Our fundamental natures (and the honest and scary fact of our humanity)...

I'm grading papers today...I think I'm going to have to skip the Superbowl party I was invited to in Wichita with a 3 hour drive putting me back in Lawrence around midnight and me having to go in early on Monday to finish an I.E.P. that I was unable to finish Friday night because of technical difficulties and and some other problems...

Melissa and I rented six great movies, this weekend...two -- Happy Endings and Forty Shades of Blue -- were terrible...

Nobody Knows...a Japanese movie by director Kore-eda Hirokazu and true story of four children abandoned by their mother with an eldest young teenage son trying to raise his brothers and sisters with no money and no real connections to the outside world (the mother discourages them from going to school and the only people who even seem to know they exist are a landlady and her husband and a girl who befriends the eldest son)...

Sexo por Compassion...written and directed by Mexican director Laura Mana...a story of a married woman in a small, rural Mexican town abandoned by her husband who makes love to the men of the town to bring color back into their bleak lives...a really terrific exploration of the virgin/whore dichotomies of more traditional, chauvinist Mexican culture...

And Saving Face...written and directed by Alice Wu...an exploration of contempory Chinese-American life embedded in the more traditional Chinese community of Flushing, New York...a gay love story of a girl finding her own way amidst the pressures of traditional Chinese society to find a way more to the liking of her elders...

The Beat My Heart Skipped is a French film starring Romain Duris that tells the story of a French real estate businessman and thug learning to play concert piano and falling in love with his partner's girlfriend, slowing discovering a better life for himself outside of the ugly and heartless world of big money thuggery that he inhabits...

Four really beautiful films about people whose lives don't conform to traditional scripts of how they should...in four different cultures which, like our own, put often overwhelming pressures on them to do so (to see how cold and uncaring those pressures can be, I would definitely check out Nobody Knows, a really beautiful movie about survival against incredible odds, on the one hand, and The Beat My Heart Skipped about the pressures on a thug to remain a thug, even as he searches for something better)...

I've been spending time, this weekend...coming to terms with just how self-centered most people are...how most pressures have nothing, at all, to do with being good or moral or doing the right thing...

And have everything to do with everyone trying to look good (or what they think will mean looking good) for everyone else...and to provide some cover...for just how self-centered they really are...

Everyone...

Politicians...parents...teachers...professors...
journalists...businesspeople...lawyers...soldiers...

Everyone...

It's so fucked up, too...

Because it's so obviously counterproductive and bullshit to actually being good people...

In order to have people conform to my idea of how they should be...

I'll just pretend that they aren't who they are...that they aren't in the circumstances they're in...that I Know -- with a capital K -- how others are supposed to be...and they're input is just not that important...

And I'll just apply enough pressure...socially...personally...financially...
politically...legally...

To get what I want...which is what my life is all about, anyway...

And all the while...my thinking about the matter can be just as stupid and self-centered as I want it to be...as long as I can apply means of pressure to get what I want...

And the irony is...

That noone respects me as long as I conduct myself like this...

Yeah...we are one big fucked-up family, aren't we?...

The human race, that is...

We're all far lesser human beings than we pretend or think ourselves to be...

And meanwhile...we make so few efforts to really be better...

Because there are just so many pressures...to be worse...

What is wrong with us?...that we can't learn to treat each other decently...with respect for one another's autonomy and freedom...that we constantly bullshit ourselves into thinking that we are better than we really are...that the freedom to be ourselves really is the same thing as being pressured and pressuring others to be who we want them to be...

All I know...is that I don't want to be around people who treat me like that...especially the recalicrant assholes who, like the Godfather or the Emperor in Return of the Jedi or Joseph Stalin or Adolph Hitler or Saddam Hussein or Kim Jong Il, are constantly driven to hurt others enough to get their way...

If you try to control me...pressure me...or otherwise force me to be something that I'm not...

I don't respect you...or like you...or think anything of you...except that you're a shithead...

And then I just want to be out of your presence...

I won't follow your example...and one day you'll die...and I'll thank goodness that I have one less
shithead in my life...

Until you can learn to be a decent human being...

The better a person you are, the more you respect others' freedom and autonomy...because, as a person of strong character and conscience, you understand that free will is critical to the development of a strong conscience...

And everyone else...which is most people...have weak consciences...and character structure...with little respect for conscience...which is why they pressure for what they want, so goddamn much...because they have so little interest in being really good people...

Lord Acton's aphorism is so true...but it's not just politics where power corrupts...

It's schools...and families...and communities...and businesses...and in the financial world, generally (especially the financial world, actually)...in the military...

And it means never having to say you're sorry...for fear that taking responsibility is the same as weakness...because taking responsibility is for pussies...real men...tough women...make things happen...by by putting their foot down...on whomever's neck needs to be stood on to get what they want...

It's kind of creative excuse for being a controlling prick, isn't it?...

And it happens everywhere...

And, right now...there's just a great big bandwagon of people eating it up as a means of making the world better, supposedly...

But really..it's about trying to feel better...about what controlling pricks we all can be...

I do wonder, sometimes...if we'll break the cycle...

If we'll ever learn to treat each other as we want to be treated...do unto others, and all that..

Or if we're forever condemned to this futile, fruitless, counterproductive, and disrespectful cycle of fantasizing that if we can just apply enough pressure, punish enough, hurt people enough, fuck them over enough, force their hand enough...

If we just make people do what we want them to do...

Then the world will finally be the kind of place where we want to live...

We are so fucked up...

Humanity, that is...

And the big question...is whether it's terminal or not...

Whether we can learn to stop being such dickheads, all of the time...

Or whether we're condemned to be such assholes...

And thus hardly worthy of our children's trust, each successive generation...

Because...realistically...those are our choices...

Learning our lesson...learning to be better human beings...and respecting our and one another's fundamental nature...our freedom of thought and conscience...

Or forever being unworthy of the trust of each successive generation...

And of the people in our lives...

The more I've learned about the worlds of money and power...the more I distrust both of them...to offer anyone anything...except for money and power...which can be used for ill as much as for good...and with little reason to value for their own sake outside of what good they can actually accomplish, and not just wish for...

And the more I learn about them...the more people's success at navigating them...impresses me less and less...

My father's strongest qualities...are what kind of human being he is outside of money...and the ways that his money can serve those ends...not the money, as an end in itself, as my dad is so fond of touting, these days...

Because the world of money and power just don't impress me, at all, anymore...

The only thing that impresses me...is the wise and fair and decent use of money and power...of the genuine service that money and power can be to our lives...rather than their abuse...which is probably more common, unfortunately...

Which so many...most...people in those worlds...lose track of...so lost are they in chasing money and power for its own sake...as my father seems to be doing, more, these days...

Here's a good question to illustrate the point...who would you rather be?...

Mary Wolstencraft?...or the overwhelming number of less intelligent and thoughtful men of her day who would keep her from voting, nevertheless having more substantial impact on the policies of her day?...

Frederick Douglas?...or his would-be wealthy slave-owners or the many very powerful politicians who fought so hard to maintain a world where men like Douglas were treated with so little real dignity?...

Henry David Thoreau?...or the millions of less independent-minded people who lived lives of quiet desperation that Thoreau so pitied?...

Adam Smith?...or one of the many wealthy, politically-connected, mercantilist class of his day and even more independent businessmen whose avarice Smith was so suspicious of, even as he believed that its free exercise was better accomodated to the needs of people than the self-righteous legal declarations of governing classes of his day?

John Stuart Mill?...or the thousands of emerging greed and power-driven capitalists and slave-owners and members of parliament regularly infringing on the very freedoms that Mill celebrated, rightly, as central to human nature and human progress?...

John Dewey?...or the emerging monopolists or the less thoughtful or profound democratic leaders of his day, with, generally, far less concern for the lives of average people and the poor and the pragmatic aspirations of a growing and diverse modern society?...

Abraham Maslow?...or the millions of men and women of more petty and small-minded values Maslow contrasted with the purposeful and meaning-driven values of higher-minded leaders of public thought and action?...

Would you rather help to more thoughtfully enlighten the world?...or more mindlessly follow its less enlightened ways?...

Ideally...by my lights...we would do both...enlightening the world...and accepting and embracing its less enlightened ways...

What all these people have in common...is that while the world operated under whatever the conventional logic of their days were...right or wrong...good or bad...more or less decent and humane...

These people were critiquing that logic...to help us rethink how we might live better lives...shaping the deepest currents of history...with that rethinking...

What I think is the strongest rethinking for this generation of new ideas and living...is the need to both become better, more thoughtful, and more enlightened people...by embracing our baser and more smaller-minded selves...

To integrate our B-values -- as Maslow describes them...our higher, more enlightened, more confident values -- with our D-values -- or our lower, more base, more insecure values...

To become better people...by openly acknowledging and embracing our baser selves...

We can all aspire for the better examples of our past and our present...and we are all better for aspiring more thoughtfully...rather than giving in to our baser reactions to the world...even as we thoughtfully accept and embrace those reactions...

The scary part about humanity...is that...ultimately...our fundamental nature...our progress...lies, as John Stuart Mill powerfully argued...in our freedom...

And our improvement...our betterment...must be freely chosen...whether we like it or not...

All of the most consequential areas where the baser elements of our humanity stand in the way of our higher purposes...

They must be embraced...and we must choose higher callings...for our highest purposes to be realized...

For us to be worthy of our ideals...we need to work, fundamentally, at actualizing those ideals...a respect for a free conscience being the most fundamental of those ideals...rather giving into the lower instict of bullying one another, self-righteously, into submission to our more reactive, less thoughtful whims...

The law and policies can enlighten our consciences...but only by their ideals...and not (and certainly not primarily) by their use of force...

And the law and force can also undermine our consciences...Dred Scott undermined the higher calling of freeing slaves with the lower calling of enforcing slave contracts and recapture laws...Nazi Germany passed laws that required Germans to turn in Jews not reporting to the ghettos and engaging in Jewish Resistance movements...

The law, like science, is the ax in the hands of the ax murderer, Albert Einstein said...

The law...policy...rules...can be used to inspire more enlightened thinking about difficult issues of our time...anti-slavery laws within the British Empire long before the outlawing of slavery in democratic America, for instance...

But they can also be used to enforce our uglier and more self-centered whims...the legal segregation of blacks and whites in the South and elsewhere, for instance...or rules prohibiting women and African Americans from voting...or rules against the Irish from being employed with certain businesses...or policies forcing Native Americans to live separately from other Americans on reservations...

Einstein's point about science...was that it was easy to romanticize science...to see it as more than a tool to be used by the better or worse judgments of human beings...

The ax is a form of technology used by the ax murderer to kill his/her victims...or to chop wood and other needs it might fulfill...not good, in and of itself...but good based on its purposes...

And the law and policies and rules work similarly...they are tools...that can be used to enlighten and inspire the world in better directions...

Or they can be clubs...to beat people into submission...to Imperialism...Nazism...Communism...
Facism...Socialism...mercantilism...and even more protected and subsidized capitalism...

Or liberalism...or conservativism...

Those laws and policies and rules are being romanticized, right now...with fantasies of them being synonymous with justice and fairness...which they are most clearly not, to anyone with any kind of serious, thoughtful study of law and policy...

The romanticism of laws and rules and policies...is far more dangerous than the romanticism of science...

Because the romanticism of law and rules and policies...is the romanticism of tools to infringe on freedom...which naturally leads to serious and important encroachments on freedom...

Democratic and republican power arrangements can only, at best, check power...

But the only way for power not to be abused...is for free individuals to develop a commitment to using it, only, for high-minded purposes...to not abuse it...

And that is the honest and scary fact of human nature...

That unless people with power...or money...or the use of force, military or otherwise...or any similar tool...which is all people, at some level...choose, freely, not to abuse power...and to only use it for high-minded purposes...it can and will, perpetually, be abused by those who have it...

And the hope of humanity...is found in our free will...and our capacity...and our more fundamental natures more suited to...a world where we choose not to abuse our power...to use all forms of power...hard and soft...for the most high-minded purposes...for the benefit of humanity, ourselves and others, equitably...for each person's benefit...and not for the benefit of some at the expense of others...

The hope for humanity is found, only, in our highest ideals...our aspiring...and our actualizing them in our lives...

Our cynicism is not an alternative...it is a baser instinct to be embraced...and transcended...

I've got to get some sleep...I have a long day, tomorrow:):)...

I should probably check to see how the Steelers and Seahawks are doing...

Have a good day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

The letter of the law...and the spirit of the law...

I have a teacher I'm working with, right now, who, more clearly than anyone I've ever met, reflects the important distinction between someone who lives by the spirit of the law...and someone who -- tediously -- lives by the letter of the law...

The teacher I'm referring to is the special education teacher who is mentoring me, currently, around matters of paperwork and school bureaucracy...

She's getting better...a lot better, some days, when I think about it...

But the major difference between our outlooks...on life, nevertheless on teaching...

Is that this teacher lives her life, often, by the letter of the law...no matter how ridiculous and horribly out of touch with the lives of the kids she teaches...

And I live my life...and I do serve my kids...by the spirit of the law...knowing that the law is far too crude an instrument to understand or serve the interests of anyone, nevertheless of a learning, growing, and developing child...

This teacher is convinced that if she just has the right IEP/legal leverage...if she just gives the right command...if she just finds the right punishment...if she just asserts control in the just the right way...that she will, somehow, shape up kids that have never been shaped up by this approach, even though it is, by far, the dominant approach to dealing with kids, their educations, and in their interactions with adults in a school building...

The irony is that she is kind of a push-over, really...and she has had some of the lowest expectations for kids in the building...she's gotten better...but, for a while...the entire time while I was first teaching at Eisenhower...there was no worry...no fear...no insecurity...no boogey man lurking around the corner...that she did not warn everyone was following her and her efforts every day I worked with her...

This teacher operates the way she does (and she's recently changed from a policy of wimpy low expectations to a policy of tough low expectations:):):)...out of fear, primarily, I think...

And...other than my advisor...who I swear is this teacher's mentor-in-waiting...so alike are these two...

Her whole orientation is survival in the educational bureaucracy...with fear and insecurity driving much of that survival...very much, in fact, like her university counterpart in my graduate advisor...

This teacher is getting better...and I feel much better, today, than I did in grad school, leading people with more age and experience than me...who just have all the wrong priorities operating in their lives and in the lives of the students they serve...

But she has been the best evidence, for me, of why I am not someone who lives my life by the letter of the law...afraid of some ax swinging my way...rather than with purpose...and by the letter of the law...caring more about kids than about laws...

Every chance that she gets to use an IEP (which is a legal document) as a billy club, she uses it...and I think it's been a long time before Linda has really thought about whether it really serves the kids or not...

She's getting better...I think we've persuaded her, for instance, to just ignore an IEP requirement of "negotiation" with one kid we have who manipulates kids and adults as a regular course of life...with whom negotiation would not only not serve him, but would feed every impulse that brings him our direction in the first place...

It took some doing...but she is developing a sense of humor about the whole thing...

Which is good...because the last thing I wanted to do as a teacher...was relive my experiences as a student with my graduate advisor...

Seeing this teacher...what I can now see...is that my advisor was, really, for all his huff and puff...kind of spineless, much of the time...he was kind of a weasel, often...just trying to keep his tenured full professorship at a prestigious university and graduate program...

So incredibly sad, I think...not just what a distortion that kind of thing is of everything that universities should stand for...

But so incredibly sad for the people who live that life...

For my graduate advisor...and for this teacher...

My Ph.D. advisor, especially...who worked 7 days a week at that job...

All just to keep a shitty and not-terribly well-paying job...

So sad, to me...

Anyway...

When I meet people like this...no matter how much I want to help someone like my graduate advisor and this teacher to learn to have some backbone...and have some sense of self-respect...

I realize just how much I appreciate being me...no matter happens in my life...

And the more I encounter people...who I don't always understand...nor need or want to earn respect from, necessarily...

The more I'm proud to live a life that I'm proud of...regardless of what others think...

Though...if my academic peers don't take up my scholarly ideas (my teaching colleagues are taking up many of my ideas...but they aren't terribly intellectually astute or honest about the whole thing...which is kind of tedious, sometimes...though, at least it serves the kids better, I think)...I think I'll just give them up...give up the jig...and do something else...

A life lived by the letter of the law...rather than the spirit of the law...

Is a life of cowardice...and fear...and a loss of a sense of purpose, I think...

It's been a long time since this teacher did this job for the kids, first and foremost, I'm afraid...which is sad...for this teacher, most of all (though, as I said, she's getting better)...

I'm proud not to live a life by the letter of the law...which seems like a pretty bleak and purposeless life, really...

I'll be and am inspired if and when either I:

1) discover or come across ideas that persuade me or inspire me as much as the ones I work on, including least possible neccessary aggression, or...

2) my ideas are thought useful by practioners and/or scholars in the fields that they touch...

If not...I'll wait for someone else to develop ideas or otherwise inspire me in a direction that either persuades me that I'm wrong...or builds on my ideas...or others' ideas in ways that are as compelling to me as these are ideas are to me, right now...

Sometimes I wonder if I would have become a teacher... or even a policy thinker...if I had known just how little people really care about the work...how little teachers care about their work and kids, sometimes, as surprising at it sounds...at least by my standards...and how little policy and political folks care about taking responsibility for good policy, rather than getting access to power, exercising it, and deflecting responsibility for anything that goes wrong...and that goes for politicians, journalists, activists, and even too many policy thinkers, unfortunately...

But I also don't know what I would do where people would care more about doing a good job...

All I know...is that if this job is all that this particular teacher and too many teachers in this building have been acting like it means...and too many teachers and folks that I've encountered in the last 3 years or so...

It wouldn't mean much, at all, frankly...

In fact, it would mean so little...that I can hardly imagine staying in the job...unless I was just too afraid to go get new one that might be something to take seriously...

I've got an IEP to finish before I make it home, tonight:):)...

I hope everyone's having a great Friday night:):)...

Love,
Ben

You ever inherit a piece of wisdom that totally changes your perspective?:):)...

I had a great day, today, again...despite some issues with some kids...

And the best thing about today...was having reinforced for me the same bit of wisdom that Katherine had to share the other day...

We had a meeting about our behavior system...it's called B.I.S.T. (Behavior Intervention Support Team)...

B.I.S.T. -- Behavior Intervention Support Team

And Marty...our B.I.S.T. coordinator...reinforced the same lesson that Katherine had to share...

We want kids to grow up...because they're so fuckin' annoying, frankly, often, as long as they're not grown up...as long as they're acting childish...as long as they're acting like kids...and some kids acting far worse than others...

And I feel this frustration all the time...with kids...with adults...with everyone...

But Marty's wisdom about kids is the same as Katherine's...

We have such high expectations for kids...that it is heartbreaking...and disappointing...and often they can be hurtful with us...as long as they are not meeting our higher/highest expectations...

We want them to grow up today...

But they can't...

And sometimes...that's really disappointing...

And some of us hold onto that disappointment...

And some of us let it go...

And letting it go definitely is better for us...and is a more realistic way to deal with children...and with life...

Sometimes we want people...kids and adults...to grow up...to deal with life more responsibly...to be more constructive...to deal with the tough stuff...without whining...or making excuses...

And sometimes they don't...and sometimes that's frustrating...and sometimes that's destructive and hurtful to us and others around them...

And that is most people...not the minority...

I want that from some old friends...Tom...Brandi...Jas...

But the peace I've made with it...is that people do grow up...they often just don't do it as fast as we might like...

Me too...

I realized, today, talking with another teacher...that if I met a woman like me...which I haven't...but if I did...I would tell her to give up the idea of trying to make people happy all the time...I'd be really impressed with her, frankly...and if I met a girl like me, I'd think I'd fall in love very quickly...and I want someone who can support me in the same way...

I don't want to whine, any more, about my life or things that aren't totally fair...or things that are less than ideal...

And really appreciate the life I have...being critical is not only fine, it's the only responsible thing to do...but whining wastes precious life...that I want to appreciate and enjoy...

I want a girl as strong as me...and Brandi -- at least the girl I knew the last time I heard from her, and as great as she was and hopefully is -- is not that girl...it's not that she couldn't be that girl...it's that I definitely want someone stronger, smarter, more open-minded, more genuinely and unconditionally loving and loyal...I want someone I can count on...and I'm sure she's out there, somewhere...

And I want to enjoy more of my life...as I am now...and be wrapped up in what I don't like or want much less...

And the wisdom of the past two days had opened up my horizons on that note in a serious way:):)...thanks to Katherine and Marty for reinforcing that for me:):)...

I've got to get something to eat so I can finish some school work:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone...

Go Seahawks...

Love,
Ben

Thinking about what the future might look like...

I'm still finishing up an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan), tonight:):)...

And I had a thought about the future...about what progress might look like for my children's generation...

I've thought about it, a lot...wondering what's over the horizon...as some of the issues of my generation start getting some resolution...

And one of them...that has impact on me...

Is the idea of more inclusive wealth...

Meaning...perhaps...as I become an old man...

Perhaps wealth will begin to wither as an exclusive concept of humanity...and be something that is more genuinely shared...

And that people like me...can freely choose to give up wealth...because they just realize that there's such a thing as too much...or enough...

I'm sure I'll face that day in my own lifetime, I suppose...

But I also wonder if maybe young people won't have to go through the awful legacy of young poverty that we impose on young people getting started in the world...if maybe we will begin, by the time my children are coming up, have a world where debt is a matter easily resolved, rather than prolonged, unecessarily, by efforts to punish and otherwise take advantage of people's difficult financial situations...

I have to think that we can learn the lesson...and create a more genuinely dynamic economy...where financial failure or difficulties can be more easily resolved so that people are active participants in the economy in more substantial ways -- investing and saving and making better choices because of their active engagement in such activities -- rather than the pretty fruitless and pointless hardship that we put people through in such situations...

For that to happen, there would need to be a much more proactive commitment to wealth inequity...which is why I want wealth inequities to get resolved within the market, since free and active efforts have much more potential to not only resolve matters of health care and wellness, child care, vacation and rest, wages and benefits, and other matters of need associated with poverty...

But also to much more substantially address issues of investment, saving, and other efforts that would create a much more active investment in a dynamic economy that would lead more and more people to identify with a dynamic economy and to avoid undermining it out of their outrage with greed and decisions made around profit-margins that impact other areas like the environment and social issues that they care about...

It's a pretty obvious virtuous circle to me, if people would pick up on and support its possibility...including poor, middle class, and rich people, many of whom don't always show the strongest inclinations towards wiser investment and savings...

Better education is key to and underlines all such efforts...since better and more substantial commitments to education help create bigger and longer worldviews that encourage more long-range thinking associated with both taking education and all of the opportunities -- like investment -- more seroiusly...and with making wiser investments and engaging in more forward-looking savings, in the first place...

But what a great world that would be...

If we could get kids and adults in schools on the same page, better, around matters of education...so that they are more likely to support such virtuous circles:):):)...and deserve the trust involved with such an effort...

Just thinking:):):)...while I finish this I.E.P.:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard in my life...

If you haven't heard Dar Williams' February...

It is one of the songs in your life that you should listen to, at least once...

To get an idea of what beauty sounds like...

There are very few songs that touch me like this song does...

The Crash Test Dummies' Superman Song...U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (the Rattle and Hum album's live version)...The Indigo Girls' Closer to Fine...Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World (the 1970 live version)...Sinead O'Connor's You Do Something To Me off of Red, Hot, and Blue...and Annie Lennox's Every Time We Say Goodbye, off the same album...Clint Black's Something That We Do...The Dixie Chicks' Top of the World...Rascal Flats' These Days...Diamond Rio's Beautiful Mess...Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend...

...and a million others...

But Dar Williams' February lives in a special part of my heart...

It captures, better than any song I've ever heard, the tragedy of true love lost...

It takes me back to Kansas City, 2001, when Brandi and I were living together...and falling apart...

"And February lasted into March...and found us walking a path...alone together...

You stopped and pointed...and you said, 'That's a crocus'...and I said, 'What's a crocus'...and you said 'It's a flower'...I tried to remember, but I said, 'What's a flower?'...

You said, 'I still love you'..."

It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard in my entire life...

And I thank Dar Williams from the bottom of my heart...for creating and singing such an gorgeous piece of music...

I'm going to be listening to it all night...

Have a good night, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

An amazing day:):)...

These kids love me...

And I love them...

And today went great...

And thanks to Katherine for giving me the perspective to have a day like today:):)...

Love,
Ben

Being too hard on the kids...

I'm working the after school program, tonight...we're listening to some U2 (they're choice:):)...and doing some classwork...I have an I.E.P. to work on...but I wanted to take some time to write about an important idea I took in over the last day or so...

I had this really great discussion with our technology coordinator about the kind of practice assessments to do with my first and second hour special education resource room math class...

I was wanting them to be able to do both a modified assessment that is geared more towards their level of performance, currently...and do a regular assessment...so they get a sense of how they match up with their peers...

It was a great discussion...about remembering that while we want to have high standards for kids...

That these are still kids...

And there are plenty of places in my life where life is too hard for me as a pretty confident adult...

Finances constantly overwhelm me, being in debt...and depress me, since the expectations of creditors constantly outpace my abilities to do what they want me to do...they want me to pay money that I just don't have...I'm in totally good faith...and want to pay off all of my debt...but I can't do it...and they're constantly trying to pressure me to make commitments that I know I can't keep...and that will just end up being interpreted as a lie or as rebellion or whatever by cynical credit folks, later on...

The financial world is so fucked up, I swear:):)...

Anyway...this conversation was about remembering that these kids are all 11, 12, 13, 14 years old...they're kids...thinking that I take for granted at 32...they've never likely even imagined, nevertheless considered seriously...

And it really isn't fair to hold them accountable for thoughts that are difficult enough for me, a pretty thoroughly educated and ambitious 32-year-old...nevertheless a 11 or 12-year-old...

It's hard to balance that with a recognition that I'm the adult and the one to be trusted, more often than not, to know what is best for a kid...

Especially when...many times...I have no clue...

I wish I did...I try my best...I know a lot...I get to know kids...I have a fair amount of experience, at this point...I listen to others with more experience all of the time...I read a lot...I talk with adults and kids, a lot, about what kids might be thinking...I keep up with pop culture circles...I enjoy a lot of the same music and movies and just normal stuff of life that many kids enjoy...I know more about that stuff than your average 6th grader, nevertheless your average 32-year-old...and I keep my ears to the ground...

I'm far from naive about the average 6th grader's life, though I'm in the dark about a lot of things, too, as most adults are...which constantly concerns me...and which, at some level, is why I have to trust kids that they will aspire big and be responsible for their own lives...because I know that no matter how informed I am, there will always things that I will be left out of the loop on...

Most 32-year-olds, nevertheless most kids, don't keep as open or honest or public a journal as I do...so there is so much of everyone's life, nevertheless young people, that we don't get to see...and every little bit we get to know is more information to be of some help for a young person or young people, generally...

So I will never really know how much a kid fears me...or is afraid of adults or teacher or whatever, generally...how much they are angry with me or at the world...how much they like me or admire me or anyone in their lives...or are afraid or angry or hate other kids or adults in their lives...

There's so much that I will never know...unless they trust me enough to be share their lives with me...and even then...if they're anything like me...or anyone...there's still things that they will hold back...

Today I was realizing...again...that perhaps I am too hard on kids...and adult friends and colleagues in my life, as well...even as I want them to get better...

I know I was too hard on Brandi when we were together...it's one of my biggest regrets...she was hard on me, too...and probably harder on me, in the big picture...but I was really hard on her, too, when we were together...something that I've spent a lot of time taking responsibility for with her since we've been apart...

And I know I was hard on Jas...though Jas was far harder on me...so I feel far less guilty about that situation...I suspect, sometimes, that he doesn't know why he pissed me off so bad...and he's just too afraid to ask...and other times, I think he knows...but he's just playing the games of a bullshitter...trying to weasel his way out...it's hard to know, sometimes...all I know is that I couldn't have him keep treating me the way that he was...and that he works/worked hardly at all at that friendship, relative to me...and I was getting fed up with the whole situation...

And I know for damned sure that Tom was far harder on me than I was on him...and he was a teacher...and in a position of more responsibility...I understand why Tom was hard on me...I just also know that he was wrong on so many of the bigger issues, it's hard to count them all...and that his being hard was so incredibly counterproductive, much of the time...and had much to do with Brandi and I succumbing to the pressures of grad school, many of which came from Tom's direction...and that I had already recovered from some pretty serious burnout that Brandi watched unravel...which basically involved me unraveling...and that no matter how much I told Tom it was too much, he could never let up...his ego and his intellectual conceit had him convinced that he was responsible for all of my accomplishments...though he was more than happy to let me be responsible for all the problems I faced...

And, in the end...I think he convinced himself and others that I just couldn't hack it...

A misjudgment that he will regret, at some point, I think...if he lives long enough to see my career bloom...though I've promised myself to make that as easy a process for Tom to go through as is absolutely possible, on my part...

Tom did a lot of good for me...he basically paid for my grad school, with grant monies...he taught me a lot...and he gave me some though not enough of a free hand, as a student...he shared his passion for the field with me...though I doubt he's ever known passion like mine...nor as deep or as meaningful of thought...and he was loyal in many ways that I appreciate...

But he was also wrong...about a lot...and he just had the damndest time admitting that...which was/is his Achilles heel as a scholar...

The last thing anyone wants in their life...as a scholar...or as a human being...

Is the stupid, ugly, terrible conceit...that they've already got it all figured out:):):)...

It's just damned foolish is what it is...

And it doesn't allow or create the opportunities for life that genuine humility allows for or creates...

And it is all too human and all too common among academics as well as far too many average folks:):)...

And it was/is an Achilles heel for Tom...that I was not going to repeat...

With the same results...of being a scholar noted in my field...but not the strongest scholar, in the biggest picture...and one who really misses the boat in even my own field...lost in too much ivory tower conceit...and lacking in enough courage to work at resolving problems that remain unresolved...rather than trying to find new and creative ways to avoid responsibility for them...

Which is essentially what post-modernism (as well as much conservativism and liberalism) is...one long excuse for why the post-modernist hasn't done anything to make the world better around those things that they endlessly critique...

I've got an I.E.P. to work on...I hope everyone is having a good night:):):)...

Have I mentioned how much I love the Crash Test Dummies?...The Ghosts that Haunt Me is their best album, I think, if you ever get a chance...it also happens to be my Jenny Burrington break-up album (along with Tracy Chapman's Smoke and Ashes:):):)...

Check it out, when you get a chance:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A bit of wisdom about a sense of idealism...

Some really terrific wisdom from Katherine Shelly (is that right?), today...

SBPBJ at http://katherineshelly.blogspot.com/

She writes...

"My boyfriend is a first-year special ed teacher in an inner city school. I can really relate to what you're saying from his stories. Yes, society does screw us three ways from Sunday and expect us to fix everything they're too lazy or scared to deal with.

Still... teaching isn't just a job. You and I and everyone else who's ever been in a classroom know that. Teaching is love in action. There's a little secret that we need to share with all first year teachers, though. I'm in my ninth year teaching, and I still sometimes have trouble remembering this.

See... thing about teaching is our enthusiasm is cyclical. We start the year with hopes and dreams in the sky, ready to take on every challenge. "Give me the tough, the abandoned, the disenfranchised, angry and mean, and I will not only love them, I will educate them, by God, for I am a Teacher!" By the end of January, we've had our share of pain and disappointment. We have a long time to wait for the next break, and we need to recharge our batteries.

My recommendation: spend a minute or two every day until Spring Break reading an inspirational teaching book, teaching quotes, or just remembering why you're in this godforsaken profession. ;)

Don't leave us... the world needs more brilliant and caring teachers. *hugs* It -does- get better.:):):)"

As she wrote that...

It suddenly occurred to me why this disappointment has been cyclical, as she says, for me, as much as the cycle she's talking about that I'm totally relating to of coming back post-holiday with high expectations only to have them come head-on with the realities and disappointments of kids and other folks having their sights set far too low...

Because...as Katherine says...

"We start the year with hopes and dreams in the sky, ready to take on every challenge. "Give me the tough, the abandoned, the disenfranchised, angry and mean, and I will not only love them, I will educate them, by God, for I am a Teacher!" By the end of January, we've had our share of pain and disappointment."

The larger issue, for me...is that our disappointment and heartache are so strong...because our hopes and dreams are so high-minded...

Meaning...we see where we and our kids...and in my case, at least...though I hope in all of our cases...people, generally...not just in schools...

We see where we could all be aspiring much higher...

How much better life would be for all of us, if we aspired higher...

And what a terrible disappointment we settle for when our aspirations are so low...

That's true of individuals...of individual kids...and even individual teachers...

And it's true of all of us...of humanity...

That when we aspire low...we only get as low as our aspirations take us...

When we aspire higher...

We get more...

But it's so damned disappointing and heartbreaking, in the meantime, while we fall short of higher aspirations...even if they are new expectations whole-cloth...to resolve seemlingly intractable problems...as many of the best ideas aspire to do...

And just as with kids...

We have to learn to ride out the disappointment and heartbreak...as people choose low aspirations...even when higher aspirations would improve life...for all of us...

It's a brilliant insight...

That I've been needing for quite some time, now...

I'm sure some of my friends, Katherine, would say that I've been needing that insight for years...

I'm sure they've gotten tired of me sounding like the sky is falling...

When the truth is...

That the horizon is expanding...

If only we could only see its breadth:):):)...

Thanks so much, Katherine:):):)...

It's a very insightful piece of wisdom:):):)...

And it made a lot of difference for my outlook, today...and, I hope, for some time after today:):)...

Thank you, Katherine...I think you just helped me see why, maybe, so many people lost track of their idealism...because, like me, they get lost in their heartache about the disappointment that the world seems to be compared to their loftier dreams...rather than, as you've help do for me, just get some perspective on those dreams and the world that still needs to live into them...

Hope everyone else appreciates just how important that little piece of wisdom is, too:):)...

I've got to get home, work on an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan), and get some sleep:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why do I feel like such ass, lately?...

I've felt like some serious shit, lately...

I just feel so taken for granted...

I do difficult work...for no money...I can't even pay all my bills...I have a student loan bill that I can't pay, still, at this point...I and every other teacher are expected to take care of every problem in the culture that everyone else is too chicken-shit to deal with, themselves...

And only the smallest percentage of people I've talked with about this seems to take seriously as a problem...

I can't leave teaching...I signed two scholarship deals that require that I remain a special education teacher for 8 years...

So my hand is forced, all around...

And I'm thinking...

If it wasn't forced, I'd want to do a much better job...

But everyone who knows me, personally, can only talk about it in the harshest and most insensitive of terms...

Because they want to retain the right to force my hand or anyone else's hand they want to force...

Because...

No matter how much harder or smarter or whatever I work than most of these same folks...to deal with the same problems...

So now...

My growing attitude...is...

I'm just going to stop working on the same issues so hard...including at my job...the more people force my hand...

I'm going to stop working so hard at being a good son...and a good friend...and a good teacher...and a good policy writer...and a good little activist...

And whatever...

As long as people force my hand...

And I'll only give people the kind of effort and better that I gave them before...

When they get out of my fuckin' face and stop forcing my hand...

And every time someone tries to force my hand...

I'll pull back and do less work...

Every time...

Because I'm tired of working my ass off...

And having people act like they really are working as hard as me...or that they're thinking as hard as me...or that they've earned it as much...

I have a lot of friends and colleagues, right now, who are damned lucky to have my unconditional love and forgiveness...

Because most of the time...

They're not worthy of it...

Except totally as a gift my probably far too generous heart...

At this point...I'm looking to finish my Ph.D. in policy and thinking very seriously about getting out of teaching as soon as possible...I know it's my first year...but I had no clue just how badly my friends and neighbors fucked their public school teachers...

And I have no interest in being fucked any longer than I have to be fucked...

So I'm thinking very seriously about leaving the profession as soon as possible...until the situation can turn around...

And until then...I only do as much work as my hand is not forced to do...

And the more it's forced...the more you get my absolute most minimal effort...

And the more you take me for granted...

The less I'll work on your behalf...

And if I can find a way out of it...

I'll stop working for you, altogether...

Bullies are not friends...they're manipulative shitheads...

And they deserve to dropped like steaming pile of shit that they've become...

I don't know why I've cared as much as I have about my more manipulative friends...

It's pretty fucked up to find out that these are who your friends are supposed to be...

Not any more...

You bully me...

I'll get away from you as quickly as possible, from here on out...

And fuck you in the meantime...

Ben

If life were easy...

...we wouldn't call it strength...we'd call it easy...

It takes strength to be good...

Because...truth be told...it's a hard thing to do...

But we all get better at it...

With the freedom to be better...

So we can develop the strength...to make it so...

Love,
Ben

Belonging...

I'm working late on this I.E.P...on a night where I finally feel like I belong at this school...and on my team...

This feeling...of belonging...it's one of feelings that most of us want to feel, most, I think...so coveted...that people can and do use it to manipulate one another, all the time...when they're able...it's not good for us to do this with one another...but there we go and do it anyway...if we think it will get us what we think we want...which we often do...until the fantasy of that kind of life wears off...and the reality sinks in...

I was thinking, today...after reflecting on that meeting about the student resisting all the people trying to control him, right now...

That losing Brandi...as terribly painful as it was for me...

Was probably good for me...

To have to face my own control issues...

Issues that I will inevitably face with my own children...especially as they grow up...and move beyond my influence...

I handled Brandi's and my breaking up terribly...I was jealous and mean (inadvertantly...I wasn't trying to be mean) and angry and in so much pain I could barely stand it...I was making Brandi feel bad to avoid having her leave me altogether...more out of my pain, than out of any conscious strategy...

And it just pushed her farther away, every time...

And now she's barely even friends, really...more in name, than in reality...

She's not a friend I could call up...or email...or ever really get together with...or hang out with...sometime...when I'm thinking about it...

We're just people who used to be best friends...and who've just had this falling out...that just seems irreconcilable to one of them, right now...for whatever reasons...

I've apologized a million times...about things that she totally deserves apologies for...and I've apologized about things that, in retrospect, I think were foolish to apologize for...things that I think my instincts were right on, the first time...but apologies that I thought would make the peace...

I miss her...

But I think the whole experience has been a necessary learning experience...

Because God knows no book or no lesson preparing for such a situation would or could have ever really prepared me, I don't think...not totally...

It was just this really sad experience that I had to live through...to learn the lesson, I suppose...

But it probably was the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn in my entire life...

And I have no intentions of letting it go to waste...

When I have kids...and they begin to grow up...they're going to need space...and they're going to leave the nest...and I'm going to miss them...

But I need to give them the room to spread their wings...

As Brandi told me, right after we broke up...

She's a caterpillar...growing into a butterfly...and she needs the freedom to spread her wings and fly...

And I wish I would have given her that freedom, better than I did...I did my best...and I went to three therapists at a time, at one point, and read every psychology and relationship book I could get my hands on, to do as good a job as I could to let her go as well as I could...

It does bring you some satisfaction, I think, that when you fuck something up royal...to at least think to myself, "I know I did everything in my power to do that thing better...and there's just not much more that I think that I could have done better in that moment"...

I hope she knows that I did my best...that I did really want what was best for her...even as I was blinded by my own fears and pain and control issues...

Most of us are like this, I think, at some level...we fuck shit up all the time...and we just can't see it, sometimes...but we really do want what is best for one another...generally...

But Brandi did particularly well by me...and I wanted best for her, most of all...

And now, I think...maybe it was good...having to deal with all of that...

So that maybe it will be easier...when my kids leave my nest...

This feeling I have, right now...this feeling of belonging...with my team...and my school...

This was the feeling I had with Brandi...that we could fight...and disagree...and work together...and hurt together...and be all the stronger for it...

I wish I knew why Brandi...and Tom...and Jas...and all my friends feel like they can't reconcile in this kind of way, right now...in a way that makes us all stronger...individually...and together...

But...for whatever reasons...they don't...

When I feel these feelings...these feelings of belongingness...and listen to this music...I'll probably be listening to this Dar Williams live album all night, until I get this stupid I.E.P. done...

I think of Brandi...of especially that summer in 1998...when we were most in love...and the last time that this feeling was strongest...this feeling of belongingness...

I wish she could share it with me, right now...

I've got like 3 serious dating prospects...and several other women in the building interested in dating...

All of them are special in their own way...one of them, in particular, reminds me of Brandi...

She's a math teacher...who brought me calculators, today:):)...

But...truth be told...as pathetic as it is for my life...

None of them are Brandi...

I hope one day I can stop saying that...

I miss you, Fisher...

Love,
Ben

How adults get crazy about children...

We have this crazy situation with a student, right now...

We have this kid who isn't doing work, right now, in class...he's convinced that his teachers hate him...his parents are convinced that the school lacks enough consistent structure with home...the teachers are convinced that the parents are looking for excuses for this kid's behavior...

Am I'm convinced that this is a crazy situation...

Here's my take...

We've got a kid who's not doing work, right now, for whatever reasons...he thinks his teachers hate him...and I do have to say that they tend to ride him without much promise of letting up...though I do think that if they saw him performing better in class they would let up...

The teachers interpret what is going on as defiance...which it is...but it's also a healthy reaction, I think, on the kid's part, to being controlled too much by everyone...parents...teachers...administrators...
everyone...though clearly not healthy enough to get him out of the mess, which would involve taking responsibility for doing the work, doing it, and getting everyone off his back...a pretty tall load for an adult, nevertheless a 6th grader...

But that is the challenge...

I've been working with both the parents and grandparent and the teachers to get off one another's back...and to let this kid succeed or fail on his own...meaning...let him be...give him space to fail...and then him take responsibility for his success...which is the only thing that is going to work, ultimately, no matter how much we work around the margins...

The parents and grandparent are befuddled by the fact that this very educated family has this embarrassing situation of a kid who is not performing, even though the family values education...and they are making tons of excuses...it's a disability...it's the teachers...it's inconsisent structure between the home and the school (which is the oldest excuse in the world for why a parent is failing and looking for everyone else to repeat their mistakes so they don't ever have to look squarely at their failure)...

And this kid...is just kind of blowing everyone off...including me...though we're making some inroads on that route, as well...

The tragedy of the whole thing is that this thing could get very ugly...we have a family with a history of making such things ugly...a due process hearing could get really nuts, if that's where this thing were to go (which it doesn't look like where it is headed, at this point)...and the saving grace, at this point, is that I have a faculty that I'm working with to lead this thing in a better direction...and I'm working with the family to let go of the finger-pointing, some...and to get focussed on Matthew doing amazing with or without the ideal school support...and the most ideal choices on his part...

Here's the bottom-line on this thing, though...

It is not possible to make a kid perform, succeed, and definitely not excell...you can communicate with your conversations with them and with your behavior that you don't trust a kid to work on their own...and that they need to choose to be trustworthy...and they have to have space to fail to make that work...

But so many parents and teachers and others are so afraid of kids failing (which happens all the time, as is) that they'll try to find any excuse around their failure that they think will either avoid the issue...or...they try to find ways, fruitlessly, to force the kid to perform...which is a control issue on the parents' and teachers' parts...only frustrates the issue, since it limits the independence that the kid needs to their functioning in school and life...and which clearly does not work, to anyone with their eyes open around the matter...and, ironically, limits a teacher's ability to allow kids to fail...and to facilitate their taking full and free responsibility for their performance and for their life that, in the long run, is what allows really strong students and really responsible kids to really take off in their academic performance and in their lives...

It's a sad situation...and the great thing about the teachers, in this situation, is that they're not afraid of the kid failing, nearly as much as the parents, that is...

I think it will move in a better direction, generally...I notice my own control of kids all the time out of this fear of watching them fail...but I'm getting better at recognizing it...and just trusting them more...and letting them choose success and failure, more, on their own...and to make choices that often end up being better than I expected...and facing, more honestly, choices that I think will be better than end up being more of a problem...

And our team is getting better at navigating these issues on their merits...and letting go of the need to control kids, as much...though I must say that many of our teachers (like most adults I know, these days) still fruitlessly believe that they can control kids more than they really can...and their efforts to do so often lead to consequences that they say they don't want for kids...but which they get and will continue to get, anyway, until they take responsibility for their own behavior...nevertheless for the behavior of kids...

The situation is a little scary in the sense that it has potential that I don't think and I'm hoping won't be realized...to turn ugly...in a way that would be good for noone...

Especially for this kid...

Who just needs to space to fail and succeed on his own, frankly...and to have noone make any excuses for him...and to support him and let go of the desire to control him, as much as possible, while he makes his way to success...

I'm sure I'm screwing a million things up, right now, with my kids...there's always things we don't see...and our kids will help us see better our flaws, I'm sure, as they can make them clearer to us, as well...as I'm trying to do for and with the teachers and friends and other adults that I work with...as they try to improve their relationships with the children in their lives...

The best thing my parents and my dad, in particular, did for me...

Was give me space to grow...

To let me have a life that they did not have to be intimately involved with every aspect of every moment of the day...

And I would take that childhood...and that life, generally, over anything else in life...any money...any power...any prestige...anything...

That's why my primary goal, in life, is be an outstanding father...and is far more important than being a great teacher or writer or scholar or whatever in my life...

And great dads aren't remembered as great for controlling children...

They are remembered as great...by giving kids the most optimal freedom and engagement...to be the best people they can be...totally independent of a parent's own vision of what a kid's life should be like...

The best parents...are people who have children who are better than they are...not children under the thumb of their parents' own low expectations of themselves and their own potential...

And the best parents know they're screwing up...

Because the last thing they want to do...is foreclose on the opportunity...

For their children to be better parents than they were:):):)...

I've got an I.E.P. to work on:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

More important to be a good man...

I wanted to write about Hamas winning in the Palestinian elections, today...the danger it poses...and the responsibility it involves by Israelis and the world to maintain a commitment to peace...with President Abbas still in his post...even with a partner in Hammas that there is very little reason to believe is in good faith, right now...

I still need to...

But before I go to bed...

I wanted to write about how deeply satisfying it is...to prioritize being a good man...above all other concerns in my life...

I can only hope...that my son...if I were to have one...will outdo me...and humble his old man...while he lifts him up...

I only hope...that I'll be that open...to that kind of humbling...

Like most things in my life...I don't know how to do that...

But I hope that I can be open to learning...

I understand, now, why that is so hard to do...

But I hope that I can be open to learning anyway...

Have a good night, everyone...

Love,
Ben

Life works out...

I had a much better day, today...

The teachers I was upset with and I did some making up...and we seem to be getting along...and getting over much of the bullshit of pecking order and hierarchies and seniority, etc...we seem to have come to an understanding that what I do in my room is what I do...and what they do in their room is what they do...and we are on the same team and supporting one another...but supporting one another doesn't mean that we always have to agree about how we deal with kids...

We also...much more importantly...all seem to be getting on the same page...that academic achievement matters...that it is a our central focus...and that we all take it more seriously than our issues with individual kids...

Which gives me what I want...

Which is hope...that at least some of one generation of kids will have enough support, freedom, supervision, and the least aggressive, most loving way of doing that, possible, that they can have a much better better opportunity to take responsibility for their own lives and their own choices...

The most important problem for us to deal with in early 21st century America is not that there are not enough children who take responsibility for themselves, their lives, and their choices, including and especially how those choices affect others, as well...though we definitely need children and young people to do a much better job of taking that kind of responsibility, for sure...

The most important problem for us to deal with in early 21st century America is that not enough adults take that kind of responsibility...which makes raising a generation of kids to do so doubly hard, as you can imagine...as kids watch the adults in their lives lame out and yet lecture and punish kids with examples that are lacking that kids should take that kind of responsibility seriously...it gets us nowhere...and it doesn't get the very serious problems associated with adults failing to take that kind of responsibility seriously resolved...

And when I say adults lack responsibility...I don't mean that they aren't following the rules or following regulations well enough...

I mean that everyone -- including and often especially the rules-makers and regulators -- don't take nearly enough responsibility for whether or not the goals we are trying to and need to achieve...are actually being achieved by our efforts...rather than our self-righteous whining and regulatory efforts used as a place-holder for doing the hard, human work of facilitating that kind of collaborative responsibility...

We have a better shot at generating that kind of responsibility among adults in this school than any other school I've ever been a part of, in my judgment...

And it is modeling that kind of responsibility that will better inspire it among young people, by far, than trying to lecture or, God forbid, punish our way there, foolishly and fruitlessly...

That doesn't mean we don't intervene when peoples' behavior is too problematic or ugly to accept...it means that we intervene with the least aggressive means, possible (because they are the means most likely to work) with the purpose of containing a problem and improving behavior and developing a sense of conscience for the impact that a person's behavior has on others...

And I'm suggesting that the cynics about this kind of approach...are just kind of lazy, frankly, about constructive efforts to improve the human condition...and just shouldn't be taken that seriously, frankly, about this particular issue, at least...

And I've had plenty of good experience with those principles at work to know that they are far more effective than conventional approaches, even the many good ones that my ideas compliment and build on...and, in this case, along with the efforts of many fine teachers and paraprofessionals and parents and students and staff and social workers and others to make that kind of progress possible...

The other great thing about the last couple of days was that I finally got over my fear of being fired...

Fire me, is my attitude...I'd rather be fired...than spend my whole life worrying about it...I'll be accomodating to people's concerns...but I'm not going to spend my life worrying about whether I'll have a paycheck or not...the people I know who live their lives like that live pretty unhappy lives...and I'm just not interested...and the truth is that I, generally, work far harder than most of my colleagues most of the time...so I'm not scared that I'm somehow slacking...I'm not...and if you think you can find someone to do a better job than I am...I say, go find 'em...

And in the meantime...life is frustrating...and often overwhelming...and definitely discouraging at times...sometimes very discouraging...as the last two days have been for me...

And we work through it...and we find someone who will listen...and we rant...and we get support...and then we start the next day, again, bright and shining...

I was commenting to another teacher, today, that maybe it has something to do with kids...I know it has to do with the way that I think about my own childhood...

But I just don't have this fruitlessly perpetually tragic outlook on life...life does often suck...but it often sucked for us all as kids, as well...and somehow...we found the energy and the inner peace to wake up the next day...and still be happy...or happier...and, generally, for things to get better, over time...

A lot of adults lose track of this, I think, because they get lost in the romantic fantasy...that Melissa and I have talked about a million times...that one day...they were going to grow up...and there weren't going to be hard times like the ones we had when we were kids, again...that we would be adults...and everything would be better...in addition to the fact that we often treat adults far worse, with far less effect, than we do children...

Or they just ignore all those bad feelings...in hopes, foolishly, that they will go away...if they just try to pretend like they don't hurt like they really do...it's called denial...and it's not just another rive in Egypt, as the old saying goes:):):)...

Well...the truth is...often despite our own pessimism around the issue...generally, our lives do get better as we grow older (for those of us committed to our learning and growth, that is)...

It just never gets perfect...or worry or frustration free...

In fact...I find that the deeper I experience my connection to life and to others...the worse the bad feelings get...as much as the better the good feelings get...

But it also means that our life is more fulfilled and more genuinely happy, more of the time...and I'll take that as a trade-off for a life where I'm just always wishing for some other life...because this one hurts so bad or is filled with so much fear...

And the people I trust the most...

Are the ones who feel life like that too...with all its hills and valleys...and the ones I really trust...are the ones who feel safe enough to feel those feelings in my presence...without taking them out on me, necessarily...

And that is not a matter of politics...it is a matter of openness...and trust...and commitment...and character...and love...and compassion...and decency...

I can't tell you the strength...that comes with staring down those kinds of fears...of facing them, head one, painful as they might prove to be, if they come to pass...

And saying that you're conscience...you're integrity...is more important than any punishment that might be inflicted on you...

Powerful stuff...and it makes me a lot harder to intimidate than most people, I think...which makes us all stronger...the more people who take that on...

I realize, now, that one thing that I totally took for granted in my relationship with Brandi...was that a major difference between us was that I took life much more seriously than did, Ms. Fisher...ironically...it gave me a much bigger sense of humor about the things that really don't matter, as much...because taking life seriously...means recognizing what really matters most...

And working with kids reminds you...that it is the people...for all their flaws and tediousness...that matter most...

Makes my life...and my work...and my thinking about things...much more worthwhile...

That outlook on my relationship with Brandi helps me to romanticize her and our relationship less...to recognize all the great things that Brandi had to offer my life and the world...

But to recognize that I'm quite sure that there are people, out there, who take life as seriously as I do...and who bring wisdom as well as love and support and intelligence and courage and all kinds of virtues...to a relationship...that the Brandi I knew...just didn't have to offer, at that point in her life...as much as that disappointed/s me:):)...

I've got to get something to eat...to call a parent...to get out some letters to parents...and to work on an I.E.P. (and Individualized Education Plan)...

I hope everyone is having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A realization to bring me calm...

After sleeping off some depression about my shitty-ass week...and ranting to Melissa for a couple hours about how fuckin' arrogant my colleagues are for trying to humble me without better ideas...

I came to a really calming realization, tonight...that, hopefully, will give me some perspective in my first year teaching...

My freshman year of forensics at Wichita State...I had been a hotshot high school competitor...who couldn't even place, hardly, or break into elimination rounds, my first semester...it was really depressing...I was constantly thinking about quitting...or whatever...and it was really difficult to deal with for someone who had been successful for several years up until that point...

And I was the new kid...and my friends, as a part of including me, also picked on me, quite a bit...and it used to rile me quite a bit...largely because I wanted to be taken seriously...

My losing streak changed the last tournament of my freshman year...when I won first place speaker sweeps at Arizona State University...and my college speech and debate career finally got on track...

And I was frustrated, largely, because I took speech and debate so goddamned seriously...which paid off by my senior year...when I was one of the top speakers in the nation...

The perspective I got tonight...is that the reason why my frustrations with this first year are so frustrating me...

Is because I take it so seriously...because I want to be a great teacher...not a good teacher...not an ok teacher...and certainly not a mediocre teacher...

I want to a great teacher...I want to be one of the greatest teachers who ever lived...that's how I live my life...I want to be the greatest...always...as much as possible...

And I'm frustrated...because I take this job more seriously than most people take this job or any job, frankly...and so I have more serious emotions around it, as a consequence...my highs are higher...and my lows are lower...my anger is deeper...and so is my depression, when I feel it, like tonight...

The perspective I got tonight is that I take this stuff more seriously than all the folks I'm dealing with...

It's like being a parent or a teacher and watching your kids make all kinds of bad choices...although...as I said, today, it's more complicated...it's like having the average kids bully the smart kids into agreeing with their answers, even when they're wrong because they're too fuckin' immature to deal with being wrong all on their own...

And teachers and all kinds of adults are always trying to get me to be wrong with them...for the same reason that the drunk or the pothead always wants you to drink with him or smoke up with him...

Because they're too fuckin' chickenshit to be wrong on their own...

Well I'm not playing ball...and that's probably going to piss some people off...but too fuckin' bad...I'm an individual who has my own virtues and vices, strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, understandings and mistakes...

And you are your own person...and I'll do what I can to support you...and work with you, constructively...and I'll forgive your fuck-ups...

But ultimately...each person is responsible for themselves...

And there is no other literal way around that one...we are clearly affected by one another, emotionally...but someone's got to have the courage to take us to higher ground on that one, clearly...because we won't get there if they don't...

And the worst part about threatening me with every fuckin' thing under the sun to get me there...

Is that I'm not scared of anything anymore...I will deal with whatever people throw at me, from now on...

Because the biggest virtue that I have...that other people lack is...

...courage...

And the great thing about courage...real courage...is that it can't be beaten out of you...

No matter how much someone tries...

To the contrary...

The more people try...the more courage I get...the stronger I get...and the more I ignore your dumbass...and lose respect for you, in the meantime...

I take this stuff more seriously than most people do...

And I get frustrated with just how much people who don't take themselves or the stakes or the thinking about either as seriously as I do...make so many decisions that they clearly don't think nearly enough about...

It's an adolescent conceit...that you don't need to think very hard about the things in life that matter...

And I get frustrated that adolescents run this world, much of the time...

But...big people always win out...

Because they're big people...and because they're thinking...

And because adolescents...don't know what the fuck they're doing...

And soon enough...their vices catch up with them...

And virtue -- the virtue of serious thought and the virtue of the courage involved with sharing even unpopular ideas, especially when they're right -- leads the way...

I just gotta be patient, right now...

If the people I was disagreeing with had a serious counterpoint, right now, I would be listening to it...but the truth is that they don't...what they have is a lot of groupthink...which gets us in all kinds of trouble, as George Orwell and, more recently, Kansas Senator Pat Roberts, remind us of...

And sooner or later...it catches up with people...

It's just that, much of the time...sooner can't come too soon...and later seems far too long down the road...

But virtue and vice eventually catch up with all of us...

Because one, in moderation, nurtures us...and the other, in extremes, is self-destructive and, often, destructive of others...

I have a long time to become a better teacher...I'll keep working on it...

In the meantime...things will be a little shitty...while my kids and my colleagues try on their newly accessed and openly-expressed vices...

But...sooner or later...it will catch up with them...

And we'll all be stronger for them being able to more openly express them...

So that we can all have the experience of being more fully accepted...for our smallness...as well as for our greatness...

I better try to get some sleep...

Have a good day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

I think I'm really thinking about quitting...

I think I'm giving up on the idea that there is ever a place where thought is really taken seriously...where it is recognized or rewarded on its merit...

I wish I would have known all of this before I would sought after this life...

I thought about it in much more romantic terms, I guess...people develop original ideas...those ideas percolate...and people get recognized for original ideas...

But this has just been too hard...

Life is like this classroom run by the average students...there's no teacher...and being bright is something to treated with suspicion...the rules...meaning comformity, of course...are more valuable than thought...thought is dangerous...unless it negates our own freedom to learn and grow...

I just need to do something less meaningful, I think...something with no stakes...so I won't care about it...or myself...

Something where...when I abdicate my responsibility to think for myself...which is what everyone wants everyone else, to do, when they say that they'd rather get their way than give people the freedom to think...a place where I don't feel so irresponsible for doing so...

Maybe politics...that seems to be a place where most people want their representatives to do what they're told and not what their consciences dictate...noone takes responsibility when things go badly, of course...because noone's ever responsible, right?...if citizens demand it...and things go wrong...well, then, it's those damned politicians...and if politicians make decisions and things go wrong...well, they were just doing what voters wanted...

It's a cozy relationship, isn't...it's kind of a classic love/hate relationship...citizens and politicians hate one another...but they're always doing what one another want...it's just that noone wants to take responsibility for the stuff that goes wrong...

I don't know what I want to do, frankly...there's no job that I really love, right now...certainly not my own...

And that's the way that it's supposed to be most people over 35 would tell me...

Work is supposed to be something you hate until you die...because if you liked it too much...then it wouldn't be work...

Don't you love the circularity of all that?...

And in the meantime...high-minded purposes just make you stick out, too much...

Mediocrity imposing itself on excellence...that's what life is...

And there's no way out of that...

You know...if that's true...I don't want to live this life...I'd rather commit suicide than live with that sorry state of affairs...

I don't know...I don't think I can do this...this conformity thing...this, "Leave your brain behind and let us to the thinking for you"...I don't think I can do it...this "Don't worry about making intelligent judgments...worry about doing what you're told" business...I just don't think I can do it...

Is it any wonder, then, why people so irregularly follow the rules?...

Because it involves setting aside a higher responsibility...

Thinking for yourself...

And what an awful world it would be if people stopped thinking...so that they could follow the rules better...

I think humanity should be careful of what it wishes for, right now...what foolish fantasies about life that it has...

It just might get them...

And I don't care what anyone says, any more...

I'm not following the rules for the rules sake...

I'm not going to do what people say...when it's bad for me or someone else...just because they say so...at least not more than I already do so, for the sake of compromise...

Noone is God...none of us...and why we perpetually think we are, I will never know...

I'd rather give up my soul than to sell it...

And that's all I want, really...the freedom to live by my own conscience...and not have others perpetually pressuring me to take up their bad decisions with them...and to not have others constantly rationalizing why they do so, for good or for bad, just because they're too scared to take responsibility for their own choices and decisions...

I'm feeling really disillusioned, right now...

Because I'm growing to believe that a world where people can live by their own consciences...

And as a consequence...have stronger consciences...

Will always be made impossible by the petty and weak amongst us...who are just too scared to allow something like that to happen...no matter how much stronger it would make all of us...

I'm going home...I'm tired...I'm depressed...and I just need to lie down...to take this resignation and defeat I'm feeling, right now, to go down a lot easier...

This is what a lot of people said they wanted...

For me to just give up...

Not to be persuaded...or to have a change of heart...or a change of mind...

But to just give up...and do what I'm told...

Maybe it's time to give them what they want...

Ben

I'm thinking about quitting...

I'm beginning to think that I'm just too young for this field...or too smart...or something...

Because the older folks are just not to happy with new ideas, I'm learning...

It's a new problem, of course...in every other previous generation...older people have always taken to new ideas easily...it's just this particular generation that young people don't really have any new ideas that improve on the ideas of the previous generation...

The baby boom generation has finally done what no other generation has done before it...

It's gotten everything right...

And there's just not much need for folks my age to think for ourselves...

Because older folks have already done all the thinking for us...

And thank goodness for that...it makes sure everything stays the same...which is exactly as it should be...

Yeah...I'm think I may just quit...

Do something I don't care about...

So I don't care whether I'm being shut down or not...

Will there ever be a time when I'm not being shut down?...

Ben

A clarifying moment...

I'm starting to look at life different...

The more time I spend with people...

The more I realize that there are basically two types of people in the world...

People who aspire for greatness...

And everyone else who wastes their lives making excuses for why they don't...

And there's not a damn thing that I can do to lift peoples' aspirations...except to suggest that they set their sights higher...and either work to achieve those dreams...or don't...

And such is life...

In the meantime...I aspire to do great things with my life...I have very little patience for mediocrity, frankly...and I do my best to not let others settle for mediocrity, either, in my presence...

Most people talk a good game about excellence...Ronald Reagan's warning against a tide of mediocrity in American education comes to mind, here...mentioned after Mr. Reagan had dedicated his own education and acting career to mediocrity, doing B-movies with very little to contribute, substantively, to anyone's learning, nevertheless to his own...

But very few people actually pursue it...

And they spend their lives making excuses for why they're not smarter than they are...and why it doesn't matter, when it clearly does...

People who lack virtues regularly waste their time making excuses for why those virtues don't really matter, anyway...and intelligence is no different...

I need to serve my time doing education reform work in K-12 schools, I think...

And then I need to either finish up a Ph.D. (in policy, if I do)...or get work as a professor teaching and writing and lecturing, etc. in policy...and spend more time with much smarter and higher aspiring folks...I don't know, yet, where that would best be done...I'm quite clear that there is no intellectual or other kind of utopia...

But I would like to find a place where a lot of folks take learning and thinking and studying seriously...but not so seriously that they don't have a life outside of it all, as well...and where that virtue is best nurtured and rewarded (the first more than the second)...

A place where I buy a little house where I can walk...and write...and think...and contribute...

And a place where I can work with lots of different folks in lots of different fields...to make contributions to their efforts and learn from theirs, as well...international and domestic policy, psychology, economics, education, and criminology are all areas that I know I have contributions to make...

And it would nice to find a place where folks are humble enough to just have those conversations and exchanges in a way that facilitates all of our learning...rather than being big pissing contests...or turf wars...or pecking orders...or whatever stupid reasons that people have to arrogantly avoid new opportunities to learn...

There's got to be a place like that, I say to myself...a university, likely...surely there's got to be a faculty where learning is more important than ego...

I've never met that faculty...but surely it's got to out there, somewhere, right?...or at least one willing to aspire...

But in the meantime...

My identity is no longer tied to the opinions of any faculty or field or students or whatever...

I will make my contributions...I will think and write and give what I have to give...and if I'm persuaded that I'm wrong about anything that I happen to be wrong about...then I will spend time with that and learn from it and be open to changing my mind in the most substantial ways I can muster...

And then I'll go home...and walk...and think...and talk with at least one companion, at some point, I hope...and write...and find people who can have serious conversations without making it be about them...having those conversations as if the stakes really mattered as much as they do...so no egos are really necessary nor really all that useful...

But the point is...I'll have a life of my own...my life is not tied to my work, in the same way, anymore...

I want to persuade people to take the important ideas in life seriously...

But I realize, now, that I may/will not always be successful in persuading people of that...

And in the meantime...the work is too important to get hung up on whether someone objects...without really putting much substantial thinking into the matter...which is most people, I'm discovering...

And I'm definitely figuring out that my expectations for a partner in my life have definitely been far too low...

And just because noone in my immediate vicinity is living up...doesn't mean I shouldn't keep my expectations high...they will be high no matter who I fall in love with, after all...so I might as well be keeping my sights high as I look for that person, in the meantime...

And I'll know love when I experience it, I have no doubt...

In the meantime...

I just need to keep following the only instincts that I trust most, at this point...

Mine (along with the best wisdom that others have to offer)...

I got to get some sleep:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

You ever get the feeling that people want to fail?

I finally decided, today...that some people, I'm growing convinced...just maybe want to fail...or maybe just to find enough excuses for why they didn't pursue success...

It makes me much more realistic about what we can achieve in schools...

I can do everything I can to set as many kids up, as possible, to succeed...but...ultimately...either they'll chase their dreams...with all the bumps and bruises, as much as the great parts of that journey...or they won't...

And I just create as many conditions, as possible, to make that a possibility...

Today, I had my first evaluation with my principal...everything went great...I told her about the efforts we've made to improve expectations for all students, including special education students, for behavior and academics...and the success we've had with it...along with the frustrations...

My principal is the person, other than me, with the highest expectations for students in the building...

And even she doesn't really have the highest expectations for students, sometimes...

The one really sour note in the meeting...was that somehow...that in the midst of the argument that the counselor and I had about the I.E.P. meeting I was in...the fact that I told her in a later private meeting that she was bullshitting me -- which I think she was, in retrospect -- about whether she was impugning a decision I had made with a kid earlier in the day to send him out of the room after a series of events that she was just not privy to, frankly -- the word "bullshit" got around to the principal...

And I realized...that if I have someone on my hands who's a tattle-tale...this is not someone I should trust...nor do I...if it was the counselor who passed on my comment...I was talking to someone I thought was a friend...and, as I told Dr. Ogburn...if she's not a friend...then there's no reason for me to talk with her like she is...

After that meeting...we had a S.I.T. meeting -- which basically means we were deciding if he should get special education help or not -- for a student...

And as I sat around this table...with so many bullheaded people...thinking that they were "right" about what was going on with this kid...this kid who was having conflict with some teachers, some of which the teachers are responsible for, I think...but the burden of the education being on the student, ultimately, fair or not...

I realized...that there was no way for me to move this entire school...or district...or even education, generally, necessarily...

I can put the ideas out there...and either people will run with them or they won't...just like with the kids...

And in the meantime...my identity is no longer...at any level...as a teacher...as a thinker...as a person...

...wrapped up in whether or not people pick up those ideas or not...

I have a life...separate from teaching...separate from thinking...separate from anything professional...

Which is all my own...

And where I could give two shits if people like my ideas...like my contributions...like my accomplishments...or even like me...or not...

I have a life that is my own...

And after I make these two calls...I'm going to go enjoy it, a little:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

How I know my innocence has passed...

I just realized something really sad, today...

I have several attractive single women I work with at Eisenhower...one of them, in particular, seems to float around in my head, after I see her...and even before...

My interest in her and all of these women is innocent...meaning, I'm looking for a girlfriend and future wife...not to get laid...I actually haven't had sex in quite a long time...and it doesn't really bother me as much as the fact of not having a soulmate, around...not having a best friend to share things with and who I think understands, better, what I'm thinking or experiencing...

All of these girls fall short of this romantic image I have of Brandi, of course...they're not as vulnerable...or smart...they're not as outgoing...or sweet...or warm...or welcoming...even as I wonder if much of what I loved about Brandi was a part of our youth that, with experience with the world, we've grown up in ways that leaves some of that behind...I don't know about that one...I'm just throwing it out there...

But I just realized something, for sure, this afternoon, that really makes me sad...

That I won't ever meet a girl, again, the same way Brandi and I met...

Meaning...I'm too aware, at this point, of girls...to ever meet a girl, again...just to be friends...and not think about dating her...or having sex with her...

Much of the charm of that relationship that I so miss is that I wasn't trying to date Brandi...

Brandi was my best friend...for more than a year...before we even thought about dating...

I wasn't trying to fuck her...I wasn't even trying to date her...

I was just hanging out with someone who really impressed me, as a person...and who was really easy to hang out with...

And I just realized that I'll never, ever be able to do that, again, ever in my life...

Because...I'm just a more sexually aware human being, now...

So every time I meet a girl, I think about being or not being attracted to her and at what levels...usually I'm attracted to every woman, at some level, even if I have to work at it, a little, to see what it is that I like about her...

And I always wonder if she's dating material...though I'm really picky...and I don't date easily, anymore...

It's so funny...Brandi met her current husband...when she picked him up for a one-night-stand...that just turned into something else...

And I just won't/can't do that, anymore...

I want to meet someone who I can fall in love with...someone who's a trusted friend, first...and I'm only interested in sex, really, way down the line...

But I'll never meet someone, again, who I'm just interested in as a friend...and where the relationship comes out of nowhere...because every woman I meet has potential for dating, any more...though I try my best to be respectful about women who are dating or married...

And the worst part is...noone knows just how sad that makes me feel...

Because noone knows just how special that was to me...except for one person...who hasn't communicated with me in a very long time, at this point...

This girl, at work...I don't know if she's Brandi...or better...she's got a lot of qualities that Brandi doesn't have...or didn't...the last time I talked with her...

...a sense of street smarts...a genuine concern for children from minority and poor neighborhoods that I'm not convinced, anymore, that Brandi has/had, frankly...a sense of self-respect that is really strong...that I've doubted about Brandi for quite some time, now...

I don't know if this girl is more loyal than Brandi...who turned out, along with other friends I thought of as loyal, at one point, to have the loyalty of a piece of driftwood...

But she lacks a lot of the qualities -- as do most girls and people -- that made Brandi's and my friendship so easy...

Her warmth...her charm...her outgoing nature...none of which I've seen in Brandi in years, though...so...not necessarily something that I have seen for quite a while, in a woman...

But I do think about Andrea, the girl at Eisenhower, more than I do other women I know...she's black...which is a new experience for me...I've never dated a black woman...I've always dated, more often than not, people I wanted to fall in love with...and I've just not met a lot of black women, in my lifetime, that I've had those feelings for...so it's kind of refreshing to have different feelings for Andrea...though I would definitely not say that I'm in love...far from it...I just want a friendship with someone who just looks like someone I could trust, more, in my building and in my field...

She's also gorgeous...but I think I've made clear to the other gorgeous women in the building and in my life that I am not someone who dates people for looks...if that were the case, there are several women I could have already asked out...I'm just not impressed by a pretty face, that much, I guess...they seem a dime a dozen, to me...whereas wisdom and intelligence and heart and compassion and decency are a lot more rare...

But goddamn it if it isn't bullshit that I just can't be friends with a girl without thinking about fucking her, anymore...I just was really innocent when I met Brandi...and I'll just never be innocent enough to do that ever again, I'm afraid...

I cried, a little, when I realized that...I don't like to cry about anything involving Brandi, any more...I just want to be numb to her, from now on...

If I saw her, today, I'd probably avoid her...if she approached me, I'd probably say, "Hi"...but kind of cold...wondering, "What the hell are you wanting to talk with me about, now, after you forsaken our friendship?"...

But, goddamn, if I don't want to let my guard down, again, with a woman...or just some kind of close friend...who I can just love for them...and me just be loved for me...and me not having to wonder if anyone really believes in unconditional love, or not...since the verdict on that, at this point, seems to be, "No"...

Everyone's love is conditional, it seems most of the time...no matter how much they protest to the contrary...I'll love you until I don't, is the standard order of the day, I'm learning...and Brandi was definitely the big lesson for me to learn on that one...I couldn't even count on her friendship, which was always more important to me than our relationship...but there's plenty of friends that I've learned that I couldn't/can't count on, no matter how much they try to convince me different when we were closer friends...

Only my love is unconditional...so that it can either be perpetually taken for granted, without end...or so that they can come apologize to me about how they took it for granted, after I've had to live through all the pain involved with their taking it for granted, as they did...and do...

Most people I would meet, in the world, who would tell me that they're love is unconditional I would tell them to their face that they're full of shit...

Most people lie when they say that, I'm convinced, any more...most people are just saying that to make themselves feel better...not because they will actually follow through with that commitment...

It's the biggest lie we probably all say to ourselves and each other, if we're not going to back it up with the goods to prove it...and most people I've trusted most with that commitment have been lying about it, it's turned out...that could change...but I haven't seen it change, yet, at this point...

Why am I so idealistic, then, if so many people have let me down?...

Because I can back up that commitment with the goods...because I live up even as others live down...and I don't give a shit how many people lower their standards for what kind of human being they're going to be...

I won't...

I've got to go home and get some sleep...I've got work to do...but I can't stay awake, at this point...I'll have to finish it, tomorrow...

Have a great day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

I'm beginning to understand...

An interaction with some kids, today, who take school hardly seriously at all taught me an important lesson today...

What most adults try to do, much of the time...is to prove why should be taken seriously...

When they haven't earned it...

When they fucked off all that time in their younger years...and many of them still do, in a substantive sense...meaning, not thinking nearly enough...and not being humble in front of those who do...

And then demanding to be taken seriously when they haven't earned it and don't deserve to be taken seriously...

There's several people I can think of, right now, very much like the students I'm dealing with, right now...

They take themselves too seriously...because they don't take whether or not they have something important or relevant to add to the conversation nearly seriously enough...

Meaning...they put their egos...before their purposes and the substance of the matters that they want to be taken seriously about, in life...

And then they wonder why they're not taken more seriously than they are...or why noone is listening when they have very little to say...

I'm learning -- from the state debate tournament I judged this last weekend -- that the smartest folks...high school kids, included -- come to a lot of the same conclusions, generally...and are in more fundamental agreement...

Because they just take the issues, involved, more seriously...than their pettiness or their egos...

You can always tell this type of person...

Because they, generally, have something substantive to say...

How impressed I would be to meet more people who had something to say worth listening to...

We sure could afford to have a lot more of them in this world...

Which explains why only some of them have anything worth saying that stands the tests of time...

But I'm also learning that there are real limits, I think, to our ability to inspire and lead and coerce others to take life and its consequences for themselves and for others more seriously...that I can keep looking...and that I can only hope that I can keep finding ways to transcend...

But the sad fact, at this point, I think...is that some people just have more serious things to say about life...and to contribute to our understanding of it...

And those people are few and far between...

And most of the dumbasses in the world...don't care...because they're dumbasses...meaning...kinda dumb...but also...generally kinda dumb...because they just aren't all that serious about life, in the first place...

Life, I'm sure...will eventually give them plenty of reason to get serious...

But most people have to learn most of those lessons the hard way, I'm afraid...

Which is why we need more people to take those consequences more seriously...so we can all take responsibility for a world where everyone can learn those lessons easier...and, at the extremes of learning and our experience...with less danger and more security for us and our lives...

But having that world...meanings having a lot more people taking life a lot more seriously...for real...meaning...taking life and its consequences and studying those things...more seriously than our desire to be taken more seriously than we've earned...

It is true...that everyone knows the path...and that few people walk it...but an awful lot of people fake it...in lieu of walking it...which is really the most irresponsible move, of all...

I have work to do:):)...

Have a good day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why people fight reality...when they know that it can't budge...

I'm beginning to realize why -- in addition to the fact that a lot of people have just not thought very much about life -- people fight reality...when they know it can't budge...

Why do people insist on realities...that only backfire...or are counterproductive...or where their friends and family and colleagues would all function a lot better if they would learn to accept difficult realities, better, to generate better ones...

And the answer is...

That they're scared...

We obsess about realities we can't change...

When we're scared of those realities...

Why are people obsessing about rules so much, right now?...

Because the reality is that people don't follow them, much of the time...except when they understand them...

And they are scared of what they think -- wrongly -- is the alternative...a world without rules...which isn't the only or best alternative...

The better/best/only alternative...is a world where people follow the intent of good rules (and ignore bad rules...noone wants people turning in Jews during the Holocaust, I hope)...

And where they rely, first and foremost...on their consciences...not on rules...

People of deep conscience have to recognize the irony of an emphasis on rules when history is replete with good being done only by bending the rules and by no other way...

Most people don't operate at that level of conscience...and most people are afraid...sometimes for good reason...about what the world would look like if force could never be used to prick a conscience or to deal with harm imposed on others...

Which noone is seriously proposing, truth be told...

But many folks fear that this is what is being proposed...and obsess about rules and conformity to them, as a consequence...

Living in the self-delusion...that this will be the generation that will finally stamp out all that tedious non-comfortity:):):)LOL:):):)...

How incredibly foolish people are, sometimes:):):)LOL:):):)...

And then the moment will pass...just as many other ugly moments in humanity's history have passed...

And we'll start fresh, again:):):)...

Hope everyone has a great Friday and weekend:):):)...

I've got a debate tournament to judge:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A much better day...

Every time I have a shitty day like yesterday...when people, generally, and anyone, in particular, disappoints me in any serious way...

I have to do what I did last night...

Which is...

Come back to the drawing table...relax...try to get some intuition of what it is that I'm seeing me that's frustrating me...and try to understand the situation more realistically to handle the situation better today...

Which is what I did...

The kids were giving me hell, I think, because I've been pushing them a lot, lately...I was given a reality check about that by the counselor I was working with...and again by the kids in my advocacy class, yesterday...though the check by the kids was more to the point...

Push us...the message went...and we push back...and we can push back hard, as well...

And now I've got the message loud and clear...

And today was a far better and more productive day, as a consequence...

The kids are adopting me as one of their own...maintaining the expectation that I am their teacher, first...and their friend, second...

It's the hardest line for a teacher to walk, I think...

But I think I'm getting a better handle on it...

And I'm heading back to Wichita, this weekend...to judge some debate...and to see my good friend, Brian White, finally, after enough botched attempts to see him and catch up, some...

Brian was a teammate of mine in college on our speech and debate team...and he was one of the smarter people I knew at Wichita State...and who I got to know not just for his smarts...but as a good friend...

Brian is a conservative that I trust when it comes to matters of politics...

You know why?...

Because I know...from many years competing and working with Brian...

That he thinks about his politics...

And because he cares...something that not nearly enough liberals or conservatives do well enough...

Brian is someone that I think of as a smart, decent guy, first...and a conservative, second...and he's one of the smarter conservatives I've met in my lifetime...but he's, first and foremost, one of the smarter people I know around politics...and I'm glad to get the opportunity to see him...and help out...and maybe get to catch up, some...

Hope your day is going as well as mine, today:):)...

Have a great end of the week, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben