sex with her...

Much of the charm of that relationship that I so miss is that I wasn't trying to date Brandi...

Brandi was my best friend...for more than a year...before we even thought about dating...

I wasn't trying to fuck her...I wasn't even trying to date her...

I was just hanging out with someone who really impressed me, as a person...and who was really easy to hang out with...

And I just realized that I'll never, ever be able to do that, again, ever in my life...

Because...I'm just a more sexually aware human being, now...

So every time I meet a girl, I think about being or not being attracted to her and at what levels...usually I'm attracted to every woman, at some level, even if I have to work at it, a little, to see what it is that I like about her...

And I always wonder if she's dating material...though I'm really picky...and I don't date easily, anymore...

It's so funny...Brandi met her current husband...when she picked him up for a one-night-stand...that just turned into something else...

And I just won't/can't do that, anymore...

I want to meet someone who I can fall in love with...someone who's a trusted friend, first...and I'm only interested in sex, really, way down the line...

But I'll never meet someone, again, who I'm just interested in as a friend...and where the relationship comes out of nowhere...because every woman I meet has potential for dating, any more...though I try my best to be respectful about women who are dating or married...

And the worst part is...noone knows just how sad that makes me feel...

Because noone knows just how special that was to me...except for one person...who hasn't communicated with me in a very long time, at this point...

This girl, at work...I don't know if she's Brandi...or better...she's got a lot of qualities that Brandi doesn't have...or didn't...the last time I talked with her...

...a sense of street smarts...a genuine concern for children from minority and poor neighborhoods that I'm not convinced, anymore, that Brandi has/had, frankly...a sense of self-respect that is really strong...that I've doubted about Brandi for quite some time, now...

I don't know if this girl is more loyal than Brandi...who turned out, along with other friends I thought of as loyal, at one point, to have the loyalty of a piece of driftwood...

But she lacks a lot of the qualities -- as do most girls and people -- that made Brandi's and my friendship so easy...

Her warmth...her charm...her outgoing nature...none of which I've seen in Brandi in years, though...so...not necessarily something that I have seen for quite a while, in a woman...

But I do think about Andrea, the girl at Eisenhower, more than I do other women I know...she's black...which is a new experience for me...I've never dated a black woman...I've always dated, more often than not, people I wanted to fall in love with...and I've just not met a lot of black women, in my lifetime, that I've had those feelings for...so it's kind of refreshing to have different feelings for Andrea...though I would definitely not say that I'm in love...far from it...I just want a friendship with someone who just looks like someone I could trust, more, in my building and in my field...

She's also gorgeous...but I think I've made clear to the other gorgeous women in the building and in my life that I am not someone who dates people for looks...if that were the case, there are several women I could have already asked out...I'm just not impressed by a pretty face, that much, I guess...they seem a dime a dozen, to me...whereas wisdom and intelligence and heart and compassion and decency are a lot more rare...

But goddamn it if it isn't bullshit that I just can't be friends with a girl without thinking about fucking her, anymore...I just was really innocent when I met Brandi...and I'll just never be innocent enough to do that ever again, I'm afraid...

I cried, a little, when I realized that...I don't like to cry about anything involving Brandi, any more...I just want to be numb to her, from now on...

If I saw her, today, I'd probably avoid her...if she approached me, I'd probably say, "Hi"...but kind of cold...wondering, "What the hell are you wanting to talk with me about, now, after you forsaken our friendship?"...

But, goddamn, if I don't want to let my guard down, again, with a woman...or just some kind of close friend...who I can just love for them...and me just be loved for me...and me not having to wonder if anyone really believes in unconditional love, or not...since the verdict on that, at this point, seems to be, "No"...

Everyone's love is conditional, it seems most of the time...no matter how much they protest to the contrary...I'll love you until I don't, is the standard order of the day, I'm learning...and Brandi was definitely the big lesson for me to learn on that one...I couldn't even count on her friendship, which was always more important to me than our relationship...but there's plenty of friends that I've learned that I couldn't/can't count on, no matter how much they try to convince me different when we were closer friends...

Only my love is unconditional...so that it can either be perpetually taken for granted, without end...or so that they can come apologize to me about how they took it for granted, after I've had to live through all the pain involved with their taking it for granted, as they did...and do...

Most people I would meet, in the world, who would tell me that they're love is unconditional I would tell them to their face that they're full of shit...

Most people lie when they say that, I'm convinced, any more...most people are just saying that to make themselves feel better...not because they will actually follow through with that commitment...

It's the biggest lie we probably all say to ourselves and each other, if we're not going to back it up with the goods to prove it...and most people I've trusted most with that commitment have been lying about it, it's turned out...that could change...but I haven't seen it change, yet, at this point...

Why am I so idealistic, then, if so many people have let me down?...

Because I can back up that commitment with the goods...because I live up even as others live down...and I don't give a shit how many people lower their standards for what kind of human being they're going to be...

I won't...

I've got to go home and get some sleep...I've got work to do...but I can't stay awake, at this point...I'll have to finish it, tomorrow...

Have a great day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

I'm beginning to understand...

An interaction with some kids, today, who take school hardly seriously at all taught me an important lesson today...

What most adults try to do, much of the time...is to prove why should be taken seriously...

When they haven't earned it...

When they fucked off all that time in their younger years...and many of them still do, in a substantive sense...meaning, not thinking nearly enough...and not being humble in front of those who do...

And then demanding to be taken seriously when they haven't earned it and don't deserve to be taken seriously...

There's several people I can think of, right now, very much like the students I'm dealing with, right now...

They take themselves too seriously...because they don't take whether or not they have something important or relevant to add to the conversation nearly seriously enough...

Meaning...they put their egos...before their purposes and the substance of the matters that they want to be taken seriously about, in life...

And then they wonder why they're not taken more seriously than they are...or why noone is listening when they have very little to say...

I'm learning -- from the state debate tournament I judged this last weekend -- that the smartest folks...high school kids, included -- come to a lot of the same conclusions, generally...and are in more fundamental agreement...

Because they just take the issues, involved, more seriously...than their pettiness or their egos...

You can always tell this type of person...

Because they, generally, have something substantive to say...

How impressed I would be to meet more people who had something to say worth listening to...

We sure could afford to have a lot more of them in this world...

Which explains why only some of them have anything worth saying that stands the tests of time...

But I'm also learning that there are real limits, I think, to our ability to inspire and lead and coerce others to take life and its consequences for themselves and for others more seriously...that I can keep looking...and that I can only hope that I can keep finding ways to transcend...

But the sad fact, at this point, I think...is that some people just have more serious things to say about life...and to contribute to our understanding of it...

And those people are few and far between...

And most of the dumbasses in the world...don't care...because they're dumbasses...meaning...kinda dumb...but also...generally kinda dumb...because they just aren't all that serious about life, in the first place...

Life, I'm sure...will eventually give them plenty of reason to get serious...

But most people have to learn most of those lessons the hard way, I'm afraid...

Which is why we need more people to take those consequences more seriously...so we can all take responsibility for a world where everyone can learn those lessons easier...and, at the extremes of learning and our experience...with less danger and more security for us and our lives...

But having that world...meanings having a lot more people taking life a lot more seriously...for real...meaning...taking life and its consequences and studying those things...more seriously than our desire to be taken more seriously than we've earned...

It is true...that everyone knows the path...and that few people walk it...but an awful lot of people fake it...in lieu of walking it...which is really the most irresponsible move, of all...

I have work to do:):)...

Have a good day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why people fight reality...when they know that it can't budge...

I'm beginning to realize why -- in addition to the fact that a lot of people have just not thought very much about life -- people fight reality...when they know it can't budge...

Why do people insist on realities...that only backfire...or are counterproductive...or where their friends and family and colleagues would all function a lot better if they would learn to accept difficult realities, better, to generate better ones...

And the answer is...

That they're scared...

We obsess about realities we can't change...

When we're scared of those realities...

Why are people obsessing about rules so much, right now?...

Because the reality is that people don't follow them, much of the time...except when they understand them...

And they are scared of what they think -- wrongly -- is the alternative...a world without rules...which isn't the only or best alternative...

The better/best/only alternative...is a world where people follow the intent of good rules (and ignore bad rules...noone wants people turning in Jews during the Holocaust, I hope)...

And where they rely, first and foremost...on their consciences...not on rules...

People of deep conscience have to recognize the irony of an emphasis on rules when history is replete with good being done only by bending the rules and by no other way...

Most people don't operate at that level of conscience...and most people are afraid...sometimes for good reason...about what the world would look like if force could never be used to prick a conscience or to deal with harm imposed on others...

Which noone is seriously proposing, truth be told...

But many folks fear that this is what is being proposed...and obsess about rules and conformity to them, as a consequence...

Living in the self-delusion...that this will be the generation that will finally stamp out all that tedious non-comfortity:):):)LOL:):):)...

How incredibly foolish people are, sometimes:):):)LOL:):):)...

And then the moment will pass...just as many other ugly moments in humanity's history have passed...

And we'll start fresh, again:):):)...

Hope everyone has a great Friday and weekend:):):)...

I've got a debate tournament to judge:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A much better day...

Every time I have a shitty day like yesterday...when people, generally, and anyone, in particular, disappoints me in any serious way...

I have to do what I did last night...

Which is...

Come back to the drawing table...relax...try to get some intuition of what it is that I'm seeing me that's frustrating me...and try to understand the situation more realistically to handle the situation better today...

Which is what I did...

The kids were giving me hell, I think, because I've been pushing them a lot, lately...I was given a reality check about that by the counselor I was working with...and again by the kids in my advocacy class, yesterday...though the check by the kids was more to the point...

Push us...the message went...and we push back...and we can push back hard, as well...

And now I've got the message loud and clear...

And today was a far better and more productive day, as a consequence...

The kids are adopting me as one of their own...maintaining the expectation that I am their teacher, first...and their friend, second...

It's the hardest line for a teacher to walk, I think...

But I think I'm getting a better handle on it...

And I'm heading back to Wichita, this weekend...to judge some debate...and to see my good friend, Brian White, finally, after enough botched attempts to see him and catch up, some...

Brian was a teammate of mine in college on our speech and debate team...and he was one of the smarter people I knew at Wichita State...and who I got to know not just for his smarts...but as a good friend...

Brian is a conservative that I trust when it comes to matters of politics...

You know why?...

Because I know...from many years competing and working with Brian...

That he thinks about his politics...

And because he cares...something that not nearly enough liberals or conservatives do well enough...

Brian is someone that I think of as a smart, decent guy, first...and a conservative, second...and he's one of the smarter conservatives I've met in my lifetime...but he's, first and foremost, one of the smarter people I know around politics...and I'm glad to get the opportunity to see him...and help out...and maybe get to catch up, some...

Hope your day is going as well as mine, today:):)...

Have a great end of the week, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why do people do public service?

Today was one of those days that I wondered why I do public service, at all...

I've been trying to get caught up on bills that I'm behind on because I worked a job before this one that didn't pay all my bills...

I still have a student loan payment that I'm not quite sure, yet, that I'll be able to pay with my salary...I'm hoping I will, of course...but I have to see if I'm in the clear, yet, financially...

Melissa overspent her account significantly...so I have to pick up all the bills and the rent this month...

In the meantime...I can't afford a belt or shoes, right now, until I know that all the other bills are taken care of...

And the kids started to pick up on the fact that my shoes are getting kind of raggedy...they say my shoes "flap their gums" (referring to how the backs are detached from the soles)...

And they spent the whole day fucking with me about it...

I spent 18, now 32, years trying to escape poverty...only to end up in it, again...all the name of trying to alleviate it...how foolish, I am, I think...

Because the cynics are right...it's never gonna change...the world will never get better...greed will always dominate...so we might as well call it something better rather than calling it out for what it is...

I don't know why people do public service, sometimes, frankly...

Except that if they don't...it won't get done...

There's no rationale reason for me to do this work, I think, some days...

I'm in the hole, financially...I'm making very little money to make up the difference, nevertheless to start planning for my future...

Noone appreciates the people who do this work, at all, generally...they generally complain about having to pay the taxes to fund it...and they take advantage of all the services...

Public service is, perpetually...people asking for the moon...and never wanting to pay a dime for it...

People are so fuckin' shitty...

They're so selfish...and greedy...and nasty...and mean-spirited...

And they never want to face up...

And it's everyone...there's no place you can go where people aren't shitty...there's just places where you can go where people are less shitty than others...

Teaching is one of those fields...though even that field has its more than adequate share of shittiness, I'm learning...

And people always want to be more of the same...to somehow change the ugliness of their neighbors...

The futility of that strategy has just never dawned on them...the idea that they would need to be a better example of their ideals...rather than just another lecturer and enforcer has just never dawned on them...

They never learn the lesson...

It's been 2000 years since Jesus died...and enough time since the deaths of Moses and the Buddha and Mohammed and Ghandi and King...

And we still haven't learned the lesson that it was Jesus' example...Buddha's example...Ghandi's example...King's example...that changed the world...not the enforcement of their erstwhile revolutionary or conservative brethren...

There's no money in this work...there is very little appreciation, except among colleagues, which is really the only thing that makes this work worthwhile...there's all kinds of excuses from people about why they're so shitty...and why the world is so fucked up around money but there's nothing they can do about it...

I don't know why anyone does it, frankly...except...

...that if public servants don't serve the public good...who will?...

And what would the world look like if they gave people the ultimate freedom that they all seem to crave (except when they're wanting to impose on their neighbors)...no government...a world of chaos, for sure...so...instead...those same folks rationalize a world of as much government as they want for whatever purposes they want...so they can get more stuff that they want...which is how so many people live their lives...

...rather than the most minimal government oversight of peoples' lives, possible...to promote the self-governance of a citizenry...both as individuals...and as communities...

And that is this long, perpetual, seemingly unchangeable fact of human history...

People wanting freedom for themselves...to encroach as much as suits their fancies and their immediate passions...on the freedoms of their neighbors...with more self-centeredness driving that desire...than a genuine and deep commitment to improving the human condition...

And public servants are often just trying to quietly do good (sometimes not so quietly)...amidst the chaos of irrational and self-centered thought and behavior that animates the human experience...

As bad as it sounds...I can't think of anyone, anywhere, right now, who I think of as a better example for how to live a life than my own, right now...not anyone that I can think of that I would want to follow, right now...

King's example inspires me...Ghandi's example inspires me...in many ways, the examples of great scholarly leaders inspire me...Joe Nye...Amartya Sen...Abraham Maslow...

Others have influence and inspire me in more minor ways...

But most people leave me a little underwhelmed, frankly...

Most people either take advantage of me, personally, or take advantage of people like me...they have more and less ugly and more and less legal ways of doing that...but they do it...and there often seems impugnity in the way they do it...the excuses they have...the lack of conscience they seem to have for it...their lack of concern for others than themselves...

I long, so often...for someone...

Some mentor...some friend...some fellow traveler...

To challenge me...to guide me...to have wise words for me...

But fellow travelers with wisdom...rather than just more narrowly-relevant information...

Are just so rare...

And many foolish and stupid people fancy themselves as smart and wise, I'm learning...it's this terribly dumb and cowardly and often dangerous conceit on their part...too afraid to look at themselves, honestly...

Some day...and this is from my heart...

Some day...I'd like to meet someone, again...who makes me think...

I want to think...

"Goddamn...they have a lot to teach me...they have a lot of wisdom to share...they have a lot to enlighten my life"...

I haven't had that feeling in a very long time, really...except when I read great authors...like the guys I mentioned before...or maybe if I see something extraordinary...like the woman who directed the documentary we just saw, Born in Brothels...and who helps these kids learn photography...and to get enrolled in schools to help them escape the pressure to prostitute themselves, as well, as exists in many of their lives...someone with a deep commitment...that is inspiring...and teaches something in and of itself...

Some days...as you can see...I think it's never going to change, either...

And some days...like the day when the kids fucked with me all day about my fuckin' shoes...

I have no clue, whatsoever, why I do this work...

I really don't know...

Who is it that I'm so impressed with that I want to go to them and say, "Look at how wise I am for caring for the needs of the young and the selfish and the foolish...even as they shit all over me like I'm just some fuckin' rag doll...to be used up for their self-centered purposes...and thrown out when I don't do anything for them, anymore...or when they can escape the confines of school, as is the case for teachers"...

What reward is there in doing work like that?...

There's not much financial reward...and...on days like this...there's very little psychic reward, as former California governor Jerry Brown so famously opined about teachers...

There's just a bunch of shitheads...expecting other people to do the heavy lifting for them...for as little as they can possibly get away with paying them...and definitely as much as they can get away with taking them for granted...and otherwise taking advantage of them...

And who won't even fuckin' explore ways of changing the situation...to free it up...to make it better...so lost are they in their pettiness and their fears and their rationalizations of that pettiness and those fears and the greed and other ugliness they don't want to give up...

Because...for a million different stupid, self-centered reasons...

It makes them feel too bad to even consider that things might need to change...and that change might mean being more responsible for all the shit that needs improvement...

So politically active folks don't trust people to be responsible (largely because they don't trust anyone to know what's best for people except for themselves)...and citizens don't trust their government to do any good (largely because they never took the time to put themselves in the shoes of their leaders...because doing so means taking responsibility in a way that they've just never considered before)...

And everything just gets kind of fucked up amidst this madness...

What is so wrong with humanity, right now, that we wouldn't even think very seriously, at all, about being mature and responsible and thoughtful and decent than all this?...

That so few of us can look at the situation we are in and say, "Surely, there's got to be a better way"..."Surely this is not all that the human race has to offer"...

Why in the fuck would we settle for such low expectations?...

Of ourselves...of humamity...of life...

Because we're too cowardly to imagine something different?...

Because we're too satisfied with being shitheads all the time?...

Because we're too lazy to do the work that is involved with making things better?...

Because we just don't give much of a shit, at all...for ourselves...nevertheless for others...

I don't even know what to say, anymore, except that I know we can do better...

We just, generally, don't want to...

It's not a matter...nor has it ever been...that we can't be better, as individuals and as a human race...

It's that we often...if not generally...just don't want to...

We feel complacent about our current lot...and simultaneously and perpetually unhappy with it...never really noticing the contradiction...or just how unhappy we are...so lost are we in our cynicism about committing to something of purpose that might make us more profoundly happy...

And cynicism is not reality...it's a romantic idea of life...that goes sour...and the disappointment that is left over from that unrequited love...that we never let go of...

It's funny...Joe (Nye) always, somewhat cynically...refers to soft power as "seduction"...as the ability to get what you want by attracting others...

But I think a more genuine soft power...is found on the other side of seduction...

It's found in the often mute and only flickering hope of real love...that so often has escaped us...and the reason why we settle for seduction, in the meantime...

It's in the hope of the jilted boyfriend...wanting more than seduction...and seeking a greater love than the one he found before...

Because if it's not found in there...and the cynics are right...it's not found at the barrel of a gun, either...

It's just not found...anywhere...

There's plenty of guns...and plenty of harshness...and plenty of long prison sentences...and plenty of police...and plenty of military force...and plenty of ass-beatings...in the world, today...

And if we can't lift ourselves up...as individuals...and as a human family...

Then there's really no alternative, at all...

There's just this shitty lot of people...trying futiley to make themselves better than they really can be...because they really can't help it...or have a genetic predisposition...or it's in their nature...or whatever millionth excuse that people have for being so goddamn shitty...

It's really just hopeless, is what it is...

And we all might as well get used to it...

I hope that isn't true...

And I don't think we'll be able to function...or would be able to function...if it is/was...

Maybe my teachers were right...

Maybe I should have opted to be something else...and not be stuck in the dead end that teaching is for anyone wanting to be treated with any level of equity or decency...

Because for the life of me, today...

I can't figure why anyone does public service...

...for such a perpetually ungrateful public...that persistently take them for granted...

For the love of it?...

Bah humbug...

Love,
Ben

I learned an important lesson, today:):)...

I had a really great, but tense, experience, today...

We had an I.E.P. meeting on a student, today...and I got really upset with how a counselor -- who I actually really trust...in fact, I trust her more than I do most people in the building -- made what seemed to me to be a comment that indicated an assumption of bad faith on the part of the teachers, involved, and me, in particular...

We had some open confrontation about it in the meeting...she was trying to depersonalize it...I was offended because I felt like I had earned my trust...and I wanted to know why she was framing the issue we were dealing with as an inadequacy on the part of the teachers involved, rather than taking their very straightforward feedback that this kid was acting like a little shit and needed to take responsibility for his behavior, even as teachers are responsible for how they handle his misbehavior...

Now...I have to say...all in all...

Part of the reason I really respect this counselor...is because she's not easily satisfied with how anyone does their job...her challenge was also largely substantive in a way that I very much appreciated...she had ideas for improving the situation and this kid's behavior...she got us focussed on ideas...and she was steering the meeting, generally, in a good direction...to keep this kid in as mainstream a situation as possible so he can learn to function like any other kid in the various situations that life presents...

She cares about these kids more like they were her own...as do I...which is what I respect about her...in addition to the fact that she is real...she's herself...which demonstrates a confidence, to me, that demonstrates that she has reason to believe that she should be confident in herself and her own thinking...things I very much respect...

And so, after venting to a colleague, I took my issue to her...and we hashed it out...fairly honestly (there are other issues that we both know are also going on...I'm attracted to her...and I don't think I've been shy about that, though I've also tried to treat her, with it being the clearly higher priority -- even as I am not-do-subtly coy about my attraction -- like the very competent professional that she is, as well...and we stayed largely focussed on the issues that counted)...

I realized in that conversation...which was really healthy and really great to have it...to have our conflict openly with one another (another reason I trust her...because I know I can do that with her and she's not easily scared/offended by open conflict as some people can be)...

How important it is...if you really want to earn someone's trust...to have those heart to hearts...to be as completely open as possible...

I have some close friends that I clearly have outstanding issues with, because we're not talking, right now...

In all three situations that I'm thinking of...those friends have cut off the communication...they're close friends...and I love them...and care about them...but I can't do a damned thing as long as they won't talk with me...

Part of it is that two groups of them, at least, are angry with me...the other of the three is Brandi, and she's just wanting to leave me behind, I think...as much as that hurts...

Some of the issues are petty...some of the issues are not so petty...but the bottom line is that I've taken responsibility for my mistakes in all the situations as best I can, I think...in one I've expected that one of my better friends take responsibility for his behavior...

But what's missing, I think...after today's confrontation and resolution...

Is the honest no-bullshit conversation...in both situations, I've hinted at the need to have the conversation...for me to apologize face-to-face...and to let my friends do whatever...apologize...not apologize...whatever...

But now we're not talking...any of us...

And none of that is due to me cutting off communication...

One situation involves a charismatic friend...that has become a stand-off...with this friend convinced of his right to bully his way through situations...that he needs a serious ego-check on...

And the other involves a charismatic friend...not being completely fair to me...I don't think I've been completely fair with him, either...but I have written in this blog in a way that better explains my thoughts and feelings...I would welcome the opportunity to do that openly with him...but I've never had the opportunity...and now that opportunity has been shut-off...

There's one level at which I think...

Fuck 'em...they don't want to talk about it...then they weren't good enough friends, in the first place....

Same with Brandi...she has to cut off communication with me to keep her marriage safe...first of all, her marriage is on some pretty shaky fuckin' ground, if that is the case...and second of all...fuck 'er...she wasn't a good enough friend, to start with...

The tough part is that all of these folks are some of my closest friends...or were...

And now...I'm left with two options...

Just not giving much a shit what these losers decide to do with themselves...

And caring that we do whatever it takes to be friends, again...

But being friends with me means having integrity to me, too...

And that, as much as anything else, is what all of these friends have in common...

That they are running away from that kind of integrity...because it makes them feel bad about who they are...

And so...they stopped talking to me...

So they wouldn't have to face how bad they feel about who they are...

Pretty fuckin' lame, if you ask me...

And a test, I suppose, of just how strong I am...as a friend...as a man...as someone who is committed to loving them unconditionally...for real...no bullshit...

Which is a test that I will pass with no exception...

Because that's who I am...a man who is committed to loving people unconditionally...for real...no bullshit...no matter what...

But each of them has treated me pretty shitty, in the meantime...and I think I'm owed something of an apology for that, too...

Even though...I also just want to have the honest conversations...the no bullshit conversations...to make our relationships whole...

A friend at work said, once, that some people...a lot of people, I think...all of us, really...

Have to learn some lessons the hard way...and there's no telling someone to do or think differently...until they've dealt with the harsher realities...

That's definitely been true in my life...and I'm sure in everyone's life...though many of the harsher realities were far harsher than was necessary or helpful or even in my interests, at all...

And I'm pretty convinced...at some level...that that is what my friends have to go through, at some point...

I hate it...I hate that people can't just ante up...and take responsibility...and be decent people to you...especially when you've invested as much in them as I have invested in these people...

But often they won't...I've done it, too...so I understand...

But it hurts...when you lose touch with them because of it...

It especially hurt with Ms. Fisher...who promised she wouldn't end our friendship...and who, for all practical purposes, has...even though she promised she wouldn't...I'm learning not to trust Ms. Fisher's promises...or at least the hard ones to keep...but those are the most important ones to keep, now aren't they?...

I think having the honest conversations that we need to have would be helpful...after having the conversation I had, today, with our school counselor...

And it hurts me a lot, really...that my friends would rather just give up the friendship...rather than have the tough, honest conversations...that would just make us stronger for having them...no matter what...no matter what we have to work through, in the context of unconditional love...at least, unconditional love on my part, at least...even if it's not reciprocated...as long as I'm not hurt beyond emotional hurt, in the process...or as long as I get to hit back until I've beat some serious ass that leaves no question of what consequences follow a physical fight with me, in the case of physical hurt...though, who knows...I might even take a few hits...

I just want to bring my friends in from the cold...
and come in from the cold, myself...

And give us all more heat, for the winter, as a consequence...

Today's conversation reminded me of how important that is to do...

There are just unspoken truths that animate our lives, I think...unspoken realities that live inside of us...and that we just don't share, very well...not well enough, at least...

How much we love a person...how much we're angry with someone...how much we envy someone...how much we respect them...how much we need them in our lives...how much we miss them...how much we're sad when they're gone...how much we hate them...how much we're scared of them...

How much we wish that they would just learn to read our hearts and minds...so that we don't have to have the tough conversations...

Which are really where the most important courage in life is at, isn't it?...

In the tough conversations...

I've never had anyone teach me how to have those conversations...

I suspect the same is true of my friends...

But somehow...we've got to learn how to have those conversations, together...

Because this not talking with one another because we're too chickenshit to be grown-ups and be honest with each other...is for the fuckin' birds...who needs it...

I'm tired of all the rough edges around life...

I'm tired of not being able to trust people...as much as should be able to...because I know...deep in my heart...that I can...and they know...deep in their hearts...that they can trust me, too...

I want that kind of trust...that kind of love...in my life...I want those hard edges smoothed by friendships that leave me feeling safe in this world...safe more for real...and not just based on faith...

I want the rough edges...the mistrust...the defenses...the walls...

The fear...

I want that fear to go away...

Slowly...honestly...for real...with real trust...and not just faith...

I want real friendship...real intimacy...with all my friends...not the naked-in-bed fucking kind of intimacy, obviously...I mean, closeness...friends who are tight you could never unravel them...friends that would do a hell of a lot more than just take a bullet for you...friends who take the edge off...

Not just because the stronger friends look after the friends gaining strength...

But because all of them aspire to be stronger...so that they're strength is reinforced by everyone...not dissipated because some sap strength...rather than developing it...and sharing it with everyone else...

I want friendships where everyone is strong...for real...and sharing it with everyone else...

Because my strength...like all of our strength...is limited...

And I need everyones' strength I can help nurture...and develop...and lead with...as equals...

To make us all a stronger team...

Hope your week is going well...

Love,
Ben

Safety...

I'm watching Eternal Sunshine for like the ten-billionth time...Melissa got it for Christmas...so it's not like we have to return it, anywhere...and the scenes of intimacy that Joel is trying to hold onto are just so precious and touching...

It's both strange and appropriate that I should be so love-longing on Martin Luther King day...it was something I was so proud of in Brandi's and my relationship...that we were both so eager to do good...especially around race and poverty...King's biggest issues...

I don't think I've ever met someone who was so eager to do good...on race or poverty or any issue, really...since Brandi...

I always said, when we were together...that it was something that we created together...that didn't exist independent of each of us alone...it was an idealism nurtured in our love and our friendship...

And I've never quite seen anything like it, since...anywhere...

It's this priceless moment in time...that's more valuable to me than anything else I might do or have...

What I love about these scenes in Eternal Sunshine...and the whole movie, really...

Is the feeling of safety that these two feel with one another...in a world that otherwise seems kind of cold and scary...

Other than the feeling I had as a kid with my mom...I've only had that feeling two times, before, in my life...that feeling of such total love...with Jenny...my first real love...

And then the second time...

I've only felt it once in the context of growing up and surviving in the big, bad city...in Washington, D.C...I don't think I need to say her name, anymore...

I feel more confident and self-assured and safe, of my own accord, these days...

But I miss that sense of vulnerability...and the sense of safety in the presence of someone who loves me in that way...

I miss it...

I miss having someone inspire me to new heights like that...pornography often doesn't even do much for me, these days...I miss that kind of unconditional love so much...

I've been practicing being more resigned, these days...

More resigned that Brandi and I will never be friends, again...more resigned that people close to me will expect less of themselves...or that I won't find someone to be close with who dares to expect more of themselves...

Maybe...I say to myself...maybe if I don't try so hard...others will try, more, with me...

I don't mean to intimidate people, if I do...I just care about this stuff that much...

But I am a little tired being treated like a pariah by some folks when I just want to have my own mind...and I don't want to be reigned in by folks who haven't earned my trust or respect enough to venture something so arrogant...

But it is lonely...trying to do good...in a world where so many people my age and older or so cynical about whether good can be done...and about the good being done...

Half the beauty of my relationship with Brandi...was having someone to be that vulnerable with...in the big, bad world...and to dream of a better world...and to work, together, and think, together, and talk, together, about how to make that happen...

There's a lot of truth in the line in Good Will Hunting...where Robin Williams is talking with Will and he's saying, "Who do you share your soul with?"...or something to that effect...

And Will (Matt Damon) is listing off names of authors like Nietzsche and John Stuart Mill...

And Robin Williams is like, "But none of those people are alive, Will"...

And that's how I feel much of the time...

The people I commune with are Joseph Nye...and Martha Crenshaw (the really brilliant terrorism expert I've been reading)...and Amartya Sen...and Abraham Maslow...

But they're in books...they're all alive (except for Abraham)...but Robin Williams' point was that they weren't flesh and blood...they were in books...

And I miss communing with someone flesh and blood...

It's what I love about movies...the ability to watch people commune in flesh and blood...in something like real life...

You just can't find that in books, often...at least not in non-fiction of the kind I like to read...To Kill a Mockingbird and Billy Budd had that effect for me...but the movies also brought to life what I read in the book in a way that the book could never completely do on its own...

Kirsten Dunst's character in the movie quotes Alexander Pope...it's the quotation that is the basis for the title of the movie...

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"...

So I'm practicing resignation...

"This is it," Clementine says, referring to the memory of the day Joel and Clementine first met...as it's being erased...

"I know," says Joel...

"What do we do?" says Clementine...

"Enjoy it."

It's brilliant how director, Michael Gondry, and writer, Charlie Kaufman, set all these scenes in extreme weather...

To bring to life just how safe Joel and Clementine feel in each other's presence...

Like nothing can hurt them...

I want that feeling again...

Not once do Clementine or Joel mention how much money either of them make...or will make...or any of the million stupid distorted priorities that so many older folks have, having lost touch with that kind of love and idealism...

Martin Luther King day is the appropriate day for me to long for that...

Because it was our mutual idealism that made Brandi's and my relationship so special...

And makes me miss it so much...knowing that it is only this kind of shared idealism...that I will ever call love in the future...

I remember walking and driving and talking and fighting and loving on the streets of Washington, D.C., the same way these two love one another in the streets of New York...

There's no price you can put on that...

That feeling of safety...

Why people settle for anything less...I'll never know...

Everybody's gotta learn sometime...everybody's gotta learn sometime...everybody's gotta learn sometime...

Have a great Martin Luther King holiday, everyone...

Love,
Ben